MF'ing Tea Party Represent!

On some of my forum lists, I get some crazy right-wing folks that rebut everything bad about the Tea Party or the GOP in general with "it's a left-wing plot" or "well, [insert Democrat name here] did something similar." But we're going to the polls on Tuesday. All of us. And here's a list, albeit small (comments about crazy I missed welcome - I will update). This is why the Tea Party scares the shit out of me:

• Rand Paul supporters stop on the head of a female protestor - stomper identified as Rand's campaign coordinator. Rand himself has stated that he wouldn't have voted for the 1964 Civil Rights Act and wants to abolish the Americans with Disabilities Act.
• Juan Williams was fired from NPR for compromising his integrity as a journalist. His other sealed deal was at FOX News. NPR Received a bomb threat.
• Glenn Beck inspired wannabe domestic terrorist Byron Williams who went to California to kill members of the ACLU and Tides foundation.
• Glenn Beck attacked Kathy Tate-Bradish from the League of Women Voters for not being enthusiastic about reciting the pledge (because it was not included in the fomal debate format agreed to by candidates beforehand) at a debate with candidates from 8th District in Illinois. She has since recieved death threats now being investigated by the FBI.
• Sharron Angle believes in the complete banning of abortion. In cases of rape or incest, she believes if pregnancy occurs it is part of God's plan and lemonade should be made out of such lemons. She once spoke out against flouride as a communist plot and suggested support for making alcohol illegal as recently as February of this year. She believes it is unacceptable and wrong for both parents to actually hold jobs simultaneously. She continues to use stereotypical images of scary Mexicans (one proven to be a stolen stock photo of Mexicans in Mexico) to drive her campaign.
• Christine O'Donnell had some experience with witchcraft years ago. While I don't find a problem with that, I do find a problem with every ultra-Christian sweeping it under the rug when - were she a Democrat - it would be open season on "How Christian is She?" She was filmed in the mid-90's for MTV speaking out against masturbation. In her last debate, she repeatedly voiced a lack of understanding of the meaning (and existence and location) of what is commonly known as the separation of church and state. She was unclear on which Amendments to the constitution she might want to repeal saying "I’m sorry, I didn’t bring my Constitution with me." She also is apparently unable to name even one Democratic Senator.
• The Tea Party Nation thinks there is only one Muslim member of congress (K. Ellison) and that he's not just a Muslim but supports terrorists. Kareem Abdul Jabar was not contacted for comment.
• Ken Buck, running in Colorado, says "I disagree strongly with the concept of separation of church and state. It was not written into the Constitution." He has said he wants to get rid of the Department of Energy and gut the Department of Education. He agrees with Sharron Angle on rape and incest.
• Joe Miller, running in Alaska, talks about privatizing social security and medicare. Agrees with total abortion banning despite rapre or incest, wants to kill the Dept. of Education, and thinks unemployment benefits are not "constitutionally authorized." He illegally used government computers for political purposes, lied about it, lied about it again, then, cornered, admitted it and resigned. (Wait, are they changing the state motto to "Alaska is for Quitters"?)
• (FYI, imagine a world where Bush the Lesser succeeded in privatizing social security, as was a well-spoken goal, just before the downturn)
• Stephen Broden, running for Congress in Texas, said that if the GOP doesn't take the win, then the violence option "is on the table," saying "we have a right to get rid of that government and to get rid of it by any means necessary."
• As to violence, locally Rep. Driehaus was threatened when his home address by a right-wing blogger - after a reported death threat. Oops! Rep. Tom Perriello's (D-VA) brother's address was posted by a Tea Party blogger (potentially out of ignorance) and the gas line outside his house was cut. Nine members of the "Hutaree militia," reportedly associated with a radical right-wing patriot movement, were arrested for planning a government overthrow. Rep. Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz.) said in a statement he shut down his Yuma district office after staff members discovered a bullet had shattered a window there. Authorities said U.S. Judge Susan Bolton received hundreds of threats at her downtown Phoenix court offices after issuing the injunction.

So it appears violence is accepted, bloody revolt is hinted at, the strength of someone's Christian faith will only be measured if you're a Democrat, every Muslim is a Satanic Terrorist, science isn't science if it hinders oil corporations, and some other things that can only be described by a reasonable society as crazy are in full effect.

Scarier: some of these people are going to win.

Scarier even: These are examples. There is no broad brush. The Tea Party is all over the map on policy and intensity and the RNC is treating this schizophrenic pit bull like a lap dog. It's going to bite.

