A Scientist's Fetish, an Author's Gaffe

Bad Ass Jeremy Irons as Über-Morlock

I usually don't focus on the author of a particular piece that I reference, but this bit from the Daily Mail by Niall Firth entitled "Human race will 'split into two different species'" is a two-fer:

The human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures, according to a top scientist.

100,000 years into the future, sexual selection could mean that two distinct breeds of human will have developed.

The alarming prediction comes from evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry from the London School of Economics, who says that the human race will have reached its physical peak by the year 3000.
...
These humans will be between 6ft and 7ft tall and they will live up to 120 years.
...
Men will have symmetrical facial features, deeper voices and bigger penises, according to Curry in a report commissioned for men's satellite TV channel Bravo.

Women will all have glossy hair, smooth hairless skin, large eyes and pert breasts, according to Curry.

This part's too easy. While this unoriginal idea may have some fortitude, I'd rock to the side of the razor where the good theorist is fantasizing about approaching his anime-fetish fantasy girlfriend with more height, a deeper voice, and a whole lot more man-meat than he's carrying around right now; and they'd live happily until the ripe old age of 120. It's like how an artist's face subtly emerges from the portraits he or she paints.

But the bigger stinker in the article went thusly:

Dr Curry's theory may strike a chord with readers who have read H G Wells' classic novel The Time Machine, in particular his descriptions of the Eloi and the Morlock races.

In the 1895 book, the human race has evolved into two distinct species, the highly intelligent and wealthy Eloi and the frightening, animalistic Morlock who are destined to work underground to keep the Eloi happy.

Niall Firth, if you're going to make a referential analogy based on a classic piece of English Literature, read the damn book.

The Eloi were not intelligent nor wealthy - while they had possibly evolved from wealthy classes of the past, they had long ago become complacent and lost their curiosity, height, and most sexual distinction between male and female. They were little more than humanoid sheep which were kept happy and abundant by the Morlocks, but only to serve as their food.

Piss poor literature references really burn my biscuits. If it wasn't for the fetish theorist, the entire article would have been most unpleasant.

...Long as I Got My Butthole Jesus...

A college friend of mine went to high school with a girl that everyone called Butthole Jenny because in order to remain a technical virgin, she opted for anal.

That story has absolutely no relevance to this post, but when I wrote Butthole Jesus, I thought of Butthole Jenny, and it would be a shame not to include her in this.

You've seen Garage Floor Jesus...



You've seen the Fire Pope...



And now I present, from a blog straight outta New Zealand, Dog Butt (or, Butthole) Jesus:



(Then the New Zealand guy led me to Madonna of the Toast, a blogtastic collection of all such religious pareidolia.)

Back to the dog butt. It may not be totally obvious at first, but if you step back about 15 feet, it blends and you can see the white glow of Jesus' body, blurring out to golden, his darkened face in a very ethereal vision. Or not. Stare at the butthole as long as you'd like - your brain will make something out of it. It is a good Friday.

Iran and My Senators

Today I was a little terrified by the sanctions on Iran announced under the smoke of the California wildfires. I wrote a piece about it at All Things Democrat. Then I wrote my senators.

Dear Senator --,

I have lived in Ohio most of my life and have only recently discovered the importance of keeping in touch with our elected officials. I know you are a busy man, and want to avoid wasting your time on the 15-20 different things on my mind. For this reason, I would like to voice my concern on one item in particular:

If you and your fellow congressional officials do not vote to rein in the powers that were allotted to the President of the United States after September 11th, we will be looking at a third World War in the President's seemingly naive attempt to stop World War III by bombing Iran.

I'm certain that as a Senator, you probably know this, but Iran links to Russia. Russia links to China. And there are enough other countries tired of us and would look expectantly towards a fresh political world-wide reformation.

I am frightened for me and my family and truly believe that we need to stop a conflict in Iran before it starts. You have that power. We gave it to you. Please do something so that next year my daughter is counting down only to seventh grade, not the day when she will be eligible for military service.

Thank you for your time,

RS

I suggest you do the same.

300 Spartan Apples

Found on i-am-bored.com. Worth every second:

Medical Marijuana All Over Again: Ouch, that Hurts Man

Longtime readers may recall a commentary I did on medical marijuana called Marijuana Duck, Duck, Goose - Same Old Story that got picked up by Digg and all hell broke loose.

Well, I'm back with a story I snagged off Wired Science entitled A Little Marijuana Helps, but Lots May Hurt. Interesting. Can I get a summary?

