Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Octodad? Really?
Here's the trailer for Octodad: Deadliest Catch. Good lord, what in all tarnation?
And why aren't they releasing it on Xbox360?
Friday, April 20, 2012
Awesomeness Videos: Biden Bad Lip Read & Two an Awful Music Videos & Slo-mo 'Splosions (UPDATED!)
UPDATE! My man Philip at pbump was able to find a re-hosted version of this terror we call "3 Second Rule:"
(4 more songs can be painfully listened to at this link. Don't click it. Here there be monsters.)
This one I described to someone on Twitter as Rebecca Black's Friday divided by zero:
Slow Motion Explosions. My favorite is possibly the wine bottle in the microwave. Science!
And finally, here's your Joe Biden BLR. Brilliant as always:
Ohio's Republican War on Women: Planned Parenthood
It may be entertaining to look at the Republicans rearranging deck chairs as the Titanic sinks and chuckle to ourselves and know how November goes down after they haven't done a damn thing about jobs but managed to alienate the entire female population, but there are real-world consequences for their actions.
State-level Republians have carried the torch of their war on women and bludgeoned the patsy of Planned Parenthood in several states, and Ohio has become the new battleground. In a mid-budget review bill, state republicans have inserted language that would functionally defund Planned Parenthood. Nice work on the unemployment numbers, guys! And here's a link to sign a petition because sometimes that has an effect. If you live in Ohio, PLEASE contact your state representatives and give this a voice.
SIDENOTE: One of the commenters in the link above aptly notes that this legislation alteration comes within one day of Ohio returning to capital punishment. Yep, one day we serve a grown, living human being an IV cocktail of death - next day we're crying bloody murder over a bundle of cells. Yay Ohio: showing the world how backwards we are every damn day.
State-level Republians have carried the torch of their war on women and bludgeoned the patsy of Planned Parenthood in several states, and Ohio has become the new battleground. In a mid-budget review bill, state republicans have inserted language that would functionally defund Planned Parenthood. Nice work on the unemployment numbers, guys! And here's a link to sign a petition because sometimes that has an effect. If you live in Ohio, PLEASE contact your state representatives and give this a voice.
SIDENOTE: One of the commenters in the link above aptly notes that this legislation alteration comes within one day of Ohio returning to capital punishment. Yep, one day we serve a grown, living human being an IV cocktail of death - next day we're crying bloody murder over a bundle of cells. Yay Ohio: showing the world how backwards we are every damn day.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Cat Piss & Cum Shots: Spring Stinks!
It's that time of year again! Oh, the stanks of spring. Cat pee is one of them. Semen is another. Now I love my honeysuckle and my lilac bush, but urine and jizz should not fit in.
You can read my giant treatise on cum bubbles and cat pee here, but here's the gist:
To me - and three other people I've been in contact with online - juniper smells like cat pee. My entire family thinks I'm nuts because they do not experience the same thing. And it's not a faint smell, a subtle waft of something encompassed in a cornucopia of exotic complexity; when I drive to the grocery store that's surrounded by it and my car vents are open this time of year, it smells like one of my cats just took a concentrated, stinking, steaming piss in the back seat. (I would love to talk to anyone who's had the same experience. It took me two years to figure it out.)
The Bradford Pear tree smells like semen. LOTS more people have experienced this one. It's not as horribly strong as the juniper, not like "Who just rubbed one off on my face?" - more like grabbing your laundry the afternoon after you had a wet dream and catching the odor of the semi-dry, cool, musty gob emanate from the pile.
It's spring! You've been warned.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Lost n Found Jumble Bag o Joy!
Here's some stuff I found while in the process of being on the internets today (and some stuff I just had laying around). Enjoy!
Monday, April 09, 2012
Titanic 3D ...Now With More 'Splosions!
What would happen if Cameron had brought in J.J. Abrams, George Lucas, and Michael Bay for the 3D re-issue special effects? Here's the brilliant answer:
(via io9)
(via io9)
Thursday, April 05, 2012
My Senior Year Song: Tori's Winter
A little bit about me...
My senior year in high school, I was just popular enough to make it into the Senior Council and while we primarily planned the prom, we also chose the pool from which our fellow seniors would choose our class song.
During that meeting, I was sickened by the stupid, vapid choices presented. But I came prepared. When I was 18, Tori Amos's Winter was such a clear choice for a serious message of recognition of place and growth and fear that I couldn't but enter it.