My only solace in Republican winnings on Tuesday is that America is fickle, more and more fickle and responsive as time goes on and attention spans drop off like a Republican's pants in an airport bathroom stall. 2 years ago America shouted "Republicans suck!" And now, because of that attention span and Republican obstructionism, they're saying "Change is good, but not fast enough!"

Let them take it on Tuesday. They America will see the plan-less suckshit in full effect. And with a condensing attention span and no reliable candidates, they'll be done in 2012.

A Weekend of (not so good) Movies

I've been rocking some funeral action the past couple days (Mrs. Shambles' grandma), so I haven't been around so much. But before all the craziness began I had a slow weekend of movies, movies, movies. Here's a list, lite reviews, no real spoilers.

Let's imagine a baseline x-axis line representing time and the y-axis at zero to mark indifference where anything above is pleasurable and below is poop. How about a crappy image to better explain it:



So averaging the basic feel of the movie over time, we can come up with a high of 5, low of -5. Let's get going!

Hereafter



Theatre time! Yay: popcorn, pop, stadium seating! And a mediocre movie. The acting was fine, the directing worked well, special effects in the beginning were solid, but the pace sucked the life out of me. We went with my parents and my mother at one point let out a honking blurt of a snore, probably seconds before I would've. Dragging is an understatement. I would've wanted to punch Matt Damon and Clint Eastwood in the dick after the movie, but my eyes were half closed and I just wanted to sleep. The only redeeming portion? You're looking at her above: Bryce Dallas Howard. For all of 20 minutes :(

I'll give it a 0.75 - not much negative, but a whole lot of zero.


MacGruber



One of my friends turned off this movie after 20 minutes, referring to it as a diaper bag. I decided it was my personal mission to make it through - with force if necessary - the entire movie. And honestly, the first 20 minutes were pretty good compared to the rest of it.

2 mildly tolerable items: The scene in the coffee shop in the preview where the woman is screaming and everyone thinks she's crazy? Funniest. Term "Upper Decker" - taking a dump in the tank of the toilet instead of the bowl. Humorous. The rest of the movie was deplorable from the writing to the humor to the acting to the concept that it is supposed to be a parody. I would've been angry but the movie sucked my will to live with its redemption-less badness.

-3, and probably only that high because I was drinking beer.


Jonah Hex



Comic book adaptation - if you like that Wild Wild West kinda thing, it's for you. Mostly action, short on story, alternate history science fiction fun! It's got Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, and not nearly enough Megan Fox. Gadgets, 'splosions, and a couple laughs. One of those "enjoy it for what it is" movies. Please don't look for answers to great mysteries; you will be disappointed.

2.25 as none of it was painful and I have a soft spot for comics, sci-fi, and special effects.


The Ruins

Spring break kids find an old ruin with bad plants. There's really nothing more to the story except watching them die.

1.0 for an interesting concept and the kid from the Black Donnelleys.


The Happening



Yeah, more on the plants. M. Night Shyamalan did this one. What a twist! End of the world...but for what? Yay Zooey, yay special effects, mild boo to the working of an atmosphere of fear.

1.25 for no solid negative and it didn't totally suck. Worth an hour+ of your life, but for god's sake don't buy it - borrow or steal.

Today's Brunette: Alexi Wasser

You may know Alexi from a bit part in Cabin Fever 2 or her Peppermint Patties commercial. She's so lovely that she'll be picking up a part in a 30-minute comedy called Boycrazy on Showtime. Wonderful!

"Real Christians" Make Jesus Spew Hate

I was reading a great piece over at Right Wing Watch talking about how a coalition of "Real Christians" are speaking out to say that bullying is very, very wrong - but homosexuality is worse!

A chunk of their Mandate of Crazy states:

Authentic Christians will remember several key concepts from Scripture:

1. Homosexual behavior is always a sin, God's plan for sexuality is male/female marriage, and God has not changed His mind about this (Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22; Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 1:24-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

2. Jesus described marriage as the union of one man and one woman, and that humans were created male and female "from the beginning." Gender change is a defiant and ungrateful sin against God's direction and design (Matthew 19:4-6)

Yes! Authentic Christians unite ...to LIE about the Bible. You'll note that both #1 and #2 have one thing in common: Matthew 19:4-6 They're claiming that Jesus specifically states that marriage is only to be between a man and a woman. Wait a second, I don't remember Jesus talking about homosexuality - evar! Well, let's just see what Jesus says.

