Ultimates! Ricky's Fav Movies & Music

I'm feeling a little brash today, a little like sticking it out there and just declaring once and for all that I do have a favorite, and ultimate of some for or another. So let's get this over with.

Favorite Song: White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane




Funniest Animated Show Ever: Frisky Dingo




Funniest Movie Ever: BASEketball




Favorite Movie: True Romance




There we go. I feel better.

Van Mural Danger Down: Red & Ice Cream!

Because nothing says "Check out my pimp rims!" like a children's fairy tale.



And this van either sells ice cream or rape. I guess it could be both.

This week's apparent theme: luring children into dangerous situations. How unfortunate.

Drunk Lady + Dogs + Parrots = Ohio

I'd say "Only in Cincinnati" but I think you can probably find such absurdity Ohio-wide.

From cincinnati.com:

MIDDLETOWN - Over the incessant barking of half a dozen small dogs, Sgt. Steve Ream couldn't believe what he saw inside a Beech Street house.


On a bed with the dogs was a woman, with "one large white parrot... standing on her forehead, biting her in the face. There was another smaller bird on her chest."

This was in addition to as many as 10 cages with other birds, all of them squawking and causing the dogs to bark. The woman appeared to be so intoxicated, Ream said, "that she could not remove the bird off her face."

The Friday night run started as a domestic disturbance, a man and a wife who had been drinking and arguing so loudly that neighbors had gotten involved.

Ream then took Janice McCoy-Nuttle, 49, to the front porch, because "I couldn't understand what she was trying to say due to the dogs barking and other noise."

She denied that her husband, Kevin Nuttle, who was outside the house with a bleeding ear, had been assaulted.

It would have ended there, Ream wrote in his report, but McCoy-Nuttle got angry at her husband, swore at him and threw an inhaler at him, nearly striking the officer.

Ream then put her in the back of his cruiser, and wrote that she kicked at the windows and banged her head on the bars. At the police station, where she had to be restrained, she was charged with disorderly conduct with intoxication.

The couple had been celebrating Nuttle's return after four months on the road as a truck driver.

McCoy-Nuttle was later found guilty in Middletown Municipal Court and fined $240.

Popehat! Turning Wording into Whine

Last week, many people - including myself - were up in arms about the Comedy Central bullshit where they censored not only the "image" of Mohammed, but in part 2 (episode 201), bleeped every time the name Mohammed was used bleeped over the entire final speech. (Even though Season 5's "Super Best Friends" can still be found with a normally-illustrated Mohammed and no fanfare whatsoever - but that was before 9/11 when the terrorists apparently did win 'cause dey scurred us.)



And everybody, especially the Christians, were outraged at the double standard imposed in the world of religion.



One guy I heard on one of my right-wing AM masochism sessions actually said "Islam is the only religion you can't make fun of."

Yeah, so fuck that, right? Everyone else has a great sense of humor, let's it roll off their back like piss on a duck, right?



Not so fast there, Catholics. A fake memo, circulated by a 23-year old satirist - admittedly as a joke - is getting a lot of attention this week. What was in it?

The memorandum, apparently written by staff planning events for the four-day visit by Pope Benedict XVI, suggested he might like to start a helpline for abused children, sack "dodgy" bishops, open an abortion ward, launch his own brand of condoms, preside at a civil partnership, perform forward rolls with children, apologise for the Spanish armada and sing a song with the Queen.

And the Pope flipped the fuck out in usual sanctimonious bullshit mode. The tempest in a teacup was jumped on by all the Catholic myrmidons in the western world and called anything from "despicable" to "a foolish document." The Pope's visit to the UK is in jeopardy and the Vatican wants to know why no one's been sacked yet.



Oh, for fuck's sake! I agree that death threats over depictions of Mohammed, innocuous or not, are total bullshit. But you, you hypocritical Catholics, glom on to that bullhorn in one breath and in the very next are calling for the hounds of hell to pluck this satire-driven man from the face of the earth for comments that oscillate between mildly humorous and trite!

So the WTF Award goes to the Pope. Again. Though this whole thing could've been a bit of a ruse to kill the UK trip all together. Everyone knows Richard Dawkins is going to arrest the Pope as soon as he sets foot in the UK. You know, that whole religion-wide molestation coverup thing?


And one last note on the Mohammed South Park debacle. It's prompted at least one cartoonist to declare May 20th, 2010 "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" in defense of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.



However, following the mad viral reaction of the internets over her cartoon, has disassociated herself with the movement and the cartoon, and many links can be found in this story from Facebook groups to where to submit your drawing for May 20.

I'll be posting my own graven image and encourage you to do the same. Maybe one of Jesus too. And the Pope. And Krishna. And Buddha. Then it's fair ;)

Phallic Blog Award Question

If I started handing out blogging awards that said

I'd Fuck Your Blog With My Own Dick

Do you think there would be clamoring?

Yeah, you're right. I guess it would depend on the badge design. I'll work on that. I'd stick with initial caps, though.

Weekly Van Mural Never Ends!

(an don't overlook the license plate or crafted bumper...)



...c'mon now - you don't think I'd leave you hangin' do you? Here's the full splendor!





They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they?

Sea Lion v. Octopus

I guess today is all for Cal. Enjoy!

A Cave Girl for a Friend

I ran into this image today and it's called "Cave Girl" by Calvin Wong, a San Fran illustrator.

And I immediately thought "Cave? Calvin? Perfect!" This one's for you, Cal.

Ground Control to Major Tom

No, exactly what you might think. Look how young Davie is!

Monday Jesus: The Beatles!, Ugly Army, Turin Turnin'

Beatles and Satan

The Beatles, this week, got a nod from the Vatican:

Offering the band complete absolution, the article, entitled Seven Years That Shook Music, L’Osservatore Romano said: “Its true they took drugs, lived life to excess because of their success, even said they were bigger than Jesus and put out mysterious messages, that were possibly even Satanic.

“They may not have been the best example for the youth of the day but they were by no means the worst. Their beautiful melodies changed music and continue to give pleasure.”

It went on: “Forty years later the Beatles still astound with their originality and they are a consolation against the continual assault on music lovers by the record industry.”

Someone's a fan. But does that sound back-handed to anyone?

Ehh...Satanic? No problem! They made good music! WTF?


End Times

Some folks think it's neigh. The END, that is. And the worst thing is that the article is written because these anti-gov't choads think it's so:



Wrong answer, Chris Kattan!


Turin in His Grave?

The Shroud of Turin is back on display. Yay! I mean, whatever. I'm going with fake. Durr.

Friday FAIL: Chatroulette, Fox Slip, Ballsmack

Chatroulette is a fail in itself in that you're going to generally see naked guys, sometimes jacking off. If you don't know about Chatroulette, the premise is simple: go to the site, link in your webcam and you are instantly and randomly joined with someone else in the world with a webcam. And you can chat with them.

Here's a couple guys doing some improv on Chatroulette because I didn't want to give you a video with a bunch of guys jacking off. If you want to see dicks, go to Chatroulette directly. It won't take long. I promise.




Screener Fail

And on Fox News of all things. Fun!




Double Skateboard FAIL



Ouch.

