Oil Leak Bizarro World You Must Visit

The funny thing in this thought challenge or experiment is that - well, there's nothing funny about it except perhaps my writing, shielding the reality with the parody or reductio ad absurdum and thus revealing the ultimate sadness inherent in being a right wing radio talk show host. Without such magnanimous delusional egotism, I surmise suicides would be much higher in their field.

Today's Experiment: Obama & Oil

Scenario 1:
President Obama spent all Memorial Day weekend with the families of those killed in the rig blast and those already suffering the effects of the death of the fishing industry in the Gulf.

Right Wing Response:
"What's Obama doing? He's just placating them! He doesn't give a hoot about the crisis or about solving it - he just wants to make face time and look like he gives a crap. This is egotistical showmanship, nothing more.

"And besides, what about Arlington? Why isn't he there? He obviously doesn't care about the veterans either, those who gave their lives to guarantee our freedoms. Obama hates freedom! Nazi!"


Scenario 2:
President Obama invents a time machine and goes back to the beginning of the crisis to let BP know that if they drop the Top Hat, they should warm the top hat to avoid the creation of hydrates that might block the tube. The Top Hat solution vacates 90% of the oil spewing into the Gulf.

Right Wing Response:
"What is Obama doing? Is he suddenly Bill Nye the Science Guy? What does he know that BP doesn't? Sure the flow is stemmed, but it's only 90% - 10% is still ruining the lives of those who make their living from the Gulf.

"Obviously, he doesn't want a complete fix because then he wouldn't be able to take over the oil industry in America! Just like Hitler!"


Scenario 3:
President Obama equips his super-suit & jetpack and flies to the Gulf personally, dives to the bottom of the sea and with his super-heated welding materials, cuts the broken pipe and bends it shut, stemming the flow permanently. He takes the rest of the weekend to spend with families who have been affected by and will be affected by the disaster.

Right Wing Response:
"Who elected this show-boating goon? He's obviously making a play for governmental takeover of the oil companies and playing the 'face time' game with these families. If Hitler had a jetpack and supersuit, he'd have done the same thing!"


Scenario 4:
President Obama equips his super-suit & jetpack, fixes the oil leak, creates a pact with Israel for peace, destroys all Russia's nuclear weapons, forges peace with China and North Korea, kills Ahmadinejad, catches Bin Laden, feeds every starving person in the world with mana from heaven.

Right Wing Response:
"What about Arlington? Why isn't he there? He obviously doesn't care about the veterans of America or America herself while he's out hot-dogging the world! Obama hates freedom! Nazi!"


To bastardize Yoda for Obama:

"Try or try not. There is no win."

What's Sexy?

Here's something I just thought of that might happen with punctuated regularity. What does Google Image Search tell us is sexy?

Anime



I don't know that I can call that sexy. Then again, I'm not into transvestite cosplay.


Dude



I'm going to pass on this one.


Villians?



I really don't ...WTF? What in holy hell is this? A sexy Disney villain, of course. More here, if you dare click.


Firefox



Okay, that'll work.


Lesson: The internets does not know what I think is sexy. Beware you search yourself. O'er there, there be furries.

New Righty Rules for America

Muslims across America are being harassed and denied a chance to build or expand Mosques. Seems there's a trend going on here from the right.

New (Righty) Rules for America:

1. Freedom of Religion is guaranteed by the Constitution and the founding fathers, but only if you're a Christian. Jews will be tolerated as long as they don't get too loud. Hindus - Hahaha! Ah, Hindus.
2. Freedom of Speech is guaranteed by the Constitution, but only if you're patriotic and Christian enough not to be shut down by the Right; attacks on Mosques and Muslims are protected speech.
3. The workings of government follow written rules unless Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck say differently.
4. Double standards do not exist while criticizing Barack Obama in relation to what any other president has done; Obama is BAD
5. Guns, guns, guns! Get your ass down to the convention center to our gun show! We've got big guns, small guns, guns for babies, guns for girls, guns for God, illegal guns in pieces (shhh!). We've even got guns made of candy! But be careful - they'll kill you! Why!? They're guns!
6. Our history as a nation of immigrants does not extend to those with brown skin.
7. Since people who talk about our military are uncomfortable with them homosex'shls, gays will not be able to fight for our country unless they lie and hide who they are. We are working on a permanent pigment for brown-skinned soldiers and dildos for women. Unless they're hot lesbians.
8. Sarah Palin is a serious, intelligent, viable political candidate.
9. Anyone who does not abide by the above items can and will be tied to Hitler.

God Bless Amerikkka.

UPDATE: Question on my jest of guns made of candy came up in the comments. I am unfortunately able to provide examples. Chocolate guns, and even a misguided attempt by PEZ:

LOST

I don't have words right now as I just finished watching the final episode of LOST (yes, 2 days late) on DVR.

Many will deride it. Many will make poo-poo on its proverbial face.

I, for one, wept at least 5 times in the last showing. And while all the answers are not there, I agree now that they don't have to be.

We all need to see what we see. We all need to hear what we hear. We all need guidance to find what it is we need to find. For them, they had "the island." For us?

Best of luck.

Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince.
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

In Short: Obama's Memorial Day Plans

The right wing is all a-flutter about how Barack Obama is going to Chicago this coming weekend instead of laying the wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier himself.

1. Reagan and both Bushes did the same thing.
2. Obama has 2 little girls who might want to see their extended families during the holiday weekend.
3. HEY RIGHT: if you're really concerned about personal freedoms and a nanny state then why is it okay to impose your personal views upon a president you didn't even vote for and impose your ideals of action on an American citizen who wants to spend time with his family AND will be at a Memorial Day service, just not in DC? Might want to think on that.

Wedding Disastrous

Because you deserve it.


I said keg stand, not keg lean. Get on up in it.



I am not drunk, I have not been crying, and yes I took this from the bar. And it's MINE.



Unwrapping isn't as much fun when you stare at the present all night.



...in an elementary school classroom.



That's how we do it in mothafuckin' M-trop, bitches!

Mutant Skeeters or Crazy Allergies?

So I was out in Cali 2 weeks ago, checking out the view of the Valley from Mulholland Drive near dusk, and while the sight was spectacular, I was spending some of my precious attention batting a few pesky (and rather large) mosquitoes. The next day, a half dozen requisite bites appeared and were just slightly itchy. My brother got some too.

Yesterday morning I awoke to find the mosquito bites I had all but forgot about were now flared, red, perfectly round, and about the size of a quarter each. This is the bugger between the pinky and ring knuckles of my left hand:



The curious spread I figure is from the the fact that I use my hands typing all day, so whatever my body doesn't like is getting to spread out a bit there. My brother does not have the same symptoms.

SO WTF? I understand that a toxin in the mosquito saliva causes the original bump, redness, and itching and affects different people different ways. But I got these bites 14 days ago. And they reacted like always: itch for a couple days, then go away. They hadn't bothered me in a week. What would make them all go nuclear 12 days after being bit?

Don't worry, I'm not being a typical stupid man about it either. I've already been to see the doctor if for no other reason than Cortizone10 was doing dick for the itch and I was either going to scratch them all until bloody or go absolutely mad thinking about scratching them all until bloody.

The doc said things like "weird," "I've never seen anything like it," and "Thanks for being my freak of the day" (we have a pretty casual relationship). And so it's antibiotics because of the timeline and off-chance of infection, topical steroid for immediate relief (knocks that itch down about 60%), and an oral steroid for overall inflammation control.

