Sadness & Conspiracy & The Bar: A Health Care Retrospective

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the SCOTUS nine that day:
The score stood five to four, with some at yes and some at nay.
And then when Kennedy went right, and Roberts left, for shame,
A sickly silence fell upon us as the judgement came.

---

There is too much too much to talk about, so I'll start with the bar.



My local haunt just up the road from home was my first stop after a full day of "work." (Of course I say "work" because like Republican Congressman Mike Pence, I too likened the Supreme Court ruling on the Affordable Care Act to 9/11: I was ineffective and nothing but a media consumption machine.) I needed to stop in because another regular to my spot is an outspoken Limbaugh/Hannity parrot (let's call him Dolton) and I was hoping he was angry and loud so I could just soak it up.

I broke with my swear-off of right wing radio just for one day and I was not disappointed on the ride over. Hannity was moderating a discussion and who-knows was shouting about how it was going to destroy America and everyone was audibly upset, like they'd just lost Reagan again but this time he killed himself after Obama whooped his ass with a tire iron. It was a jumbled cacophony of angry and fear and consolation and denial and atta-buddy and "We'll get 'em next time!" because Roberts is a brilliant Constitutional lawyer - he just got it wrong.

The way it unfolded couldn't have helped. Fox and CNN got it wrong and it was such a major issue, such a grand event that knowing how disappointed I was and how much higher I got when the big reveal came, I can only imagine the emotional depths to which the anti-Obamacare folks fell.

Here's my representative, Ohio's Jean Schmidt, freaking the hell out in a joyous explosion in public:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

If only that video had run for 20 minutes to catch the aftermath.

The pain and sorrow was palpable everywhere and the denial was painful to watch. This is what Drudge and Savage have been doing since yesterday:



And if it wasn't that, it was because he was coerced because he was blackmailed because he is rainbow-farting GAY!

(But there was one interesting nugget provided by Gawker about how Roberts totally did this intentionally because he has a wider game stance and is plotting something really big.)



The freakouts from popular pundits and pols alike? Flippin' epic.

And some comeuppance is due as well. O'Reilly had said he'd apologize for being an idiot if the ACA was upheld by the Supremes:



Limbaugh said in 2010 that if this all went through, he'd move to Costa Rica. Unfortunately for him, Costa Rica has universal health care. D'oh. Speaking of idiots, Buzzfeed did a lovely collection of tweets from those railing against socialized medicine and who had had enough - so they were moving to Canada. Where there is socialized medicine.

Palin was in on the action, Rubio needed no cue to jump in front of a camera, and the overwhelming talking point is "OMG - it's a TAX on America's working class!" Unless you're Rep. Phillip Gingrey who simply said "I don't want to have a beer with Justice Roberts today."

Which brings me back to Dolton.

I walked into the bar, sat in my usual spot - far from him. I was expecting him and his cronies to be long drunk by 5pm and hootin' and a-hollerin' about how this was the end of America. Dolton looked drunker than usual, but he was alone, slumped somewhat over the bar, and staring at the non-stop coverage on the big-screen. On MSNBC.

He briefly glanced at me as I sat and ordered a vodka grapefruit and a shot of Rumple Minze, his mouth slightly open as though he might say something but could find no words. He went back to the TV, his Miller Lite, and his doubles of Jägermeister. Dolton was a broken man yesterday, as though part of his soul was leaking out in place of the tears he wouldn't let come in public. I really almost felt bad for him.

Almost.

---

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
Yes, "America" we call it - don't let the Repubs find that out.

Return of Van Mural (Insert Day)

They speak for themselves, though some of it might be unintelligible :) If you want to enjoy all the goodness of Van Mural days past, click that Van Mural tag at the bottom of the post and you can browse them all.

Whee!








(van mural of van murals? *mind blown*)

The Divorce Cometh, Man

(This is personal and not happy. You have been warned. Go away if you like. But come back. Van murals tomorrow.)


Ah, patient readers, you may recall this gem from two years ago - OMFG, it's been two years? - wherein I divulged that Mrs. Shambles and I had settled on divorce after growing apart and being at a dead standstill on either side of the fence about having a(nother) child.

Give it a look if you don't remember or haven't been around that long. Good read for a horribly depressing monstrosity of a life event.

And it gets even stranger-worse!

As we have not paid down our debt and have gone two years, we have lived in a relatively copacetic, visually emotionless void. For Little Shambles, of course. Big events that have happened since that post have been the passing of Mrs. Shambles's mother (only 60) and our ten year anniversary, both weathered with ---

FUCK!

Sorry, not even sure what the hell I'm trying to convey or vent here.

Brass tacks: last month we talked again, pinned down that we were still in those same places - although even more distant now - and now that Mrs. Shambles is back to work and my contracts are getting more lucrative, we may or may not be divorcing in the next year. Might wait until Little Shambles is done with HS in two years. Might not. For as much as Mrs. Shambles hit me up with being uncommunicative or too hard to engage during these past two years on the handful of times she did engage, when I pushed the issue, she had apparently not been sitting on a bunch of planning.

We did talk plainly, which was kind of nice. The impasse is far too wide and deep for a bridge. We are going to do our own thing (and have been for a while). And Bee-Tee-Dubs, what makes me happy?

It's no surprise to anyone that with my history of depression and this weirdness have left me completely perplexed at the answer to what should be a pretty down to Earth question. But ...I'm not sure. I have things I like, but in this situation I can sometimes only dwell on the fact that I LOVE making other people happy and how - when it came down to it - it was my selfishness that would not allow me to do that one thing for the person I loved most.

(Really, I only think about it in those terms on occasion. Totally in a healthy way. Right?)

So I continue to live in the void. The "I love yous" are ghosts if I hear them at all. Even texting I love yous quickly turned to KKKs (kisses, you racist), and then burned out like the cross on your lawn. Kisses on the lips? Nil. Sex? Can't remember when.

Communication, especially in the last couple months, has not just shriveled up but started pushing into disrespect. I'm a patient all-kindsa-zenny guy, but my lean is going from "let's just get through what we must" to "seriously, you live on your goddamned Blackberry but you can't even answer a text or two a day?" And it's not over "OMG work iz hard" but "Hey, I'm making dinner about six, is that good?" and not getting an answer until 7. Or 10.

And our daughter doesn't know. And her dad and my folks don't know. And it goes on. We haven't worn our wedding rings in over a year.


SO I guess my bullshit post here is more for venting than anything else. Not much progress, a little more frustration, and a lot more "What the Hell?" Sorry if that's disappointment.


I don't know. Maybe next week I'll tell you how it's all my fault because every major relationship in my life has ended this way: they just get longer. Or not. Because that would be defeatist. And I only think about it in those terms on occasion. Totally in a healthy way. Right?


ADDENDUM:
I've got that emotional hangover feeling after posting this yesterday. I'm not going to make any changes besides this add, though, as it accurately reflected the breakfast burrito explosion that I sometimes experience in the midst of emotional turmoil, threshold, and a coating of insomnia from inheriting my mother's propensity to imagine the worst possible outcome.

Truth is, writing bubbled it to the surface again and Mrs. Shambles and I had another candid talk, which was good. In the coming weeks, we're going to get finances and budgets nailed down, we're going to come up with a plan to talk to Little Shambles, and take the rest as it comes. She'll be more communicative and I'll be more patient. With a house neither of us could afford on our own, we'll probably be sticking it out until LS goes to college in two years, perhaps opting for a legal separation before the official divorce - legal research is also on the docket.

Anyway, with over 1500 posts, there are only a handful of them that directly relate to me and only me - hell, even my gout posts were at least curiously informative. So, again, thanks for reading, and thank you for your patience.

Now how about some van murals?

Where the Hell is Matt? (World Dance Update)

So I sit here with my beer, looking at my computer, and I'm watching this video and find myself weeping. Weeping. Because one man has done something fun and amazing and spread so much joy. And it's wonderful.

