NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Competition

So I entered this writing competition. First time for this particular competition, but not the first time I entered a writing competition with them. First time: won my heat, got honorable mention in finals. Second time: nothing.

This time, I'm it's Flash Fiction, meaning I have to write a story under 1,000 words. That's not the only bit. Entrants are given a genre, a place, an object to use in their stories, and 48 hours to compose and submit it.

My bit? Genre: historical fiction; Place: subway; Object: pencil.

First Round: 2nd place, 22/25 points in one of four rounds.

The next story guidelines drop at midnight tonight. Wish me good writing. Here's the story I took 2nd place with:

Orientation

[descriptive intro]
In June of 1927, Jimmy McMurphy lost his job, along with hundreds of others, when the Cincinnati Subway project shut down forever. His closest friend, Henry Amato, shows up to deliver a message that will change his life even more than the closing of the tunnels.


Orientation

Jimmy rubbed his pencil sideways on the concrete, more concerned about working it to a point than the mark he was leaving on the floor. Satisfied, he shifted on the stairs, and wrote on a defunct work order: Talk to Margaret.

Yep. That would have to be first.

“Hey.”

The word cracked like a bullwhip through the bare bones of Liberty Station and the adjoining tunnels. But Jimmy had been on for years and was used to the noises in the tunnels. He looked towards the source and was not surprised to see Henry Amato emerge into the din of the remaining lights.

Jimmy looked back at his list. “Heya, Henry.”

“What’s eating you, McMurphy?” he asked “We all took off hours ago.”

“I don’t know. Thinkin’ things through, what to do next.” He looked up at Henry. “You got a ciggy?”

Henry pulled one out, handed it over, and flicked his Zippo.

“Don’t worry. They’re short on cash. They’ll get it together and we’ll be back up before you know it.”

Jimmy took a puff and looked up. “You really believe that?”

Henry shifted his gaze.

“Don’t be a sap,” said Jimmy. “It’s 1927. It’s hard everywhere. You don’t send hundreds of guys packin’ because you’re a little short on dough.” He rested his elbows on his knees. “Foreman said so: ‘Nobody’s coming back.’”

“Yeah,” said Henry, his mind elsewhere, and snapped back. “So what you thinkin’ of doing now?”

“I don’t know,” said Jimmy, grabbing a handkerchief to mop his sweating head. “I guess they’re still building in New York. Have an in here in Cinci packing pigs.”

“Yeah,” said Henry, and smacked Jimmy in the shoulder, laughing. “You in a slaughterhouse. Don’t razz me.”

Jimmy chuckled, picked up his pencil again, and wrote one word – Orient – as the second item on his list. He rolled the paper like a scroll between his hands and looked up at the dark ceiling. “You know anything about the Orient?”

“What, like Chinks and shit?”

“Yeah – I guess – but the Far East. Mystery. Unknown. Maybe danger?

“Been at this gig six years, Henry. Never had less than one job all my life. Now I’m dropped and it’s scary, exciting.” Jimmy’s eyes lit up. “We could start again. Anywhere. It doesn’t have to be Cincinnati.”

Henry stepped back from Jimmy and turned away.

“McMurphy, you really are a damn earful.”

“I just have to figure things out with Margaret.”

Henry’s shoulders slumped. “About that,” he said.

Immediate panic wrenched Jimmy from his glowing state and cranked his head towards Henry.

A sigh escaped Henry’s lips and for the first time in years, Jimmy noticed how empty an echo the tunnel produced.

He turned. “She’s gone, Jimmy. She – she sent me to tell you.”

Jimmy jumped, his hands fists, his breath short, his eyes burning. They’d had problems, but Gone? Why?

He took two steps towards Henry, pointed at him. “You’re lying,” was all he could choke out.

“No.” Henry stepped back.

“If you’re makin’ this up, I will plant one on your kisser so damn hard.”

“Jimmy. No.”

He could tell by the look on Henry’s face he was telling the truth. Jimmy moved back and slumped down on the steps, burying his head in his hands. “Where?”

“Her mom’s in Cleveland”

Jimmy looked up. “But how? I haven’t even been –”

“C’mon, McMurphy, you’ve been stewing in this hole almost four hours. All the guys are home. We live in the same neighborhood, for Chrissakes. You don’t think word would travel?”

“Has it been that long?”

“Yeah.”

Jimmy’s eyes shut of their own accord and in that darkness, he saw red, saw Margaret and her parents in Cleveland. Orange was his own home. Alone. Breathing and breathing all the way to New York. Blue. The mysterious Orient was somehow washed in a purple white.

He opened his eyes and started – Henry was right in front of him, stooped so their eyes met. One of the two overhead strings of lights went out. They both looked up.

“You okay?” Henry asked. “Thought you went off your nut there for a minute.”

“No, I’m –”

SMACK! came Henry’s hand. “Then snap out of it, McMurphy. Come over to my place. Anna’s been saving some gin. We’re going to get an edge. It’ll be like a regular juice joint. To hell with the world.”

Jimmy stared at Henry’s brilliant grin with both amusement and sorrow. “Then you’d better go,” he said.

The remaining light glowed around Henry’s head as he stood. “Don’t be a wet blanket.”

“Just go.”

“McMurphy, I—”

“Henry? Scram. And I mean that.”

The last string of lights flickered – but remained lit – in Liberty Station.
“I’d better go then.”

Jimmy smiled. “Yeah, you’d better.”

Henry walked back into the darkness from whence he came. “See you later?”

“Sure.”

Henry’s head turned back over his shoulder to see the man on the stairs. “Hey, don’t take any wooden nickels, you harp.”

“You neither, ya wop.”

And he was gone.

The scrolled-up paper lolled back and forth on the concrete, pushed by whisps and whirls of what would never become a real ventilation system. Jimmy picked up that paper and rolled it open.

On the top: Talk to Margaret

Below: Orient

And underlying it all, the orders and plans that had given his life structure for the last six years and now meant even less than the marks scrawled over them.

On the top: Talk to Margaret. She would need time. He would need time. Jimmy picked up the pencil once again and scratched out the first item.

Below: Orient

“Yep,” he said aloud. “That would have to be first.”

He leaned over and drew, again, on the concrete, in no discernable pattern. Loops and whirls gave way to crossovers and blank patches as the graphite wore away and the wood of the pencil folded over on itself and allowed not one more thing to be written.

UPDATE: Are they trying to kill me?

GENRE - Romance
LOCATION - A mountain summit
OBJECT - Nail clippers

I'll have more later.

Palin Baby Daddy a...Baby, Daddy - Updated

I'm looking for Levi Johnston's MySpace page, but until I find the link, here's the excerpts:

On his MySpace page, Johnston boasts, "I'm a f - - -in' redneck" who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.

"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess."

"Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass," he added.

He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids."

Classy.

Plays hockey? Sarah Palin coaches hockey. For the creepy folks out there: Mom does daughter's boyfriend, fakes daughter's pregnancy, mom ends up with daughter and grandchild from same father! Yay speculation!

UPDATE!

It's obviously gone through a little refining, but obviously not at the hands of the McCain campaign, and it can be found here: http://www.myspace.com/levilovesbristol.

New insights? Of course:

I wont be run out of myspace just because of some fuckin newspaper people working for obama. What my future mother-in-law is doing has nothing to do with me or Bristol, but I want everyone who reads this to know, every time they attack us for being human, they show why America needs leaders like Sarah Palin.

If you came to my page just to be political, you are wasting your time. But if you came and want to throw a shout out for support, bring it on!

And setting the profile to private is apparently beyond his computer skills.

My girl is my life, for real. Bristol is what I live for, and now as everyone knows, I will be a father soon. Yea, I am young, but I still know what love and commitment mean, and love evry minute of my life.

Go Warriors! Yay hockee!

The New Folks - For Me

I'd be remiss if I didn't formally welcome Texas Oasis and all the way from oy to vey to my Linktastica!