Who's Who of Asshat Liars

I was scanning through the Drudge Report today and one column of links struck me as quite funny:

GINGRICH: Obama 'most radical president ever'...

LIMBAUGH: Obama 'inflicting untold damage on this great country'...

MARK LEVIN: Civil disobedience is coming...

PALIN: Obama's Nuke Stance Like Kid Who Says 'Punch Me in Face'...

LIZ CHENEY: Obama Putting America on 'Path to Decline'...

HANNITY: Obama 'Is a Socialist'...

SAVAGE: 'Obama The Destroyer'...

Gingrich is the most sane of the band and the rest are known right wing radical news-spinners, liars, and/or absolutely nuts. I know Drudge is not now nor has he ever professed to be balanced about anything, but damn. I guess good on him for putting his ignorance and bias front and center.

This post brought to you by the number 0 and the letters F and U.


And completely unrelated was this other Drudge link:

Muslim woman strangled by her burkha in freak go-kart accident...

...which is why Muslim women shouldn't be driving in the first place. I thought they already had a law against that. Sheesh.

I Can See Batshit Crazy From My House

Palin-Bachmann 2012?

Holy fucking shit. Please. Please. Please.

Van Mural Wed, er Thursday: Horseys!

A horse is a horse of course, of course. That is of course unless the horse - is painted on the side of a freaking van. Then it's a vision.




And unrelated to my equine friend above, I found out today that by typing van mural in to Google Image Search, the header of Cause for Concern comes up on the second page. I'm doin' something right!

It's a Nice Day For a White (Trash) Wedding

Monday Jesus: The Cleveland Diocese FAIL

This has nothing to do with the Pope's sex scandal coverup, but it will make you angry if you are at all familiar with Catholicism. Or just hate stupid.

(Note: I am not nor have I ever been a member of St. Peter's. As soon as I heard the story, I did some hunting and digging to obtain the information presented here.)

Here's a story...

...of a few dozen Cleveland parishes (churches) that, because of the economic downturn and attendance downturn, had been ordained (no pun intended) to be unworthy of the Catholic Church's operating costs. In other words, despite historical significance or beauty of the building or the commitment of the congregation, several churches are just not pulling their weight. Here's a list of closed/closing churches, 30 in Cuyahoga County alone.

Bishop Dick


Bishop Richard Lennon: 'Heyyy..whaddya want from me? Salvation?'

Turns out that after a few churches had been officially closed by the diocese, word spread quickly that Bishop Richard Lennon was the diocesan form of Galactus, eater of worlds. The bishop would celebrate the final mass at the church and immediately afterwards made sure everyone was out of the building. Bodyguards by his side (I'm not kidding), generally with some or all of the congregation still lingering, Bishop Dick would drop a padlock on the front doors and - I'm guessing - laugh like a drunken Dr. Evil.

"Oh No You Di-int!?"

Some of the congregation of Historic St. Peter's Church in downtown Cleveland caught wind of this cruel / evil / inhumane / irreverent practice used to shut down churches and they got together and said they were going to boycott the April 11th closing mass. In order to maintain a place for congregation and fellowship and to continue the mission of the church, they rented a warehouse nearby.

Grumpy Dick

Bishop Richard caught wind of a slight scent of something that didn't smell overwhelmingly like money or obedience and sent every member of the congregation a letter of, well, I guess you'd call it a letter of disapproval with undertones of warning. Feel free to skim it, but here it is in its entirety and it's a right piece of scolding sanctimonious bullshit:

Dear -,

Because of the responsibility given to me as Bishop of the Diocese of Cleveland, I have taken difficult but necessary steps to ensure the vibrancy and vitality of our Diocese going forward. In order to provide for presence and pastoral care in an equitable manner throughout the Diocese, a number of beloved parishes are closing and others are merging so that the work of building the Kingdom of God in the Diocese of Cleveland will continue. The men and women who founded these parishes sacrificed much, giving out of want in order to build the Church in Cleveland. With the same sense of commitment to the Catholic faith that was shown by those who built our early parishes, we move forward in faith.

I encourage you as a parishioner of St. Peter Parish to look to the future with a renewed commitment to your Catholic identity and to register at another parish in the Diocese following the mass that I am scheduled to celebrate on 11 April 2010 at St. Peter Church. Much has been done through the efforts of your Pastor, Father Robert Marrone, and through the laity of St. Peter to provide outreach to the poor of Cleveland and presence and various forms of assistance to the young people in a local public school in Cleveland. While the physical edifice that is your parish church will close, you are encouraged to continue the good work done at St. Peter's by joining parishes with other Catholics in the Diocese.

To maintain communion in Christ with the pastors of the Church and with the faithful is one of the most serious obligations we have as Catholics. Lumen gentium, the Dogmatic Constitution of the Church promulgated by the Second Vatican Council, states that the baptized are in full communion with the Catholic Church when joined with Christ in its visible structure by the bonds of profession of faith, of the sacraments and ecclesiastical governance (LG, #14).

It is because of my concern for you and your salvation an for the good of the Church in Cleveland that I write this letter. It has been brought to my attention that there is a document on file with the Ohio Secretary of State establishing "The Community of St. Peter" and that space has been rented on Euclid Avenue in Cleveland under that name. Further, it is my understanding that the establishment of "The Community of St. Peter" and the new website that is under development by that community which "will soon house information on all of our new programs and serve as a primary communication tool in our new service organization," has created confusion among parishioners of St. Peter Parish.

Gleaning from information I have received, some see this as a way for the current parishioners to continue their good works in the city which I can support; others are wondering if this means they will be worshiping together at the new address.

It is my hope and my prayer that there is no attempt on the part of some to set up an alternative parish outside the jurisdiction of the Diocese of Cleveland. Please know that I will not approve of a priest celebrating the sacraments in any space other than an approved site within the Diocese.

Most importantly, we must never lose sight of our Catholic Faith which we profess on Sundays and days of great celebration when we say "We believe in the one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church." When we became member's of God's Church we became members of the unified body of Christ. So important is this reality of unity that Jesus prayed the night before He died "...that they may all be one, as you Father, are in me and I in you."

When there is a breaking of unity and communion with the Church, there are consequences which affect one's relationships with the Lord, with His holy Church, as well as with other members of the faithful.

We are the Church together. We come together as family in challenging times. The Church is our spiritual family. We are called by Christ to work together. If we work together, we will be healed together. The participation of every parishoner of St. Peter in the family of the Church in Cleveland is essential if we are to bring the hope and peace of Christ to our community.

Sincerely yours in Christ,
(+ Richard Lennon)
Bishop of Cleveland

Synopsis: Holy Bullshittery Batman!

The gist of the letter is "I'm not sayin' anything solid or permanent, but if you stray from a sanctioned, official Catholic church, it might mess with your bond to God and everyone knows that means you go to hell." Amongst other things.

But how backwards is that? What happened to the humanity of faith? The compassion of Christ? What about "Whenever two or more of you are gathered in his name...?" People all over Cleveland are losing their places of worship. One woman I met is 92 years old and has only ever attended one church. And that church is closing. And instead of empathy and understanding, she gets Bishop Dick and The Meatheads on their Door Lockin' Tour and the message is "Get yourself to another church before you lose your soul!" WTF?

