April 1 is Internets Xmas

Seriously. On April Fool's Day, it rains meme seeds. Kotaku has the official round-up, but this, well... 2K games takes Duke Nukem to the next level: flinging poo.




And then there's the new Harry Potter TV Show:



Truly brilliant!

Take it Back: Album Covers

I took a shot at going back into my archives of lovely Photoshop pieces that perhaps you have never seen in I'm Hilarious in Iraq. Here are a couple album covers I did:

Combining two albums? Sure! Here's The Gray Album:




And in a double-entendre exercise, I would love to hear this band:

The White Kids Channel

Don't be mixin' races folks.



I guess if that didn't make you vomit (or have the skills it takes to hack and wipe out a website), you can catch the rest of Andrews videos at whitepridetv.com.

Mmm... Chewy

I was over at Cal's place and he was talking about Chewbacca - as one is wont to do - and he suggested a new Star Wars film which made me suggest "Wookie Nights" which turned into remaking movies with wookies.

I'm feeling an execution of about 8/10, but I'm pretty sure it's not as funny as it was in my head. Feedback is always appreciated!

Some Vampire Movie or Something

What if the picture above triggered no recognition in your brain, no social relevance, no movie connection, no thoughts of the scree of a tween clawing at your eardrums?

Over heard this week:

GAL: What's your granddaughter's name again?

GUY: Bella.

GAL: Oh, yeah. So pretty.

GUY: Yeah, I guess someone asked [my son] if they named her after, I guess there's some vampire movie or something.

GAL: Oh. Really? Hrm.

GUY: But [my son] just likes the name Isabella.

GAL: I don't know, I never heard of that.

GUY: Me neither. I'm not really a movie person.

GAL: Not unless it's free.

*they laugh*

My first reaction, after picking my jaw up off the floor, was OMFG! How can you not know Twilight? How can you be so much not a movie person that you're completely unaware of one of the biggest movie and literary sensations in years? Do you not read books either?

Is it even possible to be unaware of something that is so completely ubiquitous? This happened in a "work" environment, so the people in question leave the house every day. With billboards and posters and radio and television and conversations with people who know someone who read the book or saw the movie, you never heard about Twilight?

Then I stepped back and monitored my own reaction. This doesn't make these people any less people, but am I a media snob for reacting like that? I don't think I come across as "OMG I know everything about everything," even in my private thoughts.

So what are your thoughts? About the interaction and my reaction. I'd love to hear what other people think.

Limbaugh Stupid - Internets

Heard immediately upon turning on the car:

Rush: "No, if you put it in a PDF 95% of people won't be able to read it."

PDF stands for Portable Document Format. It is the de facto file format for electronic documents the world over. You can download Adobe Acrobat Reader for free. Well over 2/3 of all the computers in the world can open a PDF file because of this universality.

Rush regularly talks about things he does not understand, and when the funnel-eared myrmidons lap up his aural feces, they become even dumber.

Why is it conservatives/Republicans just do NOT understand technology, specifically the internet?

The Madness of the Right: Iraq, Libya, & Puppies

I swear that The Onion is going to go out of business. And it's all the fault of those damn Republicans.

Nine years ago when we invaded Iraq (again), all of us on the left were pretty damn vocal with a very clear WTF? Our question with two wars running? "How can you measure success?"

Today, I heard Sean Hannity wagging idiot-stiffies with Buchanan over how bad Libya was, how much of a debacle it is, a "quagmire (he will be creating a quagmire commercial for tomorrow, FYI)," and Sean was pontificating about what this "invasion" meant. "What is the measure of success?" He wondered what the extension of this would be - would it mean we'd just go willy-nilly into Russia, into China? "What's next? Saudi Arabia?" At which point the world turned upside-down, I was driving on the left side of the road, the guy in the car next to me was getting head from his sister, I wasn't drinking a Mike's Hard, and I vomited out my ass.

Bush drove a fear-of-self-preservation (& freedom) bill through congress and invaded Afghanistan cause we thought a guy who might've planned 9/11 was hangin' out somewhere there - almost 10 years later we don't really know where he might be. We invaded Iraq because of warmongering lies. We DIDN'T attack Saudi Arabia where almost all the terrorists came from. Bush's vague, unicorn-fart version of "finality" was somewhat along the lines of "when we get the terr'ists." And that was an AWESOME answer for everyone on the right and Fox News and Sean and Glenn and Rush and they threw down palm fronds and attacked any rational people by calling them cowards.