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Holy shit, that kinda sounds like they said it does, that Jesus is all about one man, one woman. Hold on a second. That last word, "separate," seems a little strange. Maybe it'll make more sense if we read more than 3 verses out of context.

Matthew 19

Divorce

[1]When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. [2]Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
[3]Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

So in a spat of double irony, Jesus, a man known only for peace, love, and acceptance, is having his words twisted to justify violence, hate, and exclusion. They achieve this by using a quote about divorce - something Jesus obviously had an opinion on but always gets glossed over because Christians accept divorce occasionally - to condemn homosexuality - something Jesus never mentioned but gets a lot of flack from Christians because it's icky.

I guess only an Authentic Christian is allowed the luxury of twisting God's written word to further man-made societal constructs.

[Note on Leviticus: Christians - STOP using it to knock homosexuality. Yes, it says man + man = abomination. But in Leviticus 18:18 says the same thing about wearing clothing woven of two different fabrics. So if you're using that as your justification, wearing a cotton/rayon blend is the same as homosexual sex.]

Cleveland. Great Lakes Christmas Ale. Nuff Said.

Punching Teenage Girls in the Face

Sorry folks, we're going to get a touch personal. And you're going to get pissed off. It's either write this post or do a shot of bourbon at 11am. And depending on how this goes, don't be surprised if this post disappears in a day or two so the story can be detached and reassembled with my real persona.

There's a boy at Irish Dancer's school. He's not a nice boy. In fact, he has a bit of a history talking shit to young ladies and has expanded his repertoire this year to smacking a few with the reason that they are girls and girls only speak when spoken to. Obviously, you don't learn that kind of behavior from your buddies or video games.

This past Friday he was getting into Irish Dancer's face at lunch time and having had enough she told him to "back the fuck off." He punched her in the mouth.

Allow me to let that soak in: A 14-year old boy punched a 14-year old girl in the mouth. She was afraid to retaliate because the VPrincipal was like 20 feet away.

Yes, she is okay. Lip bleeding, she talked to a trusted teacher and then to her counselor. And then? Then the weekend came. No, that's not odd; the weekend comes every week end, but this happened over 3 hours before school was over and we didn't get a phone call, the kid was still in school, and, well, let me just continue.

[Breaknote: What the fuck!? I'm not that old, and when I was in HS in the early 90's if a boy hit a girl in the face, no loyalties or social divisions would exist for him. He was getting knocked down at least once during lunch with a guaranteed jumping after school. You don't fucking hit a girl. EVAR! My belief on why there was no retaliation? We live in a snooty little upper-class suburb where most of the kids are spoiled, entitled, and stoned. I guess that's what we get for moving into a neighborhood where we don't fit so ID can get a great education.]

Mrs. Shambles and I calmed ID, made sure she understood she did nothing wrong, that he was the one way the hell out of line, and that what he did no one should ever do - or have to put up with. I know that sounds simple, but that's the reassurance just about everyone needs in a situation like that.

So after some bourbon, beers, breathing, and talking it over the weekend, we both walked in Monday morning (yesterday) with one clear goal: This kid would be removed from the 2 classes they shared. But when we got there and met with the Vice Principal, he had NO knowledge of anything happening on Friday. Shocked, all we could do was let him know and wait for him to do the due process thing before passing on our expectations.

Within 90 minutes, VP interviewed ID, witnesses, and bad kid and confirmed it with the video (our taxes are at least purchasing something useful). Bad kid was suspended - for 3 days. And ...that was it. He left school early yesterday.

So I spoke with VP again today, expressed our need to have the kid removed from ID's classes. Nope, he didn't agree. He ascertained that bad kid was impulsive, but not dangerous, and the school's kinda small so they'd end up seeing each other in the halls anyway.

What?! Okay, final card: FYI, we're looking at pursuing filing a police report. "Well, that would be your prerogative."

*brain explodes*


So in a world where all of the media is horny as hell for another bully story, in a school where a boy has a history of verbally and physically abusing young ladies, this boy escalates to assault (an offence listed in the student handbook as punishable by expulsion) - of which they have video proof - but they do not want to ensure the psychological well-being of my daughter because they don't think it's necessary to mess up his schedule.


So even though ID said she doesn't want to go to the police, she doesn't want him in her classes more, so if she agrees we'll be taking her this afternoon to make a statement. Luckily it's a softball event; the school has video proof, so there's no question to her integrity. Bad kid also apparently has had a few run-ins with the local police, so this might get bad for him.