Summary
Hey, you know how all those people like cancer chicks and MS guys who say that weed makes 'em feel better? Let's do a test on it! We'll take the active "it burns!" chemical from hot peppers (and, subsequently, pepper spray) - capsaicin - inject it under their skin, and get 'em high. Then we'll ask them if it hurts. Dude? Dude.

Results
After 2 minutes, no one noticed any "It burns, oh, God it burns!" difference. After 45 minutes, those who had gotten "moderately" high said it hurt less. But those who got really high said it hurt more, even though they felt much "higher."

Problems
Honestly, I'm surprised this bar-closing brainstorm of an idea warranted any merit. Much of what we know about the benefits of marijuana is the relieving of chronic pain or reinstitution of appetite.

• New Stimulus
  
  Shooting someone up with capsaicin is the physical equivalent of causing a hairline rib fracture. The problem with the way the experiment was handled was that it did not mimic one important aspect of the reason people - some of whom may never have smoked marijuana before - turn to using marijuana: unavoidable, chronic pain/nausea. The people in the study were completely healthy and introduced to a new stimulus - constant, burning pain. Then they smoked. If you're going to do a study to see if marijuana can "officially" help those with chronic pain, study people with chronic pain.


• No External Stimulus
  
  In my limited medical, partial psychological, and extensive marijuana experience, the symptoms that are known to be highly successfully ameliorated - chronic pain and lack of appetite - have one thing in common that can only be visualized or recorded if you put stoned people in front of the television: distractive stimulus.
  
  In a word: stonervision. Get someone without an appetite stoned. Sit them in a comfortable chair and monitor them and ask them how stoned they feel and if they would like a cracker, they might feel uneasy and eat a cracker or two. Get that same person stoned, sit them in the same comfy chair, and flip on South Park Season 1 (play all), you don't even have to ask them; a subtly-placed bag of Nacho Cheese Bugles will simply disappear.

My point? Don't break someone's arm, get them stoned, and call it a study on marijuana and pain. You're studying the wrong things and getting people way too stoned and asking why they're fixating on the pain. The joy of marijuana (and, in my opinion, the success it holds for millions whether in pain or stressed) is its ability of purposeful fixation. Books, television, video games, and even new places are a release, an external stimulus that can give us joy, meaning, and even reward. Paired with marijuana, these things can "make it better" for millions of people who are too concerned with pain to enjoy anything else.

There are many more variables to consider; if you're going to test it, test it right.

Vote Kucinich Now!

Folks over at Democracy for America are holding an online presidential straw poll to feel the pulse of the Democratic field.

So, if the election were held today, which Democrats hold the top 3 slots (I know, it's flawed; if the election were held today, you'd only have one choice)? Simple drag and drop, validate your information and they say Thank You.

If you'd like to jump on the Dennis Train and start with him in spot #1 (recommended), click here. If you'd prefer to begin with a blank slate, hit it here. Either way, vote!

Wii Play a Bunch of Bulls

Frustrated that Wii Play could not accommodate all five of them, The Chonburi 5 (Thailand) took to the streets and the danger of the real thing.


Reuters

Sidestepping the very obvious reality of video games leading to the real thing, after the race, all jockeys lamented not being able to plow through a dancing scarecrow.

Students: A Challenge for You

There's no cure for that. Davis Fleetwood is calling you out.




Do something.

Baptist Sanctimony Hits Mitt

A remnant from last week from the Dallas News:

A prominent Dallas minister told his congregation that if they wanted to elect a Christian to the White House, Republican Mitt Romney wasn't qualified.

Dr. Robert Jeffress, pastor of First Baptist Church of Dallas, said Mormonism is a false religion and that Mr. Romney was not a Christian.

"Mitt Romney is a Mormon, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise," Dr. Jeffress said in a sermon on Sept. 30. "Even though he talks about Jesus as his Lord and savior, he is not a Christian. Mormonism is not Christianity. Mormonism is a cult."

Lest we forget a little cult that was kicking it in the early A.C.E. claiming this cat Jesus was hot for the spot of savior and fit all the indications that he was the Neo of that time. Lest we forget (or perhaps learn) that this little cult was one amongst hundreds, and through charisma or chance, pushed up and through and only hundreds of years later became an imperialistic, sadistic juggernaut capable of the self-labeling of "religion" and garnering the distinction of being able to put down other "cults."

As the "pot" and the "kettle" thing goes, I attacked this back in February on All Things Democrat:

The Christians are pissed at the Mormons because the Christians had a perfectly good religious tradition, canonical texts, and established doctrine solidly in place, about 2000 years in the making. And then some prophet shows up. You got new texts, new rules, new ideas, and the Mormon faith, all shiny and new, is just a tainted, bastardized add-on of an already-lovely religion.

