Blogger Template Upgrade - Wha-what?

I've done some things in the past 2 years to personalize my blog space, and then they go all "you've gotta upgrade!" on me.

So today I upgrade, which of course means I'll lose many of my mods. Luckily, I'm due for a revamping, and will probably add a new header, clean up the look from this tired old polka-dotted template. Also, being a web developer, it doesn't make me nervous, just frustrated at the amount of time I'm going to have to spend. But I want to include a follower widget, link to my twitter, etc.

It'll be better for all of us.

So if shit gets flooby in the next few hours, don't freak. It'll be okay. Soon.

And don't forget to do that follow thing: all the cool kids are.

More McCain/Palin Supporter Racism

Almost 3 minutes of stomach-churning, racist, ignorance. Johnstown, PA Palin rally.

T-Shirt Hell: Happy Shirts!

It's T-Shirt Hell. What the fuck did you expect?

In Case Youse Forgots: Obama is a Muslim

There is a large faction of nutters out there who - despite every credible resource - believe Barack Obama was born in Kenya and is not an American Citizen. If you found the McCain Palin mob disturbing, I pulled this mentally challenged rant off an "Invade Iran" blog (no link, bitches!) that was hosting a version of the "Obama is Not American" video:

This is absolutely unbelievable! Everyone is running around trying to prove that this Muslim is NOT an American citizen. We don't have to prove he is not an American citizen damn it! This sorry SOB and the Democratic party have got to prove THAT HE IS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!! Mr. Berg has gone the extra mile...AND THEN SOME...to prove that Obama is NOT an American Citizen and therefore not eligible to run for President of The United States of America because of the fraud perpetrated on American Citizens who seem hell bent on letting this TROJAN HORSE march right into our White House with the Koran under his arm, burn our flag, destroy our bibles, tramp on our constitution and aid and abed the One World Order in their quest to destroy our country! This man went to the same schools that our worst enemies attended. He boldly acknowledges friendships with terrorists that wish to destroy our Nation and everything it represents. He repeats over and over again that he represents "Change". Hell yes he does! He intends to change our country into a Global melting pot under the Kuran! He keeps repeating that "our" economy is a "Global Problem requiring Global solutions" and his followers just keep chanting "Change! Change! Change!...instead of reading between the lines!" like ignorant children following the pied piper they march right along behind the biggest lie ever perpetrated on Americans! The man is evil incarnate people! Both he and the Democratic party refused to produce the 3 documents Berg has repeatedly requested and which any of you could easily produce! Instead he and the Democratic Party request and are provided legal immunity by the Court!They have been told they do not HAVE to produce them... Fine! But how does not "having" to produce them prove that the man IS an American Citizen? To the contrary, does that action not at least suggest that the documents CANNOT be produced because the do not exist? Ergo...the man cannot or will not prove he is an American Citizen and therefore is NOT elligible for either the office of the Senate or the Presidency of the United States of America!!!
...So file suit against the Democratic party forcing them to either provide a legitimate replacement or concede the election to the Republican candidate! Are there guns to everyones heads in the news media?
Why does Bill O'Reilly insist the man IS an American Citizen without offering more proof than the forged Birth Certificate posted on Obama's web sited? !!! This is your country people...are you just going to turn it over to a Muslim?
Good God in Heaven!...Please help us!

Holy Cocksmoke, the Right's Diggin' DEEP!

I collect the email releases from Human Events so you don't have to. Sometimes it's a stock tip from Ann Coulter, sometimes a sweet letter from Old man Gingrich, and sometimes a fringe doctor pushing the real cure to high cholesterol.

And sometimes it blows my fucking mind.

Just in: Obama is linked to 9/11 terrorists.

Obama's Plan: Mohamed Atta Gets His Driver's License

Did you know that Mohamed Atta, the 9/11 ring leader, had a valid Florida driver's license?

Did you know 13 of the 19 hijackers had obtained valid driver's licenses? Armed with these licenses, eight of the hijackers even registered to vote!

Here is the shocking fact: Obama strongly supports giving illegal aliens in America driver's licenses.

He said as much during two Democratic debates earlier this year.

The head of Homeland Security said such thinking was dangerous for national security.
...
We have no doubt that, as president, Obama will also champion this radical plan.

With Osama bin Laden still at large, with al-Qaida promising "spectacular" attacks on the U.S homeland, with the threat of them using weapons of mass destruction against our cities - biological, chemical, and nuclear - can we risk putting such a man in the Oval Office?

Doesn't he remember what happened on 9/11? More than 3,000 Americans were murdered.

Doesn't he want to prevent that from ever happening again?

If he supports driver's licenses for illegals, the answer is clear.

Hold the fucking phone. I realize every righty scared of blackie will read this and grunt "ummm-huh!" but it doesn't even make sense.

DID YOU KNOW: All of the 9/11 terrorists entered the USA legally on temporary visas? That means that the terrorists were here legally, and probably obtained a legal license, just like you would if you had a visa to France.

So if it's all bullshit, what's the purpose?

Another unfounded reason to attach the terrorist tag to Obama.

Fucking madness.

I can't wait until 11/4.

McCain-Palin Mob

Terrifying. They're about as well-informed as Palin.



(from Blogger Interrupted via C&L)

Ode to Sean Hannity

Found here:

Ode to Sean Hannity

by John Cleese

Aping urbanity
Oozing with vanity
Plump as a manatee
Faking humanity
Journalistic calamity
Intellectual inanity
Fox Noise insanity
You’re a profanity
Hannity

Fishy Australian Scientists

From here:



Hundreds of new marine Australian Scientists have been under our nose all along, all different species, oddly enough. A real boon for the marine biology folks who, it appears, will be studying themselves.

That One

The last 24 hours have been really exciting.

I'll be posting some point-by-point over at All Things Democrat which, if you haven't been, is now a forum as opposed to a blog. Still a great site, just more voice for everyone.

But let's get to some videos.

Today McCain apparently thought he was campaigning for President of his Cell Block:




If you haven't heard about it yet, you will. At one point in last night's debate, McCain, without looking at him, pointed at Barack Obama as "that one." Holy shitake! I was expecting "boy" next, closely followed by "my negro friend." What the fuck?




And, of course, the final snub of the night. It's past McCain's bedtime and he hasn't eaten so he can take his back pills, so he refuses to shake Obama's hand and rushes out of there as Obama stays to visit and speak with audience members.



Love that snub.

You Wouldn't Like [McCain] Angry

Brave New Films:

Citizenship Question: Frisky Dingo

Yes, I did this.

Veep Debate: On a Parental Note...

Forgot to bring up this point last week:

I realize that the knee-jerk reaction of the of the right wing at the end of the VP debate made a quick transition from "Woot woot woot, she didn't shit the bed!" to "Awww, she brought da baby!"

Quick question popped up in my head: "What the fuck kind of parent are you to haul a special needs kid out on national stage at 11pm?"

Answer: A shitty one, playing politics with children.

That Hypocrite Pope

Today:

Benedict says that "now with the collapse of big banks we see that money disappears, is nothing and all these things that appear real are in fact of secondary importance." He urges those who build their lives "only on things that are visible, such as success, career, money" to keep that in mind.

This is, of course, because Pope Benedict is the head of an organization that benefits when everything goes to shit, when people are tired of the political spin and don't quite understand what's happening. They go to church; they drop more into the ushers' baskets.

Uncertainty breeds money for The Holy See.