Welcome! I look forward to being reminded to read your blogs, reading your blogs, and wondering why I don't visit more frequently.

Cheers!

McCain's Chelsea Joke

McCain reportedly told a "joke" about Chelsea Clinton in 1998, saying: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

So, who's saying "Yeah, we'd like more of this!"?

Oh, the Republicans.

Add it to the "cunt" comment. Square it by Palin. And see how many disgruntled Hillary-supporting women this posturing septuagenarian will gather.

None.

Ramble: Grandpa, Hospice, Cleveland, Waiting

Peter, 2008

That was the last really good picture anyone was able to take of my grandfather.

Grandpa was brought to America as an infant aboard the Lusitania's sister ship, the Mauritania, so his father didn't have to give him or his older brothers up to mandatory military service in Europe. He subsequently volunteered for WWII and ended up flying with and repairing PBYs in lieu of a dream of war photography (he was promoted on his first day in the field because he could type).


Grandma and Grandpa (right couple), 1945

After the war, he became a Cleveland firefighter, then fire inspector, raised a family of three kids who brought him 10 grandchildren, half a dozen great-grandchildren to date.

Grandma passed away in '96, but he lived strong, independently, taking up woodcarving and pursuing his love of photography in a world that was turning dauntingly digital in front of his eyes.

A few months ago, circulation issues suddenly decided to reveal themselves, and his leg was amputated below the knee. Then above the knee. Then his "good" foot didn't look good, but he was getting around. And diagnosed congestive heart failure kicked in. That's what sent him to hospice.

And now we wait. For anyone who has not been in a hospice situation with a loved one: that's what you do. Hospice is there to make dying as comfortable as possible. I'm glad to report that he is comfortable.

Doctors have told us everything from "it could be hours" to "he's doing well" and back again. For those not initiated, that is also normal.

I was very lucky on the two trips I took to see him lucid for much of the visit; other family reported hours of sleeping, raspy breathing, and terrifying apnea. It was foggy, iffy, and it could be funny ("Have the children been gathered and locked in the basement?" WTF?), but it could also be deep, meaningful ("See, we belong here, but we also belong to the infinite. Sometimes you just don't know where you should be.").

Methadone will do that to you. But the worst thing is to dismiss it as I heard so many times: "He's on medication." Yes, he is. But he's trying to talk through that filter right now. I've taken 15 bong rips and been in a similar state, grasping for words, cognizant of the mistakes I was making, employing self-deprecation and reminding folks I'm fucked up.

My grandfather is the most principled, relaxed, wise, and truly Christian man I know. He is the closest thing I've ever met to what is said about Jesus.

About 8 years ago, I spent many an evening for hours at a time with a Digital Audio Tape Recorder, Grandpa, and some coffee. I gathered his story from when he came over, and his life and times and stories and wisdom. I edited the audio, burned it to CD, transcribed it, added pictures, and bound copies for my entire family. None of that NPR 3 minute BS, this was 3 hours of awesome, of geopolitical European history, of Ellis Island immigration and quarantine, of taking railroad coal and your own piece of America, of defending America and raising an amazing family. And of solicited wisdom. Full-on, audio-lovin', war and wisdom.

Back to reality: My father had some great conversations with him, some candid ones too: he understands he's going; he wants to go; and superhero/super-American/super-Christian doesn't find himself worthy. Which, of course, proves his worthiness. He literally told my father he didn't know how to let go, should he be taken.

So we pray, send thoughts, try to help him beyond the veil.

So I've rambled enough and if you've read this far, thank you. We wait because it could be hours, it could be days. We don't know, so we wait.

And I'll leave you with the words of a very wise man I never would have guessed had it in him: "Only his spirit knows when it's time. And when it happens - it'll be perfect."

I've volunteered: I just hope I can make it through a eulogy.

Thanks.

Now let's get back to diggin' up Palin trash!

Palin Loves on Bridge to Nowhere

Great job to The Real News on this research:

The Palin Question(s)/Comments

Okay, so there are many questions about the beauty queen, anti-feminist, pro-lobbyist, newly-minted veep candidate. I've been preoccupied all weekend (more later), but in my couple hours of catch-up, I've got a question. Or two. Or a comment. Or something.

For as much as parental responsibility and "control of your kids" is touted by the right wing, the radio freakies are treating Bristol's pregnancy as though it makes her more "common folk" where if it were a Democrat's daughter it would be "they can't control their kids; how will they control a country?" The real question is: did Sarah Palin, like a good conservative Christian and denier of reality, preach the failing Bush gospel of abstinence-only, which resulted in a first hand account of exactly how well it works?

And "common folk?" I'm guessing Gov. Palin will probably hire a nanny for her kid's kid, and Bristol will continue on to a high-end college and promising career, whereas single mothers all over America every day are not so lucky.

Comment: If Sarah Palin can use the fact that she chose to have a Down's Syndrome child (why was there even a test done?) to establish her anti-choice, conservative cred, then her minor child's out-of-wedlock pregnancy is fair game as an example to take it away.

(sidenote: The story of Palin covering up for her daughter's [potentially "first"] pregnancy is an intriguing read. Coming out with Bristol's pregnancy to refute rumors when it does no such thing smells of my daughter's ability to readjust the story to let out just a bit more truth. And now comes the pause where she waits to see if we like to drink hogwash.)

{Alternet's Top Ten Most Disturbing Facts and Impressions of Sarah Palin

Last thing, for real but not really for real: Isn't a meteoric rise from obscurity one of the signs of the Antichrist? Is there anything directly that says it has to be a He?

Very Brief Hiatus

I've been a bad, bad blogger this week.

My grandfather was taken to a hospice center on Tuesday after a prolonged battle with circulation issues in his legs. We're headed up for the weekend.

Hopefully back on Tuesday.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Michelle's Speech & Disenchantment (but not with her speech)

Did you see Michelle Obama last night?

Me neither. I own an XBox360 now - and just downloaded Bionic Commando: Rearmed.

But it was supposedly pretty good according to some sources. Anyway, you know me - meh - here it is. I'll comment in YAY or capitalized MEH after I actually watch it.



UPDATE: After viewing: no capital letters, but still meh.

She looked good, she delivered her speech in that perfect "I'm not a professional speaker but passionate about what I speak of" tone with lovely pauses, almost no UMs the hubby's famous for (in my mind).

I guess it's a level of sad disillusion about politics based on heading into the same hurricane with the same slam ads, the same commercials that border slander, and the same ignorant public, many of which think Barack Obama is a Muslim while others eat up the bullshit lie that his birth certificate is invalid with sporks, pitchforks, and hunting knives.

I'm 31 (personal bit!). This will be the fourth presidential election I get to take part in since my 18th birthday. Two of the three previous elections resulted in questionable and borderline fraud from the voting booths to the Supreme Court.

Can I expect better?

No. Apparently the only thing we've learned from "hanging chads" is that we need to eliminate paper - and accountability. And now Diebold machines that can be hacked with a magnet and a PDA are being instituted all over America. Machines designed by a company that has tight ties to the Bush administration, machines that have a history of complete failure (I noted at least one "memory card" issue during the primaries).

Let's throw in voter scare tactics by Republicans, just for shits and giggles.

What do we have now? More - but not better - technology, more advanced intimidation tactics not focused on discouraging illegal practices but people not entirely certain of their rights, and more lies and lies and lies.

And that's why I'm "meh" today. I hope America works this time, but there are many, many people working to make sure they fry the circuits or piss on the keyboard or steal the whole computer.

Let's be vigilant. Give me to Thursday. I'm hoping for a rally cry.

Dennis Kucinich in Denver

Kucinich is in Denver this week (duh!) and will be speaking today: Tuesday!

From his office:

Dear Friends,

Yesterday, kicked off what promises to be a great week for Kucinich supporters as we arrived in Denver for the Democratic National Convention. We will be reporting daily from Denver so keep an eye on our website for updates!

