That List - Dig Out of Depression

(NOTE: This is gonna get a little personal, so feel free to skip)

(NOTE2: This will grow. I just added to the DOs. I also just added to the intro notes by writing this. Check back.)

So having gone through a rough down-slope, I recently mentioned I was working on a list of sorts. That list starts with a schedule and has some serious DOs and DONTs. For your approval, though not nearly thorough enough.

The Schedule

If you don't have a schedule, you have nothing. Even if it's rough, write it down. Somewhere. Keep it between your condom that expired 12/95 and your Subway rewards card in your wallet. But do it.

I wake at 5am every morning to make Irish Dancer her lunch and a pot of coffee so Mrs. Shambles can leave before 6:30 with a mug. Here's my roughie:

• 5am: wake, make lunch & coffee
• 5am - 6am: clear emails, catch up on a show
• 6am - 7am: stretch, meditate, exercise
• 7am - 11:30am: work
• 11:30am - 1:30pm: work, eat, take at least 30 minutes to flake/rest
• 1:30pm - 5pm (maybe 7pm): work
• * Stretch at least every hour
• * Nibble healthily

DOs

• Eat! (sometimes I forget)
• Snack healthy
• Exercise at least 30 min a day
• Take breaks to breathe, center
• Drink coffee
• Smoke a cigarette (I know, I know. I rarely smoke, and only when I'm drinking, but if I have at least 1/2 a cig early in the day I tend to ward off apathy)
• Catharsis: Cry. Cry like your dog or cat just died. Watch your favorite cry movie (even if that's your wedding tape or Short Circuit 2) to emote it. No. "Cry" is not right. Weep. Every week or month or two just dig down there and fucking lose it - but only for a few minutes. Let it out. Lose your shit and bang on the pillows (sheet rock is expensive) and scream "WHY!?!?!" Then get it together and understand you're better for it and ACTUALLY be better for it.

DONTs

• Lay on the couch in front of the TV (If I feel like I need to drop out, do it in the bedroom where it's dark and I can talk myself out of my spiral)
• Drink early or much (obvious, right?)
• Keep a messy desk (self-defeating)
• Think blogging, anxiety, or angst are substitutes for work.

Success?

Today I ate, focused, exercised, and rocked out 5 solid hours of work and made almost $800. Success? Yes. Could I have done more? Yes. Should that example be a case in point for myself for creating and following this list? Yes.


I'm prone to depression from my grandfather down, "badges" on my wrists from college, a few of their little sisters on my arms and legs live as reminders as well. Sometimes I like to wrap myself in blankets on a cloudy day and wish the world would just fall apart around me (give me a gun and a zombie apocalypse and I'm good). At least I don't have the passive suicide daydreams of "turning the wheel and going off a cliff" of yore. For that I'm thankful.

I'm past the dangerous stuff. I made it through. I have no pity for whiny bitching - in myself or others. And I think the biggest thing I've learned, the most important thing I can pass along is:

STAY ABOVE IT

It's all in the state of mind and can be changed in a second: Everything we do, everything we deal with, every single part of our lives from joy to chaos to drama to too many people to meeting with expectations is noise. When you're down, when you feel beat, you're looking up at it all, it's covering you, encompassing you, suffocating you like an awful, killing comforter (oxymoron, eh?).

But even though none of that shit, none of that - noise of expectations or the sky's too gray or the sky's too grey or your sister's in prison or you need to make rent or the cat box hasn't been changed in a week or you forgot to put your good shirt in the wash last night or the goddamned dog needs to be boarded and you not only hate taking her but hate missing her - even though none of that shit in your life changes: YOU CAN.

Dig deep, think mentally of how those things are affecting you. They're all above you, stilting you, snuffing you out. NO! They're not! Change that. Change the game. You are above that, literally, mentally floating above it all to deal with it as you please. Yes, it still sucks, but being above it at least you can see the sun. And you might be able to see how you can drive that bus.

Get above it. Own it. Push its nose in the doodie. Drive that bus. Make me proud.

Republicans: Um, "I Like Money"

That quote is from the Mike Judge movie Idiocracy. The whole quote goes "I like money. I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out." It's a funny movie and if you haven't seen it, get it. Now.

As I've been contemplating for the last few weeks: The Bush Tax Cuts were justified as a means to institute a different version of the "trickle-down" effect. Of course, that's bullshit; the "trickle-down" effect was invented by rich bastards to get richer. When millionaires get more money, they keep it or spend it on themselves. That's why they're millionaires.

If the Bush Tax Cuts worked, we'd have jobs instead of depression, employment instead of people without health care living in their cars.

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) takes it home on CSPAN. Enjoy.

TSA's Nuthuggin': 15 Things NOT to Say at Security

Is it weird that I'm making a juvenile joke because the man's name is Balzac but visually he looks a little like Ron Jeremy? I believe there's a form of irony there somewhere...