Christianity is, at its base, supposed to follow the teachings of Christ, who renounced all things in the physical world for the spiritual world, and taught his followers to do the same. Ironically enough, the purported stronghold of Christ's teachings, the Vatican, is worth billions in the physical leanings of priceless art, artifacts, treasures, and manuscripts.

Perhaps, Pope Benedict, if you were able to divest yourself of some of those worldly holdings and aid in helping those in need - you know, like Jesus would do - then perhaps you'd be less likely viewed as a hypocrite. Don't tell me I'm not following Jesus' path by having a 401(k) plan when a fart from the Vatican vault could help thousands.

And if the world were to follow your advice and value nothing physical and focus on only their spiritual development? Well, then, the Catholic Church would again become an enormous power to be reckoned with, wouldn't it?

Isn't worldly power...worldly?

Might want to read that Bible again, Benedict.

Keating Economics

McCain decided to blow up Obama's ties to Ayers, as well as blow up Ayers as a TERR'IST. Aside from it being bullshit (and I will have more on that later), McCain is letting out his old man stink; he's panicking because we've got a month to go. Problem with his strategy is that no one wants to talk about Ayers. We're a little too worried about the economy, our 401(k)'s - if we have enough to put into them.

And the worst part is that McCain's actions during the Keating scandal are directly related to what is going on now. Let's review, shall we? The Obama campaign released this gem just today. It's 13 minutes long, and will get you fired up.



Pass it on.

Bailout or Martial Law?

Some members of congress have been informed that without the bailout, Martial Law would be instituted.

From BoingBoing:



Last week everyone was shouting that the markets were sucking some ass because the bailout didn't pass. This morning I heard that the international markets were tanking before out opening bell because - suddenly - people internationally realized the bailout is a Band-Aid, not actually fixing anything.

WTF?

That Whole Palin Biden Thing

I know I promised a point-by-point, but about halfway through, I almost turned it off.

Biden spoke commandingly and knowledgeably about all the topics, outlining what an Obama administration would mean for America. Palin was informed, but much of the time blatantly refused to answer the question at hand, and did not address how a McCain administration would be better than Bush. Ifill, brow-beaten by the media about her book and docile to avoid any and all criticism, refused to play any role as a moderator with follow-up questions, and decided tossing out subjects without enforcement was a better way to handle things.

No one biffed too hugely and no one over-dominated. In other words, it was boring. And Friday the left wing declared Biden the winner and the right wing radio folks were giddy as schoolgirls because Palin didn't shit herself on stage.

And where the fuck were the chairs?

Catullus on Aemilius

Mrs. Shambles had to write something for a Roman history class, and I found this lovely, contemporary translation of Catullus. For those of you who don't know, Catullus was an Ancient Roman poet, contemporary of Caeser and Cicero whose straightforward, unapologetic, and sometimes baudy language makes him a joy to read. He's been compared at times to Charles Bukowski. Here's a sample:

97.

I almost can't tell if it makes any difference
greeting Aemilius from the front or behind.
The smell is so awful. Perhaps his ass is less
hideous because it has no teeth. The ones he has are a foot long,
his gums are rotting, and his lips are like a donkey's
cunt as it parts on a hot day when she is taking a piss.
He says he fucks the girls. He thinks he's charming.
He is so dumb he can't even walk a miller's donkey
around a grinding wheel. If there's a woman anywhere
who would touch him, she'd have no problem licking the
diseased ass of an aged hangman as he waits between jobs.


Who thought Roman poetry could be so much fun?

Palin vs. Biden. And...Fight!

Yes, this debate would be so much better as a modified version of Mortal Kombat with Palin's Brain Short Circuit and Biden's Howl-Down fatalities, but where's the schadenfreude in that?

I haven't done it in a while, but I'll have an entry up tomorrow morning about the ensuing absurdity that will be the sit-down chat the VP candidates are having tonight. Which means, if you do not recall, any point I think is worth noting, snidely commenting about, or ranting on.

Getchur popcorn and pringles and pinot grigio ready. It's going to be a good'un.

UPDATE: I watch about 20 minutes a day of MSNBC unless I'm lucky to be free to catch whatever I can of Olbermann. I did, however see this exchange with Matthews about whether Biden will help Palin adjust her chair at the debate.

As opposed to Mortal Kombat style, I'd prefer this part to be very Jerry Springer. You know, Palin "represents Joe six-pack," so perhaps she should set the tone by running out on stage, picking up her own chair, and clobbering Biden, screaming "Adjust that, you insider BLEEP-er!" And bald-ass Steve comes out and just crosses his arms and everything settles down until Palin is asked about Russia and she leaps on Biden, trying to claw his eyes out, screaming "Russia ate my first kid, you BLEEP-er!"

And then they bust out the paternity test.

Or not. But one can wish.

The Ignorant Vote

I've talked about it before. Case in point:



To clarify: Barack Obama is only half plain-woven cotton fabric.

Obama Biden Terrorism

My brother brought this up to me right after the Biden announcement, wondering - with all the Muslim-hatin' Conservatives out there - why chose Biden?

O(b,s)ama Bi(n La)den

I'm waiting for the nutters to go there. If they haven't already.

Palin on Reading: Ummmmm...

Sarah Palin was asked what newspapers she reads on a regular basis to stay informed. The Journalist cum Governor cum VP Candidate got involved in the following verbal version of Chevy Chase playing President Ford:

COURIC: And when it comes to establishing, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this to stay informed and understand the world?

PALIN: I’ve read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media.

COURIC: Like what ones specifically?

PALIN: Umm… all of them. Any of them that have been in front of me over all these years.

COURIC: Can you name any of them?

PALIN: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news… Alaska isn’t a foreign country where it’s kind of suggested it seems like, wow how could you keep in touch with what the rest of Washington, DC may be thinking and doing, when you live up there in Alaska. Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.

I believe she should be in the cast of Heroes for season 3; every time Palin speaks, the basic lack of coherence causes short-circuits in the analytical parts of thinking peoples' brains with the apparent, intentional goal of turning the country into a bunch of drooling goons who will finally accept the still lingering bullshit fear that Obama is a Muslim. In other words, her super power is the ability to make the world like West Virginia and guarantee a McCain landslide.

McCain Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout No Economies

Brave New Films:



What an asshat.

Corruption Under the Radar: U.S. Attorneys

I know everyone's poop-headed over Palin and making sure their portfolios aren't swimming with the fishes (hint: they're probably not), but hey, do you remember that one time when the Bush Administration fired those nine U.S. Attorneys and everyone was all like "You can't do that with partisan politics" and Gonzales was all "We're so not" and liberal bloggers were all "Uh-huh!" and Bush was like "Um, nun-uh?"

A 400 page report has been released with the following conclusion:

"Our investigation found significant evidence that political partisan considerations were an important factor in the removal of several . . . U.S. attorneys."

No shit. Eugene Robinson has a good bit at WaPo. Pass it around.

Kucinich on the Bailout

Almost makes me want to move back to Cleveland.

We'll Call It: The Sarah Palin Stain

I do believe the Republicans have been shitting themselves for the last few weeks, and the squeezes have become more stringent in the last few days, as Palin prepares herself to be chewed up, humiliated, belittled, and spat out by none other than Joe Biden this coming Thursday.

I can't fucking wait.

But the spots on the conservatives' pants are beginning to show.

I have unverified reports from Mrs. Shambles who heard it on NPR that there is a movement afoot on the right to pull her from the ticket.

Oh, please, please, please keep her. It's been so much fun attacking the blind faith ditto-heads the last few weeks with reality.

Updates if this pans out.

e-Sympathy

While I was away last week, a company I've been working with for almost three years sent me an e-card expressing sympathy, dated the day after the funeral. Because of spam filters, I got it this morning.