But it's all generalized guesswork, so I turn to you, my dear readers: Have you ever heard anything like this? Bites following a natural fade then BAM! 12 days later they get as big as quarters and itch 3 times as badly?

Brad Goehring is a Liar & Typical Rightie

Brad Goehring sent me an email today through GOPUSA's email list (yes, I'm a subscriber) and the subject title was "It's Liberal Hunting Season."

Ah, yes, you nod, now you remember Brad Goehring; he's the California Republican running for a House position that's catching flack for the hunting and gun references when describing what's going on in our country.

And so he's outright capitalizing on that absurd fame. "It's Liberal Hunting Season*
Time to Load Up* Conservative Candidates' Bank Accounts" and "PULL THE TRIGGER* FOR A TRUE CONSERVATIVE" adorn his funding letter. The asterisk? *Note to The Politically Correct Liberal Police (Specifically Keith Olbermann): The above sentences with asterisks are metaphors.

Like most Republicans, Brad does not understand how language works. Yes, Brad, those would fall into the category of "metaphor." Green check-mark on the grammar. But because something is a metaphor does not make it innocuous. What's a metaphor exactly? "A figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity."

To Brad:
Do you understand the function of a metaphor now? Do you understand that by making those statements, the intent - by function of the linguistic device - is to create a similarity between putting money in your campaign account and the physical act of killing liberals with a firearm.

And that's your right. You can go ahead and use that because it riles up the libs and the righties love it and, all-in-all, it probably benefits your campaign to follow that line. But don't - for just one second - pretend you don't know what you're doing with an aw shucks shrug.


Sidenote:
Brad-Brad's website home page, save for the address buried in the lower right, is oddly void of any reference to the state of California. Isn't he proud of the state he's working to represent? Yet no graphic, no mention. I'd suggest this is intentional; capitalize on the notoriety of the gun metaphors without that pesky obvious reminder that most of the right-wing, riled-up goonery is not actually from Cali and might think twice if they were overtly confronted with the fact.


Final note: Anyone who openly agrees with the idea the the Democrats are purposefully trying to deconstruct the country and turn it into a welfare state is out of their damn mind and lying to scare the bejeezus out of their base. Frightened constituency is always more giving, after all.


Okay, just one more note: You can follow Brad Goehrning on Twitter too! As of this posting, he's following 0 and being followed by 8. Note to Brad: You're doing it wrong.

Drunk-Dialing FreedomWorks

A heavenly thanks to Blueberry over at Texas Oasis. This made my day!

Disney Heroines as Comic Book Heroines

No, I'm not kidding. Here's one of half a dozen.



Um...

Politics Meh!

Meh! I say!

Why? Same shit's happening this week that was last week. Here's a recap in case you've been living in a cave with Bin Laden the last week:

• Republicans are backswitching and -pedaling and plain lying about Kagan's past accomplishments, policies, and rulings. The "better angels" of the right have reduced the conversation to whether she's a lesbian, a man, or too darned androgynous.
• Rush, Beck, and some of our particularly petrol-soaked politicians are downplaying the worst oil disaster in history, saying things like "Where's the oil? I don't see it!" and "The ocean'll take care of itself." and "Yeah, come to our beaches and swim and fish!" No, their job is to ignore the tragedy, the blame, the destruction...and instead focus on how Obama is going to use this to achieve world domination!
• Eric Holder didn't read the fucking law. 10 pages. 17 pages. Whatever. But he didn't read it, commented on it, and got called out. And because he didn't take 15 minutes of his day to get edjumakated, the right is playing the video of his admission 24/7. No matter that the law is unquestionably racist or wrong or opposed, because the USAG didn't read the damn thing, THEY get the fuel to burn their lie fires (note how the right talks about "plain language" except when they need to "read deeper" to reveal Obamarific deception). Eric Holder is still an asshat for that one.
• We're still at war in Afghanistan and Iraq. They're still killing Americans. We still shouldn't be there. And now that the right can call it "Obama's War," they can finally talk about it as the clusterfuck it is.
• Gingrich is still seemingly floating a 2012 GOP bid for POTUS. Hehe *snort*
• Drudge is still manipulating perception of what is in stories by the titles he gives them, always with that crazy, righty spin of his. (NOTE: Today Afghanistan "Grim milestone: 1,000 Americans dead" but 3K in Iraq under Bush ignored)

That is all.

Jesus News: Capitalism & Lungs

This week, we'll make it quick and let you comment:

Yes, a man legally named Lord Jesus Christ was hit by a car.

A great commentary on some douche that claims Jesus was a Capitalist.

A guy pines on spikes and (while starting with Shrek) asks what would've happened if Jesus was never born. Don't pay too much heed; it's not a historical model so much as it degrades into "we'd all be in hell."

And in a fit of pareidolia, we've now seen Jesus in a lung. Quick! Kill that person! Obviously the war of good and evil happened in the womb and the evil body consumed the twin!

Till next week...

"Single Ladies" Creepy

The dancing is impressive. That said, there are five sets of parents that need classes in what is appropriate for young girls.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Back in Black: Glenn Beck & Hitler

Mr. Black, I love you.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Back in Black - Glenn Beck's Nazi Tourette's
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Right Wing, Kagan, Saudi Arabia

And that's when my head exploded.

Media Matters today points out that WorldNetDaily hacks claim Kagan helped shield terrorist supporters. They claim this because under Dubya she advised against lawsuits against the Saudi Royal Family. However, administration policy at the time was a very staunch and public view that lawsuits would hurt the administration's ability to conduct foreign policy as they saw fit. Done deal.

So let's take a short trip to InsaneoLand, where everything is just one degree off, and presume Kagan, during the Bush administration, had advised FOR lawsuits against the Saudi Royal Family. What would our hypocritical whackjobs have said then? I'll venture a guess:

• Kagan is only out to get Bush and Bush doctrine.


• Kagan is attacking Bush's relationship with the Saudi Royal Family.


• Kagan is threatening our access to reasonably-priced oil.


• Kagan is threatening national security.


• Kagan is misdirecting her efforts and needs to focus on [insert other terrorist country here].


• Kagan is on a witch hunt.


• Kagan is a lesbian.

Hmmm...guess that last one shows that even in InsaneoLand, in an odd juxtaposition, Republicans can avoid hypocrisy when unifying in bigotry. Classy.

But the point is this: The Republican war against anything Obama and/or Democrat is reaching (okay: has reached) absurd proportions. They're blocking over 50 uncontroversial appointees with cowardly secret freezes, inserting porn amendments into decent bills, and blatantly arguing against one thing when the opposite would've raised even more hackles in the party. Aaaaaaahhhhh!

If the Republican Party's goal is to drive the opposition nuts, they're working it to the bone. But they're doing so at the expense of credibility; This is the "Waiting for Godot" of politics, performed in leather fetish clown outfits by amateurs who understand neither humor nor absurdity.

Quick! Rush Day is Every Day!

Today, Rush Limbaugh spewed a particularly absurd stream of verbal diarrhea (aka logorrhea) where he espoused the wonder and acceptance of the Republican party, saying that the Left is divisive and looking to break apart the country and the Republicans? They don't separate people into groups. "We don't even see groups."

He then immediately turned around and read from and wholeheartedly agreed with an article about how the Supreme Court could be grouped into New England educational elitists, how Obama is an elitist for living in Hyde Park and only one Justice is from the South.

