Two Video Thursday!

No, this won't be a regular feature. Or it might be. I'm just wont to say it will because some days I get busy and some lazy and some days I want to curl up in the fetal position under my blankets with the fan on high (I know, weird, huh?) and wait until the sun goes away again.

There's something epic and beautiful about the tragedy that is the rise and fall. Maybe it was Shakespeare. Maybe it was Goodfellas. Maybe I should see a shrink before I decide to go over one ledge or another (figurative ledge, of course).

Now you're saying: Ricky, you walking vag purse, could we see some videos?

So, hey, how about those videos!

This is sheep. And LEDs. And dogs. I think it's cool, but shouldn't the sheep be sleeping at night and not running around fields with light nets strapped to their backs? I know if someone tried to strap lights to my back at night with the intent of making me run around in a field I'd be all "Dude, I'm playing Mass Effect." Or I'd be sleeping and when they woke me I'd punch them and then go play some Mass Effect because I'm up anyway.




And then there's this bit of interest. I didn't vet it, but it appears mostly correct in its numbers. Maybe I just think its suspect because it came from my father and - while not 100% shitty - most of the stuff that comes from certain people I know needs to be pushed through Snopes. Wait. This didn't come from my father at all. It came from Dr. Mercola. Oh, wait. He's on the list too.

Interesting? Yes. Astonishing? Not unless you live in a cave. And if you've been living in a cave for a while, you probably think everything that has to do with modern technology is astonishing. So then this might be. But if you did live in a cave, shower, then watch this. You stink.

Adopt an Actor: Michael Rappaport

I've seen it around and, really, am late to the party by like 2 years, but I have decided to Adopt an Actor per I, Splotchy (who I guess began the project).

And as soon as I decided, the choice was obvious: Michael Rappaport.



I first fell in love with Michael Rappaport's work in what has become, over the years, what I refer to as "My favorite movie:" True Romance (1993). Patricia Arquette was, of course, hot. Christian Slater was fab. But who made the movie? The character roles like Brad Pitt, Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Bronson Pinchot, and the most delicious Gary Oldman. Hell, even James Gandolfini and Samuel L. Jackson hit with that.

Michael's work has gone through respectable character roles through the years appearing as voice talent on blockbuster video games and recurring roles on Friends, Boston Public, My Name is Earl, and now Prison Break. Michael's appeared in films such as Higher Learning, The Scout, Basketball Diaries, Cop Land, and Hitch. I jokingly used to call him "the hardest working actor in Hollywood."

At first, when seeing the Adopt an Actor program, I honestly thought it was a "has-been" joke. Now I realize that it's much more about unsung heroes. When I see Michael Rappaport on screen or hear his voice, it's something familiar, something close to home. And I appreciate that.

Thank you Michael Rappaport. May your films and roles ever grow. Visage on the right.

Enough About AIG. Seriously.

Seriously. Shut the fuck up. I know you're pissed. I'm pissed too. But maybe we're not pissed about the same thing.

See, I'm a very liberal person when it comes to politics. I am also a business owner who works very hard for the money I earn in today's economy. America, and even Obama today, is expressing outrage over AIG's couple hundred million in bonuses. And it's the most absurd symbol of all the skullfuckery going on in our economy to date.

I'm not pissed about AIG's bonuses. Sure, perhaps they shouldn't have them since American taxpayers own 80% of the friggin' company, but Chris Dodd (D) is the one who put language in the stimulus bill that says any contract in play before Feb. 11th is to be honored. That's our guy behind the source of the outrage.

And the saddest thing is that everyone's pissed about AIG's couple hundred million dollars. Let me say it again: shut the fuck up about AIG. Last year we dumped $700 billion into banks and whatever-the-shit with no checks, no balances, and no accountability under the auspices of The Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. And we don't know where much of that money is right now.

So what happened in this stimulus bill? Did we learn from what George W. Bush did with the war bill? Did we learn from what happened last year? Did the Democrats with a commanding lead in congress grab the reins and inject rules and provisions and accountability into this bill?

NO! Congress - our Democratically-led Congress - pulled the same shit they did last year. Obama pulled the same "gotta happen now or DOOM!" bullshit Bush pulled with the Iraq War legislation, pushing a bill through that was physically impossible to read in the allotted time before voting. We've tossed another $700 billion into the air and Congress is only NOW saying "hey, we should've put something in there about what if it's windy...."

This isn't a problem with our President; he's as hopeful and optimistic as anyone can be in an economic time like this. This isn't an issue with accountability or learning our lessons; if Congress wrote the bill again and America wasn't dealing with misplaced aggression, they'd do the same shit again. This is a problem with Congress.

You want Change with Obama, we start with the Legislative branch. House? 2 terms. Senate? 1 term. Then get the hell out. Without the worry for extended re-election, we won't have to deal with as much bullshit and lying. Without the potential for a full-on career in DC, you'll only get people who want to do the job.

Will it have problems? Sure. But last month our government took a shit-ton of our money for a second time in 6 months, stuck a pole up our asses and didn't even have the courtesy to give a reach-around.

Shouldn't we do something other than shake our fist at a company that has a fart-in-the-wind role in the process?

Did they muck up the financial waters? Yep. But when everyone was getting fat and happy, no one was shaking fingers. Did they take a ton of taxpayer money? Yep. But no one tied any strings. Are they handing out bonuses with that money? Yep, because a Democrat said they could.

If you're going to be angry, at least be angry at the right thing.

Six Minutes of Ass-Kicking Awesome

I like to think that, in a bind, my viewing of videos like the one embedded below, would allow me to take control of the situation. Truth is, I haven't been in a fistfight since I was ten or so and in that one, I got my ass handed to me. Kind of. One kid bruised up his hands by repeatedly punching me in my forehead (hardest part of your skull) while the other one held me in a full nelson. I cried, both while being pummeled and then that night when I told my parents about it. You see, I was with my friend (no help) with whom I was traveling at the time. We were going with his parents to see the new Bond film, The Living Daylights. The kid who beat on me was my next-door neighbor, and I'm guessing he's in jail now. Or dead. He was sent to juvie six months after the beating because he fired his dad's gun in his backyard. We were home to hear it and watch the cops take him away.

Sorry that turned into a sad trip down Lame Ave. You know what would cheer you up? 6 minutes of ass-kicking awesome.

The Lost Generation

AARP commercial (do not let that dissuade you). And because I love language, it's awesome. And inspiring.

The Rush Billboard Vote

Democrats (i.e., the Democratic Party) is taking the fight to the streets. Or at least viewable from the streets.

On this page you can vote for one of five phrases for a billboard put up by the Democratic party that look like the one above.

* "Americans didn't vote for a Rush to failure"

* "Hope and change cannot be Rush'd"

* "Failure is not an option for America's future"

* "We can fix America, just don't Rush it"

* "Rush: Say yes to America"

However, do not vote for the last one.

Why, Ricky? Why not?

I guess Obama lured all the good linguists to the White House.

Yes, the last one, "Rush: Say yes to America" can translate into "Hey douchebag, please say 'yes' to America." However, it can also translate into "By choosing Rush you are saying 'yes' to America."

(and for total inclusion, it can also be translated into "Rush is a fucking awesome band and if you don't recognize that then you hate America, you terrorist.")

So if you would like to keep the spirit of what the Democrats are trying to do, avoid the duality and avoid the last one. But vote!

Taking Pause - a Reality Rant

Oh, stop it. For a day. And it's not even a pause because I'm actually posting. Really. You're reading it right now.

I'm making some French Onion Soup and sniffling from that and still have a couple calls to make for business purposes and nothing really caught my eye or ear and dragged me to the computer and smacked me in the back of my head and shouted "Blog about it!" Which is what happens most days.

Wait a second, have to stir the onions. Yummy. Starting to caramelize.

Okay, so I was talking about how I didn't really have any impetus today, no driving political or religious purpose to tell you how Obama is totally sweet or Limbaugh sucks or the Pope's a douchebag. Honestly, I'm still reveling in yesterday's post on Rush Limbaugh and laughing my ass off every time I see that photoshop. **small pat on the back**

Okay, okay, let's take a look at Drudge.