(Sidenote: she's also slowly losing her grasp on the presence of reality, so while her home church may give her comfort and a few moments of solace, a new parish would fill her with confusion if not terror. Good job Dick!)

Personal Rant / Conclusion

It is an excellent example of why I strayed from the Catholic faith so many years ago.

The purpose of most religions is to foster a connection between yourself and a higher power, whether for the purpose of personal enlightenment, betterment of the world, or just getting to Heaven because Dante wrote how shitty Hell was. And the Catholic church takes that core tenet, that raw energy of the goal of faith, and they put it in a box that says "mystery" on it, held by a priest who is your "go between guy" (and it can never be a woman). So at the very start, you're never allowed to touch it. That's locked into a church that must be validated by the diocese and is wrapped in Bishops and Archbishops and Cardinals and rules and nuance and dogma and doctrine and "Vatican II" and a filthy rich Vatican City that's its own country headed by a guy who was a member of the Hitler Youth and had a hand in covering up cases of pedophilia and molestation the world over!

And they wondered why I didn't want to go to church on Sunday.


I'm guessing many of you have never gotten in this deeply to the world of Catholic doctrine, dogma, disillusionment, etc. I hope, if nothing else, I opened your eyes to another facet of society that has gone horribly wrong.


UPDATE: The good people of St. Peter's Parish have found a new, temporary home and held their first celebration of worship this weekend. Thanks to John in comments for this link of what was a joyous moment for them all.

Popehat Steps in it Again: FAIL

From the annals of BAD PR:

At a solemn Good Friday service, Pope Benedict XVI's personal preacher likened the tide of allegations that the pontiff has covered up sex abuse cases to the "more shameful aspects of anti-Semitism." But within hours, facing a storm of criticism at the comparison, the Vatican felt it necessary to distance the pope from the preacher's remarks.

Holy shit. Really? Didn't anyone tell him everyone's hating on the Jews right now anyway?

Kidding aside, how the hell does the Vatican get this deep into the scandal? Oh yeah, because their creepy pontiff had a hand in covering up decades of sexual abuse. Defrock them all!

Oh, and Happy Easter!

Van Mural Wednesday: Joplin n Crap!

Heheh...take a look at this Joplin-painted van.



Wait, um, that's actually kind of well done. Cheers!


Of course, I know you're not here for good examples of the art, so here you go:



Motha-fucka got a pop top for stand-up sex. Now that's a party!

(Oh, and the moon appears to be pissing a wild one)

Dog Eats Car. Awesome.

(HT Cleveland Love)

Peeving: Case and Mute

If you hear someone say "Ha! Case and point!" please smack them and remind them it's not a tennis match. Unless, of course, tennis is the subject of discussion. Then tell them they're not playing euchre.

The phrase, friends, is actually "Case in point." To elucidate, the phrase is based in the idea that you make a case against someone or something. The structure used to make a case is a listing of supporting points. The Gestalt of those points forms what is called a case. Think of it as a legal case; every piece of evidence is a point of the case against the defendant.

Therefore, "case in point" is to create the entire case in a single point or, more to wit, the fact that a single point can carry the entire case. You have an entire case in a single point or "case in point."

For example, if someone were to pose the argument that Republicans are just being choads about healthcare and you were to point out that Mitt Romney's healthcare deal in Mass was pretty much the same as Obama's but on a national level and now he's trying to reconcile that discrepancy, that would roll as a "case in point." Some might argue that Republicans being choads might qualify alone, "case in point" generally has to appeal to both sides of the argument.


If someone says "It's a mute point!" smack them. They may be getting the reference right but the word is "moot." Tell them to look it up.

That is all.

Meme Me a Meme: Me?

Stolen from Monkey's steal. No shame.

Hi, my name is: Ricky, sometimes known as E.
Never in my life have I been: Apprehended breaking and entering abandoned buildings.
The one person who can drive me nuts is: any assbag driving like shit with a Christian or Patriotic bumper sticker.
High school: was wonderful after I stood up to one dick bully in 10th grade.
When I’m nervous: I don't pay very good attention. What was the question?
The last song I listened to was: whatever's running on CBC Radio 3 - Canadian Indie music!
If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: would be questioning whether a marriage is legal if I'm already married.
My hair is: slightly wavy and slowly thinning.
When I was 5: I could control the universe. Still can with limitations now.
Last Christmas: we played Just Dance until 5am on the Wii. Yes, alcohol was involved.
I should be..: exactly what I am right now, minus about 25 lbs.
When I look down I see: the fab desk Mrs. Shambles bought me. Yes, I'm bellied-up to it.
The happiest recent event was: the reaction of Irish Dancer getting her first cell phone.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ I’d be: packing heat on the unexpected end of the series.
By this time next year: I'll be making enough in my business to hire 2 people full time.
My current gripe is: sanctimonious Republicans. Oh, you said "current?" Yeah, that's kind of always.
I have a hard time understanding: my daughter's claim of originality in a post-post-modern world.
There’s this girl I know that: needs to catch up on her DVR shows.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Mrs. Shambles, followed by parents and siblings, who would learn of it with everyone else via Twitter and Facebook.
Take my advice: Never get stoned after shots on the way to Windsor to do some gambling. You'll end up accidentally leaving Canada after they search your car in customs. But it's a good story to tell when you get back to the bar.
The thing I want to buy: is an HDTV. And after we get the credit cards done, it's all me. 3 months or so to go.
If you visited the place I was born: you'd probably be pulling into a gas station on the end of a tow truck because your car broke down between here and there.
I plan to visit: every single place that's the slightest bit different from Ohio.
If you spent the night at my house: we'd stay up late talking, laughing, and drinking.
I’d stop my wedding if: the pit bull in the clown outfit farted (yes, you can hear dog farts despite the lack of butt cheeks).
The world could do without: so much focus on the self.
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat capers.
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: video games: Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime: Corruption, Devil May Cry 3. That's not counting beer.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: cheese.
My favorite blonde is: probably forgetting something.
My favorite brunette is: me.
My favorite red head is: Mrs. Shambles.
My middle name is: John.
In the morning I: wake at 5 to make coffee for the Mrs. before she goes to work, watch MSNBC as I snooze for another hour, then figure out what leftovers are best fit for breakfast.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: bears.
Once, at a bar: I was tending and drinking and took a break to heavily make out with a patron/friend on the floor of the closed dining room.
Last night I was: Are we still talking about beer?
There’s this guy I know who: always has a story better than the one I just told, but I've got him beat.
If I was an animal I’d be: feline.
A better name for me would be: Ricky. Or Hoodie. Or Henry.
Tomorrow I am: training someone on a CMS, attending a networking meeting, and probably drinking beer.
Tonight I am: having (a) beer.
My birthday is: February 16th. Did you know that 6*6*6 = 216?

Surprise: Christian Militia Nutters Ugly Too

The Homely Army of Jesus

Crazy Christian militia goons arrested for planning domestic terrorism are ugly too? (Well, except for the distinguished gray mullet at bottom left.)Is anyone surprised?

To the gallows!


UPDATE! Apparently this team was so organized as they had several complimentary specialties, now labeled on the photo. You be the judge!


Not surprisingly, no one listed "Bible studies" or "WWJD"

Jesus Monday: A Book, a Play, a Bastard Pope

Big week in Jesus news to be sure.