Because he doesn't see groups.

Oh, and just before that he went on a tirade that there was an article about how the Right was trying to make Elena Kagan out to be a lesbian - whether she was one or not - and ranting about how the Left was making a big deal about it because of the publishing of the article. Guess what, Rush? You just did what you claim the Left is doing about what the Right is doing to damage the character of a viable SCOTUS candidate. Classy.

He still frustrates me, but at least he's just his own parody at this point. Not much I can to to juice the idiocy. I just have to tell you about it.

Take It or Leave It Award ...Cal!

Cal, it starts with you. This is a test. I may have to post this somewhere else because somehow it might violate Photobucket's something or other - and if it does I'll let you know. But steal it and save it for yourself just in case.

So on behalf of a complete lack of taste and judgment (on my part), I do hereby present Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness with the "I'd Fuck That Blog With My Own Dick" Award from Cause For Concern for a rich and neverending stream of wonderful, geeky, lovely, paranoid, and downright delicious posts. I'll never stop reading.

(if this is so totally nasty that no one will put it on their blog, I'll gladly revise it with something more innocuous but equally offensive)



Cheers!

If You Forget Me

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.


- Pablo Neruda

The Arizona Law IS Racist: Read It!

Here's the link. Anything I pull as a summary, please check me on. The right is full of shit on this one.

1. The amendments to the on-the-books law deems it verboten to practice any less than the full enforcement of federal law pertaining to illegal immigrants. Righties are correct on this talking point; the laws have become lax because of acceptance and necessity (people wouldn't be here if they weren't filling a labor need). However, this law is the equivalent of requiring your state to constantly monitor (not discourage or warn about) speed limits and issue tickets for even one MPH over listed limits. But monitoring methods aren't perfect! Exactly.


2. The law states that anyone an officer has engaged in lawful contact must be required to prove citizenship. Lawful contact would include anyone suspected of committing a crime.


3. The law then defines any person who is an illegal immigrant on any land, public or private in AZ as breaking the law (therefore committing a crime).


4. The law also defines anyone hiring or transporting an illegal immigrant as a violation of law and therefore reasonable suspect of illegal action.

So in the real world, can you understand how law enforcement might get pissed about this law? Can you understand how it may be described as racist?

It literally makes every law enforcement professional required to investigate whether or not a crime is being committed by anyone who may or may not be an illegal immigrant because trespassing is a violation in itself. A Mexican being on Arizona soil is a crime. How do you ascertain if someone is an illegal immigrant? Darker skin's going to be one tip-off. "Papers, please." A white guy or woman driving yourself and your Latino friend to work? Might be transporting! "Papers, please."

And despite all these terrible, terrible promotions of pretty blatant racism, Hannity and Limbaugh and the like can claim it's all good-hearted because at the very end, as a disclaimer, Sec. 11 Pt. C states: "This act shall be implemented in a manner consistent with federal laws regulating immigration, protecting the civil rights of all persons and respecting the privileges and immunities of United States citizens."

Ooohhh! So they were just saying that! Of course. You wouldn't want to violate anyone's civil rights, right? Assume someone's guilty based on their skin color? Preposterous! Obviously we're just protecting our citizenship by killing tourism and civilly raping the citizens of this fair state.

Good job Arizona! And all those great Republican who support the law? They support you too, right? Nope. Turns out they're moving the GOP convention to FLA and screwing you on that tourism absence too. Ouch. That's gotta hurt. At least it's a dry hurt.

LA Ate Me!

After offering a double dose of Van Mural love, as a sacrifice to the gods that be, a brief explanation of my absence the past week: I was in Los Angeles. First time there and it was awesome.

I can't yet put into words how amazing the experience was, but will certainly say that Los Angeles has won me over as much as it was demystified during my visit.

So mind the gap, I'm back from the cultural foraging. For now.

Van Mural: Bungalows & Dragons!

I was going to crop this first one to highlight the van itself, but what better to highlight a mediocre van mural than by retaining the shitty bungalow in lower-middle class suburbia as its backdrop?




And because I'm always down with twofers (especially when pertaining to numbers of concomitant nightly sexual partners), here's another love for you. Pimped as any Conan-Dragon-Lady mural-ed van should be!




As a matter of fact, I believe I'll be doing some dragon mural research for next week. Expect a big'n!

Dick Morris What?

Ugh, another example of sloppy work from the right in some of the terrible emails I get from their lists:



I'm a well-educated writer with a penchant for a hard edge towards grammar. And I don't know if it was the phrasing (AWK = awkward) or the unnecessary comma, but it took me over an hour to discern what was being said here.

Apparently the translation for "Dick Morris [See is] Armageddon for Dollar" is not "Dick Morris Goes to Dollar Theater to View Bruce Willis in Armageddon" but "Dick Morris Prognosticates the End of the American Dollar." So Dick's a seer of some sort now.

Unfortunately for the seer, "Armageddon" does not mean "the end" or "the destruction" but more of a "final battle" as a reference to an actual place in the Apocalypse of St. John from the Bible. But the Dollar is American; isn't everything American better and stronger and kicks some serious ass over the rest of the world? Why the surrenderist, defeatist language Dick? Don't you believe in and love America? Don't you want to win?

Perhaps it's the scary money that shuffles Dick back into a corner when discussing finances. You see, Dick Morris was the subject of an IRS tax lien for $1.5 million in 2003, and was named on Connecticut’s list of top 100 tax delinquents in 2007, to the tune of $452,367. Oops!

Maybe Dick needs to get out of the business of shucking books or goods or talking on news shows that have anything to do with money forever. Or maybe hair tonic from bald guys is your thing.

But It's MY Wine

Seriously. Don't take my wine.

Van Mural Mural Van?

Does a mural of a van count?



...only if it has a water meter on the side! And a creepy man with flowers.


But this is more like it, curtains (um, bedsheets) and all:



Ewwww...

Holy Shit I Made Mike Church's Facebook!?

It's true! If you go to Dude's Wall, Cause For Concern's post on Mike Church getting things wrong is listed with a lovely bevvy of his myrmidons commenting on my blog. It's delicious!

Apparently the trite, post-humorous host that swoons his followers with "dude" and words that begin with "über" was bored enough to ego-troll-surf to find a post over 2 years old. Ironically, shouts of "automaton" are spouted by Anynomous goons filtered to this blog by means only meant for silly listeners. I respond to those troll comments in my comment.

Most mentioned nag: I swears too much! OMG!

As with most right-wing readers, they swarm in with ad hominem attacks and fail to address the questions at hand (and those that do are laughable).

As I've said and exemplified many times over: I may bill myself as a Godless Liberal, but spend most of my listening time to the right side of the dial, and not just for sniping and attacking. I actually listen to both sides. The left just makes much more sense the majority of the time.

And my original post of 2 years ago stands: the words he spoke and I heard were either misleading or wrong. Nothing else.

That said, I always enjoy it when my points are proven by the ignorance of the responses. I'm sure I'll get more. Stay tuned!

A Poor-Ass Bombing

I'm listening to the teevee right now.

They are talking about the Times Square Non-Bombing that didn't quite happen yesterday.

Is this a joke? Is it April 1?

Seriously - the goon(s) who set the whole thing up basically tried to use firecrackers to ignite propane tanks that aren't even open and bet on gas canisters to make it go "boom."

