Jesus Jokes

So Jesus walks into an inn, slaps down three spikes on the counter and says "Hey, could you put me up for the night?"



What? Not enough? Okay...



Just as an angry, stone-wielding crowd is about to close in on a defenseless woman, Jesus steps in and says "Those without sin may cast the first stone."

For several seconds, a dead silence hangs in the air, until a stone comes flying from the crowd, hits the woman right between the eyes, and kills her instantly.

Jesus surveys the crowd and says "Damn it, Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Ancient Roman D20 - $18,000

Being sold at Christie's



+100 Nerd Coolness; +10 Rich Coolness; -18,000 Gil; Shields bearer from Old Skool attacks.

(via BoingBoing).

Gay for America Again

I know I did this once, but since I'm going all official and scouring my MySpace so no potential clients can find objectionable content related to my name (I know, I'm selling out), I mourn this death from my page:


The Whitest Kids U'Know: Totally Gay for America

OMG - Peepul Stickin Needles In Emselves

Sometimes the most educated of us sound like the least (and I only say that because "retarded" is not PC).

AFP Reports that piercings can cause complications, especially if you try to do it by yourself or another non-professional:

The researchers surveyed 10,000 people aged over 16. A total of 1,049 people had a piercing, with 1,943 piercings in total across the group.

More than a quarter of those questioned (28 percent) suffered complications like swelling, infection and bleeding, while a minority also admitted to piercings of the tongue, lips and genitals without proper assistance. The research was published in the online version of the British Medical Journal.

This type of story and even the basic idea is not new: Something is potentially dangerous but cool. Idiots flock to dangerous. Sometimes idiots do not have money and/or intelligence to do the proper research and take "potentially" to "problematically." A researcher takes notice, takes a poll, and - gasp! - idiots are in danger.

Unfortunately, the idiots are given the spotlight and nuance is passed as medically viable. Some swelling and some bleeding is not abnormal when you stick a needle through your skin. Proper care and instruction is mandatory but not accounted for.

Honestly, this article makes me think some prude doctor saw a movie and said "OMG - Peepul Stickin Needles In Emselves" after seeing a kid with a lebret in the film.

Anyone can take something that is potentially dangerous and either turn it into 99% safe or 99% deadly.

I jump out of planes.

Idiots should not.

Kenya Bows to Basic Christian Ideals: Hunt Them Witches!

CNN Says:

It may be difficult for modern-day Western cultures to fathom, but in Western Kenya, beliefs in ghosts and witches are very real. And sometimes they have deadly consequences.

In late May, news outlets in Kenya told the story of 15 people, mostly elderly women, who were murdered in a witch hunt near the town of Kisii. The killings shocked the nation.

Villagers said more than 100 people gathered machetes and knives and stormed the village of Kegogi after midnight.

"They started banging on the doors, they broke into the house and then they killed our grandmother inside," says Justus Bosire. "The mob was screaming and we panicked. We ran away and they came to our house and burned it to the ground."

Initial reaction: Holy shit! What the fuck is going on here? And then a moment of reflection upon a later quote:

"I believe there is witchcraft and the witches kill," Magoma says while building a chapel. His fellow workers concur: Witches exist and can put spells on people.

Ooooohhhhh. It's native Kenyan pagan beliefs that have been flipped on their fucking head by Christian missionaries, and in this post-colonial, post-modern world - where, in this case, the world isn't even modern yet - no one knows heads or tails because everything is going to shit and they gave us a Bible and that's at least tangible and the Bible says:

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

- Exodus 22:18 (King James Version)

...so since bad shit is happening and even though according to our new-found beliefs only God has those powers, we need to blame it on someone: kill the witches!

"modern-day Western cultures" is a relative term. The folks in Salem considered themselves such.

Thank you, Jesus.

Happy Paraskavedekatriaphobia!

Paraskavedekatriaphobia is a fancy-ish word for fear of Friday the 13th. And today it's Friday the 13th! Be afeared!

You can read about the superstitious element at Wikipedia.