There's a growing fervor over the TSA photographing and groping and leaking body scan photos. I'm lucky I don't have to fly soon - I'd probably mouth off and get held just long enough to miss my flight. So here's my top 15 things I'm not going to say but would like to if I were flying and got searched and didn't mind losing my flight:

1. I guess I never realized TSA stood for Testicle Stroking Authority. Maybe they should rethink that - you kinda suck at it.
2. I'll show you my penis for a dollar.
3. I'd love a cigarette but then I'd have to go outside, come back in, and go through that again. Okay, I'm going to have a cigarette. Save my seat.
4. Where's my rape whistle?
5. FYI, I dress to the left.
6. I was led to believe I would receive a Happy Ending?
7. You gonna think about my balls when you fuck your wife?
8. Do you charge extra for a pinky in my bunghole?
9. Thank God I'm drunk during this!
10. This ain't no pansy-party; get on up in there n make sure I ain't no turrurrist!
11. (While grinding) Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh noooooo!
12. How many balls would you say you touch in a day? Do you like 'em? You should call Guinness - there might be an opening for a daily ball-handling record.
13. If you want to put it in me, it's gonna be extra.
14. Do you tend to caress, squeeze, or bob the nuts?
15. You call that a reach-around?

And then, doing that while wearing this tshirt:


That would be an awesome day. Okay, it would probably suck, but hell would that be a story to blog about.

What inappropriate statements would you make? Comments is wide open :)


UPDATE: Blueberry left an obvious omission:

I heard something about some guys (as a protest, or just for fun) planning to opt out of the screening in favor of the manual check, and they will be commando and wearing kilts.

OMG I'm totally doing that.

Four Loko: Yes, The Government is Retarded

What the fucking fuck? You know sometimes that I espouse the base beliefs of Republicans, one being keeping the goddamned government out of our lives? This is a clear example of that.

Four Loko hit the news a couple weeks ago because with it's 12% ABV and loads of caffine, it made a couple college kids vomit. The Hill reports:

Drug czar Gil Kerlikowske said he welcomed a ruling by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that would effectively ban drinks like Four Loko and Joost, which have come under scrutiny for their alleged role in several cases of alcohol intoxication on college campuses.

Yes. Their role. Because binge drinking, college kids wanting to get wasted, and alcohol poisoning can be traced to one source: Four Loko.

I bought the drink once, partly because I like the booze but mostly because I'm a sucker for a novelty. I saw a caffeinated blue-raspberry drink with 12% alcohol for less than $2 and I was all "Fuck yeah - party time!" But no. It was awful. And I'm not talking "My fine wine and whiskey palette could not tolerate such an outrage" snobbery bullshit. This was eight-year-old blue-raspberry cotton candy dissolved in turpentine with a hard shot of gag reflex and enough HFCS to bring the liquid to a saturation point. I got through 3 little sips and was done forever with the foul beast.

But that doesn't mean the government should be allowed to ban it. College kids get drunk; that's the other half of their job. They will always gravitate towards the cheapest ways to alter their consciousness. That's why weed's less popular than alcohol and Hennessey is less sucked down than Natty Light.

Note to our government: Everyone sees that this is posturing, but it's laughable posturing. It's like someone walked into the office of the FDA and said "Listen! This is DANGEROUS!" and everyone was like "OMG Yeah!" and then they took it to the White House and said "Mr. President! This is not only what they world cares about but if you address this everyone will love you!"

And you know why you're being fed this?! It's the fucking November Book! This is the time of year (along with others) where TV Ratings will determine viewership which will determine a station or network's ability to price their commercials. Wonder why you generally turn on the news and hear "The Mount Adams Puppy you can't miss!" but about 4 times a year the headline teaser is "You probably have AIDS - Tune in at 11 to find out for sure!"? Ratings!

President Obama: You are a damn fool, a naive sucker to come out and say this is a health issue. What's next? A ban on red bull in bars (because that's about the same, just more expensive)? Perhaps a ban on sweetened alcoholic drinks? Then a ban on alcohol? Maybe a ban on college? Where does this silliness end? Should everyone call this an attack on the poor because you're eliminating one way for poor folk to get drunk? I mean, they still have Thunderbird. But you backed a federal ban on something based on a fabricated "epidemic" based on television stations trying to get viewers.

I am an ardent supporter but, for now, I laugh at you. I laugh because you're being a sucker, I laugh because you were suckered by the media sensationalism you have so often knocked down, but mostly I laugh because Four Loko, when faced with an alcohol/caffeine ban responded by saying "Okay, we'll get rid of the caffeine."

They're still serving sugary booze-ness to everyone and you've wasted thousands of taxpayer dollars just talking about it!

Don't we have more important things to worry about like wars and health care?




UPDATE: I got this Know! email from the Drug-Free Alliance:

"Blackout in a Can" is what some people are calling Four Loko: a dangerous, new alcohol energy drink that contains nearly as much alcohol as a six pack of beer and as much caffeine as a 12-ounce cup of coffee, all in one supersized serving (24-ounce can).

