More Makin' Crazy: #43 & #44

Click the label that says "crazy drive" at the bottom to follow the worst of the conservative assbaggery that is "365 ways to drive a liberal crazy."

#43
Tell a joke:

Q: Why do liberals like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

So, um, ...what? Is the horribly flawed logic that all liberals are dumb men? What about liberal women? Are they all dumb ...and lesbians? And by this logic, are all conservatives smart men? And all conservative women inherently dumb? I guess that would make sense. But that would only be if this car-fart of an attempt at humor (and/or logic) made any sense to any human with a brain.

#44
Pick a fight with a liberal on: CAPITALISM.
Agree with Wall Street's Gordon Gekko that "greed" for want of a better word "is good." Explain wearily but patiently to a liberal that firms can only gain revenue by selling things that people want; and only make a profit if they sell these things for more than they cost to produce. In the process they give employment to people who prefer that job to any other they can find. Therefore, profit-making firms create wealth for their customers, owners, and employees. They take wealth from no one. So why, pray, do liberals have such a problem with capitalism?

And when that "employment" happens 3000 miles away? Ah, sorry, SOL. And when that employer eats the tax break and buries existing employees in extra work to pocket the cash which is what is happening in every corporate business in America and only government workers and independently wealthy folks and radio personalities are exempt and therefore speaking out about the bliss of work in America? Oh, sorry. You're both mentally challenged and brainwashed, being a conservative. Must've been those public schools you want to further defund.

(Seriously, I could get used to this.)

The Bro/Brah Douchebaggery Ascendancy

(by me)

What's So Odd (Conservative)

From the Google Image Search for Conservative:


Ladies should keep everything from public view - except their uterus; that belongs to Uncle Sam.


Angry elephants with cigars are not attractive. Someone should tell Rush.


Angry Steroid Uncle Sam always trumps Peacnik Uncle Sam under the the Auto Racing Red Cross flag.


No.

Conservatives = (Teh Stupid)^3

Today we collect some of the conservative email alerts I receieve every day and throw up a little in our mouths. Got some crazy, some stupid, and some crazy stupid. But what would you expect?

#41 of 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy

Give them another reason why Obama has GOT to go.

He claimed to have campaigned "in 57 states—I think one left to go"; he referred to a Navy corpsman as a "corpse-man"; and in a speech in France, he seemed to think "American" was a language. Need I go on?

So Obama was tired and misspoke about the states, mis-pronounced something. Get over it. We could fill a calendar with Bush gaffes based on genuine mental deficiency.

But Haha, he thinks American is a language? "American English" is a language, as it differs from British or "The Queen's" English, often truncated to "American." However, that requires both book-learnin' and an awareness of a world beyond the borders of 'Merica, and conservatives just ain't cut out for those things.


Obama the Muslim

From the GOPUSA Newsletter:

Do You Believe Barack Obama is a Muslim?

It's a simple question, and it is one that Barack Obama has been asked in the past. Are you a Muslim? His answer has always been no. He states that he is a Christian, and yet in a recent focus group of Iowa Republicans, about half still believe that he is a Muslim and that his religious convictions guide his agenda. Perhaps it's his past statements and continuing coddling of known Islamic terrorist organizations that perpertuate this sentiment.

So do people watch Fox News because they're ignorant or does Fox News make people ignorant? GOPUSA is certainly late to this party, but carrying water is what it is. "Obama's a Muslim! Obama's a Muslim! Okay, who thinks Obama is a Muslim - don't forget his middle name is Hussein and he grew up attending a Madrassa? Geez, why do so many people think Obama's a Muslim?" The psychology of deception is so obvious here, there's no need to explain it further. Unless you're conservative.


Conservative Multiple Personality Disorder

CPAC got going today and who did they have kick it off? Batshit Crazy Bachmann! Seriously, if they want to do anything in 2012, they need to stop for a second and figure out if they're Conservatives or Republicans or Tea Partiers or Racist Christian Firearms.

(Update: Bachmann at CPAC from MaddowBlog)



Oh, yeah, they've already lost: politicking and blah blah jobs economy and they've done NOTHING but try to ban abortion and redefine rape.

Oh, yeah, they've got no problem with blatant lies and character assassination. So I guess they've still got a shot.

(Note on CPAC site: Don't click it, seriously - the background image of the site is 1.5MB PNG of the Constitution and they must be hosting it on the cheap because it takes forever to load. Glenn Beck image in the header, not on speaker list - false advertising? Oh, and their copyright still reads 2010. That's all I can take!)

