Russia Seizes Arse

Because I rarely have less than 5 tabs open on Firefox, sometimes things get truncated.



Putin: what an ass-grabber.

(Russia now has a couple thousand US weapons that they have taken from Georgia - I didn't realize we were dealing arms to Georgia.)

UPDATE: Just after I posted this, I heard two right-wing idiots spout how we must arm Georgia. I guess they don't read the news; we already did.

Putin's Little Soldier

In a rare and candid moment, Russian President Vladimir Putin admits that his penis is, in fact, quite small.


(image source was Drudge front page, unaltered - Russians wear the wedding ring on the right hand)

Russia, China, Iran Solidifying, Threaten U.S.

I've long had my eye out on the Russia-China-Iran meetings and deals with each other and with their close buddies North Korea and Venezuela (More on China, Big 5 is 6 and Growing..., Jesus Built my Hotrod but Muhammad Pumps the Gas, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Leaf Blower, to name a few).

This came through today from the International Herald Tribune:

The leaders of Russia, China and Iran have warned the outside world to leave Central Asia alone to look after its own stability and security, in a veiled message to the United States issued on the eve of major war games between Russia and China.
...
Some 6,000 Russian and Chinese troops, dozens of aircraft and hundreds of armored vehicles and other heavy weapons will be participating the games — the first such joint drills on Russia's territory.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: WTF?

I'm useless without a terror warning. Should I be nervous? Eh, it's not part of the War on Terror, so who gives a shit?

...besides Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela...

More on China, Big 5 is 6 and Growing...

This is crossposted from my rant at All Things Democrat. I just started writing and researching and came up with too much good information for it not to be here as well. If this is paranoia and not conspiracy, it's mad uncanny.

Let's do a little focusing on China and why they're doing a little bit of scaring the hell out of me. China has a population of 1.3 billion. They have 2.25 million active troops in their People's Liberation Army with over 7 million troops total. They are a nuclear power with a spending limit that is growing by bounds and bounds every time we blink because their trade surplus is skyrocketing, recently bumping $22.5 billion (our trade profile uses the word "deficit"). This has to do with our trade practices (Wal-Mart itself imports 10% of all China's products) and our invariant deafness to still-shady human rights practices when someone's flipping a wad of Bennies in our ear.

China's feeding an already corpulent army with our fatback patronage. Some people are linking this to a history of threatening Taiwan, should they decide to get all batshit crazy and declare formal independence. So what are we doing? Surprisingly, nothing new: we've been Taiwan's primary supplier of arms since 1979; they're asking for more and we're saying they want even more than that.

Looks like we're building our own pickle just so we can be in it.

We're feeding the beast at both ends with complete ignorance about both halves and a blind eye to the military reality of the situation. We don't see the other pieces. China, this growing behemoth, is not just hungry for wealth, but to placate the masses, they must also devour oil. And today they were talking to Iran about becoming oil buddies. You remember Iran, who wants to wipe Israel off the planet? That country that Senator Lieberman (I) would like to attack?

Well, Ahmadinejad in Iran talks to Nicaragua in an "anti-US summit" and has a past of buddying up with Chavez in Venezuela (called Bushy the devil), and we call all three of them "tyrants" (or so say the Turks). Chavez is also deepening ties with North Korea, because they have a budding nuclear program and Chavez wants a piece of world domination. There is an apparent improvement in ties between Iran and North Korea, and they are both being supported by China. Russia and China are now entering their second ten-year period of "strategic partnership," Putin's got ties with Venezuela at "peak level," and last week increased marine ties with Iran were the order of the day. And this was all in the news in the last two weeks.

It appears to me that there is a growing group of malcontents who are only malcontent with us. We don't really like them and they don't really like us; they put up with us because we're big. But they're getting pretty buddy-buddy - carpooling to the office, happy hour on Thursdays - and they're coming into an understanding that if they all got together, they'd be hella-strong, like Voltron on crack. And hey, if the Ro-Beast keeps driving out to the desert every weekend, why not just keep hanging out, growing ties, and pooling resources.

And pretty soon? Well, they just came to the party to drink some oil and kick some ass. And it looks like we're all out of oil.

Kate Chase is right about Russia: there is a larger picture here. It is a web that includes China, Iran, Venezuela, Nicaragua, North Korea. Syria's not entirely out of it either.