Alcohol energy drinks are no new concept and have long been a concern. However, alcohol-infused energy drinks like Four Loko, are especially dangerous because they contain an incredibly high amount of alcohol mixed with caffeine. Medical experts say that combining a depressant (alcohol) with a stimulant (caffeine) is hazardous to both the body and brain, and it makes for a, "wide awake drunk," as the caffeine masks the typical effects of alcohol.

Um, if your kids are getting their hands on this can, you've got much bigger problems than just talking to your kids. Alcohol + Caffeine exists and will be consumed legally in bars by anyone over 21. In excess in some cases. Just be a good, open, and accepting parent and you won't have to worry about insanity. Add the Drug-Free Alliance to the fear-mongering list of fools.

Hawt Denny's Brawl - Video

Just kidding. It's not really hawt. If anything, it's trash, but it's scantily-clad Halloween trash.


[via Gawker TV]

I bet they didn't tip either.

A Bad Case of the Gangster Midgets

(Seriously, internets? I hit Google Image Search for a little person [Yes, I know 'midget' is offensive - the title is in reference to childhood perception.] dressed as a Gangster. You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun? But 20 pages of results and the douche from Pit Boss is the closest I can get? [Yes, Pit Boss guy would be a douche at any height - not a slight at size, he's just a dick.] So why nothing in 20 pages of results? Because it was full of "gangsta"s, not gangsters, some little people, some big, all hood rats. [note: always turn GIS safe search back on after searching 'alyson hannigan' and before searching 'gangster midget.' If not? Holy little people ghetto cock party.] So, on to the actual post.)

When I was a kid, I had this strange nightmare that my father was standing on our dining room table trying to fix a stained-glass hanging lamp. I was trying to tell him to be careful but at some point he bumped his head on the lamp and started crying uncontrollably. My stomach dropped and then things got worse. I heard a rumbling and a clatter and turned around to see about a half dozen little people gangsters (You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun?) dropping from the chimney into the fireplace, emerging from the sooty entranceway, and advancing on us. I moved back towards the table but it wasn't safe there either because the protectorate that my Dad should've been was wailing and streaming with tears.

I'll never forget that dream or that feeling: hopelessness, despair, acute anxiety, overwhelming desire to disappear.

I bring that up because over the past few weeks I've had a bad case of the gangster midgets. Whenever my depression manifests itself, I get the same feeling I did in that dream, only instead of a quick sampling of it that fades when I wake, it is prolonged and draining and manifests wholly in my conscious hours. I seem to be pulling out of it somewhat, surfacing above the clouds, but it's hard - as lost as I get when I drive through those moods, there's something comforting about darkness and silence and solitude.

So I'm working on a list, a schedule of sorts, to keep me on track to maintain this upswing. I've identified most of the things I should do, things I should avoid. Now I've just got to get it on paper - and stick to it.

And for you? That might just mean me getting back to posting more regularly.

Ann Coulter's a Moron, But You Knew That

Ann Coulter is a moron. Read from one of her recent bullshit email spooges about repealing the 26th Amendment:

Adopted in 1971 at the tail end of the Worst Generation's anti-war protests, the argument for allowing children to vote was that 18-year-olds could drink and be conscripted into the military, so they ought to be allowed to vote.

But 18-year-olds aren't allowed to drink anymore. We no longer have a draft. In fact, while repealing the 26th Amendment, we ought to add a separate right to vote for members of the military, irrespective of age.

Is she seriously saying that our military should automatically get to vote because they're in the military? Yes, she is.

That's the equivalent of saying shoemakers should be allowed to vote at 16. NOTHING about being in the military makes one more qualified than another to vote, any more than IQ, BMI, or HDL.

Hannity's Childlike Rage: Bachmann Overdrive

Sean Hannity was all over the place today, overstating the significance of the Republican win, fostering his own leg tingle while frustratingly attacking Chris Matthews because of one small event of the evening:


"Crazy Eyes" Bachmann

Last night, Chris Matthews had a chance to interview Michele Bachmann live. He asked her about a well-known quote of hers:

What I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think the American people would love to see an expose like that.

[On Obama]Absolutely, I’m very concerned that he may have anti-American views.

Yes, that's crazy. And Chris asked her about it, if she was going to push it. And she said NOTHING about it but answered as if something else entirely was asked. And so he asked her again and she talked about what the Republicans were going to focus on. And he asked her again and when she once more not just sidestepped the question but completely ignored it, the chuckles of the panel were audible and Chris's next question was "Are you hypnotized? Has someone put you under a trance?"

So Sean today was pissed because his lady Bachmann was slightly ridiculed and he blurted out mocking Matthews about being hypnotized. He sounded like an angry child shouting "Yeah, you're stupid, Stupid!"