I think I'd appreciate the sentiment if it felt like there was any there. The equivalent of a curt email with clip art? Late? I was going to say "talk about phoning it in," but making a phone call may have actually taken ten minutes.

Is this a statement about society, or a single case of egregious laziness? Is it ever appropriate for real-life people with whom you have real-life relationships send an e-card when someone close to you has died?

What do you think?

Still on the Andrew Wilkow

Even though I posted Andrew Wilkow: My New Pain in the Ass back at the beginning of March, it's one of those posts that just won't die: every week or so I get another comment, usually from a conservative troll, sans grammatical or linguistic ability, too afeared to post anything except as Anonymous.

This week was no different. Anonymous first seemed centerist, argued that aesthetic traits (whiny) are irrelevant to any argument against a person. Then:

"Most liberal statements are, in all truth, irrelevant, or crafted in a manner which simply appeals to aesthetics and the dog-like qualities."

Ah, to the crux. I replied:

Most critical conservative statements are generalizations, based on untruths, peppered with obfuscation, and punctuated with one thing the ignorant masses can hang onto, such as "he's a commie!"

Liberals also tend to be more internet savvy and understand the importance of signing posts and owning your own words.

And on a sidenote, aesthetics carries a great deal of relevance, especially when all you have to go on is the voice itself. If your word choice, tone, temperament, and speech pattern peg you - in my mind - as a collar-popping guido douchebag, there's not much you can say that can break through that. Lynn Samuels has a voice like nails on a chalkboard interrupted by a smoke detector. Hence, I don't listen.

Finally, tips for credibility. This is for you, trolls! Want to come across as intelligent? Here's how:

• Post using your username and claim some responsibility for your words
• Grammar and spelling are important; Firefox has built-in spellcheck.
• Make a substantial (or humorous) post without devolving into "ur a stupid librl whoz stupid n stuff"

I know. That last one is probably asking a bit too much.

Back & Damien Jurado

I'm back, but my head's still not in the game. Heard a new artist while I was away: Damien Jurado.



Yeah, that's the tone of my aura at the moment.

I did get an unsolicited DVD of Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against the West in the mail today from The Clarion Fund. I'll have to take a look at it. Soon. Soon.

Vader Lovin

This from Gizmodo, who is having a caption contest on this most disturbing image.

My fav? McCain/Palin '08!

Brilliant.

(p.s. This is my 666 post)

Grandpa

I got the call this morning. He died in the night. (previous post) Off to Cleveland for a few days. Wake on Saturday, funeral Monday. Just about the only thing Catholics don't do on Sunday is bury their own. We'll have to get drunk instead.

I guess the weirdest part for me (and for everyone who goes through the death of someone close) is the sense of isolationism, like the temporal bubble in the sixth world in Braid for Xbox 360 Live Arcade. For those living outside of Kingdom Dork, it's slipping into another world, returning to family, sharing a time, sharing a space completely unique to you and your loved ones; dramas will erupt, sadness will prevail, flippantly change sex mid-stream to joy, and quickly revert, and no one else knows about it. No one else is privy to that chunk of reality. And you might catch a glimpse of that outside world, some snippet of television news, and say "meh, that doesn't concern me" because you're in that subjective bubble and you're not wrong for pausing, the world's wrong for going on and you just want to fucking shake it and scream "Goddamnit, STOP! Look! Here! Take a fucking second and recognize that a wonderful man has died, forever dedicated to his family, a war hero that killed not one living person, saved lives as a firefighter, then prevented deaths as a fire inspector, someone who has inspired two generations going on three. Grandpa. Stop. Look...."

But I guess there is solace in the fact that when I get back, John McCain will still be a douchebag. Some constants will weather the temporal bubble.

And I'm going to need some solid, positive energy come Monday morning. I'm apparently the only grandchild giving a eulogy. And if you've been reading a while, I can be an emotional disaster.

Thanks in advance.

I'll post when I can.

Today's Special - A Whole New World

My friend Brent sent me a lovely link to Today's Special that talks lovely smack about Palin's Pad in Alaska. It's a wonderful blog that I will soon Linktastica! for posterity, something it could have garnered simply because of being called Today's Special and having a picture of Muffy (Nickelodeon fans of yore unite!).

But this is good. I actually read back to April of this year because it was so wonderful and caught this gem. Watch it all the way through.

Electric Slide - Cincinnati Style - YAY!

Well, it's been done: our little part of Cincinnati got back on the juice and not only that, but Time Warner wasn't a total wanker, and I'm writing this to you on my computer! On the internets! Yay!



I, of course, mean that apprehensively. Yay means over 200 emails to slush through, an angry company out-of-state that doesn't have understanding or empathy outside a 20 mile radius, and lots of catch-up.

It also means that I have and others do not: still, hundreds of thousands are without power, and trying to find lunch - let alone a place that takes a credit card machine - can take you ten miles out during a gas shortage in the area.

Pictures tomorrow. Must reconnect.

Mobile - Cincinnati Darkness Again

500K still out.

I was driving around, hunting for lunch today and snagged this pic. May have to click on the biggie, but there's a street sign attached to that mound.

Fridges and freezers out everywhere, spotty power, but Duke's pulling NC resources to join the TX callback and hoping I can join the living sometime soon.

More tomorrow on the Cincinnati Ike 2008 mess.

Tons of pics when I get the internets.

Mobile - Still Darkness in Cincinnati

Yesterday, we pulled out the camping stuff and grilled some eggs and ham and toast before it all went bad. Everything else in the fridge found the bottom of a garbage bag.

We spent about three hours clearing debris from the yard, took a couple walks, found a sole mom n pop place with a very limited menu.

And then the novelty wore off. I know - spoiled, whiny. I think if I had to hunker down and truly get into survival mode (like when the zombies come), I'll be good. But we keep hearing on Little Miss Shambles' battery operated, lime green radio of an unnamed ten thousand that has power and I keep thinking 'we're next.'

Last numbers sometime yesterdsy were 2 million homes out in Ohio, still over 500,000 out in Cinci area, with Hamilton Co. In an official State of Emergency.

And yes, I'm only posting because I pulled a charge from the car.

More later. After we find some food.

Mobile - The Darkness in Cincinnati

While the damage in Texas is still being assessed, Sunday saw much of Ohio - Cinci in particular - bitch-slapped by the back hand of Ike. No rain; all wind.

This image is a car across the street with a tree on top. Dozens of streets were closed due to power lines and trees. Our power went out around 3pm to add to the grand total of an estimated 680,000 in the Cinci area without power. And it could be 3-4 days before everyone's back.

As of 4am, jockey on the oldies station (only one I can get in, of course) said Duke Energy said it was down to 603,000, but was quoted as saying this is like nothing -evar- that they'd seen.

Mobile updates if I can, but have to preserve the charge on the phone. Thank goodness I just got a car charger. Gas = blogging; how green is that?

One last bit. The car in the image is a Saab with temp tags, purchased on the 7th. We met the owners yesterday evening. Turns out it was only parked there because the clutch on their new car had gone out.

It could be worse; I could be that guy.

The Employee Free Choice Act

Here's some delicious from Brave New Films promoting the Free Choice Act.

Love it.

Everyone's Going Totally Apeshit Over Ike! Yowza!

Looks like Ike's going to bring it to Galveston and Houston like he did to Tina, were he in a trajectory of a parallel universe where he could smack one Tina, then the other. Or something. It's going to happen in about 12 hours and it will not be pretty. And I have nothing to say about the "We jus goan hunker down" idiots.

