Okay, folks. I'm gonna get a little sanctimonious on y'all's asses, get a little political on something that means very little here in the US of A - in Murica - except to a little subpopulation I like to refer to as "The Irish."
I saw this piece of shit online and got way more upset about it than I should have:
Really?
We're taking the "Keep Calm and Carry On" BRITISH maxim logo and giving it and IRISH twist? The British, who still occupy Northern Ireland? While Scotland and Wales are entertaining independence, the Queen's English still have their wee dicks stuck in the northern six counties of the Republic of Ireland? Combining the Crown of the UK with the drunken shamrock farce of Eire? As a man who won't drink a lick of Bushmill's*, this is a motherfucking bloody outrage! Margaret Thatcher is a cunt!
[Disclaimer: this is a farce. I find it ironic and unfortunate but am not really worked up, in case you didn't catch the clues.
Also: *Bushmill's is considered an Irish Whiskey, but because it is produced in Northern Ireland, I have met a few die-hard Irish that would rather drink a gallon of piss than a bottle made in, promoted by, and sending taxes to England.
Also: Margaret Thatcher was a cunt. And I have a photoshop image I shamefully created on request involving MT and rope and nipples that I will post a link to in the comments if requested.]
I was in the bar the other day and was sitting near a self-professed filmmaker and producer (I know, in Cincinnati?) who was talking to a woman exuding vapidity. Both their accents were so stereotypically LA and conversation so tragically void of reason I had to take some notes.
Note: I've spent time in LA, have a brother who lives there. And many - MANY - of the people who live there are solid, reasonable, interesting folks. These were not two of those folks.
Also note: these quotes are all from the guy because the gal didn't say much in the presence of Director Diarrhea-Mouth and are not exact, but all real.
Dude looked like Joaquin Phoenix all hairy, though he was better-groomed, wore a vest, and a scarf, and an overly-trying trendy jacket.
Producers? They make people comfortable.
You have a yoga physique.
I love it! (repeat 50 times)
Yeah, I climbed Mt. Whitney with that guy. [Mt. Whitney is the tallest mountain in the 48 contig at 14.5k feet.]
OMG the Spider-Cam [Can-Am Spider] is a beautiful machine.
So I go back in the sauna then the shower and back - when ya go from hot to cold like that your body makes amazing noises. AMAZING!
Evolutionarily speaking, yoga is the BEST thing for you.
You know, the Scandinavians invented sauna.
(Suicide Story) He's like barfing on my hand and I told him to call 911. ...in a weird psych unit - all dark - and they wouldn't let me in, but someone came through the door and I snuck in and I saw [Jim] on a gurney in the hall - alive. And I say "We can fix this." And I'm with a chick, so...
What the fucking fuck? You know sometimes that I espouse the base beliefs of Republicans, one being keeping the goddamned government out of our lives? This is a clear example of that.
Four Loko hit the news a couple weeks ago because with it's 12% ABV and loads of caffine, it made a couple college kids vomit. The Hill reports:
Drug czar Gil Kerlikowske said he welcomed a ruling by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that would effectively ban drinks like Four Loko and Joost, which have come under scrutiny for their alleged role in several cases of alcohol intoxication on college campuses.
Yes. Their role. Because binge drinking, college kids wanting to get wasted, and alcohol poisoning can be traced to one source: Four Loko.
I bought the drink once, partly because I like the booze but mostly because I'm a sucker for a novelty. I saw a caffeinated blue-raspberry drink with 12% alcohol for less than $2 and I was all "Fuck yeah - party time!" But no. It was awful. And I'm not talking "My fine wine and whiskey palette could not tolerate such an outrage" snobbery bullshit. This was eight-year-old blue-raspberry cotton candy dissolved in turpentine with a hard shot of gag reflex and enough HFCS to bring the liquid to a saturation point. I got through 3 little sips and was done forever with the foul beast.