Now wait, that sounds familiar.

Let me switch some stuff up here and - wow, only 4 words - go!

The Jews are pissed at the Christians because the Jews had a perfectly good religious tradition, canonical texts, and established doctrine solidly in place, about 2000 years in the making. And then some prophet shows up. You got new texts, new rules, new ideas, and the Christian faith, all shiny and new, is just a tainted, bastardized add-on of an already-lovely religion.

Mommmm! Joseph Smith won’t stop copying me!

Personally, I've had enough of the sanctimonious bullshit; I've had enough of the walls leaders build in the name of unity.

You want cult? I find I always get a fresh perspective from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

Christians believe that a cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat an apple of discernment from a magical tree.

I was just about to say that.

Notes on the Florida FOX Republican Debate

Reuters

Yesterday evening, I watched the Republican debate on FOX. For those of you keeping up with the debates, there is little worse than watching a Republican debate, other than watching a Republican debate that is book-ended and punctuated by the neocon myrmidons that inhabit that Death Star of networks. Here, some observations:

• I would just like to give a shoutout to Sam Brownback who is no longer in the running, and John McCain's ever-growing neck waddle, which is
  troublingly, visibly waving back.
  
  
• Où est le bouffant? Mitt Romney was shooting for the scruffy pseudo-emo look for the kids tonight, a little less product in his hair, which led to a bobbing, distracting Grease curl bouncing on his forehead that was fixed about five minutes in. Classy.
  
  
• And Thompson's out of the gate, and Romney's left of Kennedy - ZING! and he says Kennedy's fat - Double ZING! - and, um, um, um... Stop looking at your paper and they might take you seriously.
  
  
• This is the space where back-patting and ball-kicking met at the middle of a cross-tinkle between McCain, Giuliani, Romney, and Thompson. It was typical and unsurprising: the material was not new, but the knife reach became a little longer. 73 days until the first primary.
  
  
• This is how FOX rolls: Allow Ron Paul to speak, but always bait him with a question that makes him an enemy of the audience. In this instance, gay marriage. Ron is right; all social institutions should be protected. The audience's reactions to him show they have become a single, collective fool, like the Borg, but without intelligence or technology.
  
  
• Carl Carson baited Ron Paul in the gay marriage question and immediately after questioned Romney, calling Mitt a "top tier" candidate, directly implying most of those on stage are not in a tone that suggests they were lucky to be invited. They know this; you don't have to be a total douche about it.
  
  
• Giuliani: "Judicial activism!" Why is it when a judge makes a ruling, effectively interpreting a law like he or she is supposed to do, if that ruling goes against Republican talking points or "conservative Christian values" (you know: killing balls of cells is wrong, killing criminals is justice), it is rampant activism, but a major impetus behind electing a Republican is to appoint conservative Supreme Court Justices so they can overturn the well-established ruling behind Roe vs. Wade?
  
  
• Oh, hey guys, Huckabee's here. I didn't even see him.
  
  
• Note to the set designer: the slow-fade blue/red Christmas lights in the background were not clever; they were distracting.
  
  
• Tancredo talks about the spectrum of conservatives, how they end up floating to the left, and how no one's talking about it. Well spoken.
  
  
• Hunter says that Democratic presidents are weak, but Reagan was strong. Reagan dug in and saved the people of El Salvador, who are now side by side with us in Iraq! Woohoo Reagan. Wait, how many? 300? Seriously? (Seriously; that's not a movie reference) "She's short and skinny, but she's strong. Her first baby come out sideways. She didn't scream or nothing." (That's a movie reference.)
  
  
• Ron Paul makes a valid statement: No one is happy with the health care system except the HMOs - no one backs him.
  
  
• Romney: I don't want the folks who cleaned up after Katrina handling health care. Holy damn, that's smacking your huevos against the government's cheek.
  
  
• Huckabee: "And I just want to remind everybody when all the old hippies find out that they get free drugs, just wait until what that's going to cost out there." Dang dirty hippies ruined America once, and they'll do it again. Hrrumph.
  
  
• Tancredo: "You know, (filmmaker) Michael Moore went to Cuba not too long ago, and wrote this documentary about the greatness of the system, how wonderful it was to be in Cuba and have a socialized medical system." Tom, if you're going to jump on the "Michael Moore's da devil!" bandwagon, at least watch the fucking movie. Unfortunately, you sounded completely rational to the audience because they got their information spoon-fed from FOX just like you did. Ignorance is not just bliss, but a cornerstone of the Republican party.
  