Enough, already. Is it Miller time? Close enough.

He's a Snake

Told ya.

Ohio's Shady Abortion Tactics - Heartbeat Bill

It appears that the Republicans at the state level are following suit with those at the national level: no ideas, no job creation, but get on up in them lady parts and STOP abortion!



This is Ohio State Rep. Lynn R. Wachtmann (R), and tomorrow he's going to introduce the "Heartbeat Bill" which is aimed at banning any abortions at the point when a heartbeat becomes detectable. Sounds absurd, right? The bad news? "42 of the 99 representatives in the Ohio state House have signed on to the bill, which would make an exception to the heartbeat rule only in emergency medical situations."

But even the head of Ohio Right to Life doesn't support the bill:

Michael Gonidakis wants to ban all abortions, but the executive director of Ohio Right to Life knows it doesn't help his cause to fight for bills that he says have no chance of being upheld by the federal courts.

So we've got another example of politicians ignoring jobs and the economy and politically posturing themselves by passing legislation that will ONLY set an already ailing state up for a prolonged legal battle. Awesome. Maybe Rep. Wachtmann can dig deep and fund that process instead of us taxpayers.

You can reach Rep. Wachtmann to let him know (politely) that this legislation will do nothing but hurt Ohio here:

Address:
77 S. High St
13th Floor
Columbus, OH 43215-6111
Phone: (614) 466-3760
Fax: (614) 719-3975
Email: district75@ohr.state.oh.us

Don't Click This: Tales of Hentai

Sometimes I land on a page (innocently, of course) and I am strangely interested or amazed or appalled or just shocked out of words. Can't share it with my biological family, so I'm tossing it at you.

Hentai: A Japanese slang word meaning perverted or perversion. In the world of manga and anime, hentai refers to the adult oriented titles that present extreme, graphic sexual imagery. A common Western stereotype concerning manga and anime is that these artforms are filled with graphic sex.

Yeah, it's kinda animated or illustrated porn and extremely NSW. And I told you not to click it, didn't I?

Tales of Hentai

Liberal Crazy #35 - Hitler? Why Not!

You can see some of the other asshattery from the 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy by clicking on the "crazy drive" label under the post. Not many noteworthy ...until today.

Deploy the Reductio ad Hitleram

"Hey, you're a vegetarian! Has anyone ever told you Hitler was too?" (They will have heard this. All too frequently.) The veggie will probably respond by telling you that this is an urban myth and that Hitler did occasionally eat meat. In fact, the urban myth is literal fact, as we know from Hitler's Table Talk. Not only did Hitler think that vegetarianism was doing the "right thing" by the animal kingdom (Hitler was a leader in "animal rights"), but he was certain that the future belonged to vegetarians. The real urban myth is the veggie's fanatically spread tale about how Hitler really wasn't a committed veggie.

I don't even know where to start. Unnecessary contempt for healthy eating? Oh, maybe the Hitler thing. Conservatives are pissing themselves over the fact that they never make a Hitler or Nazi comparison in the face of endless video and audio clips being thrown in their faces. Perfect time to pull out a Hitler reference!

Now let's get stupid. Let's take an irrational hatred towards "dirty hippie" vegetarianism and make the assumption that your target vegetarian is a liberal. Now take that dietary health choice and equate it to the mass murder of millions of innocent people. Awesome.

By taking this position - and you know some mindless goons will - conservatives will do one thing and one thing only: confirm that they are hypocritical monsters incapable of the very basics of logical thinking.

But hey, they got in a jab at that dirty veggie, didn't they? w00t! Hitla represent!

In Short: Insurance is STILL Winning

Here's a quick review of how health insurance is kicking your ass:

• Insurance companies will raise your rates every year, no matter what.
• Insurance companies have HUGE holdings.
• Insurance companies take those holdings and put them into the stock market to make even more money.
• Insurance companies took a hit when the tech bubble burst.
• That's when they decided it was time to bring out the monster of Frivolous Lawsuits.
• They convinced the doctors, who pushed for tort reform.
• Insurance companies kept on that steeper climb even though the false spectre faded.
• Affordable Care Act passed.
• The increase in rates is even higher, even though most of the costs will not manifest for years.
• The Insurance Industry as a whole has NEVER had a loss and regularly pops their CEOs with millions or billions for NOT providing care.

