Jesus Jokes

So Jesus walks into an inn, slaps down three spikes on the counter and says "Hey, could you put me up for the night?"



What? Not enough? Okay...



Just as an angry, stone-wielding crowd is about to close in on a defenseless woman, Jesus steps in and says "Those without sin may cast the first stone."

For several seconds, a dead silence hangs in the air, until a stone comes flying from the crowd, hits the woman right between the eyes, and kills her instantly.

Jesus surveys the crowd and says "Damn it, Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Ancient Roman D20 - $18,000

Being sold at Christie's



+100 Nerd Coolness; +10 Rich Coolness; -18,000 Gil; Shields bearer from Old Skool attacks.

(via BoingBoing).

Gay for America Again

I know I did this once, but since I'm going all official and scouring my MySpace so no potential clients can find objectionable content related to my name (I know, I'm selling out), I mourn this death from my page:


The Whitest Kids U'Know: Totally Gay for America

OMG - Peepul Stickin Needles In Emselves

Sometimes the most educated of us sound like the least (and I only say that because "retarded" is not PC).

AFP Reports that piercings can cause complications, especially if you try to do it by yourself or another non-professional:

The researchers surveyed 10,000 people aged over 16. A total of 1,049 people had a piercing, with 1,943 piercings in total across the group.

More than a quarter of those questioned (28 percent) suffered complications like swelling, infection and bleeding, while a minority also admitted to piercings of the tongue, lips and genitals without proper assistance. The research was published in the online version of the British Medical Journal.

This type of story and even the basic idea is not new: Something is potentially dangerous but cool. Idiots flock to dangerous. Sometimes idiots do not have money and/or intelligence to do the proper research and take "potentially" to "problematically." A researcher takes notice, takes a poll, and - gasp! - idiots are in danger.

Unfortunately, the idiots are given the spotlight and nuance is passed as medically viable. Some swelling and some bleeding is not abnormal when you stick a needle through your skin. Proper care and instruction is mandatory but not accounted for.

Honestly, this article makes me think some prude doctor saw a movie and said "OMG - Peepul Stickin Needles In Emselves" after seeing a kid with a lebret in the film.

Anyone can take something that is potentially dangerous and either turn it into 99% safe or 99% deadly.

I jump out of planes.

Idiots should not.

Kenya Bows to Basic Christian Ideals: Hunt Them Witches!

CNN Says:

It may be difficult for modern-day Western cultures to fathom, but in Western Kenya, beliefs in ghosts and witches are very real. And sometimes they have deadly consequences.

In late May, news outlets in Kenya told the story of 15 people, mostly elderly women, who were murdered in a witch hunt near the town of Kisii. The killings shocked the nation.

Villagers said more than 100 people gathered machetes and knives and stormed the village of Kegogi after midnight.

"They started banging on the doors, they broke into the house and then they killed our grandmother inside," says Justus Bosire. "The mob was screaming and we panicked. We ran away and they came to our house and burned it to the ground."

Initial reaction: Holy shit! What the fuck is going on here? And then a moment of reflection upon a later quote:

"I believe there is witchcraft and the witches kill," Magoma says while building a chapel. His fellow workers concur: Witches exist and can put spells on people.

Ooooohhhhh. It's native Kenyan pagan beliefs that have been flipped on their fucking head by Christian missionaries, and in this post-colonial, post-modern world - where, in this case, the world isn't even modern yet - no one knows heads or tails because everything is going to shit and they gave us a Bible and that's at least tangible and the Bible says:

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

- Exodus 22:18 (King James Version)

...so since bad shit is happening and even though according to our new-found beliefs only God has those powers, we need to blame it on someone: kill the witches!

"modern-day Western cultures" is a relative term. The folks in Salem considered themselves such.

Thank you, Jesus.

Happy Paraskavedekatriaphobia!

Paraskavedekatriaphobia is a fancy-ish word for fear of Friday the 13th. And today it's Friday the 13th! Be afeared!

You can read about the superstitious element at Wikipedia.

For me, Friday the 13th reminds me that tomorrow is Saturday the 14th, and when I was 11 years old, my friend David and I thought it would be a good idea to see the movie Saturday the 14th Strikes Back.


Analyze this poster for 2 minutes. I dare you. WTF?

