John Boehner's a Dick

Today POTUS Barry-O was on teh Twitter answering questions in a town hall format. It was cute. It was quaint. It was for the kids ...until the kids' drunk uncle stumbled in about 10:40am.

Everyone pivoted just in time to see Speaker Boehner, cradling a magnum of Turning Leaf Merlot, stumble into the room. "Hay! Hay!" sputtered Boehner. "Where's the jobs! Hahaha!" *hic*

"If you'll wait just a moment John--"

"No. No, Mobama! I said werer the jobs? Huh? Why you so mean to the jobs?" at which point he collapsed into weeping pile on the floor and people tried not to stare.

Okay, so all that just kinda happened virtually. Seriously. In the middle of Obama's tech-savvy town hall, Boehner - instead of keeping quiet - decided to troll the event like a bratty kid who just got his internet limited by his mommy. Or he had Merlot for breakfast. Either or. Total dick move.




ROUND 2!

Take a look at the screenshot above. Boehner hits off the mid-tirade with a snicker and a RT from AFLCIO, the Union Movement. Because Boehner thinks it's funny that the Unions are wondering where the jobs are too. Yay! Everybody hates Obama! Republicans Win!

Not so fast, B. Turns out AFLCIO, probably a little more savvy than Boehner on teh Twitter, notice him using them and take a couple hits back.



Personally, I like "Where are the jobs? Answer: Not in House Republican Budget" Unsurprisingly, none of this activity was acknowledged by Speaker Boehner.


Keep it classy, you lying, corporate whore.


[SIDENOTE:
If you're unfamiliar with Twitter, the hashtags exist so you can search by a hashtag and follow a stream of tweets. For instance, #AskObama search would allow you to follow - and check out at a later time - questions and answers from today's event. Hyperlinks go to the Twitter search for each hashtag.

#AskObama - designated for today's event
#jobs - This is generally related to job offerings and proof Boehner knows not what he does.
#p2 - progressives 2.0, progressives on Twitter
#u1 - union workers/supporters]

Pat Robertson is an Ignorant Moron

What does Pat Roberston say in light of NY's awesome legalization of gay marriage?



Pat is a poor, ignorant fool.

The actual reason God destroyed the original Twin Cities was because of the worst of the social sins at that time: failure of hospitality.

SO please, Pat. Burn your stupid and hope you can still function. Otherwise, just go away.

More HATE from Ohio :)

You know what's scary? Illegal immigrants. You know what you're forgetting to be frightened of, what group is stealing jobs from real Americans? That's right: Legal immigrants.

This commercial showed up on Ohio airwaves a couple weeks ago.



Doesn't take a digital forensics degree to find this group, The Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), are the folks that brought you Arizona's SB1070 and were branded by the Southern Poverty Law Center in 2007 as a hate group.

So while the conservative no-job, no-idea train keeps a'drivin' forward to keep feeding the corporate machine and indoctrinate America with racism and destroy farming economies of entire states, be very very aware that the next tier of the bigotry "scared of the others" battle takes place on the backs of American Citizens who didn't happen to be born here.

Star Wars Blueprints: DO WANT

Bad news? Limited to 5000 copies, $500 pricetag. Starts shipping in September, so get on the stick if you want one at their website.

You Have Something More Important You Should Be Doing

Almost 14 billion years ago, you were born. The Big Bang, plasma coalescing into particles, suns born and dying to create heavier elements that eventually built the framework of galaxies and the solar system and the big rock we call Earth. About 4.5 billion years ago that last bit happened and through upheavals in astronomical collisions and a Goldilocks placement and evolution from single-celled masses, life was born. 65 million years ago, a journey began that turned mammals into you. Right there. Now. A human being, reading these words.

The entirity of existence has conspired to put you right there. Right now.

You probably have more important things to be doing than reading this.

Go do it.


Yours Truly,
Ricky


(sorry, having a moment. but seriously, go do it.)

The Republican Terror Looms

No, I don't mean Republicans have suddenly found weaving as a pasttime. I'm saying that - news to none, unfortunately - the group of "candidates" we saw for the GOP last night was a terrifying spectacle.