For me, Friday the 13th reminds me that tomorrow is Saturday the 14th, and when I was 11 years old, my friend David and I thought it would be a good idea to see the movie Saturday the 14th Strikes Back.


Analyze this poster for 2 minutes. I dare you. WTF?

We never saw the original, and after seeing the sequel were not inspired to do so. At 11, I was suddenly schooled in how a movie could suck ass. And this was before I was regularly using words like "trite," "tired," and the derogatory version of "quaint." After so long, having gained so much knowledge of art and entertainment, the tag line "WARNING: This movie starts where others chicken out!" makes my eyes water with sorrow and embarrassment for the very existence of the movie. This is artistic feces, churning and bubbling into the methane of poisonous memory.

Anyone have a match?

Tim Russert Dies at 58

Tim Russert, NBC News’ Washington bureau chief and the moderator of “Meet the Press,” died Friday after being stricken at the bureau, NBC News said Friday. He was 58.

He will be missed.

Coulter Says...

From Ann:

In a conversation recently, I mentioned as an aside what a great president George Bush has been and my friend was surprised. I was surprised that he was surprised.

I generally don't write columns about the manifestly obvious, but, yes, the man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents.

A-hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ahhh...hahhaahahaha!

Ann Coulter, your supposed satire is priceless!

Dumbledore!

I saw this months ago and didn't realize I should share it with you. Harry Potter Puppet Pals:

Kucinich Presents Impeachment, Suffers E-Attack

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich last night introduced 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush in a dramatic presentation of the floor of the House of Representatives that last nearly five hours.

And you can read all about it and get links to the video at Dennis Kucinich's main site. Most exciting 5 hours of C-SPAN ...evar!

Can I get a "hell yeah!"?

Pelosi's already said impeachment is off the table. Glad someone has the sack to bring it to some level of public awareness.

Unfortunately, the government knows well the battle to fight reality. From an email from the Kucinich campaign:

Under circumstances that can best be described as "suspicious," the www.kucinich.us website was crippled early this morning a few hours after Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced 35 extensively documented Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush.

Surprise! I know. I say it louder!

Rush is Right!

Today, I agreed with Rush Limbaugh.

He was reporting on a story about how, in Seattle, the Parks and Recreation division of the local government is looking at banning bonfires because they contribute to global warming.

This is bullshit, and it needs to be stopped. And that's where I agreed with Rush.

My own speak of such idiocy lies in liberal helplessness: we can't control the ignorance of government, we can't control industrial smog, we can't control pollution at a global level, so we must gain control in some other way, even if it's meaningless. And this is meaningless.

My message: We need to stop these bigger things! Learn how to get people motivated instead of shutting down the basis by which they can meet and get motivated. Bonfires are - literally and figuratively - brilliant ways in which we can emblazon people to get fired up about incendiary events and legislation. Hey, while you're relaxed and fired up, how about this idea?

Seattle is retarded, snuffing the smolder and hoping for a flame.

But then Rush strayed, talking about how this was a violation of our basic rights, talking about how that violation was ruining America and how liberals were forcefully trying to crap on the Constitution and whittle away our rights one by one.

His post at EIB Networks is apparently a cave that allows these stories into his computer but blocks out the bigger issues. Yes, this potential legislation is stupid and shits on normal people - some who champion the cause of Global Warming. But our current, American Government shits all over our civil rights every day.

Ask anyone who has tried to protest the President in their "free speech zone" 2 miles away.

Is that Free Speech, Rush? How about wire taps? How about unreasonable search and seizure? How about reaction defense, smelling everyone's shoes because of one dilweed with a bad match? How about giving me matches because they took my lighter?

No one on the liberal side is trying to take away our inalienable rights. Just the neo-cons. With fear, with war, with fear of more war. And as much as Rush pushes the liberal crap in one direction, I'm a Liberal, and I say Seattle is pulling Shenanigans. And I'm a Liberal and I'm saying Rush is scared.

And I can't wait to hear his show when we win.