The media is (barely) using the word "amateur." I would use the word "retarded." Irish Dancer (my daughter) could probably build a more effective bomb.

My biggest worry is not that the media is reporting the "dangers" of the stupidity of what was going on but what our government is doing right now.

We may be looking at a simple, retarded version of terrorism.

We may also be looking at a retarded version of terrorism that is a purposeful misdirection. Not a good one, but something altogether different.

If I was the US Gov't, I'd be focusing on what comes next, what this might be hiding.

But I'm sure they have plenty of operatives that do that...

Drudge is an Ignorant, Racist Goon

From Matt Drudge's headline site:



That's right: "They." And by "they" he's referring to all them dark-skinned folk protesting the new law in Arizona.

If you claim to be a media mogul, please don't claim to be completely ignorant of the "they" rhetoric, the "they" that are the minority, the "other," the "under." You are either a moron or a racist. I'm putting my money on both.

And the Right wonders why the "unfair" racist rap?

Ultimates! Ricky's Fav Movies & Music

I'm feeling a little brash today, a little like sticking it out there and just declaring once and for all that I do have a favorite, and ultimate of some for or another. So let's get this over with.

Favorite Song: White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane




Funniest Animated Show Ever: Frisky Dingo




Funniest Movie Ever: BASEketball




Favorite Movie: True Romance




There we go. I feel better.

Van Mural Danger Down: Red & Ice Cream!

Because nothing says "Check out my pimp rims!" like a children's fairy tale.



And this van either sells ice cream or rape. I guess it could be both.

This week's apparent theme: luring children into dangerous situations. How unfortunate.

Drunk Lady + Dogs + Parrots = Ohio

I'd say "Only in Cincinnati" but I think you can probably find such absurdity Ohio-wide.

From cincinnati.com:

MIDDLETOWN - Over the incessant barking of half a dozen small dogs, Sgt. Steve Ream couldn't believe what he saw inside a Beech Street house.


On a bed with the dogs was a woman, with "one large white parrot... standing on her forehead, biting her in the face. There was another smaller bird on her chest."

This was in addition to as many as 10 cages with other birds, all of them squawking and causing the dogs to bark. The woman appeared to be so intoxicated, Ream said, "that she could not remove the bird off her face."

The Friday night run started as a domestic disturbance, a man and a wife who had been drinking and arguing so loudly that neighbors had gotten involved.

Ream then took Janice McCoy-Nuttle, 49, to the front porch, because "I couldn't understand what she was trying to say due to the dogs barking and other noise."

She denied that her husband, Kevin Nuttle, who was outside the house with a bleeding ear, had been assaulted.

It would have ended there, Ream wrote in his report, but McCoy-Nuttle got angry at her husband, swore at him and threw an inhaler at him, nearly striking the officer.

Ream then put her in the back of his cruiser, and wrote that she kicked at the windows and banged her head on the bars. At the police station, where she had to be restrained, she was charged with disorderly conduct with intoxication.

The couple had been celebrating Nuttle's return after four months on the road as a truck driver.

McCoy-Nuttle was later found guilty in Middletown Municipal Court and fined $240.

Popehat! Turning Wording into Whine

Last week, many people - including myself - were up in arms about the Comedy Central bullshit where they censored not only the "image" of Mohammed, but in part 2 (episode 201), bleeped every time the name Mohammed was used bleeped over the entire final speech. (Even though Season 5's "Super Best Friends" can still be found with a normally-illustrated Mohammed and no fanfare whatsoever - but that was before 9/11 when the terrorists apparently did win 'cause dey scurred us.)



And everybody, especially the Christians, were outraged at the double standard imposed in the world of religion.



One guy I heard on one of my right-wing AM masochism sessions actually said "Islam is the only religion you can't make fun of."

Yeah, so fuck that, right? Everyone else has a great sense of humor, let's it roll off their back like piss on a duck, right?



Not so fast there, Catholics. A fake memo, circulated by a 23-year old satirist - admittedly as a joke - is getting a lot of attention this week. What was in it?

The memorandum, apparently written by staff planning events for the four-day visit by Pope Benedict XVI, suggested he might like to start a helpline for abused children, sack "dodgy" bishops, open an abortion ward, launch his own brand of condoms, preside at a civil partnership, perform forward rolls with children, apologise for the Spanish armada and sing a song with the Queen.

And the Pope flipped the fuck out in usual sanctimonious bullshit mode. The tempest in a teacup was jumped on by all the Catholic myrmidons in the western world and called anything from "despicable" to "a foolish document." The Pope's visit to the UK is in jeopardy and the Vatican wants to know why no one's been sacked yet.



Oh, for fuck's sake! I agree that death threats over depictions of Mohammed, innocuous or not, are total bullshit. But you, you hypocritical Catholics, glom on to that bullhorn in one breath and in the very next are calling for the hounds of hell to pluck this satire-driven man from the face of the earth for comments that oscillate between mildly humorous and trite!

So the WTF Award goes to the Pope. Again. Though this whole thing could've been a bit of a ruse to kill the UK trip all together. Everyone knows Richard Dawkins is going to arrest the Pope as soon as he sets foot in the UK. You know, that whole religion-wide molestation coverup thing?


And one last note on the Mohammed South Park debacle. It's prompted at least one cartoonist to declare May 20th, 2010 "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" in defense of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.



However, following the mad viral reaction of the internets over her cartoon, has disassociated herself with the movement and the cartoon, and many links can be found in this story from Facebook groups to where to submit your drawing for May 20.

I'll be posting my own graven image and encourage you to do the same. Maybe one of Jesus too. And the Pope. And Krishna. And Buddha. Then it's fair ;)

Phallic Blog Award Question

If I started handing out blogging awards that said

I'd Fuck Your Blog With My Own Dick

Do you think there would be clamoring?

Yeah, you're right. I guess it would depend on the badge design. I'll work on that. I'd stick with initial caps, though.

Weekly Van Mural Never Ends!

(an don't overlook the license plate or crafted bumper...)



...c'mon now - you don't think I'd leave you hangin' do you? Here's the full splendor!





They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they?

Sea Lion v. Octopus

I guess today is all for Cal. Enjoy!

A Cave Girl for a Friend

I ran into this image today and it's called "Cave Girl" by Calvin Wong, a San Fran illustrator.

And I immediately thought "Cave? Calvin? Perfect!" This one's for you, Cal.

Ground Control to Major Tom

No, exactly what you might think. Look how young Davie is!

Monday Jesus: The Beatles!, Ugly Army, Turin Turnin'

Beatles and Satan

The Beatles, this week, got a nod from the Vatican:

Offering the band complete absolution, the article, entitled Seven Years That Shook Music, L’Osservatore Romano said: “Its true they took drugs, lived life to excess because of their success, even said they were bigger than Jesus and put out mysterious messages, that were possibly even Satanic.

“They may not have been the best example for the youth of the day but they were by no means the worst. Their beautiful melodies changed music and continue to give pleasure.”

It went on: “Forty years later the Beatles still astound with their originality and they are a consolation against the continual assault on music lovers by the record industry.”

Someone's a fan. But does that sound back-handed to anyone?

Ehh...Satanic? No problem! They made good music! WTF?


End Times

Some folks think it's neigh. The END, that is. And the worst thing is that the article is written because these anti-gov't choads think it's so:



Wrong answer, Chris Kattan!