Tomorrow, Tuesday, Dennis will address the Democratic National Convention on the pressing issue of the Economy. Be sure to tune in at around 6:00pm ET.

This week too, both the New York Times Magazine (Sunday August 23) and the Washington Post Magazine (Sunday August 31) have special feature articles on your Voice in Congress, Dennis Kucinich.

Dennis will also be on a number of other shows this week including the Bill Maher Show, CNN, The Randi Rhodes Show, Hannity and Colmes. We will give you Dennis' media appearance notifications on Twitter.

Love that man, and I wish I was in Denver.

Who's Got Giant Wasps?

I've got giant wasps!

Just when I thought all the summer excitement of the cicadas of Cincinnati was completely gone (except for the occasional husk), there is more fun!

Yesterday, I was outside and, like any good homeowner, weed-whacking, when I looked down to see a large mound of obviously-dug-out dirt. Next to another one. There were almost a dozen, actually, anywhere from four to nine inches in width.

What the hell? Moles again? Some kind of crazy ants?

So I did what every reasonable male without supervision would do: I poked one of them with a stick. And I poked again. And from a certain angle, I could see the entrance hole in one of these buggers. and it was about as thick as my pinky finger.

That's no ant.

Figuring that it was innocuous, I stood back up, picked up the weed-whacker, and just before I pulled the trigger - a deep, resounding "Bzzz-bzz-bbzzzzz" and I turned quickly to catch a quick shift of movement to match the noise and ...this:


Not My Picture

That image is about right: hovering from the dirt nest like an Apache Chopper, and slowly moving in my direction, was a wasp larger than I'd ever seen. There was black and there was yellow, but my senses were first overwhelmed by the tremendous noise it made and then by the fact that it was almost two inches long and as thick around as my pinky finger.

So I did what every reasonable male without supervision would do: I dropped the weed whacker, screamed like a schoolgirl, and retreated twenty feet, doing a twitchy, shivering dance of sorts. After calming down and seeing several of these behemoths come and go, I slowly reeled the weed-whacker in by the power cord and retreated to the internets to find out about this monstrosity.

The Cicada Killer (Sphecius speciosus)

The boring part of the story is that these guys are called Cicada Killers. Regionally, they have adapted to their habitat and emerge only after the cicadas - surprise! They tunnel into the dirt, one female per mound, and bind up their eggs with cicadas so their babies can feed...when the cicadas wake up.

The males, most often seen, cannot actually sting. And the females, who can, will only do so if stepped on barefoot or grabbed.

Aren't you lucky! This means at least one more post. I've got some pictures of the mounds, but by the time I got my blood pressure down and opened a beer, it was nearing dusk, and I couldn't catch any pics of the wasps. Better luck tomorrow.

Christ Died For Our...

I used to have this as a magnet on my fridge and had one of those "Wherever did that go?" moments. I really don't know.



I will have to get another at Big Fun in Coventry (Cleveland) next time I'm by.

What the Internets Say: Bugs!

In doing some insect research (more coming on that), my Firefox tabs again provided me with situational humor.



Bugger.

Kids in the Hall - Gavin - Painting a Chair

Earlier this week, I was pining about Gavin painting a chair.

So instead of whining about a clip, I simply made it available. Yay!

Enjoy!

Chainsaw Maid

What more could you ask for than a chainsaw-wielding maid, dispatching zombies in claymation? Nothing.

Thank you BoingBoing.

Does McCain Know Anything?

It seems that John McCain doesn't just have trouble remembering his houses. At the National Review:

Like any limousine liberal, McCain prefers the symbolic gesture to walking the walk. In our News interview, he was asked what kind of car he drove. As with Politico’s question about home ownership, he didn’t know and had to ask a nearby aide. “A Cadillac CTS,” she told him. But then the senator was quick to point out that he had bought his daughter a Prius — the prefect halo symbol for his green pretensions.

I believe there is a slight chance that he will completely lose his mind and step beyond batshit crazy before November. Then again, that may garner him more votes.

Just no one ask him how much a gallon of milk costs.

Douchebag Humor: The Surefire Muslim Killer

I tire quickly from people - even friends - who barrage my inbox with "this is humor" and "interesting facts" that were debunked by Snopes back in '95.

Especially shit like this:

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

I have a wonderful sense of humor. This does not fall into that sphere.

I Can Fly!

Yes. Yes, you can.

When we were in Columbus, we went to the Columbus Zoo. Many more aminal pictures to come, along with some choice words about crowds and stupid people.

My Man Bag

While I was out at Little Miss Shambles' Columbus Feis, we stopped at the Irish Cultural Festival for the rest of the day and evening and I finally got myself a man bag, a.k.a. man purse. Between my honkin' Treo, house keys, car keys, and the almost-constant writing notebook and current book or two, I've been longing for this for over a year.



It is wonderful.

I just thought you should know.

This is Really Wrestling

I swear.

(shout out to my good friend Brent for making my day with this)

The Kids in the Hall - Gavin

Oh, it's been so long. I woke up this morning with a hankerin' for some Gavin (as played by Bruce McCulloch). Unfortunately, I can't find the Painting a Chair skit, so I can't expound upon how in England everyone only has one spoon. Alas, I found a substitute.

If you're not familiar, take a look. It's worth every golden second.

NBRA Billboard Bullshittery

From the National Black Republican Association:

This is a campaign like no other. With your help, we will put up 50 - that's right - 50 "Martin Luther King, Jr. was a Republican" billboards all over the City of Denver, while the Democratic Party is having their national convention there.

I didn't realize five people could be an association.

Seriously, though, I don't understand how an African-American could belong to a party that has a proven record and continues to strive towards the disenfranchisement of millions of low-income, minority voters.

I guess money trumps race any day.

Kitten vs. Newborn '08

Lest we forget that it's not just an Obama/McCain campaign, I'd like to take a moment to recognize the true battle raging in America today:

Brad Espisito


vs.

Frank Tambanelli


It's the classic struggle of kitten vs. newborn, the epic tail of the cute kitty vs. a baby in a suit.

Visit the sites. Watch the videos. Laugh your ass off. Thank Adult Swim.

It should come as no surprise: I'm voting for the kitty.

Yoda the Four-Eared Cat

Yoda:



...or Evil Kitty.

I do believe we'll be sticking with a feline theme today.

The Real McCain: McCain's Mansions

Warning: I felt physically ill after watching this. I just don't see how so much of America can be duped by this troll. From The Real McCain site:

The Farting Preacher

Ladies and gentlemen, the farting preacher.



(via BoingBoing)

Russia Seizes Arse

Because I rarely have less than 5 tabs open on Firefox, sometimes things get truncated.



Putin: what an ass-grabber.

(Russia now has a couple thousand US weapons that they have taken from Georgia - I didn't realize we were dealing arms to Georgia.)

UPDATE: Just after I posted this, I heard two right-wing idiots spout how we must arm Georgia. I guess they don't read the news; we already did.

McCain's Citizenship?

I was angered to see Media Matters state that:

On The War Room With Quinn & Rose, guest host Mike Pintek echoed right-wing websites in questioning the authenticity of Sen. Barack Obama's birth certificate, claiming: "I still keep wondering about his birthplace and his birth certificate. I'm still not convinced that he actually was born a natural-born citizen."

Does anyone note that John McCain was born "in the Panama Canal Zone in 1936?"

Waggle the US Constitution a little and you'll find that there has never been a definitive case concerning a foreign-born man running for office of POTUS.

Could McCain be the first?

(That's a question for the idiot douchebags pulling "Obama is foreign" bullshit.)

Because You Haven't Heard Enough About Edwards...

Limbaugh, characterizing Elizabeth Edwards as a Chatty Cathy smarty-pants, stated "Edwards might be attracted to a woman whose mouth did something other than talk."

