Pat Robertson's Gay Boy Kiss

File this under schadenfreude.

The right wing is all abuzz about teh gayz again. Okay, fine, they never stop - one would think they had some kind of fixation on the homosexual lifestyle.

This time the youngest gay kiss on teevee EVAR has just happened, and OMG it was a kiss and it was two boys and they are 13! Good thing I didn't kiss a girl until I was 18 and consenting.


OMG, teh gayz are kissing!

The irony, the schadenfreude, comes with the origins of this kiss.

The Family Channel was founded by Pat Robertson. Yes, that Pat Robertson. He founded the channel as a Christian Broadcasting Network channel in 1977. It became the first basic cable channel to be transmitted via satellite from launch. In 1988, it incorporated the word "Family," going to The CBN Family Channel, settling on The Family Channel in 1990. In 1998, it was sold to Rupert Murdoch and FOX, with the one caveat: not keep it pure, not keep it Christian, but keep airing The 700 Club. Robertson made out like a bandit as the channel was purchased for $3.3 billion. After that, Fox Family was sold to ABC. ABC Family now regularly airs Harry Potter witchcraft marathons and, recently, a gay kid kiss.

So Pat Robertson, the man who claims natural disasters are created by the existence of homosexuality itself, turned over a solid values-programming channel for raw greed and spawned what is today the youngest gay kiss on cable television.

Hehe. Total schadenfreude.

Catholic Answers, Catholic Lies

As I've mentioned before, I enjoy spending time in the car listening to right wing and religious AM talk radio. It keeps me informed about what's happening in circles to which I don't belong, fires me up, gets me thinking, and serves as fodder for this blog.

This weekend I was in a museum looking at some illuminated texts and remembered a rather poignant piece of radio I'd dismissed from a couple weeks ago.

During this episode of Catholic Answers, they were doing a "Non-Catholic Open Forum" where they specifically ask the audience to let just Non-Catholics to call with their questions. The show is generally a doctrine-splain-o-thon with some highlights in either caller ignorance or odd interpretation, but this one was cringe-worthy, and it wasn't the caller's fault this time.

Patrick Coffin with Bishop James Conley were hosting and "Henry in Kansas" came on with this question:

Why the Church wasn't doing anything to stop the slaughter of the Native Americans over here? Because of that we lost a lot of knowledge, a lot of books, codices and all that.

(Question is doctored/paraphrased on the linked page.)

Patrick Coffin replied:

Before we change to second gear, Henry, Gutenberg invented the printing press in the 1300s and the technology of written material didn't exist in the New World, so I'm not sure what books were there to destroy - since there weren't any books.

WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK!?

Henry comes back with the very factual and calm response that Aztecs and others recorded their knowledge in pictographs and other writings and Patrick dismisses him with "I'm not sure that's true, Henry."

First off, the printing press was developed by Gutenberg about 1450.

Secondly, the words that came out of Patrick Coffin's mouth - besides the random date pick - were drivel of the most ignorant sort. Not only is there "written material" that we have records of tracing back over 5000 years, but to say that there were no books before the printing press discounts the over 1400 years of hand-written Biblical material that serve as the very basis of his religion!

Arrrrgh!

So for anyone who listens to Catholic Answers Live for clarifications on specific Church doctrine as it exists today, you should be in the clear. But if Patrick Coffin or any other apologists start making mention of history or dates or happenings outside the codification of the Bible, you might want to vet those "facts."

Jeff Foxworthy and The Lord

It was a lazy Saturday and damn it if I didn't stumble upon Jeff Foxworthy's new gig.


(click to embiggen)

I guess he just couldn't hack it with the 5th graders?

And yes, I watched some of it and, yes, it was as awkward as you can imagine.

Or maybe you can't. Here's a promo video.



I know; you're excited. They're doing re-runs now, but it's coming back for season 3 in March. Squee!

Obama Hates Jesus and Wants to End Homeschooling!

If you want the whole misleading story, feel free to visit this story, but my synopsis is probably more entertaining.