Bullshit, bullshit, Rush is lovely, Obama's not, ugly cats, Russia wants to kill us, China wants to kill us, Palestinians are terrorists and they want to kill us, and no one - still - gives a shit about Michael Jackson. Nothing new.

So the point of all of this was not to have a point at all. I haven't done a free-form, stream-of consciousness thing for a long time. Ever? I don't know, but it's liberating, in an odd way. I don't necessarily have to write about anything yet the act of writing about not writing about anything is, in fact, writing about something.

So, go hit that Rush article. Just don't choke on your poi when you see the pic.

The Limbaugh Mind Meld Hula on Obama Fail

There's been much hullabaloo surrounding Rush Limbaugh and his calling out the Fail Whale (Wail) on Obama. Pundits say he did, he says he was misquoted, blah blah, insert sanctimonious bullshit.

The regular conservatives openly want Obama to fail. Remember all that bullshit they spewed during the election that Democrats want the troops to fail so their argument wins? Add some truth to the angle, and you've got what Republicans need right now: Obama fails means they win. But because most of them are smacking with one hand and begging for stimulus handout with the other, it's kind of a two-faced mess.

Rush, on the other hand, is not beholden to stimulus money, so he has concocted a much more devious rhetoric. Coming from Rush Limbaugh's mouth on today's radio show, he does not want Obama to fail; he wants Obama's plans to fail.

Let's follow the lack of logic, shall we? Limbaugh's entire argument is built upon the pretense that Obama's plans (stimulus, etc.) are not designed to help America. Entertaining any other thought on this premise or reflecting on what success means and how it affects "helping America" is cut off as "a trap" in his language.

This is the setup. A setup to what, you ask? To the two possibilities that drape Rush with success like purple-print muʻumuʻu.

Possibility One: In 6 months, perhaps a year, if our economy is in the shitter worse than it is now, Rush laments. Obama's plans were not good for America and Obama's success was America's downfall. My dear, faithful listeners, I fear I was right.

Possibility Two: In 6 months, perhaps a year, if our economy is in much better shape than it is now, Rush laments. Obama's plans were not good for America. And by a combination of Obama failing and the perserverence of the private sector, America has prospered. My dear, faithful listeners, I'm glad I was right.

Of course, this is the worst form of flawed logic. He's telling all his listeners that he's playing chess. He knows enough to know he's not playing chess, but he also knows his listeners don't know how to play chess. And anyone calling bullshit on his stunt will suffer an ad hominem attack parallel to the sandbox bully shouting "dummy" at you. Only this bully has many, many parrots.

So, to be clear: Rush is setting himself up for a path to success despite what the outcome of reality is. And anyone who attacks his custom-made Puff-a-Lump Beanie Baby Easy Chair is nailed by him as trying to trap or trick him.

Congratulations, Rush. Well-played. Now, if we could get the media off the semantics of misquotes and into the nuance of your bullshittery, we might be on to something here. Unfortunately, a lot of folks on our side don't know how to play chess either.

Drudge Uncertain of Reality

Had this poking around for a couple days. Shot of Drudge's site:



Question for Drudge:

Where the fuck have you been for the last 8 years?

Cops N (Weed) Brownies

I have watched this repeatedly. Laughed every time. A cop confiscated some weed, was obviously ignorant about how to use and the effects of marijuana, and freaked the fuck out. And called 911.

This isn't new, but damn it's good.

Joking About Octomom

Octomom is a disease of humanity and media.

Listening to Stephanie Miller tonight, I heard a lovely joke:

Did you know IHOP is doing a new Octomom omlette?

It's 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you paid for it.

How do you punish someone who doesn't do anything illegal, but something morally and socially wrong? In our society, you give her an international platform so everyone can talk about how you punish someone who doesn't do anything illegal, but something morally and socially wrong. And everyone watches.

And nothing happens, though I cannot come up with an answer as to what should. Besides, perhaps, sending all her kids to foster care.

Masters of the Universe, answer our prayers.

Bobby Jindal Epic Fail - And Racism by Proxy

This bit of David Brooks on Bobby Jindal's epic fail (h/t Wonkette):



And during a brief jaunt today I had the unfortunate chance to digest a bit of Rush Limbaugh. He said that Biden probably wondered who sat in for Bobby Jindal's shift at the 7-11.

This is racism by proxy. By saying someone was probably thinking something racist - especially when it is your political party that is known for exacerbating race issues - no one is fooled. You had that thought, Rush. And because it wasn't appropriate for you to have, you put it in the feigned imagination of a democrat.

Another laughably ironic piece of the story. I recently heard Rush lamenting pop culture, that everything in pop culture is looked at as liberal, that it's a foregone conclusion. Of course, someone who was even remotely in the loop on "what's hip" probably wouldn't be making an Indian/convenience store reference with an expiration date a decade old.

Everyone knows a call center or Slumdog Millionaire extra reference is much more apropos.

There are exceptions, but conservatives do not do funny and they do not do hip and they do not do technology. And Rush is case in point.

Parenting Adventures - Who's the Adult?

Let's just get this over with. Little Shambles is no longer little and turns 13 in a month, so she will be henceforth referred to as the Irish Dancer as that is the closest thing to a passion she currently has developing in her life. We shall never speak of this again.

So Sunday morning found us at The Original Pancake House in Montgomery where they have enormous, delicious omelets like you've never seen or experienced before unless you've been to The Original Pancake House. It was a good meal with the family and after we paid I walked out into the foyer and, in attempt to embarrass the Irish Dancer - a fine pastime of mine - stated in an impaired voice "Yeah, I like Spongebob too!"

The Irish Dancer looked at me with overtired tween disdain, huffed, and said "What does that have to do with anything. We were talking about dicks."

Of course, what she actually said, having been mid-conversation with Mrs. Shambles about softball, was "We were talking about Dick's [Sporting Goods]."

But I laughed. Hard. I laughed all the way to the car and I laughed all the way home and chuckled out loud several times for the rest of the day. She had said it with such conviction and fervor.

So last Sunday, the Irish Dancer learned that men will laugh at jokes like they are twelve years old, pretty much until we die.

Politics in Absolutisms - I Say: Shit Sandwich

8 Years of Bush Special. At least you get a pickle.

I don't often blog about comments, but as I get few comments and have dropped to 6 followers, I thought I'd hit this one that someone from the Silent Majority recently left lauding the day when liberals would be "a footnote in history."

First off, I've never liked that phrase because it's often misused and inapplicable, such as in this case. Dems and Repubs share pretty much equally in the history of America and neither will ever have a day as a footnote.

And as much as I'm a self-proclaimed vehement, godless liberal, even I know that all politics are cyclical. You would have to be 5 and live in a cave not to have at least an inkling of that:

One party will make a bunch of promises, eventually the public will say "yeah, that's what we need now," and then that party will gain power and favor. But because they're politicians they will become corrupted by power, fail to do what the majority had in mind, and the other party will ramp up their rhetoric of a bunch of promises. The middle will migrate in the opposite direction - not because of loyalty, but disappointment - and say "yeah, that's what we need now...." Rinse and repeat.

As much as I voted for and appreciate Obama right now, it's only been a frickin' month. I think there is a lot of potential but I'm not on board with the folks the Right jokingly refers to as Obamessiah worshipers.

What makes me laugh about the Right in the last couple weeks...okay there's a lot that makes me laugh. But let's just talk about one thing.

For the last eight years, America has been glutting on a double-stacker shit sandwich, served on a plate of war, extra side of scandal, hold the Constitutional rights. No comment on that from wingnuts. But less than a month - hell, as soon as the election was over, the Right nutters start shouting "hey, this don't smell right!"

Note to the Right: eating shit for 8 years may alter perceptions to the point that anything that is not shit "smells funny." Take a break from your feces panini and grab a glass of water. "This" is much better than "that."