Turin in His Grave?

The Shroud of Turin is back on display. Yay! I mean, whatever. I'm going with fake. Durr.

Friday FAIL: Chatroulette, Fox Slip, Ballsmack

Chatroulette is a fail in itself in that you're going to generally see naked guys, sometimes jacking off. If you don't know about Chatroulette, the premise is simple: go to the site, link in your webcam and you are instantly and randomly joined with someone else in the world with a webcam. And you can chat with them.

Here's a couple guys doing some improv on Chatroulette because I didn't want to give you a video with a bunch of guys jacking off. If you want to see dicks, go to Chatroulette directly. It won't take long. I promise.




Screener Fail

And on Fox News of all things. Fun!




Double Skateboard FAIL



Ouch.

Who's Who of Asshat Liars

I was scanning through the Drudge Report today and one column of links struck me as quite funny:

GINGRICH: Obama 'most radical president ever'...

LIMBAUGH: Obama 'inflicting untold damage on this great country'...

MARK LEVIN: Civil disobedience is coming...

PALIN: Obama's Nuke Stance Like Kid Who Says 'Punch Me in Face'...

LIZ CHENEY: Obama Putting America on 'Path to Decline'...

HANNITY: Obama 'Is a Socialist'...

SAVAGE: 'Obama The Destroyer'...

Gingrich is the most sane of the band and the rest are known right wing radical news-spinners, liars, and/or absolutely nuts. I know Drudge is not now nor has he ever professed to be balanced about anything, but damn. I guess good on him for putting his ignorance and bias front and center.

This post brought to you by the number 0 and the letters F and U.


And completely unrelated was this other Drudge link:

Muslim woman strangled by her burkha in freak go-kart accident...

...which is why Muslim women shouldn't be driving in the first place. I thought they already had a law against that. Sheesh.

I Can See Batshit Crazy From My House

Palin-Bachmann 2012?

Holy fucking shit. Please. Please. Please.

Van Mural Wed, er Thursday: Horseys!

A horse is a horse of course, of course. That is of course unless the horse - is painted on the side of a freaking van. Then it's a vision.




And unrelated to my equine friend above, I found out today that by typing van mural in to Google Image Search, the header of Cause for Concern comes up on the second page. I'm doin' something right!

It's a Nice Day For a White (Trash) Wedding

Monday Jesus: The Cleveland Diocese FAIL

This has nothing to do with the Pope's sex scandal coverup, but it will make you angry if you are at all familiar with Catholicism. Or just hate stupid.

(Note: I am not nor have I ever been a member of St. Peter's. As soon as I heard the story, I did some hunting and digging to obtain the information presented here.)

Here's a story...

...of a few dozen Cleveland parishes (churches) that, because of the economic downturn and attendance downturn, had been ordained (no pun intended) to be unworthy of the Catholic Church's operating costs. In other words, despite historical significance or beauty of the building or the commitment of the congregation, several churches are just not pulling their weight. Here's a list of closed/closing churches, 30 in Cuyahoga County alone.

Bishop Dick


Bishop Richard Lennon: 'Heyyy..whaddya want from me? Salvation?'

Turns out that after a few churches had been officially closed by the diocese, word spread quickly that Bishop Richard Lennon was the diocesan form of Galactus, eater of worlds. The bishop would celebrate the final mass at the church and immediately afterwards made sure everyone was out of the building. Bodyguards by his side (I'm not kidding), generally with some or all of the congregation still lingering, Bishop Dick would drop a padlock on the front doors and - I'm guessing - laugh like a drunken Dr. Evil.

"Oh No You Di-int!?"

Some of the congregation of Historic St. Peter's Church in downtown Cleveland caught wind of this cruel / evil / inhumane / irreverent practice used to shut down churches and they got together and said they were going to boycott the April 11th closing mass. In order to maintain a place for congregation and fellowship and to continue the mission of the church, they rented a warehouse nearby.

Grumpy Dick

Bishop Richard caught wind of a slight scent of something that didn't smell overwhelmingly like money or obedience and sent every member of the congregation a letter of, well, I guess you'd call it a letter of disapproval with undertones of warning. Feel free to skim it, but here it is in its entirety and it's a right piece of scolding sanctimonious bullshit:

Dear -,

Because of the responsibility given to me as Bishop of the Diocese of Cleveland, I have taken difficult but necessary steps to ensure the vibrancy and vitality of our Diocese going forward. In order to provide for presence and pastoral care in an equitable manner throughout the Diocese, a number of beloved parishes are closing and others are merging so that the work of building the Kingdom of God in the Diocese of Cleveland will continue. The men and women who founded these parishes sacrificed much, giving out of want in order to build the Church in Cleveland. With the same sense of commitment to the Catholic faith that was shown by those who built our early parishes, we move forward in faith.

I encourage you as a parishioner of St. Peter Parish to look to the future with a renewed commitment to your Catholic identity and to register at another parish in the Diocese following the mass that I am scheduled to celebrate on 11 April 2010 at St. Peter Church. Much has been done through the efforts of your Pastor, Father Robert Marrone, and through the laity of St. Peter to provide outreach to the poor of Cleveland and presence and various forms of assistance to the young people in a local public school in Cleveland. While the physical edifice that is your parish church will close, you are encouraged to continue the good work done at St. Peter's by joining parishes with other Catholics in the Diocese.

To maintain communion in Christ with the pastors of the Church and with the faithful is one of the most serious obligations we have as Catholics. Lumen gentium, the Dogmatic Constitution of the Church promulgated by the Second Vatican Council, states that the baptized are in full communion with the Catholic Church when joined with Christ in its visible structure by the bonds of profession of faith, of the sacraments and ecclesiastical governance (LG, #14).

It is because of my concern for you and your salvation an for the good of the Church in Cleveland that I write this letter. It has been brought to my attention that there is a document on file with the Ohio Secretary of State establishing "The Community of St. Peter" and that space has been rented on Euclid Avenue in Cleveland under that name. Further, it is my understanding that the establishment of "The Community of St. Peter" and the new website that is under development by that community which "will soon house information on all of our new programs and serve as a primary communication tool in our new service organization," has created confusion among parishioners of St. Peter Parish.

Gleaning from information I have received, some see this as a way for the current parishioners to continue their good works in the city which I can support; others are wondering if this means they will be worshiping together at the new address.

It is my hope and my prayer that there is no attempt on the part of some to set up an alternative parish outside the jurisdiction of the Diocese of Cleveland. Please know that I will not approve of a priest celebrating the sacraments in any space other than an approved site within the Diocese.

Most importantly, we must never lose sight of our Catholic Faith which we profess on Sundays and days of great celebration when we say "We believe in the one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church." When we became member's of God's Church we became members of the unified body of Christ. So important is this reality of unity that Jesus prayed the night before He died "...that they may all be one, as you Father, are in me and I in you."

When there is a breaking of unity and communion with the Church, there are consequences which affect one's relationships with the Lord, with His holy Church, as well as with other members of the faithful.

We are the Church together. We come together as family in challenging times. The Church is our spiritual family. We are called by Christ to work together. If we work together, we will be healed together. The participation of every parishoner of St. Peter in the family of the Church in Cleveland is essential if we are to bring the hope and peace of Christ to our community.

Sincerely yours in Christ,
(+ Richard Lennon)
Bishop of Cleveland

Synopsis: Holy Bullshittery Batman!

