That's My Governor!

I have a feeling this is going to be a regular and depressing feature. From ThinkProgress:

Delivering on his vision for a "new way," Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R-OH) "is on pace to be the first governor since 1962 to have an entire Cabinet without any racial diversity." Every one of his 22 full-time agency head appointments has been a white person. Only five are women. Dubbing diversity as "metrics that people tend to focus on," Kasich said, "I can't say I need to find somebody to fit this metric" because "it’s not the way I look at those things. I want the best possible team I can get."

Yesterday, the Ohio Legislative Black Caucus held a press conference to express their waning patience with his dismissive attitude and "implore[] Kasich to make better strides to diversify his Cabinet." But according to State Senator Nina Turner (D-OH), this time Kasich’s response was a bit more blunt. According to Turner, when the caucus offered him help in finding qualified minority applicants, Kasich told Turner, "I don’t need your people."

FMS: Fuck my state. Argh!

Kooch's Teeth

Copy of an email sent out by Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D - OH) pertaining to the lawsuit you may or may not have heard of:

Regarding Settlement of Dental Injury Law Suit

Dear Friend,

Though I would prefer to focus your attention on my work dealing with the profoundly important issues that face our nation, such as job creation, getting the economy back on track, and ending the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq - it seems that some are more interested in discussing my personal dental issues. Given the degree of public interest you should know some details:

This injury required nearly two years, three dental surgeries, and a substantial amount of money to rectify.

The legal action you have heard about was filed due to the severity, expense and duration of the dental injury, the complications which followed and which still persist. I wanted to resolve this matter without filing a lawsuit. The events below involved numerous dental visits, more than are detailed in this summary.The dental injury set in motion a chain of dental and medical events.

When I bit into the olive pit, (unbeknown to me at the time), upon impact the tooth split in half, vertically through the crown and the tooth, below the level of the bone. Externally there was no evidence of a break. This was not about aesthetics. The internal structure of the tooth was rendered nonrestorable.Although the pain was excruciating, I shook it off and I went right back to work.

This tooth is a key tooth which anchored my upper bridgework. The injured tooth and the bone above it became infected. I took a course of antibiotics for the infection, had an adverse reaction to the antibiotics which caused me to have an intestinal obstruction and emergency medical intervention.

Later, my dentist referred me to a specialist who informed me that the damaged tooth had to be removed. A third dentist removed the tooth and I was fitted for a temporary partial. I waited for the bone to heal. An implant was placed, but it failed. Many months later still a second implant succeeded. My bridgework had to be completely reconfigured, a new partial was designed, so this injury did not affect only one tooth, but rather involved six (6) replacement teeth as well. A new crown with a new precision attachment was engineered and put in place. To clarify, no dental expenses were covered by any health plan, nor did I have dental insurance that covered the injury, which, until it was resolved, affected my ability to chew food properly.

The clamor for information about this incident requires that I provide at least this much information. I would have liked to provide such details sooner but did not want it said that I was trying the case in the media. So that is why I declined any interviews about the matter.The parties have exchanged information and after some investigation and discussion have resolved the matter for an amount all parties believe reflects the actual out-of-pocket expenses related to this incident. The terms of the settlement are confidential; however, I feel that the defendants have responded fairly and reasonably. I don't want to have to make another dental visit for a very long time, and will be making no further comment on this matter.

Thank you very much.

You Wish This Was Your Van, Yo!

He AIMs to please. You aim too, please.



Hoooooooooowwwwwwwwwl! Wolf orgy!



Hells yeah it's the m'f'in Dazzler.



Der monsters on me van!

Jayherrod1 & Selena Gomez

Thank you Tosh.0 for the horror that is Jay Herrod.



This is tame. Visit his page to see all 63 videos covering topics from more Selena Gomez to politics to his most recent video [kinda NSFW], in which he appears to be wearing just a loose skirt, announcing his appearance at an Austin, TX club to do a sexy birthday strip tease.

I apologize in advance. But it's a bad you have to experience.



Seriously, dude. WTF?

SOTU Rebuttal Party - From Vapid to Insane

You read the SOTU review already, right?

Okay then. Now we're going to talk about the rebuttals. Hehe, I said butt.

Paul Ryan



It's official! Or just the official response. Honestly, on the kind end, it was as vapid as Jindal's. No ideas, mostly negative, same damn talking points. Negatively, he said basically if we don't do what Republicans say is best, "America's best century will be considered our past century." Ass.

But I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time on his words. Why? Holy shit, Paul Ryan looked like he was stoned off his ass. His droopy, pink-ass eyes made him look like he'd just stumbled off the Mystery Mobile before getting in front of the cameras. I was looking for Scooby Snack crumbs on his suit in HD. Ryan: don't you have someone who looks at you before you get on camera? What if you'd fallen asleep and someone drew a dick on your face in Sharpie? Damn!


That's all I have on Ryan. But we're not done! Oh, no. If you thought the Official Republican Rebuttal was all you got in this deal, you're wrong!


Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann pulled some awesome stupid in garnering the blessing of delivering the Tea Party rebuttal and CNN ate it up.



This is kind of like Ryan's rebuttal, but I'll bullet it for the sake of ...well, everyone loves bullets. (I mean bullet points people! I'm not advocating violence by discussing HTML type layout! JFC!)

• Are you truly starting your speech with a stock photo of the Constitution in the background? Who did this setup? AWFUL!
• Speaking of which, now we're doing graphs. Graphs? Were you living in a cave when Perot did his shit? Even I remember that!
• Slavery ended with our Founding Fathers? Are you in the 1st grade module of your GED?
• Lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.
• If you can't look into the camera, you're FAIL. FAIL all over. Look into the camera! OMFG!
• Did you just say "Iwo Jama?"

It only gets worse from here, folks.


Paul Broun



Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA, failed color spelling as child) had his own little rebuttal. Okay, it wasn't actually a rebuttal. It was more like he decided to NOT show up for the State of the Union and hang in his office man-cave and live-tweet about what he was seeing on the teevee. I'm not fucking kidding. Baby-cakes was grumpy - or pounded a little too much merlot with Boehner tailgating - and sat in his office during the SOTU.

Live-tweeting? You bet. Here are a few delicious bits out of the 24 posts he made after he opened the bottle:

All children will be poor if we continue with Obama's policies #fb #SOTU #TCOT

From my seat, Obama's call for more investments sounds like more govt spending #fb #SOTU #TCOT

I wonder if those kids can read their diploma. A lot of hs graduates cannot.

Mr. President, you don't believe in the Constitution. You believe in socialism.

Wow, that's some crazy, right? Oh, but not enough crazy. Not nearly enough. He showed up on some awesome right-wing radio to up the ante of nutter-ism:

The Republican Party is the party of K-N-O-W.
...
But we are the party of N-O against socialism and that’s what Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama have been proposing is a greater take over of everything in human endeavor in America.

Ah, so not just irrational and potentially drunk and obviously crazy, but totally fucking paranoid. That's the kind of leadership we need in the country. Hell, we don't even need that type of irrational stupidity in this country. Scary thing is, he's an elected leader.


...and if you call now...

Seriously, not done. Not yet. Why?

Christine O'Donnell

Our resident "not a witch" Christine O'Donnell was booked on Good Morning America. And she was pissed because all the good ideas were actually hers. Durr.




Seriously, next year, when Obama's giving the SOTU, why don't we treat it like it should be treated: a poorly-planned, inappropriate funeral service. Have all the Republicans hang out after the speech and then Boehner - after the President leaves - states "If anyone would like to say something about the speech, please come forward." And Boehner feeds them merlot and everyone can be judged by what they say in one place and feed the needed late-night numbers for all the cable stations.


If you'd like an idea, here's the rest of them:

SOTU - Beer Talk from the Peanut Gallery

Last night's SOTU was lovely. We had the prom scenario, Republicans and Democrats sitting together. We had red and blue and purple ties, and everyone clad in black/white ribbons as a show of support of rememberance of the Arizona shooting. The speech was leaked a couple hours before 9pm EST. I was watching CNN.

