Shake Weight for Men

This is ...real? I can see how it might.... But the frantic, two-handed action is.... Just watch, I guess. :-S

Ricky Shambles Naked

No, I will not be running for president of the United States or anything else now or at any time in the future (sans, of course, President of the World, after the Apocalypse), and for that reason - I decided, in the shower yesterday, it would be a good idea - I'll be occasionally posting some personally embarrassing piece of my life that may or may not be completely humiliating or even interesting to my readers.

Raise Your What?



At about 10 or 11 years old, the word "steam" conjured up stolen images of HBO or videos at a friend's house: a couple heatedly making out, enough to cause the windows of a car to steam up. Why did I relate such words to meanings? I blame it on HBO and wavy Skinemax (yes, I snuck viewings of it wavy).

So when I was - at that age - one day helping my mother fold laundry and watching the afternoon news, I remember the TV anchor throw out the teaser before a commercial: "Learn to Raise Yourself a Steam."

"Holy crap!" I thought. "The news is going to teach me how to get it hot and heavy with the ladies!" (or whatever equally-lame way my brain processed the information). The proof came seconds later when Mom asked me to run downstairs to get something for her. "Of course - she doesn't want me to see the story," I thought, and ran like hell.

Of course, I got back upstairs in record time and when the news came back on, I learned once and forever that some people are just sad and need help raising their "self esteem" - that measure that they personally don't suck.

_____
So, dear readers, two questions:

Is the slice of truth, the ability to see Ricky laid out on the slab and the hammer coming down, worth the post?

Is "Ricky Shambles Naked" a nice title?

Feedback is always welcome.

A Smurfy Update from Croatia

Last week, I got smurfy with the Croatian people. Leave it to them not only to bounce back, but comment on my blog:

we beat record today with 533 smurfs!

(Croatian News Link)

Based on the "we" and the link to the news station not in English, someone directly related to the effort wanted to set me straight. Nice.

How about another picture for posterity:



Congratulations to Croatia and, specifically, this group of persevering Smurfs. Good show.

Croatian Smurfs get Smurfed

What's more fun than spending your afternoon in Croatia trying to break the Guinness Book of World Records record for the largest gathering of Smurfs?



Smurfing at them from America because someone didn't do their research.

When they contacted World Guiness Book of Records to register their feat they were told they were too late.

Even though they had managed to gather 395 Smurf-a-likes in one place, this Croatian attempt to smash the record turned out to be a waste of time.

Shoddy research meant they believed they only had to get 291 'Smurfs' in one place to clinch the prized record.

However they managed to overlook one vitally important fact.

A new record had actually been set by students at Warwick University last year where they had managed to round up a grand total of 451 Smurfs.

How could this have happened? They did their research "on the internet." Ooh, beware ye research on the internet, fair Croats. Lest you spend your afternoon with a blue face for absolutely no reason at all.

I wonder if they served blue beer.

The Bible: Let's Get Gay Straight

The Bible is a fantastic journey through generations of wisdom about how we should live our lives, from the Ten Commandments to Jesus' teachings. But some parts of the Bible can be a strange, meandering journey through what should or should not be done. My favorite book is Leviticus, specifically because it is often quoted by those seeking to demonize homosexuality:

Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable. (Leviticus 18:22)

Okay, so gay people are not good, ostracization is the punishment, etc. God said so, just like he handed Moses the 10 Commandments.

My favorite juxtaposition? That would be Leviticus 19:19:

Keep my decrees.
Do not mate different kinds of animals.
Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.
Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.

I don't know if different kinds of dog breeding count, but a Liger is totally off the map. Farmers should probably pay heed to the second one, violating God's law by diversifying their crops. And the third? Well, are you wearing a blend right now?

So wearing a cotton-rayon blend is on the list just under having gay sex (but it's only for men and doesn't count for women; God is either a rudimentary prude or likes girl-on-girl action).

Let's recap some more lovely quotes out of Leviticus:

Do not eat any of the fat of cattle, sheep or goats. (Leviticus 7:23)

These are the birds you are to detest and not eat because they are detestable: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (Leviticus 11:13-19)

Isn't a bat a mammal, and wouldn't God know that?

A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding. (Leviticus 12:2-5)

WTF God?

Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it.
Do not practice divination or sorcery.
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.
(Leviticus 19:26-27)

Okay, this is a little out of control, but you get the point. Evangelical Christians believe that the Bible is the literal Word of God and, specifically, in Leviticus, it is the quoted Word of God. Read the whole thing; it gets much more detailed, and would be almost impossible to follow on a daily basis.

But some Christians state that Jesus' sacrifice put all those laws and sacrifices on the back burner. They are cherry-picking the Bible. Did Jesus ever say that? No.

I have no problem with cherry-picking the Bible for the good parts that help make many people of the world better people, but if you're going to personally decide or allow your governing religious organization decide what God means and what we, as humans, should follow, then do it all or none. Either God said it or He didn't. Either every word is important or isn't. Live the way you want to, but never, never condemn others because they live differently. Treat others the way you would like to be treated and judge not, lest ye be judged. And stop turning hate into a religious family value.

And next time you proudly hold up the sign stating "God Hates Fags," check the tag on your shirt, because cotton-polyester blends are right up there. Queer.

Bush: Tears of a Clown

Crooks and Liars had a nice post about President Bush's admission that he cries. They entitled it "Tears of a Clown." How dare they do that without a proper Photoshop?


This is flattery: if not for the presidency thing, he'd be a carney, running a tilt-a-whirl

There you go. Much better.

Larry Craig and Apologies

Some days I just don't feel like blogging.

Most of those days I spend reflecting on news I've already dedicated myself to (have you ever felt the struggle between the sickness of ending a sentence with a preposition and that sickness not quite overriding the proper desire for the awkward structure that would make it "proper" English? Kind of like that).

Let's talk about apologies.

An apology is, in a sense, asking for forgiveness for some sort of trespass ("as we forgive those who trespass against us"...totally not raised Catholic). Unfortunately, most of our public officials and just about everyone who apologizes on the television has been a horrific example of what an apology should be.

When watching Saturday's "apology" resignation of Larry Craig, I was looking for a weeping James Orsen Bakker. Instead I got the standard "apology:"

• I did something
• It was not wrong
• I'm sorry if decisions and opinions hurt people

This is what an apology should be:

• I did something wrong
• What I did hurt people
• I apologize for my actions and for hurting those people

In America, we've gotten used to the "I'm sorry if something hurt people."

This is not an apology. We need to recognize that.

This is the equivalent to the linguistic passive voice, object deleted: "A meeting was held and it was decided that all Americans are terrorists unless explicitly stated by an unaccountable government body."

Larry Craig did not apologize; he barely resigned; he did not cry.

Where does our accountability live, if not in America, if no longer in our language?

Why aren't we sorry anymore?

Larry Craig Resignation Betting Pool!

It's almost 4pm EST right now, and I have a very distinct feeling that the pressure kettle that is Larry Craig's conundrum (about resigning, not about coming out to his wife that he likes to suck dick through a glory hole, sometimes sans hole) will pop in the next 2 hours.

It's a simple equation: as time approaches the Friday evening story buryin' time, the likelihood of Craig resigning approaches infinity.

UPDATE: This just in! From the office of Larry Craig, a graph has been leaked - presumably from Sen. Craig himself - confirming my previous statement.



The media is gathered at Larry Craig's place. It's only a matter of time.

UPDATE 2: A slight miscalculation on my part, Larry Craig did not bite at the upswell of forgettable weekend news, but has taken Labor Day Weekend, and burrowed into the bosom of forgetfulness, the apex of the wave post-Snow-resignation, pre-game Ohio State Buckeyes opener, hiding himself amongst Miller Lite Waterfalls and the Great Grill Wall where he will slowly, sulkily, tiptoe away through scattered Tuesday morning hangovers under the cover of Tropical Storm Felix. He's having a "Saturday Morning" press conference "early this afternoon" (although earlier this morning it was "this morning") - During the Ohio State game! - Where he'll supposedly announce his resignation effective September 30th. Hell, the graphic is still accurate.

Honestly, I don't care when he does it; I just want to see him cry.

Sucker-Free Me

Buddha wept.

Yesterday's post Wingnut Blog Bounce: an Anti-Semite Adventure began with the site Blogs 4 Brownbeck.

In the last 24 hours, I have learned that it is a brilliant satire site. So well done, in fact, that I must give myself this award:



Thank you. And a thanks to Blue Gal on the tip.