We never saw the original, and after seeing the sequel were not inspired to do so. At 11, I was suddenly schooled in how a movie could suck ass. And this was before I was regularly using words like "trite," "tired," and the derogatory version of "quaint." After so long, having gained so much knowledge of art and entertainment, the tag line "WARNING: This movie starts where others chicken out!" makes my eyes water with sorrow and embarrassment for the very existence of the movie. This is artistic feces, churning and bubbling into the methane of poisonous memory.

Anyone have a match?

Tim Russert Dies at 58

Tim Russert, NBC News’ Washington bureau chief and the moderator of “Meet the Press,” died Friday after being stricken at the bureau, NBC News said Friday. He was 58.

He will be missed.

Coulter Says...

From Ann:

In a conversation recently, I mentioned as an aside what a great president George Bush has been and my friend was surprised. I was surprised that he was surprised.

I generally don't write columns about the manifestly obvious, but, yes, the man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents.

A-hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ahhh...hahhaahahaha!

Ann Coulter, your supposed satire is priceless!

Dumbledore!

I saw this months ago and didn't realize I should share it with you. Harry Potter Puppet Pals:

Kucinich Presents Impeachment, Suffers E-Attack

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich last night introduced 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush in a dramatic presentation of the floor of the House of Representatives that last nearly five hours.

And you can read all about it and get links to the video at Dennis Kucinich's main site. Most exciting 5 hours of C-SPAN ...evar!

Can I get a "hell yeah!"?

Pelosi's already said impeachment is off the table. Glad someone has the sack to bring it to some level of public awareness.

Unfortunately, the government knows well the battle to fight reality. From an email from the Kucinich campaign:

Under circumstances that can best be described as "suspicious," the www.kucinich.us website was crippled early this morning a few hours after Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced 35 extensively documented Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush.

Surprise! I know. I say it louder!

Rush is Right!

Today, I agreed with Rush Limbaugh.

He was reporting on a story about how, in Seattle, the Parks and Recreation division of the local government is looking at banning bonfires because they contribute to global warming.

This is bullshit, and it needs to be stopped. And that's where I agreed with Rush.

My own speak of such idiocy lies in liberal helplessness: we can't control the ignorance of government, we can't control industrial smog, we can't control pollution at a global level, so we must gain control in some other way, even if it's meaningless. And this is meaningless.

My message: We need to stop these bigger things! Learn how to get people motivated instead of shutting down the basis by which they can meet and get motivated. Bonfires are - literally and figuratively - brilliant ways in which we can emblazon people to get fired up about incendiary events and legislation. Hey, while you're relaxed and fired up, how about this idea?

Seattle is retarded, snuffing the smolder and hoping for a flame.

But then Rush strayed, talking about how this was a violation of our basic rights, talking about how that violation was ruining America and how liberals were forcefully trying to crap on the Constitution and whittle away our rights one by one.

His post at EIB Networks is apparently a cave that allows these stories into his computer but blocks out the bigger issues. Yes, this potential legislation is stupid and shits on normal people - some who champion the cause of Global Warming. But our current, American Government shits all over our civil rights every day.

Ask anyone who has tried to protest the President in their "free speech zone" 2 miles away.

Is that Free Speech, Rush? How about wire taps? How about unreasonable search and seizure? How about reaction defense, smelling everyone's shoes because of one dilweed with a bad match? How about giving me matches because they took my lighter?

No one on the liberal side is trying to take away our inalienable rights. Just the neo-cons. With fear, with war, with fear of more war. And as much as Rush pushes the liberal crap in one direction, I'm a Liberal, and I say Seattle is pulling Shenanigans. And I'm a Liberal and I'm saying Rush is scared.

And I can't wait to hear his show when we win.

Best Internets Photo Evar

I was allowing Picasa to troll through photos on my system for a project I'm working on and found this gem.

And it is a gem.

Love it.

You Have Been Left Behind?

Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye, two fundamentalist whack-nutters who have used those who have interpreted the quixotic and relative book of Revelation as a message for the End of Days and made a happy profit on spreading their mental disorder have spawned a business.