  
• Hey everybody, let's talk smack about Hillary and how much we hate the Clintons! Yay! Republican autoerotica at its best: We know you don't like Hillary and no one in the Republican audience needs further reason not to vote for her, but in an audience where McCain's "I respect her" comment gets answered by lower viewer approval, the wine-swilling masses must be appeased by feeding the Christians to the lions.
  
  
• Romney says Hillary has not exhibited overt business management skills. This is obviously different from our current president who entered office having exhibited multiple examples that he could not successfully run a business.
  
  
• McCain was "tied up" during Woodstock. Heh, heh. I see what he did there. Might have been a little more credible if he didn't smirk and wait for the - wait, what? Really? A standing ovation?
  
  
• Brit Hume valiantly defends our POTUS while interrupting candidates: "He never said privatization," followed by the vapors, fanning, fainting, and a loosening of the girdle.
  
  
• Huckabee: Social Security is an important issue, and a fair amount of joking is appropriate during a debate, but try not to joke about "taking them out" when discussing the elderly; joking about killing old people is never funny. Unless it's a clown killing old people. Then hilarity ensues.
  
  
• Hey, McCain, what about a new cold war? McCain: Looked into his eyes and saw three letters: K-G-B. So you'd be in favor of a fresh start, then.
  
  
• I said this last time: Rudy Giuliani is a jerk. He consistently makes underhanded comments about the other candidates, especially the "second tiers." Allowing those comments (or openly disrespectful laughter) to get air time by leaving his mic open is stupid and validates his asshattery. Stop it.
  
  
• I did like Ron Paul's characterization of how our president "prances" all over the world with the military. Very cute.
  
  
• Thompson: "If a man can do all that and be lazy, I recommend that to everybody. And the most important part is I’m a proud father of five and two of them are under four." Translation: "I work hard and so does my pecker. Whassup? You want some?"
  
  
• Post 1: Hannity had such a cute wave on a 3-shot near the beginning of the spin room. How sweet.
  
  
• Post 2: Ron Paul won the "Who won the debate" text poll. He does every time. Get over it, Sean Hannity, and stop calling your poll invalid simply because you don't like the results.
  
  
• Post 3: I do believe I could've popped every person in Frank Luntz's focus group room right in the nose; I heard a lot of ignorance. Actually, that's all I heard. But there was one guy:
  
  
  
  Aside from looking like Robert De Niro's homeless, fat cousin, the man just pissed arrogance, one of those guys that you can't even talk to because he already knows all the answers and all the issues and if you think you do, you're wrong because he's read more and seen more, he understands more and has been following politics longer than you. But really he spends his time blogging and eating Cheetos in three-day-old underwear (and nothing else) in his mother's basement, occasionally masturbating to Sailor Moon and collapsing in tears in the dark. Everyone within fifteen feet of him last night had the unavoidable urge to binge drink until bar close.
  

Overall, there was some ostentatious language, but no real surprises. Hillary bashing was particularly troubling, but not out of character for these folks. Aside from Ron Paul and except for the fact that none of these guys will win the presidency over a Democrat in 12 1/2 months, every one of them would be calmly comfortable taking over an administration that will have probably just started a war with Iran.

No to von Spakovsky, Voter Suppression

(Cross-posted on All Things Democrat)

From ColorOfChange.org:

Hans von Spakovsky has made a career out of suppressing the vote of minorities.

Now Bush wants von Spakovsky to be confirmed for a seat on the Federal Election Commission (FEC), the agency in charge of enforcing election finance laws. It's not a surprise that most Republicans support his nomination. But while Democrats talk about supporting voting rights, most of them are ready to let him through without a fight.

Please join us below in calling on your senators to oppose von Spakovsky's confirmation and to send a strong statement that voter suppression will not be tolerated and that those who engage in voter suppression have no place in the electoral system.

Our democratic representatives have apparently made a deal to push this guy through, a man who has, single-handedly, disenfranchised thousands of minority voters.

This could cost us a fair election.

Be the change.

Michael Savage Hates on Immigrants

Here's what Michael Savage has to say about the resistant staph infections popping up around America:

We are told this is a new strain of staph. But the good doctors are either ignorant of epidemiology or afraid to tell the truth.Let us reason together.New, drug-resistant strains of bacteria appear in our hospitals over the past 10 years. Some are the result of over-use of antibiotics. But others are being brought into emergency rooms by the millions of illegal aliens who use our hospitals for primary care. Doctors, nurses and others then spread these "germs" throughout the hospital. And, of course, when illegals visit their relatives in the wards they also spread the gift that keeps on giving, drug-resistant staph infections. This is my own theory. I have an earned Ph.D. in epidemiology and human nutrition from the University of California, Berkeley (1978).