Our only hope (besides Obi-Wan Kenobi)? Doughnuts. Yes, doughnuts. The doughnut chains are making it to China. Our best bet is to allow the delicious yet deadly pastries to infiltrate the country and hope fat travels like the clap in a trailer park. Lack of motivation and resolve will follow and they they'll be on par with us and our administration. If only we could make them stupid too...

Russia, Iran, China, Venezuela, North Korea ISO U.S. Ass to Kick

This image is being reposted for posterity. The topics that follow are not so recycled.



I have made these connections before (Jesus Built My Hot Rod But Muhammad Pumps the Gas, Putin's Pedestrian Poisoning, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Leaf Blower). It just seems like everything is ramping up as of late.

• Russia: U.S. keeps dry humping their missile defense cock against Putin's knickers and he's not having any of it, despite the polite lip service we saw at the G8. Russia's spies are at cold war levels. Are ours? Oh yeah, lotsa nukes.
• Iran continues to further its nuclear program, although reports of weapons are a little Pre-Iraq-Intelligence for my palette. He's got oil, he's got game, and now Mahmoud Ahmadinejad uses the word 'countdown' to describe Israel's end. And we still have newscasters who joke about the pronunciation of his name. Most Likely to be Invaded Before the Next Election Award goes to...
• That wacky, "ronery" Kim Jong Il is still launching missiles like a bandit and still abusing human rights in that wall-up hermitage he calls a country. Nuclear power. Most Likely to go Nuts Award.
• China continues its constant military buildup, reinforcing the People's Liberation Army over 2 million strong. Human rights abuses. Nuclear power. Wait. How many did you say?
• Looks like good ol' Chavez has the 5th largest armed force in Latin America. Venezuela is also the 5th largest supplier to our crude oil habit, making up over 10% of the top 15. He could cripple us and potentially put up a pretty good fight, especially if he's just backing his buddies. On/off talks with Iran ('bout nukes?).

The issues have shifted some, but the point remains the same: We need to watch our ass. While everyone's pointing their dick at the Middle East, the rest of the world still goes about its business. If these five countries continue the camaraderie I've pointed out before (it's been going on and it continues to do so), the U.S. could be in for a serious ass-whoopin'. You don't need all five players to join forces to get that whoopin' done either. The most interesting thing about a bar brawl are the unexpected players that jump in; and when the shit goes down, they're not always on your side.

Smackdown on Iran: No Dice

I wrote on Thursday about the possibility of Iran being bombed by us on Good Friday, as it was reported by the Israelis as it was "discovered" by the Russians. Just wanted to fess up and say: "My bad."

"Russian intelligence" is obviously as blatant an oxymoron as I first suspected. They're rocking out at the assassination aspect of the former USSR, but have yet to get their spying up to snuff.

And the Israelis propagated the myth because, well, they'd really like to see us bomb the crap out of Iran. Mahmoud makes them uneasy.

I'll keep my ear to the ground. Yes, I know. Horses, not zebras.

Coming Smackdown on Iran: Good Friday?

The crazy train's shuttling down the track, spitting whispers of border buildups and planned attacks. Who's in on it? Who are we to believe? I'll report. You decide.

Iran Ascared

Iran is afraid of being attacked by the US and Israel, which it calls "warmongers." I'm not saying they're wrong.

Actually, there's a date and time floating out there. Not that we're living in the tangible world of completely plausible reality, but Israeli news sources (J-Po) are reporting that Russian intelligence says that not only is there a buildup of activity on Iran's borders, but that from 4am to 4pm (Tehran time, I'm guessing) on Good Friday, there's going to be some tactical-grade ass-whoopin' goin' down.

British Gift

Did Mahmoud Ahmadinejad give this "gift" to Britan as a bribe not to get bombed? Everyone's looking sunshine and roses as he releases the British troops. But will it matter?

Isolated Iran?

Here's something else from Global Research: Iran is isolated

Iran is politically isolated. Unilateralism prevails within the corridors of the UN as well as within the Middle East war theater.

The US sponsored resolution in the United Nations Security Council received unanimous support. Proposed amendments to the draft resolution were discarded, following US pressures. The text of the resolution was adopted unanimously.

Neither Russia nor China, which have extensive military cooperation agreements with Iran, exercised their veto, nor did they abstain.

All that shows is that China and Russia are either wusses or they're guarding their cards.