So there's this German family and they're super-duper-über-Christian and because those public schools in Germany are Christ-free zones (and teach "witchcraft and graphic sex education" - seriously, that's a quote from the article), they want to maintain full control of everything their kids see, hear, and learn. Shhh...back to your cocoon.

But Germany's all "Nein!" - which is something Hitler probably said at one point - and will be persecuted because they're Christians. What? Oh, sorry. I meant they would be prosecuted because home schooling is not recognized as a reason to keep your kids out of school. In Germany, they call that truancy. Here: freedom!, there: totally freaking illegal. Seriously, like jail, fines, and even losing your kids.

So Quotable!

“There were stories where [school children] were encouraged to ask the devil for help instead of God and actually the devil would help (in the story),” Uwe said.

“When we found out what’s in the textbooks, it’s exactly the opposite from what the Bible tells us and teaches us, and we wanted to protect [our children],” his wife Hannelore added.

So they get over here to the good ol' USA because Oh, the humanity! and a federal judge who was apparently drunk at the time looked at their request for asylum and said "Oh yeah, totally. Jeebus! 'Murica!!" That was five years ago.

Well, someone in Obama's administration decided to review some of those items and was like "WTF?" and now the case is under review. Why? Because if a family wants to home school in a foreign country and can't, just because we do it here does NOT mean they are under persecution because they can't. They live in a different country, they are not in harm's way at home, and you can't come to America and claim asylum because you don't live in America! They need to return, suck it up, review their hyperbolic bullshit, and be proper guides and parents when they're not at school.

What does that mean to right-wing Christians? Christianity is under attack! What does that mean to home-schooling parents in America? Well, nothing until the right-wing Christians declared "Imagine: Homeschooling is under attack! And ignore that 'imagine' bit!"

Oh, and don't forget that this happened not because a ruling was under review but because EVERYONE knew this was happening and was totally totally down with the happening and cool with letting the Germans hang in the US here - but then Evil Obama got wind of Unnecessary Freedom and knew it was his duty to crush both religious freedom and home schooling with a single swift blow with his giant Muslim hammer, Mjöl-jihad!

Which makes me wonder, with the answer clear in my head: What story would be hearing if this German family were Muslim? Well, we would've known five years ago, because as soon as Obama took office, Glenn Beck's goons would've picked up on it and declared "Obama Illegally Giving Sanctuary to Muslim Culture and Radical Thought!"

All I have to say to all the propaganda and bullshit machines on the right:

Jesus Christ is My Nigga

I know you're craving misguided youth outlook programs on the YouTubes. Well, here's, well ...just watch it. It's wonderfully terrible.

Cincinnati's Brian Thomas: Head-Exploding Ignorance

Our local AM morning talk show (before you get to Beck and Limbaugh and Hannity and Levin) here in Cincinnati is hosted by Brian Thomas on WKRC 550. Now, Brian is the sort of person you'd expect on a station like this: fiercely conservative spin-master of talking points of both sides while conveying an "aw, shucks" everyman reasonability.

However, this morning Brian went so far off the rails that I need to relay this tale. He had a caller this morning who didn't say much more than "Keep pointing out the socialism in the State of the Union" because she even has Christian friends who didn't think there was anything wrong with it and there are too many "stupid people."

And at this point, Brian went off on a self-described "tear." He said that Obama shouldn't be offering to help the needy or teach poor kids to read because that "is a theocracy" and by usurping good deeds, Obama - in his theocracy - is robbing Christians of the benefit they get from doing those good deeds, robbing them of the "feel good" aspect of helping others.

WTF?

Somehow Brian has missed some very basic ideas here:

• Christianity is not about fretting over your reward. If you're doing that, you're doing it wrong.
• Christianity is not about fretting over how many "feel good"s you get today. If it is, you're doing it wrong.
• Helping others in need is a good thing in any context; Christians don't own that.
• Helping others in need at a governmental level is NOT a theocracy.
• I can't buy wine on Sunday at my local UDF? That's theocratic.
• Legislating the "sanctity" of marriage? That's theocratic.
• Legislating creationism into the science classroom? That's theocratic.
• Legislating reproductive rights based not on science but a blurb in a 2000 year old book? That's theocratic.