Papal Support of Censorship

No, I'm not going to start calling this blog The Pope Follies. I've got a political itch coming back and will be talking about it very soon.

So that goon Benedict and his bullshittery:

"The Assembly of Catholic Ordinaries of the Holy Land has publicly expressed the disdain and protest of Christians over a television programme transmitted in recent days by the Israeli private television station 'Channel 10', in which the Lord Jesus and the Blessed Virgin Mary were ridiculed with blasphemous words and images."

So what was the issue? It turns out that Channel 10 in Israel had a late night show that did a spoof on religion.

In the show, Mary is said to have become pregnant at 15, thanks to a schoolmate.

It said Jesus could never have walked on water because "he was so fat he was ashamed to leave the house, let alone go to the Sea of Galilee with a bathing suit".

Boo fucking hoo. So someone on a show known for comedy makes a joke about religion. A bunch of sanctimonious Christians whine which is backed up by the sanctimonious Catholic papa and gets a sanctimonious apology from the Prime Minister of Israel.

Which just goes to show: you can make up a bunch of shit and put it in a book and cook it in dogma and blind belief for 2000 years to the point that when someone makes a joke about that book the world takes notice and the leader of a sovereign nation makes a public apology.

See, the late-night show just needs a book and a couple millenia and everyone will be okay with it. Until someone makes a "Jesus was so skinny..." joke.

GOP: The Blacks and the Midgets

Out of the mouth of RNC Chairman Michael S. Steele from Washington Times:

”There was underlying concerns we had become too regionalized and the party needed to reach beyond our comfort” zones, he said, citing defeats in such states as Virginia and North Carolina. “We need messengers to really capture that region - young, Hispanic, black, a cross section ... We want to convey that the modern-day GOP looks like the conservative party that stands on principles. But we want to apply them to urban-surburban hip-hop settings.”

But, he elaborated with a laugh, “we need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.”

How many times does it have to happen in order for it to become a generalized archetype? A high-ranking member of the GOP finally, reluctantly laments the lack of inclusiveness in the 99% old white guy gang and before you can even think the phrase "Well, maybe he's...," in the same breath he makes any attempt at taking such comments seriously nothing but laughable.

"Hey, how'm I supposed to know whatcha call them Munchkin people?"

What an asshat.

This is what has been wrong with the GOP, is wrong with the GOP, and will be the base reason behind them losing even more seats in 2010.

Stupid Sick & T Shirt Hell Returns After Not Going Anywhere

Missed the last couple days on updating anything on the blog here, originally because of working on my real job, but the last couple days have seen projectile vomiting of everything including just water paired with ejecta from the other end. It was lovely.

Well, I'm back, and managing my time more efficiently at that.

Speaking of back, T-Shirt Hell was going out of business a couple weeks ago and now they're not. Actually, they never were. Yeah, I'm a sucker just like everyone else. Just a quality stunt to introduce new folks and get the old fans off their asses to open their wallets.

Yay! Plenty of time for you to get me that Pimp shirt...

It's Your Home! A Moment With the Pope and God

Another bit on the Vatican because...damn.

From the Vatican Information Service:

BENEDICT XVI ASKS GOD TO WATCH OVER THE VATICAN

The man who supposedly has a direct connection with God and owns the lineage of His corporeal time on Earth, and he feels the need to issue a press release in which he asks God to watch over the only country or international entity that can be called "God's Home?"

Doesn't God already live there? What did Benedict do? Walk up to His room and ask him to keep an eye on the place?

BENE: Hey, God, you got a minute?
GOD: Always for you, Ratzie.
BENE: I wish you wouldn't -
GOD: I know. You know I know. Why complain?
BENE: Could you at least put down that book when I'm talking?
GOD: Sorry omnipresence isn't enough for you.
BENE: I never said -
GOD: You did in your heart.
BENE:...
GOD: You were bugging me for a reason? This Asimov had his shit together. Seriously.
BENE: Yes. I was wondering if you could keep an eye on the place.
GOD: And omnipresence - seriously?
BENE: Over Vatican City?
GOD: Who's the next Pope going to be?
BENE: Well, I think there are several good - Wait, don't you -
GOD: Gotcha!
BENE: If you'd just -
GOD: Are you still here? I've got a book and a bottle of bourbon to finish.
BENE: You drink too much.
GOD: You don't know me! You can't know me!
BENE: God, sorry, I -
GOD: Yeah, I'll watch. You want me to do anything if anything happens? Put a giant force field over the joint? Wag my cock at the bombs? Or just watch. Cause I'm already doing that.
BENE: Bombs? Sorry. Watching will be fine I guess.
GOD: Good. Go get me my slippers.
BENE: Yes. Douche.
GOD: I heard that. Before you said it.
BENE: I'm sure you did.
GOD: Dick.

The Vatican Cracks Me Up

Oh, that crazy Pope.

The Vatican Information Service summary for February 7-9 came yesterday and the following headlines elicited such snark that it was my duty to comment upon them.

ABSENCE OF GOD IS MANKIND'S MOST PROFOUND SICKNESS

I would argue that one of humanity's utmost illnesses is over-reliance on the structure of organized religion, the heeding of the barker at the tent of worship for our two pence. You can still have a relationship with God from outside the tent. If God couldn't see you outside, He wouldn't be God. If he doesn't want to listen to you if you don't pay the toll, He's a Dick.


APPEAL FOR PEACE IN MADAGASCAR



Hell yeah, peace! That zebra always be bustin' shit up and don't even get me started on them penguins.

Don't even.


PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN POPE AND GERMAN CHANCELLOR

POPE: Seriously?
CHAN: Really. It happened. We have proof.
POPE: Damn. For reals? I always thought the Holocaust was an old wives' tale.
CHAN: Nope. Pretty serious shit.
POPE: So that bishop thing -
CHAN: Way wrong move.
POPE: Cause, ya know, I'z -
CHAN: You'z was not just playin'.
POPE: ...no. I'z wasn't.
...
POPE: So we cool, though, right?
...
Click.

Not Cheap Window Plastics: 3M Post (Color) Corrected

This weekend I noted that during Obama's now-famous call to cap the salary of corporate big-wigs, it looked like the window behind him had been poorly-sealed with 3M plastic. You know, the kind that stops drafts from freezing you out in the winter if you have crappy windows.

Turns out it was not cheap plastics over the windows. It was expensive window plastics.

My post got play on C&R Blog Roundup and one of the comment-folk brought the light (sorry -- lamp):

Murphy Tinsley said...

What you are looking at is a sheet of neutral density with color correction put on the window by the MSNBC television crew. This material allowed them to balance the light level of the exterior with the level inside the office. There is also color correction to balace outside daylight with the lights they were using inside (unless they were HMI's.)

A credible and completely valid response.

I thank all my readers for visiting and my comment-folk especially for setting me straight. Even I am not without ignorance.

Even if the 3M explanation was more fun.

Beer Bottle Dominoes

Yes. Beer Bottle Dominoes.

3M: the White House Energy Plan

Obama recently made a now-famous call to put a ceiling on corporate earnings when those corporations accept gov't money.

But what you may have missed is the 3M plastic-over-windows in the background.



Okay, it's not very obvious in stills. Check out the video:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

So do we laud Obama's team for plasticating the windows in the White House, or do we rail them for not doing it well enough that it doesn't waver and show up in the shot?

You tell me.

Kid on Drugs (After the Dentist)

(via BoingBoing)



Is this gonna be forever?

New York and a Dragon!

I was reading this article about how shady New York Republican politics have been shitting on a man's sense of accomplishment and duty, when I ran into this paragraph:

A member of the Passamaquoddy Tribe in Maine, he said he is being discriminated against because of his national origin and retaliated against for having sued the state.

Did you just see what I just saw?

That's right: Passamaquoddy


Yes, I did own this record/book as a child.

Pete's Dragon represent!

The Magic Woodworkings of a Stimulus Plan

The stimulus plan has all the creeps coming out of the woodwork, most of them tossing everything - including the kitchen sink - at the Obama administration cause day wont day monies!