The following is a list of things I noticed or noted while watching and drinking beer:

The Event

• Walking in: Jaws? I don't know who this, but he needs to fire his orthodontist.
• Walking in: Hillary: "Great speech!" Obama: "I know; I don't even have to give it." (seriously, this was said - good job on the mics!)
• Obama says everyone can "work together tomorrow." Everyone clap! Love-in! "This is the dawning of the age of..." Oh, but maybe he meant "Tonight: go pound salt."
• Anyone else notice the CNN audio was over-modulated? Shouldn't this sound professional?
• Woohoo! I love Google and Facebook! Friend me! - seriously, if he'd mentioned a Foursquare swarm, everyone would've flipped their shit.
• Ah, Boehner. Speaker Boehner. He was wearing a red tie but then spilled merlot on it tailgating. His facial expressions gave it all away, though:
• Mean jowl curl "Argh, oil and insurance buys my merlot!"
• Lots of zoning out "I'm gonna drink the shit out of some merlot later."
• Confused "But- but- what about...? Who are you? You don't know me!"
• Nose wipe "Shouldn't have done that line with Cantor in the john. Hehe. My name's John."
• Yes, the science fair rocks over the Superbowl (Nerds represent!), but they don't have nearly the quality of commercials.
• South Korea teachers are called "Nation Builders." Sorry, that hints of scary nationalism.
• "Become a teacher!" Really? Maybe when we actually look at teachers like your Ideal Goggles do. I'd lose my house before going back to teach high school in NC where I started at $23,500 minus taxes minus 10% mandatory retirement, out of pocket expenses, and requirements of time and money I don't have for "continued education" classes. Seriously, you might have well said "Ditch diggers are treated like shit. But we need ditch diggers! Become a ditch digger!"
• $10K/yr tax credit for college tuition is going to do nothing to change the general trend of faster and higher tuition rates, a.k.a. the financial rape of college students.
• The POTUS is 100 feet from you and you're really reading the leaked speech as its being given?
• Nice reminder of the things government controls that might be considered socialism but are actually a good idea: speed limits and child labor laws.
• Did the lower-third font guy take a really long shit? Actual labels for audience shots? I could count on them on one hand.
• Napping count: 3. But I wasn't looking that hard.
• Dear President Obama: the Taliban is a bad, bad organization. You pronounced it "Tallie Bonne" and we were wondering if that is a stage comedy, dance troupe, or candy.

Rebuttals

Paul Ryan gave the official Republican rebuttal-- Actually, between the-- trust me, the rebuttals need their own post. Link will be here once I finish composing it.

Or composting it. Click here for the follow-up post.

Piano (Sand) Bar

So there's a piano on a sandbar in Miami. No one knows how it got there. (via Gawker).

I'm not too concerned as long as we don't have to see Harvey Keitel's penis.

SOTU - Tonight!

Tonight the proceedings of the State of the Union Address will begin at 8pm EST with the hoopla and pundits talking over live camera with the actual address beginning around 9pm, concluding around 10pm.

Then, as is normal, Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) will deliver the official Republican party rebuttal to Obama's speech.

BUT WAIT! There's more! If you tune into CNN for your coverage, you'll be treated to Michele Bachmann's (R-Minn.) Tea Party rebuttal. That's right - crazy as a meth'ed up mumbling transient, Michele Bachmann will be addressing the nation.

But wait. CNN?

Yep. Apparently not even Fox has announced that they will air her speech in its entirety. Just CNN. And hell, they've got my vote. I'll be there with pen and paper busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest to make notes on all the crazy.

Sidenote: Tea Party Express will be streaming live on their site, but since conservatives don't know how to work those internets, they'll probably all be watching CNN too :)

SOTU? STFU!

Now that would be a speech.



Update: Boo, Photobucket. Boo!

In Short: Hannity & Child Porn

How many times do we have to listen to Sean Hannity and the rest of the goons on the right disregard well-founded opinions and ideas because the poor caller might not be able to come up with a quote on the spot of something that happened 12 years ago? What about berating callers for not reading thousand-page bills when they had their interns do the markup of the good parts?

"No, give me an example; you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Heh heh."

Today I had the frustrating joy of hearing Hannity address the MTV show "Skins," a fictional new show on MTV that portrays very young, very horny kids. The OMG TMZ WTF flap going on now is that the entertainment media is tossing around terms like "child porn."

Rut-roh, our hero Seannity to the rescue! Only Sean did nothing more than trip over his cape. He apparently had gone through the extent of skimming an article about outrage over a show before offering platitudes about the bigger themes like: the viability of potential lawsuits, how far artistic expression needs to go to get a point across, and lamenting the loss of innocence of children.

But he never saw the show. He had no knowledge that it was an American remake of a British show. He kept calling it a movie.

Note to Sean: offering uninformed opinions is just that no matter what the setting. You want to rail against the show? Buck up and watch the damn thing. Then you can sanctimoniously lead the charge to save the souls of the youth of America.

But right now? "No, give me an example; you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Heh heh."

Assclown.

Do the Potty Dance

You will hate me, but it must be seen.

Michelle Obama is Killing More People than Obesity

Your first reaction: Are you fucking serious? Yes. Yes I am. Here's the article insinuating that Michelle Obama's Let's Move program is to blame for an increase in pedestrian deaths. Because when you get out there and are active, that means more people can hit you with their cars while they're not getting fit.

(Personally, I'd maybe, just perhaps, posit a secondary source: a shitty economy & jobs situation. No money for gas = walky-walky when you'd normally drivey-drivey.)


No, but there's more!


First off, I don't think she should've been talking about Barack like that in front of kids.


So before I even read the article about car accidents, I keyed into this:




Do you see it? Perhaps this will help:



Yes, the original logo looks like it's plowing into someone upside-down. And if I can see that in .5 seconds, how did everyone on the graphics team miss it?

House Republicans Win Victory for Shallowness

House voted to repeal Healthcare Bill!

Of course, the Senate won't even vote on it and even if they did, Obama would veto it.

Sounds like a bunch of drunk college freshmen on their first St. Patrick's Day, just after Kegs N Eggs shouting "Yeah, and we'll tell the President of the University that books shouldn't cost so dang much! That'll show 'em!"

Except that few people at this point think repeal should be a major focus.

So now that the "We don't really have any ideas" of the new Republican rule of the House has been fully-realized, what's next? Revisit the Obama birth cert?

Dude, this is Whack

Told ya.

Driving Libs Crazy #18

Here's the goons #18:

Start a rumor:
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is the only person known to have had extensive plastic surgery to make himself look uglier. Sick to death of being admired for his beauty and not his economic brains, Tim "Baywatch" Geithner (as he used to be known) paid over $259,000 to have his face surgically re-constructed to resemble that of the sniggering cartoon character Beavis (from Beavis and Butthead). This lends a poignant twist to his nomination last year as one of People magazine's top 50 beautiful people. Originally, this was ascribed to the fact that Geithner's brother is a vice president at People. In fact, however, it was a tribute by those who remembered just how crazily handsome Geithner used to be. Geithner, however, has no regrets. "The way women used me—it was disgusting. I was nothing more than a piece of meat to them."

Hahaha! Because someone's appearance is way more funny than ...actually ...fighting ideas. :(

Haven't some on the right eviscerated us on the left for physical character analysis? Even though Rush talked about Tip like Jabba the Hutt in '84?

So next time someone on the right accuses you of an ad hominem attack, please throw this in their faces.

With Conservatives, Stupid Sticks

President Hu of China stopped by D.C. today to have a meeting with Obama and let him know - wink wink nudge nudge - that they and Walmart will eventually crush us and if that doesn't work, the army they have will do it physically, though many of them are only 9, but hey, if they can make our Nike's and fuck our tourists, by gum they can shoot a shoddy rifle!

Seriously, though, Matt Drudge thought it important that his headline link to an article about how China's going to rule the world. But Matt did something MUCH more interesting; he used this image as the headline:



You may recall that the conservatards on the teevee and the ay-aym were hard at work to spread the word that the Nuclear Security Summit in D.C. in 2010 was not only going to take away all our nukes, but that the logo itself was like one of those Islamic moons (not an abstract atomic model, not at all).

