Lawns. WTF?

Fuckin' Magnets, how do they work?



I started this with a little ICP because: Lawns - WTF?

Ever turn around and see something so normal and think "WTF?"

I have a lawn in the back and a lawn in the front. In general, un-abused nature, these should be small meadows. But American (+ other countries) general wisdom is that this patch of plant, when trimmed properly with a machine that eats gas, is a wonderful, beautiful, necessary part of living in a house.

(Granted, in water-poor areas, dirt and stone is fine.)

It wastes water, it wastes fuel, it adds to our garbage if bagged.

What the hell are we doing?

Why am I growing a lawn in my front yard? Why am I feeding it to make it grow and hacking the shit out of it every week or two to make it "pretty?"

I propose every lawn in America be killed and turned into a rock or sand or dirt pile in order to preserve the water we DO have at this time. To reduce the amount of pesticides and other chemicals we regularly dump into our ground water.

And then I could focus on more important things like if Weiner's cock shot is real or not.


Fuckin' lawns, how do they work?


Well, ICP, they work by eating our resources for a stupid show of vanity.

Sarah Palin's Paul Revere History Lesson

I wish this was a joke. She is, but it is not. This is as real as it gets.

Pull My Weiner

Not me, credit in the image. Brilliant.

Pledge of Allegiance - Whitest Kids Y'Know

Assassin's Creed Anagram

Looking at this, I was inspired to do some video game anagram action.



Amen.

Michelle, Ma Afro...

Not-Gout Strikes Back. And the Winner is...

For those of you who have been poking around my blog (stop it! it tickles!) as far back as August of 2009 may remember when I had the battle with something that followed textbook gout.

Quick summary: within 24 hours my left big toe joint went from stiff to immobile and excruciating just to touch and I was a limping, whiny mess. I toughed it out for a couple days, resorted to using the broke-foot boot I still have from college, and when I got to the doc and the labs came back: not gout because my uric acid wasn't high enough, it was lasting too long, and the swelling wasn't huge.

That was my GP.

FF to yesterday where that thing I just said happened again to my right big toe. This time I went right away to a Orthopedic surgeon with a podiatry focus. And what did he say? Um, totally gout. Blood uric acid levels can be misleading and swelling varies by person.

And he stuck a needle in the joint and filled it with cortisone. That sucked.

So, we're going to revise my 2009 experience to say: WAS gout. And now I've got it again. Hopefully for less time, and hopefully with the clear memory of holding my head in a pain that bent my sanity at 3am as impetus to make some dietary and lifestyle changes.

Yay gout!

Your Baby (Phone) Can Swear!

Let's take a break from politics and have a delicious laugh, shall we? The guy I got this from on Facebook had it titled "There must be 3 guys in a pub working on stuff like this full time." Absolutely.

Do The Trump Hair Lash! Devil!

While the Colossus of Trump may be attacked directly, his wisps of hair hold the key to his destruction and are grouped and randomly assigned +30 Undead (weakness:fire), +50 Rich (weakness:steal), +20 Vanity (weakness:female attack), respectively.


Trump. Ah, Trump. No runny, no winny. But we already knew that. Everyone did except for the ebb/tide morons (*cough* *tea party*) who cheered him on because they both recognized and remembered his name. Here's how the drama unfolded:

1. Trump announces he's exploring running.
2. The right entertains it.
3. The left finds it entertaining.
4. Trump goes all batshit Birther.
5. For the most part, the Fox/Hannity right back him.
6. The left finds it entertaining.
7. Trump pushes forward in his Obama callout.
8. Obama smacks down his birth certificate.
9. The right kinda edge off a bit.
10. Trump congratulates himself.
11. Obama smacks down Trump on CSPAN.
12. The right aren't really considering Trump a serious candidate.
13. The left is all "Ooh, snap, bitch!"
14. Right is all: Okay, so what do we do if he really runs?
15. Trump says he's not really running.
16. The left is not surprised.
17. The right says "It's because of left wing attacks!"

So, "right" you had a horse in the race, then you kinda didn't, then you had a dog in the race, then you thought you might because others weren't looking so good, then Trump bowed out like every sane person knew he would, and now: Liburlz sux!

Anyone surprised?

For anyone making the connection between this conservative absurdity and their call that science is religion for liberals, here's the other end: For conservatives, politics is religion; Republicans are God, Liberals are Satan.

Like God, if a Republican says something and does something else, they're testing us, or testing themselves. They mean to do well and will if given the chance against ...Satan! Liberals won't do a damn thing right and if they do, well they're just trying to seduce you so you die and go to hell.

Luckily, in the conservative world, they can claim ownership over the Bible and the flag and honor neither. Which kind of speaks to the Deceiver.

No wonder everyone's so confused...

Cum Bubbles & Cat Pee: Ah, the Smells of Spring!

