Animated Excrement: The Bigot Coulter

I should be logging off.
I should be breathing deeply.
I should be putting down the gun.
I should be ignoring this.

But then I had to go and read Kate Chase's post mentioning that Jesus might even spit on Ann Coulter and got all riled up again. Media Matters has the transcript and terrifying video.

After saying Heaven would be like the 2004 Republican National Convention, she proceeded to discuss her own Bizarro America where everyone is a Christian, and these "perfected Jews" would exhibit amazing, super-human tolerance. Let's just take a snacking bite at some words from the mobile hellmouth:

COULTER: Well, OK, take the Republican National Convention. People were happy. They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America, they --

DEUTSCH: Christian -- so we should be Christian? It would be better if we were all Christian?

COULTER: Yes.

DEUTSCH: We should all be Christian?

COULTER: Yes. Would you like to come to church with me, Donny?

DEUTSCH: So I should not be a Jew, I should be a Christian, and this would be a better place?

COULTER: Well, you could be a practicing Jew, but you're not.

DEUTSCH: I actually am. That's not true. I really am. But -- so we would be better if we were - if people -- if there were no Jews, no Buddhists --

COULTER: Whenever I'm harangued by --

DEUTSCH: -- in this country? You can't believe that.

COULTER: -- you know, liberals on diversity --

DEUTSCH: Here you go again.

COULTER: No, it's true. I give all of these speeches at megachurches across America, and the one thing that's really striking about it is how utterly, completely diverse they are, and completely unself-consciously. You walk past a mixed-race couple in New York, and it's like they have a chip on their shoulder. They're just waiting for somebody to say something, as if anybody would.

I do believe she just alluded that it's okay to be black as long as you're not self-identifying yourself as black. As I said, this is just a sampling. Read the whole thing; it's worth the ten minutes and twenty Tums. And if you want the reality of megachurches, please see Jesus Camp (recommended one bottle of wine per person during the 90 minute viewing).

I do agree with Kate that Jesus would probably spit on her. But primarily, I see two major issues with Ann Coulter's Republican Christian Automaton America:

1. If Everyone in America were Christian Republicans, Ann Coulter would be the bag lady in the parking lot. The woman makes her living spouting stupidity and hate against anyone who is not a Conservative Christian would not be able to make a living in a world where everyone is Conservative and Christian


2. Converting the entire world with the broad Conservative Christian brush, it is a naive and foolish idea to believe that everyone would just get along at that point. Just as losing one sense amplifies the others, all the differences besides Christianity and Conservatism would become important: Christian sect (Catholic, Protestant, Presbyterian, etc.), race, intelligence, nationality, length of your nationality's dedication to Christ, length of personal dedication to Christ, favorite right wing nutjob radio host.
   
   Why? Because human nature dictates that we will glop together to form our identity by being part of different groups, and existing differences between people define different groups, which will define a facet or facets of their group distinction as superior out of an innate personal/group desire for self-preservation. That self-preservation raises walls and starts wars.

Coulter's perfect world simply doesn't exist; just like a heaven where everyone's praying and angels are singing and there's no conflict or progress, if ever did exist, it would be boring as hell.

Even in some alternate universe where there somehow exists an entire world full of Ann Coulters (terrifying because of, well, Ann Coulter, refreshing because the population would die out in one generation), differences in age, upbringing, geographic location, and even dichotomies in her own mind would cause rifts and sects and wars. Which gives rise to some satisfying imagery at the same exact moment that it degrades into a Photoshop.



My last stomach-curdling thought exercise: Ann Coulter is a vile, hate-seeping human being and because of her beliefs and demeanor alone, cannot be considered attractive under any circumstances. However, in some parallel universe where Ann Coulter was a well-spoken, intelligent liberal - maybe wore glasses - who consistently nailed the neoconservative base with poignant and pertinent attacks, do you think she could be hot?

Feel free to take a Google Image mental break if it becomes too much to get through the exercise.