The gist of the letter is "I'm not sayin' anything solid or permanent, but if you stray from a sanctioned, official Catholic church, it might mess with your bond to God and everyone knows that means you go to hell." Amongst other things.

But how backwards is that? What happened to the humanity of faith? The compassion of Christ? What about "Whenever two or more of you are gathered in his name...?" People all over Cleveland are losing their places of worship. One woman I met is 92 years old and has only ever attended one church. And that church is closing. And instead of empathy and understanding, she gets Bishop Dick and The Meatheads on their Door Lockin' Tour and the message is "Get yourself to another church before you lose your soul!" WTF?

(Sidenote: she's also slowly losing her grasp on the presence of reality, so while her home church may give her comfort and a few moments of solace, a new parish would fill her with confusion if not terror. Good job Dick!)

Personal Rant / Conclusion

It is an excellent example of why I strayed from the Catholic faith so many years ago.

The purpose of most religions is to foster a connection between yourself and a higher power, whether for the purpose of personal enlightenment, betterment of the world, or just getting to Heaven because Dante wrote how shitty Hell was. And the Catholic church takes that core tenet, that raw energy of the goal of faith, and they put it in a box that says "mystery" on it, held by a priest who is your "go between guy" (and it can never be a woman). So at the very start, you're never allowed to touch it. That's locked into a church that must be validated by the diocese and is wrapped in Bishops and Archbishops and Cardinals and rules and nuance and dogma and doctrine and "Vatican II" and a filthy rich Vatican City that's its own country headed by a guy who was a member of the Hitler Youth and had a hand in covering up cases of pedophilia and molestation the world over!

And they wondered why I didn't want to go to church on Sunday.


I'm guessing many of you have never gotten in this deeply to the world of Catholic doctrine, dogma, disillusionment, etc. I hope, if nothing else, I opened your eyes to another facet of society that has gone horribly wrong.


UPDATE: The good people of St. Peter's Parish have found a new, temporary home and held their first celebration of worship this weekend. Thanks to John in comments for this link of what was a joyous moment for them all.

Popehat Steps in it Again: FAIL

From the annals of BAD PR:

At a solemn Good Friday service, Pope Benedict XVI's personal preacher likened the tide of allegations that the pontiff has covered up sex abuse cases to the "more shameful aspects of anti-Semitism." But within hours, facing a storm of criticism at the comparison, the Vatican felt it necessary to distance the pope from the preacher's remarks.

Holy shit. Really? Didn't anyone tell him everyone's hating on the Jews right now anyway?

Kidding aside, how the hell does the Vatican get this deep into the scandal? Oh yeah, because their creepy pontiff had a hand in covering up decades of sexual abuse. Defrock them all!

Oh, and Happy Easter!

Van Mural Wednesday: Joplin n Crap!

Heheh...take a look at this Joplin-painted van.



Wait, um, that's actually kind of well done. Cheers!


Of course, I know you're not here for good examples of the art, so here you go:



Motha-fucka got a pop top for stand-up sex. Now that's a party!

(Oh, and the moon appears to be pissing a wild one)

Dog Eats Car. Awesome.

(HT Cleveland Love)

Peeving: Case and Mute

If you hear someone say "Ha! Case and point!" please smack them and remind them it's not a tennis match. Unless, of course, tennis is the subject of discussion. Then tell them they're not playing euchre.

The phrase, friends, is actually "Case in point." To elucidate, the phrase is based in the idea that you make a case against someone or something. The structure used to make a case is a listing of supporting points. The Gestalt of those points forms what is called a case. Think of it as a legal case; every piece of evidence is a point of the case against the defendant.

Therefore, "case in point" is to create the entire case in a single point or, more to wit, the fact that a single point can carry the entire case. You have an entire case in a single point or "case in point."

For example, if someone were to pose the argument that Republicans are just being choads about healthcare and you were to point out that Mitt Romney's healthcare deal in Mass was pretty much the same as Obama's but on a national level and now he's trying to reconcile that discrepancy, that would roll as a "case in point." Some might argue that Republicans being choads might qualify alone, "case in point" generally has to appeal to both sides of the argument.


If someone says "It's a mute point!" smack them. They may be getting the reference right but the word is "moot." Tell them to look it up.

That is all.

Meme Me a Meme: Me?

Stolen from Monkey's steal. No shame.

Hi, my name is: Ricky, sometimes known as E.
Never in my life have I been: Apprehended breaking and entering abandoned buildings.
The one person who can drive me nuts is: any assbag driving like shit with a Christian or Patriotic bumper sticker.
High school: was wonderful after I stood up to one dick bully in 10th grade.
When I’m nervous: I don't pay very good attention. What was the question?
The last song I listened to was: whatever's running on CBC Radio 3 - Canadian Indie music!
If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: would be questioning whether a marriage is legal if I'm already married.
My hair is: slightly wavy and slowly thinning.
When I was 5: I could control the universe. Still can with limitations now.
Last Christmas: we played Just Dance until 5am on the Wii. Yes, alcohol was involved.
I should be..: exactly what I am right now, minus about 25 lbs.
When I look down I see: the fab desk Mrs. Shambles bought me. Yes, I'm bellied-up to it.
The happiest recent event was: the reaction of Irish Dancer getting her first cell phone.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ I’d be: packing heat on the unexpected end of the series.
By this time next year: I'll be making enough in my business to hire 2 people full time.
My current gripe is: sanctimonious Republicans. Oh, you said "current?" Yeah, that's kind of always.
I have a hard time understanding: my daughter's claim of originality in a post-post-modern world.
There’s this girl I know that: needs to catch up on her DVR shows.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Mrs. Shambles, followed by parents and siblings, who would learn of it with everyone else via Twitter and Facebook.
Take my advice: Never get stoned after shots on the way to Windsor to do some gambling. You'll end up accidentally leaving Canada after they search your car in customs. But it's a good story to tell when you get back to the bar.
The thing I want to buy: is an HDTV. And after we get the credit cards done, it's all me. 3 months or so to go.
If you visited the place I was born: you'd probably be pulling into a gas station on the end of a tow truck because your car broke down between here and there.
I plan to visit: every single place that's the slightest bit different from Ohio.
If you spent the night at my house: we'd stay up late talking, laughing, and drinking.
I’d stop my wedding if: the pit bull in the clown outfit farted (yes, you can hear dog farts despite the lack of butt cheeks).
The world could do without: so much focus on the self.
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat capers.
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: video games: Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime: Corruption, Devil May Cry 3. That's not counting beer.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: cheese.
My favorite blonde is: probably forgetting something.
My favorite brunette is: me.
My favorite red head is: Mrs. Shambles.
My middle name is: John.
In the morning I: wake at 5 to make coffee for the Mrs. before she goes to work, watch MSNBC as I snooze for another hour, then figure out what leftovers are best fit for breakfast.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: bears.
Once, at a bar: I was tending and drinking and took a break to heavily make out with a patron/friend on the floor of the closed dining room.
Last night I was: Are we still talking about beer?
There’s this guy I know who: always has a story better than the one I just told, but I've got him beat.
If I was an animal I’d be: feline.
A better name for me would be: Ricky. Or Hoodie. Or Henry.
Tomorrow I am: training someone on a CMS, attending a networking meeting, and probably drinking beer.
Tonight I am: having (a) beer.
My birthday is: February 16th. Did you know that 6*6*6 = 216?