And if that's not enough for you, Andrew Wilkow has repeatedly said, in "defense" of Edwards, that for some reason Edwards didn't find Elizabeth's cancer sexy.

Fake edit: and in a quick trip to the hairdresser for Little Miss Shambles, Limbaugh picked up the 12K calories of Michael Phelps, a constantly training Olympic athlete, and feigned outrage that he was "taking more than his share," making an equation to what all the "liberals" say about America taking more than their share.

Clarification for Rush's IQ Handicap: Many Americans, because of apathy, have a "live fat and happy" mentality when it comes to pollution, garbage, carbon footprint, and the size of their vehicles that is quickly coming to a head because of gas prices. Michael Phelps is an athlete who physically needs those calories to do what he is doing, and make America proud while doing it.

Point of fake edit: after that, Limbaugh stated that "a couple of rice cakes" is all the "little" Chinese competitors need to be athletes.

All in a day's work for the soul-less far right.

Name & Date: Jessup 1979

Koolest, bad-assest space fighter jet evar.

Yet I'm unsure whether his jacket is a fighter pilot replica of some sort or just what was hawt in 1979. Or both. I was doin' so many drugs at the time... oh, I mean I was only 2 at the time.

Contraception = Abortion

If we don't start shouting very loudly, contraception could - on a national level - be redefined as abortion.

From MoveOn.org:

Can you imagine living in a place where birth control is considered an "abortion" and health insurers won't cover it? Where even rape victims are denied emergency contraception?

It seems unbelievable, but the Bush Administration is quietly trying to redefine "abortion" to include birth control. The Houston Chronicle says this could wipe out dozens of state laws that protect women's reproductive freedom and protect rape victims.1 Access to basic health care for millions of women would be jeopardized. And it's being pushed as a "rule change"—meaning, it doesn't need congressional approval.

Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt denies it.

In a world where some insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control pills, and one of the men running for leader of our country shies away from that discrepancy like blushing nun poking a dildo, I would not be surprised for a second.

What does it hurt to add your name to the NO list?

Chinese Girl a Fake

Everybody's flipping out about this Chinese girl fake singing at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. I thought it was pretty obvious.

Show Me Your Beaver: A Personal Story

When I was growing up, my folks took me and my three siblings to Niagara Falls, on the Canadian side, once or twice a year. It was only 4 hours or so away and a weekend vacation that we enjoyed every time.

Being young, we loved wandering through the different gift shops, touching and trying out all the souveniers, knick-knacks, and other jank tchotchkes. I remember one time, probably when I was about ten, we were walking up and down Clifton Hill trying to find a museum or something and we stepped into one of those souvenir shops.

As my parents were asking directions, my eyes scanned the walls, covered in colorful T-shirts and lit upon one in particular.

A caricature of a woman in a skirt, big grin on her face as the skirt was raised and a smiling, buck-toothed beaver emerged from between her legs. The caption read "If you're Canadian, then show me your beaver."

It was at that exact moment, in a small, chintzy souvenir shop on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, that I suddenly understood the slang term "beaver." Jerry Mathers never looked the same again.

Call for an Open Debate

Whoever your candidate, if you don't want to wear a drool bib to watch the debates before November, let's fight to make them open, stir the pot a bit. The other option is to rehash the previous 3 weeks of blah blah blah into one Blah two hour block.

Burger King Employee Bathing - At BK

And then this happened...about an hour away from my house. No more stops in Xenia on the way to Cleveland.




UPDATE: News Video was freezing, so I replaced with YouTube, even though they blurred out the face.

Focus on the Family: Pray to Rain Out Obama

This was on Focus on the Family's site. They pulled it. I found it.

No More Nipple Twists for Cincinnati Priests!

Are you fucking kidding me?

CINCINNATI (AP) — The Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children.

The newest version of the archdiocese's Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides.

But it says priests may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.

Victim advocates who have criticized the Roman Catholic archdiocese for its handling of abuse cases say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.

The Cincinnati archdiocese says it updates the rules every five years. The latest version, issued last week, also mandates background checks for contractors working with children.

Because that wrestling move, the tickle-kiss, is gaining somewhat of a stigma even though innocent priests keep getting tagged because of it. Perhaps the lap-sit-to-piggyback combo (is that like ass-to-mouth?) is causing concern.

NO - What the fuck!

Allow me to preclude the following comments with: 99% of Catholic priests are pious, honorable men.

But the bad apples? They enter the priesthood with or without the understanding that they like little boys, that they are pedophiles. They need to be weeded out.

And I don't know how you do that. Maybe. Hey, witch hunts worked during the Inquisition. Go big or go home!

Hannity Speaks on McCain's Despicable First Marriage

Today on Sean Hannity's radio show (don't look at me like that - I'm off the wagon - You doan knoow me!), he was confronted by an "angry liberal" who wanted to point out a couple things and actually let her speak about John McCain cheating on his first, crippled wife, and dropping her for Cindy.

Hannity actually laughed. He said he was letting her speak because "grasping at straws" about something that happened "30 years ago" was what angry liberals do. "I don't know all the details of his personal life," he said and then gave him a pass for being a POW.

If it came out about Obama that he had dumped his first, crippled wife for a tart 17 years his junior after cheating on #1, and reportedly has referred to his #2 affectionately as Cunt, sure as shit Sean Hannity would have every single report read and vetted and be talking about it every day and have fifteen interns on digging up more. No pass needed.

"I don't know all the details of his personal life."

What a bunch of hypocritical, sanctimonious fuckery.

World's Oldest Porn Star: Dave Cummings

I was reading a lovely piece at Mother Jones today and this cropped up:

68-year-old Dave Cummings, the "world's oldest porn star," says he only uses Viagra "when I'm working for a producer who's very demanding."

Hehehe...Cummings.

And what does the World's Oldest Porn Star look like (Oh, God I totally forgot to turn Safe Search back on...)?



...kinda like my grandpa. Ew. But, hey, you go, man!

Fun With Scams - Project Top Urgent

While our last project saw us made at the first email, I have learned from the experience, and right now feel like Annie Potts in Ghostbusters hitting that red buzzer and screaming "We got one!"

That's right, you sadist readers, you read it correctly: Top Urgent.

Today's solicitation comes from another HSBC person:

DR.CHRISTIAN AKWA,
HEAD OF TREASURY DEPARTMENT
HSBC BANK ACCRA GHANA

A short, unremarkable note came with this poorly 'Shopped "document" (click to see bigger)



And, for your pleasure:



So with the quick ending of our previous experiment, I took it easy and didn't lay it on too thick for round 1. Gotsta gettem used to me:

Hey Dr. Akwa,

Are you kidding? Is this a miracel? Oh, my wife, Debbie and I are having a rough time of it and our car just broke down and - are you kidding? Aw, I can't believe this!

So you're in a different country? IS Ghana in England? How does this work? I'm just wonderin to get more details to make sure you're not joshin me or tryin to pull one over on me.

I don't think we have any money over in England, but if you say so, and show me more that this is real, I think we can work this out. Just don't want to get burned. Ya know?

Talks to you soon Chris

Hoping heavily for updates to this one. Stay tuned.

Walmart Upscales Its Game?

I noticed this during the Olympics this weekend:



Walmart has apparently gone upscale. I skimmed the site: not one trace of that bouncing ball of incandescent gas, that miniature nuclear furnace, hacksaw in hand, ready to cut prices. A move from ass-clown to abstract, bargain bin to buy classy.

It's reinforced by this microsite, where you can watch an ad where a woman testifies to how Walmart helped her afford a laptop for her 11 year old kid (guessing - that's how old her kid looks).

First problem: 11 year old kids do not have or need fucking laptops. They break them.

Second problem: In places where 11 year old kids have or need fucking laptops, those kids live in $500,000 homes with parents who can afford those things with which to spoil their kids and if they drop it off the balcony into the grand foyer, Daddy will fart another $1000 and toss his kid the AmEx.

