Say Hi to the Fab N00bs!

Last person of my following bunch I said hello to was Blueberry over at Texas Oasis. Hey there again!

And since then we've got a few more! So let's all give a hardy CFC Welcome* to (if there be no link, there be no blog):

Pearl
Camila Alvares
Debra, She Who Seeks
The Invisible Seductress
Chris at Rabid Intuition

Visit, comment, love.


*(Despite the tone you may have interpreted on this blog "CFC Welcome" is defined by clapping or commenting, not a pearl necklace and a Cleveland steamer.)

BP Oil Apology

h/t to Liberality!

Breaking Bad (Cleanses)

This is a follow up to This is Stupid: Cleanse post from yesterday.

As of this morning, 48 hours in, I'd eaten nothing except for the stupid juice and water and the oral enema. In 48 hours I went from feeling okay to being drained, grumpy, tired, lethargic, apathetic, all with a headache. Surprisingly, not all that physically hungry. They say it's only the first 3 or 4 days that suck. I have better ways to lose weight.

So I did my saltwater this morning and when that process was finished, P90X. And officially broke the fast with a sample pack of the Orange Julius -tasting recovery drink and a few saltines. See, after not eating for 48 hours, you need to start slow (10 days? you start with broth). I'm thinking a good vegetable soup for lunch here in a little bit and by dinner I'm at the bar to celebrate my joy with some beer and wings (per Lemmy's delicious suggestion)!

I'll update this post with actual food choices as well as any unforeseen side effects of jumping too fast into solid foods. What could go wrong? It's only been 2 days...


UPDATE: I was sated with the P90X drink for a couple hours and hooked up a mild lunch with a delicious Amy's No Chicken Noodle Soup with a little flax seed. Heaven.

And a couple things have happened in the last couple days kind of all at once. First off, I lost 7 lbs from this 48 hour fast. Then this video showed up in my inbox, so now sugar scares the hell out of me...



...and a video associate with it shows a 4 year old McD's cheeseburger that looks new:



So I think this past couple of days has been overall positive as an experience. I'm much more conscious of food in general, hyper-sensitive about high fructose corn syrup, and will probably never touch fast food (or at least McD's) ever again; Super Size Me did not do for me what that above video did.

Now, let the beer and video games commence!

Accepting Suggestions for Free Time

It's 4:19am. Mrs. Shambles has just left for the airport. Irish Dancer is visiting relatives.

I've got until Monday evening at 11pm - about 90 hours of alone time. And darn it, it's supposed to rain some every day until then, so I can't cut the grass or wash the deck.

I was going to spend my non-productive hours with my friends: Internets, Beer, Xbox360, and Wings (yes, Reading and Writing can come too but only if you bring Whiskey), but was wondering if you, fair readers, had any more constructive (or destructive) suggestions.

Van Mural Catch Up

She'll understand the look of pride in his face when she sees the inside, soon to be christened The Shag Love Bong Bone Palace.




Big Rich's career picked up significantly after getting a van mural ...and changing his name from Tiny Peasant.




This is a "trainer" for mentally disabled kids, a.k.a. a white delivery truck parked on the streets of San Francisco and unattended for more than 15 minutes.

Right Wing Logic

I believe I've found the mathematical root of right wing logic. Enjoy.

In Short: Hannity is a Moron

Today Sean Hannity made outrage cookies about how the military's equipment isn't the best technology out there and some of it's old - and it's Obama's fault!

Apparently he was high or deaf when the very vocal outcry went out about our American soldier being killed in Iraq because the HumVee's provided by Bush's management of the military weren't even providing basic protection from armor; they were cannibalizing scrapped vehicles and materials to add makeshift steel plating for protection.

Where was your outrage then, Sean? Oh yeah, it didn't exist because you had the Republican president's dick in your ear.

Cleansing: This is Stupid

This is stupid. This is a glass and gallon jug of stupid juice. In order to make stupid juice, you add 1 t of cayenne, 1 1/4 C each of fresh-squeezed lemon juice and real (expensive!) maple syrup to 1 gal of spring water.

Okay, it's not stupid juice, it's a lemon cleanse. Yay! Not really. What's in that jug? I'm supposed to have 10 12 oz glasses during the day. And that's all. No food. And as a prize at the end of the day? A mild laxative herbal tea. Yum. In the morning I take 1 L lukewarm water with 2 t uniodized sea salt. That's called an oral enema. Seriously. Just about the whole liter comes straight out the other end, and it's brought some friends.