So Matt Drudge has created an ignorant conservative propaganda night terror: Obama (they're gonna take our guns and democracy), China (they're gonna take our jobs and financial stability - hey, let's go to Walmart), "Red dragon" (Godless communists gonna take our Pledge), Nuclear disarmament reminder (they're gonna take our nukes), and ...something about Islam (they're gonna take our Christianity). And Obama's head is slightly bowed! OMG! He's already surrendering!

If this man knows what he's doing, he is horrifying. Sweet dreams.

Van Extravaganza: Scary to Magnificent!

It's almost Wednesday...


Makes me feel dirty


This too, though clearly a 'shop. '70's all over, bad "spraypaint" job.


WTF?


Triple wolf howl with huge ...well, at least you know who's doin' the rapin'.


I am blinded by the magnificence of moon-howling wolf, wizard, and unicorn. Seriously, if there is a sworded warrior, dragon, and scantily clad woman on the other side it would be tangible awesome on four wheels, a gift from the gods themselves.

Sarah Palin Battle Hymn

This will pain your heart, soul, and mind. I'm sorry, but it must be seen.

She's a cold blast from Alaska
Ingrained with common sense
She's not a Harvard lawyer
But she knew what the Founders meant
A cold blast from the north
That freezes Congress in their tracks
With God and the Tea Party
She's gonna take it back

[Chorus]
Sarah Palin, she won't listen to their bunk
Sarah Palin's comin' south to hunt some skunk
Sarah Palin, she'll throw them all in jail
And when she gets to Washington
It'll be cold as hell

Sarah has the wisdom
To walk through an open door
She is stomping out the wretches
Where the evil lines are stored
She will scrub the floors and sweep the riff raff into cracks
With God and the Tea Party
She's gonna take it back

[Chorus]

[Spoken]
Congress patted themselves on the back
For some new bill they just passed
I watch as my freedom slowly runs through an hourglass
They think they spend our money better than we do
But they can talk until they're blue and old
'Cause if they ever gave us anything
They always wanted something in return
Sarah knows.

Sarah's marching home

(h/t Crooks & Liars)


YouTube says our vocalist is Gary McVay, which might be the owner of Gloryland Recording Studio and while I'm guessing it's not, wouldn't it be funny if writer Tom Dempsey way actually MO State Senator Tom Dempsey?


UPDATE: If you want to see some crazy, check out Ralph's comment. If you want to see a whole tub of batshit nutty going back to '06, click the link to his blog. It's not gimmicky or infuriating, simply incoherent insanity.

Americans are NOT Stupid

Your brain will hurt.

Makin' Libs Crazy #16

You may have read my last post on 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy. Well, I've had little to report because most of them are stupid as you can imagine. But today's a slow day and they're at #16 already:

On his birthday (January 17), quote Benjamin Franklin: "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." Tell your liberal friends Franklin was referring to government-controlled health care.

Hahaha, those - wait, what?
Two points here:

1. The quote can't even be bent around or shoehorned into healthcare with a crowbar. There is no essential liberty being lost, nor temporary safety gained.
2. Us crazy liberals have been using this quote since just after 9/11 when Prez Bush used fear and terror to push through the Patriot Act which took a chunk out of our civil liberties with the promise that it was necessary to beat the terrorists.

This, once again, expresses how selectively ignorant of history the conservatives in America are, and how they proudly shout it from the rooftops.

Today's Drudgery

A smattering of the stupid Drudge is linking to with smarmy comments.

• Mexican gunman fires across border toward U.S. highway workers - The bullets worked really hard but turned to run back when spotted by officials.
• Homeland Security Axes Bush-Era 'Virtual Fence' Project - There goes SecondLife Texas...
• Russia nears arms pact approval, warns on pullout - If you're pulling out of a treaty on reducing nuclear weapons, we've got a little more to worry about than you pulling out of a treaty on reducing nuclear weapons.
• Rescuers struggle as Brazil flood deaths rise - Christ the Redeemer says "Oy, what a view!"
• California says poker is the answer to budget woes - it's unclear whether they are speaking of prostitution or card games. Poke 'er in the rear; lick 'er in the front!
• Judge rules inmate 'bitten on penis by rodent' may sue - Inmate confused, already named rodent Sue; other inmates jealous, want state to fund willing rodent population. Must be mouse 'cause rats get shanked.
• Houston couple to cease and desist: Need feeding permit for homeless - No joke here; this is just what's wrong with the whole fucking state of Texas
• Pope John Paul II moves a step closer to sainthood - finding no proof he fucked any little boys, Vatican declared it a miracle.
• Minnesota Wrestling Coach Put on Leave for Reportedly Insulting Obama, Challenging Him to a Fight - Only a wrestling coach. When he heard PJPII was heading towards sainthood he replied "What about my ma? She's a saint. I'll frickin' fight 'im. I'll kick his ass."
• Fox shoots man - God's sense of humor: a literal representation of the Tuscon tragedy
• Police Describe Photos of Loughner Posing With Gun (Seriously) he was wearing a red g-string. Police speculate it was a gift from Brit Hume

Anything else we need to bitch about?

In Short: Conservative Killer Causation

If anyone's tired of hearing from every right wing tool that there is not nor has there ever been proof of any getting all kill-y over conservative rhetoric, send them to this post over at Slate.

In the comments on the roundup of recent political murders by right-wingers, reader Andrew Bockover points out that I missed a big one. In July of 2008, unemployed truck driver Jim Adkisson opened fire with a shotgun during a performance of "Annie" at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church, killing two people and wounding several others.

Adkisson attacked the church because he identified it as liberal, and he had specifically planned to go out and assassinate liberals. "This was a symbolic killing," he wrote in a four-page manifesto. "Who I wanted to kill was every Democrat in the Senate, + House, the 100 people in Bernard Goldberg's book. I'd like to kill everyone in the Mainstream Media. But I knew these people were inaccessible to me."

More at the link, but I'd say that's pretty much case in point.

O'Reilly's Prince of Peace of Tides

Did you guys catch this one?



About 1:50 Bill O'Reilly washes up on the beach when he equates the tides to an unexplainable mystery of God. (Note: tidal forces are caused by the moon. It's science!)

At 2:40, world-traveled man of mystery has "never" seen a Christian sign on the side of the road referring to hell. Damn, you think he'd see one even if he never ventured outside of Fox studios.



Here's just one example, Bill-O. You can find this one in a field on the eastern side of I-71 between Columbus and Cincinnati (travelling north it displays the 10 commandments).

And that concludes today's lesson. Now drop to your knees and pray to the invisible man in the sky.

In Short: The Shooter - Republican or Democrat?

Jared Loughner, the "alleged" shooter of Tuscon, was neither - a registered independent.

Left says he was a conservative, or at least affected by the nasty, violent imagery of folks like Beck and Palin.

Right says he had The Communist Manifesto in his house, so that's socialist and the liberals are to blame.

I say he was horribly disturbed, but de facto must claim him as a liberal. Why?

He actually read books.

DeLay Skips White House for Big House

The tragedy in Arizona is on all our minds. But let's not miss the fact that the former Republican Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, was sentenced to 3 years in prison.

And the liberal talk shows are skipping this one, so you know the right wingnuts will stay the course of blaming Tuscon on the left while crybabying that the left's blaming it on them and just give the DeLay story a pass.

Fags Killed the Birds

Seriously. Didn't you know?

What's So Odd?

Enough of the politics and religion. Let's just stare at some weird shit. Found these labeled "odd."











Yep, those are certainly odd.

Have a great weekend!

More New People? Yay!

I've got that lovely little box on the right that shows me a smattering of the last few people who have decided to publicly follow me. And I like to take time out and say hello. Why? Because I'm motherfucking friendly, that's why.


(for purposes of this post, everyone after 9/1/10 is a n00b)

I see Rawknrobyn
and Dave who runs Dave's Travel Corner and others
and Genny Yarnbomb
and Sally at Between Here & There
and Silliyak
and Matt at Shadow of Iris
and Molly who's Just Pleasantly Floundering Around
and lunamother at Queen of the Universe

Cheers and link juice to you all!


...I'd like to have a Superman day...

Van Mural ...Thursday: Pedobear & WTF?

