With Conservatives, Stupid Sticks

President Hu of China stopped by D.C. today to have a meeting with Obama and let him know - wink wink nudge nudge - that they and Walmart will eventually crush us and if that doesn't work, the army they have will do it physically, though many of them are only 9, but hey, if they can make our Nike's and fuck our tourists, by gum they can shoot a shoddy rifle!

Seriously, though, Matt Drudge thought it important that his headline link to an article about how China's going to rule the world. But Matt did something MUCH more interesting; he used this image as the headline:



You may recall that the conservatards on the teevee and the ay-aym were hard at work to spread the word that the Nuclear Security Summit in D.C. in 2010 was not only going to take away all our nukes, but that the logo itself was like one of those Islamic moons (not an abstract atomic model, not at all).

So Matt Drudge has created an ignorant conservative propaganda night terror: Obama (they're gonna take our guns and democracy), China (they're gonna take our jobs and financial stability - hey, let's go to Walmart), "Red dragon" (Godless communists gonna take our Pledge), Nuclear disarmament reminder (they're gonna take our nukes), and ...something about Islam (they're gonna take our Christianity). And Obama's head is slightly bowed! OMG! He's already surrendering!

If this man knows what he's doing, he is horrifying. Sweet dreams.

Walmart Upscales Its Game?

I noticed this during the Olympics this weekend:



Walmart has apparently gone upscale. I skimmed the site: not one trace of that bouncing ball of incandescent gas, that miniature nuclear furnace, hacksaw in hand, ready to cut prices. A move from ass-clown to abstract, bargain bin to buy classy.

It's reinforced by this microsite, where you can watch an ad where a woman testifies to how Walmart helped her afford a laptop for her 11 year old kid (guessing - that's how old her kid looks).

First problem: 11 year old kids do not have or need fucking laptops. They break them.

Second problem: In places where 11 year old kids have or need fucking laptops, those kids live in $500,000 homes with parents who can afford those things with which to spoil their kids and if they drop it off the balcony into the grand foyer, Daddy will fart another $1000 and toss his kid the AmEx.

Third problem: Anyone living in that neighborhood would be anathema, driven out with torches and pitchforks, should their H3 ever be spotted in the parking lot of Walmart.


Bottom line: Walmart can put lipstick on the pig, but have you been inside a store lately? Stop in on some Friday night after a few drinks or bong rips, but be forewarned: hilarity and despair walk a very fine line in the house that Sam Walton built.

Don't get me wrong, it's great people watching, but damn. The employees look like they should be on suicide watch at death row, the shoppers exude sadness along with some rather indescribable odors - except for the manic ones, jumping up and down in the aisle because that bean bag chair's only eight bucks. Eight bucks! But, no, stop! You don't need a bean bag chair. You're shopping here because you can't buy milk for cigarettes. For the love of all things holy, put that bean bag chair down!

And then there's the millions of exploited Chinese children that are making all these lovely products, companies and jobs strongarmed into moving to China.

And then you have to go because, bummer, and the bar's still open and you can smoke a bowl on the way.

China's Safe! Yay!

How do you make sure everyone feels safe at the Olympics? If you're China, while people are still grumbling about the pollution, you shout: Hay, we just stopped the terr'ists! Yay!

Shanghai police have broken up an international terrorist group that had planned to attack an Olympic football preliminary match in the city, state news agency Xinhua said on Thursday.

Right. Best quote: "We have staged raids...."

I bet you have.

Us, Israel, Iraq, Iran

Just to be clear: we're using a country we invaded and are now occupying to give the nod to Israel to stretch their military legs (all three) and practice for a military strike against Iran which will most certainly start another war for which we are not equipped but will certainly become a part.

Either there is some sort of upper-echelon illuminati thing going on or Bush sees us in the Middle East as a kegger: "Hey, it's all good, come on over - byo bombs! Just kiddin' we've got tons more if you need them."

Quick recap: either we or Israel attack Iran and the fold-in begins: China dumps its currency and activates 300,000 troops, crippling us economically, dwarfing us militarily; Russia jumps in on their side with North Korea. And we're done. Because we're already barely managing two fronts - a third would knock us down and 2 new world power enemies would be very, very bad. And once the rest of the world sees us knocked down a peg, it's open season gangbang time.

Every day it's closer. Get your duct tape.

Ancient Chinese Secret ...for Destruction and, Apparently, Patriotism

Wait, what was I writing about?