And we might take it media if we feel the need. Every local station is drooling for a national connection. But that might mean making ID a spectacle and all we really want is for the kid to be out of her classes, not more of a circus.


Comments, thoughts, advice always appreciated.

(UPDATE & RESOLUTION in Comments)

Pro-Life Protest Particularly Apropos

Awwwshitt. You know what's gonna happen tomorrow? This is! W00t!

Tens of thousands of pro-life students in high schools, middle schools and colleges and universities across the country will take a vow of silence tomorrow. They will refuse to speak to their friends and teachers because they are representing the voices of millions of unborn children killed in abortions.

Hell, I'd go just for the free red tape.

No, hold on a minute. There's something serious happening here, happening tomorrow, happening all across the country, and it is making a somewhat redundant but wholly unified and powerful statement: Religious conservatives do not, nor will they ever truly understand the very basics of symbolism.

Allow me to explain to the dim: You're putting a piece of red tape over your mouth, preventing you from speaking, and writing LIFE on it. You're already into the realm of sex and babies so let's take that red and us it as an allusion of sin and shame like lovely Hester Pryne. And then let's seal it with LIFE.

You kinda look like you're on the other side.

A woman walking around with red tape labeled LIFE over her mouth in a protest situation says to me: The outside-imposed sin, the religion-into-policy, the government-up-in-your lady parts is trying to alter the laws in this country, and is charging towards a religion-based, a Sharia law all of it's fucking own, where a woman has NO say over her own body and must have that child despite choice, despite rape, despite incest. Her voice is no more.

And you'd better keep an ear out on birth control because the nutters pushing this bullshit don't wantcha fucking with a condom either because their image of a perfect world is every family in the US of Jesus as devout Christians breedin' like the Duggars until we burst our seams to all of North America of the Bible and ship the QEIII over full of damn kids to march on the Holy Land and kick them Palestinians out like worked with that Childrens' Crusade! Oh, wait...

Anyway, one more notch in the "Conservatives don't understand" belt: Humor, Technology, and ~*NEW*~ Symbolism.

Hannity Blurb

Just before Sean Hannity busted into his on-air pimping of LegalZoom.com, he blurted out: "Ah, profit, a horrible word except for those of us who believe in freedom!"

Dear Sean: You have built such a meandering level of logic on which you make basic assumptions and connections that sometimes a single sentence comes out making so little sense that it sounds like a bizzare child's concoction, like "Chocolate in my ears tastes like bananas, plastic face!"


Sidenote: Caveat Emptor on anything shilled by right wing radio. Legal Zoom may be a help to some folks, but - for example - the minimum fee charged to help form an LLC is $99 (it goes up to $359) + state fee. But in Ohio, it already costs $125 to form an LLC, and by "form" I mean fill out about 5 lines of information and send a check to the state. What the hell are they charging for?

Okay, so secondary note on shilling: Carbonite costs about $55/yr and uses up bandwidth on your internet connection and only goes as fast as your upload speed (basically takes lots of time and makes your system slow), but you can get a solid Terabyte drive (That's 1,000 GB or 1,000,000 MB) for about $100 and if the internet's down, you have control and ownership of that drive.

And don't even get me started on Goldline. Seriously, if you don't know how Glenn Beck is raping his listeners with that, look it up. It'll make you really mad.

Comics Can Get Weird

I'm a huge fan of comic books, though my activity has waned over the years. I grew into it in the early 90's with the debut of Hellraiser and Sandman, a reboot of X-Men, The Infinity Gauntlet, and on and on.

And since I don't get around (or didn't) as much as others, the unread storylines and varying origin tales always fascinate me. And Wikipedia, while not allowing for the relevance of a page for most smaller businesses, has not only an extensive page for every single Pokemon character, but every comic book character as well as every major comic book storyline.

It is within those descriptors of tales unread that I can sometimes get lost, knowing well I will never own a million comic books or have the time to read them.