A woman I work with in North Carolina said everyone's going apeshit: gas is up over a dollar a gallon from yesterday, gas lines at every station for blocks, backing up traffic, gas rage, everyone's angry, cats and dogs living together...mass hysteria!

Across the river from Cinci here, Kentucky's governor is evidently seeing a problem, because he's declared a state of emergency, invoking KY's anti-jelly - I mean anti-gouging law.

And I just ran up to the gas station hearing all this (not to feed the madness, only in case we have to make a quick funeral run to Cleveland this weekend), and I topped off at the UDF. There are 4 pumps and there were only 3 cars. No waiting. And gas? At an only moderately unreasonable price of $3.67.

So I ask you: where's my chaos? Where's my drama? Since when was Cincinnati reasonable?

Bugger!

Barack on McCain's Bounce

From the always-lovely Blue Gal, who stole it from Blue Herald, etc.

One can wish...

Darth Vader Being a Smartass

It's always nice to be reminded of the classics (via Cinematical):

Juneau - Coming Soon

Not mine: another shout-out to my friend Brent, who found this, who still doesn't think he's got enough to say to have a blog - and therefore gets no link love, his labour, lost. :(

The Lipstick Dipstick

This post goes out to Obama, Biden, McCain, Palin, and any other other poor bastard who loves a colloquialism.

I think Chozick's Washington Wire piece sums it up well:

Obama:

says the John McCain-Sarah Palin policies don’t represent change, they’re “just calling the same thing something different.”

“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig,” Obama said during a town-hall style event here Tuesday night.

Now everybody's all sanctimoniously pissed (on the right) because Palin just said:

that the only difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom was lipstick, though the campaign said Obama wasn’t referencing Palin’s comments.

So they think he was attacking her, but if she calls herself a pit bull, it's okay? Then introducing Biden,

Missouri Rep. Russ Carnahan said Palin had “zero experience in national government, zero experience in foreign affairs. There’s no way you can dress up that record, even with a lot of lipstick.”

Oh, shit. Not more lipstick! McCain campaign fires back, calling it sexist, that Palin's the only candidate wearing lipstick, and then...and then Obama's folks uncover

a Chicago Tribune article published in 2007 during the Democratic primaries that cites McCain criticizing Hillary Clinton’s health care plan. “I think they put some lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig,” McCain is quoted as saying about Clinton’s proposal.

This is all nothing more than sanctimonious bullshit. Talk about the issues, hit them on the backgrounds, get a small group together to stop the diarrhea of lies seething through the teeth of the right wing radio machine, but stop this petty tit for tat shit.

It makes me sad for our country to see that the Republicans have only gotten better since John Kerry: better at lying, attacking, and spreading unsubstantiated rumors. That, and the ignorant sponges across the country that sop that swill, is how they win elections.

Verizon Phone Sex One-Hump Chump

From Chicago:

Joseph Vaccarelli, 45, of Nutley, N.J. made approximately 5,000 calls, resulting in 45,000 minutes of call time, Bergen County Prosecutor John L. Molinelli said in a news release.

Do the math and ...wait for it:

Mr. V lasts only 9 minutes without a woman in the room.

Then again, if he's part of the Verizon network, it may have been a speakerphone orgy with him getting a reach-around from the Can You Hear Me Now guy.

The Real John McCain v.2

Why doesn't anyone else see this?

Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

Sarah Palin Dolls - I Mean Action Figures!

Of course you have to call them action figures. If not, all the pressed-suit, white, Republican boys might feel funny about picking one up for the bathtime antics of Palin and the Enormous Penis.

I eagerly await the Palin blow-up doll.


I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooong jacket.

Intermittent Posting, Some Wisdom

Sorry about the intermittent posting. It's been an emotional couple of weeks as my grandfather slowly wastes away, now in a bed in his own home. Two days ago, he was down to methadone for medication, edema in the hands, kidneys starting to give out. Any just God would've taken the man already.

But enough of the sad; when he goes, it will be the right time. I can't live as Emotion's punching bag rag doll until it happens. I'll be enough of a mess when it does.

So in the loving vein of Good ol' USA killing dozens of kids in Afghanistan and the right wing of the radio and potential presidential campaign both deriding diplomacy and volunteerism, how about some Dali:

Real peace [is] not just the absence of violence or of war... A mere absence of war is not genuine, lasting world peace. Peace must develop on mutual trust.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

How beautiful would the world be if everyone thought that way?

NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Competition

So I entered this writing competition. First time for this particular competition, but not the first time I entered a writing competition with them. First time: won my heat, got honorable mention in finals. Second time: nothing.

This time, I'm it's Flash Fiction, meaning I have to write a story under 1,000 words. That's not the only bit. Entrants are given a genre, a place, an object to use in their stories, and 48 hours to compose and submit it.

My bit? Genre: historical fiction; Place: subway; Object: pencil.

First Round: 2nd place, 22/25 points in one of four rounds.

The next story guidelines drop at midnight tonight. Wish me good writing. Here's the story I took 2nd place with:

Orientation

[descriptive intro]
In June of 1927, Jimmy McMurphy lost his job, along with hundreds of others, when the Cincinnati Subway project shut down forever. His closest friend, Henry Amato, shows up to deliver a message that will change his life even more than the closing of the tunnels.


Orientation

Jimmy rubbed his pencil sideways on the concrete, more concerned about working it to a point than the mark he was leaving on the floor. Satisfied, he shifted on the stairs, and wrote on a defunct work order: Talk to Margaret.

Yep. That would have to be first.

“Hey.”

The word cracked like a bullwhip through the bare bones of Liberty Station and the adjoining tunnels. But Jimmy had been on for years and was used to the noises in the tunnels. He looked towards the source and was not surprised to see Henry Amato emerge into the din of the remaining lights.

Jimmy looked back at his list. “Heya, Henry.”

“What’s eating you, McMurphy?” he asked “We all took off hours ago.”

“I don’t know. Thinkin’ things through, what to do next.” He looked up at Henry. “You got a ciggy?”

Henry pulled one out, handed it over, and flicked his Zippo.

“Don’t worry. They’re short on cash. They’ll get it together and we’ll be back up before you know it.”

Jimmy took a puff and looked up. “You really believe that?”

Henry shifted his gaze.

“Don’t be a sap,” said Jimmy. “It’s 1927. It’s hard everywhere. You don’t send hundreds of guys packin’ because you’re a little short on dough.” He rested his elbows on his knees. “Foreman said so: ‘Nobody’s coming back.’”

“Yeah,” said Henry, his mind elsewhere, and snapped back. “So what you thinkin’ of doing now?”

“I don’t know,” said Jimmy, grabbing a handkerchief to mop his sweating head. “I guess they’re still building in New York. Have an in here in Cinci packing pigs.”

“Yeah,” said Henry, and smacked Jimmy in the shoulder, laughing. “You in a slaughterhouse. Don’t razz me.”

Jimmy chuckled, picked up his pencil again, and wrote one word – Orient – as the second item on his list. He rolled the paper like a scroll between his hands and looked up at the dark ceiling. “You know anything about the Orient?”

“What, like Chinks and shit?”

“Yeah – I guess – but the Far East. Mystery. Unknown. Maybe danger?

“Been at this gig six years, Henry. Never had less than one job all my life. Now I’m dropped and it’s scary, exciting.” Jimmy’s eyes lit up. “We could start again. Anywhere. It doesn’t have to be Cincinnati.”

Henry stepped back from Jimmy and turned away.