Surprise: Christian Militia Nutters Ugly Too

The Homely Army of Jesus

Crazy Christian militia goons arrested for planning domestic terrorism are ugly too? (Well, except for the distinguished gray mullet at bottom left.)Is anyone surprised?

To the gallows!


UPDATE! Apparently this team was so organized as they had several complimentary specialties, now labeled on the photo. You be the judge!


Not surprisingly, no one listed "Bible studies" or "WWJD"

Jesus Monday: A Book, a Play, a Bastard Pope

Big week in Jesus news to be sure.

Philip Pullman, author of the "His Dark Materials" has written a new book, a work of fiction, entitled Good Man Jesus, Scoundrel Christ about how Jesus had a twin named Christ that did all the exaggerated scribe work and how that played out in creating a lasting memory through the church. Looks like good stuff. Of course by "good stuff" I mean paired with sanctimonious bullshit protests and misplaced aggression of sheep-like churchies.

At Tarleton State University in Texas, a student - in participation of a theatre class - chose a play entitled Corpus Christi about the life of Jesus and the apostles...except they're all gay men. Hrm? That sounds like some good stuff! And by "good stuff" I mean the Lt. Governor douchebagging a reprimand across the airwaves, misinforming the public that the play would use taxpayer dollars after having, well, NOT read or seen the play. And...scene. The professor cancelled the performance, folded like a house of cards under a Texas-sized ass.

Ah, but the real story is all the flack Popehat is pulling down on himself and the Church because a couple hundred priests molested a couple thousand little boys. No biggie, right? Nothing that can't get swept under the rug, right?

Let's do a quick recap from last week's post: Pope Ratzie lambasted the Irish Church in saying they handled things incorrectly when dealing with the molestation cases. But Ratzie himself was the one holding the broom when he himself was an archbishop, holding strong to the line of "keep it secret."


Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan appears as a caricature of religion and faith in his goon robe and wooden throne.

The archbishop above came out and called the Pope's predicament much like that of Jesus being accused unjustly. Um, no; calling someone to task for covering up and/or not reporting a crime to the proper authorities is the very definition of justice. The "unjust" part of the story might have been the priests who abused their power and authority to steal the innocence from little boys.

Even Sinead O'Connor has an op-ed piece in the Washington Post dissecting some of the bullshit and calling the original apology letter "hollow."

It'll be interesting to see how it all plays out. Will the Pope step down? Will the magnitude of the scandal collapse the backbone of the whole Catholic structure? We can dream.

Seahorses Forever

A classic from '03: Drinking Out of Cups

Van Mural ...I Almost Forgot!

Getting all politicky this week, I almost forgot about our standard Van Mural shot for the week. Enjoy!



I hope they wash those feet...

Friday Videos: Daneboe Mashups - and a FAIL

I just found Daneboe and GagFilms and their wonderful video game mashups. So let's hit it with:

Mortal Kombat vs. Donkey Kong




Sonic vs. Pac Man




Contra vs. Duck Hunt




Girl Motorcycle FAIL

I think people would be more surprised if someone posted a woman who could ride a bike.

No You Can't (Featuring John Boehner)

Get a Diaper: The Republicans Are Shitting Everywhere

Today Republicans are shutting down ALL hearings in the Senate, including discussions on homeless vets, feeding children, and our military status with North Korea.

To all the Republican Senate: Grow a fucking sack you goddamned eunuchs. You are full of bullshit, everyone knows that, and you are now playing the key role of the whiny little baby.

On second thought: keep on ya bastards. No one's going to re-elect some temper-tantrum mess of a human being. And that's exactly what you all are: a sad excuse for a politician and a sad excuse for a human.

I hope your spouses get used to your diapers quickly; no one likes a shitty-smelling senator. Even if you've always smelled like that.


Sidenote: Palin is touting reloading on her Twitter, PAC is target-happy and Beck is thinking out loud about picking up a gun. I give it 5 days until another violent act is committed based on government actions and fueled by these right wing nutters.

Those Dang World-Dominating Gays

As you know, homosexuals are trying to take over America and make everyone participate in a big LGBT orgy. If you don't believe it, then you better take a good look at the email I got from Human Events today including these points on the Homosexual Agenda:

*** Special job rights for homosexuals and lesbians. Businesses may have to adopt hiring quotas to protect themselves from lawsuits. Every homosexual fired or not hired becomes a potential federal civil rights lawsuit.

Radical homosexuals will terrorize day care centers, hospitals, churches and private schools. Traditional moral values will be shattered by federal law.

*** Same-sex marriages and adoptions. Wedding-gown clad men smooching before some left-wing clergy or state official is just the beginning.

You'll see men hand-in-hand skipping down to adoption centers to "pick out" a little boy for themselves.

*** Homosexual advocacy in schools. Your children or grandchildren will be taught homosexuality is moral, natural and good. High school children will learn perverted sex acts as part of "safe sex" education.

With condoms already handed out in many schools, Radical Homosexuals will have little trouble adopting today's "if it feels good do it" sex-ed curriculum to their agenda.

Still don't believe it? Check out Eugene Delgaudio's Hardy Boys tale of woe:

One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.

As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.

Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.

My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, "Delgaudio what are you doing here?" Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.

As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, "This time Delgaudio we can't lose."

Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Radical Homosexuals could win.

Zounds! They almost had their greasy homo hands all over him!

So what is Eugene trying to get you to do? Fill out an American Morality Survey, of course. The "Public Advocate of the United State's 2010 American Morality Survey. That's right: United State's.



And when you go to the American Morality Survey, they even have it all set up so you don't even have to read any of the questions: Every one is already set to "No." How considerate!

Now, even if you are one of those secret homo-agents and decide to click "Yes" for all questions instead of "No," and fill in your information, you'll still end up on a page that says:

Dear Eugene,

I don’t support the Homosexual Agenda!

Please use my survey to prove to Congress, President Barack Obama and the media that Radical Homosexuals are lying about me! You can count on me to stand with you.

...and asks you to pay for your donation with Mastercard or Visa. Take that you faggies!

To Summarize:
If you're afraid of gay people and don't know how to emotionally deal with that and know you can't go huntin' fags and don't want to think too much, here's your way out. Just hand over your money to Eugene and he'll take care of it for you.

But remember: Public Advocate was founded as a non-profit tax-exempt educational group under section 501(c)4 of the IRC. Because Public Advocate lobbies to stop the Homosexual Agenda, contributions to Public Advocate are not tax-deductible.

And don't forget to beat your wife, watch Beck, and spit on a Mexican today!

Limbaugh Just Makes Shit Up About Net Neutrality

Net Neutrality is how it works now. Here's a little video tutorial:



But last week, Rush Limbaugh decided to tell all his listeners that Obama was trying to cram net neutrality down America's throats, that net neutrality means that when you search the internet Obama wants to mandate that if it is an area of controversy that the search results reflect both sides of the argument.

Wait, what? That's not just misinformation or twisting of actual words or bills, it's a malicious fabrication, a LIE intended to spawn fear and anger in his listeners towards the president because the fear he's instilling in them over health care reform has apparently reached capacity.

His backing argument? It took a while to get his website listed high in the rankings. Well Rush, since you don't know a goddamned thing about the internet, let alone search engines, maybe you should shut the fuck up. (NOTE: Rush's home page contains little content, mostly links, and few conventions of optimization.)

WTF?!