Cause, you know, when you make a serious policy statement and serious allegation like "Un-American," if someone brings that up again, it's a "gotcha" question.

I will enjoy watching Sean psychologically collapse in 2 years when the Repugs can't close the deal. Yums.

And, if you haven't seen it yet: Top 10 Crazy Michele Bachmann Quotes.

Dear Ohio: WTF?

The Republicans blamed 400,000 lost jobs on every incumbent Democrat in office - and won most places because of it. For governor? 2 years out of Bushrape of the economy (where Ohio was beaten like a red-headed stepchild), we knocked out Strickland for Kaisch, a Wall Street tool who bankrupted seniors through Lehman Bros. and helped push jobs out of the state and country. Nice, Ohio. For Senate, you gave pretty-boy Portman Voinovich's seat, which wasn't a total surprise. But could someone tell me how Jean Schmidt keeps her damn job? At least they kept Kucinich up in Cleveland. But...Ohio's Tan Man Fake-Cry Boner will probably be taking the Speaker role. Good times.

So as we went, much of the country went (Ah, but so good to see Crazypants Angle and Batshit O'Donnell lose races). Right Wing Talk Radio sounds like 3-hour blocks of the Happy Ending portion of their weekly massage.

But not to worry. They will soon fall apart. You've got McConnell focusing on nothing but ousting Obama in 2 years, a handful of Tea Party folks and some extreme Republicans looking at everything from a full repeal of health care to privatizing Social Security to dismantling the Department of Education. Some say "meet in the middle" while others say "We'll shut down the government!" They control the House but not the Senate. They are schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder wrapped into one.

So, in other words, somehow even less will happen than it does now and in 2 years the Republicans will be taken to task for not just failing to get America back on track, but making it worse than it is now. Because the only thing they have the ability to do is make rich people richer, disenfranchise voters, and send jobs overseas.

I Voted: Let the Right Fall

I know, I know. The ConservaTea Party in their Pants isn't going anywhere soon. A couple of the Right Wing nutters will probably make it into office. And that makes Baby Jesus cry because, well, it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to walk through the gates of Heaven. Or some other shit Jesus said that wasn't about hating fags so it's totally ignored.

The huge difference between me and the nutters on the right? The box of asshats we know as Hannity and Beck and Limbaugh - as well as the whole brainless trust over at FOX - are adamant that everything left or liberal is BAD and every conservative candidate is the glowing, halo-ed image of Jesus Christ himself riding a dinosaur and eating the CO2 to ward off any reality of Global Warming.

I, however, know that Government in general is a problem and actually equate it to the assholes we elect. No Democrat (except maybe Kucinich) is perfect. All have a hand in special interests. And when it's time to go, it's time to go. But none of them have such a fierce, fisting hand up Money's ass as the whole of the conservative movement.

And I just heard Rand Paul called for the now-officially-handicapped state to my south: Kentucky. A man silent about his history and batshit crazy on policy (Civil Rights Act = BAD) has won a state.

At some point I'll be moving to Europe. I'll let you know; we can rent a villa.


Ed Schultz: "This is a message to the White House." Yes: America is fucking insane.

45% of Indiana supports the Tea Party? WTF country did I - wait, is this Fringe night? Am I "over there?" Holy fuck.

What's the course correction? Course correction? You need to shut down the Right Wing Noise Machine. Not because they're controversial, not because they're well-funded, but because they're LYING about basic facts and what they're not lying about they're heavily insinuating just enough to get the limited imagination of many, many voters to go into freak-out panic mode. I guess they're chuckling now, but when the gun-toting militias come knocking on their door because they're not conservative or Christian enough? They really should pay attention to the small monster they're suckling right now. It will grow, and they will have no control. And then - and only then - will our founding fathers turn in their graves. Did I mention Europe?

Sorry...I'm live blogging. I'll just take my crazy notes and report back later.

MF'ing Tea Party Represent!

On some of my forum lists, I get some crazy right-wing folks that rebut everything bad about the Tea Party or the GOP in general with "it's a left-wing plot" or "well, [insert Democrat name here] did something similar." But we're going to the polls on Tuesday. All of us. And here's a list, albeit small (comments about crazy I missed welcome - I will update). This is why the Tea Party scares the shit out of me:

• Rand Paul supporters stop on the head of a female protestor - stomper identified as Rand's campaign coordinator. Rand himself has stated that he wouldn't have voted for the 1964 Civil Rights Act and wants to abolish the Americans with Disabilities Act.
• Juan Williams was fired from NPR for compromising his integrity as a journalist. His other sealed deal was at FOX News. NPR Received a bomb threat.
• Glenn Beck inspired wannabe domestic terrorist Byron Williams who went to California to kill members of the ACLU and Tides foundation.
• Glenn Beck attacked Kathy Tate-Bradish from the League of Women Voters for not being enthusiastic about reciting the pledge (because it was not included in the fomal debate format agreed to by candidates beforehand) at a debate with candidates from 8th District in Illinois. She has since recieved death threats now being investigated by the FBI.
• Sharron Angle believes in the complete banning of abortion. In cases of rape or incest, she believes if pregnancy occurs it is part of God's plan and lemonade should be made out of such lemons. She once spoke out against flouride as a communist plot and suggested support for making alcohol illegal as recently as February of this year. She believes it is unacceptable and wrong for both parents to actually hold jobs simultaneously. She continues to use stereotypical images of scary Mexicans (one proven to be a stolen stock photo of Mexicans in Mexico) to drive her campaign.
• Christine O'Donnell had some experience with witchcraft years ago. While I don't find a problem with that, I do find a problem with every ultra-Christian sweeping it under the rug when - were she a Democrat - it would be open season on "How Christian is She?" She was filmed in the mid-90's for MTV speaking out against masturbation. In her last debate, she repeatedly voiced a lack of understanding of the meaning (and existence and location) of what is commonly known as the separation of church and state. She was unclear on which Amendments to the constitution she might want to repeal saying "I’m sorry, I didn’t bring my Constitution with me." She also is apparently unable to name even one Democratic Senator.
• The Tea Party Nation thinks there is only one Muslim member of congress (K. Ellison) and that he's not just a Muslim but supports terrorists. Kareem Abdul Jabar was not contacted for comment.
• Ken Buck, running in Colorado, says "I disagree strongly with the concept of separation of church and state. It was not written into the Constitution." He has said he wants to get rid of the Department of Energy and gut the Department of Education. He agrees with Sharron Angle on rape and incest.
• Joe Miller, running in Alaska, talks about privatizing social security and medicare. Agrees with total abortion banning despite rapre or incest, wants to kill the Dept. of Education, and thinks unemployment benefits are not "constitutionally authorized." He illegally used government computers for political purposes, lied about it, lied about it again, then, cornered, admitted it and resigned. (Wait, are they changing the state motto to "Alaska is for Quitters"?)
• (FYI, imagine a world where Bush the Lesser succeeded in privatizing social security, as was a well-spoken goal, just before the downturn)
• Stephen Broden, running for Congress in Texas, said that if the GOP doesn't take the win, then the violence option "is on the table," saying "we have a right to get rid of that government and to get rid of it by any means necessary."
• As to violence, locally Rep. Driehaus was threatened when his home address by a right-wing blogger - after a reported death threat. Oops! Rep. Tom Perriello's (D-VA) brother's address was posted by a Tea Party blogger (potentially out of ignorance) and the gas line outside his house was cut. Nine members of the "Hutaree militia," reportedly associated with a radical right-wing patriot movement, were arrested for planning a government overthrow. Rep. Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz.) said in a statement he shut down his Yuma district office after staff members discovered a bullet had shattered a window there. Authorities said U.S. Judge Susan Bolton received hundreds of threats at her downtown Phoenix court offices after issuing the injunction.

So it appears violence is accepted, bloody revolt is hinted at, the strength of someone's Christian faith will only be measured if you're a Democrat, every Muslim is a Satanic Terrorist, science isn't science if it hinders oil corporations, and some other things that can only be described by a reasonable society as crazy are in full effect.

Scarier: some of these people are going to win.

Scarier even: These are examples. There is no broad brush. The Tea Party is all over the map on policy and intensity and the RNC is treating this schizophrenic pit bull like a lap dog. It's going to bite.

My only solace in Republican winnings on Tuesday is that America is fickle, more and more fickle and responsive as time goes on and attention spans drop off like a Republican's pants in an airport bathroom stall. 2 years ago America shouted "Republicans suck!" And now, because of that attention span and Republican obstructionism, they're saying "Change is good, but not fast enough!"

Let them take it on Tuesday. They America will see the plan-less suckshit in full effect. And with a condensing attention span and no reliable candidates, they'll be done in 2012.

A Weekend of (not so good) Movies

I've been rocking some funeral action the past couple days (Mrs. Shambles' grandma), so I haven't been around so much. But before all the craziness began I had a slow weekend of movies, movies, movies. Here's a list, lite reviews, no real spoilers.

Let's imagine a baseline x-axis line representing time and the y-axis at zero to mark indifference where anything above is pleasurable and below is poop. How about a crappy image to better explain it:



So averaging the basic feel of the movie over time, we can come up with a high of 5, low of -5. Let's get going!

Hereafter



Theatre time! Yay: popcorn, pop, stadium seating! And a mediocre movie. The acting was fine, the directing worked well, special effects in the beginning were solid, but the pace sucked the life out of me. We went with my parents and my mother at one point let out a honking blurt of a snore, probably seconds before I would've. Dragging is an understatement. I would've wanted to punch Matt Damon and Clint Eastwood in the dick after the movie, but my eyes were half closed and I just wanted to sleep. The only redeeming portion? You're looking at her above: Bryce Dallas Howard. For all of 20 minutes :(

I'll give it a 0.75 - not much negative, but a whole lot of zero.


