Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Divorce Cometh, Man

(This is personal and not happy. You have been warned. Go away if you like. But come back. Van murals tomorrow.)

Ah, patient readers, you may recall this gem from two years ago - OMFG, it's been two years? - wherein I divulged that Mrs. Shambles and I had settled on divorce after growing apart and being at a dead standstill on either side of the fence about having a(nother) child.

Give it a look if you don't remember or haven't been around that long. Good read for a horribly depressing monstrosity of a life event.

And it gets even stranger-worse!

As we have not paid down our debt and have gone two years, we have lived in a relatively copacetic, visually emotionless void. For Little Shambles, of course. Big events that have happened since that post have been the passing of Mrs. Shambles's mother (only 60) and our ten year anniversary, both weathered with ---


Sorry, not even sure what the hell I'm trying to convey or vent here.

Brass tacks: last month we talked again, pinned down that we were still in those same places - although even more distant now - and now that Mrs. Shambles is back to work and my contracts are getting more lucrative, we may or may not be divorcing in the next year. Might wait until Little Shambles is done with HS in two years. Might not. For as much as Mrs. Shambles hit me up with being uncommunicative or too hard to engage during these past two years on the handful of times she did engage, when I pushed the issue, she had apparently not been sitting on a bunch of planning.

We did talk plainly, which was kind of nice. The impasse is far too wide and deep for a bridge. We are going to do our own thing (and have been for a while). And Bee-Tee-Dubs, what makes me happy?

It's no surprise to anyone that with my history of depression and this weirdness have left me completely perplexed at the answer to what should be a pretty down to Earth question. But ...I'm not sure. I have things I like, but in this situation I can sometimes only dwell on the fact that I LOVE making other people happy and how - when it came down to it - it was my selfishness that would not allow me to do that one thing for the person I loved most.

(Really, I only think about it in those terms on occasion. Totally in a healthy way. Right?)

So I continue to live in the void. The "I love yous" are ghosts if I hear them at all. Even texting I love yous quickly turned to KKKs (kisses, you racist), and then burned out like the cross on your lawn. Kisses on the lips? Nil. Sex? Can't remember when.

Communication, especially in the last couple months, has not just shriveled up but started pushing into disrespect. I'm a patient all-kindsa-zenny guy, but my lean is going from "let's just get through what we must" to "seriously, you live on your goddamned Blackberry but you can't even answer a text or two a day?" And it's not over "OMG work iz hard" but "Hey, I'm making dinner about six, is that good?" and not getting an answer until 7. Or 10.

And our daughter doesn't know. And her dad and my folks don't know. And it goes on. We haven't worn our wedding rings in over a year.

SO I guess my bullshit post here is more for venting than anything else. Not much progress, a little more frustration, and a lot more "What the Hell?" Sorry if that's disappointment.

I don't know. Maybe next week I'll tell you how it's all my fault because every major relationship in my life has ended this way: they just get longer. Or not. Because that would be defeatist. And I only think about it in those terms on occasion. Totally in a healthy way. Right?

I've got that emotional hangover feeling after posting this yesterday. I'm not going to make any changes besides this add, though, as it accurately reflected the breakfast burrito explosion that I sometimes experience in the midst of emotional turmoil, threshold, and a coating of insomnia from inheriting my mother's propensity to imagine the worst possible outcome.

Truth is, writing bubbled it to the surface again and Mrs. Shambles and I had another candid talk, which was good. In the coming weeks, we're going to get finances and budgets nailed down, we're going to come up with a plan to talk to Little Shambles, and take the rest as it comes. She'll be more communicative and I'll be more patient. With a house neither of us could afford on our own, we'll probably be sticking it out until LS goes to college in two years, perhaps opting for a legal separation before the official divorce - legal research is also on the docket.

Anyway, with over 1500 posts, there are only a handful of them that directly relate to me and only me - hell, even my gout posts were at least curiously informative. So, again, thanks for reading, and thank you for your patience.

Now how about some van murals?


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sorry to hear that things are rocky again (or still). Have you tried relationship counseling? If only to keep things civil and co-operative until it's feasible to start your separate lives. That's my free advice and you know the old saying. Free advice is worth every penny!

Silliyak said...


Lisa Golden said...

You're not alone. I don't know if that helps, but it's true. I've been there in my relationship with my husband. We somehow and against many odds pulled out of the void, but we're the exception to the rule (and who knows what kinds of co-dependencies keep us together). I know more than one couple who are living in this limbo either for the kids, for financial reasons, because of their parents, or whatever. It's more common than I realized and it becomes more common as I get older.

But it's not at all common when you're living through it.

Venting is important. Fire away. And be sure to take care of yourself in the midst of all this.

Steven Thompson said...

I try to keep my personal problems off of my blogs but sometimes they become too overwhelming to maintain that facade that all is well. I've found that venting often reveals genuine support from unexpected sources so vent away.

Life As I Know It Now said...

I'm going through a divorce and I am mostly relieved that is 90% over now.
I stayed for the kids and because we were friends still, and because he needed me. I became very unhappy towards the end and just wanted out. Humans are just like other animals--we are serial monogamous. There are very few couples that stay together for long periods of time and do it happily. Not that long term happy couples don't exist--but it's not the norm. I hope you find some stability and happiness in your life and soon.

Ricky Shambles said...

I appreciate the support. I've added a morning-after addendum to the post as we had a good discussion last night.

Debra- if it heads down a dangerous road, I will take that advice. I think as long as we talk often instead of letting me imagine the worst, we'll make it through the back end of this.

Siliyak- Thank you.

Lisa- Happy to hear a success story :) I'm somehow both surprised and unsurprised to hear it's pretty common. But yes, taking care of me is something I really need to focus on, both mentally and physically.

Steven- Thanks. That's exactly how I see it.

LAIKIN- Thank you. I agree that we are serially monogamous. Stability is on the horizon. For you too, I hope.

I expect to hear more and will respond to everyone in kind. Thanks again. Van Murals before lunch!

Divorced and dating said...

Common causes of divorce include such things a expectations. Most couple do not understand they must know and understand each others expectations to stop a divorce or to keep a marriage on the road.