Philip Pullman, author of the "His Dark Materials" has written a new book, a work of fiction, entitled Good Man Jesus, Scoundrel Christ about how Jesus had a twin named Christ that did all the exaggerated scribe work and how that played out in creating a lasting memory through the church. Looks like good stuff. Of course by "good stuff" I mean paired with sanctimonious bullshit protests and misplaced aggression of sheep-like churchies.

At Tarleton State University in Texas, a student - in participation of a theatre class - chose a play entitled Corpus Christi about the life of Jesus and the apostles...except they're all gay men. Hrm? That sounds like some good stuff! And by "good stuff" I mean the Lt. Governor douchebagging a reprimand across the airwaves, misinforming the public that the play would use taxpayer dollars after having, well, NOT read or seen the play. And...scene. The professor cancelled the performance, folded like a house of cards under a Texas-sized ass.

Ah, but the real story is all the flack Popehat is pulling down on himself and the Church because a couple hundred priests molested a couple thousand little boys. No biggie, right? Nothing that can't get swept under the rug, right?

Let's do a quick recap from last week's post: Pope Ratzie lambasted the Irish Church in saying they handled things incorrectly when dealing with the molestation cases. But Ratzie himself was the one holding the broom when he himself was an archbishop, holding strong to the line of "keep it secret."


Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan appears as a caricature of religion and faith in his goon robe and wooden throne.

The archbishop above came out and called the Pope's predicament much like that of Jesus being accused unjustly. Um, no; calling someone to task for covering up and/or not reporting a crime to the proper authorities is the very definition of justice. The "unjust" part of the story might have been the priests who abused their power and authority to steal the innocence from little boys.

Even Sinead O'Connor has an op-ed piece in the Washington Post dissecting some of the bullshit and calling the original apology letter "hollow."

It'll be interesting to see how it all plays out. Will the Pope step down? Will the magnitude of the scandal collapse the backbone of the whole Catholic structure? We can dream.

Seahorses Forever

A classic from '03: Drinking Out of Cups

Van Mural ...I Almost Forgot!

Getting all politicky this week, I almost forgot about our standard Van Mural shot for the week. Enjoy!



I hope they wash those feet...

Friday Videos: Daneboe Mashups - and a FAIL

I just found Daneboe and GagFilms and their wonderful video game mashups. So let's hit it with:

Mortal Kombat vs. Donkey Kong




Sonic vs. Pac Man




Contra vs. Duck Hunt




Girl Motorcycle FAIL

I think people would be more surprised if someone posted a woman who could ride a bike.

No You Can't (Featuring John Boehner)

Get a Diaper: The Republicans Are Shitting Everywhere

Today Republicans are shutting down ALL hearings in the Senate, including discussions on homeless vets, feeding children, and our military status with North Korea.

To all the Republican Senate: Grow a fucking sack you goddamned eunuchs. You are full of bullshit, everyone knows that, and you are now playing the key role of the whiny little baby.

On second thought: keep on ya bastards. No one's going to re-elect some temper-tantrum mess of a human being. And that's exactly what you all are: a sad excuse for a politician and a sad excuse for a human.

I hope your spouses get used to your diapers quickly; no one likes a shitty-smelling senator. Even if you've always smelled like that.


Sidenote: Palin is touting reloading on her Twitter, PAC is target-happy and Beck is thinking out loud about picking up a gun. I give it 5 days until another violent act is committed based on government actions and fueled by these right wing nutters.

Those Dang World-Dominating Gays

As you know, homosexuals are trying to take over America and make everyone participate in a big LGBT orgy. If you don't believe it, then you better take a good look at the email I got from Human Events today including these points on the Homosexual Agenda:

*** Special job rights for homosexuals and lesbians. Businesses may have to adopt hiring quotas to protect themselves from lawsuits. Every homosexual fired or not hired becomes a potential federal civil rights lawsuit.

Radical homosexuals will terrorize day care centers, hospitals, churches and private schools. Traditional moral values will be shattered by federal law.

*** Same-sex marriages and adoptions. Wedding-gown clad men smooching before some left-wing clergy or state official is just the beginning.

You'll see men hand-in-hand skipping down to adoption centers to "pick out" a little boy for themselves.

*** Homosexual advocacy in schools. Your children or grandchildren will be taught homosexuality is moral, natural and good. High school children will learn perverted sex acts as part of "safe sex" education.

With condoms already handed out in many schools, Radical Homosexuals will have little trouble adopting today's "if it feels good do it" sex-ed curriculum to their agenda.

Still don't believe it? Check out Eugene Delgaudio's Hardy Boys tale of woe:

One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.

As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.

Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.

My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, "Delgaudio what are you doing here?" Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.

As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, "This time Delgaudio we can't lose."

Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Radical Homosexuals could win.

Zounds! They almost had their greasy homo hands all over him!

So what is Eugene trying to get you to do? Fill out an American Morality Survey, of course. The "Public Advocate of the United State's 2010 American Morality Survey. That's right: United State's.



And when you go to the American Morality Survey, they even have it all set up so you don't even have to read any of the questions: Every one is already set to "No." How considerate!

Now, even if you are one of those secret homo-agents and decide to click "Yes" for all questions instead of "No," and fill in your information, you'll still end up on a page that says:

Dear Eugene,

I don’t support the Homosexual Agenda!

Please use my survey to prove to Congress, President Barack Obama and the media that Radical Homosexuals are lying about me! You can count on me to stand with you.

...and asks you to pay for your donation with Mastercard or Visa. Take that you faggies!

To Summarize:
If you're afraid of gay people and don't know how to emotionally deal with that and know you can't go huntin' fags and don't want to think too much, here's your way out. Just hand over your money to Eugene and he'll take care of it for you.

But remember: Public Advocate was founded as a non-profit tax-exempt educational group under section 501(c)4 of the IRC. Because Public Advocate lobbies to stop the Homosexual Agenda, contributions to Public Advocate are not tax-deductible.

And don't forget to beat your wife, watch Beck, and spit on a Mexican today!

Limbaugh Just Makes Shit Up About Net Neutrality

Net Neutrality is how it works now. Here's a little video tutorial:



But last week, Rush Limbaugh decided to tell all his listeners that Obama was trying to cram net neutrality down America's throats, that net neutrality means that when you search the internet Obama wants to mandate that if it is an area of controversy that the search results reflect both sides of the argument.

Wait, what? That's not just misinformation or twisting of actual words or bills, it's a malicious fabrication, a LIE intended to spawn fear and anger in his listeners towards the president because the fear he's instilling in them over health care reform has apparently reached capacity.

His backing argument? It took a while to get his website listed high in the rankings. Well Rush, since you don't know a goddamned thing about the internet, let alone search engines, maybe you should shut the fuck up. (NOTE: Rush's home page contains little content, mostly links, and few conventions of optimization.)

WTF?!

Everyone's entitled to free speech and people are entitled to be wrong, but this is shouting FIRE in a dark movie theater. And that is dangerous.

Health Care: It's a GO!

Kinda. You may recall last week's lethargic cheerleading about the issue, a slight disappointment in Kooch for folding, and a general disappointment with the Democratic Party in letting the destruct-all Republicans run so much of the show.