The website, You've Been Left Behind, offers a service: for a fee, you are able to compose letters to your beloved, yet un-saved, relatives, friends, and co-workers, and save them on the server attached to email addresses. Six days after the Rapture - when Jesus meets all his followers in the sky to leave the unbelievers behind to endure the Tribulation - you will get your email, explaining why Jesus loves them more and you're Left Behind.

Question (Series) One: Is not the presumption of Salvation of yourself and judgment of another's actions as lesser than yours Pride? Isn't paying money to join a service assuming others sin guaranteeing your place in hell?

Question (Series) Two: How does the server know when to send the emails? If this place is run by Believers, would there not be a lack of Believers after the Rapture and, therefore, no one to execute the order? If run by non-believers, how can you trust them? And, finally, if you trust your emails and the potential salvation of un-saved loved ones to believers who, with their website, are making a promise of potential salvation to you and God, and they are Raptured, are they then sent back for lying when the basic premise is violated?

The message of this post is: Believers running the scheme can never be proven to deliver on their promise, if it is even possible to do so, and anyone subscribing is a sucker.

Suckas!

Cincinnati Cicadas - The Noise

No pics, as promised, although they're moving a lot between trees and bushes right now. No swarming yet.

But the noise is something I didn't expect. In "Independence Day," there's that one scene where the President gets overwhelmed with psychic noise of an insect nature. It's like that, but constant. And oscillating.

Right now, when it's at its peak, you can't hear people right next to you speak. And it rings in your ears. It's got an oscillating wave of about 5.5 seconds between peaks and at the peak it's enough to drive you crazy if you're not ready to just experience it and feel in awe of it. Much like the theory of taking acid: if you're not ready for anything, stay inside.

Unfortunately, I have no recording equipment to bring the pain to you. Or acid. Actually, that's probably fortunate on both counts.

Cincinnati Cicadas in Notation Only

It appears that they taste like cold asparagus, but only if they're eaten when in the Albino stage.

My dog, Gracie, ate 20 of them on her last bathroom outing.

I don't know if they'll make your pee smell like asparagus.

I may just have an answer tomorrow.

Cicadas..Just Kidding: Politics!

So last night we were looking, waiting to see if Hillary would drop out and she said "Hells no!" Barry-O was to be graceful in supposed victory and he's all "I will be the Democratic candidate fo sho." And John McCain, completely in line with what we have all come to expect, was a lying douchebag.

Let's do a quick rehash using some demonstrative images from their respective speeches.

John McCain



McCain, with his background, now apparently represents the Green Party. But the real star of the show was Smilin' John's Shit-Eating Grin. The speech itself was angering and unenlightening:

• Democrats are baaaaad and hate America
• I love America and won't let'em ruin it
• Show off the wooden teeth and allow the automatons applaud
• Rinse off the poop and repeat.

It was lack of vision, lack of substance, lack of character.

Barack Obama



Expectedly, Obama pulled the necessary delegates and the media drooled and jizzed all over the story and coverage. His speech was strong, decisive, and inspiring. And that's what got him where he is.

I guess the Obama staffers were in a rush to portray the pale white support that Obama has because - I know it's not as good a shot as the television - they had represented everything from strawberry blonde to deep auburn. That's right, Barack Obama has the full support of the redhead coalition:


And finally... Hillary Clinton



Hillary, while a bit reserved in her speech, was overshadowed by her supporters. As opposed to the Obama Redhead Alliance, she was able to pull in a few African-Americans, a questionably Indian gentleman, white men, and the token homosexual male in yellow stripes pictured here.

The best part of the entire speech was immediately after this image was taken: Mr. Flamboyant was optioned by the African-American on his left, at which time his exuberance flatlined and he mouthed "what?" His leash tightened, he was at heel within seconds.

Estimation of the conversation of Hillary supporters behind her back:

Stripes: Woohoo! Yeah! Hillary 4-ev-R!
Dignified African-American (DAA): Dude!
DAA: Dude!!!
Stripes: What?
DAA: You're on fucking national television. Behave yourself.
Stripes: Really? You're --
DAA: Do you want Hillary to lose?
Stripes: Um...no.
DAA: Behave.
Stripes:Um...okay.

Yet Obama still wins...until the convention. Crazy bullshit in play, much politicking to go around, and Batshit McCain to spread more lies. I think we have a long way to go.

Cincinnati Cicadas, Round 5 - Brood XIV

For those of you who are avoiding my blog because you are sicked out by the Cicada pictures, I apologize. I really do. Mrs. Shambles is - at the very least - irritated by my fascination for these 17-year insects. It's not looking likely, but if they mate and take to swarming, she'll be in the basement for the next three weeks.

So if you don't want to see pictures of bugs, please bear with me one last time. Yes, this is the last one. I promise. Unless they swarm. One guy I talked to yesterday said when they hit Cincinnati the last time (2004), you could drive down the street, not even very fast, and 50 could hit your windshield at once. Let's just say I filled my washer fluid reservoir today. Not really, but I should've.

So today's Cicada excitement comes in a couple forms. All of them photographic.

NOTE: All images used in my Cicada posts - good or bad - are all original photography and I did not watermark it because that's a pain in the ass. If you want to copy and post it yourself, I ask for two things: 1) Make a mention of my blog. A link would be nice. 2) Don't leech; that means: copy the image and save it yourself and upload it to your image hosting (I use Photobucket) or blog site itself.


Cicada husks in the shrubbery. Bastards!

So let's go through some life-cycle action:


What it looks like after emerging from the ground


At first I thought "Albino Cicada!" but that's the emergence.


Emergence with an early riser in the background.


Believe it or not, same cicada as in the previous 2 pictures about an hour and a half later.

So how do you feel about this series? Gross? Vile? Enlightening? You hated bugs already and now hate me? Let me know. My comment box is always opened and never monitored.

Still working on the noise...

That's Mr. T-Shirt Hell to You

Have you heard of T-Shirt Hell? If you're not jumping up and down, flashing gang signs, and holla'n "Heall yeah, mothafucka!" then you're probably someone I would like to have a conversation with. Can't stand bad grammar.

So T-Shirt Hell. This is not a "funny t-shirt" site. This is a blatantly offensive t-shirt site. And it just happens to be funny. If you are easily insulted or offended, do not - I repeat - do not go there.

But, if you do, please note that if you go there by clicking one of the links in this post or the soon-to-be-added link on the left - and you purchase a shirt - I get credits towards free shirts.

If you don't buy any shirts and forgo the previous warning about offensiveness, then, hey, free entertainment. We know where you live.

Shirts I own:



...and another that has been discontinued (and is therefore imageless) that says:

TOOL
Not the band, I'm just a tool.

...and I was going to put the most offensive shirt I could find right here but Sesame street characters, suicidal and taking recreational drugs, dead Muppets, jokes about eating pussy, sucking cock, and angry pirates: it's all just humor to me and the subjectivity of our world dictates that you will probably be offended by something and that thing will be different for each person.

So how about I recant my previous warning and you just go there to see if there is something that actually does offend you. I dare you. Prude.

So enjoy the site, buy a shirt, and don't toss any "I'm offended" sanctimonious bullshit in my direction.

Cincinnati Cicadas, Round 4 - Brood XIV

More pics and scientific information this time.


Got a picture of one of them emerging, before the molt.


The ground appears as swiss cheese, or at least like the brain of a mad cow.


...and the husks continue to pile...

And teh science on Cincinnati Cicadas (or at least the news)!

"Individual songs can be heard right now," Kritsky said. "They will start chorusing over the weekend and be at their peak by June 7. By July 4, they'll be gone."
...
"I once measured the sound of a cicada singing in a tree at 96 decibels," Kritsky said. "That's louder than the planes flying over my Delhi Township home."
...
For cicadas to emerge from their 17-year subterranean slumber, the soil needs to reach 65 degrees.
...
As with every cicada emergence, the fundamental things about these insects apply: They do not carry disease. They do not sting or bite humans. They do not taste good.

"I ate one from the last brood in 2004," Kritsky said.

He rated the cicada for mouth feel: "Like eating something squishy from a cold can of asparagus."

And taste: "The juice from that same can."

Mmmm...asparagus!

So it looks like 5 or so days to the peak. The noise is currently at an antagonistic annoyance level - cranking the Sirius much higher this past week. Hopefully I can figure out how to get you wonderful readers a sample of the noise. It's really quite lovely.

DJ Spooky and Obama

I'm not an Obama myrmidon, but this is pretty damn good. If this is the spirit, then I'm ready to believe that we can make America better.