Tuesday, June 30, 2009

This is Where it Gets Personal

If you like my funny, political, or often inappropriate posts, you should probably skip this one. Though it contains pieces of all those things, it's incredibly personal and only being shared because it's bleeding out my ears and almost no one I know in real life reads this blog and it's not time to talk to anyone here yet. I've got to say something to someone. And you win!

So here's a little story I've got to tell about three bad brothers ya know so well...

Sorry. Wrong track.

The last few weeks I've been listening to a lot of music and situational filters have made everything seem so commonplace. Love songs are rocking into categories like: Unrequited Love, Longing for Love Lost, Apologies for Love Lost, Promises to Love Forever, Love of Jesus (that one time on Seek between here and Cleveland), and Love Love Love I Can't Get Enough Love - I Would Fucking Teabag Love - Because Love Solves Everyfuckingthing in the World.

And I'm wondering where the "Love is Great But After 8 Years of Marriage We're Splitting Up and Going to Continue to Live Together For a Few Months in a Limbo to Clear Off the Debt and Make it All Truly Amicable" category is.

Sorry. Just threw up in my mouth a little. I'm fine.

The wonderful lady you've sometimes heard referred to as Mrs. Shambles and I will be splitting at some point in the near future. We met 10 years ago, married 8 years ago with what was technically my step-daughter who was 6 when we wed (bio-dad was never in the picture, so I've been Dad since she started calling me that around the engagement).

When we met, we were both on the fence about having kids. Through the following years, our thoughts on the topic veered to the breaking point, where we are now: I'm happy with one daughter and do not want to have any children; she's not done being a mom and wants more kids. If I change my mind, she wouldn't trust it (happened once before that I acquiesced then reneged when I realized I was just trying to make her happy), and I wouldn't trust myself. If she changed hers, we'd both know it wasn't true to how she feels. If we stay together, either way, resentment ensues. And neither one of us can live that way.

The weird thing is that there is no anger but almost relief that there doesn't have to be any anger. The other weird thing is that there's no immediacy about it; we have to spend a few more months paying off debt - then figuring out selling the house - so we can make it as clean as possible. Not that that makes it even easier; hell, if anything: harder.

A breakup you know was coming, then one day it does. Suddenly every song is about your relationship, you relate this to past relationships, wonder what's wrong with you, see something while driving or hear something random and you're weeping uncontrollably. And then you go home to the spouse you'll be leaving.

I guess there's no real rules for this, no appropriate/inappropriate actions about it. It is what it is. And that we can be mature about it will be better for Irish Dancer. Thank God she's away at camp this week so we can hash it out a little more, confirm this is the definite decision before we'd sit her down.

But either way it sucks. There is no happy about it. There is no good about it. Maybe appropriate, but that's all you get. We'll do our best, but it's going to affect a 14-year old girl starting to solidify her opinions about life and relationships. And that, too, is sad.

As for me, I'm "fine." I can make it through most of the day focusing on work, break down once or twice when it hits me from a certain direction (like now, writing about it - note to self: retard!), and I haven't become a raging alcoholic over it. If anything, I'm exercising a little more. No, sorry, that's a lie. I haven't worked out in over 2 weeks.

For as much as I knew this time was coming - and even mentally hastened it after arguments about babies - I guess I'm holding it together a little better than I thought I would. And now I see pregnant women and babies and strollers every damn place I look. But I guess that's normal too.

Just so you know, I won't be updating this saga every day or month or anything. I'll probably make some sort of mention when it's all over, but venting and whining isn't really me when it comes to personal stuff on this blog; there are too many morons in politics and to many idiots in this world I need to post about. So I'm always happy about comments, but if you really want to interact about the subject, my email's available in by blog profile. I just wanted to let you know why you may not be seeing as much of me.

Wish me luck I guess. I want this to live up to our expectations of being completely adult and professional and etc., but when we're dealing with 10 years of memories and a 14 year old girl and the families (who - god knows when we'll tell them) and me who cried at the end of Short Circuit 2, that's a long, thin pole to balance over a sea of potential tumult.

I'll do the best I can.

Thanks for listening. I mean reading. You know.

Now quit'cha cryin' and watch that video below or look up "2 girls, 1 cup" or something.


Badger said...

I have been through it all and it took me a long time to find Ms right. You seem to know exactly what you are doing and where you are heading so I am sure you will be just fine. I will pray for you. This week I am praying to Julia Gillard - so far she has given me everything I want.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

A tough situation where you both must be true to yourselves. Hugs to all concerned. Turn off the radio and iPod for awhile.

Silliyak said...

So sorry dude

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I admire they way you are taking all this. I am sure you have your moments of raging anger but you are taking all this as a man. Hopefully you can still have a positive relationship with your daughter. I am glad to hear you both can adults about this. Crisis doesn't make character it reveals it. As one who no one ever loved enough to be with, I don't know what you are going through but I know lonliness and I hope you land in a good place after all the worst of this is done with.

Blueberry said...

Sounds a lot like my first marriage/divorce, except that he was the one who decided he wanted kids after 8 years of saying he didn't - so he found himself a woman who already had one and was open to having more - and I found someone who was a MUCH better match for me who also didn't want kids, someone I will always love even though it's been rocky at times. It's never easy, is it?

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other every day, the storm passes and most things mend on their own. Some others need rebuilding, and some don't.

OT: my verification is "wivers"

Randal Graves said...

Well fuck. Good luck, dude and may everything go smoothly, as smooth as such scenarios can go.

Ricky Shambles said...

Thank you all. I didn't realize how much just dumping would help.
Badger- nice choice, an quite a looker!
Debra- quiet time is in order this weekend
Silliyak- thanks.
Cal- I hope so, and hope for some non-lonely for you
Blue- Never. Just gotta keep moving. nice verification.
Randal- Smooth and I'd consider myself lucky.

Thanks again all; I'll keep responding to any further thoughts.

Megan said...

Well. I couldn't leave without leaving a comment, but I just don't know what to say.

I guess all I can say is that I hope it works out for the best for everyone concerned.

Ricky Shambles said...

Thanks Megan; I appreciate it.

loveable_homebody said...

Wow. That was indeed an honest post, but in case you wondering: this side of you didn't at all surprise me. Everyone has many dimensions. We all have our troubles; the difference with you is that you had the courage to share yours. I appreciate your openness. I think it's the mark of a great blogger. Your intelligence is another indicator!

I still think it's a bit taboo for guys to admit to crying or being sad, so I think that makes your post all the more brave. I hope that doesn't make you feel insulted. Anyway, I hope you grieved and found love again.

Ricky Shambles said...

Thanks l_h - I strip myself down for business purposes on facebook and such, in front of family and such, but (while not writing under my real name) bleed openly on the table that is Cause For Concern.

I'll be around.