Right now, behind me, Obama is signing the bill on television. (And yes, I have every belief that Nancy Pelosi will masturbate with the signing pen she just received.) Not one Republican showed up.

But in the words of our president, let me be clear. I do support this bill. I stayed up until 1am on Monday morning watching all the drama and venom and, in the end, success. Here's why:

1. Stupak, in the rebuttal of the motion to recommit, nailed it down: this bill will save lives, and anyone who says they are "for" life should be voting for it. And it will. And all the sanctimony the Republicans can muster for any words spilling out their gobs about helping people will fall flat for years to come because of their absolute staunch anti-support of this bill. It will save lives in both a figurative and literal sense.

2. Nancy Pelosi, on Sunday night, mentioned that a woman getting beaten by her husband is a pre-existing condition. It's true in 8 states and DC. And Glenn Beck was just on the radio making fun of her, making fun of her statement, and calling it all bullshit, "2 + 2 is 5!" he shouted. But it's not. And the Republicans and the talk show hosts are just going to continue to LIE about everything so their awful myrmidon army will continue to believe and re-spout the vomit they ingested. So Glenn Beck? He can suck it. Hannity? Suck it. Limbaugh? Suck it. Neidermeyer? Suck it!


The right will continue to fight against Obama tooth and nail but his win here made him stronger. And the more the right lies and whines and just screams "NO!" like a kid curled up in the candy aisle of Kroger, the more they hurt their own credibility and slowly some of their base will begin to crumble. The rest will stay ignorant, suckling at the teat for the milk of falsehood from the speakers of their pickup trucks.

That Pope Could Use a Little Irish

And by "Irish" I mean a punch in the fucking mouth.

Pope Ratzie recently wrote a letter to the Irish Church, bitching them out for the mis-steps in handling the rampant cases of child abuse.

What he doesn't mention in the scolding letters is the role he himself played in hushing up the scandal as Archbishop Joseph Ratzinger of Munich by demanding abuse cases be reported to the Vatican in secret (and no mention of proper authorities). Not to mention that whomever is two farts away from an oxygen machine in that little Reno in Rome is constantly sending out mixed messages about who's to blame and what should be done about the issue while victimized families all over the world wait with baited breath for order and accountability that'll show sometime around 2210. The two Irish bishops currently offering their resignations? Popehat won't accept them.

I don't believe much of anything good has come out of the Vatican in a very long time. And they wonder why Catholicism's popularity is waning. Irrelevant? Irreverent? Unaccountable? Horribly disorganized? Pick one.

Health Care: Caring Too Much or Not Enough?

Just let me work through this. We'll all be better off for it.

First of all, let me be plain that this is a futile exercise because it is based upon a premise that will never be: that I will get a shot at putting down a vote for or against the health care bill as it stands.

The Right Wrong Machine

I listen to the right. A lot more than I should. I know it's "more" because all the idiocy and lies and bullshit and fear-fear-fear makes me numb, makes me reluctant to get in the pool and when I do I tire quickly and leave early. And it makes the next dive all the more painful.

These people - if I may be so bold to address the Rightist Wingist as such - have no idea that their blind rage and hate and diametric opposition to anything at all Democratic or Liberal (or Black) is actually hurting the country.

They keep their listeners ignorant and therefore keep listeners (see following post on Rush and Net Neutrality). They say they support reform but when asked how present straw man arguments like state line expansion. They have no desire to help so long as helping means turning off the fat insurance CEOs that line their pockets. Because that's Capitalism!

And in the meantime Glenn Beck tells CPAC that he learned socialism was bad by going to the library because "books are free."

I'm tired. I'm numb. I'm tired.


The Left Wrong Wing

I respect the fact that we have the first female Speaker evar, but for fuck's sake, did it have to be Pelosi? She's twitchy, inattentive, and a little too close to what someone would consider coked-up. We should ask Bush on this one. She is not a viable, solid, staunch leader. Leaders need to be staunch. She is not staunch. No staunchness. Staunchless.

And what do we as the left wing come up with? Health Care Reform all in caps! Kinda. No, not really.

Wait, how'd that happen?

We started with a robust, dream-filled jelly roll of wonder: Single payer marmalade, public option buttercream, and fuck-the-insurance-companies fudge sauce. But then the Right said "You do that and we're going to take our ball and go home!"

So we said "Okay, we'll play a little your way."

"NO! I said NO!"

"Okay, here's a little more..."

And on and on until someone on the left woke up and realized that the jelly roll of wonder had turned into a cold crepe that fell behind the stove three weeks ago and these douchebags weren't going to play ball with us. Ever. They were just going to bitch away the time to scare the shit out of America to make sure the left couldn't get anything done.

No one realized we were the ones holding the ball the whole time.


About That Crepe

So now we get tough and everyone's shopping up reasons we can - and should - still eat. I'm not talking about reconciliation. Reagan passed his whole econ drama with it. I'm talking about some of the "deeming" shit that's come down the pike the past few days.

And the crepe? It kind of sucks. I don't care how much you knock out your spices and skills. It fell behind the stove three weeks ago. It's going to be not so nice.

But then, you're not just talking to regular folks who've had the snot beat out of them by the insurance companies like most of us; we're discussing the starving kids too.

We're left with, well, let's look at Obama's push in Ohio and the tale of Natoma Canfield. I understand and agree that Natoma got screwed by the system. But the bill Obama's pushing in her name still lets insurance companies use the pre-existing condition for 4 years - 4 years! And that's a death sentence for any number of hundreds of thousands of Americans even if this mess gets passed.

I hope Natoma can live on dog food for 4 years.

And that's where I'm on the fence.

(Note: I know the Cleveland Clinic has come forward about charity and said they'd never place a lien on her home. No shit. You'd put her into collections and they'd do that dirty work for you. That's how it happens and saying otherwise is counting every American as ignorant.)


So Say You're Dennis Kucinich

I'm a fan. I was a 35-percenter in the last election. Hell, I grew up in Parma, OH. Do you vote it down because the bill still gives insurance companies the upper hand? Because it literally mandates everyone get health care with the evil conglomerates that this bill is supposed to phase out or at least rein in?

Do you vote up just to get something passed? Do you vote up in hopes that eventually we'll make it work? Do you vote up because the bullshit statement of the corporate-hungry right wing to start from a blank piece of paper is, well, bullshit?

Who wins?

The Republicans, even if we pass it, have already done their duty of stripping it down enough to say it's worthless. The Democrats have already sat on their hands long enough that it's only a little better than what we have now.

So I ask again: who wins? Do you win? Is there a winner? Is there ever a winner in politics? Is there ever a winner in politics when the right and the left have it out so much for each other that no one remembers what we're fighting for?

I abstain. And self-prescribe Miller Time.

Silicone and Penises. Or, Really, Just One Penis

This is real video and interview of what happens after 6 years of injecting silicone into a penis (and apparently balls). NSFW!!!! Evar! Even if you have a home office!

If you do decide to view, just think of it - as described by the carrier of the monstrosity - as a different way to view and understand what a penis actually is.


via videosift.com

In Short: Glenn Beck: Biased Danger Again

"This land was made for you and me!"

And today Glenn Beck denounced the song as a progressive disaster pushing land grabs. Why? Because when it was written, 1940, it was all FDR.

He apparently has no negative feelings about the politics involved in adding the words "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance or the very name of the thing, that we are required to pledge allegiance to a flag, a representation of our country.

I cannot even comprehend his distorted logic, except that it's scaring some people and pushing others to drive from CA to the Pentagon to shoot people.

A moron with a microphone does not mean he should be listened to.

Jesus! $7200 Worth of Beer Confiscated by Dumb Cops

The Jesus news today is sparse: Glenn Beck tells people to leave churches that preach social justice (asshat) and a painting of Mary is crying oil outside of Paris. Boo.

So let's talk about beer and dumb cops instead!



Who are they? That's Leigh Maida and Brendan Hartranft, owners of three bars, including Resurrection Ale House, in Grays Ferry, and Local 44, in West Philly. Based on a "customer complaint," their 3 bars were targeted and raided in unison for selling beer with names that were not registered with PA.

Although the bar owners had bought the beer legally from licensed Pennsylvania distributors and had paid all the necessary taxes, the police claimed that nobody had registered the precise names of the beers with the state Liquor Control Board - a process that requires the brewers or their importers to pay a $75 registration fee for each product they want to sell in Pennsylvania.

Based on a complaint from someone the State Police refuse to identify, three teams of officers converged last Thursday on the three bars, run by Leigh Maida and her husband, Brendan Hartranft. Checking their inventories against the state's official list of more than 2,800 brands, the cops seized four kegs and 317 bottles, totaling 60.9 gallons of beer, according to police calculations.

Aside from the obvious clusterfuck that is the organization of the law, here's the bullshit part: A half-assed list corroborated over the phone with liquor control jumbled with morons executing the order were confiscating everything not on their list exactly, like if Michelob was on the list, they'd take Mich Ultra because Ultra wasn't on the list.

And the list was far from accurate. The troopers ended up taking beer served in bars across the state and ignoring Heineken, whose brewer is apparently missing from the list.

Best quote, from Maida: "My main beef with this whole convoluted situation is that the PLCB is the sole regulator of a set of products that they do not even know the names of."

I think the bigger questions are: why did they target this couple's bars? At a time when people are arguing for smaller government and championing small businesses, how does a perfect storm of ineptness swarm in and take over? And why do we still allow morons who know nothing about beer poorly manage lists that they send to Schlitz-swilling officers who wouldn't know a bock from a stout to execute orders they can barely read?

Isn't there some more important crime going on somewhere in Philly? Shouldn't investigation precede a raid? I'm calling shenanigans on this bullshit; either these good folks were singled out on a personal or business level or PA's enforcement is retarded. Or both.

Glenn Beck is a Communist

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Sarah Palin and Shootin' Wolves

We'll be seeing much of this in 2012.



Her response: "I'm not Governor of AL anymore. Wait, what? A-L isn't Alaska?"

LOL's a-comin'!

Van Mural Wed - Thongs for the Memories, Man-Wolf

No, that's not okay.




And neither is this, though I'd argue that Man-Wolf was simply misunderstood; it wasn't his fault that the Godstone only allowed partial transformation because it was from a parallel universe. Sheesh.

Weeks Without the XBox 360 - It's Okay!

So you heard me whine about my XBox360 tweaking out all E74 on me and you're concerned, wondering whatever dear Ricky will do!?

I know. Worst bit? Mrs. Shambles leaves for parts abroad for 10 days on Friday, multiplying my video game play time by like 20. And my Xbox, sans faceplate and hard drive, awaits departure sometime tomorrow.

But it's not all loss and pain. In fact, it opens a happy and broad opportunity of getting back to some sense of roots. I'm not a deprived mess in any sense. I've still a working PS2 and Wii. And a bit of a backlog to go along with it.

Wii Weekend

For example, I have a couple Wii items I have to catch up on:

• I recently downloaded Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and have yet to crack into that
• I played most of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess drunk and my last save was in the mer-people's land and I don't remember much about ...anything. Let's just say a start-over would be good.
• I recently had a birthday and just spent my xmas and bday gift cards to purchase (today) Metroid 3: Corruption and Super Mario Galaxy (+ hottest GameStop staff in recent memory)
• And if all else fails, I just found out LostWinds: Winter of the Melodias was released for download late last year.
• And I never did get very far into Super Mario 64

PS2 for One

Playstation2 still has some life in it as well:

• I still have GTA: San Andreas and in my latest save only have 1/3 of total gang territory left to conquer to own the whole town. Have not unlocked the 2 other sections of the map yet.
• Finally picked up God of War II at the aforementioned GameStop trip. Delicious.
• And there's always The Legend of Spyro: A New Beginning. Seriously, back off. It's a reboot of the series and the cast includes Elijah Wood as Spyro, David Spade as Sparx, Gary Oldman as Ignitus, and Cree Summer as Cynder. That's right: Gary fucking Oldman.

So that's pretty much my next 12 days, aside from work, that is. In case you were wondering. I will not continue to bitch about how Microsoft is fucking their fan base, except when new glitches appear in the process of getting my XBox fixed, which I have faith they will.

My Personal Red Ring: Xbox 360 - Error 74

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane

I was playing Fallout3 (see my Dogmeat rantamble here), and after clearing out a cave of Raiders and getting to looting the place and taking a nap, everything went Matrix on me, but red, and with lots of dots instead of the green characters. Ghosts of the action before me still remained, but none nearly visible enough to continue. Woah! I reset.

Then the flashing red light you see above. But hey, at least it's not the Red Ring of Death! Right? Wrong. MS places it straight:

While the majority of Xbox 360 owners continue to have a great experience with their console, we are aware that a very small percentage of our customers have reported receiving an error that displays “E74” on their screen. After investigating the issue, we have determined that the E74 error message can indicate the general hardware failure that is associated with three flashing red lights error on the console.

So my error and my "Oh, at least it's not the ring!" are all for nothing. And by "majority" they apparently mean "more than 50%." My research shows Microsoft is busting out repairs on an extended 3 year warranty for a possible 30% of customers who purchased an Xbox 360.

So you give me a free shipping label to fix a problem you KNEW about when I bought your system? P'sha!

I'd like 5000 points to go with the fact that I have to ship my system to you to get fixed, leaving me without the product I purchased.

Microsoft, you are a douche. And you're short-selling your clientelle. And you need to make amends. Even now, when the fervor of the red ring has died down, it still lives. It lives in every box that has been purchased. Even though you put out your statement in 2007 that you made changes, you're still sucking something hard because obviously the purchase I made a year ago was not iron-clad to your supposed changes.

This is bad business. I'll post it on my other blog too.

And I'll send in my Box with box and packing that I must pay for. And I'll call customer service every single day to find out when I'm getting it back and what credits I might expect.

I'll report back.

And my daughter just bought me Dead Rising. And even if I could play it, I just found out I can't read any of the text in the game: was optimized for HD.

Asshats. I'll let you know.

In Short: The Next Anti-Choice Target: Miscarriage

I'm not fucking kidding. Only in Utah:

A new Utah law could charge women with homicide if they miscarry, making women's rights advocates concerned that women will be brought up on murder charges for drinking, failing to wear a seatbelt, or falling down the stairs.

The bill passed Utah's state legislature last Thursday and still needs final approval by the governor, but it continues to gain attention this week for its unusually restrictive language.

Usher in the Handmaid's Tale ASAP. Seriously. Is the work of government to get into our pieces parts as far as possible? Isn't this what Republicans are supposedly warning us about?

Oh yeah: doesn't apply to loose women who miscarry their children because of physical or emotional sin. Or some shit like that. Sin: defined by us and bad and makes Democrat women miscarry for which they must be punished. We miscarry? God wanted to challenge us in our faith!

No, really, I can't write anymore. Cheers!

Jesus on the Suds, Gay, & Beck

Jesus likes to crack one open and have a smoke now and then. He's just chillin' - he had a tough life. If he didn't like the sauce, why would he turn water to wine?

Seriously though, in a cursive writing exercise in a book in India, apparently the above image appeared next to "I for idol." And probably the same goons who decried the Islamic response to a cartoon of bomb-headed Muhammed are not only outraged and demanding apologies, but some groups are looking to file suit. So who are you going to sue? The publisher did not force the books on the kids - they were purchased by the school. Are you suing the school? Overreaction in the truest sense.

Worst bit of bad reporting? It took me 10 tries to find a piece of reporting that was about outrage over a picture that actually included the picture. Thank you BBC.


Elton John said:

"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," he stated. "On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don't know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East -- you're as good as dead."

Queue religious outrage.


And FireDogLake has a great post about Glenn Beck at CPAC talking about a "come to Jesus" moment for the Republicans. Beck, of course, is horribly misguided in his use of language. Surprise!


And one last thing. I was scanning through the news for this post and saw the words "One True Crutch!" But then I did a double-take. It actually read: "One True Church!" Same difference, I thought.


Last last - I think Jesus would drink Schlitz and smoke Pall Malls. You?

Theocrat

Wait, I thought you meant. Oh. Nevermind.

LARP - Live Avatar Role Playing

Absurd and hilarious. "It's almost like what I've seen Japanese people do."

Fail, Damnit! Fail! It's Friday!

Okay, we'll start with a win. Because it's a cute nana.



Told you it was hot. I mean cute. I love a well-tied babushka.

Oh, no! That led me to Funny-Dancing Grandma. I guess that's a fail of some sort...



(No - I stopped there, even though Techno Grandma was tempting)

Wait. What's that you say? A Miley Cyrus cover of Goodbye? Wonderful!



No! No! No! Make it stop! I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry!

(Okay, not really - like sharing the tape from The Ring with someone in a way. I believe the French refer to that as la bête du jambon)

How about an Anger Release Fail? At least he got some fight in the newspaper box...



Have a great weekend!

In Short: S. E. Cupp, Walking Absurdity

I keep a pretty good handle on the right wing nutters, but I'd never heard of S.E. Cupp before today when she was talking about Tiger Woods and plugging her upcoming book Losing Our Religion (which is predictably about how the left wing supposedly hates Christianity).

SE was talking to the Hannity stand-in and expressing her outrage that because Tiger didn't come out and say he was a loser, he was a loser. In a tie-in to her book, she pivoted on Tiger's comment about his previous and newfound dedication to Buddhism. Of course, that was a "direct attack" on Brit Hume who had -a while back- commented that Tiger come to Jesus and get some real redemption and ethics.

And then SE was outraged. "Buddhism, whatever," she railed, "Buddhism considers adultery a sin too." She continued: "He's obviously out of touch with whatever his god is."


Why do some people look down on Christianity, S.E.? Because of Christian(-esque people) like you. Ignorant, ignorant people like you who do not think any other belief is worthy of fifteen minutes of your time to learn the basics of the phraseology of their system, let alone the belief structure.

To clarify: Buddhism does not have a creator god, nor do they believe in the self-deprecating Christian construction of sin, original or otherwise.

But because she is informed on only one form and concept of religion, she can't speak in any other terms, even for 5 minutes. How'd she write a book about the subject? Jesus!

Here's an analogy: Many Europeans think Americans are asses because they expect the world to speak English and most won't take the 5 minutes to learn "please," "thank you," and "Do you speak English?" They just talk louder. And that's what you're doing, S.E. Not smarter - or even smart - just louder.

If you want respect from others, whether other religions or while traveling abroad, begin by showing some. I believe some would call that "being Christian."


UPDATE: To clarify, S.E. Cupp is a self-proclaimed atheist. But a bad one. Check the comments for my full opinion.

Who's Still Sponsoring Glenn Beck?

Just a little FYI from Media Matters for those of you with a few extra minutes on your hands:

At least eighty advertisers have reportedly dropped their ads from Glenn Beck's Fox News program since he called President Obama a "racist" who has a "deep-seated hatred for white people." Here are his February 8 sponsors, in the order they appeared:

Rosland Capital
Vermont Teddy Bear Company
Loan Modification Hotline
Aspercreme
Mesothelioma Families
Chattem
Tax Masters
Lifelock
Sokelove Law, LLC
Wall Street Journal
Goldline
American Advisors Group
Pro Flowers
Hydroxatone
The Jewelry Exchange
NBC Universal
Credit Card & Debt Relief Hotline

Cheers!

Jim Gaffigan - King Baby - Bacon

Delicious!

Van Murals: Javanasexy & Wave!

Uh-oh. Who brought the sexy?



I don't know who this guy is, but I tried to combine Japanamation, van, and sexy in the title of this post. And I believe that guy is all three. The person who drives that van, however, is totally sketch. As Irish Dancer would say.




OMG that wave is HUGE. Surf hard! OMG that sexy naked mermaid is about to be ground into coral reef food. What are you doing mermaid? You live underwater. You should know better!

Politics, Meh - Palin, Anyone?

My wife got me a fantastic Palin birthday card yesterday and then today I saw this on Think Progress:

Former Alaska governor and Fox News analyst Sarah Palin spoke to a crowd of Republican Party activists in Arkansas yesterday, where she lavished praise on the Tea Party movement and played down speculation that she might run for president in 2012. She also then mocked Twitter:

When she was asked what she believed was the number one threat to America today, several audience members shouted, "Obama!"

Arkansas Republican Party Chairman Doyle Webb, who moderated the Q&A session, responded by adding, "Besides Obama."

Palin then chimed in as many in the crowd laughed.

"See, they said that, I didn’t," she said. "Just you watch now, too, because somebody will be here with their little Twittering thing, and it’s going to be on the Internet any minute now."

It’s unclear what Palin has against the "little Twittering thing," considering she is also on Twitter (@SarahPalinUSA) and has actually been noted for supposed new media saviness. Last night’s event in Little Rock’s 18,000-seat Verizon Arena had a significant number of empty seats. In fact, fewer than half the seats "in the lower bowl were occupied, and the entire upper level was shrouded by black drapes." In the hours before the Palin event, "the Arkansas GOP was advertising on its web site a heavily discounted '$20 ticket special.'"

Case in point: Republicans don't get technology or the internet.