Las Vegas, which by some accounts already glitters, wants $2 million for neon signs.

Boynton Beach, Fla., is looking for $4.5 million for an "eco park" featuring butterfly gardens and gopher tortoises.

And Chula Vista, Calif., would like $500,000 to create a place for dogs to run off the leash.

These are among 18,750 projects listed in "Ready to Go," the U.S. Conference of Mayors' wish list for funding from the stimulus bill moving through Congress. The group asked cities and towns to suggest "shovel ready" projects for the report, which it gave to Congress and the Obama administration.

Let's just call bullshit on all that fuckery. Now and forever.

You want to dance around the money game? You want to propose projects the Federal Government should fund? Fine: line item how much it should cost and how many jobs it will create. If you get that money and do not create those jobs, you are accountable for creating those jobs within 2 months. If you do not create those jobs, you lose 50% of funding to the state until you do.

Accountability. How are we going to get anything done if it's just a bunch of liars and cheats?

Answer: we won't.

Sarah PAC - Here We Go. Again.

Sarah Palin has started her own PAC with the stated purpose of "building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation."

The actual purpose, of course, is part of the "Pack it in like Kobayashi" strategy so that in three years she can shit out an Alaska-sized hunk of political capitol all over America. Or that's one of the guesses. When asked what a PAC does, Palin only replied "Ms. Pac-Man is sooooo fun!"



Seriously, though, what's up with the logo? Alaska in the middle of the US?

The imagery represents:

• Blowing an Alaska-sized hole in the breadbasket of America "'cause carbs just don't sit well on my hips."
• "Alaska's big and America is big so that means I'm qualified to be President."
• "When I'm President, this is the area we'll fence off for all America's enemies."
• "Swimming pool!"
• "I can see North Dakota from my house."

But those are just a couple thoughts. What are yours?

Kinda Like Tripping

Stare at this for the minute or so it runs, then look at stuff and you might get a 5% feeling of what it's like to trip for 20 seconds or so.

Don't watch if you have any issues with seizures!

Barack Obama - Fuck Yeah

Unexpectedly ran into this wonderousness earlier today.



Fuck yeah.

(via DothBrands via Inauguration)

How Voter Fraud Can Follow You

Two days ago, on my Twitter account, I commented on the fact that Ken Blackwell, walking example of both voter fraud and questionable interests in DieBold from the notorious 2004 election (He pushed the no-paper-trail electronic machines in Ohio, then was found to have investments in them) had created a Twitter account.

I said:

That fraud, that traitor of a human being, Ken Blackwell, has a Twitter. http://twitter.com/kenblackwell

WTF to my surprise, yesterday, I was greeted with this:



At the very least, that guy's got his social online thing going on, even if his financial interests at the time cost Democrats the 2004 election.

But he's still a horrible person. And fuck if I'll follow his antics.

February 3rd - Blogroll Amnesty Day

Link love, get down, do it right.



Thanks BlueGal!

Pork Chop Sandwiches - G.I. Joe

Hit this at the end of a tedious task and - damn, this is funny, even if it's a bit aged. But I guess because it's retro...sorry. Just watch the 'toon.



Tidbit: I found it again because I want to make pork chop sandwiches for dinner. Srsly.

T-Shirt Hell Shutting Down

I've been a fan of T-Shirt Hell for many years now and am sad to see they are closing their doors.

We're sorry to bring the news that T-Shirt Hell will be closing its doors on Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009. Everything is now on sale during our final days.

For a message from the creator of TSH, Sunshine Megatron, go here. To view our final new shirts, plus 14 shirts we are bringing back as a thank you to everyone (including some of the best of our old Worse Than Hell section), go here.

It's been a deliciously wicked ride. Devilspeed to all who supported us.

(Customer service on all orders will continue for 60 days beyond our close date.)

Visit. Purchase. Weep.

And, hey, my birthday's coming up. My fav?



(and the obligatory social marketing one as well)

XL on black ;)

T-Shirt Hell, you will be missed. Never forget. :'(

RatherGood.com - The Cure - LOLCats

OMFG

Haggard Going Down (Again)

The enchantment of dick-suckin' lips

It was almost two years ago that I batted around the Ted Haggard dirty homo meth story. Please note that Ted Haggard has opened himself up to the ridicule I ladle upon him because he is a hypocritical monster of a human being. When you're an evangelical megachurch pastor and shit grin your way to stardom by a doctrine of clean livin' and how homosexuals are going to hell and then trade drugs for gay sex and when you are caught try to shrug off culpability by saying you have a drug problem and hiding in rehab, you deserve a shitstorm of pain.

Well, it appears that our pastor cum persona non grata has another skeleton hiding in the closet with him. Looks like Haggard buggered a 20-year old male volunteer to the church. Say it ain't so, Ted.

Oh, he does. Kinda.

There was a little sumpin-sumpin going on, it came out at a low level or he knew it would come out, he met with his wife and the man to apologize for an in appropriate relationship and then the church paid the guy for moving expenses, counseling fees, and his college tuition. And Teddy bear says there was no physical contact.

Exactly. Because he was so fucking forthcoming last time. Clinton never inhaled and Haggard never swallowed. That's why there's egg on his face. Well, maybe it's not egg...

The only conclusion that can be drawn from these events, encounters, and bald-faced lies is that Ted Haggard doesn't truly, deep within his heart, believe one goddamned bit of the drivel he's been preaching for years. For if he did, he would act in such a way as one does when they have a conviction that one day they will have to answer to the God of the friggin universe for their transgressions.

Or maybe he's at peace with an eternity of hell for a little cock. Or a lot of cock - he's still young and there's a lot more tail (between the legs) to be had.

Why I Removed My Tongue Piercing

2001 - 2009

The other night, I just took it out.

Around eight years I held that stud in my mouth, originally put there by my wife. It was time.

I guess the main reason I removed my tongue piercing was that after all that time, it's inevitable - even if you're careful - that you're going to chip a tooth or two. I was working on my third. The reason I held onto it for so long is a different story.

As soon as I was eighteen I drove downtown to have my left nipple pierced. I may have almost passed out, but I was hooked. Soon after was my first tattoo. After I met my wife, she pierced my tongue, then my right nipple. Before we were married we each sat for almost 8 hours to get the same piece: I on my right upper arm and her on her back. I'm still aching for another tat.

About four years ago, I removed the nipple rings. My nipples were sensitive before and piercings added a level of sensitivity that was actually beyond comfortable or pleasurable. Turns out, after the removal, they're at the exact level of sensitivity I was hoping for with the piercings.

But the tongue.

The tongue I held onto. I mentioned in a recent post that I'm soon to turn 32, and I think my holding onto my tongue piercing was a holding onto something edgy, something youthful, not that I think having one's tongue pierced makes one edgy or young.

Some of the logic I was mulling through said that cunnilingus was why I was holding on to that archive of my life. Why do I have my tongue pierced? Wink wink.

I realized the other night, in one single moment, that the flash, the edge was not in my piercing, it was in me, my charm, my personality. My talent was not in the stud, but in the tantalizing undulations of my tongue. "So you can make me come that doesn't make you Jesus." No, but at maybe St. Peter. Would you like to see my St. Peter?

Basically, it was a question of Samson in reverse. Samson believed - didn't God tell him? - all his power was derived from the length of his hair. And when his hair was cut off, his power was gone.

I realized my power was not in my "hair" but in me.

Then again, I've been trimming my "hair" for many years. Makes the power look bigger, they say.

So goodbye tongue piercing. I will miss you only in the funny way my mouth feels in your absence. You may have helped flick the bean, but the muscle was all mine. And that talent remains.

OMG! Earthquakes in California?

Next month I'll be 32. As I would guess my hard-issue mind for scientific inquiry got rolling about the time I was 7, I've been listening to this shite for some 25 years now.

Large earthquakes have rumbled along a southern section of the San Andreas fault more frequently than previously believed, suggesting that Southern California could be overdue for a strong temblor on the notorious fault line, a new study has found.