But today I stumbled upon the Wikipedia page for Marvel's Hulked Out Heroes thread. Please read below carefully and understand I am making NONE of this up - and neither is the hive mind that put it together (emphasis my exasperation):

Bob, Agent of HYDRA sends Hulkpool (a gamma-powered Deadpool) back in time using the machine Red Hulk used to send Thundra to the future so he may kill himself. However, he meets with a Blackbeard the Pirate version of Thing (and way back in time) and after moving a storm and sending away Johny and Reed (who were trying to get to Thing), he becomes his pirate until the police of the time attack him with a monster. He and the Thing attempt to defeat him, but dinosaurs arrive thanks to Bob's mistake of how to use the machine while trying to take back Hulkpool. They defeat them and Thing asks if Bob can get him to his time. Hulkpool says yes and the Thing leaves with them taking a dinosaur with him. They then arrive to the Old West in 1873 where Hawkeye is lost in time and dinosaurs are released everywhere but Bob sends them back in time (including Thing and Hawkeye) but Hulkpool is sent when Captain America was losing Bucky and decides to save him.[2] While in an alternate reality's version of World War II, Hulkpool manages to kill that reality's versions of Adolf Hitler, Red Skull, and Deadpool as well as stop every superhero from becoming, i.e. stopping Spider-Man from being bitten by the Spider, or Doctor Strange from having his car crash.. Hulkpool [3]

Elsewhere, a battle broke out between the Hulkified versions of Spider-Man and Thor (known as the Spider-Hulk and Thorr respectively).

So is this clever or hard-up for ideas or LSD? WTF?

Imperial Stars, Fuck You

Band PR FAIL

There's this band, Imperial Stars. They had a meeting 2 weeks ago with their PR team that probably went something like this:

IS:So what's the next big stunt, the next big thing?

PR-Co.: Okay, follow me here. You've got that song Traffic Jam 101

IS: Yeah, cause we, like, party like rock stars every chance we get, like even in a traffic jam, holmes.

PR: Right, so it's Traffic Jam 101. So you "cause" a traffic jam on the 101, but it's really like a free show and - BAM! - it's a free concert flash mob all rolled into one!

IS: Bomb diggidy. We'll send you a check.

So these asshats drove up the 101 in their big ol' Imperial Stars truck this morning and around Sunset Blvd. pulled a sideways stop, blocking 3 lanes, and started performing their song, Traffic Jam 101.

If anyone has had the unfortunate experience of driving the 101 in LA, any time day or night it's a goddamned mess, a powder keg ready to explode. And these guys took it to a standstill. It's a good thing the cops showed up because they'd probably be dead. And all this to sing a shitty song about partying all the time. Earth to Imperial Stars: Lots of things happen on the 101 - swearing, smoking, horn-honking, sweating, brief pit-stops - but none of those things is partying.

For their next PR gig, the Imperial Stars will make every line in every Starbucks 8 people longer all the time, extend the pain of kidney stones to the entire body, and make rape 50% more humiliating.

I can't even imagine the people who might've lost a job or missed an interview or wasn't there to pick up their kid.

Imperial Stars: FUCK YOU.

Oh, and if you're so morbidly curious that you must - absolutely must - see their video, here it is for you in all its misery. I suggest NO, but I know you will. But really: don't.



Seriously: this isn't something put together by the Dick in a Box folks? This is a real band? Deplorable.

Let's Do a Drudge Wrap!

No, not a Drudge rap. That would just be silly. I'm just going to point out a couple things on the Drudge Report website today so you can go directly to the links and not feed into any of his fraudulent, bullshit rankings. Sub-headings are the links, all of which - as always - open in a new window or tab. And it's not all political BS either, more like a general news day wrap.

Fatty Trompe l'Oeil
It's the nanny state! Or so that's the general call to arms alluded to in even posting this story.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is giving $2 million to food behavior scientists to use marketing tricks to encourage kids to pick fruits and veggies over cookies and french fries.

Oh noes! Gubmit spending too!?!

Hell, we've got a country full of mommies and daddies (literal or figurative pundits) doing nothing but bitching that the kids are fat. If the nanny's the only one willing to do something about it: bring in the motherfuckin' nanny!


Boo Hoo Mortgage Man
Some guy put a huge sign on his lawn because he's in foreclosure. And ... wait for it ... I kinda agree with the conservative comments on this one.

THE ACREAGE, Fla. - Juan Guzman has a large, lawn-wide sign in his front yard labeled 'JP Morgan Chase help.' It's his last hope to save his dream home.

The Acreage man built his house in 2007 but couldn't handle the mortgage payment of $3,600 a month.

He said he tried negotiating a lower loan from his bank but it wouldn't budge.

Last year Guzman became unemployed and now his house is in foreclosure.

