Teh Gayz Driving Conservatives Crazypants

On Monday, the Supreme Court decided not to delay same sex marriage in Alabama, and conservatives are flipping their shit.

The huge flip-out is brought to you in part by Justice Clarence "Pubes on a Coke" Thomas. In his dissent on the Alabama case, he may have dropped a hint that SCOTUS is going to lean pro-LGBT in upcoming rulings.

In just two days, Alabama has turned into a disaster. SCOTUS struck down the state's ban, meaning immediately same-sex couples can get married. But Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore was all "Hell naw, not in my 'Bama!" and ordered probate judges to ignore the highest court in the land and NOT offer marriage licenses. Some are complying and some are defying that order. And now a woman has been arrested for officiating a same sex marriage. Wut?

The walls of bigotry continue to fall, and it couldn't happen at a faster pace. Hell, even Nebraska took their lumps and decided they loved guns more than they hated gays and by proxy recognized same sex marriage.

But that doesn't mean the anachronistic creepers aren't going down kicking and screaming. Sam Brownbeck, governor of Kansas, took a break from dealing with the budget nightmare he created to issue an executive order removing LGBT from the state's protected class list. Because sometimes slashing pensions and cutting education needs to be punctuated with an announcement to the nation of "Don't worry folks, Kansas still hates fags."

And now we even see congress getting in on the action. Ted Cruz, recent ex-Canadian and potential presidential candidate, has re-introduced the State Marriage Defense Act which would require the federal government to defer to state law in deciding if people are married or not. This is, on its face, insane: imagine getting legally married in Alabama and receiving all the normal state and federal tax benefits and then moving to Ohio with your job and suddenly you're not married, lose all protections, and can't even visit your partner in the hospital. It'll never make it to Obama's desk. But Teddy's aiming for the White House and doesn't want anyone thinking he's okay with them queers.

We are living in a monumental time. SCOTUS will be deciding if the Constitution guarantees the right for same sex couples to marry by June, and based on Thomas's hint, it's going to change the law federally. It is going to be a sight to behold, and finally give me a chance to officiate same-sex marriages here in Ohio (or Indiana, or Kentucky).

Let's just hope that the sullied character of the bigots desperately grasping at straws and straw men don't do too much damage in their sad attempt to keep hold of a time long past its expiration date.

Thomas Jefferson on Changing Times

"I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions. I think moderate imperfections had better be borne with; because, when once known, we accommodate ourselves to them, and find practical means of correcting their ill effects. But I know also, that laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths disclosed, and manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."

- Jefferson to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval), July 12, 1816

Liberty and Justice - For ALL

The Right to Marry: Prop 8 & DOMA

(sidenote: you hashtag FB and I'll pull your nosehairs)

I'm getting a little oversaturated with this week's SCOTUS questioning of California's Prop 8 and DOMA. The reason is that, for me, it's very cut and dry: every consenting adult should have the right to marry another consenting adult despite the sex of that person. Anything less is bigotry and discrimination, caused by ignorance and fear, and justified by hiding behind the shield of "freedom" or religion.

Some of the awful defenses we've all heard too much of:

The Bible!
Seriously? We're still doing this? There is NO sacred tradition of marriage in the Bible. Women are property; Solomon had 700 wives, etc. And even if there was a single, unified message of the Biblical definition of marriage?




It's Sacred!
Shut up. If it were so sacred you'd be fighting to ban divorce as vehemently as you are fighting same-sex marriage.


The Tradition!
There is no solid tradition in marriage. If anything, the definition of marriage has always been mutable. From the Bible to every period in history from women being solid property to being decidedly subservient to the development of a very equal marriage and now we've finally developed enough as a society to be okay with a man marrying another man. The people claiming tradition are the same ones calling for a return to the "idyllic" lives everyone lived in the 1950's.


It's Unnatural!
If we're looking to nature for examples to forge a definition of marriage, that's kind of a wide spectrum out of which monogamy is actually out of the norm. Females with competing mates and multiple partners? Check. Homosexual relationships? Check. Bang whoever's around for procreation? Check.

What else is unnatural? Polyester, cable TV, and corrective lenses. Ironically, some of the clergy preaching about unnatural acts are the purveyors of one of the few "relationship" statuses that does NOT exist in the natural world: celibacy.


The Natural Order!
This one is similar to the one above, but generally eschews any religious backing to specifically state that marriage is a natural institution for the sole purpose of procreation. This, of course, is absurd, and would limit marriage to two members of the opposite sex who are provably fertile and potentially void every marriage after menopause or male sterility.


Fine, I'll Marry My Dog!
This is the most ignorant. This is about two consenting adults being denied a right specifically because of their sex and sexual orientation. This does not open the door to polygamy or bestiality or the normalization of pedophilia. You will never be able to marry your dog, no matter how much you enjoy the way it licks the peanut butter off your privates.


Christians will be Persecuted! / Christianity will be Illegal!
Fox News: Stahp.
Christianity is a huge majority and every version of every equal rights bill that has been introduced includes provisions for religious institutions to be exempt from a mandate to perform a marriage. Anyone you hear this from is either purposefully spreading fear or parroting someone who does.


What is not being clearly stated (or purposefully lost in the chatter) is that this is not a religious issue; it's an equal rights issue. If I need to get a marriage license, I go to the county, not a church. If I want to get married, nothing requires me to have it done by a priest; just someone the state deems qualified to sign the county-issued piece of paper. There doesn't even have to be a ceremony! As a non-denominational, licensed minister, I can meet a couple at Starbucks, sign their paper, and as soon as the Secretary of State receives it, they're officially married.

And because this is a civil institution and a civil definition of marriage, it is also a civil right. No matter how ignorant or scared or bigoted or religious a person is, every single argument against marriage being offered to two consenting adults of the same sex.

Of Bibles and Constitutions

On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at American University, was requested to testify. At the end of his testimony, Republican State Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." The room erupted into applause.

But It's MY Wine

Seriously. Don't take my wine.