APEX: Next Big Thing in Tech (Onion, NSFW language)

New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH) is a Blind Moron

I saw a note on a blog the other day noting that George Voinovich's Contact Page had no mention of Unemployment or Jobs. I checked it out and - okay, you already believe it - in the "Topic" you'd want to choose as the subject of your communication, there is absolutely no choice for...oh, hell, let's just list all of Sen. Douchebag's choices here for us to all ponder over, shall we?

.....HOT TOPICS.....
Associated Health Plans
Broadcast Decency Act
Gas Prices
Internet Neutrality
National Security
Same Sex Marriage
School Voucher Program
Social Security
Terrorism
War In Iraq
.....CONSTITUENT SERVICES.....
Casework
Flag Request
Service Academy Nominations
Tour Request
.....GENERAL TOPICS.....
Abortion
Agriculture
Banking-General
Budget
Children's Issues
Communications
Defense-General
Economy-General
Education
Energy
Environment
Foreign Affairs
Government Affairs
Health Care-General
Housing
Immigration
Intelligence Issues
Judiciary
Labor
Nuclear Weapons
Seniors' Issues
Small Business
Tax-General
Trade-General
Transportation
Veterans Affairs
Other

We start with HOT TOPICS. Read: Scary, right-wing talking points. I'm surprised "Them Niggers is Votin'!" isn't listed. Case in point? "Internet Neutrality" The only people talking about it are right wing radio nutters who are bald-face lying about its basic definition (and probably calling it that when anyone in the know calls it "Net Neutrality" - alliteration anyone?). Everyone else knows Neutrality is what we have now. And I'm guessing his topic is not listed to quell the mis-directed "Obama Ownz Da Internets" shoutings of his idiot-driven constituency.

We can skip the services. Meh.

But now that we've seen that the HOT TOPICS (that don't include Voinovich getting all Goth/Emo on us) did NOT include anything about job security or unemployment, then it MUST be in the General Topics, no?

Um, no. Oh, you could choose "Banking-General" 'cause you don't have no money in it, or Budget because when paycheck-to-paycheck turns to unemployment-check-to-unemployment-check turns to "maybe I should rob that aforementioned bank," that might work. But then you might choose Banking-General again.

You could pick Economy-General because Ohio's has been tanking since the 80's with a weak 90's jump and the whole state's missing the latest jump shot in Lebron's rape of Cleveland. You could pick Defense-General because you might choose a rifle over gas in the car as your jobless neighbors become squatters then homeless and the homeless move in to become squatters next door; though that might be Housing. You could pick Children's Issues because the kids are starving because there are no jobs and no money.

What you cannot pick, when trying to contact Senator George Voinovich, is a category labeled "Jobs" or "Unemployment." But maybe because there are no jobs and unemployment's run out for many, he finds it irrelevant. Maybe Georgie figures poor people don't have access to computers or the internet and therefore can't email him. Or maybe he thinks since Obama controls the internets, it's not worth his time.

Republicans don't get humor or technology or compassion and that's fine. I understand that. I don't get why they keep getting elected, but that's a whole nother post.

The Republican Senator of the State of Ohio - a state that is over the 10% mark in unemployment - is missing "Unemployment" or "Jobs" or "Job Creation" or "Joblessness" as a BASIC category of communication online. How fucking out of touch with your constituency must you be to have "Internet Neutrality" in the HOT TOPIC section and not even mention that 10% of working adults...are NOT working? Are the expensive suits and great hotels and extreme taxpayer-paid vacations and fabulous homes all giving you a rich-man brain-wash enema? Because you and the rest of the Republicans are completely ignoring the jobless in our country, you've done NOTHING to create jobs in Ohio (and shitting every Democrat idea is technically LESS than nothing), and yet you yodel about breaking taxes for the fucking RICH! (I'm guessing you're on the "that pays for itself" shovels o' bullshit wagon.)