Oh, yeah, let's try this:



From those lovely Brits at the Telegraph:

Satellite imagery, passed to The Daily Telegraph, shows that a substantial harbour has been built which could house a score of nuclear ballistic missile submarines and a host of aircraft carriers.

In what will be a significant challenge to US Navy dominance and to countries ringing the South China Sea, one photograph shows China’s latest 094 nuclear submarine at the base just a few hundred miles from its neighbours.

Other images show numerous warships moored to long jettys and a network of underground tunnels at the Sanya base on the southern tip of Hainan island.

I shouldn't have to say this, but there are many, many ignorant "I'm a victim" folks out there, and apparently the Chinese are just as good at misplacing aggression as rednecks are: the following tirade is focused at the powers that be, the oppressive government of China, primarily, that has nothing to do with the Chinese people, who should overthrow their oppressors.

So...Aside from the obvious arch-villain mastermind cave lair issue, let's go over the political basics one more time:

• China fucking owns us because they own a sick amount of our debt. They could shake their money-maker and cause a dip in the Dow. They shuck poison toys, smirking as they shake our hands with shit, smeared in their palms, mouthing "Whatcha gonna do?" all the while eying the vice in which they have out balls clamped.


• China has one man and one woman available for military service for every American alive. Let me say that in another way: China's standing potential army (age 18-49) is well over twice the population of the entire U.S.A., all ages. Those fit for service are just under "twice."


• Based on past diplomatic efforts of the past eight years, China can deal with Russia. Russia can deal with Iran. Iran can deal with China. Iran can deal with Venezuela. Iran can deal with North Korea. Russa can deal with North Korea. They're all kind of buddies in that they think we need to be taken down a peg.


• We really don't want to talk to any of them.

Here's a reminder in the form of a delicious Photoshop I put together a little less than a year ago:



Everyone's heard the phraseology of "America the Bully." True dat. But our world, the playground, if you will, has recently seen some kids bulk up. And they're all talking in the corner. They may not have the abilities or the technology or the know-how on their own, but they can MacGyver it if they needed to, and together the numbers are in their favor.

And the US is just kind of mindlessly, dreamily staring at the sandbox. Invested, he'd whisper, were he asked.

And it has suddenly become very quiet, but US doesn't really notice.

So when the beatdown comes, we know who'll throw the first couple punches. But when US is bent over a little, when those accosting have proven weakness beyond a reasonable doubt, who else will join in? Who will come out of the woodwork? Who else will align with a potential "new bully?" Who else will come out with baseball bats or sticks or hat pins to give a whack "because it's about time?" or "just because?"

(pause)
I think the more frightening, "reality" question is: should this paranoid thought experiment play out as proposed, how would I react? I complain about America and I try to better America and I write and I vote and I participate in activism when possible and I do all these things because I do love and want to protect the freedom to do these things of which I speak.

So if America was the object of a military, world-wide, gang rape, would I leave my wife and daughter and take all my tech savvy and voice and passion and intelligence and potential firearm acuity and strap one on and blow the fuck out of anything that actually threatened this country and all that it stands for? To make this world safe for my daughter to blog and piss and moan about what's wrong with America?

You bet your ass I would.

Just like if the zombies attack.

Fuck. I think I just got all patriotic. And maybe emotional. Not to worry; it's a feeling, not a flag or a pin or a gun, so few will actually recognize it.

Shit, I've got to get a gun.

Let's just keep this between us.

Ricky's April "Read It Later" Roundup

I've talked before about the Read It Later Firefox download, which is basically a button that files URLs in to a Bookmarks folder called "Read It Later."

It is both a curse and a blessing. Blessing because I otherwise might not keep track of some of the stories I come across and you would lose out. Curse because I tend to both procrastinate and lose track of when "later" should occur. Because of this, I need a steady cleaning session, and today's the day!

US-funded health search-engine censors all results for searches on "abortion"

From BoingBoing:

Popline is the world's largest health-information search engine, run by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health with funding from the US government. They have just changed their database so that queries for "abortion" show no results, even though the system has access to more than 25,000 documents on the subject. They say they've done this because they believe it's a requirement of their federal funding.

The Bush Administration limits most of their sex ed funding to abstinence-only training, the results eight years later show higher incidence of teen pregnancy and STDs, the media ignores it, and we're supposed to be surprised by this? Bush != Science. Surprise!