There seems to be a brewing schism in the Republican party: Those who want to make the party appear less the "white man" party and are willing to push Palin to the forefront of 2012 and those who say it would be political suicide. So what's the call, Pubbies? Do you appear to be even more misogynist by saying a woman who has no right running for president has no right running for president or feign acceptance of her lack of qualifications to appear more inclusive? I'm guessing they'll go the latter and blame America if she does't win the primaries and blame America (I can hear Hannity now: "America was just not ready for a strong, independent woman to lead the country!") when she doesn't win the general election. And then they'll ride that feather in their cap for the next 20 years, that they had a woman run. And that's how they'll phrase it. And that's how they'll get it so, so wrong in the short and long run.


Other politics? No, not really. Shitty, really. We're still buried in snow so my ears have numbed from the deniers saying global warming is a hoax or that it might be real but not man-made and some guy posted something on a blog about how it's all collapsing around the "warmalists" but really its not and it's become so political that it ceases to be scientific. And McCain can't even remember if he said something about capping carbon at some point.

It's all quite pointless. The Right will continue to push for less carbon regulation because business will continue to grease their asses for doing so and the Left will continue to push for more regulation. In my opinion, whether it's AGW or just GW, the Left's doing the only thing that will help the problem. They're shipping snow into Vancouver for chrissakes.

Enough politics already. Bring me the van murals!

Jesus, Green Pot, Green Lent, Fiery Pareidolia

Either I strategically postponed my Monday Jesus because of Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday or I'm a lazy son of a bitch. You decide.

Why is it that every year I completely forget that it's Ash Wednesday until I walk into the AmeriStop or UDF to pick up some beer and am entranced and almost comment to someone that they've got some shit on their forehead? Then just before what would be a horribly embarrassing moment, my brain goes "Ohhhh yeah. Some people still do that."

Weed Worship Jesus



Hey, why do these three paintings of Jesus crossing the Mexico/Texas border weigh so much? Oh, because you've got 10 lbs. of pot stuffed into the back of each one!

Stupid. What chintzy painting weighs 10 lbs? None. Even the drug-sniffing dog Cesar knew that.

Can we just legalize marijuana please? We could empty prisons, focus on real problems, people would stop stuffing the Lord with weed, and everyone else could stop pretending to be offended by it. Jesus!


Green Lent

Some folks are giving up carbon for Lent. That is so absurd it will only get this blurb. It's like only giving at Christmas. If you want to do something you know you should be doing anyway, don't use a man-made holiday to appease your deity with a faux dedicated sense of responsibility. Is baby Jesus happier if you make a pittance of an effort for 40 days or dedicate yourself to real change the whole year?


Pareidolia FAIL



Dude saw Jesus on a log in a fire. Dude apparently missed that his picture shows Jesus' huge, demonic hand emerging from the same fire.

If it was really Jesus, he'd let you pull the log out of the burning inferno with your bare hands so you could put it on Ebay. You know he would...

Progressive in Short: Right Wrong

This week, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) presented a scaled-back "Jobs Bill." Republicans who had previously stated that the big one wouldn't create a single job switched tune to say Harry was selling out the country and not doing what needed to be done. Is anyone surprised by this?


3/4 of Americans support openly gay people serving in the military. Is this openness and compassion or "at least it's not me" or "kill the fags?" Maybe a mix of all? I personally don't think America's tolerant enough to allow everyone the same rights.


Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is still batshit crazy. I nominate her for VP to Palin in 2012. Oh, what a party that'll be. I'll bring the Jameson.


And, lastly, it appears that the right-wing nutters saying that snow in winter means Global Warming is a hoax are blind to all things Canadian and international. The Winter Olympics start tonight, and Vancouver has to airlift snow in so it can actually happen. Why? Warmest winter on record. I guess that like their breadth and width of knowledge of the world ends at the US borders and of science ends at the end of the day, you tie the two together and not a whisper will be spoken about an international event dependent on snow not having snow because it's too warm. But perhaps one of their coal-shucking scientists can somehow tie it to "Global Cooling."

Friday FAIL: Deniers, Cops, Light Switch Penises?

More Friday Fail. And third week in a row I haven't made it in every day. Ah, well.


Global Warming Denier FAIL

Rachel Maddow and Bill Nye lay out - in plain terms - that the morons on the right like Hannity and Limbaugh and Beck who say that snow in the winter means global warming is a hoax are full of BS, purposefully misleading their viewers and listeners.




Cop FAIL

Not new, but always funny.




Light Switch FAIL

Many examples of inadvertent penis humor.

Van Mural Wednesday: Rawr! Smart!

I know there's a pussy joke there.



I know there's a pussy joke there.

Politics on Tuesday? Easy: Repubs Are the Danger

At this point, who on the right is still kidding themselves: Republicans are not for actual medical reformation. They never have been. They want to keep their corporate medical sponsors (granted, it's been hard for the Dems with their corp med sponsors too). But the 'Pubs haven't put effort into anything except NOT putting effort into the reform Americans are desperately in need of.

Wait, that's not true. Repubs are putting a great deal of effort into scaring the hell out of the ignorant American populace that the (Obama v. 2.1) USA is going to take over their health care. And KILL US ALL! It's true. Ask Beck or Limbaugh or any of those other conservative ass-clowns who claim an allegiance to a more pure form of American government than the Republicans. And everything Obama does is bad and wrong and is deliberately so. Obama hates America!

So the Democrats have to go and the Republicans who don't get the AM Radio Stamp of WhateverTheFuck (most of them) ALL NEED TO GO. And by fostering that level of ignorant voting rampage, and ignorant Tea Party education, you foster a frenzy-dom of stupidity, a madness of idiocy, all of them suckling on the teat of talk radio like a crack baby on its amphetamine-laced lactation.

Right wing radio: you're right. America is in danger. America is in danger from you. YOU are fostering not an educated populace, but an ignorant one. You are fostering your dream of an oligarchy ruled by madness that fits your version of reality.

You are the danger.

And as disconcerting as it is, I say: Bring it on. Usher Palin into 2012. Kill reform without solutions. We'll be waiting. With facts. And you will lose.

Or America will.

Jesus, Monday Already? Lindsay?

Lohan as the Lord?



And 3...2...1 -

She turns wine into vomit and can barely walk on a waterbed. She calls her privates "fishes and loaves" and can make the cock crow 3 times before sunrise. She only said yes to crucifixion because she wanted to get nailed. She figured "spikes" either meant booze or volleyball and either was cool with her. She's really fond of Simon's Peter. She didn't call Peter "The Rock" for church-buildin'. Three days in a tomb is what she calls rehab. Born from a virgin? Travesty! She one was tempted by Satan, but turned him down because at no point did he address cock, coke, or Skyy. And yes, she was a carpenter; she's likes to work the wood.

Seriously folks. I could do this all night.

Name n Date! - Vargas, Jesus, n a Mullet!

I don't know what possessed me to type in "vargas 1978," but I did and this is what I got:


Punto y Aparte indeed!

If you're not familiar with Name n Date (because it's been a while), I type in a name and a date and post my result(s) on Google Image Search.

So let's do another. How about Jesus 1965?


Dad: drunk; Jr.: stoned; Kid: zombie-ing out on neighbor's penis

WTF? Is this thing broken? Of course not. Jesus by definition should -


I so hate Egyptian history!

Shit. Well, if it's going to be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.

Let's close with a mullet, shall we?


Nips!

Amen.