“McMurphy, you really are a damn earful.”

“I just have to figure things out with Margaret.”

Henry’s shoulders slumped. “About that,” he said.

Immediate panic wrenched Jimmy from his glowing state and cranked his head towards Henry.

A sigh escaped Henry’s lips and for the first time in years, Jimmy noticed how empty an echo the tunnel produced.

He turned. “She’s gone, Jimmy. She – she sent me to tell you.”

Jimmy jumped, his hands fists, his breath short, his eyes burning. They’d had problems, but Gone? Why?

He took two steps towards Henry, pointed at him. “You’re lying,” was all he could choke out.

“No.” Henry stepped back.

“If you’re makin’ this up, I will plant one on your kisser so damn hard.”

“Jimmy. No.”

He could tell by the look on Henry’s face he was telling the truth. Jimmy moved back and slumped down on the steps, burying his head in his hands. “Where?”

“Her mom’s in Cleveland”

Jimmy looked up. “But how? I haven’t even been –”

“C’mon, McMurphy, you’ve been stewing in this hole almost four hours. All the guys are home. We live in the same neighborhood, for Chrissakes. You don’t think word would travel?”

“Has it been that long?”

“Yeah.”

Jimmy’s eyes shut of their own accord and in that darkness, he saw red, saw Margaret and her parents in Cleveland. Orange was his own home. Alone. Breathing and breathing all the way to New York. Blue. The mysterious Orient was somehow washed in a purple white.

He opened his eyes and started – Henry was right in front of him, stooped so their eyes met. One of the two overhead strings of lights went out. They both looked up.

“You okay?” Henry asked. “Thought you went off your nut there for a minute.”

“No, I’m –”

SMACK! came Henry’s hand. “Then snap out of it, McMurphy. Come over to my place. Anna’s been saving some gin. We’re going to get an edge. It’ll be like a regular juice joint. To hell with the world.”

Jimmy stared at Henry’s brilliant grin with both amusement and sorrow. “Then you’d better go,” he said.

The remaining light glowed around Henry’s head as he stood. “Don’t be a wet blanket.”

“Just go.”

“McMurphy, I—”

“Henry? Scram. And I mean that.”

The last string of lights flickered – but remained lit – in Liberty Station.
“I’d better go then.”

Jimmy smiled. “Yeah, you’d better.”

Henry walked back into the darkness from whence he came. “See you later?”

“Sure.”

Henry’s head turned back over his shoulder to see the man on the stairs. “Hey, don’t take any wooden nickels, you harp.”

“You neither, ya wop.”

And he was gone.

The scrolled-up paper lolled back and forth on the concrete, pushed by whisps and whirls of what would never become a real ventilation system. Jimmy picked up that paper and rolled it open.

On the top: Talk to Margaret

Below: Orient

And underlying it all, the orders and plans that had given his life structure for the last six years and now meant even less than the marks scrawled over them.

On the top: Talk to Margaret. She would need time. He would need time. Jimmy picked up the pencil once again and scratched out the first item.

Below: Orient

“Yep,” he said aloud. “That would have to be first.”

He leaned over and drew, again, on the concrete, in no discernable pattern. Loops and whirls gave way to crossovers and blank patches as the graphite wore away and the wood of the pencil folded over on itself and allowed not one more thing to be written.

UPDATE: Are they trying to kill me?

GENRE - Romance
LOCATION - A mountain summit
OBJECT - Nail clippers

I'll have more later.

Palin Baby Daddy a...Baby, Daddy - Updated

I'm looking for Levi Johnston's MySpace page, but until I find the link, here's the excerpts:

On his MySpace page, Johnston boasts, "I'm a f - - -in' redneck" who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.

"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess."

"Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass," he added.

He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids."

Classy.

Plays hockey? Sarah Palin coaches hockey. For the creepy folks out there: Mom does daughter's boyfriend, fakes daughter's pregnancy, mom ends up with daughter and grandchild from same father! Yay speculation!

UPDATE!

It's obviously gone through a little refining, but obviously not at the hands of the McCain campaign, and it can be found here: http://www.myspace.com/levilovesbristol.

New insights? Of course:

I wont be run out of myspace just because of some fuckin newspaper people working for obama. What my future mother-in-law is doing has nothing to do with me or Bristol, but I want everyone who reads this to know, every time they attack us for being human, they show why America needs leaders like Sarah Palin.

If you came to my page just to be political, you are wasting your time. But if you came and want to throw a shout out for support, bring it on!

And setting the profile to private is apparently beyond his computer skills.

My girl is my life, for real. Bristol is what I live for, and now as everyone knows, I will be a father soon. Yea, I am young, but I still know what love and commitment mean, and love evry minute of my life.

Go Warriors! Yay hockee!

The New Folks - For Me

I'd be remiss if I didn't formally welcome Texas Oasis and all the way from oy to vey to my Linktastica!

Welcome! I look forward to being reminded to read your blogs, reading your blogs, and wondering why I don't visit more frequently.

Cheers!

McCain's Chelsea Joke

McCain reportedly told a "joke" about Chelsea Clinton in 1998, saying: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

So, who's saying "Yeah, we'd like more of this!"?

Oh, the Republicans.

Add it to the "cunt" comment. Square it by Palin. And see how many disgruntled Hillary-supporting women this posturing septuagenarian will gather.

None.

Ramble: Grandpa, Hospice, Cleveland, Waiting

Peter, 2008

That was the last really good picture anyone was able to take of my grandfather.

Grandpa was brought to America as an infant aboard the Lusitania's sister ship, the Mauritania, so his father didn't have to give him or his older brothers up to mandatory military service in Europe. He subsequently volunteered for WWII and ended up flying with and repairing PBYs in lieu of a dream of war photography (he was promoted on his first day in the field because he could type).


Grandma and Grandpa (right couple), 1945

After the war, he became a Cleveland firefighter, then fire inspector, raised a family of three kids who brought him 10 grandchildren, half a dozen great-grandchildren to date.

Grandma passed away in '96, but he lived strong, independently, taking up woodcarving and pursuing his love of photography in a world that was turning dauntingly digital in front of his eyes.

A few months ago, circulation issues suddenly decided to reveal themselves, and his leg was amputated below the knee. Then above the knee. Then his "good" foot didn't look good, but he was getting around. And diagnosed congestive heart failure kicked in. That's what sent him to hospice.

And now we wait. For anyone who has not been in a hospice situation with a loved one: that's what you do. Hospice is there to make dying as comfortable as possible. I'm glad to report that he is comfortable.

Doctors have told us everything from "it could be hours" to "he's doing well" and back again. For those not initiated, that is also normal.

I was very lucky on the two trips I took to see him lucid for much of the visit; other family reported hours of sleeping, raspy breathing, and terrifying apnea. It was foggy, iffy, and it could be funny ("Have the children been gathered and locked in the basement?" WTF?), but it could also be deep, meaningful ("See, we belong here, but we also belong to the infinite. Sometimes you just don't know where you should be.").

Methadone will do that to you. But the worst thing is to dismiss it as I heard so many times: "He's on medication." Yes, he is. But he's trying to talk through that filter right now. I've taken 15 bong rips and been in a similar state, grasping for words, cognizant of the mistakes I was making, employing self-deprecation and reminding folks I'm fucked up.

My grandfather is the most principled, relaxed, wise, and truly Christian man I know. He is the closest thing I've ever met to what is said about Jesus.