No good rape van is complete without a Pedobear mural.




Yep, this would be the WTF part.

In Short: Republican Humor & Muslims

Rut-rho! Human Events has launched its 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy (from book by James Delingpole). Awww, based on how humor and conservatives have mixed in the past (oil and water), this is gonna be good.

#5:
Pop 'round to your nearest extremist mosque with a bottle of Pepsi. Say to the Imam:

"Look I know you guys say you love death more than you love this stuff. But have a sip—you might just change your mind."

Hahaha. Wait. WTF? What does that even mean?

But they did get one thing right: Blatant examples of ignorance and intolerance drive me crazy.

I guess I'll be getting one of these every day. I'll pass on any others of note.


UPDATE: Huge thanks to On Smash in comments for giving us a nice reference simultaneously explaining #5 and proving how fact-deficient conservatives are.

That Lying Malkin and Catholic Hospitals

Michele Malkin, like most of the right-wing conspiracy nuts, is more than pleased to stretch the truth and leave out inconvenient facts in order to drive the "ACLU is the Devil" and "War on Religion." This past week on GOPUSA, she penned an ignorant rant entitled The ACLU's Unholy War on Catholic Hospitals. Malkin writes:

Civil liberties activists have a particular vendetta against devout Phoenix Catholic Bishop Thomas Olmsted, who recently revoked the Catholic status of a rogue hospital that performed several direct abortions, provided birth control pills and presided over sterilizations against the church’s ethical and religious directives for health care.

Through all her blathering, Malkin got one thing right: there is an Unholy War on Catholic Hospitals. But that war is coming from the Catholic Church itself.

Let's take a look at the actual facts of the story of St. Joseph's:

• Founded in 1895 by Sisters of Mercy (yeah, not exactly "rogue")
• Performed an abortion as a last resort to save the life of a mother - who already had 4 kids - because severe symptoms of pulmonary hypertension would have killed her.
• The child could not have survived out of the womb, i.e., would have died either way: due to abortion or because the mother was dead.
• Bishop Thomas Olmsted excommunicated the nun involved in the decision.
• Bishop then stripped the Catholic status of the hospital based on this one event.

Malkin is out of touch and a liar. Bishop Olmsted is a sanctimonious moron.

As opposed to this being a story about the ACLU, this is a story about how far removed from reality the patriarchy of the Catholic Church is in our world. A lot of people in the Catholic Community are upset about this event, and not because an abortion was performed. On the contrary, Catholics nationwide are wondering how a bishop could choose doctrine over life, could publicly say that in the eyes of God it is better that a woman and her unborn child die and leave four children motherless than make the best of a terrible situation. And on top of it? Let's damn a nun to hell. Nice.

Catholics are splintering off, creating their own congregations, or simply no longer attending church because more and more people are realizing that in the arcane structure of the Catholic Church the Rules of Man take precedence over the Grace of God, that volumes and volumes of guidelines lose the most basic tenets of the simplest things Jesus ever said. "Treat others the way you would like to be treated." "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to get into heaven." Stuff like that.

So that's the story, Michele. I realize that anything that comes from the right is suspect, but this was just deplorable. It's not the ACLU or Barack Obama or George Soros or lefties or Democrats that are in the wrong here; it is the Catholic Church.

Holidays Remix

And so I'm back, from outer space...

As I mentioned in my last post, we had a bit of a rough holiday. In 4 quick steps:

• I ended up going back to Cleveland early for my godmother's funeral the day before Xmas. Pancreatic cancer is a nasty thing.
• Just after the funeral, my 4 year old niece took a header off a small trampoline to land teeth-first on the edge of the round base of a papasan chair. She needed stitches in the side of her mouth, chipped 3 teeth, fractured the front 2 above the gumline, and bled for over 24 hours. My brother-in-law did not make it to NY where he was planning on spending Xmas with his family.
• My mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away Sunday night, right after Christmas. Service was Wednesday. I don't think it's fully sunk in yet for me, and I'm just planning to be here for Mrs. Shambles when the full gravity hits her.
• Thursday a close friend of the family turned blue and almost choked to death at the dinner table. Luckily my sister's a medic.

At this point, while only symbolic, I'm glad we're done with 2010.

Rough Holidays

I'll be back next week. Rough holidays. Came into town early for my godmother's funeral, staying late as Mrs. Shambles' mother passed away Sunday night. After Mrs. Shambles' aunt and grandmother going earlier this year, we're all looking forward to the end of 2010.

Disintegration of Society

This is the bed we made. Burn it and rebuild.



If I had a kid like that: hey, guess what? You read your fucking book - right now! - or I'll set the Wii on fire!

In Short: Jesus, Republicans, & the Rich

Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.
Luke 18:25

Variations abound, but this is one of those that shows up with Matthew, Mark, and Luke.

How are the angrily-sanctimonious Republicans counting themselves amongst the heavenly-bound Christians while shouting down gay rights (which Jesus said - NOTHING - about) and beating down provisions for the poor and troubled (9/11 workers) while trying to make the rich richer?

Note to Republicans: Jesus said y'all are camels. Enjoy Hell.

NRA is Scam Spam BS Loopholing It

I like guns. When used by kitties and angry bears. No, seriously, when handled responsibly by sane individuals for purposes of defense, I have no issue with firearms. In fact, my personal, somewhat-irrational fear of the world coming apart at the seams has prompted me to look into purchasing a handgun, though I have as of yet not done so.

But the point of this post is that I was trying to catch a snooze on my lunch break today and a call came in from Virginia. Okay. So I picked it up and it was a call from the NRA. "This is 'Sally' from the National Rifle Association and we would like your opinion on a poll. The Obama administration - you would not believe what they are doing. They are trying to take away your guns. We have a statement by NRA VP that we'd like you to listen to and would like your comment."

I knew it wasn't a robocall because of how bad the reading was. Terrible. It was a Saturday Night Live skit gone horribly wrong. "...you would not believe..." was delivered in such a way that the woman herself had just been introduced to this script, it was written in crayon by a 3 year old and she was told to feign outrage but wasn't quite sure what the word outrage or the word feign meant - and her supervisor had his thumb in her butthole.

So at that point, not wanting to further my pain, I replied calmly and concisely: "Stop scaring people with made up bullshit and I might consider it." *click*


And the thing that pissed me off was not that they had my number from who-knows-what or that they interrupted my lunchtime nappy or that Obama has no intention of taking people's guns away from them but that they were totally gaming the system.

Here in the USA since 2004, if you put your number on the Do Not Call Registry, then you're solid - bitches can't call you and bug you to sell you something. But the U.S. Chamber and lawmakers inserted a couple of notable exceptions for exemptions:

• Any not-for-profit organizations
• Any political organization
• Companies conducting surveys

So I got double-punked on this call: I've got a not-for-profit organization "conducting a survey." They're using those two to spread biased, fear-mongering misinformation to strike political terror into the hearts of "patriots."

Now I didn't go through the whole survey and maybe I should've - I know you enjoy when I put my mind in the line of fire by listening to Rush and Glenn and Sean on a regular basis. But I can tell you the last question in that survey: Are you interested in how you can stop this threat to your liberty and the United States Constitution? And then you tell them they are allowed to contact you.

Bottom line: The NRA is using deception and lies and misinformation and loopholes to scare the shit out of ignorant Americans and boost their dues take. And isn't that the image they're trying to avoid?


So when I do decide it's better for me to have a gun and not need one than need a gun and not have one, I will make my purchase(s) happily and proudly. But I will not join the NRA. They can take their political misinformation and put it in Sally's bunghole with her super's thumb.

Tea Party Attacks Methodists

Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has a dream: "No more Methodist Church."

"The Methodist church is pro-illegal immigration," he continues. "They have been in the bag for socialist health care, going as far as sending out emails to their membership "debunking" the myths of Obamacare. Say, where are the liberal complaints on the separation of church and state?"

"In short, if you hate America, you have a great future in the Methodist church," he says.

(via Gawker)

The sad truth of some of the mind-fuckery that is reality for these people is that in order to be American, you must not only be Christian, but you must be the right KIND of Christian. In other words, if you're not Judson then you hate America.

