Monday, August 11, 2008

Walmart Upscales Its Game?

I noticed this during the Olympics this weekend:

Walmart's New Logo

Walmart has apparently gone upscale. I skimmed the site: not one trace of that bouncing ball of incandescent gas, that miniature nuclear furnace, hacksaw in hand, ready to cut prices. A move from ass-clown to abstract, bargain bin to buy classy.

It's reinforced by this microsite, where you can watch an ad where a woman testifies to how Walmart helped her afford a laptop for her 11 year old kid (guessing - that's how old her kid looks).

First problem: 11 year old kids do not have or need fucking laptops. They break them.

Second problem: In places where 11 year old kids have or need fucking laptops, those kids live in $500,000 homes with parents who can afford those things with which to spoil their kids and if they drop it off the balcony into the grand foyer, Daddy will fart another $1000 and toss his kid the AmEx.

Third problem: Anyone living in that neighborhood would be anathema, driven out with torches and pitchforks, should their H3 ever be spotted in the parking lot of Walmart.

Bottom line: Walmart can put lipstick on the pig, but have you been inside a store lately? Stop in on some Friday night after a few drinks or bong rips, but be forewarned: hilarity and despair walk a very fine line in the house that Sam Walton built.

Don't get me wrong, it's great people watching, but damn. The employees look like they should be on suicide watch at death row, the shoppers exude sadness along with some rather indescribable odors - except for the manic ones, jumping up and down in the aisle because that bean bag chair's only eight bucks. Eight bucks! But, no, stop! You don't need a bean bag chair. You're shopping here because you can't buy milk for cigarettes. For the love of all things holy, put that bean bag chair down!

And then there's the millions of exploited Chinese children that are making all these lovely products, companies and jobs strongarmed into moving to China.

And then you have to go because, bummer, and the bar's still open and you can smoke a bowl on the way.


Anonymous said...

Cannot. Will not. Not even for an $8 bean bag chair.

Freida Bee said...

Uggh. I went to Target tonight for the first time in months (I think it's been over a year since I've stepped into a Wal Mart- on purpose- though Target's not much better). I was going to get a baby gate to keep our new pet rabbit in our closet when we're not home, lest he or she eat the house in our absence, but I ened up putting gigantic bags of pet food, cheaper than normal organic frozen dinners, tack, mechanical pencils, and a new vacuum in my cart, only to put it all back, buy Mr. Bee some sorely needed boxers and socks, a small bag of dog food, some contact paper and realize out in the parking lot I forgot the baby gate in the end. I hate those places. I did not go back in. We'll manage for now.