Wednesday, January 26, 2011

SOTU Rebuttal Party - From Vapid to Insane

You read the SOTU review already, right?

Okay then. Now we're going to talk about the rebuttals. Hehe, I said butt.

Paul Ryan

It's official! Or just the official response. Honestly, on the kind end, it was as vapid as Jindal's. No ideas, mostly negative, same damn talking points. Negatively, he said basically if we don't do what Republicans say is best, "America's best century will be considered our past century." Ass.

But I couldn't focus for more than a few minutes at a time on his words. Why? Holy shit, Paul Ryan looked like he was stoned off his ass. His droopy, pink-ass eyes made him look like he'd just stumbled off the Mystery Mobile before getting in front of the cameras. I was looking for Scooby Snack crumbs on his suit in HD. Ryan: don't you have someone who looks at you before you get on camera? What if you'd fallen asleep and someone drew a dick on your face in Sharpie? Damn!

That's all I have on Ryan. But we're not done! Oh, no. If you thought the Official Republican Rebuttal was all you got in this deal, you're wrong!

Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann pulled some awesome stupid in garnering the blessing of delivering the Tea Party rebuttal and CNN ate it up.

This is kind of like Ryan's rebuttal, but I'll bullet it for the sake of ...well, everyone loves bullets. (I mean bullet points people! I'm not advocating violence by discussing HTML type layout! JFC!)
  • Are you truly starting your speech with a stock photo of the Constitution in the background? Who did this setup? AWFUL!
  • Speaking of which, now we're doing graphs. Graphs? Were you living in a cave when Perot did his shit? Even I remember that!
  • Slavery ended with our Founding Fathers? Are you in the 1st grade module of your GED?
  • Lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.
  • If you can't look into the camera, you're FAIL. FAIL all over. Look into the camera! OMFG!
  • Did you just say "Iwo Jama?"

It only gets worse from here, folks.

Paul Broun

Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA, failed color spelling as child) had his own little rebuttal. Okay, it wasn't actually a rebuttal. It was more like he decided to NOT show up for the State of the Union and hang in his office man-cave and live-tweet about what he was seeing on the teevee. I'm not fucking kidding. Baby-cakes was grumpy - or pounded a little too much merlot with Boehner tailgating - and sat in his office during the SOTU.

Live-tweeting? You bet. Here are a few delicious bits out of the 24 posts he made after he opened the bottle:
All children will be poor if we continue with Obama's policies #fb #SOTU #TCOT

From my seat, Obama's call for more investments sounds like more govt spending #fb #SOTU #TCOT

I wonder if those kids can read their diploma. A lot of hs graduates cannot.

Mr. President, you don't believe in the Constitution. You believe in socialism.

Wow, that's some crazy, right? Oh, but not enough crazy. Not nearly enough. He showed up on some awesome right-wing radio to up the ante of nutter-ism:
The Republican Party is the party of K-N-O-W.
But we are the party of N-O against socialism and that’s what Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama have been proposing is a greater take over of everything in human endeavor in America.

Ah, so not just irrational and potentially drunk and obviously crazy, but totally fucking paranoid. That's the kind of leadership we need in the country. Hell, we don't even need that type of irrational stupidity in this country. Scary thing is, he's an elected leader.

...and if you call now...

Seriously, not done. Not yet. Why?

Christine O'Donnell

Our resident "not a witch" Christine O'Donnell was booked on Good Morning America. And she was pissed because all the good ideas were actually hers. Durr.

Seriously, next year, when Obama's giving the SOTU, why don't we treat it like it should be treated: a poorly-planned, inappropriate funeral service. Have all the Republicans hang out after the speech and then Boehner - after the President leaves - states "If anyone would like to say something about the speech, please come forward." And Boehner feeds them merlot and everyone can be judged by what they say in one place and feed the needed late-night numbers for all the cable stations.

If you'd like an idea, here's the rest of them:


Professor Chaos said...

O'Donell is still allowed to speak in public? And in front of cameras? Unbelievable!

Lemmy Caution said...

*waves arms* Hey, Michelle!! Over here!! We're over here!! *waves arms*

What the f%*k was she looking at? Was the cameraman dangling a toy mouse on a stick just to the side of the camera?