Third problem: Anyone living in that neighborhood would be anathema, driven out with torches and pitchforks, should their H3 ever be spotted in the parking lot of Walmart.


Bottom line: Walmart can put lipstick on the pig, but have you been inside a store lately? Stop in on some Friday night after a few drinks or bong rips, but be forewarned: hilarity and despair walk a very fine line in the house that Sam Walton built.

Don't get me wrong, it's great people watching, but damn. The employees look like they should be on suicide watch at death row, the shoppers exude sadness along with some rather indescribable odors - except for the manic ones, jumping up and down in the aisle because that bean bag chair's only eight bucks. Eight bucks! But, no, stop! You don't need a bean bag chair. You're shopping here because you can't buy milk for cigarettes. For the love of all things holy, put that bean bag chair down!

And then there's the millions of exploited Chinese children that are making all these lovely products, companies and jobs strongarmed into moving to China.

And then you have to go because, bummer, and the bar's still open and you can smoke a bowl on the way.

Obama Comes Back at McCain

Last we left McCain the Elder, he was saying Barack Obama was Moses.

Obama has struck back with some McCain/Bush lovefest action along with some video cut to look like McCain is pointing and laughing at YOU because you're a sucker if he wins.



I'm starting to get that "I can't wait until this is over" feeling.

Now, if he came back at McCain with a 5 iron (insert joke about balls here), that would be something.

Isaac Hayes - Chef - 1942-2008

The man, the Shaft man, the Chef man, is gone. He was 65. Our penises and women weep. Should the former continue, we will see a doctor.

Amen.

Logan the Glurge Wrestler

Perhaps I'm just a cynic, but...



...what a bunch of fucking glurge. I call shenanigans on this bullshit.

Take heed; it's coming to your inbox soon.

What's in a Name, John?

John McCain has dropped the idea of repeated pronouncements of Barack Obama's middle name to promote fear and ignorance, and did so almost as soon as it surfaced.

Why? He doesn't need to, of course. He's John McCain. Three syllables. No nonsense. As tight an concise as the shiny skin of his scalp.

What other reason could there be? Perhaps John McCain's full name is to be avoided?


John Sidney McCain III


Wha-what? Thurston Howell III with a middle name that might as well be Sissypants. Put that boy in knickers and a sailor cap.

Or this...

Three Flavors of McCain

Ohio, Cleveland Down the Tubes

Back in 2004, Cleveland was rated the poorest big city in the USA. It's not a big stretch. The Flats are a crime-ridden ghost town anymore and many an office building downtown is simply vacant, the owners unable to get businesses to HQ or even branch there. A friend of mine was violently mugged walking from his car to work, in the morning hours, in almost the center of downtown.

As a former resident of Greater Cleveland (Parma), it's hard to watch happen, especially since all of my and Mrs. Shambles family still call it home.

As a continuing resident of Ohio, it was even more of a bummer to see yesterday's report in Forbes:

Washington, D.C. -

The turmoil of the mortgage market granted a temporary reprieve from hearing about the woes of America's Rust Belt. That doesn't mean things are better. Despite a decade of national prosperity, the former manufacturing backbone of the U.S. is in rougher shape than ever, still searching for some way to replace its long-stilled smokestacks.

Where's it worst? Ohio, according to our analysis, which racked up four of the 10 cities on our list: Youngstown, Canton, Dayton and Cleveland. The runner-up is Michigan, with two cities--Detroit and Flint--making the ranking.

Yeah, just sad.

The McCain - Hoggle Connection

Over at Monkey Muck, Monkey posted a lovely image of McCain to compliment the story of McCain telling the good folks at Sturgis that he almost got his wife to enter a generally-topless beauty competition.

And the first thing I thought when I saw that "I ran out of Dulcolax" push on his face was this:



Yes, that is Hoggle from Labyrinth. But now, seeing the side-by-side, I'm wondering if it's not a good match for Fixodent Fresh Cindy as well.

Your thoughts?

Do You Know Salad Fingers?

Deliciously creepy, here's the first two. I believe 3 and 4 can be found on YouTube.

Salad Fingers 1



Salad Fingers 2

The Buffet Song

Because I think you might need this today. I did.

Bukowski: Are You Drinking?

washed-up, on shore, the old yellow notebook
out again
I write from the bed
as I did last
year.
will see the doctor,
Monday.
"yes, doctor, weak legs, vertigo, head-
aches and my back
hurts."
"are you drinking?" he will ask.
"are you getting your
exercise, your
vitamins?"
I think that I am just ill
with life, the same stale yet
fluctuating
factors.
even at the track
I watch the horses run by
and it seems
meaningless.
I leave early after buying tickets on the
remaining races.
"taking off?" asks the motel
clerk.
"yes, it's boring,"
I tell him.
"If you think it's boring
out there," he tells me, "you oughta be
back here."
so here I am
propped up against my pillows
again
just an old guy
just an old writer
with a yellow
notebook.
something is
walking across the
floor
toward
me.
oh, it's just
my cat
this
time.

Fun With Scams

Have you ever heard of baiting spammers?

I got this in the email today:

From:Mr.Ahmed Douglas
Private number / +226 783 479 20

Dear Friend,

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however, it's just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction. I am a banker by profession from Burkina Faso in west Africa and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and Accounting unit of the bank. I have the opportunity of transferring the leftover funds($8.7million) of one of my bank clients who died along with his entire family on 31 July 2000 in a plane crash. You can confirm the geniuses of the deceased death by clicking on this web site.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

Hence, I am inviting you for a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 60/30 while 10% will be mapped out for expenses. If you agree to my business proposal. further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your return mail. have a great day.

yours,
Mr.Ahmed Douglas.

I await for your urgent call trough my mobile telephone number/ +226 783 479 20

NB, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THIS TRANSACTION AS YOUR TOP SECRECT AND MAKE IT CONFIDENTIAL TILL WE RECEIVES THE FUND INTO THE ACCOUNT THAT YOU WILL PROVIDE TO THE BANK. DONT DISCLOSE IT TO ANY BODY "PLEASE", BECAUSE THE SECRECY OF THIS TRANSACTION IS AS WELL AS THE SUCCESS OF IT AS I AM STILL IN SERVICE.

...so I responded with:

OMG, My wife, Debbie, and I were just talking about how we need a ton of money! Debbie wants to go shoe shopping and has a small gambling habit (and a hairlip), so free money is awesome! We were just at the mall the other day and Debbie said she wanted more shoes and I said we don't have the money and she said she wanted shoes and we got into an argument and she's sleeping on the couch because I have a bad back and can't sleep on the couch. My spine's out of whack, I guess, but I don't have the money to get it checked out, let alone fixed and this is great because she'll be so excited and maybe I can get her back into our bed soon. And my back.

I am surprised! You succeeded!

I like business deals since I am a businessman and would like to conduct business deals in a business like manner. I like business. You have my top secret on the low-down assurance that we're on the same page and everything is all good. You had me at hello! LOL!

I can't call you because I don't know what that phone number means. We don't have long distance and that number looks REALLY LONG. LOL!

Talks to you soon.

Updates forthcoming.

UPDATE:

There is no update. As the tailing cops say as the bad guys hit the gas: We've been made. Either I was too outlandish, the scammer too edgy, or they didn't believe I had a wife named Debbie with a hairlip. Damn. We'll try again next time I get one and I'll post anew.

But not to leave you dry, while I do not engage these scammers every time, I do sometimes at least reply that I am not interested, as I did with this example:

The pain you cause shall be visited upon you ten fold and your penis will shrivel.

Fungus Causes Cancer

I'm one of those whackjobs that won't swallow the drug companies' spiel hook, line, and sinker. Along those lines, have a look-see at this video. Very interesting.

McCain Spears 2008

Hannity on Oil: Swallow or I'll Squirt in Your Eye

image stolen from How Stuff Works

I know I said I'd stop for a whole week, but I was in the car for over 2 hours - okay, I've got a problem! I learned it by watching you!