About 8 years ago, I spent many an evening for hours at a time with a Digital Audio Tape Recorder, Grandpa, and some coffee. I gathered his story from when he came over, and his life and times and stories and wisdom. I edited the audio, burned it to CD, transcribed it, added pictures, and bound copies for my entire family. None of that NPR 3 minute BS, this was 3 hours of awesome, of geopolitical European history, of Ellis Island immigration and quarantine, of taking railroad coal and your own piece of America, of defending America and raising an amazing family. And of solicited wisdom. Full-on, audio-lovin', war and wisdom.

Back to reality: My father had some great conversations with him, some candid ones too: he understands he's going; he wants to go; and superhero/super-American/super-Christian doesn't find himself worthy. Which, of course, proves his worthiness. He literally told my father he didn't know how to let go, should he be taken.

So we pray, send thoughts, try to help him beyond the veil.

So I've rambled enough and if you've read this far, thank you. We wait because it could be hours, it could be days. We don't know, so we wait.

And I'll leave you with the words of a very wise man I never would have guessed had it in him: "Only his spirit knows when it's time. And when it happens - it'll be perfect."

I've volunteered: I just hope I can make it through a eulogy.

Thanks.

Now let's get back to diggin' up Palin trash!

Palin Loves on Bridge to Nowhere

Great job to The Real News on this research:

The Palin Question(s)/Comments

Okay, so there are many questions about the beauty queen, anti-feminist, pro-lobbyist, newly-minted veep candidate. I've been preoccupied all weekend (more later), but in my couple hours of catch-up, I've got a question. Or two. Or a comment. Or something.

For as much as parental responsibility and "control of your kids" is touted by the right wing, the radio freakies are treating Bristol's pregnancy as though it makes her more "common folk" where if it were a Democrat's daughter it would be "they can't control their kids; how will they control a country?" The real question is: did Sarah Palin, like a good conservative Christian and denier of reality, preach the failing Bush gospel of abstinence-only, which resulted in a first hand account of exactly how well it works?

And "common folk?" I'm guessing Gov. Palin will probably hire a nanny for her kid's kid, and Bristol will continue on to a high-end college and promising career, whereas single mothers all over America every day are not so lucky.

Comment: If Sarah Palin can use the fact that she chose to have a Down's Syndrome child (why was there even a test done?) to establish her anti-choice, conservative cred, then her minor child's out-of-wedlock pregnancy is fair game as an example to take it away.

(sidenote: The story of Palin covering up for her daughter's [potentially "first"] pregnancy is an intriguing read. Coming out with Bristol's pregnancy to refute rumors when it does no such thing smells of my daughter's ability to readjust the story to let out just a bit more truth. And now comes the pause where she waits to see if we like to drink hogwash.)

{Alternet's Top Ten Most Disturbing Facts and Impressions of Sarah Palin

Last thing, for real but not really for real: Isn't a meteoric rise from obscurity one of the signs of the Antichrist? Is there anything directly that says it has to be a He?

Very Brief Hiatus

I've been a bad, bad blogger this week.

My grandfather was taken to a hospice center on Tuesday after a prolonged battle with circulation issues in his legs. We're headed up for the weekend.

Hopefully back on Tuesday.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Michelle's Speech & Disenchantment (but not with her speech)

Did you see Michelle Obama last night?

Me neither. I own an XBox360 now - and just downloaded Bionic Commando: Rearmed.

But it was supposedly pretty good according to some sources. Anyway, you know me - meh - here it is. I'll comment in YAY or capitalized MEH after I actually watch it.



UPDATE: After viewing: no capital letters, but still meh.

She looked good, she delivered her speech in that perfect "I'm not a professional speaker but passionate about what I speak of" tone with lovely pauses, almost no UMs the hubby's famous for (in my mind).

I guess it's a level of sad disillusion about politics based on heading into the same hurricane with the same slam ads, the same commercials that border slander, and the same ignorant public, many of which think Barack Obama is a Muslim while others eat up the bullshit lie that his birth certificate is invalid with sporks, pitchforks, and hunting knives.

I'm 31 (personal bit!). This will be the fourth presidential election I get to take part in since my 18th birthday. Two of the three previous elections resulted in questionable and borderline fraud from the voting booths to the Supreme Court.

Can I expect better?

No. Apparently the only thing we've learned from "hanging chads" is that we need to eliminate paper - and accountability. And now Diebold machines that can be hacked with a magnet and a PDA are being instituted all over America. Machines designed by a company that has tight ties to the Bush administration, machines that have a history of complete failure (I noted at least one "memory card" issue during the primaries).

Let's throw in voter scare tactics by Republicans, just for shits and giggles.

What do we have now? More - but not better - technology, more advanced intimidation tactics not focused on discouraging illegal practices but people not entirely certain of their rights, and more lies and lies and lies.

And that's why I'm "meh" today. I hope America works this time, but there are many, many people working to make sure they fry the circuits or piss on the keyboard or steal the whole computer.

Let's be vigilant. Give me to Thursday. I'm hoping for a rally cry.

Dennis Kucinich in Denver

Kucinich is in Denver this week (duh!) and will be speaking today: Tuesday!

From his office:

Dear Friends,

Yesterday, kicked off what promises to be a great week for Kucinich supporters as we arrived in Denver for the Democratic National Convention. We will be reporting daily from Denver so keep an eye on our website for updates!

Tomorrow, Tuesday, Dennis will address the Democratic National Convention on the pressing issue of the Economy. Be sure to tune in at around 6:00pm ET.

This week too, both the New York Times Magazine (Sunday August 23) and the Washington Post Magazine (Sunday August 31) have special feature articles on your Voice in Congress, Dennis Kucinich.

Dennis will also be on a number of other shows this week including the Bill Maher Show, CNN, The Randi Rhodes Show, Hannity and Colmes. We will give you Dennis' media appearance notifications on Twitter.

Love that man, and I wish I was in Denver.

Who's Got Giant Wasps?

I've got giant wasps!

Just when I thought all the summer excitement of the cicadas of Cincinnati was completely gone (except for the occasional husk), there is more fun!

Yesterday, I was outside and, like any good homeowner, weed-whacking, when I looked down to see a large mound of obviously-dug-out dirt. Next to another one. There were almost a dozen, actually, anywhere from four to nine inches in width.

What the hell? Moles again? Some kind of crazy ants?

So I did what every reasonable male without supervision would do: I poked one of them with a stick. And I poked again. And from a certain angle, I could see the entrance hole in one of these buggers. and it was about as thick as my pinky finger.

That's no ant.

Figuring that it was innocuous, I stood back up, picked up the weed-whacker, and just before I pulled the trigger - a deep, resounding "Bzzz-bzz-bbzzzzz" and I turned quickly to catch a quick shift of movement to match the noise and ...this:


Not My Picture

That image is about right: hovering from the dirt nest like an Apache Chopper, and slowly moving in my direction, was a wasp larger than I'd ever seen. There was black and there was yellow, but my senses were first overwhelmed by the tremendous noise it made and then by the fact that it was almost two inches long and as thick around as my pinky finger.

So I did what every reasonable male without supervision would do: I dropped the weed whacker, screamed like a schoolgirl, and retreated twenty feet, doing a twitchy, shivering dance of sorts. After calming down and seeing several of these behemoths come and go, I slowly reeled the weed-whacker in by the power cord and retreated to the internets to find out about this monstrosity.

The Cicada Killer (Sphecius speciosus)

The boring part of the story is that these guys are called Cicada Killers. Regionally, they have adapted to their habitat and emerge only after the cicadas - surprise! They tunnel into the dirt, one female per mound, and bind up their eggs with cicadas so their babies can feed...when the cicadas wake up.