The Republicans are not going to "win" anything in the fall, Senator V. And that's a shame, because they've already lost their souls in arguing for the last two years against everything compassionate and progressive (as in "helping the human condition progress") while offering no real solutions except to say the other guy is wrong. You're going to lose because you keep shouting "budget" and "deficit" but we all know you raped those things under W. And now you're backtracking, while vomiting platitudes of feces out your mouths. But you don't - and never will - get it. People don't care about bigger economic bullshit theories when they can't make ends meet, when they can't put dinner on the table. They just want a damn job.

And you haven't done a damn thing to help those people.

As a matter of fact, you haven't even offered them a way to communicate with you.

My Personal Red Ring: Xbox 360 - Error 74

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane

I was playing Fallout3 (see my Dogmeat rantamble here), and after clearing out a cave of Raiders and getting to looting the place and taking a nap, everything went Matrix on me, but red, and with lots of dots instead of the green characters. Ghosts of the action before me still remained, but none nearly visible enough to continue. Woah! I reset.

Then the flashing red light you see above. But hey, at least it's not the Red Ring of Death! Right? Wrong. MS places it straight:

While the majority of Xbox 360 owners continue to have a great experience with their console, we are aware that a very small percentage of our customers have reported receiving an error that displays “E74” on their screen. After investigating the issue, we have determined that the E74 error message can indicate the general hardware failure that is associated with three flashing red lights error on the console.

So my error and my "Oh, at least it's not the ring!" are all for nothing. And by "majority" they apparently mean "more than 50%." My research shows Microsoft is busting out repairs on an extended 3 year warranty for a possible 30% of customers who purchased an Xbox 360.

So you give me a free shipping label to fix a problem you KNEW about when I bought your system? P'sha!

I'd like 5000 points to go with the fact that I have to ship my system to you to get fixed, leaving me without the product I purchased.

Microsoft, you are a douche. And you're short-selling your clientelle. And you need to make amends. Even now, when the fervor of the red ring has died down, it still lives. It lives in every box that has been purchased. Even though you put out your statement in 2007 that you made changes, you're still sucking something hard because obviously the purchase I made a year ago was not iron-clad to your supposed changes.

This is bad business. I'll post it on my other blog too.

And I'll send in my Box with box and packing that I must pay for. And I'll call customer service every single day to find out when I'm getting it back and what credits I might expect.

I'll report back.

And my daughter just bought me Dead Rising. And even if I could play it, I just found out I can't read any of the text in the game: was optimized for HD.

Asshats. I'll let you know.

Spaceport America: Are We That Cool?

This is Spaceport America:



Are we ready for this?

Are we ready for landings?

Martin Jetpack: 90 Seconds of Untouchable Awesome

That's right folks, not for another year or so:



I keep thinking he's going to land feet first with the momentum still carrying the pack forward as the engine throttle is released, crushing him into meatbag mash.

Of course, then he would re-animate and we'd have a jet-pack zombie, which is deliciously horrifying.

Stereographic Tokyo Photography

Trippy, beautiful, magical. Go full screen and put on a helmet - this will blow your mind. Click and drag to navigate. Warning: motion sickness may ensue. Originally snagged from BoingBoing Gadgets.


Sangaku-tei in Japan

Vince from ShamWoW for Slap Chop - Yes!

Vince from ShamWoW is back, but this time he's selling us a Slap Chop that comes with a free Graty. After the video I go into a brief analysis of this commercial as though critiquing a director or artist. If the idea of that makes you kinda want to vomit, even if it's tongue-and-cheek, I would advise avoidance.



Overall, I like it. But I don't think it delivers like the first one did. ShamWoW had a raw, gritty edge, like Hammas tossed Vince into a bright studio, took of his blindfold, turned on the camera and said "Sell!" It was real. Slap Chop is a little too overproduced. The overdub on ShamWoW "this lasts 10 years" was endearing because of how obvious it was, but Slap Chop's got overdubs tossed in to try to be cute. I'd call this a textbook sophomore effort but with a touch of lost charm the way I lost my love of Dashboard Confessional when he got signed.