I've already written about the natural odors of semen and cat piss that accost me every Spring, so I won't got into all the details of self-discovery, but here's the skinny:


Juniper

This time of year I am overwhelmed with the smell of feline urine, like a poorly maintained litter box, and in this weather it's like a poorly maintained litter box in a warm, damp basement. I have discovered it comes from the Juniper, the fuzzy-looking bush that can grow narrow and tall or low and creeping. And I am apparently one of the very few people whose nose so knows the smell in quite that way. I've found about half a dozen online, but my family thinks I'm a little mad because they don't sense a thing.


Bradford Pear

And every once in a while, if I'm lucky, I get a chance to whiff something familiar, though not something you'd expect while walking about or driving, like getting my nose rubbed into a wet dream: semen. This comes from the Bradford Pear Tree, and appears to be a much more common recognition than the Juniper cat pee connection.

So there you go. That's my olfactory experience of Spring. Every year. Yum!

Guns, Guns, Guns!

Hey, if you've got a good blog and I don't TOTALLY disagree with you and you're not trying to spam, and have something relevant for me to share with my readers, I'm happy to do it. Yay!

So today we've got http://mikeb302000.blogspot.com/ and Mike B talks, for the most part, about gun control - and our need for more. That makes me happy. And he's been at it since '08! Nice.

So take a look at his place, see what you think, comment there, comment here.

Incidentally, the title of this post is the title of an audio parody I'm working on for a gun show commercial. Seriously, folks: gun shows - WTF?

Miller Lite Thunder Thighs!

So I was on Pandora today and when it stopped after my Death Cab and I went to the window to click Yes, I'm Still Listening, I saw this:



Haha, okay, so silly Miller Lite - OH MY GOD! What in the name of all things holy?! From whence comes the flesh, woman? Whence?

Because I saw this:




...so. Either my graphics background kicked in or I've got a thing for ladies with giant, muscular thighs. Or, something.

People Teeth in a Fish

This is a sheephead.



Aah! People teeth!

Deer in the Headlights

Levi Johnston's new book cover has been released.



And I so wish I were joking. I am not.

Motherlover - Lonely Island

Happy Early Mother's Day!



Susan Sarandon & Patricia Clarkson, well, they are totally hot...

Dear Sophie - Chrome Commercial

Saw this on TV just now and kinda lost it. Jesus, man.



Told you.

Right Wing Logic: Nuh-uuuuuuh!

I heard some conservative asshat on Hannity yesterday arguing that we killed bin Laden and now we have to hunt down every single person in the world who threatens the USA and do the same to them. The liberal (rational) counter argument was that killing one spawns another and another and another kill order to an absurd degree. She was labeled crazy by both the conservative woman and Hannity.

Reminded me of a conversation I had while riding in the car with my parents as a child, though the exact context escapes me. It went something like this:

ME: Well, what if I want the cookie?
MOM: You can't have it.
ME: Maybe I'll just take it.
MOM: Maybe we'll call the police.
ME: Then I'll beat up the police.
MOM: They'll send more police.
ME: I'll beat them up too.
MOM: Then they'll send police from other states.
ME: Beat 'em up.
MOM: Then they'll send the army.
ME: And I'll beat 'em up. I'll beat up the whole world.
MOM: Then they'll call God and you'll go to hell.
ME: Okay. Nevermind.

At a VERY remedial level, how does a self-proclaimed Christian who readily demonizes an entire religion based on a couple radicals justify their own Christianity while calling for the normalized assassination of all enemies of America? Um, if she was in any other country she'd be on our terrorist watch list.

It's Van Mural Time Again!

No better way to take a break from the stupid of government and politics than to have a Van Mural Day.




I don't know if you can make it out, but that is in fact Legolas tearing through the fabric of reality ...but only on the van.




Chess is a game of ...van murals?




Mom! Tell the Duke to stop hogging my van!

Ah, That Old God & Gays Argument...

Oh, hells yeah. Could someone put this right-headed thought and concern upon every politician in America? (God? I'm lookin' at you! Shit. That's just the bathroom mirror.)



Representative Steve Simon (DFL Hopkins/St. Louis Park) says a proposed Minnesota constitutional amendment is largely about religion. He says if sexual orientation is innate as science is showing us, and not a lifestyle choice, then God created gay people. He asks how many gay people must God create before we accept that he wants them around.

Conservative America Reacts (pt.1, I'm sure)

Osama bin Laden is dead. The USA killed him. We have his body (well, the USA, not, like, at my house).

Pretty sweet news, and while I think Obama should get the cred (as Bush had so many years to do so), I'm expecting a flush of Fox cred for Bush for this as though he were still prez and #winning.

But almost 2 hours after the announcement, and I've been living on the TV and Twitter and FB and someone I follow posted this (I reversed it from the bottom-up feed, so the top was written first - less than 10 minutes from the second).



Shit, man. Is this - WTF? This is your first seal, readers. While knee-jerk reaction is "Obama wins!" it just means it has to get even uglier for them to properly defame him. Strap in. It gonna get stupid(er).