The males, most often seen, cannot actually sting. And the females, who can, will only do so if stepped on barefoot or grabbed.

Aren't you lucky! This means at least one more post. I've got some pictures of the mounds, but by the time I got my blood pressure down and opened a beer, it was nearing dusk, and I couldn't catch any pics of the wasps. Better luck tomorrow.

Christ Died For Our...

I used to have this as a magnet on my fridge and had one of those "Wherever did that go?" moments. I really don't know.



I will have to get another at Big Fun in Coventry (Cleveland) next time I'm by.

What the Internets Say: Bugs!

In doing some insect research (more coming on that), my Firefox tabs again provided me with situational humor.



Bugger.

Kids in the Hall - Gavin - Painting a Chair

Earlier this week, I was pining about Gavin painting a chair.

So instead of whining about a clip, I simply made it available. Yay!

Enjoy!

Chainsaw Maid

What more could you ask for than a chainsaw-wielding maid, dispatching zombies in claymation? Nothing.

Thank you BoingBoing.

Does McCain Know Anything?

It seems that John McCain doesn't just have trouble remembering his houses. At the National Review:

Like any limousine liberal, McCain prefers the symbolic gesture to walking the walk. In our News interview, he was asked what kind of car he drove. As with Politico’s question about home ownership, he didn’t know and had to ask a nearby aide. “A Cadillac CTS,” she told him. But then the senator was quick to point out that he had bought his daughter a Prius — the prefect halo symbol for his green pretensions.

I believe there is a slight chance that he will completely lose his mind and step beyond batshit crazy before November. Then again, that may garner him more votes.

Just no one ask him how much a gallon of milk costs.

Douchebag Humor: The Surefire Muslim Killer

I tire quickly from people - even friends - who barrage my inbox with "this is humor" and "interesting facts" that were debunked by Snopes back in '95.

Especially shit like this:

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

I have a wonderful sense of humor. This does not fall into that sphere.

I Can Fly!

Yes. Yes, you can.

When we were in Columbus, we went to the Columbus Zoo. Many more aminal pictures to come, along with some choice words about crowds and stupid people.

My Man Bag

While I was out at Little Miss Shambles' Columbus Feis, we stopped at the Irish Cultural Festival for the rest of the day and evening and I finally got myself a man bag, a.k.a. man purse. Between my honkin' Treo, house keys, car keys, and the almost-constant writing notebook and current book or two, I've been longing for this for over a year.



It is wonderful.

I just thought you should know.

This is Really Wrestling

I swear.

(shout out to my good friend Brent for making my day with this)

The Kids in the Hall - Gavin

Oh, it's been so long. I woke up this morning with a hankerin' for some Gavin (as played by Bruce McCulloch). Unfortunately, I can't find the Painting a Chair skit, so I can't expound upon how in England everyone only has one spoon. Alas, I found a substitute.

If you're not familiar, take a look. It's worth every golden second.

NBRA Billboard Bullshittery

From the National Black Republican Association:

This is a campaign like no other. With your help, we will put up 50 - that's right - 50 "Martin Luther King, Jr. was a Republican" billboards all over the City of Denver, while the Democratic Party is having their national convention there.

I didn't realize five people could be an association.

Seriously, though, I don't understand how an African-American could belong to a party that has a proven record and continues to strive towards the disenfranchisement of millions of low-income, minority voters.

I guess money trumps race any day.

Kitten vs. Newborn '08

Lest we forget that it's not just an Obama/McCain campaign, I'd like to take a moment to recognize the true battle raging in America today:

Brad Espisito


vs.

Frank Tambanelli


It's the classic struggle of kitten vs. newborn, the epic tail of the cute kitty vs. a baby in a suit.

Visit the sites. Watch the videos. Laugh your ass off. Thank Adult Swim.

It should come as no surprise: I'm voting for the kitty.

Yoda the Four-Eared Cat

Yoda:



...or Evil Kitty.

I do believe we'll be sticking with a feline theme today.

The Real McCain: McCain's Mansions

Warning: I felt physically ill after watching this. I just don't see how so much of America can be duped by this troll. From The Real McCain site:

The Farting Preacher

Ladies and gentlemen, the farting preacher.



(via BoingBoing)

Russia Seizes Arse

Because I rarely have less than 5 tabs open on Firefox, sometimes things get truncated.



Putin: what an ass-grabber.

(Russia now has a couple thousand US weapons that they have taken from Georgia - I didn't realize we were dealing arms to Georgia.)

UPDATE: Just after I posted this, I heard two right-wing idiots spout how we must arm Georgia. I guess they don't read the news; we already did.

McCain's Citizenship?

I was angered to see Media Matters state that:

On The War Room With Quinn & Rose, guest host Mike Pintek echoed right-wing websites in questioning the authenticity of Sen. Barack Obama's birth certificate, claiming: "I still keep wondering about his birthplace and his birth certificate. I'm still not convinced that he actually was born a natural-born citizen."

Does anyone note that John McCain was born "in the Panama Canal Zone in 1936?"

Waggle the US Constitution a little and you'll find that there has never been a definitive case concerning a foreign-born man running for office of POTUS.

Could McCain be the first?

(That's a question for the idiot douchebags pulling "Obama is foreign" bullshit.)

Because You Haven't Heard Enough About Edwards...

Limbaugh, characterizing Elizabeth Edwards as a Chatty Cathy smarty-pants, stated "Edwards might be attracted to a woman whose mouth did something other than talk."

And if that's not enough for you, Andrew Wilkow has repeatedly said, in "defense" of Edwards, that for some reason Edwards didn't find Elizabeth's cancer sexy.

Fake edit: and in a quick trip to the hairdresser for Little Miss Shambles, Limbaugh picked up the 12K calories of Michael Phelps, a constantly training Olympic athlete, and feigned outrage that he was "taking more than his share," making an equation to what all the "liberals" say about America taking more than their share.

Clarification for Rush's IQ Handicap: Many Americans, because of apathy, have a "live fat and happy" mentality when it comes to pollution, garbage, carbon footprint, and the size of their vehicles that is quickly coming to a head because of gas prices. Michael Phelps is an athlete who physically needs those calories to do what he is doing, and make America proud while doing it.

Point of fake edit: after that, Limbaugh stated that "a couple of rice cakes" is all the "little" Chinese competitors need to be athletes.

All in a day's work for the soul-less far right.

Name & Date: Jessup 1979

Koolest, bad-assest space fighter jet evar.

Yet I'm unsure whether his jacket is a fighter pilot replica of some sort or just what was hawt in 1979. Or both. I was doin' so many drugs at the time... oh, I mean I was only 2 at the time.

Contraception = Abortion

If we don't start shouting very loudly, contraception could - on a national level - be redefined as abortion.

From MoveOn.org:

Can you imagine living in a place where birth control is considered an "abortion" and health insurers won't cover it? Where even rape victims are denied emergency contraception?

It seems unbelievable, but the Bush Administration is quietly trying to redefine "abortion" to include birth control. The Houston Chronicle says this could wipe out dozens of state laws that protect women's reproductive freedom and protect rape victims.1 Access to basic health care for millions of women would be jeopardized. And it's being pushed as a "rule change"—meaning, it doesn't need congressional approval.

Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt denies it.

In a world where some insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control pills, and one of the men running for leader of our country shies away from that discrepancy like blushing nun poking a dildo, I would not be surprised for a second.

What does it hurt to add your name to the NO list?

Chinese Girl a Fake

Everybody's flipping out about this Chinese girl fake singing at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. I thought it was pretty obvious.