Exactly. WTF? Since I was a kid I've seen them; every couple of years, someone comes out with another report saying "Ooh, those California tremors are likely signs of a Long Overdue Event." No shit. The San Andreas Fault is supposed to explode like a golf ball hit with an axe and blow LA into the Pacific. (Yes, I know that's not how plate tectonics works)

I guess it comes down to the idea of worry. Predictions are fine and a wonderful tool, but when it becomes a prediction and a "warning" over and over again it loses all scientific value and turns into panic generation.

CHANGE: Sorry. Ever start writing and have a vague idea of where you're going and then, suddenly, it goes away and you're left with a waning buzz in the back of your skull and a pile of words that has no future? Yeah, that just happened to me. Might have something to do with the trance-inducing "How to Disappear Completely" by Radiohead pouring from the stereo speakers.

Science Tattoos, Without Research

If you are planning on getting a tattoo, at the first inkling, you must be thinking about your artist. Who is going to put permanent ink into your skin? You should probably not run out to the first tattoo shop you find.

Maybe I'm biased because when Mrs. Shambles and I were planning our matching pieces, we dug in deep and found Marty Holcomb working out of Columbus, a brilliant artist who was only taking ink jobs by appointment (yes, I'll add a pic of the finished piece within 2 days - promise).

But when I caught this bit on Discover's website, my first thoughts were "Oh, no, you didn't."



Take the time. Check out Discover's Science Tattoo Emporium. And please, please realize that just because you have a brilliant idea doesn't mean the artist knows what you want or can execute it well.

The bigger the piece, the more research you need to do, the more portfolios you need to view, and know that there is never a better time to say "um, no" than when you see the mock-up of what they are planning. Walk away. Better a pissed-off artist than thousands to remove something you look at a week later and think "WTF?"

Which comes back to the demonstrated art bit. Never let any tattoo artist tell you "everyone I've ever inked has been happy." Of course they're happy, initially. They just let you put permanent ink into their skin. If they admitted to themselves that they were not happy, they would have to admit that they had made a grave mistake, and in the ever-looming interest of self-preservation, I would guess that 99.999% of people who get tattoos, no matter how horrendous, initially claim happiness with the work.

Boil it down, now: Research. If you're a scientist, research more. Find the name of an artist, an actual person. View many, many portfolios. Get a good representation of what will be on your skin. Then - and only then - commit.

Rinse and repeat times the speed of light.

Pickle Pringles

I was going to rant about a crappy experience I had today, but found in my searches that it had already had been done for me.

Check out this post on the Pringles Extreme Screamin’ Dill Pickle.

If you like pickles, if you like Pringles, it just plain sucks. Done. No more than that. I feel so betrayed. I need to take a shower.

UPDATE: No, after a shower, the tennis ball tube in my pantry still haunts me. $2? WTF? I don't even think the pigeons would eat it. I don't even think I have pigeons!

Ah, painful pickle spice, three Pringles down, what to do with the leftover pain?

Darth Vader's Tray

Animation of Eddie Izzard's routine.



Brilliant!

Non-Believers Are Americans Too

Americans who do not fit nicely into an accepted, organized religion box like "Hindu" or "Christian" have found it difficult to legitimize themselves in the eyes of those who live in those boxes. Atheism itself is looked upon as a defect or disease.

Yesterday we saw a change:

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus--and non-believers.

In once sentence, non-believers all over America got the kind of boost, a legitimate form of recognition from a world leader, that we were not expecting.

Granted, this fuel will feed the right wing "godless liberal" machine for a long time to come. I think it is a step in the right direction.

Brent's Inauguration Photo

My friend Brent who does not have a blog or a Twitter or a website woke his ass up super early and made it to the Capitol side of the Washington Monument. One more reference and he'll get his own blogger label.

This is the image he sent me.



The reason they're staring away from the Capitol Building is that you can't see anything from that far away and the closest Jumbotron was in that direction. He said, as you'd expect, that it was amazing.

Yes, I am jealous much.

Inauguration - Bestest So Far

Eh, we're at about 4:40 EST right now and I've been witness to over six hours of awesome, some by audio, some by television. And there's still more to go throughout the evening, balls and what-not. Olbermann at 8 should be good.

But I wanted to break in because plopping this down on a Tweet is just not enough.

History, pshaw! The best part of today was when the Bush chopper, Executive One, was circling over the National Mall, and Chris Matthews, the Constant Constitutional Tool, decided to pine poetic and went with "besides seeing so many teeth of happy people smiling today" and continued to speak of the minority makeup of the crowd, voicing amazement that no one seemed pissed or short-tempered that it was cold and everything was taking so long.

Yes, Chris, it's all teeth and eyes and watermelon in a sea of black like that, sippin' on some Courvoisier. And those people would, of course, treat world-history caliber news and being there for that event like they would a long line at an un-air-conditioned BMV. WTF?

Best Matthews gaffe evar.

A Wish and a Hope for Obama

Mall Madness

I look at those images, the Mall in D.C., not one patch of green visible in any direction, the smiling, excited faces, cheering and chanting, and my eyes well up. Partially because I'm excited too, and partially because I see these masses as I might see my own daughter, smitten with a new love.

And I just want to put my hand on his shoulder and say "You've already got our hearts. Please don't break them."

Can't wait for his speech. Because that Nazi Youth Pastor was a little over the top. Ooh, Aretha Franklin!

Dreams of War: A Nuke in Tehran

We were in Iran, in a green valley surrounded by mountains. It was daytime, but overcast. Hundreds of people, spread out, for miles the valley was before us. Everyone was cheering as planes flew overhead, back and forth. In the distance, you could hear gunfire, bombs being dropped.

I was running through the grass, recognizing some of the people, people from high school, and every person I recognized loved war, lauded the first Gulf War, some had even gone on to the military. And they were all cheering. And hugging. And smacking each other on the back as the planes buzzed us in the valley.

And I was cheering too. I was excited, jumping, running, hugging. And as I smacked the back of one of my other jovial celebrants, I asked "so who's delivering the nuke?"

"US Army," he replied.

Then, suddenly an overhead view of a map and a missile falling straight for Tehran.

My alarm clock woke me at 4:10am with that entire scene to run over and over again in my head. I don't believe I've ever had a dream that could be called a premonition, but when they're as vivid and memorable as that one was, it rattles you.

I knew politically we would never drop a nuke on Tehran. But Israel would. And our involvement with Israel is so tight, who's to say we wouldn't deliver it and allow Israel to take credit?

Sorry. Overthinking. Hell of a thing to wake up to on inauguration day, huh?

Dear God - XTC

I just heard Sara McLachlan cover of XTC's "Dear God" and thought you might like a taste of the original. I haven't heard it in a few years and it still gives me chills as shuddering as when I first heard it.

No Pants Subway Ride 2009

Improv Everywhere is brilliant. Always.



Now if we could just get something like this together in Cincinnati.

Bruce Wilson - First Homophobe, then...Hitler?

I stayed out of the conversation when it first began about Bruce Wilson - and his ideas about turning gay people straight - being the voice of the opening prayer before the Presidential Inauguration. I vehemently disagree with the man on both a scientific and ideological basis on that topic, but ban him from the inauguration? Jesus himself reached out to misguided fools, why not Obama (hold the bus, Gus: I'm not saying Obama is Jesus or even holy)?

[I'm pretty curious where the outrage is over there being a prayer at all. What does God and Jesus have to do with the political process of swearing in a President? Why does the swearing in happen on a Bible? Tradition? Slavery was a tradition but Barack won't be shackled. Why not swear on your own heart?]

But now, in my opinion, Bruce Wilson has pushed the line of what I would consider questionable, misguided belief and turned it all the way around to negligible, hateful ignorance. He says that if American Christians could be as dedicated to God as the Hitler Youth were dedicated to Hitler that - wait, what? Really? Holy shit.