When the fuck are we going to learn these people are NOT working for our best interest in what is a human rights issue?

That's My Governor!

I have a feeling this is going to be a regular and depressing feature. From ThinkProgress:

Delivering on his vision for a "new way," Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R-OH) "is on pace to be the first governor since 1962 to have an entire Cabinet without any racial diversity." Every one of his 22 full-time agency head appointments has been a white person. Only five are women. Dubbing diversity as "metrics that people tend to focus on," Kasich said, "I can't say I need to find somebody to fit this metric" because "it’s not the way I look at those things. I want the best possible team I can get."

Yesterday, the Ohio Legislative Black Caucus held a press conference to express their waning patience with his dismissive attitude and "implore[] Kasich to make better strides to diversify his Cabinet." But according to State Senator Nina Turner (D-OH), this time Kasich’s response was a bit more blunt. According to Turner, when the caucus offered him help in finding qualified minority applicants, Kasich told Turner, "I don’t need your people."

FMS: Fuck my state. Argh!

Kooch's Teeth

Copy of an email sent out by Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D - OH) pertaining to the lawsuit you may or may not have heard of:

Regarding Settlement of Dental Injury Law Suit

Dear Friend,

Though I would prefer to focus your attention on my work dealing with the profoundly important issues that face our nation, such as job creation, getting the economy back on track, and ending the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq - it seems that some are more interested in discussing my personal dental issues. Given the degree of public interest you should know some details:

This injury required nearly two years, three dental surgeries, and a substantial amount of money to rectify.

The legal action you have heard about was filed due to the severity, expense and duration of the dental injury, the complications which followed and which still persist. I wanted to resolve this matter without filing a lawsuit. The events below involved numerous dental visits, more than are detailed in this summary.The dental injury set in motion a chain of dental and medical events.

When I bit into the olive pit, (unbeknown to me at the time), upon impact the tooth split in half, vertically through the crown and the tooth, below the level of the bone. Externally there was no evidence of a break. This was not about aesthetics. The internal structure of the tooth was rendered nonrestorable.Although the pain was excruciating, I shook it off and I went right back to work.

This tooth is a key tooth which anchored my upper bridgework. The injured tooth and the bone above it became infected. I took a course of antibiotics for the infection, had an adverse reaction to the antibiotics which caused me to have an intestinal obstruction and emergency medical intervention.

Later, my dentist referred me to a specialist who informed me that the damaged tooth had to be removed. A third dentist removed the tooth and I was fitted for a temporary partial. I waited for the bone to heal. An implant was placed, but it failed. Many months later still a second implant succeeded. My bridgework had to be completely reconfigured, a new partial was designed, so this injury did not affect only one tooth, but rather involved six (6) replacement teeth as well. A new crown with a new precision attachment was engineered and put in place. To clarify, no dental expenses were covered by any health plan, nor did I have dental insurance that covered the injury, which, until it was resolved, affected my ability to chew food properly.

The clamor for information about this incident requires that I provide at least this much information. I would have liked to provide such details sooner but did not want it said that I was trying the case in the media. So that is why I declined any interviews about the matter.The parties have exchanged information and after some investigation and discussion have resolved the matter for an amount all parties believe reflects the actual out-of-pocket expenses related to this incident. The terms of the settlement are confidential; however, I feel that the defendants have responded fairly and reasonably. I don't want to have to make another dental visit for a very long time, and will be making no further comment on this matter.

Thank you very much.

You Wish This Was Your Van, Yo!

He AIMs to please. You aim too, please.



Hoooooooooowwwwwwwwwl! Wolf orgy!



Hells yeah it's the m'f'in Dazzler.



Der monsters on me van!

Jayherrod1 & Selena Gomez

Thank you Tosh.0 for the horror that is Jay Herrod.



This is tame. Visit his page to see all 63 videos covering topics from more Selena Gomez to politics to his most recent video [kinda NSFW], in which he appears to be wearing just a loose skirt, announcing his appearance at an Austin, TX club to do a sexy birthday strip tease.

I apologize in advance. But it's a bad you have to experience.



Seriously, dude. WTF?

SOTU Rebuttal Party - From Vapid to Insane

You read the SOTU review already, right?

Okay then. Now we're going to talk about the rebuttals. Hehe, I said butt.

Paul Ryan



It's official! Or just the official response. Honestly, on the kind end, it was as vapid as Jindal's. No ideas, mostly negative, same damn talking points. Negatively, he said basically if we don't do what Republicans say is best, "America's best century will be considered our past century." Ass.