Imagine, if you will, a bully. Let's call him Sam. And that bully is threatening, well, pretty much everyone except the lanky British kid (Nigel) in the corner. You and your friend tell the bully you won't help the little Iranian kid, Ahmed - even though you told him you guys were BFF - even if Sam starts beating him up.

Sam's feeling pretty damn good. So he goes over and smacks Ahmed. Once. Twice. You wait. Then Ahmed winds up to give some back and - oh shit, he just elbowed Abrham in the eye. They both go after Ahmed, you and Vlad jump in, and everyone, seeing Sam finally on the ground, in the sand, either pretends they aren't looking or goes in for the attack.

I'm not saying that's how it's going to go down. But it might.

Bush's Plan?

Perhaps Bush is planning a push-ahead with a military action so he can turn the argument into "Yeah, well you Congress guys better get your stuff together now because you're gonna hurt our troops big time if you keep delaying money now that we're in Iran. Big time, I say."

Whatever the strategies or tactics or whateverthehell, if these reports are correct, at 8:30pm ET, the missiles will launch.

And that was okay with one of Sean Hannity's callers yesterday, Donna from New Jersey:

DONNA: Hello Sean, I'm happy that the sailors will be returned to Britain but I think when they are safely home we should still lob a few bombs into Iran and let Iran know it's a new day and we're the boss, we're gonna set the rules, and we're gonna take action. And if anything like this should happen again, we shouldn't even negotiate. We just strike.

SEAN: Well, the problem is - and they know this - that we value life, and that at all cost, we don't want to do things that would result in the death of innocent people, in this case, these 15 British sailors and marines.

Did he just say we avoid civilian casualties at all costs? No, really. Oh, man.
**tear**

Remember: Pop your popcorn. Fireworks at 8:30 (or not and you can turn Survivor back on).

Photoshop Love: Putin's Pedestrian Poisoning?

He's baaaack!


Two Americans were recently treated for poisoning in Moscow by a toxic metal: thallium. At first I just thought that it was another Alexander Litvinenko mob hit issue, a return to the organized crime roots for Putin and Russians in general. Then something clicked. This was a test. And I blame the media.

Now, I don't know if Putin himself is a fan of CBS's Tuesday night lineup, but a couple weeks ago, the aired episode of NCIS dealt with nuclear inspectors. One of the inspectors was poisoned. With thallium.

Here's how I see it unfolding: Putin is sitting around on a Tuesday night, watching the satellite, NCIS to be exact, and an aide comes in.

AIDE: Vlad, we need some signatures on these assassination orders.

VLAD: Shhh. Leave them. I'll get to them later.

AIDE: NCIS. Sweet. Why's that guy sick?

VLAD: He was poisoned by thallium.

AIDE: Hmm. Hair falling out and everything. That shit actually work?

VLAD: I don't know. But I'm going to need you to find out.

AIDE: I just ran into some emigrated Russians downstairs. They came back, on vacation, heh. They're staying down the street.

VLAD: I guess you have your action item.

AIDE: Hehe.

VLAD: Muwahaha! Now go. You're lucky I'm DVRing this. Make me a mojito.

Sorry. That was ridiculous. They'd be speaking Russian, of course.

And even after this story broke, a Russian reporter was whacked for investigating Russian arms sales to Iran and Syria. Official reports say he jumped out of a window.

Jumped out of a window? That's not even Matlock mysterious. No one has purposefully jumped out of a window to end their life since the 80's, and even that was suspect. There are much more efficient ways to end your life, like buying a rifle at Wal-Mart and blowing your head off by pulling the trigger with your toe. Jaw-droppingly simple.

So Putin's plans progress. Assassinations digress to Cold War mob absurdity. But antics aside, as we discussed in Where in the World is Vladimir Putin? he's a man with a plan. China recently visited for a strategic meeting. China's Military Might is strong and growing. And they have something else in common with Russia: nukes.

Ancient Chinese Secret is starting to look a little more dangerous. And Vladimir Putin and Russia are looking a couple shades redder.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Leaf Blower

He'll get his damn leaf blower back when he stops building that stupid deck!

I'm sorry, that's not really accurate. He's much happier when he's mowing.


My sister came over yesterday and, seeing that our part of the neighborhood was in disarray, asked what the local drama was all about. Well, let me tell you, I said.

It's a huge mess between Uncle Sam, Inc. (this contractor who thinks he owns half the town), my neighbors to the left, Sonni and Sheila, and the guy next to them, Ami.