But don't take my word for it. Huff's got the video:



This is were we bring out the Bo Peep crook and pull that bastard off the stage. Now.

The Weather Outside, It's Frightful

It is pretty dang cold here in Cincinnati. My Weather Channel widget says 12 F, and wind chill is about -3 F.

Note to all news media:

I understand that things are a little dry news-wise until Obama's start next week, with about 1000 dead in Gaza and us still sending Americans to die in Iraq and Afghanistan, but please keep in mind that during Winter months it gets fucking cold. Surprise! It's mid January and it's fucking freezing. Shit! Just like last year and the year before that and, well, as far back as I can remember. Why? It's winter! And it won't go away until March - or May if you live in Cleveland.

So take the icicle out of your puckered asshole, take a breath, and stop making everyone so batshit crazy over something that's normal.

And don't even get me started on the OMG-it's-cold anti global warming asshats. Yeah, Drudge, I'm talkin' to you.

Flavors of Nigeria, Direct Response Email

Once, a while back, I tried to have some public fun with spam scams. Unfortunately, it was a fail as I was apparently too boisterously excited about getting more information and did not get a response back. The mouse did not keep moving so I could whack it again.

Since I don't have the time or energy to craft a response letter that is invigorated by the prospect of free money yet not too over-the-top, I've been going with a different tack.

Today I got this email:

Sir,

I am Dr. Garrett Kenneth, a member of independent committee of eminent person {icep} and I wish to notify you that You can be listed as Heir to the total sum of (Twelve million six hundred thousaund United states dollars) in the codicil and last testament of the deceased. I contacted you because you bear the surname identity and therefore can present you as the Heir to the inheritance funds.

I therefore reckoned that you could receive these funds as you are qualified by your name identity. All the legal papers will be processed in your acceptance. In your acceptance of this deal, we request that you kindly forward to me your letter of acceptance; your current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable me file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money.

Please indicate your interest immediately for us to proceed. I shall feed you with full details of this transaction and my particulars upon receipt of your reply towards this proposal.


I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Garrett Kenneth.

What a douche. "independent committee of eminent person {icep}"? Seriously? It shows me "Dr. Garrett Kenneth (kenneth@telefonica.net)" for the email, but reply-to is set at "drkennethgarrett@rediffmail.com" (feel free to spam the bastard), and rediffmail.com is an India email website.

Anyway, my past replies to these emails (Yes, I reply to every one) have been very simple and focused and along the lines of "May the pain you inflict be visited upon you tenfold." If nothing else, I'm looking at curse psychology and the quite suffering of someone with a conscience.

Today I was feeling a little randy and replied with:

I hope you are gang-raped by a pack of wild, syphilitic hyenas and slowly eaten alive when they are done.

And I think I've already put together my next one:

As Jesus once said: Go fuck yourself until you bleed to death.

Thoughts?

Sorry for the Gap

I've been working non-stop on my business over the last few days, redesigning the site, extending myself on social networks, and extending those social networks the way the need to be extended.

Which is why I've been a bit absent.

Not that that's a good excuse for you, my fair reader, but perhaps a reasonable explanation.

And for that, your patience, you get my man purse, also known as a "murse:"



Yeah, you love it.

Okay, maybe not that great. How about my fav?



Now that's love.

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage

I was hoping so badly that this was real. Even the website is well done - by that I mean appropriate - for what it's supposed to be.

Alas, the site is hosted by Big Dog Eat Child, a sketch comedy troupe.

Keep it real Jones. Keep it real.

Night Owls Are More Creative

From Wired:

2 // Night owls are more creative.
Artists, writers, and coders typically fire on all cylinders by crashing near dawn and awakening at the crack of noon. In one study, "evening people" almost universally slam-dunked a standardized creativity test. Their early-bird brethren struggled for passing scores.

Things suddenly make much more sense, like when I learned that there is a distinctive difference between people who organize sequentially (think file cabinet) and spatially (think pile on my desk). I'm not sloppy, just spatial; I'm not lazy, I just have an innately different balance to my circadian rhythms due to my creative nature.

Vince from ShamWoW for Slap Chop - Yes!

Vince from ShamWoW is back, but this time he's selling us a Slap Chop that comes with a free Graty. After the video I go into a brief analysis of this commercial as though critiquing a director or artist. If the idea of that makes you kinda want to vomit, even if it's tongue-and-cheek, I would advise avoidance.



Overall, I like it. But I don't think it delivers like the first one did. ShamWoW had a raw, gritty edge, like Hammas tossed Vince into a bright studio, took of his blindfold, turned on the camera and said "Sell!" It was real. Slap Chop is a little too overproduced. The overdub on ShamWoW "this lasts 10 years" was endearing because of how obvious it was, but Slap Chop's got overdubs tossed in to try to be cute. I'd call this a textbook sophomore effort but with a touch of lost charm the way I lost my love of Dashboard Confessional when he got signed.

But I did say I liked it. It was still Vince, still his charm, even if the scripting is apparent this time around. He references himself with a slight mug to the camera how he "can't do this all day," but the best line by far is "You're gonna love my nuts." Just kind of catches you off guard.

Sophomoric, but enjoyable if you're a fan. Looking forward to more of his work.

Oh, and I almost forgot. I'm going to have to get one of those Slap Chops myself. I had the original tool from Pampered Chef, but put the plastic piece on the bottom of the dishwasher and now it works kind of retarded. Go Slap Chop!

Allergies, "Medicine," and Bullshit

Reminds me of how my sister describes clearing a dog's anal sacks.

When I was seven or eight years old, I recall my aunt and uncle got a cat. Romeo. It was a cutie, orange, and relatively personable. It was at that time (was I really never exposed to cats before that?) when I realized I was pretty allergic to cats. Sure, the visit would start out great and I'd have good times playing with my cousins, but then, an hour and a half into it, an intense itching would begin between my chin and my Adam's apple, an itch I still get and equate with "Awww shit. Here it comes." By hour three or four, we were about ready to go, the sneezing was uncontrollable, and my eyes were itching and puffy. I took the red Sudafed, a pill I still occasionally take, and spent the 40 minute ride home zoned out, head back, sinuses draining down my throat.

Fast forward to high school where my parents finally fold and we get a dog. Bailey, an adorable beagle/collie mix. I recall the trip home from the animal shelter I spent with my head back, sinuses draining down my throat. Soon after, we got two cats, Nala and Kala. I guess it was a little rough at first, but as anyone with allergies to animals who has animals can tell you, your body gets relatively used to your own.

College afforded me my first two kitties, Dorian and Godot (English nerd!), that I still have. I guess I was allergic to them too, but I spent a lot of time in college drunk, and when you stifle your immune system, you stifle your body's response to allergens.


Godot is the puffball.

With Mrs. Shambles, we have acquired Gracie, a brindle lab/boxer/pit that is part lap dog, part goat, and part gazelle.

A short time after I met Mrs. Shambles, she convinced me to set up an appointment with an allergist. Like the eye doctor saying "Okay, now read that line without squinting," Mrs. Shambles explained to me that I constantly sniffle. And it was true. So I set off to the allergist and came home with a test result that seemed to have a lot of answers: 39 out of 41 positive results, severely allergic to dogs, very allergic to cats.

So we started with the meds, which really just displaced an almost unconscious and chronic usage of Sudafed or Benadryl. At first it was Flonase and Allegra. Allegra didn't do shit for me, so we went to Zyrtec, then discovered Alavert. Floated on that for a couple years until I started waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. Nocturnal asthma or some crap like that is what they called it, so about a year and a half ago I had gotten to Flonase at lunch, Loratadine (gen. Alavert) at dinner, Singulair late evening, and a Proventil inhaler when necessary.

Yesterday, my allergist said she didn't like that my breathing was not optimal in winter. So you see all that shit I just listed? We're adding Symbacort twice daily on top of all that to see how it works if in 2 weeks we knock off Singulair.