On his October 17th show, he follows it up with some DNA-famed Watson ideology that Africans are simply not as smart as white folk.

I'm not even going to touch the second half, but Dr. Epidemiology should have at least as much learning as Ricky Shambles, Armchair Scientist.

The DNA of the staph changes through natural mutation and has for millions of years. However, it has recently (in the last 50 years or more) come into contact with a heavy arsenal of antibacterial sterilization in hospitals and even in homes across America and the world. Any kid in an advanced high school Bio class can tell you that spreading bacteria on an agar plate laced with certain antibacterial or antibiotic will reveal bacteria that has a resistance to that antibacterial or antibiotic. After many bacterial generations proven through different antibiotics, you get a super-bacteria.

If you go to a foreign nation, you might get a different version of the bacteria. You might get the runs or throw up, perhaps be sick for several days and maybe even die. But not because of proper treatment gone bad. Savage bumped against this at the beginning of his diatribe, that even us liberals get stomach bugs when we travel. True.

But that's different bacteria, not super-resistant bacteria fostered in the corners of super-clean hospitals. The only reason the conquistadors killed so many was mostly due to viruses, and that was only because they carried strains of viruses that were completely new to the humans they encountered.

Not only does Michael Savage suggest that the different bacteria that might be brought into the country by illegal aliens is the super-bacteria, he suggests that they are doing it on purpose to dissolve our society. Not only does he not have a grasp on epidemiology, but he doesn't have a grasp on basic biology and evolution which Watson was a part of.

We are causing this, Michael. Rail against rampant use of antibacterial soaps and the unfortunate necessity of "clean rooms" during operations that save millions of Americans yearly, not illegal immigrants; the cause is basic biology, not your pseudo-racist ideology.

How To: Keep Your Bitches in Line

Because today's a little loopy, crackhead day (see: President Bush pisses off China and makes the Democrats smile by giving the Dali Lama a medal 'n' shit), I thought I'd include this bit I caught on G4TV.com:



Hellz yeah.

Cheese n Rice: Early Halloween!

It's not every day that the Secretary of State gets taken for a ride. But that's exactly what happened today at a meeting-slash-party in Bethlehem!

No sooner had Condoleezza Rice stooped out of the Door of Humility when everyone shouted "Surprise!" and she was in the middle of a week-early Halloween party.



Gracious as always, Ms. Rice joked that she "must've come as Secretary of State!" "And I'm Ariel Sharon!" added the lady...standing next to her. Looks like not only Jesus was born in Bethlehem - hilarity was too!

I'll tell ya, that Condoleezza is all lady and all class.

The Pope, The Pope, The Pope is on Fire!

This is the Pope. This is the Pope ironically manifesting as the preferred method of unjustified execution of thousands of women and men called demons, witches, and sorcerers since Jesus died. Yay!

The Vatican News Service says this is Pope John Paul II givin' a shout-out from the grave in the form of a fire elemental...or the Holy Spirit Huge Flame Tongue Power of Destiny Afterlife Proof MegaPackage. Of course. Dag, yo, JP2's got all da gear!



Also recently seen ...Babar.



And, of course, the classic desert Jesus figure.



WTF Vatican News?

Gay Vatican Official "Not Gay"

Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, for the love of Larry Craig! From the Yahoo:

A Vatican official suspended after being caught on hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work.

In an interview published Sunday, Monsignor Tommaso Stenico told La Repubblica daily he frequented online gay chat rooms and met with gay men as part of his work as a psychoanalyst. He said that he pretended to be gay in order to gather information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity."

AP Image

For fuck's sake, look at the man! You don't even need to see video of him for a Level 5 Gaydar alarm (Beep! Beep! Dive! Dive! Going down!) - I can feel his eyes on my shoulders and my ass through the internets, his Italian sibilance echoes like a boy's choir in my ears longing to dash me on the rocks like the Siren daughters of Achelous, the cut of his jib longing for hot, steaming man meat.

But he was just pretending.

[Note: Homosexuality is not pedophelia and vice versa; please do not confuse the two. The Catholic Church demands celibacy, and for a high-ranking Vatican official to be trolling the internets for gay sex and using his office to caress a man's thigh is abuse of his station and his power. Denying it sticks him in the same closet as Larry Craig.]