Here's the song:
Lyrics? Yep:
And at the end of the day, I won. If by "won" you mean "got it on the ballot."
Two weeks later, the masses of our senior class, the masses that could not look beyond this wonderful, last year of their wonder, chose:
I wanna go back? And do it all over? Fuck that.
And that's why Winter holds a special place in my heart and why most of the people I went to high school with still live in Parma, Ohio.
My senior year in high school, I was just popular enough to make it into the Senior Council and while we primarily planned the prom, we also chose the pool from which our fellow seniors would choose our class song.
During that meeting, I was sickened by the stupid, vapid choices presented. But I came prepared. When I was 18, Tori Amos's Winter was such a clear choice for a serious message of recognition of place and growth and fear that I couldn't but enter it.
Here's the song:
Lyrics? Yep:
Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear
And at the end of the day, I won. If by "won" you mean "got it on the ballot."
Two weeks later, the masses of our senior class, the masses that could not look beyond this wonderful, last year of their wonder, chose:
I wanna go back? And do it all over? Fuck that.
And that's why Winter holds a special place in my heart and why most of the people I went to high school with still live in Parma, Ohio.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Trayvon Martin & The Racist Gun Nuts
You might as well just embrace the rage now. It's okay. Let it come.
If you have not read about the tragedy of Trayvon Martin, an innocent 17-year old African American kid, and the racist, gun-toting nut who took his life, please take a minute to brush up on some of the bullet points of this horrible event - and the deplorable way it was handled.
Now, take into account the fact that this story, while not discussed or featured in any way by Fox, did appear on its website. Now imagine all those Fox commenters goin' buck nutty over this story and making their missives known to the whole of the internets. I know, it's an ugly mental image.
Little Green Footballs did the painful digging, and has come up with a grotesque pile of the worst of the worst of the comments from the Fox posting of that story. If you have the stomach, head on over there. Either way, here's a sampling:
Whenever a prominent conservative is confronted with the idea that anyone conservative is racist or bigoted in any way, the first line of defense is that it is a liberal lie. Remember racist signs at the Tea Party rallies? Plants. Besides, Blacks would be better off in the Republican Party. Right?
I really don't have anything else but seething frustration to offer on this topic - it sums itself up, and Little Green Footballs has the long form.
Good luck and don't explode.
If you have not read about the tragedy of Trayvon Martin, an innocent 17-year old African American kid, and the racist, gun-toting nut who took his life, please take a minute to brush up on some of the bullet points of this horrible event - and the deplorable way it was handled.
Now, take into account the fact that this story, while not discussed or featured in any way by Fox, did appear on its website. Now imagine all those Fox commenters goin' buck nutty over this story and making their missives known to the whole of the internets. I know, it's an ugly mental image.
Little Green Footballs did the painful digging, and has come up with a grotesque pile of the worst of the worst of the comments from the Fox posting of that story. If you have the stomach, head on over there. Either way, here's a sampling:
What a shame—a tragedy, really— because the dead lil’ gangsta could’ve used “‘A-FIRM-TIV AK-SHUN” to go to kollige an play footballz and make lotsa cash munny!”
[…]
Let’s find out why the “po’ baby” was REALLY there!
[…]
The little thug ghetto monkey should have been home doing his homework, not out gang bangin.
[…]
I’m just glad Zimmerman didnt miss and hit an innocent bystander.
[…]
Whenever a prominent conservative is confronted with the idea that anyone conservative is racist or bigoted in any way, the first line of defense is that it is a liberal lie. Remember racist signs at the Tea Party rallies? Plants. Besides, Blacks would be better off in the Republican Party. Right?
I really don't have anything else but seething frustration to offer on this topic - it sums itself up, and Little Green Footballs has the long form.
Good luck and don't explode.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Of Bibles and Constitutions
On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at American University, was requested to testify. At the end of his testimony, Republican State Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"
Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." The room erupted into applause.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Right Wing Dichotomy in 2 Videos
Jesus built my hot rod
...but Satan is my motor.
Which based on the lyrics of the former means Jerry Lee Lewis is my motor. So maybe it doesn't make as much sense as I thought. Or does it?
...but Satan is my motor.
