Thursday, November 18, 2010

TSA's Nuthuggin': 15 Things NOT to Say at Security


Is it weird that I'm making a juvenile joke because the man's name is Balzac but visually he looks a little like Ron Jeremy? I believe there's a form of irony there somewhere...

There's a growing fervor over the TSA photographing and groping and leaking body scan photos. I'm lucky I don't have to fly soon - I'd probably mouth off and get held just long enough to miss my flight. So here's my top 15 things I'm not going to say but would like to if I were flying and got searched and didn't mind losing my flight:

  1. I guess I never realized TSA stood for Testicle Stroking Authority. Maybe they should rethink that - you kinda suck at it.
  2. I'll show you my penis for a dollar.
  3. I'd love a cigarette but then I'd have to go outside, come back in, and go through that again. Okay, I'm going to have a cigarette. Save my seat.
  4. Where's my rape whistle?
  5. FYI, I dress to the left.
  6. I was led to believe I would receive a Happy Ending?
  7. You gonna think about my balls when you fuck your wife?
  8. Do you charge extra for a pinky in my bunghole?
  9. Thank God I'm drunk during this!
  10. This ain't no pansy-party; get on up in there n make sure I ain't no turrurrist!
  11. (While grinding) Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh noooooo!
  12. How many balls would you say you touch in a day? Do you like 'em? You should call Guinness - there might be an opening for a daily ball-handling record.
  13. If you want to put it in me, it's gonna be extra.
  14. Do you tend to caress, squeeze, or bob the nuts?
  15. You call that a reach-around?

And then, doing that while wearing this tshirt:


That would be an awesome day. Okay, it would probably suck, but hell would that be a story to blog about.

What inappropriate statements would you make? Comments is wide open :)


UPDATE: Blueberry left an obvious omission:
I heard something about some guys (as a protest, or just for fun) planning to opt out of the screening in favor of the manual check, and they will be commando and wearing kilts.

OMG I'm totally doing that.

3 comments:

Freida Bee, MD said...

I am actually going to fly next week and I thought the most appropriate inappropriate response might be to moan in pleasure.

Pearl said...

It's official. The U.S. has lost it's mind.

Pearl

Blueberry said...

I heard something about some guys (as a protest, or just for fun) planning to opt out of the screening in favor of the manual check, and they will be commando and wearing kilts.