He, above all, should know: If you're in the Vatican and going to "pretend" to be gay in some sort of top-secret save-the-world mission, you should probably document that somewhere, maybe with a superior, perhaps with the signature or mushroom stamp of the Pope. If not, you're just begging for it. And boy, was he begging for it.

You know what they say: If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck, it's probably a gay priest.

Wordpress Shuts Down the Free Speech

Today's OMG T'rr'rists! story comes from the NY Times:

An Internet Jihad Sells Extremism to Viewers in the U.S.

By MICHAEL MOSS and SOUAD MEKHENNET

When Osama bin Laden issued his videotaped message to the American people last month, a young jihad enthusiast went online to help spread the word.

"America needs to listen to Shaykh Usaamah very carefully and take his message with great seriousness," he wrote on his blog. "America is known to be a people of arrogance."

Unlike Mr. bin Laden, the blogger was not operating from a remote location. It turns out he is a 21-year-old American named Samir Khan who produces his blog from his parents’ home in North Carolina, where he serves as a kind of Western relay station for the multimedia productions of violent Islamic groups.

I know, I know, it's an outrage, get out of America, blah blah. It's ignorant, but it's free speech.

Or it was free speech. The article states that "there is nothing to suggest that Mr. Khan is operating in concert with militant leaders, or breaking any laws," but before the story hit this morning, Wordpress shut down the blog which a quick search reveals as http://ignoredknowledge.wordpress.com/ which says "This blog has been archived or suspended for a violation of our Terms of Service."

As a concerned citizen wary of any threats coming from any crazy, let alone a mouthpiece for jihad, I'm all for giving this guy the megaphone so everyone knows what he's doing, saying, and thinking, and if he's not breaking any laws, it is still free speech.

Nice job, Wordpress. WTF?

Saturday Whimsy: Scrips and ICUP

As I am not the invincible, indelible Übermensch that some readers may think I am (only on alternating Tuesdays), I thought I'd allow this little peek into my personal world. I have allergies. All of them. No food, no drug, but anything that produces pollen, dust, mold, or the salivary proteins on the dog and cat dander makes the underside of my chin itch, then sneezing, then watering, then misery (39/41 on the allergist scratch test - isn't that an A?).

Last trip to the allergist, I got a prescription that had this line (yes, they print them out now, oh heavenly technology):



I somehow don't think Mrs. Shambles will be pleased by the results of my rescue inhaler.

And then there's this wonderful bit of gas station drugstore merriment:



"What the hell is that?" you ask. Obviously, it's a drinking cup. Please allow me to elucidate:



Yes, it is, in fact, an envelope posing as a water-carrying device. It's "Another Innovative Idea for the 'People on the Go.'"

I don't know what marketing douchebag maintained a paycheck based on the idea of including an envelope with the overpriced allergy pills (alas, it was gas station Sudafed - not the good kind - that delivered to me that paper joy) when anyone with two hands can cup a gulp of water from the gas station sink (eww, I know) to take their meds, and anyone without two hands can't open the damn envelope (let alone the Sudafed packaging), and even if they do, how do they hold the envelope open if they don't have another hand to turn on the faucet?

As someone once said, these are the things I think about when I'm alone in the dark (reference needed).

Stupid allergies.

Hannity Shenanigans: War is Peace

[NOTE: This post has been updated with a 2 transcript pieces. Enjoy the headache.]

In today's Sean Hannity radio show, in a move meant to surprise no one, Hannity spends the first chunk of his show ignorantly hating on "undeserving Al Gore" and his wonderfully successful Nobel Peace Prize win. The logically retarded Hannity then goes on to ask his audience if we know who is deserving and nominates the brave American troops in Iraq.

Damn it, Sean, you ignorant douchebag. It is called the Nobel Peace Prize, and people who have illegally invaded a country (granted, by the order of Grand Dragon Asshat of the United States), killed thousands, and motivated insurgents to invade and kill thousands more are not fucking eligible!

SEAN HANNITY: Obviously the big news is Al Gore and the Nobel Peace Prize. You know, we ought to be proud. You know, sure he deserved it, about as much as Yassir Arafat deserved it - the terrorist (laughs). I'm sure he deserved it as much as Jimmy Carter deserved it - the incompetent one. Nobel Peace Prize are given to those who are considered outstanding in his field. I wonder which one of his three mansions had the field, of Al Gore. You know what the big question is, folks, nobody will ask him? I have it on good authority that Al Gore - within the last 48 hours - was seen getting off a private jet. In the last 48 hours; I don't know if it's true, we've got calls into all Gore's office, once again, but whenever Hannity calls, we don't get a response - what a shock - it's like Hillary Clinton's office. What do they do Sweet Baby James every time you call over there? They laugh, right, they pretty much laugh (laughs). We get the old Hillary laugh, showing the world that she's funny and happy. [Hillary laugh audio]