Which based on the lyrics of the former means Jerry Lee Lewis is my motor. So maybe it doesn't make as much sense as I thought. Or does it?
Saturday, March 10, 2012
This Is What I Write at 3am
No apologies, no explanations. This is what you get:
Yellow and Red
Mom was acting funny.
"The robots," she said. "The robots are, they're talking to me."
"What robots?" I asked.
"In the teevee, in the computer."
"Mom," I tried.
She turned around, slid the drawer, and pulled the biggest knife I'd seen in the house.
"Mom, please. Stop."
"You don't understand, Ingrid, they want me to destroy."
"Destroy what?"
"Everything," she said and forced the blade into her neck. Blood. So much blood. "Everything." She dropped to the ground, mumbling "Yellow and red. Yellow and red."
The home computer was glitchy, kept showing abstract images of rings of yellow and bars of red. I watched only for a few seconds before getting dizzy. Yellow and red.
Pulling the cords under the desk seemed to do nothing. The monitor would fizz out and then pop into life with the same images.
And there was a hum. I smashed the monitor and waited for a second only to hear the noise from upstairs. It was tilting my brain, making me just a little bit mad. I was waiting tables at a bar I'd never been to. Someone asked why I hadn't been there to pick up the slack. "I can do it," I said. "Then why aren't you here?" she answered.
The car's dead and I'm making a quick stop at the gas station down the street and I'm looking for a bag of Funyons. Funyons. But they're out and there's no beer and the only energy drinks they have are warm. Funyons. Yellow. And red.
I'm back in the living room and Mom's still alive and the remote I have has a big ON/OFF switch but when I walk to the television, I can't read it and the fizzled signal is pulling me in. I want to be a piece of face on the clothesline outside. There are already three out there, smiling, waving in the wind, flapping with the wandering joy of resignation. And I go out of the room so I can read the ON/OFF button and hold it and walk back in to flip it - and I do. And the television goes off, but only for a second, and back on. And yellow and red and yellow and red.
I feel myself going, losing my ground, but I run upstairs and I'm late for work and so ashamed because I haven't been in for a few days with no excuse and I'm just waiting on getting reamed out, waiting on getting fired. And the computer monitor is humming at me, is strobing yellow and red and I'm in an ocean-front hotel room and the giant wave is coming and I don't know how to avoid it, don't know why no one is not running away. They're all staring at me. And the wave is coming.
The television is still humming and mom is on the floor. Red. Everywhere.
"Why aren't you helping me?" I shout to no one. I run around the house pulling cords from the walls, but the humming only grows. A plane passes overhead so, so closely and crashes a few miles away in a ball of fire. Red and yellow.
Everything is pulled from the walls. The television is still on, playing a version of Super Mario Brothers I've never seen. But it's pulsing, pullling me in.
I run upstairs, turn on the shower, get to my room where the pillows are pulsing. The people-faces from the garden are stretched out, bleeding on the mattress. I can't stop anything. I can't keep my mind moving outside of the yellow and red cycle that's taking my head out. The alarm clock is even doing it, somehow making colors where there should only be sound.
We can't keep it. We can't.
The colors are daunting, consuming, and so, so wonderful.
And so: blood.
Yellow and Red
Mom was acting funny.
"The robots," she said. "The robots are, they're talking to me."
"What robots?" I asked.
"In the teevee, in the computer."
"Mom," I tried.
She turned around, slid the drawer, and pulled the biggest knife I'd seen in the house.
"Mom, please. Stop."
"You don't understand, Ingrid, they want me to destroy."
"Destroy what?"
"Everything," she said and forced the blade into her neck. Blood. So much blood. "Everything." She dropped to the ground, mumbling "Yellow and red. Yellow and red."
The home computer was glitchy, kept showing abstract images of rings of yellow and bars of red. I watched only for a few seconds before getting dizzy. Yellow and red.
Pulling the cords under the desk seemed to do nothing. The monitor would fizz out and then pop into life with the same images.
And there was a hum. I smashed the monitor and waited for a second only to hear the noise from upstairs. It was tilting my brain, making me just a little bit mad. I was waiting tables at a bar I'd never been to. Someone asked why I hadn't been there to pick up the slack. "I can do it," I said. "Then why aren't you here?" she answered.
The car's dead and I'm making a quick stop at the gas station down the street and I'm looking for a bag of Funyons. Funyons. But they're out and there's no beer and the only energy drinks they have are warm. Funyons. Yellow. And red.