But that doesn't mean the government should be allowed to ban it. College kids get drunk; that's the other half of their job. They will always gravitate towards the cheapest ways to alter their consciousness. That's why weed's less popular than alcohol and Hennessey is less sucked down than Natty Light.
Note to our government: Everyone sees that this is posturing, but it's laughable posturing. It's like someone walked into the office of the FDA and said "Listen! This is DANGEROUS!" and everyone was like "OMG Yeah!" and then they took it to the White House and said "Mr. President! This is not only what they world cares about but if you address this everyone will love you!"
And you know why you're being fed this?! It's the fucking November Book! This is the time of year (along with others) where TV Ratings will determine viewership which will determine a station or network's ability to price their commercials. Wonder why you generally turn on the news and hear "The Mount Adams Puppy you can't miss!" but about 4 times a year the headline teaser is "You probably have AIDS - Tune in at 11 to find out for sure!"? Ratings!
President Obama: You are a damn fool, a naive sucker to come out and say this is a health issue. What's next? A ban on red bull in bars (because that's about the same, just more expensive)? Perhaps a ban on sweetened alcoholic drinks? Then a ban on alcohol? Maybe a ban on college? Where does this silliness end? Should everyone call this an attack on the poor because you're eliminating one way for poor folk to get drunk? I mean, they still have Thunderbird. But you backed a federal ban on something based on a fabricated "epidemic" based on television stations trying to get viewers.
I am an ardent supporter but, for now, I laugh at you. I laugh because you're being a sucker, I laugh because you were suckered by the media sensationalism you have so often knocked down, but mostly I laugh because Four Loko, when faced with an alcohol/caffeine ban responded by saying "Okay, we'll get rid of the caffeine."
They're still serving sugary booze-ness to everyone and you've wasted thousands of taxpayer dollars just talking about it!
Don't we have more important things to worry about like wars and health care?
UPDATE: I got this Know! email from the Drug-Free Alliance:
"Blackout in a Can" is what some people are calling Four Loko: a dangerous, new alcohol energy drink that contains nearly as much alcohol as a six pack of beer and as much caffeine as a 12-ounce cup of coffee, all in one supersized serving (24-ounce can).
Alcohol energy drinks are no new concept and have long been a concern. However, alcohol-infused energy drinks like Four Loko, are especially dangerous because they contain an incredibly high amount of alcohol mixed with caffeine. Medical experts say that combining a depressant (alcohol) with a stimulant (caffeine) is hazardous to both the body and brain, and it makes for a, "wide awake drunk," as the caffeine masks the typical effects of alcohol.
Um, if your kids are getting their hands on this can, you've got much bigger problems than just talking to your kids. Alcohol + Caffeine exists and will be consumed legally in bars by anyone over 21. In excess in some cases. Just be a good, open, and accepting parent and you won't have to worry about insanity. Add the Drug-Free Alliance to the fear-mongering list of fools.
It's 4:19am. Mrs. Shambles has just left for the airport. Irish Dancer is visiting relatives.
I've got until Monday evening at 11pm - about 90 hours of alone time. And darn it, it's supposed to rain some every day until then, so I can't cut the grass or wash the deck.
I was going to spend my non-productive hours with my friends: Internets, Beer, Xbox360, and Wings (yes, Reading and Writing can come too but only if you bring Whiskey), but was wondering if you, fair readers, had any more constructive (or destructive) suggestions.
Who are they? That's Leigh Maida and Brendan Hartranft, owners of three bars, including Resurrection Ale House, in Grays Ferry, and Local 44, in West Philly. Based on a "customer complaint," their 3 bars were targeted and raided in unison for selling beer with names that were not registered with PA.
Although the bar owners had bought the beer legally from licensed Pennsylvania distributors and had paid all the necessary taxes, the police claimed that nobody had registered the precise names of the beers with the state Liquor Control Board - a process that requires the brewers or their importers to pay a $75 registration fee for each product they want to sell in Pennsylvania.