So here we've got Al Gore is the recepient of the Nobel Peace Prize a few years after Jimmy Carter was awarded the prize, same prize back in 2002. Basically we see a trend here: Norway's the place to go for failed Democratic politicians who want to recessitate their image by glomming on to the very bad policies that would damage their country. For Carter it was by embracing these anti-Israeli policies in his foreign policy. For Gore it was embracing anti-growth policies and this insane environmental extremism that he's bought into here. I guess both men have similarities: they both come from the South, they both have angry mean streaks [GORE: He betrayed this country, he played on our fears.] They have absolutely no grace out of office. They are very petty in their criticisms. They've got more radical and more extreme and more left wing after having left office. They're both bitter that their place in history is non-existant for the most part. They both win the Nobel Peace Prize for exactly that reason. You know why they win the Peace Prize? Let's be honest. For embracing the extreme left - that's what that Peace Prize is about. You got the Norwegian Nobel Committee made up of five persons who reflect the makeup of the Parliment. What a shock that they consistantly award people on the left. Prizes like this, they're meant to reward excellence; it's supposed to award achievement. It's too bad when those standards are cast aside in favor of advancing a leftist ideology. That's what's happened here, that's why at the end of the day, the Nobel Peace Prize is meaningless - absolutely, completely meaningless and it's also why the MoveOn.org mainstream media is going to make as big a deal about this as they possibly can. The American people utterly rejected Jimmy Carter and Al Gore. It's no surprise that they'd find a home in a committee that is characterized by its left-leaning ideology and its fierce opposition to real peace.

You want to talk about who deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, here's nominations: how about Ronald Wilson Reagan? How about George W. Bush? Those that believe that you should be the master of your own destiny, those that confront and defeat evil in their time. Those that use - How about Winston Churchill as a great example? Ohh, we can't - How about Harry Truman? How about FDR? How about those that recognize the forces of evil in their day?

What's ironic about this is - as we reported earlier this week - a British judge has ordered that when Al Gore's global warming hysteria film is shown to student audiences, it's now got to be accompanied by a warning that the film is a political propaganda film and riddled with false claims.
...[junk science, why the UN sucks]
The undeserving Al Gore, who had a press operation second to none, who flies around the world polluting the planet in his own big, old, fuel-consuming gulfstream, he gets the award. What about the troops in Iraq? How about the troops in Afghanistan? How about the troops all over the world that are really securing the peace for our country and millions of other people? They're treated like garbage by members of their own congress; they're treated like garbage in the international community. You know who deserves the Peace Prize? How about I nominate our brave men and women, our soldiers in Iraq? How about we nominate our soldiers in Afghanistan? The sad reality is that they'll never get the because it's become corrupted, political, meaningless, as evidinced by giving it to Jimmy Carter or Yassir Arafat or others who have done nothing for peace and frankly, through their weakness, quite the contrary, who have made the world a more dangerous place. It was Carter who brought us the Iranian people the Islamic fascist regime that now terrorizes the world.

Yes, that asshat just said "the Nobel Peace Prize is meaningless - absolutely, completely meaningless" and then proceeded to nominate people for the meaningless prize.

This is patriotism elevated to the level of absurdity, and it would be funny if it wasn't the terrifying, genuine thought process of someone with an audience of 12.5 million listeners per week. You could almost feel the small tremor of "Fuckin' A right!" reverberating through ignorant, conservative audiences across America.

UPDATE: Hannity's talking to Haditha Marine Justin Sharratt and his father about Rep. John Murtha's Haditha comments and how Justin was cleared of all charges. Hannity pledged to help in every way possible to aid Justin should he choose to run for U.S. Congress against Murtha (they're from the same voting district), stating "you're old enough to carry a Marine weapon," you can hold Congressional office.

SEAN: You know, you're in his district. You could run against him.
JUSTIN: That is a possibility.
SEAN: Would you consider that?
JUSTIN: If I was old enough, that is a good possibility -
SEAN: You're old enough. You're old enough to carry a Marine weapon, you're old enough.
...
SEAN: I'm going to make a promise to you, Justin, if you decide to do this, if you decide to run against John Murtha, I will do everything I can do to help you raise money and defeat him. I think the ultimate justice is, I believe the people in his district, if given the choice between somebody who is serving their country and is falsely accused, I think this could be an incred- I know you're a young man - how old are you?
JUSTIN: Twenty-three.
SEAN: You're twenty-three years old, but you know what? You have the strength and maturity - If you can go out in Iraq, in the streets of Hadditha, and withstand multiple IED attacks and sniper gun fire on a daily basis, you've proven you have the character, the toughness, the strength to take on John Murtha. And I can promise you that this audience will back you up and support you in every way imaginable, financially, we'll do everything - I'll give the maximum donation I can if you decide to do this.

