Notes on the Florida FOX Republican Debate

Reuters

Yesterday evening, I watched the Republican debate on FOX. For those of you keeping up with the debates, there is little worse than watching a Republican debate, other than watching a Republican debate that is book-ended and punctuated by the neocon myrmidons that inhabit that Death Star of networks. Here, some observations:

• I would just like to give a shoutout to Sam Brownback who is no longer in the running, and John McCain's ever-growing neck waddle, which is
  troublingly, visibly waving back.
  
  
• Où est le bouffant? Mitt Romney was shooting for the scruffy pseudo-emo look for the kids tonight, a little less product in his hair, which led to a bobbing, distracting Grease curl bouncing on his forehead that was fixed about five minutes in. Classy.
  
  
• And Thompson's out of the gate, and Romney's left of Kennedy - ZING! and he says Kennedy's fat - Double ZING! - and, um, um, um... Stop looking at your paper and they might take you seriously.
  
  
• This is the space where back-patting and ball-kicking met at the middle of a cross-tinkle between McCain, Giuliani, Romney, and Thompson. It was typical and unsurprising: the material was not new, but the knife reach became a little longer. 73 days until the first primary.
  
  
• This is how FOX rolls: Allow Ron Paul to speak, but always bait him with a question that makes him an enemy of the audience. In this instance, gay marriage. Ron is right; all social institutions should be protected. The audience's reactions to him show they have become a single, collective fool, like the Borg, but without intelligence or technology.
  
  
• Carl Carson baited Ron Paul in the gay marriage question and immediately after questioned Romney, calling Mitt a "top tier" candidate, directly implying most of those on stage are not in a tone that suggests they were lucky to be invited. They know this; you don't have to be a total douche about it.
  
  
• Giuliani: "Judicial activism!" Why is it when a judge makes a ruling, effectively interpreting a law like he or she is supposed to do, if that ruling goes against Republican talking points or "conservative Christian values" (you know: killing balls of cells is wrong, killing criminals is justice), it is rampant activism, but a major impetus behind electing a Republican is to appoint conservative Supreme Court Justices so they can overturn the well-established ruling behind Roe vs. Wade?
  
  
• Oh, hey guys, Huckabee's here. I didn't even see him.
  
  
• Note to the set designer: the slow-fade blue/red Christmas lights in the background were not clever; they were distracting.
  
  
• Tancredo talks about the spectrum of conservatives, how they end up floating to the left, and how no one's talking about it. Well spoken.
  
  
• Hunter says that Democratic presidents are weak, but Reagan was strong. Reagan dug in and saved the people of El Salvador, who are now side by side with us in Iraq! Woohoo Reagan. Wait, how many? 300? Seriously? (Seriously; that's not a movie reference) "She's short and skinny, but she's strong. Her first baby come out sideways. She didn't scream or nothing." (That's a movie reference.)
  
  
• Ron Paul makes a valid statement: No one is happy with the health care system except the HMOs - no one backs him.
  
  
• Romney: I don't want the folks who cleaned up after Katrina handling health care. Holy damn, that's smacking your huevos against the government's cheek.
  
  
• Huckabee: "And I just want to remind everybody when all the old hippies find out that they get free drugs, just wait until what that's going to cost out there." Dang dirty hippies ruined America once, and they'll do it again. Hrrumph.
  
  
• Tancredo: "You know, (filmmaker) Michael Moore went to Cuba not too long ago, and wrote this documentary about the greatness of the system, how wonderful it was to be in Cuba and have a socialized medical system." Tom, if you're going to jump on the "Michael Moore's da devil!" bandwagon, at least watch the fucking movie. Unfortunately, you sounded completely rational to the audience because they got their information spoon-fed from FOX just like you did. Ignorance is not just bliss, but a cornerstone of the Republican party.
  
  
• Hey everybody, let's talk smack about Hillary and how much we hate the Clintons! Yay! Republican autoerotica at its best: We know you don't like Hillary and no one in the Republican audience needs further reason not to vote for her, but in an audience where McCain's "I respect her" comment gets answered by lower viewer approval, the wine-swilling masses must be appeased by feeding the Christians to the lions.
  
  
• Romney says Hillary has not exhibited overt business management skills. This is obviously different from our current president who entered office having exhibited multiple examples that he could not successfully run a business.
  
  
• McCain was "tied up" during Woodstock. Heh, heh. I see what he did there. Might have been a little more credible if he didn't smirk and wait for the - wait, what? Really? A standing ovation?
  
  
• Brit Hume valiantly defends our POTUS while interrupting candidates: "He never said privatization," followed by the vapors, fanning, fainting, and a loosening of the girdle.
  
  
• Huckabee: Social Security is an important issue, and a fair amount of joking is appropriate during a debate, but try not to joke about "taking them out" when discussing the elderly; joking about killing old people is never funny. Unless it's a clown killing old people. Then hilarity ensues.
  
  
• Hey, McCain, what about a new cold war? McCain: Looked into his eyes and saw three letters: K-G-B. So you'd be in favor of a fresh start, then.
  
  
• I said this last time: Rudy Giuliani is a jerk. He consistently makes underhanded comments about the other candidates, especially the "second tiers." Allowing those comments (or openly disrespectful laughter) to get air time by leaving his mic open is stupid and validates his asshattery. Stop it.
  
  
• I did like Ron Paul's characterization of how our president "prances" all over the world with the military. Very cute.
  
  
• Thompson: "If a man can do all that and be lazy, I recommend that to everybody. And the most important part is I’m a proud father of five and two of them are under four." Translation: "I work hard and so does my pecker. Whassup? You want some?"
  
  
• Post 1: Hannity had such a cute wave on a 3-shot near the beginning of the spin room. How sweet.
  
  
• Post 2: Ron Paul won the "Who won the debate" text poll. He does every time. Get over it, Sean Hannity, and stop calling your poll invalid simply because you don't like the results.
  
  
• Post 3: I do believe I could've popped every person in Frank Luntz's focus group room right in the nose; I heard a lot of ignorance. Actually, that's all I heard. But there was one guy:
  
  
  
  Aside from looking like Robert De Niro's homeless, fat cousin, the man just pissed arrogance, one of those guys that you can't even talk to because he already knows all the answers and all the issues and if you think you do, you're wrong because he's read more and seen more, he understands more and has been following politics longer than you. But really he spends his time blogging and eating Cheetos in three-day-old underwear (and nothing else) in his mother's basement, occasionally masturbating to Sailor Moon and collapsing in tears in the dark. Everyone within fifteen feet of him last night had the unavoidable urge to binge drink until bar close.
  

Overall, there was some ostentatious language, but no real surprises. Hillary bashing was particularly troubling, but not out of character for these folks. Aside from Ron Paul and except for the fact that none of these guys will win the presidency over a Democrat in 12 1/2 months, every one of them would be calmly comfortable taking over an administration that will have probably just started a war with Iran.