Today I was reading about the complete moron and failure of a terrorist Faisal Shahzad and how he got a life sentence in court today as a terrorist and overall bad guy.
For those of you unfamiliar with or harboring short attention spans, Faisal Shahzad (not to be confused with Fievel Mousekewitz) is the "terrorist" who filled a Range Rover with propane tanks and low-grade fertilizer and basically started the car on fire. Smoke alerted bystanders something was wrong. They snagged Fievel trying to leave the country.
~~F-Shaz~~ has a retarded knowledge of anything terrorist and a wonderful mastery over poking us Americans - verbally - in the ass. Is that what they're teaching those kids in terrorist camps these days? He is an epic FAIL in bomb-making and hurting people but was able to convince a judge - by words - that he's a terrorist, hates America, would've joined the jihad on 9/11-- this guy's a goddamned wannabe! A Poseur! He shows up to a NIN concert in '99 like Pretty Hate Machine was just released and he's the only one who's heard of it!
*groans with hands over temples*
Let's work with a hypothetical for a second, shall we?
I am a retarded terrorist. I've read all the crazy extremist stuff I could find on the internets and want to burn down America. So where do I start? Well, I rent a Range Rover (cause, seriously, who can afford that shit in this economy?) Wait, sorry. I have to rent a van because I already made the graphic and don't want to change it.
SO I rent a van and build a large cage in the back of the van lined with window screen I got from Home Depot. I hired a Hispanic to put it together. But then I had to kill him because he'd know my plan. NO! Wait, sorry, skip that Hispanic part - it complicates my plans. Say, now, I put my cage together and lined it with window screen.
...and filled it with popcorn kernels.
BUT! about halfway full (I don't know, like 400 of 800 lbs of kernels) I put a firecracker in there and I'd already twisted a really long wick on it so I could put the end of the wick out of the screen and light it after the other half of the kernels are loaded.
So now I've got a huge cage in the back of a van and I'm a crazy terrorist and I drive to The Empire State Building and park the van and light the wick and run like a crazy but stealthy madman and ...nothing happens. But I don't know that because I'm already on the way to JFK, yo!
(NOTE: Alternate version: I set a bag of Pop Secret on fire in the back of the van and run like hell!)
SO right now, I've illegally parked, been mad about the US, and ran to the airport. But when the police search my van, they find I've dropped my master plan:
Of course, the back has my name and contact information on it
SO they tag me at the airport, but they're not quite sure why yet, but it's BIG because ABCCBSNBCNAFTA are all over it and despite the fact that my logistics are completely off and any respectable terrorist could build a basic bomb - even if medicated - it doesn't matter all that much because I just scream something about "Allah!" when they apprehend me. Hey-yo! Terrorist superstar!
I mean, come on. I'm a terrorist, tried to blow some shit up, and still alive. How many of us are there? The shoe-bomber? Beause those liquid bullshit guys just had drawings and no plans. So I need to gin it up to be a legend so no one remembers I have no technical knowledge or abilities to do any real damage aside from maybe something I read on the internets and couldn't accomplish even if I were given real training.
So I say things like "I hate America" and "I wish I was with those 9-11 guys!" and I get nailed for a life sentence where someone's going to kill me in jail because I'm a terrorist and I get to be a martyr. Yayyy!
--END HYPOTHETICAL--
So this guy set a car on fire and because his intent was to harm people he gets a life sentence and a world stage to pronounce his hatred?
Seriously, why are we spending our time and money on lauding our successes over terrorism on guys like this? Why don't we do an alternate public humiliation sentence, well-advertised to promote some tool to show up and just shoot him?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy, but, well...
Wait, don't we have more important work, like finding the only 6'4" terrorist in the Middle East?
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