The last few months have seen Hannity piggybacking on Gingrich piggybacking on Big Oil to "Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less." The Beast of Repeated, Oily Backs, so to speak.

This is not a definitive report, so feel free to check my words. They are all true.

Our own government has said that the benefits of drilling might not be seen for a decade. In the last sentence, "benefit" means more oil available for barreling.

But, woah, step back. Let's look at the first factor.

Factor #1: The oil companies have speculation rights to millions of acres that they're already sitting on.

Sean Hannity-Gingrich claims that Americans would see a drop in prices at the pump if we simply lifted restrictions on many areas of unexplored land, literally handing over the deeds to oil companies to explore and drill. Current hot areas: ANWR and Off the Florida Coast. According to Sean, basic supply and demand is the king of all things economic. Would that he were right.

And the first caller I heard on the topic was actually given a couple seconds to bring this silliness to a head. He stated that opening the 15 or so different venues that Sean says would give us huge energy independence would not do so because of one word: refineries. New refineries haven't been built for something like 30 years.

Oh, no, says Hanniging, I support a full, expansive policy. Sure you do, but what was the right half of the house trying to do Friday? Pass comprehensive energy policy? Of course not, just trying to allow drilling.

Factor #2: Millions of gallons of brand spanking new oil will hurry up and wait to be turned into gas.

Why would oil companies make more gas? Here's a business economy lesson for you, Sean. If you control a commodity, such as oil, through the process of drilling so you own what's coming out of the ground to the process of refining it into gasoline and diesel and sell that end product, and you have the world market screaming, crying, and begging for your product, do you spend a nice chunk of your capital to build a refinery in order to turn your oil into gas, increase the supply of gasoline and, therefore, lower the price? Just for the good of the people?

No.

So let's take a fantasy trip down still-unidentified Hannity's brain process: More drilling means more oil means more gas means less money at the pump. Say the first two factors were not impeding factors and oil companies got more drilling rights, used them, brought up more oil, and turned it into gasoline.

In what fancy-shmancy fantasy world does a company with unmeetable demand suddenly introduce a mild influx of product and say "hey, we're producing slightly more, so let's lower the price"?

That's like Nintendo, sitting in corporate HQ, saying "Okay, there are still over 200 million people who want to get their hands on a Wii, and probably more when it becomes more available. This month we exceeded production, so even though everyone in the world is willing to pay $250 USD, let's just drop the price $50."

Which leads us to...

Factor #3: Millions of gallons of brand spanking new gas will hurry up and wait to be released to the public, or dripped at the same price.

Caller #2 showed up on the oil discussion and said his family was in the oil business. Sean immediately tried to nail him with "tell me some of the nomenclature related to drilling sideways." (What the fuck? Do you even know that, Sean?) The caller stated and defended a single statement: even with millions of gallons of more oil, even if it is turned into gas, if the companies selling gas have a complicit, complacent society sucking $4.00/gal through a straw, are they going to do anything to lower gas to $2.00 a gallon? Fuck no!

(Sean ended the call abruptly with "I don't believe you're in the oil industry" because, he said, the caller was parroting Democrat talking points. Democratic talking points are not that well-thought-out when it comes to oil.)

But that's what Sean Hannity says will happen.

I do understand the plight of the Democrats. They realize it's all bullshit right along with the Republicans. But if the Repubs push for drilling, and achieve it, honestly, it'll knock off maybe 10 cents a gallon for a while just on the speculation of the process. Hells yeah says America. And if they succeed in this, McCain looks heroic even if he wasn't even in the fucking Senate to vote on it and perhaps this even turns the damned election and all the while Ignorant America is rubbing their hands together, chanting like a cult "Two years, two years," and when two years doesn't happen, it pushes, but Ignorant America still hopes, rubbing their hands raw, and eventually realizes that none of it is happening and they've got an old curmudgeon of a President who lied to them and now they're paying $5 a gallon and now it's $7 because McCain invaded Iran and it's like Bush vol. 3: many just stick with the evil they know, 'cause they'll know better next time.

And then we all go homeless and defend our caves with pitchforks and hatchets.

The flaw lies here, Sean: Getting oil and turning it into gas is expensive but profitable, as we've seen by gas company profits.

In order to make gas cheaper, you are indirectly countering the three points of this post. Namely:

1. Oil companies must explore all available resources and use all future resources instead of sitting on them in order to produce more oil.
2. Oil companies must build more refineries, at their own expense, in order to make their own product cheaper.
3. Oil companies must incorporate this new gasoline into the market with proper supply and demand rules, reducing the price, for the benefit of the consumer purchasing cheaper gas is the end product.

Sean, since I've listened to you many-a-time rail against people who even utter the words "windfall profits," your very thought that more oil leads to less at the pump is socialist at core. Oil companies are profitable for a reason: supply and demand. They control that supply. They control speculation. They control production. They control gas. And the more they control, the more they profit. That's capitalism, poor folks be damned.

And Democrats have foresight: Oil companies are going to fuck us no matter what, unless we regulate, which is the current synonym for Devil. We need to focus - even if forced - on alternatives. Not necessarily the best approach, but we don't necessarily have the best populace.

They're already rubbing their hands raw with crude.

McCain's "New Attack Ad"

Headzup is bloody brilliant.

Ricky's Wisdom Today - 8/4/08

Mindfulness is never boring.


-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

McCain's The One Ad: Misdirected?

Asshat McCain has apparently gone the way of Mike Church. Here's the ad everyone's talking about.



But in an effort to make a caricature out of "Messianic" Obama, it's only the far right that will have a chuckle at it. And near the end, in an apparent pushing of the lampoon, they basically call Obama Moses by showing a clip of The Ten Commandments. And after portraying Barack Obama as savior and leader of all Israelites, they ask if he's ready to lead.

Well, you just showed him leading all the Israelites out of Egypt and parting the Red Sea. He can probably handle sitting at a desk, planning, and talking to people.

And while I'm certain that when McCain saw this ad he did his SNL Pat creepy "dontcha-thinkits-funny" chuckle, this is yet another testament (hehe) to the fact that Republicans do not understand "funny," satire, or any facet of comedy. And that, "my friends," is hilarious.

Glenn Beck: Shirtless

No, don't worry; Glenn Beck does not reveal his nipples to anyone but his wife and apparently even covers them with pasties when shaving shirtless in the mirror.

The Offending Image

I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but was in the car and I got sucked in. On the Friday, 8/1 radio show of Glenn Beck, Glenn had his panties in a bunch over this picture:



He was aghast. What sense of propriety was this?

And then, predictably, he compared it to this picture:



And said this was all staged, just like Putin's image, and that a dance/techno song someone composed proclaiming "Putin is our man" was "just like" the Ludacris song about Obama. Note to Glenn: Ludacris does not do techno.

The Question

"Who was the last president...?" he trailed off, "How far back would you have to go?" of course, implying that Obama is some sort of radical, pseudo-euro nude beach freak because he took a dip.

Okay, Glenn, how far back would we have to go?

The Presidents

Admittedly, we have no Bush (43 or 41), but we do have another recent candidate for president actually exercising:



Oh, for shame. No Republicans would ever have a picture of them without a shirt on, though.



Okay, that's not fair. John McCain was in a POW camp and didn't have the luxury of choosing whether or not he had a shirt on just then.

But since we're on candidates and Glenn let the rant dip into respectability, I cannot in good conscience allow this to skip the post:



Giuliani in drag. Classy. Granted, I've done drag. Twice. Lose a couple of pounds and I might just do it again.

But I'm not running for president.

But maybe Glenn is right, maybe there are no presidents that...wait. No.



Clinton action, Bill of Nipples and Hillary One-Piece, their arms scandalously around each other and - wha-what? - dancing? Oh, the humanity!

But maybe Glenn's point is that there are no Republican presidents that...wait. No. Awwww snap!