Here's the highlights:

• Everything Obama did is WRONG
• Obama continues to seek to destroy American jobs and freedom and people
• Republicans have, like, ideas!

All three of these points are lies.

Cherry on top last night is Batshit Bachmann entered the race. Just another reason for ignorant Republicans to claim both: 1) This female candidate is qualified AND 2) Democrats actually hate women and can't deal with female success.

Sorry Repubs: it's not a level of intelligence we're scrutinizing but a bottom-floor base of human competency.

This election is going to be the most horrid example of the American Election process most of us have ever seen. And for what it will reveal about the soul-less monsters we call conservatives, I personally welcome it.

Angry Hobos Unite!

Looking at DVD releases that came out this weekend, I saw this:


Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo buys a gun and goes on vigilante mission. (Rutger Hauer, Gregory Smith, Brian Downey)


Hahaha! Rutger Hauer's a hobo! Really, though, who says "hobo" anymore? Though I guess "Homeless Guy with a Shotgun" or "Transient with a Shotgun" doesn't have the zip that "Hobo" does.

Wait, how did the hobo earn the money? Can you beg enough to feed yourself and your alcohol addiction and your occasional weed habit AND regularly tuck enough away to purchase a firearm? Does a background check bypass not having a residence? Does "Shitty maroon traincar with dick spraypainted on the outside in white" count?

Shit.

Now I'm going to have to see this.

Lawns. WTF?

Fuckin' Magnets, how do they work?



I started this with a little ICP because: Lawns - WTF?

Ever turn around and see something so normal and think "WTF?"

I have a lawn in the back and a lawn in the front. In general, un-abused nature, these should be small meadows. But American (+ other countries) general wisdom is that this patch of plant, when trimmed properly with a machine that eats gas, is a wonderful, beautiful, necessary part of living in a house.

(Granted, in water-poor areas, dirt and stone is fine.)

It wastes water, it wastes fuel, it adds to our garbage if bagged.

What the hell are we doing?

Why am I growing a lawn in my front yard? Why am I feeding it to make it grow and hacking the shit out of it every week or two to make it "pretty?"

I propose every lawn in America be killed and turned into a rock or sand or dirt pile in order to preserve the water we DO have at this time. To reduce the amount of pesticides and other chemicals we regularly dump into our ground water.

And then I could focus on more important things like if Weiner's cock shot is real or not.


Fuckin' lawns, how do they work?


Well, ICP, they work by eating our resources for a stupid show of vanity.

Sarah Palin's Paul Revere History Lesson

I wish this was a joke. She is, but it is not. This is as real as it gets.

Pull My Weiner

Not me, credit in the image. Brilliant.

Pledge of Allegiance - Whitest Kids Y'Know

Assassin's Creed Anagram

Looking at this, I was inspired to do some video game anagram action.



Amen.

Michelle, Ma Afro...

Not-Gout Strikes Back. And the Winner is...

For those of you who have been poking around my blog (stop it! it tickles!) as far back as August of 2009 may remember when I had the battle with something that followed textbook gout.

Quick summary: within 24 hours my left big toe joint went from stiff to immobile and excruciating just to touch and I was a limping, whiny mess. I toughed it out for a couple days, resorted to using the broke-foot boot I still have from college, and when I got to the doc and the labs came back: not gout because my uric acid wasn't high enough, it was lasting too long, and the swelling wasn't huge.

That was my GP.

FF to yesterday where that thing I just said happened again to my right big toe. This time I went right away to a Orthopedic surgeon with a podiatry focus. And what did he say? Um, totally gout. Blood uric acid levels can be misleading and swelling varies by person.

And he stuck a needle in the joint and filled it with cortisone. That sucked.

So, we're going to revise my 2009 experience to say: WAS gout. And now I've got it again. Hopefully for less time, and hopefully with the clear memory of holding my head in a pain that bent my sanity at 3am as impetus to make some dietary and lifestyle changes.

Yay gout!

Your Baby (Phone) Can Swear!

Let's take a break from politics and have a delicious laugh, shall we? The guy I got this from on Facebook had it titled "There must be 3 guys in a pub working on stuff like this full time." Absolutely.