Based on a complaint from someone the State Police refuse to identify, three teams of officers converged last Thursday on the three bars, run by Leigh Maida and her husband, Brendan Hartranft. Checking their inventories against the state's official list of more than 2,800 brands, the cops seized four kegs and 317 bottles, totaling 60.9 gallons of beer, according to police calculations.
Aside from the obvious clusterfuck that is the organization of the law, here's the bullshit part: A half-assed list corroborated over the phone with liquor control jumbled with morons executing the order were confiscating everything not on their list exactly, like if Michelob was on the list, they'd take Mich Ultra because Ultra wasn't on the list.
And the list was far from accurate. The troopers ended up taking beer served in bars across the state and ignoring Heineken, whose brewer is apparently missing from the list.
Best quote, from Maida: "My main beef with this whole convoluted situation is that the PLCB is the sole regulator of a set of products that they do not even know the names of."
I think the bigger questions are: why did they target this couple's bars? At a time when people are arguing for smaller government and championing small businesses, how does a perfect storm of ineptness swarm in and take over? And why do we still allow morons who know nothing about beer poorly manage lists that they send to Schlitz-swilling officers who wouldn't know a bock from a stout to execute orders they can barely read?
Isn't there some more important crime going on somewhere in Philly? Shouldn't investigation precede a raid? I'm calling shenanigans on this bullshit; either these good folks were singled out on a personal or business level or PA's enforcement is retarded. Or both.
Seriously though, in a cursive writing exercise in a book in India, apparently the above image appeared next to "I for idol." And probably the same goons who decried the Islamic response to a cartoon of bomb-headed Muhammed are not only outraged and demanding apologies, but some groups are looking to file suit. So who are you going to sue? The publisher did not force the books on the kids - they were purchased by the school. Are you suing the school? Overreaction in the truest sense.
Worst bit of bad reporting? It took me 10 tries to find a piece of reporting that was about outrage over a picture that actually included the picture. Thank you BBC.
"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," he stated. "On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don't know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East -- you're as good as dead."
Queue religious outrage.
And FireDogLake has a great post about Glenn Beck at CPAC talking about a "come to Jesus" moment for the Republicans. Beck, of course, is horribly misguided in his use of language. Surprise!
And one last thing. I was scanning through the news for this post and saw the words "One True Crutch!" But then I did a double-take. It actually read: "One True Church!" Same difference, I thought.
Last last - I think Jesus would drink Schlitz and smoke Pall Malls. You?
Of course, if I had to deal with the Republican asshats in the Senate I'd probably drink pretty heavily too. But not when I was going to be on teevee. Even if you don't consider CSPAN teevee.
This morning, in a throw away to a break, Glenn spouted the little gem that the origin of the word gossip comes from kings needing to know what the people were thinking, and so sent their minions to pubs and taverns with the instructions to "go sip" here or there. And that turned into "gossip."
Right. And back then most weddings happened in June because people bathed once a year in May...
Anyone who has been on the internet more than five minutes should know that research into historical or etymological claims is a necessity. And when you have a paid research staff, foolish errors like this make you look silly.
The appeal of such stories is said to be that they "make sense," but the actual origin of "gossip" makes just as much sense even if it takes a bit longer to explain. In Old English, a "godsibb" was a godmother or godfather, a person's sponsor at baptism, from "god" plus "sib," meaning "relative" (related to our modern "sibling"). Eventually "godsib" acquired the broader meaning of "close friend" of either sex, although most often a woman. Since close friends share intimate secrets and news, "gossip" (as it was spelled by the 15th century) came to mean "one who indulges in idle chatter or rumors," and the modern sense of labeling someone a "gossip" was born. The use of "gossip" to mean the rumors themselves is more recent, appearing in the 19th century.
A thought fart while coasting through some Google Image Search results. Needed to be done. Though it would be cool, it's unfortunately all smoke and mirrors folks. Until I get my homebrew going....