I understand Brian is doing his best to tow the party line and turn anything Obama says - even if it were to be wonderful or beautiful or in lock-step with the Republican party - into dogmatic feces, but this morning's theocratic socialistic mind vomit was beyond the pale.

Brian: I know that 90% of listeners this morning sat back and just accepted that brief bit of babble into their subconscious mind, but if you don't mind the gibberish, you're stirring up a heaping helping of simmering mind melt out in your audience.

Abortion in the Bible: God Makes Exceptions

(Oh, the conventions have me busy and my younger cousin just got killed in a freak accident - shit's all kinda crazy. So sorry and mind the gap.)

With all last week's RNC platform bullshittery and the conservative nutterswarm going on this week - and watching these normally conservative folks I know on Facebook strike out for batshit - I'm about to swear off watching or hearing about politics until the day after the election.

But with all the far right anti-ladyparts RNC hubbub all the way to the fem-shaming of Fluke we got to see today after her rockin' speech last night, I thought it might be a good time to bring something to the surface that I just learned last week: God provides an exception for abortion if the female has been unfaithful.

No, really. Soak it in.

11 Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 12 “Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, ‘If any man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him, 13 and a man has intercourse with her and it is hidden from the eyes of her husband and she is [a]undetected, although she has defiled herself, and there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act, 14 [b]if a spirit of jealousy comes over him and he is jealous of his wife when she has defiled herself, or if a spirit of jealousy comes over him and he is jealous of his wife when she has not defiled herself, 15 the man shall then bring his wife to the priest, and shall bring as [c]an offering for her one-tenth of an [d]ephah of barley meal; he shall not pour oil on it nor put frankincense on it, for it is a grain offering of jealousy, a grain offering of memorial, a reminder of iniquity.

16 ‘Then the priest shall bring her near and have her stand before the Lord, 17 and the priest shall take holy water in an earthenware vessel; and [e]he shall take some of the dust that is on the floor of the tabernacle and put it into the water. 18 The priest shall then have the woman stand before the Lord and let the hair of the woman’s head go loose, and place the grain offering of memorial [f]in her hands, which is the grain offering of jealousy, and in the hand of the priest is to be the water of bitterness that brings a curse. 19 The priest shall have her take an oath and shall say to the woman, “If no man has lain with you and if you have not gone astray into uncleanness, being under the authority of your husband, be [g]immune to this water of bitterness that brings a curse; 20 if you, however, have gone astray, being under the authority of your husband, and if you have defiled yourself and a man other than your husband has had intercourse with you” 21 (then the priest shall have the woman swear with the oath of the curse, and the priest shall say to the woman), “the Lord make you a curse and an oath among your people by the Lord’s making your thigh [h]waste away and your abdomen swell; 22 and this water that brings a curse shall go into your [i]stomach, and make your abdomen swell and your thigh [j]waste away.” And the woman shall say, “Amen. Amen.”

23 ‘The priest shall then write these curses on a scroll, and he shall [k]wash them off into the water of bitterness. 24 Then he shall make the woman drink the water of bitterness that brings a curse, so that the water which brings a curse will go into her [l]and cause bitterness. 25 The priest shall take the grain offering of jealousy from the woman’s hand, and he shall wave the grain offering before the Lord and bring it to the altar; 26 and the priest shall take a handful of the grain offering as its memorial offering and offer it up in smoke on the altar, and afterward he shall make the woman drink the water. 27 When he has made her drink the water, then it shall come about, if she has defiled herself and has been unfaithful to her husband, that the water which brings a curse will go into her [m]and cause bitterness, and her abdomen will swell and her thigh will [n]waste away, and the woman will become a curse among her people. 28 But if the woman has not defiled herself and is clean, she will then be free and conceive [o]children.

WTF? I don't know. Maybe you guys have a little better insight than I do? Any is welcome.

Jesus Had a Dinosaur

Pat Robertson: Make it Stop

The latest stupid from Pat Robertson? Alzheimer's is grounds for divorce.



