Monday, April 30, 2007

Christ on a Bun! Christ on the Battlefield!

Over at the fabulous Princess Sparklepony's Photo Blog, I saw this lovely with the comment that it hadn't been commented on (h/t, BFF?). A semi-orderly analysis follows.

For shame:

Combat Jesus

Let's get all analytical on the Lord, crown to boot.

The Lord of...?
Who uses this representation to imagine or dwell on Christ? Granted, the entire site,, is absurd (really, go there, see all the Jesi, then cry), but Jesus armed like some bad Kirk Cameron remake of the Matrix?

JESUS: I'm the Lord.
GUARD: Lord of what?
JESUS: Lord of y'all.
[His robes fall open to reveal a rifle. JESUS drops the dove, raises the gun, pops COMMIES (1-7) in the head, guts OSAMA BIN LADEN, and dives, sliding on the tile floor of one of Saddam's palaces, just in time to catch the dove.]
JESUS: Yippie Kai-yay, God-haters. I am peace.

This isn't what Jesus was about.

Some quotes from Jesus:
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
- Matthew 5:7,9

If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.
- John 8:7

Love your neighbor as yourself.
- Mark 12:31
This is what Jesus was about.

The look, the feel, of Jesus, the Fabric of our lives.
  • What was the sculptor thinking? This guy looks like Tommy Chong after a weekend and a QP! "Peace, man. Though I'm holding a dove, I'm not happy about it because Jenny ganked my last two pinners and I totally thought I had a bag of Cheetos but Billy must've mowed it. Wanna get high? I gotta crown. We could use it to buy a bag. Um, dude, I think the dove just shit in my hand."Jesus Chong
    (Tommy looks way more with it than the Lord.)

  • Hinted in the last point, this Jesus looks sad, like he's riddled with clinical depression or PTSD or both or on medication for one or the other. Why is Jesus sad? This may be the only bit of truth in this sorry exhibition; This is where the sculptor was "touched" by God, and made Jesus sad. Sad because of the truth of the situation: he wasn't a violent fighter, a soldier. And maybe Jesus didn't want anyone to think otherwise.

  • He has a gun. Appropriate quote (Full Metal Jacket): "Yea, though I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for I am the baddest motherfucker in the valley."

  • Plastic crown of thorns, rubber dove, and bathrobe: Wal Mart, $23. Wasting Muslims lookin' like JC? Priceless.

  • Hey, shoot that Arab! He stole a US Uniform!

  • Combat Jesus makes Baby Jesus cry. But when Combat Jesus moves to comfort baby Jesus - BLAMMO! Damn. Those insurgents'll IED anything.
The Lord of...
Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, John Hagee, Ted "Dick'n'Meth" Haggard, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and George W. Bush. This is the kind of Lord they can look up to, this is the kind of Lord they seek approval from. A large chunk of our country believes in this Arm for Peace mentality with the mental backup that Christ is there to allow us to kill the millions of people who don't believe in Him.

The Message
The underlying message of this figurine is not "Gilded thorn crown will get you free dove if you are visibly armed. Lucky Numbers: 2, 15, 16, 25, 33, 39." It is "We can have peace and Jesus, as soon as we kill every single non-believer out there. Only then, only then..."

This makes me sadder than Combat Jesus.


Jennyfur said...

I think there is something wonderfully appropriate and perhaps ironic in the depiction of "Homeless Jesus." As if the sculptor accidentally DID tap into some divine inspiration and unwittingly portrayed the Jesus of Peace and Love (etc.) and His current position in American society. He's been laid off and shat upon by the Man.. aka the Jesus of Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and crew. Sad sad sad... but funny too! I mean, especially when juxtaposed with surfing Jesus, my personal favorite.

Anonymous said...

Jesus, he was just this guy you know ...
If the J dude ever existed (actually there seem to have been several similar figures at same place areound that time) then he is most likeky far removed from whatever depiction.
I have never got it personally, the whole christian concept, god created man, was unhappy about him and was going to wipe him out but his son made him kill him instead, WTF!