MacGruber



One of my friends turned off this movie after 20 minutes, referring to it as a diaper bag. I decided it was my personal mission to make it through - with force if necessary - the entire movie. And honestly, the first 20 minutes were pretty good compared to the rest of it.

2 mildly tolerable items: The scene in the coffee shop in the preview where the woman is screaming and everyone thinks she's crazy? Funniest. Term "Upper Decker" - taking a dump in the tank of the toilet instead of the bowl. Humorous. The rest of the movie was deplorable from the writing to the humor to the acting to the concept that it is supposed to be a parody. I would've been angry but the movie sucked my will to live with its redemption-less badness.

-3, and probably only that high because I was drinking beer.


Jonah Hex



Comic book adaptation - if you like that Wild Wild West kinda thing, it's for you. Mostly action, short on story, alternate history science fiction fun! It's got Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, and not nearly enough Megan Fox. Gadgets, 'splosions, and a couple laughs. One of those "enjoy it for what it is" movies. Please don't look for answers to great mysteries; you will be disappointed.

2.25 as none of it was painful and I have a soft spot for comics, sci-fi, and special effects.


The Ruins

Spring break kids find an old ruin with bad plants. There's really nothing more to the story except watching them die.

1.0 for an interesting concept and the kid from the Black Donnelleys.


The Happening



Yeah, more on the plants. M. Night Shyamalan did this one. What a twist! End of the world...but for what? Yay Zooey, yay special effects, mild boo to the working of an atmosphere of fear.

1.25 for no solid negative and it didn't totally suck. Worth an hour+ of your life, but for god's sake don't buy it - borrow or steal.

Today's Brunette: Alexi Wasser

You may know Alexi from a bit part in Cabin Fever 2 or her Peppermint Patties commercial. She's so lovely that she'll be picking up a part in a 30-minute comedy called Boycrazy on Showtime. Wonderful!

"Real Christians" Make Jesus Spew Hate

I was reading a great piece over at Right Wing Watch talking about how a coalition of "Real Christians" are speaking out to say that bullying is very, very wrong - but homosexuality is worse!

A chunk of their Mandate of Crazy states:

Authentic Christians will remember several key concepts from Scripture:

1. Homosexual behavior is always a sin, God's plan for sexuality is male/female marriage, and God has not changed His mind about this (Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22; Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 1:24-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

2. Jesus described marriage as the union of one man and one woman, and that humans were created male and female "from the beginning." Gender change is a defiant and ungrateful sin against God's direction and design (Matthew 19:4-6)

Yes! Authentic Christians unite ...to LIE about the Bible. You'll note that both #1 and #2 have one thing in common: Matthew 19:4-6 They're claiming that Jesus specifically states that marriage is only to be between a man and a woman. Wait a second, I don't remember Jesus talking about homosexuality - evar! Well, let's just see what Jesus says.

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Holy shit, that kinda sounds like they said it does, that Jesus is all about one man, one woman. Hold on a second. That last word, "separate," seems a little strange. Maybe it'll make more sense if we read more than 3 verses out of context.

Matthew 19

Divorce

[1]When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. [2]Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
[3]Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

So in a spat of double irony, Jesus, a man known only for peace, love, and acceptance, is having his words twisted to justify violence, hate, and exclusion. They achieve this by using a quote about divorce - something Jesus obviously had an opinion on but always gets glossed over because Christians accept divorce occasionally - to condemn homosexuality - something Jesus never mentioned but gets a lot of flack from Christians because it's icky.

I guess only an Authentic Christian is allowed the luxury of twisting God's written word to further man-made societal constructs.

[Note on Leviticus: Christians - STOP using it to knock homosexuality. Yes, it says man + man = abomination. But in Leviticus 18:18 says the same thing about wearing clothing woven of two different fabrics. So if you're using that as your justification, wearing a cotton/rayon blend is the same as homosexual sex.]

Cleveland. Great Lakes Christmas Ale. Nuff Said.

Punching Teenage Girls in the Face

Sorry folks, we're going to get a touch personal. And you're going to get pissed off. It's either write this post or do a shot of bourbon at 11am. And depending on how this goes, don't be surprised if this post disappears in a day or two so the story can be detached and reassembled with my real persona.

There's a boy at Irish Dancer's school. He's not a nice boy. In fact, he has a bit of a history talking shit to young ladies and has expanded his repertoire this year to smacking a few with the reason that they are girls and girls only speak when spoken to. Obviously, you don't learn that kind of behavior from your buddies or video games.

This past Friday he was getting into Irish Dancer's face at lunch time and having had enough she told him to "back the fuck off." He punched her in the mouth.

Allow me to let that soak in: A 14-year old boy punched a 14-year old girl in the mouth. She was afraid to retaliate because the VPrincipal was like 20 feet away.