Last weekend, my mother mentioned that my cousin does this cleanse once or twice a year, loses 10-20 lbs. Mrs. Shambles thought "we" should try it. I'm going along to support her for now.

A day and a half into it and I'm cranky - actually get a bit angry when I drive by a place where I smell food - I have a headache (I never get headaches), I'm tired, and feeling slightly emotionally fragile. Great. Clean out your body, wreck your soul. Thanks Mom.

And this is supposed to last at least 10 days.

But it's okay. Mrs. Shambles is heading out of town tomorrow and I've already figured I'd probably drop the cleanse tomorrow afternoon. I just can't do it. Every time I take down another glass of gross, a louder and louder voice somewhere inside me shouts "Hey, this is stupid!" generally paired with a mild gagging reflex. I'm already exercising. How about giving that a chance to work first?

So any of you ever go through a cleanse? Did it work? Was it worth it?

Oil Leak Bizarro World You Must Visit

The funny thing in this thought challenge or experiment is that - well, there's nothing funny about it except perhaps my writing, shielding the reality with the parody or reductio ad absurdum and thus revealing the ultimate sadness inherent in being a right wing radio talk show host. Without such magnanimous delusional egotism, I surmise suicides would be much higher in their field.

Today's Experiment: Obama & Oil

Scenario 1:
President Obama spent all Memorial Day weekend with the families of those killed in the rig blast and those already suffering the effects of the death of the fishing industry in the Gulf.

Right Wing Response:
"What's Obama doing? He's just placating them! He doesn't give a hoot about the crisis or about solving it - he just wants to make face time and look like he gives a crap. This is egotistical showmanship, nothing more.

"And besides, what about Arlington? Why isn't he there? He obviously doesn't care about the veterans either, those who gave their lives to guarantee our freedoms. Obama hates freedom! Nazi!"


Scenario 2:
President Obama invents a time machine and goes back to the beginning of the crisis to let BP know that if they drop the Top Hat, they should warm the top hat to avoid the creation of hydrates that might block the tube. The Top Hat solution vacates 90% of the oil spewing into the Gulf.

Right Wing Response:
"What is Obama doing? Is he suddenly Bill Nye the Science Guy? What does he know that BP doesn't? Sure the flow is stemmed, but it's only 90% - 10% is still ruining the lives of those who make their living from the Gulf.

"Obviously, he doesn't want a complete fix because then he wouldn't be able to take over the oil industry in America! Just like Hitler!"


Scenario 3:
President Obama equips his super-suit & jetpack and flies to the Gulf personally, dives to the bottom of the sea and with his super-heated welding materials, cuts the broken pipe and bends it shut, stemming the flow permanently. He takes the rest of the weekend to spend with families who have been affected by and will be affected by the disaster.

Right Wing Response:
"Who elected this show-boating goon? He's obviously making a play for governmental takeover of the oil companies and playing the 'face time' game with these families. If Hitler had a jetpack and supersuit, he'd have done the same thing!"


Scenario 4:
President Obama equips his super-suit & jetpack, fixes the oil leak, creates a pact with Israel for peace, destroys all Russia's nuclear weapons, forges peace with China and North Korea, kills Ahmadinejad, catches Bin Laden, feeds every starving person in the world with mana from heaven.

Right Wing Response:
"What about Arlington? Why isn't he there? He obviously doesn't care about the veterans of America or America herself while he's out hot-dogging the world! Obama hates freedom! Nazi!"


To bastardize Yoda for Obama:

"Try or try not. There is no win."

What's Sexy?

Here's something I just thought of that might happen with punctuated regularity. What does Google Image Search tell us is sexy?

Anime



I don't know that I can call that sexy. Then again, I'm not into transvestite cosplay.


Dude



I'm going to pass on this one.


Villians?



I really don't ...WTF? What in holy hell is this? A sexy Disney villain, of course. More here, if you dare click.


Firefox



Okay, that'll work.


Lesson: The internets does not know what I think is sexy. Beware you search yourself. O'er there, there be furries.

New Righty Rules for America

Muslims across America are being harassed and denied a chance to build or expand Mosques. Seems there's a trend going on here from the right.

New (Righty) Rules for America:

1. Freedom of Religion is guaranteed by the Constitution and the founding fathers, but only if you're a Christian. Jews will be tolerated as long as they don't get too loud. Hindus - Hahaha! Ah, Hindus.
2. Freedom of Speech is guaranteed by the Constitution, but only if you're patriotic and Christian enough not to be shut down by the Right; attacks on Mosques and Muslims are protected speech.
3. The workings of government follow written rules unless Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck say differently.
4. Double standards do not exist while criticizing Barack Obama in relation to what any other president has done; Obama is BAD
5. Guns, guns, guns! Get your ass down to the convention center to our gun show! We've got big guns, small guns, guns for babies, guns for girls, guns for God, illegal guns in pieces (shhh!). We've even got guns made of candy! But be careful - they'll kill you! Why!? They're guns!
6. Our history as a nation of immigrants does not extend to those with brown skin.
7. Since people who talk about our military are uncomfortable with them homosex'shls, gays will not be able to fight for our country unless they lie and hide who they are. We are working on a permanent pigment for brown-skinned soldiers and dildos for women. Unless they're hot lesbians.
8. Sarah Palin is a serious, intelligent, viable political candidate.
9. Anyone who does not abide by the above items can and will be tied to Hitler.

God Bless Amerikkka.

UPDATE: Question on my jest of guns made of candy came up in the comments. I am unfortunately able to provide examples. Chocolate guns, and even a misguided attempt by PEZ:

LOST

I don't have words right now as I just finished watching the final episode of LOST (yes, 2 days late) on DVR.

Many will deride it. Many will make poo-poo on its proverbial face.

I, for one, wept at least 5 times in the last showing. And while all the answers are not there, I agree now that they don't have to be.

We all need to see what we see. We all need to hear what we hear. We all need guidance to find what it is we need to find. For them, they had "the island." For us?

Best of luck.

Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince.
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

In Short: Obama's Memorial Day Plans

The right wing is all a-flutter about how Barack Obama is going to Chicago this coming weekend instead of laying the wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier himself.

1. Reagan and both Bushes did the same thing.
2. Obama has 2 little girls who might want to see their extended families during the holiday weekend.
3. HEY RIGHT: if you're really concerned about personal freedoms and a nanny state then why is it okay to impose your personal views upon a president you didn't even vote for and impose your ideals of action on an American citizen who wants to spend time with his family AND will be at a Memorial Day service, just not in DC? Might want to think on that.

Wedding Disastrous

Because you deserve it.


I said keg stand, not keg lean. Get on up in it.



I am not drunk, I have not been crying, and yes I took this from the bar. And it's MINE.



Unwrapping isn't as much fun when you stare at the present all night.



...in an elementary school classroom.



That's how we do it in mothafuckin' M-trop, bitches!

Mutant Skeeters or Crazy Allergies?

So I was out in Cali 2 weeks ago, checking out the view of the Valley from Mulholland Drive near dusk, and while the sight was spectacular, I was spending some of my precious attention batting a few pesky (and rather large) mosquitoes. The next day, a half dozen requisite bites appeared and were just slightly itchy. My brother got some too.

Yesterday morning I awoke to find the mosquito bites I had all but forgot about were now flared, red, perfectly round, and about the size of a quarter each. This is the bugger between the pinky and ring knuckles of my left hand:



The curious spread I figure is from the the fact that I use my hands typing all day, so whatever my body doesn't like is getting to spread out a bit there. My brother does not have the same symptoms.

SO WTF? I understand that a toxin in the mosquito saliva causes the original bump, redness, and itching and affects different people different ways. But I got these bites 14 days ago. And they reacted like always: itch for a couple days, then go away. They hadn't bothered me in a week. What would make them all go nuclear 12 days after being bit?

Don't worry, I'm not being a typical stupid man about it either. I've already been to see the doctor if for no other reason than Cortizone10 was doing dick for the itch and I was either going to scratch them all until bloody or go absolutely mad thinking about scratching them all until bloody.

The doc said things like "weird," "I've never seen anything like it," and "Thanks for being my freak of the day" (we have a pretty casual relationship). And so it's antibiotics because of the timeline and off-chance of infection, topical steroid for immediate relief (knocks that itch down about 60%), and an oral steroid for overall inflammation control.

But it's all generalized guesswork, so I turn to you, my dear readers: Have you ever heard anything like this? Bites following a natural fade then BAM! 12 days later they get as big as quarters and itch 3 times as badly?

Brad Goehring is a Liar & Typical Rightie

Brad Goehring sent me an email today through GOPUSA's email list (yes, I'm a subscriber) and the subject title was "It's Liberal Hunting Season."

Ah, yes, you nod, now you remember Brad Goehring; he's the California Republican running for a House position that's catching flack for the hunting and gun references when describing what's going on in our country.