Flu Vaccine Not So Good

(fake update: where I Chanel the Flaming Fashionista)
Another one for the Sur-prise! cache. The CDC done fucked up. Again. It's not their fault; they have to guess, during the nadir of influenza outbreaks, what three, hot, fashionable strains will be picked up by the most folks in the coming season.

The reason they have to do all this mad guessing? They've freaked so many people out about the necessity of getting a flu shot that they've got to deliver. Okay, so it is their fault. And constant reminders that Bird Flu Gonna Getchu - not even going there, my chicken-lovin' sistahs. No Whammies!

And this time around, it looks like two of the three picks were duds. Better luck next season! Even Vogue gets it wrong some of the time. Who am I kidding; Vogue never gets it wrong.

Cafferty is Plated Chinese Shit Sandwich

I was going to go all out, rage for paragraphs on this one, but I think it's better in concentrated format.

What he said:

I don't know if China is any different, but our relationship with China is certainly different. We're in hock to the Chinese up to our eyeballs because of the war in Iraq, for one thing. They're holding hundreds of billions of dollars worth of our paper.

We are also running hundreds of billions of dollars' worth or trade deficits with them, as we continue to import their junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food and export, you know, jobs to places where you can pay workers a dollar a month to turn out the stuff that we're buying from Wal-Mart.

So I think our relationship with China has certainly changed. I think they're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years.

And he was right: China owns us and is using the leverage to make us smile while they walk on our nuts with a conga line of piss-poor products. Wal-Mart is King Pimp, whoring Chinese goods to us while assassinating American jobs in the back room.

The average Chinese salary is $0.35/day. A day. If the angry Chinese now protesting CNN pointed their concern at China and attacked the real problem - lack of human rights, product regulation, and a humanistic wage - then they might actually accomplish something. This is nothing more than misplaced aggression, throwing stones at the film critic when the movie truly, truly sucks.

But they're suing CNN. $1.3 billion. Enough to pay every Chinese citizen the average of about 3 days wages of the average worker. And the douchebox known as NewsBusters (semantic note: a douchebox can and often does hold many douchebags) decided to basically reprint the story and call Cafferty names. As I believe I've already noted: douchebox.


Thus ends the April Roundup. I hope you enjoyed. Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite.

Wal-Mart Digs Deeper into Depravity

Most of us are aware of the unfair business practices of Wal-Mart forcing many of its providers to produce in China so it can take advantage of the unregulated, unjust working conditions, as well as the consistent lack of a living wage for its US employees and the secondary "small business killer" service it provides. From Mother Jones we have a new low:

Just when you think that Wal-Mart had already exhausted every last possible strategy for screwing over its employees, here comes this story in the Wall Street Journal. Deborah Shank, a Wal-Mart employee gets into an accident with a semi and ends up permanently brain-damaged a few years back. Her Wal-Mart health insurance paid her medical bills, but she also sued the trucking company for damages. She wins $700,000, which after legal fees and expenses, nets her about $400,000, which was put in a trust to pay the nursing home she now lives in.

But Wal-Mart gets wind of the settlement and turns around and sues Shank for $470,000, the money its insurance company paid for her care from the accident. Now, the woman is reliant on Medicaid and Social Security and Wal-Mart apparently got a much needed windfall.

Wal-Mart isn't alone in such behavior. Insurance companies seizing lawsuit winnings from catastrophically injured Americans is a common practice that gives lie to the notion that anyone gets rich off a personal injury lawsuit these days, as insurance companies often get first dibs on any judgment or settlement in such cases. But Wal-Mart's cruelty, as always, is extreme in this case. Not only is Shenk profoundly disabled, but while her family was fighting off the company in court, her son was killed while fighting the war in Iraq. Not even bad PR like this, apparently, can eke out a drop of compassion from the retail giant.

Taiwan Not Gay for China

China's pointing 1000 missiles at Taiwan because it doesn't like that Taiwan has a separate identity. Taiwan (who likes their separate identity), in a show of military power, is parading 2 missiles along with the following show of strength:



Chippendales go Asian Baywatch? I don't even know what to say except that this is probably not the image they were going for.

Your captions welcome!

Russia, China, Iran Solidifying, Threaten U.S.

I've long had my eye out on the Russia-China-Iran meetings and deals with each other and with their close buddies North Korea and Venezuela (More on China, Big 5 is 6 and Growing..., Jesus Built my Hotrod but Muhammad Pumps the Gas, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Leaf Blower, to name a few).