Ladies and Gentlemen: the case in point, pièce de résistance, every Republican's cream pie wet dream on a pedestal: Ronald Reagan!



And I do believe I see a nipple. Ronald's too.

But we can't stop there - I know you all want more presidential nipples. How far down the rabbit hole does the depravity go?



Gerald Ford? With the press? In a pool? This is Washingtonian Nipplature at its finest. And they're drinking, dear Lord.

Who wants some Richard Nixon?



Hair dickey alert! A Repub topless (granted only VP at the time the pic was taken). Let's pull a Glenn Beck and around the same circa de soleil we've got none other than...



Chairman Mao. That, of course, means Nixon was a communist.

Couple more to go, folks!

We've got a delicious young JFK in the military



and reaching back as far as we can, we've got a true scandal:



The first two folks on the left looking all chummy would be Earl Miller, the private security detail for Eleanor Roosevelt, shirtless, leaning up against none other than the president's wife. Needless to say there were at the time back room whispers about those two, you know, fucking.

And just because his wife's out trolloping about at the beach doesn't mean FDR can't get in on the fun too!



Granted, he appears to be wearing the Sears & Roebuck No-You-Can't-See-My-Nipples-That-Would-Be-Improper Tank, soon thereafter tagged the wifebeater after he found out what Eleanor was doing to Earl. They did not, however, rename Eleanor's shoes nutcrunchers. And you thought he got polio.


So after that joyous romp through men's nipples and bastardized history, we have only one thing to say to Glenn Beck: WTF? Please get a lackey to do some fucking research before you start ranting about shit that is so obviously wrong.



NOTE: If you can find any of the missing presidents - I could've sworn I've seen a more recent JFK one - flashing off their man-teats, send a link and I'll post it and credit you! Yay!

UPDATE: Freida, you drove me to it.


Daddy Dick

(photoshop from Princess Sparkle Pony's Photo Blog)

Mobile Blog - Corn Rows

Here in Dublin, OH, they have corn rows. Rows of cobs of corn. Cement cobs. 7 feet tall.

Apparently a controversial art installation. Very cool.

Have to research this later.

The Weekend &The Dresden Dolls - "Night Reconnaissance"

Stalled today because Google tagged this blog as a spam blog. Buggers. Just cleared up, and I'm about on my way out to the Dublin, Ohio Irish Festival for the weekend. Tell you all about the sanctioning of Cause For Concern when I get back.

We've also got me listening to Glenn Beck and how he hates on Obama (I know, I swore it off, but it was an hour in the car and radio sucks in Cincinnati), and that comes with shirtless presidents. Yum.

And Wal-Mart is mobilizing managers nationwide to put out the word that an Obama victory means bad things for Wal-Mart in a single word: Unionize! God forbid they pay a living wage or - gasp! - benefits.

All coming next week!

Here's some Dresden Dolls to get you through the weekend. Perhaps a little mobile blogging? I'll surprise you.

McCain's "Character"

Even while not listening to talk radio, I get Media Matters newsletters and some right-wing trash in my inbox. And while the right wing continues to pummel Obama on imagined hyperbole, they all flaunt the Character of McCain with a capital C.

Let's remember the Keating Five for a minute, a Savings and Loan scandal that cost millions in tax and investment dollars:

Keating's relationship with McCain came under particularly intense press scrutiny. McCain and Keating had become personal friends following their initial contacts in 1981. Between 1982 and 1987, McCain had received $112,000 in lawful political contributions from Keating and his associates. In addition, McCain's wife Cindy McCain and her father Jim Hensley had invested $359,100 in a Keating shopping center in April 1986, a year before McCain met with the regulators. McCain, his family, and their baby-sitter had made nine trips at Keating's expense, sometimes aboard Keating's jet. Three of the trips were made during vacations to Keating's opulent Bahamas retreat at Cat Cay. McCain did not pay Keating (in the amount of $13,433) for some of the trips until years after they were taken, when he learned that Keating was in trouble over Lincoln.

And while we're at it, how about a mention of John's first wife. A car accident "left her 4 inches shorter and on crutches, and she had gained a good deal of weight." Extra-marital affairs ensued. Then, while still married, he met Cindy:

McCain described their first meeting, "She was lovely, intelligent and charming, 17 years my junior but poised and confident. I monopolized her attention the entire time, taking care to prevent anyone else from intruding on our conversation. When it came time to leave the party, I persuaded her to join me for drinks at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel. By the evening's end, I was in love."

While still married to Carol, McCain began an adulterous relationship with Cindy. He married Cindy in May 1980 -- just a month after dumping Carol and securing a divorce. The newlyweds honeymooned in Hawaii.

This is all apparently okay with a Republican base and colleagues who went batshit crazy over a blowjob.

GlaxoSmithKline Killing Poor Argentinian Babies

From Trading Markets:

Buenos Aires, Jul 10, 2008 (EFE via COMTEX)

At least 12 babies who were part of a clinical study to test the effectiveness of a vaccine against pneumonia have died over the past year in Argentina, the local press reported Thursday.

The study was sponsored by global drug giant GlaxoSmithKline and uses children from poor families, who are "pressured and forced into signing consent forms," the Argentine Federation of Health Professionals, or Fesprosa, said.

"This occurs without any type of state control" and "does not comply with minimum ethical requirements," Fesprosa said.

The vaccine trial is still ongoing despite the denunciations, and those in charge of the study were cited by the Critica newspaper as saying that the procedures are being carried out in a lawful manner.

12 mothers, 12 fathers, pressured into what amounts to a slow execution of their child.

Is this okay on any level?

Mobile Blog - Malling It

Today I took 12 year old Ms. Shambles to the mall with her friend to get a gift for their other friend.

Yes, both tragic and painful.

However, Door-to-mall-to-door; 50 minutes, half of it driving.

Yes, I am that good.

Talk Radio Hiatus

I'm a little tired of listening to Alex Bennett and Lynn Samuels on the left whack at Obama like a piñata. I'm tired of Wilkow's constant naming of Barack as a Marxist, Mike Church's dude spittle shitting The Messiah, Rush's drug-confused logic, Hannity's Stop Obama Express, and Levin shouting like chipmunk on crack. I'm not even going into O'Reilly or Gibson. Or Savage.

There are problems with Obama's candidacy, but if not him, then McCain, and holy shit that cannot happen.

So since no one is going to talk about anything except how much they don't like Obama (or in a few cases like him), my Sirius lovin' on talk radio is going to take a pause from Left and Fox and Patriot which generally makes up 90% of my listening day.

So what am I listening to instead? Right now, it's energie2, a French pop station (I'm also fond of Rock Velours and Bandeapart). Other favorites are CBC Radio 3, Iceberg, and Left of Center (indie), Chill, Area 38, and Boombox (electronic/dance).

So I'm sorry, but no talk radio means no talk radio rants for about a week. But I think we can both use a break.

McCain's Oil Lobbyists

Hope: It Could Happen to You

Winner "Funniest" for Obama in 30 Seconds contest and potential first political ad seen on MTV for this election cycle. The other option is John McCain lying about a bunch of shit.

Which brings in the real question: can McCain even play for the MTV crowd? Does the man who yells at the kid to get off his lawn get the kid's vote?

Girls + Boys = Babies! Or Something About Math

In a recent study, it was revealed that girls and boys are equally good at math.

Great.

Next they'll be wearing pants and running for president.


Woah, put down the scimitars! Joking!

Seriously, as a former teacher and father with a 12-year-old daughter, I am well aware of the social structures in place that cause girls to dumb themselves down, to not raise their hand, to giggle "Um..." when they know the answer. In 1994 Teen Talk Barbie's words: "Math is hard!"

This is great news from both a social and psychological perspective, a good example that dominance is not just the domain juiced muscles or misplaced male aggression.

But it may yet require pants.

Stop! It's bleeding!

