McCain Obama Futzfest, a.k.a. The Debate

I have already posted this at All Things Democrat, but it was so delicious, I had to post it here too. Please visit ATD and add your own wonderful feelings about, well, everything.

Here we go:

• At the start, you could tell McCain was trying so damn hard to look at Obama, but succeeded only in mildly twitching while glancing at his chin and blinking like it was breathing. No MIB reference here. Seriously.


• McCain's grip on the pen in the beginning was for dear life, succeeding in an apparent homage to Bob Dole.


• Yes, John, Ireland only has 11% income tax, but they also have what's called a Value Added Tax or VAT, that shimmies just North of 20%, and added into the cost of the purchase of almost all goods. I swear he's getting his economic talking points from the cardboard side of a Happy Meal Box.


• McCain has a close tie to Palin's minister's hunted witch in Kenya, because his plan is to magically increase home values while keeping people who seriously can't afford them in them. No, no, no. Do not ask how.


• McCain's "If you wanted to run against Bush..." moment: Awwww! No you din'n, oh no you din'n! Obama, you jus got served!


• Obama's reply: Sorry - I get Bush all confused wit his Toadie up in here. Damn.


• Obama on McCain's claim on Obama's tax plan: "even Fox news disputes it." Cue the McCain O face. Wha-what?


• Obama referenced a "vigorous debate like we're having tonight." Was he watching the same snoozer I was? The only thing keeping me awake was the residual meth McCain smoked before going on stage.


• Obama takes issue with people yelling "Kill him!" and McCain retorts that he greatly respects his supporters. Ooh...sna...p?


• In particular, I would like to hear more about the t-shirt that John McCain finds so offensive. Really, I do.


• And he wasn't going to do it - you could tell. Hesitation galore. Then McCain pulled that nervous, knot-in-the-stomach, I've got to ask out my Jr. High sweetheart or they'll all make fun of me energy out of his pristine bowels and whipped out his Ayers and ACORNs.


• Obama promptly cut them off, successfully nailing the issues, dead, to the floor for anyone who isn't a right wing nut job still suckling the Hannity/Limbaugh teat.


• Obama went all subtly presumptive on us, talking about the connections and people who "will surround me in the White House." I kinda liked it.


• Did McCain just call Palin a "bresh of flesh air?" That's kinda sexy in an old man / MILF low-budget internet porno kind of way. Wait. No. It's not.


• McCain: "Iraq is united."
  Ricky: What planet does he live on?
  Mrs. Shambles: He lives on Planet Goiter.


• McCain, unprompted, shouted "Climate change!" and after the question was asked, discussed Obama's unilateral renegotiation of NAFTA with Canada. I'm like a chocoholic but with politics (and booze), but this one: WTF?


• Love aside for a moment, Obama has gotten much better at knocking out the "um"s but still has this mental work pause going on sometimes, where you move with the flow and (pause, hold your breath) there it is and pause again and okay. He'll have 8 years to work on it, I guess.


• Dear John: don't push the "drill now" line when oil closed just over $70 a barrel because even at lowered prices no one can afford the sh*t.


• McCain to Obama on south of the border: "Maybe you oughta travel down there." Dick.


• McCain should've known better from back in the day when Giuliani was openly laughing at Ron Paul: all mics all the time. At least twice there was an impromptu, minor disruption of Obama's voice by some sort of Snuffleupagus half-snore, an attempt to clean out something obviously old and clogged and - dude, gross!


• This wasn't necessarily related directly to the debate, but I love how conservatives are simultaneously shouting "Buy American" and touting that WalMart is the pinnacle of capitalism. Palin creating a(n obviously staged) hullabaloo buying diapers from China does not bode well for America or American jobs.


• After seeing McCain's stiff thumbs repeatedly, noting McCain was a POW and saying a little prayer for his family, Mrs. Shambles noted "You know Cindy loves his thumb."


• I liked how Obama kept talking into the camera, talking to the people. That was nice.


• I didn't like how when McCain attempted to talk into the camera, his gaze was shifty and he didn't stick with it. I'm glad Little Shambles wasn't up; she would've had nightmares.


• Leave Britney - I mean: leave Joe the Plumber ALONE!


• McCain: How much you gonna charge Joe the plumber, heh, heh?
  Obama: Fee is zero.
  Cue second McCain O face, frantic scribbling: Beat Shmooby's ASS for not saying anything.


• I made up Shmooby.


• McCain: "except for those people who have the gold-plated Cadillac insurance policies that have to do with cosmetic surgery and transplants and all of those kinds of things." Gold? Cadillac? I do believe we're race-baiting again. Again.


• Paraphrase of McCain's response to a SCOTUS litmus test: I would not impose any litmus test, but do not believe anyone qualified would agree with Roe vs. Wade. Perhaps he hasn't gotten to McDonald's this week to get the Established Law Happy Meal.


• McCain, for the first time I've ever heard, proposed "Troops to Teachers." Really? Bring someone from a war theatre and plant them in the classroom, uncertified? Aren't we discussing the hard-line qualifications that teachers must meet?


• Note for both candidates: Neither one of you f*c*ers has ever been a teacher. Bad teachers can be fixed if they want it. Why? Bad teachers aren't bad teachers on purpose (although I suspect some may have gotten lazy and some people are just retarded). In NC, you get into the biz at $25K a year and dump about 10% of that back into your students, 7% into a mandatory state retirement plan. Add extra college classes, conferences, continuing education, National Board Certification. Nobody gets into teaching because of the money, but because they believe they can help the future of America. So it's the teachers and the military: Help change the future and get paid sh*t. I'm sure I'm missing a few vocations - replies welcome. Okay, I'm done.


• John McCain referenced Autism twice when talking about Sarah Palin's son, Trig. Was he afraid to say the word "retarded" or "handicapped?"


• In closing, McCain said to Barack "Good to be with you...again." Can you not even say his name? Was "you negro" lingering in your brain so strongly that you couldn't continue the sentence? Might as well have reprised "That One."


• Post-Coitus: McCain's "blah" moment in trying to journey to the other side of the table. This was my favorite moment of the debate and reminded me of that one relative at a family reunion - let's call him Uncle John - who is always just a dick. Then one day, either by Aunt Cindy's nagging or a spontaneous, genuine effort to not be a dick, Uncle John shows up and he's smiling, and he chuckles, and he even sticks out his tongue in this goofy show of exasperation. But something's off. He twitches a little. See, Uncle John has spent so much of his life being a dick that when he tries to to be genuinely good-natured, it just comes across as a socially awkward, fabricated facade that, ultimately, only serves to amplify the fact that Uncle John will never be anything but a dick.