Unfortunately for Sean and Justin, the Constitution of the United States of America states that you have to be 25 to hold office in the House of Representatives (30 for Senate, 35 to be President). Justin is 23. Then again, Sean Hannity doesn't read the Constitution.

Animated Excrement: The Bigot Coulter

I should be logging off.
I should be breathing deeply.
I should be putting down the gun.
I should be ignoring this.

But then I had to go and read Kate Chase's post mentioning that Jesus might even spit on Ann Coulter and got all riled up again. Media Matters has the transcript and terrifying video.

After saying Heaven would be like the 2004 Republican National Convention, she proceeded to discuss her own Bizarro America where everyone is a Christian, and these "perfected Jews" would exhibit amazing, super-human tolerance. Let's just take a snacking bite at some words from the mobile hellmouth:

COULTER: Well, OK, take the Republican National Convention. People were happy. They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America, they --

DEUTSCH: Christian -- so we should be Christian? It would be better if we were all Christian?

COULTER: Yes.

DEUTSCH: We should all be Christian?

COULTER: Yes. Would you like to come to church with me, Donny?

DEUTSCH: So I should not be a Jew, I should be a Christian, and this would be a better place?

COULTER: Well, you could be a practicing Jew, but you're not.

DEUTSCH: I actually am. That's not true. I really am. But -- so we would be better if we were - if people -- if there were no Jews, no Buddhists --

COULTER: Whenever I'm harangued by --

DEUTSCH: -- in this country? You can't believe that.

COULTER: -- you know, liberals on diversity --

DEUTSCH: Here you go again.

COULTER: No, it's true. I give all of these speeches at megachurches across America, and the one thing that's really striking about it is how utterly, completely diverse they are, and completely unself-consciously. You walk past a mixed-race couple in New York, and it's like they have a chip on their shoulder. They're just waiting for somebody to say something, as if anybody would.

I do believe she just alluded that it's okay to be black as long as you're not self-identifying yourself as black. As I said, this is just a sampling. Read the whole thing; it's worth the ten minutes and twenty Tums. And if you want the reality of megachurches, please see Jesus Camp (recommended one bottle of wine per person during the 90 minute viewing).

I do agree with Kate that Jesus would probably spit on her. But primarily, I see two major issues with Ann Coulter's Republican Christian Automaton America:

1. If Everyone in America were Christian Republicans, Ann Coulter would be the bag lady in the parking lot. The woman makes her living spouting stupidity and hate against anyone who is not a Conservative Christian would not be able to make a living in a world where everyone is Conservative and Christian


2. Converting the entire world with the broad Conservative Christian brush, it is a naive and foolish idea to believe that everyone would just get along at that point. Just as losing one sense amplifies the others, all the differences besides Christianity and Conservatism would become important: Christian sect (Catholic, Protestant, Presbyterian, etc.), race, intelligence, nationality, length of your nationality's dedication to Christ, length of personal dedication to Christ, favorite right wing nutjob radio host.
   
   Why? Because human nature dictates that we will glop together to form our identity by being part of different groups, and existing differences between people define different groups, which will define a facet or facets of their group distinction as superior out of an innate personal/group desire for self-preservation. That self-preservation raises walls and starts wars.

Coulter's perfect world simply doesn't exist; just like a heaven where everyone's praying and angels are singing and there's no conflict or progress, if ever did exist, it would be boring as hell.

Even in some alternate universe where there somehow exists an entire world full of Ann Coulters (terrifying because of, well, Ann Coulter, refreshing because the population would die out in one generation), differences in age, upbringing, geographic location, and even dichotomies in her own mind would cause rifts and sects and wars. Which gives rise to some satisfying imagery at the same exact moment that it degrades into a Photoshop.



My last stomach-curdling thought exercise: Ann Coulter is a vile, hate-seeping human being and because of her beliefs and demeanor alone, cannot be considered attractive under any circumstances. However, in some parallel universe where Ann Coulter was a well-spoken, intelligent liberal - maybe wore glasses - who consistently nailed the neoconservative base with poignant and pertinent attacks, do you think she could be hot?

Feel free to take a Google Image mental break if it becomes too much to get through the exercise.