Woah, woah, buddy. You built a home and right off the bat couldn't handle the mortgage? Then you lost your job? Yes, banks are teh debil adn need to be reined in, but you don't get a pass for shitty planning and plain stupidity. Your mortgage was $3600/mo!!! Sorry bud; ya done fucked up. Walk away and downsize.


Condi's Condo!

Um, there was this story about Condoleezza Rice but it was too boring even for commentary. Click above if you need a nap.


Paladino n Cuomo, Sittin in a Tree...

You live in one of the most diverse cities in the world. You want to be Governor of the state. You probably shouldn't berate gay people.

Here's the 411: if you live in New York and are GLBT or know someone who is or don't know someone who is but agree with equal rights or don't even totally agree with same sex marriage but don't want to be associated with dirty guido bigots, vote for Cuomo.

If you like berating people because of how they were born - you know, like openly making fun of short people or ugly people or black people or someone with a lisp or mentally challenged kids - and happily identify with knuckle-dragging bully assholes everywhere, punch it for Paladino.

Seriously, I'm expecting Paladino's next attack to be "Heh heh, his name's Cuomo. That's almost like cum and dat's wat fags eats. Ha! Blammo!"


Band PR FAIL

I'm sorry. I went way too rant-y on this one, had to give it its own post. Enjoy!


Strange Signal From Discovered Planet?

Following the Sept. 29 announcement of the discovery of Gliese 581g, astronomer Ragbir Bhathal, a scientist at the University of Western Sydney, claimed to have detected a suspicious pulse of light nearly two years ago, that came from the same area of the galaxy as the location of Gliese 581g, according to the U.K.'s Daily Mail online.

Holy shit. At this point I don't care. The planet's 20.5 LY away. Somebody's got a year to get space transport that'll take us 75% of the speed of light (I'm talkin' to YOU Virgin Galactic!) and get me on that rocket and BLAM! I'm oribiting a distant red dwarf with a Biggie Size Earth before I'm 70 and maybe see a distant alien life in person before I die. Awesome. And...go!

Parody - Bullies Who Target Gays: It Gets Worse

You might have seen the reposting of the "It Gets Better" I snagged from BoingBoing.

If not, watch it. Then watch this. It gets better. :)


IT GETS WORSE
Uploaded by FirstLastName. - More video blogs and vloggers.

Christine O'Donnell Parody Video

"I'm not a witch..."



Brilliant! via BoingBoing

Rant + Bitchin' Camero

I was just looking for Bitchin' Camero, but found a fab rant by Rodney ...FOLLOWED by Bitchin' Camero and VFW. Tits!

O'Donnell as a Witch

Why hasn't this been done yet?

Upon seeing the Photoshop, O'Donnell responded "The photo is obviously a fake. People only turn green when they masturbate, and everyone knows my stance on that. Um...that is a Photoshop, right?"

(feel free to copy, steal, etc.)

Terrorist Popcorn Retards Unite!

Note: I do not intend to insult retarded people, only terrorists. Thank you.

Today I was reading about the complete moron and failure of a terrorist Faisal Shahzad and how he got a life sentence in court today as a terrorist and overall bad guy.

For those of you unfamiliar with or harboring short attention spans, Faisal Shahzad (not to be confused with Fievel Mousekewitz) is the "terrorist" who filled a Range Rover with propane tanks and low-grade fertilizer and basically started the car on fire. Smoke alerted bystanders something was wrong. They snagged Fievel trying to leave the country.

~~F-Shaz~~ has a retarded knowledge of anything terrorist and a wonderful mastery over poking us Americans - verbally - in the ass. Is that what they're teaching those kids in terrorist camps these days? He is an epic FAIL in bomb-making and hurting people but was able to convince a judge - by words - that he's a terrorist, hates America, would've joined the jihad on 9/11-- this guy's a goddamned wannabe! A Poseur! He shows up to a NIN concert in '99 like Pretty Hate Machine was just released and he's the only one who's heard of it!

*groans with hands over temples*


Let's work with a hypothetical for a second, shall we?

I am a retarded terrorist. I've read all the crazy extremist stuff I could find on the internets and want to burn down America. So where do I start? Well, I rent a Range Rover (cause, seriously, who can afford that shit in this economy?) Wait, sorry. I have to rent a van because I already made the graphic and don't want to change it.

SO I rent a van and build a large cage in the back of the van lined with window screen I got from Home Depot. I hired a Hispanic to put it together. But then I had to kill him because he'd know my plan. NO! Wait, sorry, skip that Hispanic part - it complicates my plans. Say, now, I put my cage together and lined it with window screen.