Somehow that seems both un-American and un-Christian to me.

Hey, Little Girl, Come Here...

It's been a while and this isn't even a mural, but hearkens back to the roots of my weekly phenomenon. Click the [Van Mural] tag below to see some past mural posts. Enjoy!

Cthulhu Sex

I'd like to post the picture here, well-knowing my blog is generally pretty NSW, but instead I'll just give you the link and you can click it. Then it's your fault.

Seriously, I'm warning you. They're called Necromicox. Or maybe I just enticed you.

Cthulhu sex-toys! (via BoingBoing)

...I told you :(

FOX News Aaaah! Angry! Yelling! Stuff!

All the world's news agencies had about the same story going earlier today:

BAIL MADE: Assange granted bail, but Swedish authorities have since appealed the bail, and Assange must remain behind bars until he returns to court on Thursday.

Okay, not so crazy, not wacky or nutty. Ah, but then there was FOX News' headline this morning on "Fox and Friends":

AMERICANS HATING AMERICA: Michael Moore offering bail money to Wikileaks perpetrator Assange.


Note to FOX: Assange, as much as it makes you so shake-your-fist squint-your-eyes clench-your-firearm angry, is not in jail for anything having to do with Wikileaks, nor has he been charged, censured, censored, or spanked on the bottom because of Wikileaks.

"But he's gots a Fernch-soundin' name and pretty hair and he's givin' away our sekrets on a Wiki and ...what's a Wiki anyways?!"

Second note to FOX: Even Secretary of Defense Gates doesn't think the whole "leaks" issue is anything to worry about. At all:

Now, I’ve heard the impact of these releases on our foreign policy described as a meltdown, as a game-changer, and so on. I think – I think those descriptions are fairly significantly overwrought. The fact is, governments deal with the United States because it’s in their interest, not because they like us, not because they trust us, and not because they believe we can keep secrets.

"Woll, then Michael Moore likes doughnuts ...cause he's fat and Assaounnnge's a fag and Obama's a stupid ni-- naughty stupid head and that makes you a fat gay dummy."

Yeah, that's kinda where the arguments always end up, isn't it?

3 Year Old Crying. She Loves Justin Bieber. Duh.

But it's okay... (sorry, I guess I just posted the first movie again for a bit - Fixed!)...

Louis C.K. on being White

Hilarity.

New Old ...What?

This elf appears ready to spread a little more than holiday cheer.


In the song "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" the last lines are

Everyone's dancing merrily
In a new old fashioned way

What is the "new old fashioned way" and why does that phrase grate on my soul to the point of not just ruining what is a pretty festive and enjoyable ditty but sours my outlook for hours?

Up, Down, All Around: I'm a Karmic Pinball?!

Today was a good day. Today was a bad day.

I launched out of the house a little after 5am to go visit my sister who is in prison. Yes, the Big House. Addict issues. She's been there for a few months and it was my first visit. Unfortunately, after 2 1/2 hours of driving there, I found I was not on her list of accepted visitors, despite my confirmed reservation. I drove home sad for my inability to see her, but more for her because I know she was excited to see me and it was an oversight on her part and I know she would be devastated knowing my other sister was there and finding out it was her fault I only made it to the parking lot.

I was worried and stressed about seeing her, figuring "What could be worse?" in visiting her. This was much, much worse.

On the way home I stopped at the Sprint store because I need my old phone to tell my replacement about all my contacts. And they could do it - if they had one of my old phones to use because the touchscreen is dead. Against all odds, the 4 repair shops in the region were void of my phone. Boo.

The good? I finally got the cable remote control to talk to my TV. That was actually the height of my day because it was the only thing I accomplished and completed on a positive level.

I'm not a bad person, so I can't imagine it's a karma thing, but as far as energy balance goes, I'm planning on having an amazing weekend with a few nerdy Mensa friends of mine.

Is it Friday yet?

Conservatives Blind While Staring Rich in the Face

Last week while listening to a Limbaugh or Hannity stand-in, I heard a caller say this:

You can't tax the rich because they'll just cut jobs to keep making the money they make.

Rah rah! Accolades! Brilliant! ...was the response.

I agree completely. But how is it that conservatives can see that so clearly - that rich people get rich by not spending when they don't have to and are motivated by profit - but be so blind to the opposite sentiment that they actually all support?

If you CUT taxes on the rich, they will NOT create jobs because they're making more money. They will simply buy more stuff. And who started the idea that all the rich people in the US are even in the situation where they COULD create jobs?

Oh yeah, the rich.

That List - Dig Out of Depression

(NOTE: This is gonna get a little personal, so feel free to skip)

(NOTE2: This will grow. I just added to the DOs. I also just added to the intro notes by writing this. Check back.)

So having gone through a rough down-slope, I recently mentioned I was working on a list of sorts. That list starts with a schedule and has some serious DOs and DONTs. For your approval, though not nearly thorough enough.

The Schedule

If you don't have a schedule, you have nothing. Even if it's rough, write it down. Somewhere. Keep it between your condom that expired 12/95 and your Subway rewards card in your wallet. But do it.

I wake at 5am every morning to make Irish Dancer her lunch and a pot of coffee so Mrs. Shambles can leave before 6:30 with a mug. Here's my roughie:

• 5am: wake, make lunch & coffee
• 5am - 6am: clear emails, catch up on a show
• 6am - 7am: stretch, meditate, exercise
• 7am - 11:30am: work
• 11:30am - 1:30pm: work, eat, take at least 30 minutes to flake/rest
• 1:30pm - 5pm (maybe 7pm): work
• * Stretch at least every hour
• * Nibble healthily

DOs

• Eat! (sometimes I forget)
• Snack healthy
• Exercise at least 30 min a day
• Take breaks to breathe, center
• Drink coffee
• Smoke a cigarette (I know, I know. I rarely smoke, and only when I'm drinking, but if I have at least 1/2 a cig early in the day I tend to ward off apathy)
• Catharsis: Cry. Cry like your dog or cat just died. Watch your favorite cry movie (even if that's your wedding tape or Short Circuit 2) to emote it. No. "Cry" is not right. Weep. Every week or month or two just dig down there and fucking lose it - but only for a few minutes. Let it out. Lose your shit and bang on the pillows (sheet rock is expensive) and scream "WHY!?!?!" Then get it together and understand you're better for it and ACTUALLY be better for it.

DONTs

• Lay on the couch in front of the TV (If I feel like I need to drop out, do it in the bedroom where it's dark and I can talk myself out of my spiral)
• Drink early or much (obvious, right?)
• Keep a messy desk (self-defeating)
• Think blogging, anxiety, or angst are substitutes for work.

Success?

Today I ate, focused, exercised, and rocked out 5 solid hours of work and made almost $800. Success? Yes. Could I have done more? Yes. Should that example be a case in point for myself for creating and following this list? Yes.


I'm prone to depression from my grandfather down, "badges" on my wrists from college, a few of their little sisters on my arms and legs live as reminders as well. Sometimes I like to wrap myself in blankets on a cloudy day and wish the world would just fall apart around me (give me a gun and a zombie apocalypse and I'm good). At least I don't have the passive suicide daydreams of "turning the wheel and going off a cliff" of yore. For that I'm thankful.

I'm past the dangerous stuff. I made it through. I have no pity for whiny bitching - in myself or others. And I think the biggest thing I've learned, the most important thing I can pass along is:

STAY ABOVE IT

It's all in the state of mind and can be changed in a second: Everything we do, everything we deal with, every single part of our lives from joy to chaos to drama to too many people to meeting with expectations is noise. When you're down, when you feel beat, you're looking up at it all, it's covering you, encompassing you, suffocating you like an awful, killing comforter (oxymoron, eh?).

But even though none of that shit, none of that - noise of expectations or the sky's too gray or the sky's too grey or your sister's in prison or you need to make rent or the cat box hasn't been changed in a week or you forgot to put your good shirt in the wash last night or the goddamned dog needs to be boarded and you not only hate taking her but hate missing her - even though none of that shit in your life changes: YOU CAN.