Show Me Your Beaver: A Personal Story

When I was growing up, my folks took me and my three siblings to Niagara Falls, on the Canadian side, once or twice a year. It was only 4 hours or so away and a weekend vacation that we enjoyed every time.

Being young, we loved wandering through the different gift shops, touching and trying out all the souveniers, knick-knacks, and other jank tchotchkes. I remember one time, probably when I was about ten, we were walking up and down Clifton Hill trying to find a museum or something and we stepped into one of those souvenir shops.

As my parents were asking directions, my eyes scanned the walls, covered in colorful T-shirts and lit upon one in particular.

A caricature of a woman in a skirt, big grin on her face as the skirt was raised and a smiling, buck-toothed beaver emerged from between her legs. The caption read "If you're Canadian, then show me your beaver."

It was at that exact moment, in a small, chintzy souvenir shop on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, that I suddenly understood the slang term "beaver." Jerry Mathers never looked the same again.

Call for an Open Debate

Whoever your candidate, if you don't want to wear a drool bib to watch the debates before November, let's fight to make them open, stir the pot a bit. The other option is to rehash the previous 3 weeks of blah blah blah into one Blah two hour block.

Burger King Employee Bathing - At BK

And then this happened...about an hour away from my house. No more stops in Xenia on the way to Cleveland.




UPDATE: News Video was freezing, so I replaced with YouTube, even though they blurred out the face.

Focus on the Family: Pray to Rain Out Obama

This was on Focus on the Family's site. They pulled it. I found it.

No More Nipple Twists for Cincinnati Priests!

Are you fucking kidding me?

CINCINNATI (AP) — The Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children.

The newest version of the archdiocese's Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides.

But it says priests may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.

Victim advocates who have criticized the Roman Catholic archdiocese for its handling of abuse cases say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.

The Cincinnati archdiocese says it updates the rules every five years. The latest version, issued last week, also mandates background checks for contractors working with children.

Because that wrestling move, the tickle-kiss, is gaining somewhat of a stigma even though innocent priests keep getting tagged because of it. Perhaps the lap-sit-to-piggyback combo (is that like ass-to-mouth?) is causing concern.

NO - What the fuck!

Allow me to preclude the following comments with: 99% of Catholic priests are pious, honorable men.

But the bad apples? They enter the priesthood with or without the understanding that they like little boys, that they are pedophiles. They need to be weeded out.

And I don't know how you do that. Maybe. Hey, witch hunts worked during the Inquisition. Go big or go home!

Hannity Speaks on McCain's Despicable First Marriage

Today on Sean Hannity's radio show (don't look at me like that - I'm off the wagon - You doan knoow me!), he was confronted by an "angry liberal" who wanted to point out a couple things and actually let her speak about John McCain cheating on his first, crippled wife, and dropping her for Cindy.

Hannity actually laughed. He said he was letting her speak because "grasping at straws" about something that happened "30 years ago" was what angry liberals do. "I don't know all the details of his personal life," he said and then gave him a pass for being a POW.

If it came out about Obama that he had dumped his first, crippled wife for a tart 17 years his junior after cheating on #1, and reportedly has referred to his #2 affectionately as Cunt, sure as shit Sean Hannity would have every single report read and vetted and be talking about it every day and have fifteen interns on digging up more. No pass needed.

"I don't know all the details of his personal life."

What a bunch of hypocritical, sanctimonious fuckery.

World's Oldest Porn Star: Dave Cummings

I was reading a lovely piece at Mother Jones today and this cropped up:

68-year-old Dave Cummings, the "world's oldest porn star," says he only uses Viagra "when I'm working for a producer who's very demanding."

Hehehe...Cummings.

And what does the World's Oldest Porn Star look like (Oh, God I totally forgot to turn Safe Search back on...)?



...kinda like my grandpa. Ew. But, hey, you go, man!

Fun With Scams - Project Top Urgent

While our last project saw us made at the first email, I have learned from the experience, and right now feel like Annie Potts in Ghostbusters hitting that red buzzer and screaming "We got one!"

That's right, you sadist readers, you read it correctly: Top Urgent.

Today's solicitation comes from another HSBC person:

DR.CHRISTIAN AKWA,
HEAD OF TREASURY DEPARTMENT
HSBC BANK ACCRA GHANA

A short, unremarkable note came with this poorly 'Shopped "document" (click to see bigger)



And, for your pleasure:



So with the quick ending of our previous experiment, I took it easy and didn't lay it on too thick for round 1. Gotsta gettem used to me:

Hey Dr. Akwa,

Are you kidding? Is this a miracel? Oh, my wife, Debbie and I are having a rough time of it and our car just broke down and - are you kidding? Aw, I can't believe this!

So you're in a different country? IS Ghana in England? How does this work? I'm just wonderin to get more details to make sure you're not joshin me or tryin to pull one over on me.

I don't think we have any money over in England, but if you say so, and show me more that this is real, I think we can work this out. Just don't want to get burned. Ya know?

Talks to you soon Chris

Hoping heavily for updates to this one. Stay tuned.

Walmart Upscales Its Game?

I noticed this during the Olympics this weekend:



Walmart has apparently gone upscale. I skimmed the site: not one trace of that bouncing ball of incandescent gas, that miniature nuclear furnace, hacksaw in hand, ready to cut prices. A move from ass-clown to abstract, bargain bin to buy classy.

It's reinforced by this microsite, where you can watch an ad where a woman testifies to how Walmart helped her afford a laptop for her 11 year old kid (guessing - that's how old her kid looks).

First problem: 11 year old kids do not have or need fucking laptops. They break them.

Second problem: In places where 11 year old kids have or need fucking laptops, those kids live in $500,000 homes with parents who can afford those things with which to spoil their kids and if they drop it off the balcony into the grand foyer, Daddy will fart another $1000 and toss his kid the AmEx.

Third problem: Anyone living in that neighborhood would be anathema, driven out with torches and pitchforks, should their H3 ever be spotted in the parking lot of Walmart.


Bottom line: Walmart can put lipstick on the pig, but have you been inside a store lately? Stop in on some Friday night after a few drinks or bong rips, but be forewarned: hilarity and despair walk a very fine line in the house that Sam Walton built.

Don't get me wrong, it's great people watching, but damn. The employees look like they should be on suicide watch at death row, the shoppers exude sadness along with some rather indescribable odors - except for the manic ones, jumping up and down in the aisle because that bean bag chair's only eight bucks. Eight bucks! But, no, stop! You don't need a bean bag chair. You're shopping here because you can't buy milk for cigarettes. For the love of all things holy, put that bean bag chair down!

And then there's the millions of exploited Chinese children that are making all these lovely products, companies and jobs strongarmed into moving to China.

And then you have to go because, bummer, and the bar's still open and you can smoke a bowl on the way.

Obama Comes Back at McCain

Last we left McCain the Elder, he was saying Barack Obama was Moses.

Obama has struck back with some McCain/Bush lovefest action along with some video cut to look like McCain is pointing and laughing at YOU because you're a sucker if he wins.



I'm starting to get that "I can't wait until this is over" feeling.

Now, if he came back at McCain with a 5 iron (insert joke about balls here), that would be something.

Isaac Hayes - Chef - 1942-2008

The man, the Shaft man, the Chef man, is gone. He was 65. Our penises and women weep. Should the former continue, we will see a doctor.

Amen.

Logan the Glurge Wrestler

Perhaps I'm just a cynic, but...



...what a bunch of fucking glurge. I call shenanigans on this bullshit.

Take heed; it's coming to your inbox soon.