Monday, August 04, 2008

Glenn Beck: Shirtless

No, don't worry; Glenn Beck does not reveal his nipples to anyone but his wife and apparently even covers them with pasties when shaving shirtless in the mirror.

The Offending Image

I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but was in the car and I got sucked in. On the Friday, 8/1 radio show of Glenn Beck, Glenn had his panties in a bunch over this picture:

Obama at the Beach

He was aghast. What sense of propriety was this?

And then, predictably, he compared it to this picture:

Shirtless Putin

And said this was all staged, just like Putin's image, and that a dance/techno song someone composed proclaiming "Putin is our man" was "just like" the Ludacris song about Obama. Note to Glenn: Ludacris does not do techno.

The Question

"Who was the last president...?" he trailed off, "How far back would you have to go?" of course, implying that Obama is some sort of radical, pseudo-euro nude beach freak because he took a dip.

Okay, Glenn, how far back would we have to go?

The Presidents

Admittedly, we have no Bush (43 or 41), but we do have another recent candidate for president actually exercising:

John Kerry Swimming

Oh, for shame. No Republicans would ever have a picture of them without a shirt on, though.

McCain in POW Camp

Okay, that's not fair. John McCain was in a POW camp and didn't have the luxury of choosing whether or not he had a shirt on just then.

But since we're on candidates and Glenn let the rant dip into respectability, I cannot in good conscience allow this to skip the post:

Giuliani in Drag

Giuliani in drag. Classy. Granted, I've done drag. Twice. Lose a couple of pounds and I might just do it again.

But I'm not running for president.

But maybe Glenn is right, maybe there are no presidents that...wait. No.

Clintons on the Beach

Clinton action, Bill of Nipples and Hillary One-Piece, their arms scandalously around each other and - wha-what? - dancing? Oh, the humanity!

But maybe Glenn's point is that there are no Republican presidents that...wait. No. Awwww snap!

Ladies and Gentlemen: the case in point, pièce de résistance, every Republican's cream pie wet dream on a pedestal: Ronald Reagan!

Ronald and Nancy Reagan at the Beach

And I do believe I see a nipple. Ronald's too.

But we can't stop there - I know you all want more presidential nipples. How far down the rabbit hole does the depravity go?

Gerald Ford and press in pool

Gerald Ford? With the press? In a pool? This is Washingtonian Nipplature at its finest. And they're drinking, dear Lord.

Who wants some Richard Nixon?

Richard Nixon at the Beach

Hair dickey alert! A Repub topless (granted only VP at the time the pic was taken). Let's pull a Glenn Beck and around the same circa de soleil we've got none other than...

Chairman Mao swimming

Chairman Mao. That, of course, means Nixon was a communist.

Couple more to go, folks!

We've got a delicious young JFK in the military

and reaching back as far as we can, we've got a true scandal:

Eleanor Roosevelt with Earl Miller

The first two folks on the left looking all chummy would be Earl Miller, the private security detail for Eleanor Roosevelt, shirtless, leaning up against none other than the president's wife. Needless to say there were at the time back room whispers about those two, you know, fucking.

And just because his wife's out trolloping about at the beach doesn't mean FDR can't get in on the fun too!

FDR Swimming

Granted, he appears to be wearing the Sears & Roebuck No-You-Can't-See-My-Nipples-That-Would-Be-Improper Tank, soon thereafter tagged the wifebeater after he found out what Eleanor was doing to Earl. They did not, however, rename Eleanor's shoes nutcrunchers. And you thought he got polio.

So after that joyous romp through men's nipples and bastardized history, we have only one thing to say to Glenn Beck: WTF? Please get a lackey to do some fucking research before you start ranting about shit that is so obviously wrong.

NOTE: If you can find any of the missing presidents - I could've sworn I've seen a more recent JFK one - flashing off their man-teats, send a link and I'll post it and credit you! Yay!

UPDATE: Freida, you drove me to it.

Daddy Dick
Daddy Dick

(photoshop from Princess Sparkle Pony's Photo Blog)


Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Who knew those powerful people had nipples!

DivaJood said...

I'm actually aghast at the anoerexic Nancy Reagan. She looks TERRIBLE in that photo. And Ronnie just looks stupid.

Mnmom said...

Obama makes that farmer's tan look GOOD!

Katie Schwartz said...

BRILLIANT. We're all slutty nipple showing whores, the whole sick lot of humanity. the shame.

Suzy said...

Anyone seen The Magic Christian with that precious scene where Ringo asks Peter Sellers, "Do words corrupt?" Peter Sellers says, "I don't know, son," then leans over to a wrinkled, sanctimonious old woman and says, "Nipples"?

What should Obama be doing -- rolling up his sleeves and cutting brush?

Freida Bee said...

I second divajood's sentiment and am eminently thankful George and Dick are not in on the scandal, though you can be assured I will be looking ('cause I'm a masochist that way).

Ricky Shambles said...

Freida, an update just for you. Not an original, but it'll work :)

Freida Bee said...

Ricky, unfortunately, his clamped nipples are not visible, but I "his" hairy chest is just the thing to make me want to go stick a fork in an electrical socket.

Thank you!

Suzan said...


And I was hoping to see Cindy's new ones.



Anonymous said...

Putin looks hot!

Ricky Shambles said...

Anon - I believe the proper term is "hawt." Thanks for the comment!

Anonymous said...

These are great ... I don't get it ... and I guess I never will being the liberal that I am ... what's the big deal? These religious right-wingers are too uptight ... they are more like the islamic religion then they would ever admit.

Ricky Shambles said...

Anon- thanks! It's always great to revisit the nipples.