I'm back in the living room and Mom's still alive and the remote I have has a big ON/OFF switch but when I walk to the television, I can't read it and the fizzled signal is pulling me in. I want to be a piece of face on the clothesline outside. There are already three out there, smiling, waving in the wind, flapping with the wandering joy of resignation. And I go out of the room so I can read the ON/OFF button and hold it and walk back in to flip it - and I do. And the television goes off, but only for a second, and back on. And yellow and red and yellow and red.
I feel myself going, losing my ground, but I run upstairs and I'm late for work and so ashamed because I haven't been in for a few days with no excuse and I'm just waiting on getting reamed out, waiting on getting fired. And the computer monitor is humming at me, is strobing yellow and red and I'm in an ocean-front hotel room and the giant wave is coming and I don't know how to avoid it, don't know why no one is not running away. They're all staring at me. And the wave is coming.
The television is still humming and mom is on the floor. Red. Everywhere.
"Why aren't you helping me?" I shout to no one. I run around the house pulling cords from the walls, but the humming only grows. A plane passes overhead so, so closely and crashes a few miles away in a ball of fire. Red and yellow.
Everything is pulled from the walls. The television is still on, playing a version of Super Mario Brothers I've never seen. But it's pulsing, pullling me in.
I run upstairs, turn on the shower, get to my room where the pillows are pulsing. The people-faces from the garden are stretched out, bleeding on the mattress. I can't stop anything. I can't keep my mind moving outside of the yellow and red cycle that's taking my head out. The alarm clock is even doing it, somehow making colors where there should only be sound.
We can't keep it. We can't.
The colors are daunting, consuming, and so, so wonderful.
And so: blood.
Friday, March 09, 2012
What Did FOX Say About Gas Prices in 2008?
Warning: this will make you angry.
Spoiler alert! They say politicians are helpless to affect the market :)
Spoiler alert! They say politicians are helpless to affect the market :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
American Teens are Dumb
At least in this school. And my daughter's school. C'mon, if it's not Twilight or Bieber or Ke$ha or Facebook, they're pretty much clueless. I give you Lunch Scholars. I suggest a helmet so you don't get brains everywhere when your head explodes.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Overheard: California Douchery at the Bar
I was in the bar the other day and was sitting near a self-professed filmmaker and producer (I know, in Cincinnati?) who was talking to a woman exuding vapidity. Both their accents were so stereotypically LA and conversation so tragically void of reason I had to take some notes.
Note: I've spent time in LA, have a brother who lives there. And many - MANY - of the people who live there are solid, reasonable, interesting folks. These were not two of those folks.
Also note: these quotes are all from the guy because the gal didn't say much in the presence of Director Diarrhea-Mouth and are not exact, but all real.
Dude looked like Joaquin Phoenix all hairy, though he was better-groomed, wore a vest, and a scarf, and an overly-trying trendy jacket.
Note: I've spent time in LA, have a brother who lives there. And many - MANY - of the people who live there are solid, reasonable, interesting folks. These were not two of those folks.
Also note: these quotes are all from the guy because the gal didn't say much in the presence of Director Diarrhea-Mouth and are not exact, but all real.
Dude looked like Joaquin Phoenix all hairy, though he was better-groomed, wore a vest, and a scarf, and an overly-trying trendy jacket.
- Producers? They make people comfortable.
- You have a yoga physique.
- I love it! (repeat 50 times)
- Yeah, I climbed Mt. Whitney with that guy. [Mt. Whitney is the tallest mountain in the 48 contig at 14.5k feet.]
- OMG the Spider-Cam [Can-Am Spider] is a beautiful machine.
- So I go back in the sauna then the shower and back - when ya go from hot to cold like that your body makes amazing noises. AMAZING!
- Evolutionarily speaking, yoga is the BEST thing for you.
- You know, the Scandinavians invented sauna.
- (Suicide Story) He's like barfing on my hand and I told him to call 911. ...in a weird psych unit - all dark - and they wouldn't let me in, but someone came through the door and I snuck in and I saw [Jim] on a gurney in the hall - alive. And I say "We can fix this." And I'm with a chick, so...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Religious Freedom: Princess Bride
One of the more clever bits of meme I've seen passed around Facebook:
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