Tuesday, February 06, 2007

A Haggard Idea, the Haggard Cure

Praise Jesus! In a miracle that could only be brought on my the Lord Almighty and several thousand contributing, praying followers, Rev. Ted Haggard has been cured of his homo-dirty-man-sex-(and-meth) thing. One of the Kleezantsun that made sure he didn't go more queer, Rev. Tim Ralph, said that he was "completely heterosexual."

And the drag queen angels are line dancing to "I Will Survive" on the head of every pin in the world. And they're laughing.

The angels understand the human condition. Ted Haggard does not.

One one hand, we are a species of adaptation (I guess all really are, survival of the fittest, Richard Dawkins and all). But in our daily social lives, in the big questions of what we want to do with our lives, what we believe, and how we think we should behave, internal and external pressures (priests, money, etc.) can mold us, shape our world view. Someone subjected to the same torture every day, be it working in a cube farm or being beat with a stick, can learn to get along. But if there's not that much pressure to conform, if there's enough leeway to pop out of the mold, change will happen (sidenote: this is why I cannot believe in Hell; we can get used to anything. If Hell actually existed, it wouldn't be hell because souls would've gotten used to it to a certain degree. Or they would have reached critical mass, revolted, and it is now being run like a frat house).

So while in counseling for three full weeks, Rev. Ted renounced his man sex and his methamphetamine. There's the rub. Social pressures and four reverends made sure he was "set straight" so to speak. Now he's being advised to move into secular work. This will have the opposite effect. It will start with impure thoughts, quickly move to gay internet porn, and before he knows it, he'll be snorting meth off a tranny's cock with a bottle of Kamchatka Vodka shoved up his ass. The bottle will be half empty.

When forced, we are capable of amazing tolerances. When left to our own ideas of limitation, all hell can break loose (that frat Hell kind). Jesus be praised, angels dancing and all, Rev. Ted is headed for something he'd probably describe to his overseers as dirty gay naughtiness. It's coming folks. It has to. He has such a pretty mouth.

1 comment:

Fran / Blue Gal said...

I've decided to give this one a don't sugarcoat it award.