Yeah, sanctity of marriage and all that.

Pat Robertson is an Ignorant Moron

What does Pat Roberston say in light of NY's awesome legalization of gay marriage?



Pat is a poor, ignorant fool.

The actual reason God destroyed the original Twin Cities was because of the worst of the social sins at that time: failure of hospitality.

SO please, Pat. Burn your stupid and hope you can still function. Otherwise, just go away.

Right Wing Logic: Nuh-uuuuuuh!

I heard some conservative asshat on Hannity yesterday arguing that we killed bin Laden and now we have to hunt down every single person in the world who threatens the USA and do the same to them. The liberal (rational) counter argument was that killing one spawns another and another and another kill order to an absurd degree. She was labeled crazy by both the conservative woman and Hannity.

Reminded me of a conversation I had while riding in the car with my parents as a child, though the exact context escapes me. It went something like this:

ME: Well, what if I want the cookie?
MOM: You can't have it.
ME: Maybe I'll just take it.
MOM: Maybe we'll call the police.
ME: Then I'll beat up the police.
MOM: They'll send more police.
ME: I'll beat them up too.
MOM: Then they'll send police from other states.
ME: Beat 'em up.
MOM: Then they'll send the army.
ME: And I'll beat 'em up. I'll beat up the whole world.
MOM: Then they'll call God and you'll go to hell.
ME: Okay. Nevermind.

At a VERY remedial level, how does a self-proclaimed Christian who readily demonizes an entire religion based on a couple radicals justify their own Christianity while calling for the normalized assassination of all enemies of America? Um, if she was in any other country she'd be on our terrorist watch list.

Ah, That Old God & Gays Argument...

Oh, hells yeah. Could someone put this right-headed thought and concern upon every politician in America? (God? I'm lookin' at you! Shit. That's just the bathroom mirror.)



Representative Steve Simon (DFL Hopkins/St. Louis Park) says a proposed Minnesota constitutional amendment is largely about religion. He says if sexual orientation is innate as science is showing us, and not a lifestyle choice, then God created gay people. He asks how many gay people must God create before we accept that he wants them around.

Jesus Babies: The Real Conservative Crusade

You've heard conservatives lament the horror of Anchor Babies: children born on American soil, making them American citizens, to the parents of illegal immigrants. It's the theme, purpose, and strategy of the immigrants and it must be stopped!

You may have also heard the paranoid rantings of some elected officials blathering on about Terror Babies. These are the Taliban counterparts to their Hispanic compatriots and should completely scare the crap out of us because, um, terrorists, duh!

(Your mission: draw cute, cartoon-y versions of stereotypical illegal immigrants and terrorists - as babies. Awwww...watcha watcha intafada taco? Brrth?)

But the real point of this post is that the sometime raving and ranting on the right over the Anchor and Terror Babies betrays the real reason for their perplexing focus of women's health care and Planned Parenthood: Jesus Babies.

It's the same reason (in my opinion) Christianity and other religions encoded into their doctrines the need to consummate a marriage and avoid birth control: more babies means more Christians. Some estimates have white people as a minority in the USA by 2042, and that scares the shit out of the rich, white right wing. More babies, more Whites, more babies, more Christians.

And yet they're wrong again. The growing secular population in America paired with the growing liberal - moving forward - crowd will actually mean less Christians, less 100% white people. It will mean more abortions - legal or not - and more deaths and more illness and more orphaned children.

In their heads, the brown people are winning the population race. And they don't know what to do about it. So? Apply Christian doctrine to law!

This is just me, but:

"Liberals look back at the last 50 years, figure we've done pretty well moving forward in the rights of women and minorities, but know there's much yet to do. Conservatives look back 50 years and are horrified that it still doesn't look like that now."

-Ricky Shambles


Sorry conservatives, but "Where's Mammy with my mint julep?" is never coming back.

O'Reilly's Prince of Peace of Tides

Did you guys catch this one?



About 1:50 Bill O'Reilly washes up on the beach when he equates the tides to an unexplainable mystery of God. (Note: tidal forces are caused by the moon. It's science!)