...and filled it with popcorn kernels.

BUT! about halfway full (I don't know, like 400 of 800 lbs of kernels) I put a firecracker in there and I'd already twisted a really long wick on it so I could put the end of the wick out of the screen and light it after the other half of the kernels are loaded.

So now I've got a huge cage in the back of a van and I'm a crazy terrorist and I drive to The Empire State Building and park the van and light the wick and run like a crazy but stealthy madman and ...nothing happens. But I don't know that because I'm already on the way to JFK, yo!

(NOTE: Alternate version: I set a bag of Pop Secret on fire in the back of the van and run like hell!)

SO right now, I've illegally parked, been mad about the US, and ran to the airport. But when the police search my van, they find I've dropped my master plan:


Of course, the back has my name and contact information on it

SO they tag me at the airport, but they're not quite sure why yet, but it's BIG because ABCCBSNBCNAFTA are all over it and despite the fact that my logistics are completely off and any respectable terrorist could build a basic bomb - even if medicated - it doesn't matter all that much because I just scream something about "Allah!" when they apprehend me. Hey-yo! Terrorist superstar!

I mean, come on. I'm a terrorist, tried to blow some shit up, and still alive. How many of us are there? The shoe-bomber? Beause those liquid bullshit guys just had drawings and no plans. So I need to gin it up to be a legend so no one remembers I have no technical knowledge or abilities to do any real damage aside from maybe something I read on the internets and couldn't accomplish even if I were given real training.

So I say things like "I hate America" and "I wish I was with those 9-11 guys!" and I get nailed for a life sentence where someone's going to kill me in jail because I'm a terrorist and I get to be a martyr. Yayyy!

--END HYPOTHETICAL--

So this guy set a car on fire and because his intent was to harm people he gets a life sentence and a world stage to pronounce his hatred?

Seriously, why are we spending our time and money on lauding our successes over terrorism on guys like this? Why don't we do an alternate public humiliation sentence, well-advertised to promote some tool to show up and just shoot him?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy, but, well...

Wait, don't we have more important work, like finding the only 6'4" terrorist in the Middle East?

In Short: Hispanics Apathetic

While the Hispanic population of the USA is still overwhelmingly Democratic by party, seems a recent poll shows they're less than enthusiastic in the "go get 'em vote!" category. Congrats Hispanics: you've successfully joined the rest of the voting populace.

The problem here, Hispanics, is that if you sit on your haunches and let the Republicans win you may find a friend or relative very quickly heading back south of the border as the rest of the country starts to resemble Arizona.

In case you missed the memo in focusing solely on Hispanic discrimination, Republicans really only like and want to help rich white people (and only include women because they are a necessary life support system for vaginas). They want to send African-Americans back to Africa, yellow people back to the Far East, brown people back wherever they came from, white trash to New Jersey, and you can see how they want to make the sandy, olive-skinned Muslims the new American Indian Extinction Project - and that's based on a mandate from God!

So get off your haunches next month and just vote straight Democratic. Heck, once they get in office, you can write and email and call and Tweet and blog Democrats into paying attention. Republicans will just quietly sneer at you on the other side of that fence from their limo's window. Unless, of course, you land the gig as their driver.

Like Attracts Like: An Irish Allegory

When Mrs. Shambles and I were planning for Ireland for our honeymoon, we knew we were renting a car for 2 weeks, but weren't sure where to go, what path to take. Both being in theatre, we contacted a showman and storyteller who was born on the Emerald Isle and returned there frequently to give us some guidance.

As we were going over our plans and our map with him, I asked him about the demeanor of the Irish in general; what sorts of people would we meet? His eyes lit up. "Let me tell you a story," he said...

A young man from the town of Tipperary walks into a Dublin pub, sits down, orders a pint, and asks the bartender "Excuse me sir. I've just moved here to Dublin from Tipperary and was wonderin' what kinds of folks I might meet here."

"Well," the bartender responded, "what kinds of folks do you have there in Tipperary?"

"Greatest people in the world! They'd give you their last penny and the shirt off their back if it'd make your life easier for just a moment."

"Well son, I've got good news for you: you're going to find the exact same people here in Dublin."

Not long after, a young man from the town of Limerick walks into that same Dublin pub, sits down, orders a pint, and asks the bartender "Excuse me sir. I've just moved here to Dublin from Limerick and was wonderin' what kinds of folks I might meet here."