Everyone's entitled to free speech and people are entitled to be wrong, but this is shouting FIRE in a dark movie theater. And that is dangerous.

Health Care: It's a GO!

Kinda. You may recall last week's lethargic cheerleading about the issue, a slight disappointment in Kooch for folding, and a general disappointment with the Democratic Party in letting the destruct-all Republicans run so much of the show.

Right now, behind me, Obama is signing the bill on television. (And yes, I have every belief that Nancy Pelosi will masturbate with the signing pen she just received.) Not one Republican showed up.

But in the words of our president, let me be clear. I do support this bill. I stayed up until 1am on Monday morning watching all the drama and venom and, in the end, success. Here's why:

1. Stupak, in the rebuttal of the motion to recommit, nailed it down: this bill will save lives, and anyone who says they are "for" life should be voting for it. And it will. And all the sanctimony the Republicans can muster for any words spilling out their gobs about helping people will fall flat for years to come because of their absolute staunch anti-support of this bill. It will save lives in both a figurative and literal sense.

2. Nancy Pelosi, on Sunday night, mentioned that a woman getting beaten by her husband is a pre-existing condition. It's true in 8 states and DC. And Glenn Beck was just on the radio making fun of her, making fun of her statement, and calling it all bullshit, "2 + 2 is 5!" he shouted. But it's not. And the Republicans and the talk show hosts are just going to continue to LIE about everything so their awful myrmidon army will continue to believe and re-spout the vomit they ingested. So Glenn Beck? He can suck it. Hannity? Suck it. Limbaugh? Suck it. Neidermeyer? Suck it!


The right will continue to fight against Obama tooth and nail but his win here made him stronger. And the more the right lies and whines and just screams "NO!" like a kid curled up in the candy aisle of Kroger, the more they hurt their own credibility and slowly some of their base will begin to crumble. The rest will stay ignorant, suckling at the teat for the milk of falsehood from the speakers of their pickup trucks.

That Pope Could Use a Little Irish

And by "Irish" I mean a punch in the fucking mouth.

Pope Ratzie recently wrote a letter to the Irish Church, bitching them out for the mis-steps in handling the rampant cases of child abuse.

What he doesn't mention in the scolding letters is the role he himself played in hushing up the scandal as Archbishop Joseph Ratzinger of Munich by demanding abuse cases be reported to the Vatican in secret (and no mention of proper authorities). Not to mention that whomever is two farts away from an oxygen machine in that little Reno in Rome is constantly sending out mixed messages about who's to blame and what should be done about the issue while victimized families all over the world wait with baited breath for order and accountability that'll show sometime around 2210. The two Irish bishops currently offering their resignations? Popehat won't accept them.

I don't believe much of anything good has come out of the Vatican in a very long time. And they wonder why Catholicism's popularity is waning. Irrelevant? Irreverent? Unaccountable? Horribly disorganized? Pick one.

Health Care: Caring Too Much or Not Enough?

Just let me work through this. We'll all be better off for it.

First of all, let me be plain that this is a futile exercise because it is based upon a premise that will never be: that I will get a shot at putting down a vote for or against the health care bill as it stands.

The Right Wrong Machine

I listen to the right. A lot more than I should. I know it's "more" because all the idiocy and lies and bullshit and fear-fear-fear makes me numb, makes me reluctant to get in the pool and when I do I tire quickly and leave early. And it makes the next dive all the more painful.

These people - if I may be so bold to address the Rightist Wingist as such - have no idea that their blind rage and hate and diametric opposition to anything at all Democratic or Liberal (or Black) is actually hurting the country.

They keep their listeners ignorant and therefore keep listeners (see following post on Rush and Net Neutrality). They say they support reform but when asked how present straw man arguments like state line expansion. They have no desire to help so long as helping means turning off the fat insurance CEOs that line their pockets. Because that's Capitalism!

And in the meantime Glenn Beck tells CPAC that he learned socialism was bad by going to the library because "books are free."

I'm tired. I'm numb. I'm tired.


The Left Wrong Wing

I respect the fact that we have the first female Speaker evar, but for fuck's sake, did it have to be Pelosi? She's twitchy, inattentive, and a little too close to what someone would consider coked-up. We should ask Bush on this one. She is not a viable, solid, staunch leader. Leaders need to be staunch. She is not staunch. No staunchness. Staunchless.

And what do we as the left wing come up with? Health Care Reform all in caps! Kinda. No, not really.

Wait, how'd that happen?

We started with a robust, dream-filled jelly roll of wonder: Single payer marmalade, public option buttercream, and fuck-the-insurance-companies fudge sauce. But then the Right said "You do that and we're going to take our ball and go home!"

So we said "Okay, we'll play a little your way."

"NO! I said NO!"

"Okay, here's a little more..."

And on and on until someone on the left woke up and realized that the jelly roll of wonder had turned into a cold crepe that fell behind the stove three weeks ago and these douchebags weren't going to play ball with us. Ever. They were just going to bitch away the time to scare the shit out of America to make sure the left couldn't get anything done.

No one realized we were the ones holding the ball the whole time.


About That Crepe

So now we get tough and everyone's shopping up reasons we can - and should - still eat. I'm not talking about reconciliation. Reagan passed his whole econ drama with it. I'm talking about some of the "deeming" shit that's come down the pike the past few days.

And the crepe? It kind of sucks. I don't care how much you knock out your spices and skills. It fell behind the stove three weeks ago. It's going to be not so nice.

But then, you're not just talking to regular folks who've had the snot beat out of them by the insurance companies like most of us; we're discussing the starving kids too.

We're left with, well, let's look at Obama's push in Ohio and the tale of Natoma Canfield. I understand and agree that Natoma got screwed by the system. But the bill Obama's pushing in her name still lets insurance companies use the pre-existing condition for 4 years - 4 years! And that's a death sentence for any number of hundreds of thousands of Americans even if this mess gets passed.

I hope Natoma can live on dog food for 4 years.

And that's where I'm on the fence.

(Note: I know the Cleveland Clinic has come forward about charity and said they'd never place a lien on her home. No shit. You'd put her into collections and they'd do that dirty work for you. That's how it happens and saying otherwise is counting every American as ignorant.)


So Say You're Dennis Kucinich

I'm a fan. I was a 35-percenter in the last election. Hell, I grew up in Parma, OH. Do you vote it down because the bill still gives insurance companies the upper hand? Because it literally mandates everyone get health care with the evil conglomerates that this bill is supposed to phase out or at least rein in?

Do you vote up just to get something passed? Do you vote up in hopes that eventually we'll make it work? Do you vote up because the bullshit statement of the corporate-hungry right wing to start from a blank piece of paper is, well, bullshit?

Who wins?

The Republicans, even if we pass it, have already done their duty of stripping it down enough to say it's worthless. The Democrats have already sat on their hands long enough that it's only a little better than what we have now.

So I ask again: who wins? Do you win? Is there a winner? Is there ever a winner in politics? Is there ever a winner in politics when the right and the left have it out so much for each other that no one remembers what we're fighting for?

I abstain. And self-prescribe Miller Time.

Silicone and Penises. Or, Really, Just One Penis

This is real video and interview of what happens after 6 years of injecting silicone into a penis (and apparently balls). NSFW!!!! Evar! Even if you have a home office!

If you do decide to view, just think of it - as described by the carrier of the monstrosity - as a different way to view and understand what a penis actually is.


via videosift.com