The Farting Preacher

Ladies and gentlemen, the farting preacher.



(via BoingBoing)

Russia Seizes Arse

Because I rarely have less than 5 tabs open on Firefox, sometimes things get truncated.



Putin: what an ass-grabber.

(Russia now has a couple thousand US weapons that they have taken from Georgia - I didn't realize we were dealing arms to Georgia.)

UPDATE: Just after I posted this, I heard two right-wing idiots spout how we must arm Georgia. I guess they don't read the news; we already did.

McCain's Citizenship?

I was angered to see Media Matters state that:

On The War Room With Quinn & Rose, guest host Mike Pintek echoed right-wing websites in questioning the authenticity of Sen. Barack Obama's birth certificate, claiming: "I still keep wondering about his birthplace and his birth certificate. I'm still not convinced that he actually was born a natural-born citizen."

Does anyone note that John McCain was born "in the Panama Canal Zone in 1936?"

Waggle the US Constitution a little and you'll find that there has never been a definitive case concerning a foreign-born man running for office of POTUS.

Could McCain be the first?

(That's a question for the idiot douchebags pulling "Obama is foreign" bullshit.)

Because You Haven't Heard Enough About Edwards...

Limbaugh, characterizing Elizabeth Edwards as a Chatty Cathy smarty-pants, stated "Edwards might be attracted to a woman whose mouth did something other than talk."

And if that's not enough for you, Andrew Wilkow has repeatedly said, in "defense" of Edwards, that for some reason Edwards didn't find Elizabeth's cancer sexy.

Fake edit: and in a quick trip to the hairdresser for Little Miss Shambles, Limbaugh picked up the 12K calories of Michael Phelps, a constantly training Olympic athlete, and feigned outrage that he was "taking more than his share," making an equation to what all the "liberals" say about America taking more than their share.

Clarification for Rush's IQ Handicap: Many Americans, because of apathy, have a "live fat and happy" mentality when it comes to pollution, garbage, carbon footprint, and the size of their vehicles that is quickly coming to a head because of gas prices. Michael Phelps is an athlete who physically needs those calories to do what he is doing, and make America proud while doing it.

Point of fake edit: after that, Limbaugh stated that "a couple of rice cakes" is all the "little" Chinese competitors need to be athletes.

All in a day's work for the soul-less far right.

Name & Date: Jessup 1979

Koolest, bad-assest space fighter jet evar.

Yet I'm unsure whether his jacket is a fighter pilot replica of some sort or just what was hawt in 1979. Or both. I was doin' so many drugs at the time... oh, I mean I was only 2 at the time.

Contraception = Abortion

If we don't start shouting very loudly, contraception could - on a national level - be redefined as abortion.

From MoveOn.org:

Can you imagine living in a place where birth control is considered an "abortion" and health insurers won't cover it? Where even rape victims are denied emergency contraception?

It seems unbelievable, but the Bush Administration is quietly trying to redefine "abortion" to include birth control. The Houston Chronicle says this could wipe out dozens of state laws that protect women's reproductive freedom and protect rape victims.1 Access to basic health care for millions of women would be jeopardized. And it's being pushed as a "rule change"—meaning, it doesn't need congressional approval.

Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt denies it.

In a world where some insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control pills, and one of the men running for leader of our country shies away from that discrepancy like blushing nun poking a dildo, I would not be surprised for a second.

What does it hurt to add your name to the NO list?

Chinese Girl a Fake

Everybody's flipping out about this Chinese girl fake singing at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. I thought it was pretty obvious.

Show Me Your Beaver: A Personal Story

When I was growing up, my folks took me and my three siblings to Niagara Falls, on the Canadian side, once or twice a year. It was only 4 hours or so away and a weekend vacation that we enjoyed every time.

Being young, we loved wandering through the different gift shops, touching and trying out all the souveniers, knick-knacks, and other jank tchotchkes. I remember one time, probably when I was about ten, we were walking up and down Clifton Hill trying to find a museum or something and we stepped into one of those souvenir shops.

As my parents were asking directions, my eyes scanned the walls, covered in colorful T-shirts and lit upon one in particular.

A caricature of a woman in a skirt, big grin on her face as the skirt was raised and a smiling, buck-toothed beaver emerged from between her legs. The caption read "If you're Canadian, then show me your beaver."

It was at that exact moment, in a small, chintzy souvenir shop on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, that I suddenly understood the slang term "beaver." Jerry Mathers never looked the same again.

Call for an Open Debate

Whoever your candidate, if you don't want to wear a drool bib to watch the debates before November, let's fight to make them open, stir the pot a bit. The other option is to rehash the previous 3 weeks of blah blah blah into one Blah two hour block.

Burger King Employee Bathing - At BK

And then this happened...about an hour away from my house. No more stops in Xenia on the way to Cleveland.




UPDATE: News Video was freezing, so I replaced with YouTube, even though they blurred out the face.

Focus on the Family: Pray to Rain Out Obama

This was on Focus on the Family's site. They pulled it. I found it.

No More Nipple Twists for Cincinnati Priests!

Are you fucking kidding me?

CINCINNATI (AP) — The Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children.

The newest version of the archdiocese's Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides.

But it says priests may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.

Victim advocates who have criticized the Roman Catholic archdiocese for its handling of abuse cases say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.

The Cincinnati archdiocese says it updates the rules every five years. The latest version, issued last week, also mandates background checks for contractors working with children.

Because that wrestling move, the tickle-kiss, is gaining somewhat of a stigma even though innocent priests keep getting tagged because of it. Perhaps the lap-sit-to-piggyback combo (is that like ass-to-mouth?) is causing concern.