You see, years ago, Ami's family owned the house he lives in now. Then USI came to town with their limey buddies and got the house resold. Ami's family bought it back, a lot of bad blood, blah blah blah. A couple years ago, USI tried to do something similar to Sonni and Sheila's place; they bought the place, halfway demolished it, and are still rebuilding it while keeping on Sonni and Sheila as tenants. I know, totally retarded.

And USI might actually be getting somewhere if it weren't for all the chaos. Sonni and Sheila are constantly fighting, sabotaging each other and the contractors USI has brought in, pulling down drywall, stealing lumber, dumping adhesive. USI didn't bring in enough contractors to begin with and now has to deal with all this extra crap, not to mention that their disorganization has them bleeding money all over the place. Some of the private contractors are just sucking down cash like fat people eat cake without doing a damn thing.

USI's not happy with how things are going. Sonni and Sheila are supposed to step up and take control of the remodel, but that's never going to happen. USI's still funding a similar project across town that they can't get a handle on. It's a mess, and now we've got some of the other neighbors getting in on it.

Ami's the worst right now, in their opinion. He's insisting on building a deck. But USI builds decks and they don't want him to have one. First you let him build a deck and the next thing you know, you're looking at a gazebo. Our Jewish neighbors would not be pleased.

At first, USI was blaming Ami for goading on Sheila, giving her some tools to make things a little worse, but now they think he's working both sides just to screw with USI. So they've hired some muscle to hang out in the street in front of Ami's house. So Ami shoots off fireworks in the street and walks around real close to Sonni and Sheila's house. Firecrackers go off in Ami's back yard? He says USI's screwing with him.

And if you think USI has some friends, Ami's not alone either. He's been talking to our neighbor Sarah, and they say they're going to take USI down. He's buddies with the Russian down the street who's got a shit-ton of fireworks pointed at everyone and the Venezuelan who talks about USI like a great Satan.

And I just found out today that USI has some specific ideas about how to take over Ami's place.

I swear, one of these days they're going to bring out their guns and blow the hell out of everything. And they'll love it. More destruction means more construction and USI's one of the biggest names in town.

I just wish they all understood that this is my neighborhood too.


Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Where in the World is Vladimir Putin?

"I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul."
- President Bush, June 2001, in reference to a meeting with Vladimir Putin.


Not so much anymore.

Let's get a quick review of what's been going on with Putin.

In May, 2001, Putin met with the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. What did they talk about? Creating an alliance against the U.S. as the only super power in the world. Ouch.

The budding romance is revived in July 2006 when Chavez visits Putin. What did they talk about? Putin wants to give lots of weapons and equipment to Chavez. Plan was finalized in weeks. Rut Roh.

Soon after, we have the always memorable Chavez speech at the U.N., "The United States empire is on the way down" and Bush is "the devil." ...and they want to pursue nuclear technology.

In light of those ominous stories, this week has been...

What was that? I can't hear...what? Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy is inconclusive? Hold on, let me shut the media door.

Much better. Now, a quick look at Putin's travels this past week:
Feb. 8th - Meeting with the special envoy of the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Akbar Velayati
Feb. 12th - Qatar festivities
Feb. 12th - Putin meets with Saudi officials
Feb. 13th - Meeting with President of the Palestinian ational Authority Mahmoud Abbas
Feb. 13th - Putin in Jordan

Wait, wait. Back up one. Didn't Abbas and Fatah just hook up with Hamas?

This doesn't look good. Putin's all practically crackin' a cold one with with Chavez and Ahmadinejad (who don't like us), wants to knock us down a peg himself, is chatting with the newly-joined Palestinian family, and has made advantageous visits to the Middle East where feelings on the U.S. are an emaciated husk, securing favor and gas/oil conversations with Saudi Arabia and Qatar. Either Putin's playing a superb game of international chess or it just looks like a revenge conspiracy to rinse the taste of cold war collapse out of his mouth. I don't think Bush has left the country that often since he was elected the first time.

Is this about oil? Gas? World domination? Or is this all a lovers quarrel, a proverbial poke for an unsettling Angry Pirate?

Aawww...

But if nefarious mind of Vladimir Putin should again think to travel diplomatically (just in case it has to do with blowing up the world or stealing all the oil/gas), he should know that despite the battle over the body of Anna Nicole Smith, someone will be watching.


We know your secret. WTF?