In the last 24 hours I've taken 5 different medications related to breathing and allergies. And I think it's bullshit. Part of the bullshit is that NOT ONE of those medications - as is the case with the basis of the pharmaceutical industry - is fixing the problem. They are all there to manage different aspects of a lovely cocktail of symptoms. And I've been given two other options: Allergy shots which, after several thousand dollars, may do little more than douse my symptoms a bit, or living in a bubble-like environment and getting rid of my pets and vacuuming daily and pulling my fucking hair out when The Weather Channel puts the pollen count to yellow. I know those people. I'm not those people.

We can map the human genome, program goats to make spider silk, and reinvent Britney Spears' career, but we can't address the underlying mechanism of allergies? We're still in the "schools of thought" phase with this? The most ferocious part of my being is my immune system? WTF?!?

So until the science community decides to poop sock it and level up their understanding of how this basic mechanism works, I have decided to dig into the mind-body end of things. I am a big proponent of the power of the human mind and the control, if refined and practiced, that it has over the body. I can get rid of heartburn by placing a finger on my neck where my clavicles meet; I can clear a stuffy nose in 3 minutes of concentration. Why not allergies?

I'm also attacking the psychological end. Perhaps these issues are - at least partially - psychologically based. Mental blockages, lack of flow, eddies of stagnancy that need a good cleaning. I've found a great book to help me on my way. I'll let you know how it is and how I do on my journey. Because "medicine" is not curing me, 4-5 maintenance meds is no way to live, and while remaining inebriated may have its good points, it's not really productive for my business, marriage, or liver.

Maybe marijuana would work for allergies. There are some reports about its effectiveness on skin allergies. Time may come for an unofficial study...

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!

Yes, it is awesome.

And Behind the DCup We have...

I do enjoy the folks I follow, the folks in my Linktastica! and everyone in this community. Every once in a while there is a ripple in the pool in the yard of the blogosphere, and today (or this past Sunday), DCup, best known to me over at PoliTits, closed up all her shops and consolidated her undergarments and has dropped the pseudonym and can now be found over at That's Why just being herself.

Congrats, Lisa. I like your new space and am happy to see you even more comfortable than before. Linktastica! updated. Just for you.

Holy Batshit Coulter!

I have to give Harry Smith credit for his playful masochism in bringing Ann Coulter to the show, and immediately take it away from him for allowing this batshit crazy loon to pimp her whiny victim book.

Best line "You should have a cross." Watch it.


Watch CBS Videos Online

...and boo to me for posting it and spreading the virus. But it is funny.

Ricky's Wisdom Today - 1/6/2009

"I, without grasping, will pass beyond sorrow,
And I will attain nirvana," one says.
Whoever grasps like this
Has great grasping.

-Nagarjuna; Mulamadhyamaka-Karika

It's Been a Couple Days...

So it's been a couple days since I've been around. Part of it is the back and forth with the holidays and part of it is genuine apathy. I've been up and down about the layoff, fluctuating between not wanting to get off the couch and a "go get 'em" attitude (today's a little more "go"), and I've been getting all my ducks in a row for a massive contact push today because while the economy is stinking it seems everyone I would like to speak with had the last two weeks off.

Aside from growing the client list, it is good to have the house back. Empty, I mean. Love the family dearly, but the work day is sometimes the only time I get to myself. Which should really change this year.

No, this is not the time to go into resolutions for 2009. Some goals, some desires, maybe tomorrow.

The blog itself is not going to change much except to say that I'll have at least one post up daily - I know; I've been skipping more and more lately. I'm still sensing a minor remainder of political hangover, an apathy in its own right, and will be booting back up politically in the coming days, especially with the inauguration already being pushed to our lips like television's dripping teat.

Watched several movies over the holidays, so I've got some reviews coming up, some fantastic restaurants who deserve a write-up over on that business blog I -occasionally- write, more sex content, and the normal decrying of douchebaggery all 'round.

Happy New Year.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go get 'em.

Joke of the Day - Catholic Heart Attack

Sometimes unwanted emails from acquaintences aren't sanctimonious, pseudo-patriotic tripe.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Guitar Hero Xmas

This Christmas was, as it always is, an endeavor. Two xmas eves, two xmas days, xmas on Saturday. Joy.

But I did receive, from my parents, Guitar Hero World Tour with a dual guitar setup: 2 Les Paul wireless guitars for my 360.

Tasty. Love it.

Questionable news is that because I'm functionally tied to the computer trying to build my business, Little Shambles has seriously become a rock star. She's unlocked like 20 songs on career mode on medium.

And I still can't hit 100% on easy on any song I've tried.

I guess I'll get good next week when I still don't have enough work to keep rolling and need some distraction other than worrying about the mortgage.

For those of you who haven't heard: I'm running a professional web development and web marketing company. And I'm awesome. Contact me. Reasonable pricing includes search engine friendly design. Best practices.

Yay xmas!

Miller's Gospel

1:1
And the Angels heralded me. And they herded me. And one named Camael came forward from the masses and ushered me through the door of the Kingdom, held the door open and slammed it shut behind me.

1:2
I looked back, then forward. The hall was dark and dank and smelled of frankincense, like Catholic church as a boy. At the end of the close hall, I followed a set of musty, stone stairs. Downward.
Downward?

1:3
At the end of the stairs, a small daemon pushed me forward towards another door. I pushed it open. I walked through. Candles lit the enormous chamber. As I turned around, the door behind me was slammed shut.

1:4
The chamber was wide. Open. I knew inherently that it was God's home. At the back of the chamber was a throne. It was empty. I wept.

1:5
"Why is God, my only hope of salvation, gone?" I cried.
The throne was empty.
Silence.
Then:
"Oh, I'm here."
"Huh? But where -"
"Why do you -"
"Why can't I see you?!" I shouted
Silence.
"Why do you need to think I would sit in a throne?"
"I didn't. I was brought here."
Silence.
"Listen to yourself," said the voice. "This is your place, not mine. Your idea, not mine. Your throne, not mine.
"Which is why I am not in it."

1:6
I wandered the room, wondered about the spectacle that was not a spectacle. Pillars of stone surrounded the throne and I wondered, for the first time, where reality was sitting as the throne itself disappeared, the pillars turning to dust.
The room disappeared.
I wept.

1:7
Again, the voice, in the darkness:
"There is no church. There is no steeple. There is no room. There is no God."
I paused at the last.
"What do you mean, 'There is no God?' I'm here. You're here. I'm speaking to you, I'm..."
"There are no words for me. God. Allah. El. Jehovah.
"All naming the nameless."

1:8
"But I have no reference," I shouted to the nothing.
"But you do," it said.
"You love.
"So you know.
"You don't need a throne and you don't need domination and you - and the world - don't need anything more than it desires or wants or can make due with.
"You already have everything.
"Make it good."

1:9
"But that isn't an answer," I shouted to the nothing.
"Then what is?"
And silence.

1:10
And it was done. And I realized it myself, sitting in front of a computer, typing words, and I hoped it was enough for me and prayed it was something for someone else.

Stream of What?

I just spent 4 hours driving from Cleveland to Cincinnati and as soon as I got back it was unload, unload, unload, and when we got that done it was unpack, unpack, unpack, and the cats seemed okay despite 5 days alone, so that was good, changed their box, but Mrs. Shambles is sick and I can't do anything directly to help her except perhaps some reiki but that's about energy not viruses and some pills and that's what I just gave her and I'm on the computer looking up unemployment benefits instead of sitting with her and watching tee vee, she's sniffling, and sneezing, and coughing but I keep on with the computer thinking that if I just keep going, keep moving, keep looking up information on the internets, then perhaps, just perhaps, everything will be clear, clear as the glass of our front window.

But the glass of our front window is smeared with dog slobber. And even with crystal clarity, all you see is "outside." And that is reality. And that can be scary. And maybe, just tonight, we'll pretend it's just blackness outside, turn on the tree, and make ourselves comfortable. Just comfortable. And then, maybe, we'll finally be back home.