At 2:40, world-traveled man of mystery has "never" seen a Christian sign on the side of the road referring to hell. Damn, you think he'd see one even if he never ventured outside of Fox studios.



Here's just one example, Bill-O. You can find this one in a field on the eastern side of I-71 between Columbus and Cincinnati (travelling north it displays the 10 commandments).

And that concludes today's lesson. Now drop to your knees and pray to the invisible man in the sky.

Fags Killed the Birds

Seriously. Didn't you know?

New Old ...What?

This elf appears ready to spread a little more than holiday cheer.


In the song "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" the last lines are

Everyone's dancing merrily
In a new old fashioned way

What is the "new old fashioned way" and why does that phrase grate on my soul to the point of not just ruining what is a pretty festive and enjoyable ditty but sours my outlook for hours?

"Real Christians" Make Jesus Spew Hate

I was reading a great piece over at Right Wing Watch talking about how a coalition of "Real Christians" are speaking out to say that bullying is very, very wrong - but homosexuality is worse!

A chunk of their Mandate of Crazy states:

Authentic Christians will remember several key concepts from Scripture:

1. Homosexual behavior is always a sin, God's plan for sexuality is male/female marriage, and God has not changed His mind about this (Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22; Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 1:24-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

2. Jesus described marriage as the union of one man and one woman, and that humans were created male and female "from the beginning." Gender change is a defiant and ungrateful sin against God's direction and design (Matthew 19:4-6)

Yes! Authentic Christians unite ...to LIE about the Bible. You'll note that both #1 and #2 have one thing in common: Matthew 19:4-6 They're claiming that Jesus specifically states that marriage is only to be between a man and a woman. Wait a second, I don't remember Jesus talking about homosexuality - evar! Well, let's just see what Jesus says.

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Holy shit, that kinda sounds like they said it does, that Jesus is all about one man, one woman. Hold on a second. That last word, "separate," seems a little strange. Maybe it'll make more sense if we read more than 3 verses out of context.

Matthew 19

Divorce

[1]When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. [2]Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
[3]Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

[4]"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' [5]and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? [6]So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

So in a spat of double irony, Jesus, a man known only for peace, love, and acceptance, is having his words twisted to justify violence, hate, and exclusion. They achieve this by using a quote about divorce - something Jesus obviously had an opinion on but always gets glossed over because Christians accept divorce occasionally - to condemn homosexuality - something Jesus never mentioned but gets a lot of flack from Christians because it's icky.

I guess only an Authentic Christian is allowed the luxury of twisting God's written word to further man-made societal constructs.

[Note on Leviticus: Christians - STOP using it to knock homosexuality. Yes, it says man + man = abomination. But in Leviticus 18:18 says the same thing about wearing clothing woven of two different fabrics. So if you're using that as your justification, wearing a cotton/rayon blend is the same as homosexual sex.]

Pro-Life Protest Particularly Apropos

Awwwshitt. You know what's gonna happen tomorrow? This is! W00t!

Tens of thousands of pro-life students in high schools, middle schools and colleges and universities across the country will take a vow of silence tomorrow. They will refuse to speak to their friends and teachers because they are representing the voices of millions of unborn children killed in abortions.

Hell, I'd go just for the free red tape.

No, hold on a minute. There's something serious happening here, happening tomorrow, happening all across the country, and it is making a somewhat redundant but wholly unified and powerful statement: Religious conservatives do not, nor will they ever truly understand the very basics of symbolism.

Allow me to explain to the dim: You're putting a piece of red tape over your mouth, preventing you from speaking, and writing LIFE on it. You're already into the realm of sex and babies so let's take that red and us it as an allusion of sin and shame like lovely Hester Pryne. And then let's seal it with LIFE.

You kinda look like you're on the other side.

A woman walking around with red tape labeled LIFE over her mouth in a protest situation says to me: The outside-imposed sin, the religion-into-policy, the government-up-in-your lady parts is trying to alter the laws in this country, and is charging towards a religion-based, a Sharia law all of it's fucking own, where a woman has NO say over her own body and must have that child despite choice, despite rape, despite incest. Her voice is no more.

