I'm Not Dead; I Was Just in LA

Been a while, huh? Oh, sure, I've always been erratic (I said erratic!), skipping 2 or 3 days here and there, posting 4 times in one day occasionally, but never for so long before.



Well, I was in Los Angeles visiting my brother, working some business leads on the West Coast. Yeah, I know being in LA and being dead and being in hell can all be synonymous, but I had a great time there. 9 days, and here's some thoughts, reflections, and events.

• There are douchebags and kind souls everywhere, just in different densities. Never forget that.


• Palm trees and mountain views near the ocean, however, are not everywhere. I could probably live there.


• I walked 2 feet from a bum slumped-over forwards at a crowded bus stop one morning. 30 minutes later I saw a fire truck and ambulance; the medics pulled him onto the stretcher. He did not move and his neck and shoulders were stuck "slumped" straight up, refusing to fall to the pillow, as they wheeled him into the ambulance.


• 30 minutes later another fire truck, police cars, etc. passed through the same intersection. Someone wasn't paying attention and plowed into an LAPD SUV. The ambulance in the caravan paused, medics quickly checked to see if everyone was okay, and then continued on with the first group.


• Last 2 seen at Sunset and La Brea because my brother's poor and got rid of his internet and I worked from Starbucks. Luckily they do not charge rent. Good news: I got my phone to tether to my laptop and use that connection for internet...to actually work on the last day I was there.


• Everyone in LA is not beautiful. However, there is a higher concentration of slim, attractive people in LA. In other words, as opposed to my Kroger's here, I can fill my spank bank to capacity in one trip to any Ralph's in Hollywood.


• With that also comes a much higher incidence of scary Skeletor and/or super-surgery ladies. I can't stand superlips, fake breasts, or forced emaciation. In other words, my libido can fall deathly ill in one trip to Ralph's.


• LA is the only place you'll find a bar coaster selling you on the DVD of the last season of Big Bang Theory


• While there is a large Latino immigrant population, there is also a large Korean, Chinese, Japanese, and other Asian faction in the city. Armenian, Indian, and Ethiopian as well. This means unlimited varied cuisine throughout.


• It also means normal (non-cable) digital stations can be found in English, Spanish, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, and Armenian. There is one Spanish station with Korean subtitles.


• And why can I get almost 10 Christian stations (3-4 English) with just a digital antenna?


• Driving in LA isn't so bad. Scariest part is keeping an eye out for pedestrians and bikes and light cameras. Drivers are slightly douche-y. Boston, now those drivers scared the shit out of me.


• We drove the Pacific Coast Highway about 45 miles north of Santa Monica and my brain is still trying to process the beauty in every mile.


• There is a sports bar called Big Wangs within walking distance of another named Happy Endings. I neither saw penises or received a handjob.


• I realized walking distance can mean a couple miles when it took me 40 minutes to drive 2 miles and find parking.


• I realized walking distance can mean a couple miles when you're feeding a meter and just about every man in the city is skinnier than you.


• Parking is ass. Take your time to learn the signs: there's street-sweepin' curb switchin', variations in how the meters are set to collect and differences when the meters are off (anything from free to tow your ass), and hourly restrictions sometimes in columns M-Th, F-S, Sun that'll make your head spin. Get out of the car and read.


• Double and triple check your flight info. I accidentally got dropped off at Terminal 1, realized I had to be at 6, ran to lower deck, caught "A" shuttle, and traveled over 15 minutes to 6, then upstairs to check in. LAX is fucking big.


• This past Monday I was there when Downtown LA hit 113° F, breaking every other temperature record evar. Yes, it was hot enough for me. (sidenote: I sweat at 78 or so; I like it cold. I don't care if it's a drier heat than in Cincinnati, it still fucking sucked the monumentally prolific sweat pouring from my back and balls)

That's enough for now, yes?