Dig deep, think mentally of how those things are affecting you. They're all above you, stilting you, snuffing you out. NO! They're not! Change that. Change the game. You are above that, literally, mentally floating above it all to deal with it as you please. Yes, it still sucks, but being above it at least you can see the sun. And you might be able to see how you can drive that bus.

Get above it. Own it. Push its nose in the doodie. Drive that bus. Make me proud.

Republicans: Um, "I Like Money"

That quote is from the Mike Judge movie Idiocracy. The whole quote goes "I like money. I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out." It's a funny movie and if you haven't seen it, get it. Now.

As I've been contemplating for the last few weeks: The Bush Tax Cuts were justified as a means to institute a different version of the "trickle-down" effect. Of course, that's bullshit; the "trickle-down" effect was invented by rich bastards to get richer. When millionaires get more money, they keep it or spend it on themselves. That's why they're millionaires.

If the Bush Tax Cuts worked, we'd have jobs instead of depression, employment instead of people without health care living in their cars.

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) takes it home on CSPAN. Enjoy.

TSA's Nuthuggin': 15 Things NOT to Say at Security

Is it weird that I'm making a juvenile joke because the man's name is Balzac but visually he looks a little like Ron Jeremy? I believe there's a form of irony there somewhere...

There's a growing fervor over the TSA photographing and groping and leaking body scan photos. I'm lucky I don't have to fly soon - I'd probably mouth off and get held just long enough to miss my flight. So here's my top 15 things I'm not going to say but would like to if I were flying and got searched and didn't mind losing my flight:

1. I guess I never realized TSA stood for Testicle Stroking Authority. Maybe they should rethink that - you kinda suck at it.
2. I'll show you my penis for a dollar.
3. I'd love a cigarette but then I'd have to go outside, come back in, and go through that again. Okay, I'm going to have a cigarette. Save my seat.
4. Where's my rape whistle?
5. FYI, I dress to the left.
6. I was led to believe I would receive a Happy Ending?
7. You gonna think about my balls when you fuck your wife?
8. Do you charge extra for a pinky in my bunghole?
9. Thank God I'm drunk during this!
10. This ain't no pansy-party; get on up in there n make sure I ain't no turrurrist!
11. (While grinding) Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh noooooo!
12. How many balls would you say you touch in a day? Do you like 'em? You should call Guinness - there might be an opening for a daily ball-handling record.
13. If you want to put it in me, it's gonna be extra.
14. Do you tend to caress, squeeze, or bob the nuts?
15. You call that a reach-around?

And then, doing that while wearing this tshirt:


That would be an awesome day. Okay, it would probably suck, but hell would that be a story to blog about.

What inappropriate statements would you make? Comments is wide open :)


UPDATE: Blueberry left an obvious omission:

I heard something about some guys (as a protest, or just for fun) planning to opt out of the screening in favor of the manual check, and they will be commando and wearing kilts.

OMG I'm totally doing that.

Four Loko: Yes, The Government is Retarded

What the fucking fuck? You know sometimes that I espouse the base beliefs of Republicans, one being keeping the goddamned government out of our lives? This is a clear example of that.

Four Loko hit the news a couple weeks ago because with it's 12% ABV and loads of caffine, it made a couple college kids vomit. The Hill reports:

Drug czar Gil Kerlikowske said he welcomed a ruling by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that would effectively ban drinks like Four Loko and Joost, which have come under scrutiny for their alleged role in several cases of alcohol intoxication on college campuses.

Yes. Their role. Because binge drinking, college kids wanting to get wasted, and alcohol poisoning can be traced to one source: Four Loko.

I bought the drink once, partly because I like the booze but mostly because I'm a sucker for a novelty. I saw a caffeinated blue-raspberry drink with 12% alcohol for less than $2 and I was all "Fuck yeah - party time!" But no. It was awful. And I'm not talking "My fine wine and whiskey palette could not tolerate such an outrage" snobbery bullshit. This was eight-year-old blue-raspberry cotton candy dissolved in turpentine with a hard shot of gag reflex and enough HFCS to bring the liquid to a saturation point. I got through 3 little sips and was done forever with the foul beast.

But that doesn't mean the government should be allowed to ban it. College kids get drunk; that's the other half of their job. They will always gravitate towards the cheapest ways to alter their consciousness. That's why weed's less popular than alcohol and Hennessey is less sucked down than Natty Light.

Note to our government: Everyone sees that this is posturing, but it's laughable posturing. It's like someone walked into the office of the FDA and said "Listen! This is DANGEROUS!" and everyone was like "OMG Yeah!" and then they took it to the White House and said "Mr. President! This is not only what they world cares about but if you address this everyone will love you!"

And you know why you're being fed this?! It's the fucking November Book! This is the time of year (along with others) where TV Ratings will determine viewership which will determine a station or network's ability to price their commercials. Wonder why you generally turn on the news and hear "The Mount Adams Puppy you can't miss!" but about 4 times a year the headline teaser is "You probably have AIDS - Tune in at 11 to find out for sure!"? Ratings!

President Obama: You are a damn fool, a naive sucker to come out and say this is a health issue. What's next? A ban on red bull in bars (because that's about the same, just more expensive)? Perhaps a ban on sweetened alcoholic drinks? Then a ban on alcohol? Maybe a ban on college? Where does this silliness end? Should everyone call this an attack on the poor because you're eliminating one way for poor folk to get drunk? I mean, they still have Thunderbird. But you backed a federal ban on something based on a fabricated "epidemic" based on television stations trying to get viewers.

I am an ardent supporter but, for now, I laugh at you. I laugh because you're being a sucker, I laugh because you were suckered by the media sensationalism you have so often knocked down, but mostly I laugh because Four Loko, when faced with an alcohol/caffeine ban responded by saying "Okay, we'll get rid of the caffeine."

They're still serving sugary booze-ness to everyone and you've wasted thousands of taxpayer dollars just talking about it!

Don't we have more important things to worry about like wars and health care?




UPDATE: I got this Know! email from the Drug-Free Alliance:

"Blackout in a Can" is what some people are calling Four Loko: a dangerous, new alcohol energy drink that contains nearly as much alcohol as a six pack of beer and as much caffeine as a 12-ounce cup of coffee, all in one supersized serving (24-ounce can).

Alcohol energy drinks are no new concept and have long been a concern. However, alcohol-infused energy drinks like Four Loko, are especially dangerous because they contain an incredibly high amount of alcohol mixed with caffeine. Medical experts say that combining a depressant (alcohol) with a stimulant (caffeine) is hazardous to both the body and brain, and it makes for a, "wide awake drunk," as the caffeine masks the typical effects of alcohol.

Um, if your kids are getting their hands on this can, you've got much bigger problems than just talking to your kids. Alcohol + Caffeine exists and will be consumed legally in bars by anyone over 21. In excess in some cases. Just be a good, open, and accepting parent and you won't have to worry about insanity. Add the Drug-Free Alliance to the fear-mongering list of fools.

Hawt Denny's Brawl - Video

Just kidding. It's not really hawt. If anything, it's trash, but it's scantily-clad Halloween trash.


[via Gawker TV]

I bet they didn't tip either.

A Bad Case of the Gangster Midgets

(Seriously, internets? I hit Google Image Search for a little person [Yes, I know 'midget' is offensive - the title is in reference to childhood perception.] dressed as a Gangster. You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun? But 20 pages of results and the douche from Pit Boss is the closest I can get? [Yes, Pit Boss guy would be a douche at any height - not a slight at size, he's just a dick.] So why nothing in 20 pages of results? Because it was full of "gangsta"s, not gangsters, some little people, some big, all hood rats. [note: always turn GIS safe search back on after searching 'alyson hannigan' and before searching 'gangster midget.' If not? Holy little people ghetto cock party.] So, on to the actual post.)

When I was a kid, I had this strange nightmare that my father was standing on our dining room table trying to fix a stained-glass hanging lamp. I was trying to tell him to be careful but at some point he bumped his head on the lamp and started crying uncontrollably. My stomach dropped and then things got worse. I heard a rumbling and a clatter and turned around to see about a half dozen little people gangsters (You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun?) dropping from the chimney into the fireplace, emerging from the sooty entranceway, and advancing on us. I moved back towards the table but it wasn't safe there either because the protectorate that my Dad should've been was wailing and streaming with tears.