But since our president is "the other," since he might be a sekret terrrst, he can't use that. Actually, he can't do anything right. He can't be tough enough or compromise enough. He can't promote war and he can't promote peace. He can't act in concert with an international theater and he can't act unilaterally. But most importantly, he's either too black or not black enough.

As Ezra Klein tweeted, " If the president proposed the ‘More Puppies Act,’ the minority would discover it holds fervently pro-cat beliefs."

(Sidenote: check out Buchanan's website. It sucks my nads. In 1998.)

That Guy Who Sends You Emails and They're Not That Bad ...Until...

Got this from one of those guys. WTF?

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.

Some people think this is funny. You should be terrified at that.

Okay, wait. Let me try.

For centuries, Christians have worshiped an idol of a man nailed to wood. Most of us have naively thought this was...

Sorry. That is enough absurdity for today. Please fill in your own silliness.

Star Wars DJO Wondersynch

What I'm Havin' is Havin' You On

One of my fav Kids in the Hall skits, Season 2, Episode 1

Doggie Refugees in Japan

Seriously, teh sads:



Toldja.

Fox & William Tucker Say "Meh" to Nuclear Danger

Ahhhhhh! When will I learn? Ten minutes of Fox News is enough to give a thinking / informed person a terrible headache.

Last night I stayed up kind of late watching coverage of the tragedy in Japan and much of that coverage was on the danger of the nuclear situation there. After a few shows and many an animated graphic, I had a solid grasp. Here's the gist:

• Each of the 6 (!) reactors have an inner containment casing surrounding the reactor core, and an outer reactor casing.
• 3 of the reactors were offline for maintenance and contained no reactor cores.
• The remaining went offline with quake for safety.
• ALL six of the reactor buildings contain spent nuclear fuel rods, cooled by water, contained only by the outer walls.
• Because of quake damage, maintaining water levels has been a problem.
• Due to 2 explosions and 2 fires, outer walls of 3 reactors are severely breached (like the whole roof and most of the walls of #3)
• ALL 6 of the reactors pose varying levels of problems and concern.
• The local utility company TEPCO has a jaded history of not quite reporting the severity of situations.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

So imagine my surprise (and gag reflex) when I switched on Fox News for less than five minutes to see Doocy talking to William Tucker, author:



I paraphrase, but his assertion was thus: "Basically one reactor has a crack in it and might vent some steam, but it'll just dissipate. We've got 6000 miles of ocean between us and there's no reason for anyone in the US to panic or even be worried."

Wha-what?

Take all that exposition above along with the fact that the closest point between Japan and Sarah Palin's Alaska is 660 miles and, well, you wonder why Fox News viewers operate like barely-functional vegetables.

Drudge: Aahh! President's a Negro! / Haha! Doesn't Know Sports!

You know, if we have a black president and we say "PRESIDENT CHECKS OUT: FOCUS ON B-BALL BRACKETS..." that means "Lazy nigga rather watch b-ball than put in a day's work."

You know, if we want to make fun of (someone, our president) by claiming they know nothing about sports we say PREDICTABLE: Picks all No. 1 seeds for Final Four...

So our president's not only lazy, but he doesn't know sports. Haha! Loser!

Wait, that first link says he'd rather watch sports. But that second link insinuates he's not spending enough time on sports.

Maybe the racist contrarians should send out a memo to get their story straight. Maybe Mike Drudge should send one to himself.

Today in Reality...

The homosexual agenda is being pushed through anti-bullying efforts. (here)

Teachers have it easy - half days and summers off. (any RW-AM)

Jesus and/or Gaia caused the tragedy in Japan (Beck!)

Japan deserves it because of Pearl Harbor (seriously, don't look [new hobby - trolling people who tweet about Pearl Harbor - check the Twitter feed on the right!)

Just because nuclear plants in Japan are going haywire, it's still way better than those dirty solar panels and wind turbines. (Hannity)

We can control our immigration problem ...by shooting immigrants like pigs from helecoptors (here)

Gingrich still had a bunch of affairs, Mitt still passed Romneycare, and Palin is still a moron.

Just sayin'

Unfortunate Shark Logo

Squint a little then ask why Shark wants to steam your vag.

Wisconsin: Template for the Fall of America

Every time I think Republicans can get no lower, I am not surprised when they beat out my expectation and take another dip. What happened in Wisconsin yesterday was a swan dive straight into hell.

Here's how it went down:

• Gov. Walker takes power, immediately gives corporations big tax cuts.
• Gov. Walker suddenly has a money problem.
• Gov. Walker & Repubs craft "budget" bill that strips public employee unions of right to collectively bargain (gov't control of wages, basically).
• Gov. Walker shouts to the heavens that it is about the budget, not about busting unions.
• Union workers protest over proposed bill.
• Senate Democrats realize if they all leave, there will be no quorum, no vote, and bill cannot pass.
• Senate Democrats must leave the state and shack up in Illinois because Gov. says he could "compel" them to the capitol (Read: worst episode of Cops evar)
• Workers continue protest.
• Gov. takes fake "Koch" call, reveals he is underhanded goon, wants to trick Dems into coming back.
• Gov. says It's about the budget!
• Gov. discusses bounty hunters to get the Dems back.
• THEN: Breaking the legally-binding meeting rules, Republicans strip the bill of spending (therefore don't need a quorum) and pass the bill without Democrats.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Yes, the same Republicans who look at the health care bill as being shoved down their throats just practiced some of the most dirty, underhanded, illegal politics ever seen. These are not just crafty, clever, or manipulative elected officials - these are terrible people who lied, cheated, and finally weaseled their way through to breaking the unions for the *sole purpose* of decimating a source of finance for the Democratic Party and sticking their middle finger up the ass of the American Public Employee.

Doc Thompson in for Glenn Beck skimmed over the video of the committee vote and lied to his listeners, saying there was a Democrat from the Senate who came back (It was a House Democrat presenting rules). Rush Limbaugh managed to call teachers lazy bums and protesters bullying mobs in the first couple minutes.

And the best thing to see is the people in Wisconsin get PISSED. Someone better. These are the first dominoes in the Republican master plan of Corporate Wealth-ocracy ruling over the proles. If you're not in Ohio or Idaho - where it's already happened - and not in Wisconsin, keep the TV on. It's coming. And if you're not part of a union? Head over your shoulder, there - you're next.

Vans to Burn and Eat You (Dragons!)

Awwww hellyeah. I got some ass-kickin' dragon van murals, baby. Day gonna heat you up, chew you up and -- okay, I'll shut up now. I don't even know if that was a dialect or not. Here's your vans:


Dragon Fight!



Dragonized Van gonna eat you!



"It's the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker.'"



I don't know what the hell this is, but I guess it looks kinda like a dragon? Even though it's Lucky Sea Story? (maybe short for seagulling?)

STOP the Lies About Offshore Drilling!

I know that in Sean Hannity's superlative wet dream, God comes down from the Heavens to his second home - the USA - and cracks the crust of the Earth all about us to extract oil, pitch it in perfect drums and place it on the White House lawn.

Yay! Oil independence from the rest of the world! We win because of Jesus! Unicorns farting rainbows abound!


The sad truth is that even if we open up ALL drilling EVERYWHERE in the USA, we probably wouldn't see a whole lot of change, let alone energy independence.

Here's a short short version of how the process goes:

• Oil Drilling Company contacts the USA government and says "We think there's oil here."
• US grants them exploratory rights.
• After a few years, studies are concluded, and the Oil Drilling Company has found something viable. They purchase lease rights and plop down a few billion for a drilling rig.
• Crude magic happens, pumping, barreling, etc.
• Oil Drilling Company sells it to an Oil Refining Company or refines it themselves.
• Refining company splits crude into the most viable end products, sells some down the line, sells fuel to a Gasoline Company.
• Gasoline company sells to affiliates.
• We put gas in our car.

And here's why the right wing rhetoric of "US drilling = Energy Independence" = Bullshit

• Drilling rights only put a little bit of coin in USA's pocket.
• (We do NOT own the oil that comes from our land.)
• Oil Drilling Companies sell their crude to an Oil Refining Company at the best price they can get.
• Refining companies sell their products (gasoline) for the best price they can get.

The Entire Argument is Anathema to All Conservatism!
The only reason we talk about countries like Saudi Arabia as "oil-rich" is because they have government-run oil companies (we have a reserve because at some point the government bought up a shitload and put it in a garage somewhere). If the USA wanted to own the oil drilled on our land, they would need to create drilling, refining, and gasoline companies all owned by the governemnt - in order to remove ourselves from the much-lauded "free-market" system for a controlled price of oil - and ignore any sort of fair bidding to potential service providers.

But the additional problem here is that even if, in my opening paragraph, God came down and turned every drop of oil into gasoline, we wouldn't have that much. I mean, sure, we'd have a lot, but it would be finite.


The Bigger Argument

The bigger problem we're facing with Big Oil is that it is, precisely, big oil. And it acts like it is infinite. But it is NOT. And one day, Hannity's SUV is going to run out of gas and he won't have enough money to buy more (if there is any more).

I understand that Conservo-Repubs are in the pocket of the corporations, but open your eyes! Drilling here will do NOTHING. Eventually it will all run out. That's why we use the word "sustainable." It will hurt you too.

So why are conservative folks arguing against renewable energy when their current fav is going to eventually leave them poor before going away? It's not totally cost-effective yet but that's because it's relatively new. Do they truly want the rich to get richer? Are they looking for a global epidemic of destruction? Can they not wean from the reach-around they get from Oil Companies? Do they enjoy their nipples rubbed with baby oil?

Let me put forth two options:

1. In the USA, we take a sober look at gasoline and alternative energies and slowly transition as quickly as possible.
2. In the USA, we ignore the warning signs, play along with "all is good here" and one day it spikes and then runs out. Millions - billions - die in the chaos.

#2 will happen to much of the world (hehe #2). It's going to take someone everyone else calls crazy to see the reality and perhaps just save the lives of millions.

Thank you President Obama.

Middle East DoubleNewSpeak Headache

I was listening to some nondescript AM dial goon today and heard the same thing we've been hearing from the right since Egypt erupted, and now Lybia:

Just because you don't care for a dictator and in the scheme of things they're kind of a horrible person, not-so-friendly to US interests, plenty of human rights violations, bit of a ego-douchebag does NOT mean you can just go in there and take him out. We have no right to force our design or opinions on them. What about the stability of the Middle East? Who's going to move into power? What about our ties with Israel? What about the oil for chrissakes?


Oh, wait. No. Sorry. That was my sentiment before we invaded Iraq. (I'd add Afghanistan, but that was kind of a fucksmack of a whole country because we thought one dude was hiding there and we can't even fart in the direction of Saudi Arabia.)


I guess the fact that they sound so similar is proof positive that we don't really want brown people to have freedom or liberty. We just want to sell them bombs.

Driving Libs Crazy #64: USA Nomba-Won Tough Guy

[UPDATE: Badger reminded me about the Crazy on Facebook. Thanks!]

Been following the 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy (click that "crazy drive" tag at the bottom to see the goodies) and mostly it's been foolishness. Okay, it's ALL been foolishness. I just grab and showcase the ones that lay out teh stupids inherent in the Conservative Condition™.

Give them another reason why Obama has GOT to go.

He doesn't think America's anything special. No really, he doesn't. Quote: "I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism." In other words: everybody's special. Tell your friend that, with his Barney the Dinosaur egalitarian worldview of everybody being special, Obama ought to be a kindergarten teacher, leading the kids in non-competitive, non-judgmental songs, not the leader of the free world.

This is a prime example of laying bare the cognitive and logical deficiency that is Conservatism: blind, faith-like fanaticism.

The Quote

I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism.

Wait, you don't believe that something's the best just because you're part of it? You don't believe USA is the best because by fate or chance or God you are President of our fair land? *applause*

The Argument

What the conservative argument is is we believe in our own exceptionalism and that's valid (Woohoo! #1!), but every other country's own feeling of national pride and exceptionalism is really just joke-shop fake shit because our exceptionalism is the TRUE exceptionalism. WTF?

If I'm not mistaken, the Barney the Dinosaur worldview has a few backers, like God, Jesus, Buddha. You know, those radical liberal goons.