"Well," the bartender responded, "what kinds of folks do you have there in Limerick?"

"Oh, the most dreadful people in the world! They'd steal your last penny and the shirt off your back if given just a moment to do so."

"Well son, I'm sorry, I've got some bad news for you: you're going to find the exact same people here in Dublin."

Over 10 years and that story still sticks with me. Like attracts like. You have no one but yourself to blame for your friends. Your actions and thoughts are constantly telling the universe what you really want from life and people. Pick one or all; they're all true.

It Gets Better

Video postcards to isolated queer kids from happy queer adults via BoingBoing.

I'm Not Dead; I Was Just in LA

Been a while, huh? Oh, sure, I've always been erratic (I said erratic!), skipping 2 or 3 days here and there, posting 4 times in one day occasionally, but never for so long before.



Well, I was in Los Angeles visiting my brother, working some business leads on the West Coast. Yeah, I know being in LA and being dead and being in hell can all be synonymous, but I had a great time there. 9 days, and here's some thoughts, reflections, and events.

• There are douchebags and kind souls everywhere, just in different densities. Never forget that.


• Palm trees and mountain views near the ocean, however, are not everywhere. I could probably live there.


• I walked 2 feet from a bum slumped-over forwards at a crowded bus stop one morning. 30 minutes later I saw a fire truck and ambulance; the medics pulled him onto the stretcher. He did not move and his neck and shoulders were stuck "slumped" straight up, refusing to fall to the pillow, as they wheeled him into the ambulance.


• 30 minutes later another fire truck, police cars, etc. passed through the same intersection. Someone wasn't paying attention and plowed into an LAPD SUV. The ambulance in the caravan paused, medics quickly checked to see if everyone was okay, and then continued on with the first group.


• Last 2 seen at Sunset and La Brea because my brother's poor and got rid of his internet and I worked from Starbucks. Luckily they do not charge rent. Good news: I got my phone to tether to my laptop and use that connection for internet...to actually work on the last day I was there.


• Everyone in LA is not beautiful. However, there is a higher concentration of slim, attractive people in LA. In other words, as opposed to my Kroger's here, I can fill my spank bank to capacity in one trip to any Ralph's in Hollywood.


• With that also comes a much higher incidence of scary Skeletor and/or super-surgery ladies. I can't stand superlips, fake breasts, or forced emaciation. In other words, my libido can fall deathly ill in one trip to Ralph's.


• LA is the only place you'll find a bar coaster selling you on the DVD of the last season of Big Bang Theory


• While there is a large Latino immigrant population, there is also a large Korean, Chinese, Japanese, and other Asian faction in the city. Armenian, Indian, and Ethiopian as well. This means unlimited varied cuisine throughout.


• It also means normal (non-cable) digital stations can be found in English, Spanish, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, and Armenian. There is one Spanish station with Korean subtitles.


• And why can I get almost 10 Christian stations (3-4 English) with just a digital antenna?


• Driving in LA isn't so bad. Scariest part is keeping an eye out for pedestrians and bikes and light cameras. Drivers are slightly douche-y. Boston, now those drivers scared the shit out of me.


• We drove the Pacific Coast Highway about 45 miles north of Santa Monica and my brain is still trying to process the beauty in every mile.


• There is a sports bar called Big Wangs within walking distance of another named Happy Endings. I neither saw penises or received a handjob.


• I realized walking distance can mean a couple miles when it took me 40 minutes to drive 2 miles and find parking.


• I realized walking distance can mean a couple miles when you're feeding a meter and just about every man in the city is skinnier than you.


• Parking is ass. Take your time to learn the signs: there's street-sweepin' curb switchin', variations in how the meters are set to collect and differences when the meters are off (anything from free to tow your ass), and hourly restrictions sometimes in columns M-Th, F-S, Sun that'll make your head spin. Get out of the car and read.


• Double and triple check your flight info. I accidentally got dropped off at Terminal 1, realized I had to be at 6, ran to lower deck, caught "A" shuttle, and traveled over 15 minutes to 6, then upstairs to check in. LAX is fucking big.


• This past Monday I was there when Downtown LA hit 113° F, breaking every other temperature record evar. Yes, it was hot enough for me. (sidenote: I sweat at 78 or so; I like it cold. I don't care if it's a drier heat than in Cincinnati, it still fucking sucked the monumentally prolific sweat pouring from my back and balls)

That's enough for now, yes?