And you'd better keep an ear out on birth control because the nutters pushing this bullshit don't wantcha fucking with a condom either because their image of a perfect world is every family in the US of Jesus as devout Christians breedin' like the Duggars until we burst our seams to all of North America of the Bible and ship the QEIII over full of damn kids to march on the Holy Land and kick them Palestinians out like worked with that Childrens' Crusade! Oh, wait...

Anyway, one more notch in the "Conservatives don't understand" belt: Humor, Technology, and ~*NEW*~ Symbolism.

Beckatopia: The Stupid on Saturday

I was tuned in to Glenn Beck's masturbatory mess on Saturday morning, once I was able to discern that it was only being fully covered by C-SPAN.

(NOTE: If you'd like to watch it in its 3-hour entirety for free, hit C-SPAN. Glenn is using his radio program to shuck his paid, premium service just to hear the damn thing. So much for being about the people.)

The first fifteen minutes began with Glenn talking about Manifest Destiny, Divine Providence, and carting out:

• A man, pastor, apparently direct descendant of the pilgrims who landed on Plymouth Rock
• A man and woman, apparently direct descendants of the Native Americans who greeted those pilgrims on our eastern shores.
• A Jew.

So the pastor was clad in modern garb, you know: like a suit. And the Native Americans were dressed like Disney's "Pocahontas." And the Rabbi? Suit and all, but why was he there?

So the Christian got the mic first and started wailing into it about the "One True God" of Jesus Christ.

I had to change the channel. Why this fable of the Thanksgiving story? How'd they get these Native Americans to do the Indian Uncle Tom costume getup for a rally where most of the assholes in the audience think Mexicans are foreigners? Why the Jewish guy? Why the screaming of the Christian to immediately ostracize any form of unification, including Glenn's Mormonism? Where was the representation of the Chinese, Vikings, and Philippine visitors to the USA who were here before Columbus and the pilgrims?

But you know I had to go back; I like punishment like that.

So I went back to hear Glenn pontificate and worship himself, Sarah Palin blabber incoherently, and listen to the token African Americans appear as Glenn himself hijacked MLK Jr.'s Dream Day while saying he wasn't hijacking it while playing film and quoting MLK Jr. and forgetting repeatedly to use the "Jr." to discuss him.

And you know he talks to God. You may have heard the jokes, but Glenn admittedly, specifically, speaks to God. I'm guessing it's the Mormon God passing himself off as the Christian God, but hey, that's just me. He talked about Moses and the Burning Bush, saying this event was everyone's burning bush moment, to get back to God.

And Glenn reinvented uselessness on Saturday by talking about the original Purple Heart medals, how they stood for merit, and then inventing his own medals for those pictures of the Founding Fathers that God had him paint: Faith, Hope, and Charity. And Hope went to a Dominican Republic baseball player Albert Pujols because immigrants are OK when they can play ball and even start charities.

Wait a second, what would happen if an Iranian moved here and started a charity? Holy shit!

Eventually, Mrs. Shambles cut me off about noon because it was getting too tiresome. Too horrid. Too terrifying.


FOLLOW-UP:

Reports from the rally range the attendees from 80,000 to 600,000. That was the serious report from CNN on Monday.

Glenn Beck, on Monday, in an apparent bid to knock down claims that he's a fear-mongering media whore, said that Saturday's true message was to "Get behind the 'Shield of God'" because it's time to say bye-bye to the world as we know it; the end is a-comin'. He again fake cried.

Right wing nutters all over in the last 2 days have used a very brief mention of Beck's rally with no conformable numbers to declare how "amazed" they are, that they've never seen organization of conservatives like this, etc., etc., etc.

The sad truth, conservatives, is that this was not you. It was the Tea Party. And you and them are not the same, except in perhaps a shared hatred towards minorities and immigrants. But that's another post.


SO - while you do a great spin on Mormon O'Beckerson's Scattershot Akimbo Vague Religion Rally, you have already lost. See you in November.

Christian Tool

And I don't mean Tool like the band.




I prefer the Marilyn Manson Mashup: