Fantastic Four Trailer

Fantastic Four trailer. The movie has been poo-poo'd, but looks pretty damn good. The last one stunk. What do you think?

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens - Trailer #2

End of this trailer I wept like a little girl. I have never felt so much joy and excitement for a movie in my life.



Enjoy! (and full-screen that video ferchrissakes!)

Everything You Need to Know About "American Sniper"

I saw American Sniper this weekend. This is a quagmire wrapped in a clusterfuck, cream-filled with a shitstorm of feels, mostly because people can't separate the different aspects of the conversation. Some include: Rogen's comments, Moore's comments, accuracy of the film, quality of the film, themes of the film, Kyle's hyperbole, legitimacy of critiquing a veteran, and legitimacy of the Iraq war.

Unfortunately, most critic detractors pack it all into a lazy box of stupid and say things like "no liberal can claim to support the military" or "LOL Moore's crew are all fat tards" or "you are an idiot traitor of America!" (Things I've read online in the last three days.)

So let's break this all down and make sure we understand the differences between the pieces parts.


American Sniper as a Movie

SPOILERS!

American Sniper was a little short on development. I think Clint Eastwood got a little too ambitious in trying to cram all that graham and still have room for the honey. The husband-wife relationship was rushed. We never see real development in their pairing beyond what we might have seen in a flashback. The inter-war bits of their lives were almost filler as we watched him go from tour to tour.

The war bits were more vivid, more fleshed out, but still rushed. We saw tough choices, partial relationships, and even a moment with Kyle's brother that showed war as disheartening.

And when he came home, Kyle's regeneration was pinned down to a couple scenes. Then he was happy. Then he died.


Sloppy Filmmaking

Aside from the stuffing mentioned above, there are a couple sloppy mentions:

After tour three, Kyle's wife says "If you go back, we won't be here when you return." HUGE words. But a hug and it's all good and he's off?

The Butcher and the Sniper: Tour two and three were based on finding "The Butcher" so they could find the "bad" sniper. Fail both time. But then four was the money shot on the sniper and The Butcher was ...where? Nothing.

Ring switch: Kyle wore 3 different wedding rings throughout the movie: a small silver one right after his wedding, a small gold one during his service, and a large silver one after discharge. Why?

Fucking fake baby. Really? For a blockbuster movie? Producers noted Baby #1 had a fever and #2 didn't show. You're Hollywood. Only two babies in Hollywood? No, Cooper gets no props for acting with a plastic baby; Eastwood gets shit on for putting him in that position. WTF?

Texas: In this scene, we're moving to Texas. Not really mentioned where we lived when not at war before, but now we're in Texas because ...that's where Kyle dies?

Final scene: A SEAL sniper who is a complete expert on the use of firearms walks through the living room with what very much looks like a real revolver. He shushes the kids and walks into the kitchen where he not only points the gun at his wife but cocks it. In play. This is either stupid or a commentary on how socilization of veterans makes them forget everything; either way, it's wrong. And then they focus on him putting the cocked gun on the cabinet. Chekhov's Gun, anyone?


Themes in the Film

America protects freedom. Patriots protect freedom. War can be misdirected. War can tear families apart. War can ruin families. Patriots can crash. War hurts people. America is great. Recovery is difficult. War makes PTSD. We need to help ALL our veterans. Hero is a word. Hero is forever.


Kyle's Hyperbole

This doesn't really hit the movie (other than it's based on the book he wrote), but Chris Kyle is a known a proven fabulist. That means he lied and made up stories. Take it for what you will.


Rogen's Comments

Seth Rogen said American Sniper kind of reminds me of the movie that's showing in the third act of Inglorious Basterds. Rogen was making a goofy comment about how American Sniper was ...idunno... a little hyperbolic? A little hero worship?

Ignore everything anyone says about how it was like a Nazi Propaganda film. That's ignorant talking point bullshit. They probably never saw the movie, let alone the movie in the movie. Here it is:



So Rogen jokingly said this Hollywood movie about a real person was a little "kill all the bad guys" like the movie-in-movie he's referencing. Funny. But why is that bad or crazy? How was it not in jest? Conservatives =/= humor.


Moore's Comments

Michael Moore tweeted My uncle killed by sniper in WW2. We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren't heroes. And invaders r worse.

Moore's own uncle was killed by a sniper. His family (and probably fam military friends) put that in his head. He said it. And in return, I've heard nothing about how his family suffered or how his uncle was a hero. Instead, we get jokes about how fat he is and is stupid.

Way to honor a fallen soldier, military folks. If you attack his retelling and/or his weight, you know nothing of honor. But enjoy you LOLz.


Eastwood

Maybe: Eastwood saw this as a modern day western, a tale of guns. He didn't give a shit about the real life. The Kyle backstory was chattel to give him a baby. The man in almost-white is hunting the man in perpetual black. The parity moment is when the man in black picks up the phone to leave his apparent wife with the baby. They are the same. If Kyle were born in Syria, he very well could have been his own nemesis. Khaki and black, good and bad, the long con, the long war, with long guns, and the long shot that ended it. Swing a bunch of American flags at the end and beg for an Oscar.

The man spoke to a chair for over ten minutes. Why is that weird?

Nah, speculation ended: Eastwood came out and called the movie anit-war.


Fin

I think snipers are necessary ...but I shouldn't have to agree to that to defend my personal patriotism. I don't think the movie was bad because it was about Chris Kyle. I think that movie was average because of how it was made. I know (proven by a court of law) that Chris Kyle made up stories. Mentioning that does not make me a terrorist or communist. Criticizing what people do in the name of questionable war does not make them against the people who have to fight that war.

There is a difference between respecting the troops and respecting the war. Too many people don't get that. And the war hero and war worship that comes from simple minds who like little boxes is disrespecting every man and woman who put their lives on the line for this bullshit.

Any questions?

Honest Trailers: World War Z

Spoilers if you haven't seen it. Hilarious either way. And too, too true.

Thor Rides a Wiener Dog

(click for bigger)

Title delivers. Did this on lunch. Happy Friday :)

(Source:
Thor: I need a horse!
Pet Store Clerk: We only have dogs, cats, and birds.
Thor: Well give me one big enough to ride.)

Holy Heroin Macaulay Culkin!

A horrifying heroin habit, apparently. So nothing to do but point out the obvious.

Friday Videos: Pee Wee, Oz, Slinky, Pee Wee?

Pee Wee Herman voices the new Dark Night trailer.




Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. Winner or flop?




Not new, but one I just remembered: Slinky on a treadmill




And, well, British game shows are just weird :)




Have a great weekend!

Vibrator Movie Trailer

Don't mean to be all trailer-happy, promise something weightier later, but I found this trailer for a forthcoming movie (already out in LA & NY) Hysteria about the invention of the vibrator. Looks great!

God Bless America: Trailer

Must see this.

Walt Disney's Taxi Driver

Religious Freedom: Princess Bride

One of the more clever bits of meme I've seen passed around Facebook:

Meat Causes Cancer

I just watched the documentary Forks Over Knives that discusses in detail the evidence that the myth that we need to over-protein-ate (and, of course, processed sugar and bleached flour, and processed food in general) is killing us with cancer and explores clinical evidence that an entirely plant-based diet can actually reverse certain types of cancer. Trailer below:



My practical take-away was not that I'll go vegan and be healthy forever, but that I have WAY too much meat in my diet. Give it a look - it changed the way I think about food, even if just a little.

Cafe Press: That's No Moon

So I opened a CafePress account finally because I'm fun and create some cool images that people might like on shirts and stuff.

This was actually brought on by finding an image online in reference to a story about Earth's moon. The appropriate response to any reference to the moon is the Obi-Wan quote from Episode IV: "That's no moon."



So I stumbled upon a mediocre Photoshop of René Magritte's "Ceci n'est pas une pipe"



But the 'shop was all wrong: the top of the Death Star was cut off and - *gasp* - it used an image of the Death-Star-in-construction, which only existed AFTER it was destroyed, which was after Episode IV. So I did this:



And now you can buy that on a t-shirt.

(CafePress killed it on an undisclosed copyright thing.)

Yay nerds!

Maybe There's an Opening for a Chimney Sweep?

Republicans are full of fuckery. They took a normal, expected, non-fanfare issue - raising the debt ceiling - and owned it and lied to America and whined and pissed and moaned and lied and got many ignorant Americans to back them.

So what if America is being downgraded and there are STILL no jobs? Let's do a sing-along!

Angry Hobos Unite!

Looking at DVD releases that came out this weekend, I saw this:


Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo buys a gun and goes on vigilante mission. (Rutger Hauer, Gregory Smith, Brian Downey)


Hahaha! Rutger Hauer's a hobo! Really, though, who says "hobo" anymore? Though I guess "Homeless Guy with a Shotgun" or "Transient with a Shotgun" doesn't have the zip that "Hobo" does.

Wait, how did the hobo earn the money? Can you beg enough to feed yourself and your alcohol addiction and your occasional weed habit AND regularly tuck enough away to purchase a firearm? Does a background check bypass not having a residence? Does "Shitty maroon traincar with dick spraypainted on the outside in white" count?

Shit.

Now I'm going to have to see this.

Mmm... Chewy

I was over at Cal's place and he was talking about Chewbacca - as one is wont to do - and he suggested a new Star Wars film which made me suggest "Wookie Nights" which turned into remaking movies with wookies.

I'm feeling an execution of about 8/10, but I'm pretty sure it's not as funny as it was in my head. Feedback is always appreciated!

Some Vampire Movie or Something

What if the picture above triggered no recognition in your brain, no social relevance, no movie connection, no thoughts of the scree of a tween clawing at your eardrums?

Over heard this week:

GAL: What's your granddaughter's name again?

GUY: Bella.

GAL: Oh, yeah. So pretty.

GUY: Yeah, I guess someone asked [my son] if they named her after, I guess there's some vampire movie or something.

GAL: Oh. Really? Hrm.

GUY: But [my son] just likes the name Isabella.

GAL: I don't know, I never heard of that.

GUY: Me neither. I'm not really a movie person.

GAL: Not unless it's free.

*they laugh*

My first reaction, after picking my jaw up off the floor, was OMFG! How can you not know Twilight? How can you be so much not a movie person that you're completely unaware of one of the biggest movie and literary sensations in years? Do you not read books either?

Is it even possible to be unaware of something that is so completely ubiquitous? This happened in a "work" environment, so the people in question leave the house every day. With billboards and posters and radio and television and conversations with people who know someone who read the book or saw the movie, you never heard about Twilight?

Then I stepped back and monitored my own reaction. This doesn't make these people any less people, but am I a media snob for reacting like that? I don't think I come across as "OMG I know everything about everything," even in my private thoughts.

So what are your thoughts? About the interaction and my reaction. I'd love to hear what other people think.

Who do you think? The Libyans!

The true speed of Libyan democracy?



88mph

Piano (Sand) Bar

So there's a piano on a sandbar in Miami. No one knows how it got there. (via Gawker).

I'm not too concerned as long as we don't have to see Harvey Keitel's penis.

A Weekend of (not so good) Movies

I've been rocking some funeral action the past couple days (Mrs. Shambles' grandma), so I haven't been around so much. But before all the craziness began I had a slow weekend of movies, movies, movies. Here's a list, lite reviews, no real spoilers.

Let's imagine a baseline x-axis line representing time and the y-axis at zero to mark indifference where anything above is pleasurable and below is poop. How about a crappy image to better explain it:



So averaging the basic feel of the movie over time, we can come up with a high of 5, low of -5. Let's get going!

Hereafter



Theatre time! Yay: popcorn, pop, stadium seating! And a mediocre movie. The acting was fine, the directing worked well, special effects in the beginning were solid, but the pace sucked the life out of me. We went with my parents and my mother at one point let out a honking blurt of a snore, probably seconds before I would've. Dragging is an understatement. I would've wanted to punch Matt Damon and Clint Eastwood in the dick after the movie, but my eyes were half closed and I just wanted to sleep. The only redeeming portion? You're looking at her above: Bryce Dallas Howard. For all of 20 minutes :(

I'll give it a 0.75 - not much negative, but a whole lot of zero.


MacGruber



One of my friends turned off this movie after 20 minutes, referring to it as a diaper bag. I decided it was my personal mission to make it through - with force if necessary - the entire movie. And honestly, the first 20 minutes were pretty good compared to the rest of it.

2 mildly tolerable items: The scene in the coffee shop in the preview where the woman is screaming and everyone thinks she's crazy? Funniest. Term "Upper Decker" - taking a dump in the tank of the toilet instead of the bowl. Humorous. The rest of the movie was deplorable from the writing to the humor to the acting to the concept that it is supposed to be a parody. I would've been angry but the movie sucked my will to live with its redemption-less badness.

-3, and probably only that high because I was drinking beer.


Jonah Hex



Comic book adaptation - if you like that Wild Wild West kinda thing, it's for you. Mostly action, short on story, alternate history science fiction fun! It's got Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, and not nearly enough Megan Fox. Gadgets, 'splosions, and a couple laughs. One of those "enjoy it for what it is" movies. Please don't look for answers to great mysteries; you will be disappointed.

2.25 as none of it was painful and I have a soft spot for comics, sci-fi, and special effects.


The Ruins

Spring break kids find an old ruin with bad plants. There's really nothing more to the story except watching them die.

1.0 for an interesting concept and the kid from the Black Donnelleys.


The Happening



Yeah, more on the plants. M. Night Shyamalan did this one. What a twist! End of the world...but for what? Yay Zooey, yay special effects, mild boo to the working of an atmosphere of fear.

1.25 for no solid negative and it didn't totally suck. Worth an hour+ of your life, but for god's sake don't buy it - borrow or steal.