Do The Trump Hair Lash! Devil!

While the Colossus of Trump may be attacked directly, his wisps of hair hold the key to his destruction and are grouped and randomly assigned +30 Undead (weakness:fire), +50 Rich (weakness:steal), +20 Vanity (weakness:female attack), respectively.


Trump. Ah, Trump. No runny, no winny. But we already knew that. Everyone did except for the ebb/tide morons (*cough* *tea party*) who cheered him on because they both recognized and remembered his name. Here's how the drama unfolded:

1. Trump announces he's exploring running.
2. The right entertains it.
3. The left finds it entertaining.
4. Trump goes all batshit Birther.
5. For the most part, the Fox/Hannity right back him.
6. The left finds it entertaining.
7. Trump pushes forward in his Obama callout.
8. Obama smacks down his birth certificate.
9. The right kinda edge off a bit.
10. Trump congratulates himself.
11. Obama smacks down Trump on CSPAN.
12. The right aren't really considering Trump a serious candidate.
13. The left is all "Ooh, snap, bitch!"
14. Right is all: Okay, so what do we do if he really runs?
15. Trump says he's not really running.
16. The left is not surprised.
17. The right says "It's because of left wing attacks!"

So, "right" you had a horse in the race, then you kinda didn't, then you had a dog in the race, then you thought you might because others weren't looking so good, then Trump bowed out like every sane person knew he would, and now: Liburlz sux!

Anyone surprised?

For anyone making the connection between this conservative absurdity and their call that science is religion for liberals, here's the other end: For conservatives, politics is religion; Republicans are God, Liberals are Satan.

Like God, if a Republican says something and does something else, they're testing us, or testing themselves. They mean to do well and will if given the chance against ...Satan! Liberals won't do a damn thing right and if they do, well they're just trying to seduce you so you die and go to hell.

Luckily, in the conservative world, they can claim ownership over the Bible and the flag and honor neither. Which kind of speaks to the Deceiver.

No wonder everyone's so confused...

Cum Bubbles & Cat Pee: Ah, the Smells of Spring!

I've already written about the natural odors of semen and cat piss that accost me every Spring, so I won't got into all the details of self-discovery, but here's the skinny:


Juniper

This time of year I am overwhelmed with the smell of feline urine, like a poorly maintained litter box, and in this weather it's like a poorly maintained litter box in a warm, damp basement. I have discovered it comes from the Juniper, the fuzzy-looking bush that can grow narrow and tall or low and creeping. And I am apparently one of the very few people whose nose so knows the smell in quite that way. I've found about half a dozen online, but my family thinks I'm a little mad because they don't sense a thing.


Bradford Pear

And every once in a while, if I'm lucky, I get a chance to whiff something familiar, though not something you'd expect while walking about or driving, like getting my nose rubbed into a wet dream: semen. This comes from the Bradford Pear Tree, and appears to be a much more common recognition than the Juniper cat pee connection.

So there you go. That's my olfactory experience of Spring. Every year. Yum!

Guns, Guns, Guns!

Hey, if you've got a good blog and I don't TOTALLY disagree with you and you're not trying to spam, and have something relevant for me to share with my readers, I'm happy to do it. Yay!

So today we've got http://mikeb302000.blogspot.com/ and Mike B talks, for the most part, about gun control - and our need for more. That makes me happy. And he's been at it since '08! Nice.

So take a look at his place, see what you think, comment there, comment here.

Incidentally, the title of this post is the title of an audio parody I'm working on for a gun show commercial. Seriously, folks: gun shows - WTF?

Miller Lite Thunder Thighs!

So I was on Pandora today and when it stopped after my Death Cab and I went to the window to click Yes, I'm Still Listening, I saw this:



Haha, okay, so silly Miller Lite - OH MY GOD! What in the name of all things holy?! From whence comes the flesh, woman? Whence?

Because I saw this:




...so. Either my graphics background kicked in or I've got a thing for ladies with giant, muscular thighs. Or, something.

People Teeth in a Fish

This is a sheephead.



Aah! People teeth!