NO - What the fuck!

Allow me to preclude the following comments with: 99% of Catholic priests are pious, honorable men.

But the bad apples? They enter the priesthood with or without the understanding that they like little boys, that they are pedophiles. They need to be weeded out.

And I don't know how you do that. Maybe. Hey, witch hunts worked during the Inquisition. Go big or go home!

Hannity Speaks on McCain's Despicable First Marriage

Today on Sean Hannity's radio show (don't look at me like that - I'm off the wagon - You doan knoow me!), he was confronted by an "angry liberal" who wanted to point out a couple things and actually let her speak about John McCain cheating on his first, crippled wife, and dropping her for Cindy.

Hannity actually laughed. He said he was letting her speak because "grasping at straws" about something that happened "30 years ago" was what angry liberals do. "I don't know all the details of his personal life," he said and then gave him a pass for being a POW.

If it came out about Obama that he had dumped his first, crippled wife for a tart 17 years his junior after cheating on #1, and reportedly has referred to his #2 affectionately as Cunt, sure as shit Sean Hannity would have every single report read and vetted and be talking about it every day and have fifteen interns on digging up more. No pass needed.

"I don't know all the details of his personal life."

What a bunch of hypocritical, sanctimonious fuckery.

World's Oldest Porn Star: Dave Cummings

I was reading a lovely piece at Mother Jones today and this cropped up:

68-year-old Dave Cummings, the "world's oldest porn star," says he only uses Viagra "when I'm working for a producer who's very demanding."

Hehehe...Cummings.

And what does the World's Oldest Porn Star look like (Oh, God I totally forgot to turn Safe Search back on...)?



...kinda like my grandpa. Ew. But, hey, you go, man!

Fun With Scams - Project Top Urgent

While our last project saw us made at the first email, I have learned from the experience, and right now feel like Annie Potts in Ghostbusters hitting that red buzzer and screaming "We got one!"

That's right, you sadist readers, you read it correctly: Top Urgent.

Today's solicitation comes from another HSBC person:

DR.CHRISTIAN AKWA,
HEAD OF TREASURY DEPARTMENT
HSBC BANK ACCRA GHANA

A short, unremarkable note came with this poorly 'Shopped "document" (click to see bigger)



And, for your pleasure:



So with the quick ending of our previous experiment, I took it easy and didn't lay it on too thick for round 1. Gotsta gettem used to me:

Hey Dr. Akwa,

Are you kidding? Is this a miracel? Oh, my wife, Debbie and I are having a rough time of it and our car just broke down and - are you kidding? Aw, I can't believe this!

So you're in a different country? IS Ghana in England? How does this work? I'm just wonderin to get more details to make sure you're not joshin me or tryin to pull one over on me.

I don't think we have any money over in England, but if you say so, and show me more that this is real, I think we can work this out. Just don't want to get burned. Ya know?

Talks to you soon Chris

Hoping heavily for updates to this one. Stay tuned.

Walmart Upscales Its Game?

I noticed this during the Olympics this weekend:



Walmart has apparently gone upscale. I skimmed the site: not one trace of that bouncing ball of incandescent gas, that miniature nuclear furnace, hacksaw in hand, ready to cut prices. A move from ass-clown to abstract, bargain bin to buy classy.

It's reinforced by this microsite, where you can watch an ad where a woman testifies to how Walmart helped her afford a laptop for her 11 year old kid (guessing - that's how old her kid looks).

First problem: 11 year old kids do not have or need fucking laptops. They break them.

Second problem: In places where 11 year old kids have or need fucking laptops, those kids live in $500,000 homes with parents who can afford those things with which to spoil their kids and if they drop it off the balcony into the grand foyer, Daddy will fart another $1000 and toss his kid the AmEx.

Third problem: Anyone living in that neighborhood would be anathema, driven out with torches and pitchforks, should their H3 ever be spotted in the parking lot of Walmart.


Bottom line: Walmart can put lipstick on the pig, but have you been inside a store lately? Stop in on some Friday night after a few drinks or bong rips, but be forewarned: hilarity and despair walk a very fine line in the house that Sam Walton built.

Don't get me wrong, it's great people watching, but damn. The employees look like they should be on suicide watch at death row, the shoppers exude sadness along with some rather indescribable odors - except for the manic ones, jumping up and down in the aisle because that bean bag chair's only eight bucks. Eight bucks! But, no, stop! You don't need a bean bag chair. You're shopping here because you can't buy milk for cigarettes. For the love of all things holy, put that bean bag chair down!

And then there's the millions of exploited Chinese children that are making all these lovely products, companies and jobs strongarmed into moving to China.

And then you have to go because, bummer, and the bar's still open and you can smoke a bowl on the way.

Obama Comes Back at McCain

Last we left McCain the Elder, he was saying Barack Obama was Moses.

Obama has struck back with some McCain/Bush lovefest action along with some video cut to look like McCain is pointing and laughing at YOU because you're a sucker if he wins.



I'm starting to get that "I can't wait until this is over" feeling.

Now, if he came back at McCain with a 5 iron (insert joke about balls here), that would be something.

Isaac Hayes - Chef - 1942-2008

The man, the Shaft man, the Chef man, is gone. He was 65. Our penises and women weep. Should the former continue, we will see a doctor.

Amen.

Logan the Glurge Wrestler

Perhaps I'm just a cynic, but...



...what a bunch of fucking glurge. I call shenanigans on this bullshit.

Take heed; it's coming to your inbox soon.