A Bad Case of the Gangster Midgets

(Seriously, internets? I hit Google Image Search for a little person [Yes, I know 'midget' is offensive - the title is in reference to childhood perception.] dressed as a Gangster. You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun? But 20 pages of results and the douche from Pit Boss is the closest I can get? [Yes, Pit Boss guy would be a douche at any height - not a slight at size, he's just a dick.] So why nothing in 20 pages of results? Because it was full of "gangsta"s, not gangsters, some little people, some big, all hood rats. [note: always turn GIS safe search back on after searching 'alyson hannigan' and before searching 'gangster midget.' If not? Holy little people ghetto cock party.] So, on to the actual post.)

When I was a kid, I had this strange nightmare that my father was standing on our dining room table trying to fix a stained-glass hanging lamp. I was trying to tell him to be careful but at some point he bumped his head on the lamp and started crying uncontrollably. My stomach dropped and then things got worse. I heard a rumbling and a clatter and turned around to see about a half dozen little people gangsters (You know, pin-striped suit, fedora, tommy gun?) dropping from the chimney into the fireplace, emerging from the sooty entranceway, and advancing on us. I moved back towards the table but it wasn't safe there either because the protectorate that my Dad should've been was wailing and streaming with tears.

I'll never forget that dream or that feeling: hopelessness, despair, acute anxiety, overwhelming desire to disappear.

I bring that up because over the past few weeks I've had a bad case of the gangster midgets. Whenever my depression manifests itself, I get the same feeling I did in that dream, only instead of a quick sampling of it that fades when I wake, it is prolonged and draining and manifests wholly in my conscious hours. I seem to be pulling out of it somewhat, surfacing above the clouds, but it's hard - as lost as I get when I drive through those moods, there's something comforting about darkness and silence and solitude.

So I'm working on a list, a schedule of sorts, to keep me on track to maintain this upswing. I've identified most of the things I should do, things I should avoid. Now I've just got to get it on paper - and stick to it.

And for you? That might just mean me getting back to posting more regularly.