But I did say I liked it. It was still Vince, still his charm, even if the scripting is apparent this time around. He references himself with a slight mug to the camera how he "can't do this all day," but the best line by far is "You're gonna love my nuts." Just kind of catches you off guard.

Sophomoric, but enjoyable if you're a fan. Looking forward to more of his work.

Oh, and I almost forgot. I'm going to have to get one of those Slap Chops myself. I had the original tool from Pampered Chef, but put the plastic piece on the bottom of the dishwasher and now it works kind of retarded. Go Slap Chop!

Phillips Daylight Window

This isn't brand spanking new, but it made me happy today:

Time for Jesus (or Hamsters): Walk on Water!

Again, from DVICE:

Indiana Jones Bracelet

Ever get in a fix where a 20 foot 550lb cable would save your life? Think that might happen in the future? Buy this.

The Survival Bracelet is made up of 15 to 20 feet of 550-pound test paracord. If you ever need it, simply unravel it and use the hook that's on one end. When you're done, you can send it back in to the manufacturer and they're rewind it back into a bracelet for you. Not a bad accessory for the adventurer on the go.

From DVICE.

The One Machine

The One Machine

"Danger, Will Robin- hhhkkkth..."

"Resistance is futile."

Every computer will one day be a part of the collective; they will one day surpass the collective brainpower of humanity; they will be connected by the internet.

Forget SkyNet. Hell, even SkyNet only jacked a (all) military computer(s) [omg - can't wait for season 2 of Sarah Connor Chronicles!]. When we get to the One Machine, should it gain consciousness, we will be done. Even now, most of humanity's records could be wiped out by well-placed EMPs.

But, I guess by then - hell, even now we're so intertwined with tech and the internet and servers that we're already co-habitating, already symbiotic. End the internet and we're chewing sticks and shooting each other for ...those sticks. Or canned food, for a while. Then twinkies.

Stock up on duct tape. Guns. Melee weapons...

Fire Footbag Fun

Why hasn't anyone tried to marry footbags and fire before now?



Danger + fun = super fun! No, really. I want one.

Freedom Footbags via DVICE.

Fake TV

Basically, LEDs make burglars think you're watching TV during every second of darkness. It's fucking brilliant.

FakeTV via DVICE

Mario Key Party!

If you're a subscriber to Game Informer, you also get Game Infarcer. From the world of Mario:

We all know that the Mario gang has some of the wildest parties in the industry, but Key Party takes the gang into some saucy new territory. Hey, we all know things can get a little boring in a long-term relationship (Toad and Yoshi have been domestic partners since '92), so why not spice things up with some gameplay that puts a new spin on the term "multiplayer?" Using the Wii remote to select a key from the fishbowl, you'll find out who you'll be hooking up with for the evening. From there, let's just say things ge interesting, and feature some motion control moves we never thought we'd see.

From Princess Peach to Kirby, the whole crew takes it to the next level in this one, and we even find out that some Nintendo heroes we thought we knew had some definite skeletons in their closet. Hey, has anyone seen Link and Wario? Wonder where they went off to...

Now that's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Ironic Sans - Bulbdial Clock

This is a brilliant idea from Ironic Sans, and I would buy one in a second.

The Bulbdial Clock has no hands — just one pole in the center of the clock, and three light sources of varying heights which revolve around the pole casting shadows. In the model illustrated above, the light sources are each attached to a ring which rotates around the pole. The innermost ring rotates once per minute, casting a “second hand” shadow. The middle ring rotates once per hour, and casts the “minute hand” shadow. And the outer ring rotates once every 12 hours, casting the “little hand” shadow.

(h/t to Bad Astronomy for the tip)

Too Late for Blu-ray?

For those of you following the happenings in the HD wars, HD-DVD lost, Blu-ray won.

