Republicans: Um, "I Like Money"

That quote is from the Mike Judge movie Idiocracy. The whole quote goes "I like money. I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out." It's a funny movie and if you haven't seen it, get it. Now.

As I've been contemplating for the last few weeks: The Bush Tax Cuts were justified as a means to institute a different version of the "trickle-down" effect. Of course, that's bullshit; the "trickle-down" effect was invented by rich bastards to get richer. When millionaires get more money, they keep it or spend it on themselves. That's why they're millionaires.

If the Bush Tax Cuts worked, we'd have jobs instead of depression, employment instead of people without health care living in their cars.

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) takes it home on CSPAN. Enjoy.

TSA's Nuthuggin': 15 Things NOT to Say at Security

Is it weird that I'm making a juvenile joke because the man's name is Balzac but visually he looks a little like Ron Jeremy? I believe there's a form of irony there somewhere...

There's a growing fervor over the TSA photographing and groping and leaking body scan photos. I'm lucky I don't have to fly soon - I'd probably mouth off and get held just long enough to miss my flight. So here's my top 15 things I'm not going to say but would like to if I were flying and got searched and didn't mind losing my flight:

1. I guess I never realized TSA stood for Testicle Stroking Authority. Maybe they should rethink that - you kinda suck at it.
2. I'll show you my penis for a dollar.
3. I'd love a cigarette but then I'd have to go outside, come back in, and go through that again. Okay, I'm going to have a cigarette. Save my seat.
4. Where's my rape whistle?
5. FYI, I dress to the left.
6. I was led to believe I would receive a Happy Ending?
7. You gonna think about my balls when you fuck your wife?
8. Do you charge extra for a pinky in my bunghole?
9. Thank God I'm drunk during this!
10. This ain't no pansy-party; get on up in there n make sure I ain't no turrurrist!
11. (While grinding) Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh noooooo!
12. How many balls would you say you touch in a day? Do you like 'em? You should call Guinness - there might be an opening for a daily ball-handling record.
13. If you want to put it in me, it's gonna be extra.
14. Do you tend to caress, squeeze, or bob the nuts?
15. You call that a reach-around?

And then, doing that while wearing this tshirt:


That would be an awesome day. Okay, it would probably suck, but hell would that be a story to blog about.

What inappropriate statements would you make? Comments is wide open :)


UPDATE: Blueberry left an obvious omission:

I heard something about some guys (as a protest, or just for fun) planning to opt out of the screening in favor of the manual check, and they will be commando and wearing kilts.

OMG I'm totally doing that.

Four Loko: Yes, The Government is Retarded

What the fucking fuck? You know sometimes that I espouse the base beliefs of Republicans, one being keeping the goddamned government out of our lives? This is a clear example of that.

Four Loko hit the news a couple weeks ago because with it's 12% ABV and loads of caffine, it made a couple college kids vomit. The Hill reports:

Drug czar Gil Kerlikowske said he welcomed a ruling by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that would effectively ban drinks like Four Loko and Joost, which have come under scrutiny for their alleged role in several cases of alcohol intoxication on college campuses.

Yes. Their role. Because binge drinking, college kids wanting to get wasted, and alcohol poisoning can be traced to one source: Four Loko.

I bought the drink once, partly because I like the booze but mostly because I'm a sucker for a novelty. I saw a caffeinated blue-raspberry drink with 12% alcohol for less than $2 and I was all "Fuck yeah - party time!" But no. It was awful. And I'm not talking "My fine wine and whiskey palette could not tolerate such an outrage" snobbery bullshit. This was eight-year-old blue-raspberry cotton candy dissolved in turpentine with a hard shot of gag reflex and enough HFCS to bring the liquid to a saturation point. I got through 3 little sips and was done forever with the foul beast.

But that doesn't mean the government should be allowed to ban it. College kids get drunk; that's the other half of their job. They will always gravitate towards the cheapest ways to alter their consciousness. That's why weed's less popular than alcohol and Hennessey is less sucked down than Natty Light.

Note to our government: Everyone sees that this is posturing, but it's laughable posturing. It's like someone walked into the office of the FDA and said "Listen! This is DANGEROUS!" and everyone was like "OMG Yeah!" and then they took it to the White House and said "Mr. President! This is not only what they world cares about but if you address this everyone will love you!"

And you know why you're being fed this?! It's the fucking November Book! This is the time of year (along with others) where TV Ratings will determine viewership which will determine a station or network's ability to price their commercials. Wonder why you generally turn on the news and hear "The Mount Adams Puppy you can't miss!" but about 4 times a year the headline teaser is "You probably have AIDS - Tune in at 11 to find out for sure!"? Ratings!

President Obama: You are a damn fool, a naive sucker to come out and say this is a health issue. What's next? A ban on red bull in bars (because that's about the same, just more expensive)? Perhaps a ban on sweetened alcoholic drinks? Then a ban on alcohol? Maybe a ban on college? Where does this silliness end? Should everyone call this an attack on the poor because you're eliminating one way for poor folk to get drunk? I mean, they still have Thunderbird. But you backed a federal ban on something based on a fabricated "epidemic" based on television stations trying to get viewers.

I am an ardent supporter but, for now, I laugh at you. I laugh because you're being a sucker, I laugh because you were suckered by the media sensationalism you have so often knocked down, but mostly I laugh because Four Loko, when faced with an alcohol/caffeine ban responded by saying "Okay, we'll get rid of the caffeine."

They're still serving sugary booze-ness to everyone and you've wasted thousands of taxpayer dollars just talking about it!

Don't we have more important things to worry about like wars and health care?




UPDATE: I got this Know! email from the Drug-Free Alliance:

"Blackout in a Can" is what some people are calling Four Loko: a dangerous, new alcohol energy drink that contains nearly as much alcohol as a six pack of beer and as much caffeine as a 12-ounce cup of coffee, all in one supersized serving (24-ounce can).

Alcohol energy drinks are no new concept and have long been a concern. However, alcohol-infused energy drinks like Four Loko, are especially dangerous because they contain an incredibly high amount of alcohol mixed with caffeine. Medical experts say that combining a depressant (alcohol) with a stimulant (caffeine) is hazardous to both the body and brain, and it makes for a, "wide awake drunk," as the caffeine masks the typical effects of alcohol.

Um, if your kids are getting their hands on this can, you've got much bigger problems than just talking to your kids. Alcohol + Caffeine exists and will be consumed legally in bars by anyone over 21. In excess in some cases. Just be a good, open, and accepting parent and you won't have to worry about insanity. Add the Drug-Free Alliance to the fear-mongering list of fools.

Hawt Denny's Brawl - Video

Just kidding. It's not really hawt. If anything, it's trash, but it's scantily-clad Halloween trash.


[via Gawker TV]

I bet they didn't tip either.

A Bad Case of the Gangster Midgets

(Seriously, internets? I hit Google Image Search for a little person [Yes, I know 'midget' is offensive - the title is in reference to childhood perception.] dressed as a Gangster. You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun? But 20 pages of results and the douche from Pit Boss is the closest I can get? [Yes, Pit Boss guy would be a douche at any height - not a slight at size, he's just a dick.] So why nothing in 20 pages of results? Because it was full of "gangsta"s, not gangsters, some little people, some big, all hood rats. [note: always turn GIS safe search back on after searching 'alyson hannigan' and before searching 'gangster midget.' If not? Holy little people ghetto cock party.] So, on to the actual post.)

When I was a kid, I had this strange nightmare that my father was standing on our dining room table trying to fix a stained-glass hanging lamp. I was trying to tell him to be careful but at some point he bumped his head on the lamp and started crying uncontrollably. My stomach dropped and then things got worse. I heard a rumbling and a clatter and turned around to see about a half dozen little people gangsters (You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun?) dropping from the chimney into the fireplace, emerging from the sooty entranceway, and advancing on us. I moved back towards the table but it wasn't safe there either because the protectorate that my Dad should've been was wailing and streaming with tears.

I'll never forget that dream or that feeling: hopelessness, despair, acute anxiety, overwhelming desire to disappear.

I bring that up because over the past few weeks I've had a bad case of the gangster midgets. Whenever my depression manifests itself, I get the same feeling I did in that dream, only instead of a quick sampling of it that fades when I wake, it is prolonged and draining and manifests wholly in my conscious hours. I seem to be pulling out of it somewhat, surfacing above the clouds, but it's hard - as lost as I get when I drive through those moods, there's something comforting about darkness and silence and solitude.

So I'm working on a list, a schedule of sorts, to keep me on track to maintain this upswing. I've identified most of the things I should do, things I should avoid. Now I've just got to get it on paper - and stick to it.

And for you? That might just mean me getting back to posting more regularly.