Yes, she is okay. Lip bleeding, she talked to a trusted teacher and then to her counselor. And then? Then the weekend came. No, that's not odd; the weekend comes every week end, but this happened over 3 hours before school was over and we didn't get a phone call, the kid was still in school, and, well, let me just continue.

[Breaknote: What the fuck!? I'm not that old, and when I was in HS in the early 90's if a boy hit a girl in the face, no loyalties or social divisions would exist for him. He was getting knocked down at least once during lunch with a guaranteed jumping after school. You don't fucking hit a girl. EVAR! My belief on why there was no retaliation? We live in a snooty little upper-class suburb where most of the kids are spoiled, entitled, and stoned. I guess that's what we get for moving into a neighborhood where we don't fit so ID can get a great education.]

Mrs. Shambles and I calmed ID, made sure she understood she did nothing wrong, that he was the one way the hell out of line, and that what he did no one should ever do - or have to put up with. I know that sounds simple, but that's the reassurance just about everyone needs in a situation like that.

So after some bourbon, beers, breathing, and talking it over the weekend, we both walked in Monday morning (yesterday) with one clear goal: This kid would be removed from the 2 classes they shared. But when we got there and met with the Vice Principal, he had NO knowledge of anything happening on Friday. Shocked, all we could do was let him know and wait for him to do the due process thing before passing on our expectations.

Within 90 minutes, VP interviewed ID, witnesses, and bad kid and confirmed it with the video (our taxes are at least purchasing something useful). Bad kid was suspended - for 3 days. And ...that was it. He left school early yesterday.

So I spoke with VP again today, expressed our need to have the kid removed from ID's classes. Nope, he didn't agree. He ascertained that bad kid was impulsive, but not dangerous, and the school's kinda small so they'd end up seeing each other in the halls anyway.

What?! Okay, final card: FYI, we're looking at pursuing filing a police report. "Well, that would be your prerogative."

*brain explodes*


So in a world where all of the media is horny as hell for another bully story, in a school where a boy has a history of verbally and physically abusing young ladies, this boy escalates to assault (an offence listed in the student handbook as punishable by expulsion) - of which they have video proof - but they do not want to ensure the psychological well-being of my daughter because they don't think it's necessary to mess up his schedule.


So even though ID said she doesn't want to go to the police, she doesn't want him in her classes more, so if she agrees we'll be taking her this afternoon to make a statement. Luckily it's a softball event; the school has video proof, so there's no question to her integrity. Bad kid also apparently has had a few run-ins with the local police, so this might get bad for him.

And we might take it media if we feel the need. Every local station is drooling for a national connection. But that might mean making ID a spectacle and all we really want is for the kid to be out of her classes, not more of a circus.


Comments, thoughts, advice always appreciated.

(UPDATE & RESOLUTION in Comments)

Pro-Life Protest Particularly Apropos

Awwwshitt. You know what's gonna happen tomorrow? This is! W00t!

Tens of thousands of pro-life students in high schools, middle schools and colleges and universities across the country will take a vow of silence tomorrow. They will refuse to speak to their friends and teachers because they are representing the voices of millions of unborn children killed in abortions.

Hell, I'd go just for the free red tape.

No, hold on a minute. There's something serious happening here, happening tomorrow, happening all across the country, and it is making a somewhat redundant but wholly unified and powerful statement: Religious conservatives do not, nor will they ever truly understand the very basics of symbolism.

Allow me to explain to the dim: You're putting a piece of red tape over your mouth, preventing you from speaking, and writing LIFE on it. You're already into the realm of sex and babies so let's take that red and us it as an allusion of sin and shame like lovely Hester Pryne. And then let's seal it with LIFE.

You kinda look like you're on the other side.

A woman walking around with red tape labeled LIFE over her mouth in a protest situation says to me: The outside-imposed sin, the religion-into-policy, the government-up-in-your lady parts is trying to alter the laws in this country, and is charging towards a religion-based, a Sharia law all of it's fucking own, where a woman has NO say over her own body and must have that child despite choice, despite rape, despite incest. Her voice is no more.

And you'd better keep an ear out on birth control because the nutters pushing this bullshit don't wantcha fucking with a condom either because their image of a perfect world is every family in the US of Jesus as devout Christians breedin' like the Duggars until we burst our seams to all of North America of the Bible and ship the QEIII over full of damn kids to march on the Holy Land and kick them Palestinians out like worked with that Childrens' Crusade! Oh, wait...

Anyway, one more notch in the "Conservatives don't understand" belt: Humor, Technology, and ~*NEW*~ Symbolism.

Hannity Blurb

Just before Sean Hannity busted into his on-air pimping of LegalZoom.com, he blurted out: "Ah, profit, a horrible word except for those of us who believe in freedom!"

Dear Sean: You have built such a meandering level of logic on which you make basic assumptions and connections that sometimes a single sentence comes out making so little sense that it sounds like a bizzare child's concoction, like "Chocolate in my ears tastes like bananas, plastic face!"