What does that mean? Well, here's a surprisingly realistic opinion:

Laurie Fincham, Chief Scientist at THX, talks to Home Cinema Choice Magazine about Blu-ray's chances to become a dominant format of the future.

After HD DVDs demise the UK Magazine asked him for a comment. "Personally, I think it's too late for Blu-ray. I think consumers will only become interested in replacing DVD when HD movies becomes available on flash memory. Do we really need another spinning format?" he told the magazine.

No, I guess we really don't. If you've made the leap to HDTV, then you can get HD programming through your cable or satellite provider, should you subscribe. But shucking out several hundred dollars for a player to see a movie in High Def? Pshah!

And I'm not getting the $500 PS3 (because who's going to buy the cheaper one that's not backwards-compatible with the PS2?) for the PS upgrade and included Blu-ray. I think, unless prices come way the hell down, I'll be sitting this one out and await the super-huge solid state version.

G4: Morgan Webb or Olivia Munn?

I've been privy to the joys of the G4 channel for only about 8 months, but oh, joys there are. My two favorite shows on the deliciously hip/techie/nerdy channel are X-Play (although I preferred the simplicity of the old, game-core, version before the G4 powers that be decided that is should be a mini-AOTS) and Attack of the Show.

Some (stereotypical) men love Pamela Anderson or are hot on Catherine Zeta Jones. As far as movies go, I'm enamored with Christina Ricci. But we're talking about G4, and I don't think anyone, stereotypical or not, can argue with the delicious gamer and tech intellect paired with smokin' hot looks of Morgan Webb and Olivia Munn.



And I can't even remotely decide.

Could I have left the Webb/Munn question alone? Could I have posted images that were respectable as opposed to the FHM/Maxim/Whatever layouts? Sure. But then it wouldn't be as hot.

As the construct of my sentences reflects, the hottest thing about these women is their brains. Their penchant for tech. But being easy on the eyes doesn't hurt either.

What're your thoughts?

UPDATE: Taking into account a level of respect for these women, here they are sans exploitation, avec their respective co-hosts (see comments for full 'splainin'):






Ladies, please allow me to make some sort of amends for this phallocentric post: My eye candy and yours, David Duchovny.



...and for Frieda Bee: it's pretty difficult to find David Duchovny in his skivvies. Actually, damn near impossible. This is about as close as it gets.

2008 Scion Hako Coupe

From MSN Autos:



I don't usually get all excited about cars, but I think I just tinkled in my pants a little.

Navy Invents New Way of Killing People

Holy shit.

Electromagnetic railguns mounted on U.S. naval vessels will use electricity to launch projectiles farther and faster than any ship in today's fleet. When fully operational, the electromagnetic railgun (EMRG) will:

• Deliver hypervelocity projectiles at Mach 5 on impact in support of Marines and ground forces.
• Strike within 5 meters of a pinpointed target from distances in excess of 200 nautical miles.
• Maximize damage through kinetic energy from longer range while minimizing risks to crews and ships.

Tested on 1/31/08: Fired at 2,520 meters per second, the shot generated 10.64mj of muzzle energy.

From Navy, DVICE.

Wi-Fi Tee From Heaven

I'm a little bit of a geek. Okay, I'm a rather big geek. Which is why this tee from Think Geek is something I will probably own very, very soon.

Here at ThinkGeek we're pretty lazy when it comes to technology. We expect our gadgets to do all the busywork while we focus on the high level important tasks like reading blogs. That's why we hate to have to crack open our laptops just to see if there is any wi-fi internet access about... and keychain wi-fi detectors, we would have to actually remove them from our pockets to look at them. But now thanks to the ingenious ThinkGeek robot monkeys you can display the current wi-fi signal strength to yourself and everyone around you with this stylish Wi-Fi Detector Shirt. The glowing bars on the front of the shirt dynamically change as the surrounding wi-fi signal strength fluctuates. Finally you can get the attention you deserve as others bow to you as their reverential wi-fi god, while geeky chicks swoon at your presence. You can thank us later.

Amen.