This came through today from the International Herald Tribune:

The leaders of Russia, China and Iran have warned the outside world to leave Central Asia alone to look after its own stability and security, in a veiled message to the United States issued on the eve of major war games between Russia and China.
...
Some 6,000 Russian and Chinese troops, dozens of aircraft and hundreds of armored vehicles and other heavy weapons will be participating the games — the first such joint drills on Russia's territory.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: WTF?

I'm useless without a terror warning. Should I be nervous? Eh, it's not part of the War on Terror, so who gives a shit?

...besides Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela...

China Attacks with Tech Geeks...and Russia?

A little more to feed the Chinese obsession/paranoia. From the Telegraph:

China's People's Liberation Army had established units to develop viruses to attack enemy computer systems and networks, the Pentagon said.
...
The clearest example so far of cyber conflict came earlier this year when Estonia claimed that state-sponsored Russian hackers had attacked official websites in retaliation for the removal of a Soviet-era monument in its capital, Tallinn.
...
The Chinese foreign ministry rejected the Pentagon's report as "brutal interference" in internal affairs and insisted that Beijing's military preparations were purely defensive.

So China's planning, Russia's already executed, and they're all buddy-buddy?

Denial of service attack reports pop up from time to time, like military exercises by armed forces. A focused attack by powers outside and daemons inside the country? Well, if a Russian techno-fart could take down secured banking websites in Estonia, I think there's something there to be worried about.

More on China, Big 5 is 6 and Growing...

This is crossposted from my rant at All Things Democrat. I just started writing and researching and came up with too much good information for it not to be here as well. If this is paranoia and not conspiracy, it's mad uncanny.

Let's do a little focusing on China and why they're doing a little bit of scaring the hell out of me. China has a population of 1.3 billion. They have 2.25 million active troops in their People's Liberation Army with over 7 million troops total. They are a nuclear power with a spending limit that is growing by bounds and bounds every time we blink because their trade surplus is skyrocketing, recently bumping $22.5 billion (our trade profile uses the word "deficit"). This has to do with our trade practices (Wal-Mart itself imports 10% of all China's products) and our invariant deafness to still-shady human rights practices when someone's flipping a wad of Bennies in our ear.

China's feeding an already corpulent army with our fatback patronage. Some people are linking this to a history of threatening Taiwan, should they decide to get all batshit crazy and declare formal independence. So what are we doing? Surprisingly, nothing new: we've been Taiwan's primary supplier of arms since 1979; they're asking for more and we're saying they want even more than that.

Looks like we're building our own pickle just so we can be in it.

We're feeding the beast at both ends with complete ignorance about both halves and a blind eye to the military reality of the situation. We don't see the other pieces. China, this growing behemoth, is not just hungry for wealth, but to placate the masses, they must also devour oil. And today they were talking to Iran about becoming oil buddies. You remember Iran, who wants to wipe Israel off the planet? That country that Senator Lieberman (I) would like to attack?

Well, Ahmadinejad in Iran talks to Nicaragua in an "anti-US summit" and has a past of buddying up with Chavez in Venezuela (called Bushy the devil), and we call all three of them "tyrants" (or so say the Turks). Chavez is also deepening ties with North Korea, because they have a budding nuclear program and Chavez wants a piece of world domination. There is an apparent improvement in ties between Iran and North Korea, and they are both being supported by China. Russia and China are now entering their second ten-year period of "strategic partnership," Putin's got ties with Venezuela at "peak level," and last week increased marine ties with Iran were the order of the day. And this was all in the news in the last two weeks.

It appears to me that there is a growing group of malcontents who are only malcontent with us. We don't really like them and they don't really like us; they put up with us because we're big. But they're getting pretty buddy-buddy - carpooling to the office, happy hour on Thursdays - and they're coming into an understanding that if they all got together, they'd be hella-strong, like Voltron on crack. And hey, if the Ro-Beast keeps driving out to the desert every weekend, why not just keep hanging out, growing ties, and pooling resources.

And pretty soon? Well, they just came to the party to drink some oil and kick some ass. And it looks like we're all out of oil.

Kate Chase is right about Russia: there is a larger picture here. It is a web that includes China, Iran, Venezuela, Nicaragua, North Korea. Syria's not entirely out of it either.

Our only hope (besides Obi-Wan Kenobi)? Doughnuts. Yes, doughnuts. The doughnut chains are making it to China. Our best bet is to allow the delicious yet deadly pastries to infiltrate the country and hope fat travels like the clap in a trailer park. Lack of motivation and resolve will follow and they they'll be on par with us and our administration. If only we could make them stupid too...

Russia, Iran, China, Venezuela, North Korea ISO U.S. Ass to Kick

This image is being reposted for posterity. The topics that follow are not so recycled.



I have made these connections before (Jesus Built My Hot Rod But Muhammad Pumps the Gas, Putin's Pedestrian Poisoning, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Leaf Blower). It just seems like everything is ramping up as of late.

• Russia: U.S. keeps dry humping their missile defense cock against Putin's knickers and he's not having any of it, despite the polite lip service we saw at the G8. Russia's spies are at cold war levels. Are ours? Oh yeah, lotsa nukes.
• Iran continues to further its nuclear program, although reports of weapons are a little Pre-Iraq-Intelligence for my palette. He's got oil, he's got game, and now Mahmoud Ahmadinejad uses the word 'countdown' to describe Israel's end. And we still have newscasters who joke about the pronunciation of his name. Most Likely to be Invaded Before the Next Election Award goes to...
• That wacky, "ronery" Kim Jong Il is still launching missiles like a bandit and still abusing human rights in that wall-up hermitage he calls a country. Nuclear power. Most Likely to go Nuts Award.
• China continues its constant military buildup, reinforcing the People's Liberation Army over 2 million strong. Human rights abuses. Nuclear power. Wait. How many did you say?
• Looks like good ol' Chavez has the 5th largest armed force in Latin America. Venezuela is also the 5th largest supplier to our crude oil habit, making up over 10% of the top 15. He could cripple us and potentially put up a pretty good fight, especially if he's just backing his buddies. On/off talks with Iran ('bout nukes?).

The issues have shifted some, but the point remains the same: We need to watch our ass. While everyone's pointing their dick at the Middle East, the rest of the world still goes about its business. If these five countries continue the camaraderie I've pointed out before (it's been going on and it continues to do so), the U.S. could be in for a serious ass-whoopin'. You don't need all five players to join forces to get that whoopin' done either. The most interesting thing about a bar brawl are the unexpected players that jump in; and when the shit goes down, they're not always on your side.

Photoshop Love: Putin's Pedestrian Poisoning?

He's baaaack!


Two Americans were recently treated for poisoning in Moscow by a toxic metal: thallium. At first I just thought that it was another Alexander Litvinenko mob hit issue, a return to the organized crime roots for Putin and Russians in general. Then something clicked. This was a test. And I blame the media.

Now, I don't know if Putin himself is a fan of CBS's Tuesday night lineup, but a couple weeks ago, the aired episode of NCIS dealt with nuclear inspectors. One of the inspectors was poisoned. With thallium.

Here's how I see it unfolding: Putin is sitting around on a Tuesday night, watching the satellite, NCIS to be exact, and an aide comes in.

AIDE: Vlad, we need some signatures on these assassination orders.

VLAD: Shhh. Leave them. I'll get to them later.

AIDE: NCIS. Sweet. Why's that guy sick?

VLAD: He was poisoned by thallium.

AIDE: Hmm. Hair falling out and everything. That shit actually work?

VLAD: I don't know. But I'm going to need you to find out.

AIDE: I just ran into some emigrated Russians downstairs. They came back, on vacation, heh. They're staying down the street.

VLAD: I guess you have your action item.

AIDE: Hehe.

VLAD: Muwahaha! Now go. You're lucky I'm DVRing this. Make me a mojito.

Sorry. That was ridiculous. They'd be speaking Russian, of course.

And even after this story broke, a Russian reporter was whacked for investigating Russian arms sales to Iran and Syria. Official reports say he jumped out of a window.

Jumped out of a window? That's not even Matlock mysterious. No one has purposefully jumped out of a window to end their life since the 80's, and even that was suspect. There are much more efficient ways to end your life, like buying a rifle at Wal-Mart and blowing your head off by pulling the trigger with your toe. Jaw-droppingly simple.

So Putin's plans progress. Assassinations digress to Cold War mob absurdity. But antics aside, as we discussed in Where in the World is Vladimir Putin? he's a man with a plan. China recently visited for a strategic meeting. China's Military Might is strong and growing. And they have something else in common with Russia: nukes.

Ancient Chinese Secret is starting to look a little more dangerous. And Vladimir Putin and Russia are looking a couple shades redder.