Sidenote: Caveat Emptor on anything shilled by right wing radio. Legal Zoom may be a help to some folks, but - for example - the minimum fee charged to help form an LLC is $99 (it goes up to $359) + state fee. But in Ohio, it already costs $125 to form an LLC, and by "form" I mean fill out about 5 lines of information and send a check to the state. What the hell are they charging for?

Okay, so secondary note on shilling: Carbonite costs about $55/yr and uses up bandwidth on your internet connection and only goes as fast as your upload speed (basically takes lots of time and makes your system slow), but you can get a solid Terabyte drive (That's 1,000 GB or 1,000,000 MB) for about $100 and if the internet's down, you have control and ownership of that drive.

And don't even get me started on Goldline. Seriously, if you don't know how Glenn Beck is raping his listeners with that, look it up. It'll make you really mad.

Comics Can Get Weird

I'm a huge fan of comic books, though my activity has waned over the years. I grew into it in the early 90's with the debut of Hellraiser and Sandman, a reboot of X-Men, The Infinity Gauntlet, and on and on.

And since I don't get around (or didn't) as much as others, the unread storylines and varying origin tales always fascinate me. And Wikipedia, while not allowing for the relevance of a page for most smaller businesses, has not only an extensive page for every single Pokemon character, but every comic book character as well as every major comic book storyline.

It is within those descriptors of tales unread that I can sometimes get lost, knowing well I will never own a million comic books or have the time to read them.

But today I stumbled upon the Wikipedia page for Marvel's Hulked Out Heroes thread. Please read below carefully and understand I am making NONE of this up - and neither is the hive mind that put it together (emphasis my exasperation):

Bob, Agent of HYDRA sends Hulkpool (a gamma-powered Deadpool) back in time using the machine Red Hulk used to send Thundra to the future so he may kill himself. However, he meets with a Blackbeard the Pirate version of Thing (and way back in time) and after moving a storm and sending away Johny and Reed (who were trying to get to Thing), he becomes his pirate until the police of the time attack him with a monster. He and the Thing attempt to defeat him, but dinosaurs arrive thanks to Bob's mistake of how to use the machine while trying to take back Hulkpool. They defeat them and Thing asks if Bob can get him to his time. Hulkpool says yes and the Thing leaves with them taking a dinosaur with him. They then arrive to the Old West in 1873 where Hawkeye is lost in time and dinosaurs are released everywhere but Bob sends them back in time (including Thing and Hawkeye) but Hulkpool is sent when Captain America was losing Bucky and decides to save him.[2] While in an alternate reality's version of World War II, Hulkpool manages to kill that reality's versions of Adolf Hitler, Red Skull, and Deadpool as well as stop every superhero from becoming, i.e. stopping Spider-Man from being bitten by the Spider, or Doctor Strange from having his car crash.. Hulkpool [3]

Elsewhere, a battle broke out between the Hulkified versions of Spider-Man and Thor (known as the Spider-Hulk and Thorr respectively).

So is this clever or hard-up for ideas or LSD? WTF?

Imperial Stars, Fuck You

Band PR FAIL

There's this band, Imperial Stars. They had a meeting 2 weeks ago with their PR team that probably went something like this:

IS:So what's the next big stunt, the next big thing?

PR-Co.: Okay, follow me here. You've got that song Traffic Jam 101

IS: Yeah, cause we, like, party like rock stars every chance we get, like even in a traffic jam, holmes.

PR: Right, so it's Traffic Jam 101. So you "cause" a traffic jam on the 101, but it's really like a free show and - BAM! - it's a free concert flash mob all rolled into one!

IS: Bomb diggidy. We'll send you a check.

So these asshats drove up the 101 in their big ol' Imperial Stars truck this morning and around Sunset Blvd. pulled a sideways stop, blocking 3 lanes, and started performing their song, Traffic Jam 101.

If anyone has had the unfortunate experience of driving the 101 in LA, any time day or night it's a goddamned mess, a powder keg ready to explode. And these guys took it to a standstill. It's a good thing the cops showed up because they'd probably be dead. And all this to sing a shitty song about partying all the time. Earth to Imperial Stars: Lots of things happen on the 101 - swearing, smoking, horn-honking, sweating, brief pit-stops - but none of those things is partying.

For their next PR gig, the Imperial Stars will make every line in every Starbucks 8 people longer all the time, extend the pain of kidney stones to the entire body, and make rape 50% more humiliating.

I can't even imagine the people who might've lost a job or missed an interview or wasn't there to pick up their kid.

Imperial Stars: FUCK YOU.

Oh, and if you're so morbidly curious that you must - absolutely must - see their video, here it is for you in all its misery. I suggest NO, but I know you will. But really: don't.



Seriously: this isn't something put together by the Dick in a Box folks? This is a real band? Deplorable.