I'll never forget that dream or that feeling: hopelessness, despair, acute anxiety, overwhelming desire to disappear.

I bring that up because over the past few weeks I've had a bad case of the gangster midgets. Whenever my depression manifests itself, I get the same feeling I did in that dream, only instead of a quick sampling of it that fades when I wake, it is prolonged and draining and manifests wholly in my conscious hours. I seem to be pulling out of it somewhat, surfacing above the clouds, but it's hard - as lost as I get when I drive through those moods, there's something comforting about darkness and silence and solitude.

So I'm working on a list, a schedule of sorts, to keep me on track to maintain this upswing. I've identified most of the things I should do, things I should avoid. Now I've just got to get it on paper - and stick to it.

And for you? That might just mean me getting back to posting more regularly.

Ann Coulter's a Moron, But You Knew That

Ann Coulter is a moron. Read from one of her recent bullshit email spooges about repealing the 26th Amendment:

Adopted in 1971 at the tail end of the Worst Generation's anti-war protests, the argument for allowing children to vote was that 18-year-olds could drink and be conscripted into the military, so they ought to be allowed to vote.

But 18-year-olds aren't allowed to drink anymore. We no longer have a draft. In fact, while repealing the 26th Amendment, we ought to add a separate right to vote for members of the military, irrespective of age.

Is she seriously saying that our military should automatically get to vote because they're in the military? Yes, she is.

That's the equivalent of saying shoemakers should be allowed to vote at 16. NOTHING about being in the military makes one more qualified than another to vote, any more than IQ, BMI, or HDL.

Hannity's Childlike Rage: Bachmann Overdrive

Sean Hannity was all over the place today, overstating the significance of the Republican win, fostering his own leg tingle while frustratingly attacking Chris Matthews because of one small event of the evening:


"Crazy Eyes" Bachmann

Last night, Chris Matthews had a chance to interview Michele Bachmann live. He asked her about a well-known quote of hers:

What I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think the American people would love to see an expose like that.

[On Obama]Absolutely, I’m very concerned that he may have anti-American views.

Yes, that's crazy. And Chris asked her about it, if she was going to push it. And she said NOTHING about it but answered as if something else entirely was asked. And so he asked her again and she talked about what the Republicans were going to focus on. And he asked her again and when she once more not just sidestepped the question but completely ignored it, the chuckles of the panel were audible and Chris's next question was "Are you hypnotized? Has someone put you under a trance?"

So Sean today was pissed because his lady Bachmann was slightly ridiculed and he blurted out mocking Matthews about being hypnotized. He sounded like an angry child shouting "Yeah, you're stupid, Stupid!"

Cause, you know, when you make a serious policy statement and serious allegation like "Un-American," if someone brings that up again, it's a "gotcha" question.

I will enjoy watching Sean psychologically collapse in 2 years when the Repugs can't close the deal. Yums.

And, if you haven't seen it yet: Top 10 Crazy Michele Bachmann Quotes.

Dear Ohio: WTF?

The Republicans blamed 400,000 lost jobs on every incumbent Democrat in office - and won most places because of it. For governor? 2 years out of Bushrape of the economy (where Ohio was beaten like a red-headed stepchild), we knocked out Strickland for Kaisch, a Wall Street tool who bankrupted seniors through Lehman Bros. and helped push jobs out of the state and country. Nice, Ohio. For Senate, you gave pretty-boy Portman Voinovich's seat, which wasn't a total surprise. But could someone tell me how Jean Schmidt keeps her damn job? At least they kept Kucinich up in Cleveland. But...Ohio's Tan Man Fake-Cry Boner will probably be taking the Speaker role. Good times.

So as we went, much of the country went (Ah, but so good to see Crazypants Angle and Batshit O'Donnell lose races). Right Wing Talk Radio sounds like 3-hour blocks of the Happy Ending portion of their weekly massage.

But not to worry. They will soon fall apart. You've got McConnell focusing on nothing but ousting Obama in 2 years, a handful of Tea Party folks and some extreme Republicans looking at everything from a full repeal of health care to privatizing Social Security to dismantling the Department of Education. Some say "meet in the middle" while others say "We'll shut down the government!" They control the House but not the Senate. They are schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder wrapped into one.

So, in other words, somehow even less will happen than it does now and in 2 years the Republicans will be taken to task for not just failing to get America back on track, but making it worse than it is now. Because the only thing they have the ability to do is make rich people richer, disenfranchise voters, and send jobs overseas.

I Voted: Let the Right Fall

I know, I know. The ConservaTea Party in their Pants isn't going anywhere soon. A couple of the Right Wing nutters will probably make it into office. And that makes Baby Jesus cry because, well, it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to walk through the gates of Heaven. Or some other shit Jesus said that wasn't about hating fags so it's totally ignored.

The huge difference between me and the nutters on the right? The box of asshats we know as Hannity and Beck and Limbaugh - as well as the whole brainless trust over at FOX - are adamant that everything left or liberal is BAD and every conservative candidate is the glowing, halo-ed image of Jesus Christ himself riding a dinosaur and eating the CO2 to ward off any reality of Global Warming.

I, however, know that Government in general is a problem and actually equate it to the assholes we elect. No Democrat (except maybe Kucinich) is perfect. All have a hand in special interests. And when it's time to go, it's time to go. But none of them have such a fierce, fisting hand up Money's ass as the whole of the conservative movement.

And I just heard Rand Paul called for the now-officially-handicapped state to my south: Kentucky. A man silent about his history and batshit crazy on policy (Civil Rights Act = BAD) has won a state.

At some point I'll be moving to Europe. I'll let you know; we can rent a villa.


Ed Schultz: "This is a message to the White House." Yes: America is fucking insane.

45% of Indiana supports the Tea Party? WTF country did I - wait, is this Fringe night? Am I "over there?" Holy fuck.

What's the course correction? Course correction? You need to shut down the Right Wing Noise Machine. Not because they're controversial, not because they're well-funded, but because they're LYING about basic facts and what they're not lying about they're heavily insinuating just enough to get the limited imagination of many, many voters to go into freak-out panic mode. I guess they're chuckling now, but when the gun-toting militias come knocking on their door because they're not conservative or Christian enough? They really should pay attention to the small monster they're suckling right now. It will grow, and they will have no control. And then - and only then - will our founding fathers turn in their graves. Did I mention Europe?

Sorry...I'm live blogging. I'll just take my crazy notes and report back later.

MF'ing Tea Party Represent!

On some of my forum lists, I get some crazy right-wing folks that rebut everything bad about the Tea Party or the GOP in general with "it's a left-wing plot" or "well, [insert Democrat name here] did something similar." But we're going to the polls on Tuesday. All of us. And here's a list, albeit small (comments about crazy I missed welcome - I will update). This is why the Tea Party scares the shit out of me:

