Thursday, June 03, 2010

Cleansing: This is Stupid

This is stupid. This is a glass and gallon jug of stupid juice. In order to make stupid juice, you add 1 t of cayenne, 1 1/4 C each of fresh-squeezed lemon juice and real (expensive!) maple syrup to 1 gal of spring water.

Okay, it's not stupid juice, it's a lemon cleanse. Yay! Not really. What's in that jug? I'm supposed to have 10 12 oz glasses during the day. And that's all. No food. And as a prize at the end of the day? A mild laxative herbal tea. Yum. In the morning I take 1 L lukewarm water with 2 t uniodized sea salt. That's called an oral enema. Seriously. Just about the whole liter comes straight out the other end, and it's brought some friends.

Last weekend, my mother mentioned that my cousin does this cleanse once or twice a year, loses 10-20 lbs. Mrs. Shambles thought "we" should try it. I'm going along to support her for now.

A day and a half into it and I'm cranky - actually get a bit angry when I drive by a place where I smell food - I have a headache (I never get headaches), I'm tired, and feeling slightly emotionally fragile. Great. Clean out your body, wreck your soul. Thanks Mom.

And this is supposed to last at least 10 days.

But it's okay. Mrs. Shambles is heading out of town tomorrow and I've already figured I'd probably drop the cleanse tomorrow afternoon. I just can't do it. Every time I take down another glass of gross, a louder and louder voice somewhere inside me shouts "Hey, this is stupid!" generally paired with a mild gagging reflex. I'm already exercising. How about giving that a chance to work first?

So any of you ever go through a cleanse? Did it work? Was it worth it?


Chris said...

Good god man... It sounds like a method they used at Gitmo.

Good luck with that. Let us know how it turns out and if you talked or not.

Chris said...

And to clarify... you don't eat anything for 10 days? I'm not sure that's 'cleansing' as much as 'starving'.

Ricky Shambles said...

I believe technically it follows the rule of 3's: You can live 3 minutes without oxygen, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food. And since the lemon and syrup technically provide some calories, that last 3 weeks could probably go on for much, much longer.

But yeah, it's totally starving. I'll be breaking it tomorrow.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Tomorrow be sure to put some of that expensive maple syrup on your pancakes. Yum!

Lemmy Caution said...


Yeah, a few times a week I do a Hot Wings and Blue Cheese cleanse. Don't lost much weight, but headaches and fragile emotions!

Ricky Shambles said...

Update post being written now...

Debra - I'm a waffle man myself, but that last 1/4 C is tomorrow's breakfast.

Lemmy - trying to work up to wings tonight as a pat on the back for living suck for 48 hours.

Jennifer Hayes Hugon said...

Eegad! That sounds awful...

An alternative?
I recommend the exercise and eating proportionally more veggies in your diet. Plus lots and lots of water. No processed foods.

I'll be interested to hear your results ;)

Ricky Shambles said...

Exactly what I plan to do. Thanks for the kudos!