Kucinich Gets His Day

You will not hear a five-second audio clip about this on any major news network, and the Democratic party is too busy tucking its figurative penis between its legs.

Kucinich gets reelected every time because he goes to bat for his constituents and if you live in his district, you know he is working for you, not just on your dime like much of congress. And perhaps if the rest of congress pulled its head out of its ass and rocked the boat a bit, did what they were elected to do, they'd have an approval rating a little higher than abysmal.

Thank you Dennis, and thank you Real News Network.

Putz's Creamy Whip

Would you eat Putz's Creamy Whip?



I would. Actually, I will. I ran across this photo serendipitously, almost laughed beer out my nose, and then did it again when I found Putz's lives 20 minutes from my house! (map - to Put'z, not my house, silly). They're on the web, and are so popular locally that the street they're on was renamed Putz Place.

How did this gem escape me? Nevermind. Thank you internets.

I will report back. You know, just like when I eventually go to the Creation Museum, also 20 minutes from my house.

UPDATE:

Conversation with a friend of mine, the day after the post:

RICKY: So how do I get to your house again?
FRIEND: I'll give you the address, just Google it.
RICKY: (Googling) Oh, okay, yeah -
FRIEND: It's just -
RICKY: Shit. West Fork. Holy crap. Have you ever been to Putz's?
FRIEND: Yeah, used to babysit for their kids.
RICKY: [brain pops]

WTF, dude?

China's Safe! Yay!

How do you make sure everyone feels safe at the Olympics? If you're China, while people are still grumbling about the pollution, you shout: Hay, we just stopped the terr'ists! Yay!

Shanghai police have broken up an international terrorist group that had planned to attack an Olympic football preliminary match in the city, state news agency Xinhua said on Thursday.

Right. Best quote: "We have staged raids...."

I bet you have.

Do It Live McCain Remix

Ah, Crooks and Liars.

Ah, Break.

Ah, internets.


http://view.break.com/542113 - Watch more free videos

Send Rove to Jail

Go to Send Karl Rove to Jail, and sign a petition that's already over 100,000 strong.

Ben Stein: Continuing a Legacy of WTF

I remember almost two years ago when I thought Ben Stein was a pretty hep cat, and then one day I realized he was an idiot tool for the right wing.

He's still out shucking eye drops - and ignorance.

Media Matters brought the following to my attention:

On the July 23 edition of CNN Headline News' Glenn Beck, guest Ben Stein, while discussing Sen. Barack Obama's plan to deliver his speech accepting the Democratic presidential nomination at Denver's Invesco Field, stated that he did not "like the idea of Senator Obama giving his acceptance speech in front of 75,000 wildly cheering people" because "[t]hat is not the way we do things in political parties in the United States of America." Stein continued: "Seventy-five-thousand people at an outdoor sports palace, well, that's something the Fuehrer would have done. And I think whoever is advising Senator Obama to do this is bringing up all kinds of very unfortunate images from the past."

Sour fucking grapes.

No, Ben, it's not "the way we do things" in US politics because people look at politics with shades of ennui and disdain: they think it's boring and bullshit and 24-hour C-SPAN and in the back rooms they plot and plan and figure out how to rape and pillage America. The fact that any person in American politics could get 75,000 people not only excited enough to talk about going to see him, but to actually mobilize and fill a goddamned stadium is amazing in a world with a six second attention span.

My history professor in college said that you can tell a lot about a civilization by the largest areas of congregation that it constructs. Ancient Rome had the Coliseum; The Dark Ages brought wonder to the masses with churches and cathedrals; Today, it's NASCAR. Seriously.

And a man who stakes his career on his supposed intelligence is comparing Barack Obama to Hitler - forget the discussion, forget Godwin's Law, right out the fucking gate: well, he's Hitler.

But while the reference was obviously to Hitler, I can't quite wrap my head around Ben's word choice: the Fuehrer. I understand he probably understood he was making a dick move and wanted to soften the blow, but "Fuehrer" is German for "leader," noun capitalization and all.

So in an obvious move to demonize Barack Obama (oddly, by referencing a man who would have killed Barack Obama based solely on his skin color), Mr. Stein inadvertently called Barack Obama a leader and - a man of Jewish heritage himself - referred to the monster that annihilated millions of of that Jewish heritage by Hitler's honorary name, der Fuehrer.

Ben Stein: today - and every day - Cause For Concern's Pet WTF Tool.

Weighted Companion Cube

I spend a good deal of my "free time" playing video games, but my enjoyment for series like Final Fantasy lead me to being a little behind (I own but have not finished FFXII, God of War II, Kingdom Hearts for PS2). And then I went and bought an Xbox 360. I got the Orange Box (game). I played Portal.



Stage 17 - Never Forget.

[sigh]

UPDATE:
look at me still talking
when there's science to do...

UPDATE II:
Not to be too dense, the words above are lyrics displayed from the original musical recording played while the lyrics and credits run after you complete the game. The following video is a recording of the finishing song. Creepy and hilarious.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!

This game was one of my top 5 ever, a black comedy that I have yet to conclude (after finishing, I still have achievements and advanced levels to beat).

And please, should anyone read the words "black comedy" and feel the urge to play the game and write a script, either quell that urge with beautiful booze or put a bullet in your head.

McCain's Geography

For those of you unaware of some of the nuance of the geography of the Middle East,



...Iraq and Pakistan do not, in fact, actually touch.

Limbaugh: Rich Fat Fuck Strikes Again

Rush Limbaugh, against whom I regularly rail, is at it again. Or was. Last Tuesday, I caught this little diatribe:

Senator Bob Casey from Pennsylvania, who I charitably will say is an order of fries short of a Happy Meal, is sitting there reading a letter from a constituent to Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, and anybody else watching on television in the room, and he summed it up here in one sentence. The letter was from Tammy May, not Fannie Mae, not Freddie Mac, Tammy May, a single mother of two living in Pennsylvania. This is what he read of her letter to him: "We have to reprioritize. House comes first, then day care, then gasoline, then food." This constituent of Bob Casey's put food last on her list of new priorities. Bob Casey reads this, and obviously what he's trying to do here is milk what's going on out there as a national disaster.

What does he fail to mention? She has a job. This is not an unemployed woman. This is a woman who has a job, but she can't figure out how to live her life on her own so she needs Senator Casey and the Democrats to figure it out for her. Well, she's figured it out, but she wants them to make her do it, which is even sadder, when you get right down to it. When you prioritize things, just think about this. If you were going to write Senator Bob Casey a letter and tell him that we need to reprioritize things in life, where would you put food?

Rush continued to laugh at a woman who's obviously not only poor but too stupid to know what order things come in.

But Rush Limbaugh, sweating about his gold-thread codpiece, is a bit blind to the way the world works. So here it is for you, Rush, you ignorant slut:

1. House - If you don't have a house, you don't have shelter, or an address. Without an address it is relatively difficult to get a job of any sort, which you so graciously point out as though it were a big deal that Tammy May is not unemployed.
2. Day care - Unlike the nanny that you have keeping an eye on the 11 year old male prostitute from the Dominican Republic, real people need to find real solutions to avoid negligence of children. If Tammy May wants to hold a 9-5 job, she needs to pay someone, probably a good piece of her income, to watch her children while she works.
3. Gas - Although it doesn't affect you, dick, gas is a very real issue for real people. If Tammy May can't afford or continue to afford to purchase gas, she cannot drive her kids to day care, cannot drive to her job, and will lose one, perhaps eventually both because she cannot afford...
4. Food - 1, 2, and 3 are necessities to keeping a roof over her head and a job. Without those things, food is moot.

Rush, you foul your mouth and get worked up about the welfare state and here we have a prime example of a woman, busting her ass, playing by the rules, stretched and writing a letter to her representative to say "hey, just so you're aware, it's fucking tough out here." And Rush laughs, because he's ignorant and he's an asshole. If there was one single example of the character he lacks, this is it.