Ann Coulter's Christian Failings

From the inane mind of the bigot Coulter comes a lovely Christmastime email entitled "My Triumph Over Kwanzaa!" It begins:

Is it just me, or does Kwanzaa seem to come earlier and earlier each year?

This year, I believe my triumph over this synthetic holiday is nearly complete. The only mentions of Kwanzaa I’ve seen are humorous ones. Most important, for the first time in eight years, President George Bush appears not to have issued "Kwanzaa greetings" to honor this phony non-Christian holiday that is younger than I am.

It is a fact that Kwanzaa was invented in 1966 by a black radical FBI stooge, Ron Karenga, aka Dr. Maulana Karenga. Karenga was a founder of United Slaves, a violent nationalist rival to the Black Panthers and a dupe of the FBI.

First, I'd like to set something into context for Ann:

It is a fact that Christmas was invented by the Catholic Church, a holiday to celebrate the birth of a man for whom proof of existence is entirely lacking except in ancient manuscripts that attribute him with otherworldly powers of creating matter out of nothing, raising the dead, and his own resurrection, as well as a following that eats flesh and drinks blood. This season, originally pagan nature celebrations and Roman holidays, was usurped by said Church in order to exert its power over all of Europe and, eventually, the world.

Sanctimonious pseudo-zealotry over supposed Christian ideals as a supplement and bolster to supposed American ideals with a basis in the derision of another person's belief and culture serves only to eliminate the validity of those Christian ideals. It is not sexy, intelligent, or work as any form of humor.

In other words, Ann Coulter has proven in three paragraphs that she is a Christian in name only.

Greta Van Susteren: Sucker

In one of my Yahoo groups, someone sent me this link to Fox News's Greta Van Susteren's blog. It is entitled "Did you know this?" and begins like this:

** LIFE IN THE 1500′S ***

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

For those of you who have been visiting the internets for more than fifteen minutes, you might recognize this bit of misinformation, almost 10 years old now, that has been circulating through uninformed emails and blog posts.

To be clear: here is the Snopes page declaring this to be foolishness.

This tells me two things:

1. Greta Van Susteren is gullible and does not put much faith in even basic research.
2. If it wasn't for the remedial modicum of fact-checking and integrity that does exist in the bowels of Fox News, it would be an even more absurd network and viewing experience.

Hidden gem: check out Greta's blog comment by RU4REAL a little ways down. Seems retired teachers who are fans of Fox News are also susceptible to repeating emails.

Getting Laid Off

It couldn't happen to me - not right at Christmas - until it did.

It wasn't a surprise except that it lasted this long. The owner of the business had been running it into the ground for years. That's what happens when you continually fail to deliver and consistently late to meetings (him, of course, not me). People left and weren't replaced, including sales and - for now - they're going into hibernation mode.

The good news is that I run my own web design and marketing company and have a couple clients to lean on with that. So we're not dead, just bleeding. Yeah. Not drowning, but waving.

So if you enjoy this blog and know anyone looking to build or redesign or market their website, go ahead and click that profile and send me an email. Mrs. Shambles and I will appreciate it.

Holy Fucking See Popehat! The UN?!

Some nuances of international relations do escape my grasp, that "good handle" I feel I have from time to time. I was skimming over the Vatican News Release thing I get every couple days and came across this:

VATICAN CITY, 19 DEC 2008 (VIS) - Yesterday afternoon was made public the declaration of the delegation of the Holy See to the 63rd session of the UN General Assembly on the theme: "Human Rights Questions, Including Alternative Approaches for Improving the Effective Enjoyment of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms".
...
"In particular, the categories 'sexual orientation' and 'gender identity', used in the text, find no recognition or clear and agreed definition in international law. If they had to be taken into consideration in the proclaiming and implementing of fundamental rights, these would create serious uncertainty in the law as well as undermine the ability of States to enter into and enforce new and existing human rights conventions and standards".

My first question, having just grasped the gravity of this, is: What the hell is the Vatican doing at the United Nations?

The short answer is that the Vatican has held a non-member Permanent Observer position at the United Nations since 1964. However, as evidenced above, "Observer" apparently also means speaker and commentator on just about anything that concerns them.

Let me put this another way: The United Nations has given Celestino Migliore, Titular Archbishop of Canosa, a representative of a single religion - Catholicism - that just happens to be mildly organized and sick fucking rich, a chair with a placard and room to speak on any items of concern to the Catholic Church. And while the Holy See has stood up for some great humanitarian causes, it also has a history of degrading every other religion in the world, disempowerment of women, and, as above, the slighting of equal rights for GLBT communities.

How exactly does that work? Celestino Migliore writes his name on a list and gets to bitch slap all the gays in the world? This is a man who represents a religion and has an unflappable conviction that homosexuals are sinning against God and will spend all of eternity burning in hell for their transgressions because if they were just steered in the right direction they could make the right "choice" and not be gay. And the UN offers him a few minutes to address representatives to the countries of the world on how this human rights issue should be handled?

WTF?

And where's the Permanent Observer for all the other sects of Christianity? Hindu religion? Or Islam, Buddhism, Judiasm, Zoroastrianism, and all their respective sects? I'm sure they'd all have some interesting things to say about things that happen at the UN.

...but I guess those folks don't have as fat a wallet as the Pope.

Yes, his is the one that says...

Phillips Daylight Window

This isn't brand spanking new, but it made me happy today:

Daddy Makes Good Pictures: Buckethead Deer

Yes, my father took this picture. No, I don't have an appropriate caption yet.

Story here.

Initial thoughts:

• Deer in Space!
• Generic Twizzlers = Delicious
• The vet didn't want me to lick my hoo-hoo...or eat...or drink...

Throw me a bone here. Captions in the comments. Please!

Sometimes Twitter Works

Read bottom-up. This is not a trick, but an existing page of my followed tweets.

I Love ShamWoW!

I have an unhealthy fascination, appreciation, and elation with that damn 2-minute ShamWoW commercial. I could watch it over and over and over again. I love every second from "Are you following me camera guy?" to "We can't do this all day" including the woman in the middle who looks like she doesn't "even use paper towels anymore" because she found herself eating them.



My worst sin about the whole thing? I don't own one. I know! It's only $20. What am I waiting for?!

On the other side of the coin, -- damn! My whole plan was to end this on how much I despise - and will change the channel reflexively - if I see the commercial for the car search engine put together by Time Warner: BeepBeep.com, but I cannot come up with one example of someone who has converted this video poison for consumption on the internets. Drat!

If anyone has a link to the diabolical video, pleas pass it on.

I Don't Even Know How to Categorize This

Play this game. It is called "i made this. you play this. we are enemies."

And I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to make sense.

h/t to Brent sans blog.

Cragslist and the Mysterious Hunger

I've been pulling some extra stress this holiday season with the job situation, both with me and the Missus (doesn't that suck - Merry Christmas!), so it was good to find something to cheer me up for the day. Trolling for misery has that effect.

Under Missed Connections:

Golden Corral around 5-6PM - w4m

did anyone see the guy with the red sweater and tight jeans?

Golden Corral, lovingly referred to as The Hog Trough, was apparently the scene of an oogling. This is wrong on so many levels, but let's hit the logic end:

At one of the 8 Golden Corrals in the Greater Cincinnati area, on some day around 5-6PM, a magnificent butter troll, while pausing for a rhythmic gasp from her feed bag, eyed a man, clad in tight blue jeans and a stunning red sweater. She felt a deeper, different hunger that drove her, at some later date, to make a vague plea to the internets to reveal the identity of the dashing stranger by the mashed potatoes.

Was it you?

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Launch

When I saw this in a news break yesterday during the finale of Survivor (Yay Bob!), it made my evening. Then it made my day today. Over and over and over again.



Finally, we get someone who wants to disagree with Bush, hand him what he deserves, and it's not some politician who has to play nice and not offend. Unfortunately, Bush probably didn't understand until someone explained it to him what a tremendous insult the sole of the shoe represents in the Arab world.

UPDATE: Al-Zaidi charged for throwing shoes in presence of Maliki, not for aiming at Bush