• Rand Paul supporters stop on the head of a female protestor - stomper identified as Rand's campaign coordinator. Rand himself has stated that he wouldn't have voted for the 1964 Civil Rights Act and wants to abolish the Americans with Disabilities Act.
• Juan Williams was fired from NPR for compromising his integrity as a journalist. His other sealed deal was at FOX News. NPR Received a bomb threat.
• Glenn Beck inspired wannabe domestic terrorist Byron Williams who went to California to kill members of the ACLU and Tides foundation.
• Glenn Beck attacked Kathy Tate-Bradish from the League of Women Voters for not being enthusiastic about reciting the pledge (because it was not included in the fomal debate format agreed to by candidates beforehand) at a debate with candidates from 8th District in Illinois. She has since recieved death threats now being investigated by the FBI.
• Sharron Angle believes in the complete banning of abortion. In cases of rape or incest, she believes if pregnancy occurs it is part of God's plan and lemonade should be made out of such lemons. She once spoke out against flouride as a communist plot and suggested support for making alcohol illegal as recently as February of this year. She believes it is unacceptable and wrong for both parents to actually hold jobs simultaneously. She continues to use stereotypical images of scary Mexicans (one proven to be a stolen stock photo of Mexicans in Mexico) to drive her campaign.
• Christine O'Donnell had some experience with witchcraft years ago. While I don't find a problem with that, I do find a problem with every ultra-Christian sweeping it under the rug when - were she a Democrat - it would be open season on "How Christian is She?" She was filmed in the mid-90's for MTV speaking out against masturbation. In her last debate, she repeatedly voiced a lack of understanding of the meaning (and existence and location) of what is commonly known as the separation of church and state. She was unclear on which Amendments to the constitution she might want to repeal saying "I’m sorry, I didn’t bring my Constitution with me." She also is apparently unable to name even one Democratic Senator.
• The Tea Party Nation thinks there is only one Muslim member of congress (K. Ellison) and that he's not just a Muslim but supports terrorists. Kareem Abdul Jabar was not contacted for comment.
• Ken Buck, running in Colorado, says "I disagree strongly with the concept of separation of church and state. It was not written into the Constitution." He has said he wants to get rid of the Department of Energy and gut the Department of Education. He agrees with Sharron Angle on rape and incest.
• Joe Miller, running in Alaska, talks about privatizing social security and medicare. Agrees with total abortion banning despite rapre or incest, wants to kill the Dept. of Education, and thinks unemployment benefits are not "constitutionally authorized." He illegally used government computers for political purposes, lied about it, lied about it again, then, cornered, admitted it and resigned. (Wait, are they changing the state motto to "Alaska is for Quitters"?)
• (FYI, imagine a world where Bush the Lesser succeeded in privatizing social security, as was a well-spoken goal, just before the downturn)
• Stephen Broden, running for Congress in Texas, said that if the GOP doesn't take the win, then the violence option "is on the table," saying "we have a right to get rid of that government and to get rid of it by any means necessary."
• As to violence, locally Rep. Driehaus was threatened when his home address by a right-wing blogger - after a reported death threat. Oops! Rep. Tom Perriello's (D-VA) brother's address was posted by a Tea Party blogger (potentially out of ignorance) and the gas line outside his house was cut. Nine members of the "Hutaree militia," reportedly associated with a radical right-wing patriot movement, were arrested for planning a government overthrow. Rep. Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz.) said in a statement he shut down his Yuma district office after staff members discovered a bullet had shattered a window there. Authorities said U.S. Judge Susan Bolton received hundreds of threats at her downtown Phoenix court offices after issuing the injunction.

So it appears violence is accepted, bloody revolt is hinted at, the strength of someone's Christian faith will only be measured if you're a Democrat, every Muslim is a Satanic Terrorist, science isn't science if it hinders oil corporations, and some other things that can only be described by a reasonable society as crazy are in full effect.

Scarier: some of these people are going to win.

Scarier even: These are examples. There is no broad brush. The Tea Party is all over the map on policy and intensity and the RNC is treating this schizophrenic pit bull like a lap dog. It's going to bite.

My only solace in Republican winnings on Tuesday is that America is fickle, more and more fickle and responsive as time goes on and attention spans drop off like a Republican's pants in an airport bathroom stall. 2 years ago America shouted "Republicans suck!" And now, because of that attention span and Republican obstructionism, they're saying "Change is good, but not fast enough!"

Let them take it on Tuesday. They America will see the plan-less suckshit in full effect. And with a condensing attention span and no reliable candidates, they'll be done in 2012.

A Weekend of (not so good) Movies

I've been rocking some funeral action the past couple days (Mrs. Shambles' grandma), so I haven't been around so much. But before all the craziness began I had a slow weekend of movies, movies, movies. Here's a list, lite reviews, no real spoilers.

Let's imagine a baseline x-axis line representing time and the y-axis at zero to mark indifference where anything above is pleasurable and below is poop. How about a crappy image to better explain it:



So averaging the basic feel of the movie over time, we can come up with a high of 5, low of -5. Let's get going!

Hereafter



Theatre time! Yay: popcorn, pop, stadium seating! And a mediocre movie. The acting was fine, the directing worked well, special effects in the beginning were solid, but the pace sucked the life out of me. We went with my parents and my mother at one point let out a honking blurt of a snore, probably seconds before I would've. Dragging is an understatement. I would've wanted to punch Matt Damon and Clint Eastwood in the dick after the movie, but my eyes were half closed and I just wanted to sleep. The only redeeming portion? You're looking at her above: Bryce Dallas Howard. For all of 20 minutes :(

I'll give it a 0.75 - not much negative, but a whole lot of zero.


MacGruber



One of my friends turned off this movie after 20 minutes, referring to it as a diaper bag. I decided it was my personal mission to make it through - with force if necessary - the entire movie. And honestly, the first 20 minutes were pretty good compared to the rest of it.

2 mildly tolerable items: The scene in the coffee shop in the preview where the woman is screaming and everyone thinks she's crazy? Funniest. Term "Upper Decker" - taking a dump in the tank of the toilet instead of the bowl. Humorous. The rest of the movie was deplorable from the writing to the humor to the acting to the concept that it is supposed to be a parody. I would've been angry but the movie sucked my will to live with its redemption-less badness.

-3, and probably only that high because I was drinking beer.


Jonah Hex



Comic book adaptation - if you like that Wild Wild West kinda thing, it's for you. Mostly action, short on story, alternate history science fiction fun! It's got Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, and not nearly enough Megan Fox. Gadgets, 'splosions, and a couple laughs. One of those "enjoy it for what it is" movies. Please don't look for answers to great mysteries; you will be disappointed.

2.25 as none of it was painful and I have a soft spot for comics, sci-fi, and special effects.


The Ruins

Spring break kids find an old ruin with bad plants. There's really nothing more to the story except watching them die.

1.0 for an interesting concept and the kid from the Black Donnelleys.


The Happening



Yeah, more on the plants. M. Night Shyamalan did this one. What a twist! End of the world...but for what? Yay Zooey, yay special effects, mild boo to the working of an atmosphere of fear.

1.25 for no solid negative and it didn't totally suck. Worth an hour+ of your life, but for god's sake don't buy it - borrow or steal.

Today's Brunette: Alexi Wasser

You may know Alexi from a bit part in Cabin Fever 2 or her Peppermint Patties commercial. She's so lovely that she'll be picking up a part in a 30-minute comedy called Boycrazy on Showtime. Wonderful!

"Real Christians" Make Jesus Spew Hate

I was reading a great piece over at Right Wing Watch talking about how a coalition of "Real Christians" are speaking out to say that bullying is very, very wrong - but homosexuality is worse!

A chunk of their Mandate of Crazy states:

Authentic Christians will remember several key concepts from Scripture:

1. Homosexual behavior is always a sin, God's plan for sexuality is male/female marriage, and God has not changed His mind about this (Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22; Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 1:24-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

2. Jesus described marriage as the union of one man and one woman, and that humans were created male and female "from the beginning." Gender change is a defiant and ungrateful sin against God's direction and design (Matthew 19:4-6)

Yes! Authentic Christians unite ...to LIE about the Bible. You'll note that both #1 and #2 have one thing in common: Matthew 19:4-6 They're claiming that Jesus specifically states that marriage is only to be between a man and a woman. Wait a second, I don't remember Jesus talking about homosexuality - evar! Well, let's just see what Jesus says.

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Holy shit, that kinda sounds like they said it does, that Jesus is all about one man, one woman. Hold on a second. That last word, "separate," seems a little strange. Maybe it'll make more sense if we read more than 3 verses out of context.

Matthew 19

Divorce

[1]When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. [2]Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
[3]Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

So in a spat of double irony, Jesus, a man known only for peace, love, and acceptance, is having his words twisted to justify violence, hate, and exclusion. They achieve this by using a quote about divorce - something Jesus obviously had an opinion on but always gets glossed over because Christians accept divorce occasionally - to condemn homosexuality - something Jesus never mentioned but gets a lot of flack from Christians because it's icky.

I guess only an Authentic Christian is allowed the luxury of twisting God's written word to further man-made societal constructs.

[Note on Leviticus: Christians - STOP using it to knock homosexuality. Yes, it says man + man = abomination. But in Leviticus 18:18 says the same thing about wearing clothing woven of two different fabrics. So if you're using that as your justification, wearing a cotton/rayon blend is the same as homosexual sex.]