But I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time on his words. Why? Holy shit, Paul Ryan looked like he was stoned off his ass. His droopy, pink-ass eyes made him look like he'd just stumbled off the Mystery Mobile before getting in front of the cameras. I was looking for Scooby Snack crumbs on his suit in HD. Ryan: don't you have someone who looks at you before you get on camera? What if you'd fallen asleep and someone drew a dick on your face in Sharpie? Damn!


That's all I have on Ryan. But we're not done! Oh, no. If you thought the Official Republican Rebuttal was all you got in this deal, you're wrong!


Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann pulled some awesome stupid in garnering the blessing of delivering the Tea Party rebuttal and CNN ate it up.



This is kind of like Ryan's rebuttal, but I'll bullet it for the sake of ...well, everyone loves bullets. (I mean bullet points people! I'm not advocating violence by discussing HTML type layout! JFC!)

• Are you truly starting your speech with a stock photo of the Constitution in the background? Who did this setup? AWFUL!
• Speaking of which, now we're doing graphs. Graphs? Were you living in a cave when Perot did his shit? Even I remember that!
• Slavery ended with our Founding Fathers? Are you in the 1st grade module of your GED?
• Lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.
• If you can't look into the camera, you're FAIL. FAIL all over. Look into the camera! OMFG!
• Did you just say "Iwo Jama?"

It only gets worse from here, folks.


Paul Broun



Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA, failed color spelling as child) had his own little rebuttal. Okay, it wasn't actually a rebuttal. It was more like he decided to NOT show up for the State of the Union and hang in his office man-cave and live-tweet about what he was seeing on the teevee. I'm not fucking kidding. Baby-cakes was grumpy - or pounded a little too much merlot with Boehner tailgating - and sat in his office during the SOTU.

Live-tweeting? You bet. Here are a few delicious bits out of the 24 posts he made after he opened the bottle:

All children will be poor if we continue with Obama's policies #fb #SOTU #TCOT

From my seat, Obama's call for more investments sounds like more govt spending #fb #SOTU #TCOT

I wonder if those kids can read their diploma. A lot of hs graduates cannot.

Mr. President, you don't believe in the Constitution. You believe in socialism.

Wow, that's some crazy, right? Oh, but not enough crazy. Not nearly enough. He showed up on some awesome right-wing radio to up the ante of nutter-ism:

The Republican Party is the party of K-N-O-W.
...
But we are the party of N-O against socialism and that’s what Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama have been proposing is a greater take over of everything in human endeavor in America.

Ah, so not just irrational and potentially drunk and obviously crazy, but totally fucking paranoid. That's the kind of leadership we need in the country. Hell, we don't even need that type of irrational stupidity in this country. Scary thing is, he's an elected leader.


...and if you call now...

Seriously, not done. Not yet. Why?

Christine O'Donnell

Our resident "not a witch" Christine O'Donnell was booked on Good Morning America. And she was pissed because all the good ideas were actually hers. Durr.




Seriously, next year, when Obama's giving the SOTU, why don't we treat it like it should be treated: a poorly-planned, inappropriate funeral service. Have all the Republicans hang out after the speech and then Boehner - after the President leaves - states "If anyone would like to say something about the speech, please come forward." And Boehner feeds them merlot and everyone can be judged by what they say in one place and feed the needed late-night numbers for all the cable stations.


If you'd like an idea, here's the rest of them:

SOTU - Beer Talk from the Peanut Gallery

Last night's SOTU was lovely. We had the prom scenario, Republicans and Democrats sitting together. We had red and blue and purple ties, and everyone clad in black/white ribbons as a show of support of rememberance of the Arizona shooting. The speech was leaked a couple hours before 9pm EST. I was watching CNN.

The following is a list of things I noticed or noted while watching and drinking beer:

The Event

• Walking in: Jaws? I don't know who this, but he needs to fire his orthodontist.
• Walking in: Hillary: "Great speech!" Obama: "I know; I don't even have to give it." (seriously, this was said - good job on the mics!)
• Obama says everyone can "work together tomorrow." Everyone clap! Love-in! "This is the dawning of the age of..." Oh, but maybe he meant "Tonight: go pound salt."
• Anyone else notice the CNN audio was over-modulated? Shouldn't this sound professional?
• Woohoo! I love Google and Facebook! Friend me! - seriously, if he'd mentioned a Foursquare swarm, everyone would've flipped their shit.
• Ah, Boehner. Speaker Boehner. He was wearing a red tie but then spilled merlot on it tailgating. His facial expressions gave it all away, though:
• Mean jowl curl "Argh, oil and insurance buys my merlot!"
• Lots of zoning out "I'm gonna drink the shit out of some merlot later."
• Confused "But- but- what about...? Who are you? You don't know me!"
• Nose wipe "Shouldn't have done that line with Cantor in the john. Hehe. My name's John."
• Yes, the science fair rocks over the Superbowl (Nerds represent!), but they don't have nearly the quality of commercials.
• South Korea teachers are called "Nation Builders." Sorry, that hints of scary nationalism.
• "Become a teacher!" Really? Maybe when we actually look at teachers like your Ideal Goggles do. I'd lose my house before going back to teach high school in NC where I started at $23,500 minus taxes minus 10% mandatory retirement, out of pocket expenses, and requirements of time and money I don't have for "continued education" classes. Seriously, you might have well said "Ditch diggers are treated like shit. But we need ditch diggers! Become a ditch digger!"
• $10K/yr tax credit for college tuition is going to do nothing to change the general trend of faster and higher tuition rates, a.k.a. the financial rape of college students.
• The POTUS is 100 feet from you and you're really reading the leaked speech as its being given?
• Nice reminder of the things government controls that might be considered socialism but are actually a good idea: speed limits and child labor laws.
• Did the lower-third font guy take a really long shit? Actual labels for audience shots? I could count on them on one hand.
• Napping count: 3. But I wasn't looking that hard.
• Dear President Obama: the Taliban is a bad, bad organization. You pronounced it "Tallie Bonne" and we were wondering if that is a stage comedy, dance troupe, or candy.

Rebuttals

Paul Ryan gave the official Republican rebuttal-- Actually, between the-- trust me, the rebuttals need their own post. Link will be here once I finish composing it.

Or composting it. Click here for the follow-up post.

Piano (Sand) Bar

So there's a piano on a sandbar in Miami. No one knows how it got there. (via Gawker).

I'm not too concerned as long as we don't have to see Harvey Keitel's penis.

SOTU - Tonight!

Tonight the proceedings of the State of the Union Address will begin at 8pm EST with the hoopla and pundits talking over live camera with the actual address beginning around 9pm, concluding around 10pm.

Then, as is normal, Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) will deliver the official Republican party rebuttal to Obama's speech.

BUT WAIT! There's more! If you tune into CNN for your coverage, you'll be treated to Michele Bachmann's (R-Minn.) Tea Party rebuttal. That's right - crazy as a meth'ed up mumbling transient, Michele Bachmann will be addressing the nation.

But wait. CNN?

Yep. Apparently not even Fox has announced that they will air her speech in its entirety. Just CNN. And hell, they've got my vote. I'll be there with pen and paper busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest to make notes on all the crazy.

Sidenote: Tea Party Express will be streaming live on their site, but since conservatives don't know how to work those internets, they'll probably all be watching CNN too :)

SOTU? STFU!

Now that would be a speech.



Update: Boo, Photobucket. Boo!

In Short: Hannity & Child Porn

How many times do we have to listen to Sean Hannity and the rest of the goons on the right disregard well-founded opinions and ideas because the poor caller might not be able to come up with a quote on the spot of something that happened 12 years ago? What about berating callers for not reading thousand-page bills when they had their interns do the markup of the good parts?

"No, give me an example; you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Heh heh."

Today I had the frustrating joy of hearing Hannity address the MTV show "Skins," a fictional new show on MTV that portrays very young, very horny kids. The OMG TMZ WTF flap going on now is that the entertainment media is tossing around terms like "child porn."

Rut-roh, our hero Seannity to the rescue! Only Sean did nothing more than trip over his cape. He apparently had gone through the extent of skimming an article about outrage over a show before offering platitudes about the bigger themes like: the viability of potential lawsuits, how far artistic expression needs to go to get a point across, and lamenting the loss of innocence of children.

But he never saw the show. He had no knowledge that it was an American remake of a British show. He kept calling it a movie.

Note to Sean: offering uninformed opinions is just that no matter what the setting. You want to rail against the show? Buck up and watch the damn thing. Then you can sanctimoniously lead the charge to save the souls of the youth of America.

But right now? "No, give me an example; you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Heh heh."

Assclown.

Do the Potty Dance

You will hate me, but it must be seen.