Friday night I bought a 12 of Miller Lite. The caps have now gone gold and are being touted as flavor savers or some shit. I think we all know it just means Miller Lite has gone caffeine-free.
I believe a leaf blower is a horrible affront to our environment, wasting gas or electricity to do something a little elbow grease and a rake can do.
(tell me you get this)
Also, I cannot afford a leaf blower.
I'm making meatloaf right now for my wife on Mother's day. I used a recipe that did not have measurements and I added too much mustard. I'm hoping it will be okayh. But it means that I've been spending the past hour, on Mother's Day, wondering if I cut the mustard enough.
If you're ever listening to someone spout Bible Hate about homosexuals, please remind them that Leviticus 18:22 says "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." but Leviticus 19:19 says "...neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee" and ask them if they're wearing a blend.
Walmart has apparently gone upscale. I skimmed the site: not one trace of that bouncing ball of incandescent gas, that miniature nuclear furnace, hacksaw in hand, ready to cut prices. A move from ass-clown to abstract, bargain bin to buy classy.
It's reinforced by this microsite, where you can watch an ad where a woman testifies to how Walmart helped her afford a laptop for her 11 year old kid (guessing - that's how old her kid looks).
First problem: 11 year old kids do not have or need fucking laptops. They break them.
Second problem: In places where 11 year old kids have or need fucking laptops, those kids live in $500,000 homes with parents who can afford those things with which to spoil their kids and if they drop it off the balcony into the grand foyer, Daddy will fart another $1000 and toss his kid the AmEx.
Third problem: Anyone living in that neighborhood would be anathema, driven out with torches and pitchforks, should their H3 ever be spotted in the parking lot of Walmart.
Bottom line: Walmart can put lipstick on the pig, but have you been inside a store lately? Stop in on some Friday night after a few drinks or bong rips, but be forewarned: hilarity and despair walk a very fine line in the house that Sam Walton built.
Don't get me wrong, it's great people watching, but damn. The employees look like they should be on suicide watch at death row, the shoppers exude sadness along with some rather indescribable odors - except for the manic ones, jumping up and down in the aisle because that bean bag chair's only eight bucks. Eight bucks! But, no, stop! You don't need a bean bag chair. You're shopping here because you can't buy milk for cigarettes. For the love of all things holy, put that bean bag chair down!
And then there's the millions of exploited Chinese children that are making all these lovely products, companies and jobs strongarmed into moving to China.
And then you have to go because, bummer, and the bar's still open and you can smoke a bowl on the way.
75 years ago, our idiot government had a brain fart long enough to pause a continued stream of stupidity and repealed Prohibition. Today marks the first recovering beer deliveries. From the Beer Institute:
"The last 75 years powerfully demonstrate that a healthy beer industry strengthens our overall economy," said Beer Institute President Jeff Becker. "Looking forward, fair tax policies are essential to ensuring that brewers and beer importers can continue supporting the more than 1.7 million jobs we have created and $190 billion provided annually to the economy."
Fair taxes aside - Cleveland area still enjoys a "sin tax" on all alcohol and tobacco years after the stadium that it was meant to pay for was completed; and you can't smoke there - this is a cause for celebration.
So raise a glass in cheers for those who made it possible, and raise a joint for those working hard to reform the other idiot prohibitions still in existence.
Just a reminder that Daylight Savings Time begins again this Saturday, March 9th, at 2:00am. And if you remember Spring forward, Fall back, you will realize that this is that dreaded day that at 2am it suddenly becomes 3am, so the bartender will be taking your beer at 1:30am (in Ohio, last call is usually at 2am and legally all bottles must be out of customer hands by 2:30).
You'll have to wait for November 2nd for that magical evening when at 2am it suddenly becomes 1am and bars are open that extra hour.
How is it I didn't have an alcohol tag until this post?
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