And so he's outright capitalizing on that absurd fame. "It's Liberal Hunting Season*
Time to Load Up* Conservative Candidates' Bank Accounts" and "PULL THE TRIGGER* FOR A TRUE CONSERVATIVE" adorn his funding letter. The asterisk? *Note to The Politically Correct Liberal Police (Specifically Keith Olbermann): The above sentences with asterisks are metaphors.

Like most Republicans, Brad does not understand how language works. Yes, Brad, those would fall into the category of "metaphor." Green check-mark on the grammar. But because something is a metaphor does not make it innocuous. What's a metaphor exactly? "A figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity."

To Brad:
Do you understand the function of a metaphor now? Do you understand that by making those statements, the intent - by function of the linguistic device - is to create a similarity between putting money in your campaign account and the physical act of killing liberals with a firearm.

And that's your right. You can go ahead and use that because it riles up the libs and the righties love it and, all-in-all, it probably benefits your campaign to follow that line. But don't - for just one second - pretend you don't know what you're doing with an aw shucks shrug.


Sidenote:
Brad-Brad's website home page, save for the address buried in the lower right, is oddly void of any reference to the state of California. Isn't he proud of the state he's working to represent? Yet no graphic, no mention. I'd suggest this is intentional; capitalize on the notoriety of the gun metaphors without that pesky obvious reminder that most of the right-wing, riled-up goonery is not actually from Cali and might think twice if they were overtly confronted with the fact.


Final note: Anyone who openly agrees with the idea the the Democrats are purposefully trying to deconstruct the country and turn it into a welfare state is out of their damn mind and lying to scare the bejeezus out of their base. Frightened constituency is always more giving, after all.


Okay, just one more note: You can follow Brad Goehrning on Twitter too! As of this posting, he's following 0 and being followed by 8. Note to Brad: You're doing it wrong.

Drunk-Dialing FreedomWorks

A heavenly thanks to Blueberry over at Texas Oasis. This made my day!

Disney Heroines as Comic Book Heroines

No, I'm not kidding. Here's one of half a dozen.



Um...

Politics Meh!

Meh! I say!

Why? Same shit's happening this week that was last week. Here's a recap in case you've been living in a cave with Bin Laden the last week:

• Republicans are backswitching and -pedaling and plain lying about Kagan's past accomplishments, policies, and rulings. The "better angels" of the right have reduced the conversation to whether she's a lesbian, a man, or too darned androgynous.
• Rush, Beck, and some of our particularly petrol-soaked politicians are downplaying the worst oil disaster in history, saying things like "Where's the oil? I don't see it!" and "The ocean'll take care of itself." and "Yeah, come to our beaches and swim and fish!" No, their job is to ignore the tragedy, the blame, the destruction...and instead focus on how Obama is going to use this to achieve world domination!
• Eric Holder didn't read the fucking law. 10 pages. 17 pages. Whatever. But he didn't read it, commented on it, and got called out. And because he didn't take 15 minutes of his day to get edjumakated, the right is playing the video of his admission 24/7. No matter that the law is unquestionably racist or wrong or opposed, because the USAG didn't read the damn thing, THEY get the fuel to burn their lie fires (note how the right talks about "plain language" except when they need to "read deeper" to reveal Obamarific deception). Eric Holder is still an asshat for that one.
• We're still at war in Afghanistan and Iraq. They're still killing Americans. We still shouldn't be there. And now that the right can call it "Obama's War," they can finally talk about it as the clusterfuck it is.
• Gingrich is still seemingly floating a 2012 GOP bid for POTUS. Hehe *snort*
• Drudge is still manipulating perception of what is in stories by the titles he gives them, always with that crazy, righty spin of his. (NOTE: Today Afghanistan "Grim milestone: 1,000 Americans dead" but 3K in Iraq under Bush ignored)

That is all.

Jesus News: Capitalism & Lungs

This week, we'll make it quick and let you comment:

Yes, a man legally named Lord Jesus Christ was hit by a car.

A great commentary on some douche that claims Jesus was a Capitalist.

A guy pines on spikes and (while starting with Shrek) asks what would've happened if Jesus was never born. Don't pay too much heed; it's not a historical model so much as it degrades into "we'd all be in hell."

And in a fit of pareidolia, we've now seen Jesus in a lung. Quick! Kill that person! Obviously the war of good and evil happened in the womb and the evil body consumed the twin!

Till next week...