You might recognize him from 2006 or 2008. Enjoy.



(And hey-yeah to Cleveland!)

Call Me Maybe

This is Carly Rae Jepsen singing "Call Me Maybe."

You probably don't want to watch it. I've heard the song / seen the video only twice, have not been exposed for a week, and yesterday it popped into my head and it won't go away.

If you have not experienced it, you probably should once, just to know what everyone's blathering on about. But the fact that everyone's blathering on about it should be a pretty powerful context clue.



My personal opinion? It's really quite terrible.

Right Wing Comments: Racism & Murder

In light of the asshole from the Daily Caller who decided it was cool to interrupt POTUS during a Rose Garden announcement on immigration (seriously? I guess respect is only implied if the prez is a white Republican), I went wandering from Drudge to a couple Daily Caller articles and it took about five seconds to find some demonstrative comments at which to become aghast.

I guess they speak for themselves, but a bit of background makes them that much worse:


(Bill Maher said Drudge was racist - see my last post for that confirmation - Daily Caller reported on it, Drudge posted it. Ironic, dontcha think?)


(Jon Stewart makes fun of Romney for making lotsa money, but Jon Stewart makes lotsa money too [please ignore that Stewart is not trying to pretend he's not rich and create some sort of "relational" facade; he's a comedian, not running for president], so you know ...money and Jews.... [which is such a strange juxtaposition: Entertainment & Jewish: nasty Shylock; Israel & Jewish: stop the anti-Semitic rhetoric, them's the only desert people holdin' back them terrorists!])

Honestly, if I keep this up, I'm going to have to massage the title of the post or they'll all read that way.

To paraphrase The Simpsons: "Romney 2012. Not racist, but the choice of racists."

Obama's October Surprise? Them Negros and Their Reefer

I guess Drudge has it: Obama will win the election on the legalization of marijuana. You know minorities and their penchant for the chronic, right? They'll come out in droves to make it legal so all them jigaboos can blaze up right on the street, right?

I am not being hyperbolic. Here's a screenshot from Drudge today:



Note how we have a pimp-hat pic of our president with something - OMG, is that a joint? - in his hand. You know, them negroes and their reefer. That's what Drudge is saying.


But aside from my snark, we do have good news in this vein: 7 states have the shot at legalizing (somewhat) marijuana this year and further hurting the fool's errand we call The War On Drugs.

And Ohio's one of them! W00t!

So bad news:
Black people smokin' joints is still something that can polarize the stupid.

Good news:
We're getting closer to killing those stereotypes that led to the prohibition of marijuana and legalizing a substance that is not only less harmful than alcohol, but will significantly end some of our border violence by being a US product.

Cheers!

Mister Rogers Remixed - Garden of Your Mind

Produced by PBS, this is a stunning video exemplifying some sort of magic that happens if you can merge amazing talent with classic imagery and create a hook that will answer a request for awesome that pours from the heart of every person who saw and loved Mr. Rogers.

Hannitizing Geography

From Hannity's radio show Monday:

Look, I don't want Wisconsin to become Detroit.

This has been your daily Hannity outpouring of concern over the apparent potentiality of a US state to collapse into a US city.

Rmoney Spelchekk v.2

Last week we took a look at how Mitt Romney put the "Merci" back in Amercia for his new iPhone app. Yowza.

But that was last week. This is now:



I imagine that a "sneak peak" would be something akin to stealth masturbation?

Mitt Romney's AMERCIA

No, you read that right. In an effort to get jiggy with the cool kids, Mitt Romney has released an iPhone app, "I'm With Mitt" in which you can do some low-rent Instagram work and let everyone in your social networks know that you're a gimmicky tool.

Problem with the app?

They've spelled America wrong.



Personally, I think it's a throw-back to Mitt's draft-dodging Mormon missionary work in France.

Romney 2012: Putting the "Merci" back in Amercia


Then again, it's no surprise at all. I've said it before: conservatives have very little understanding of two things liberals command: humor and technology.

And why no Android app?

Vibrator Movie Trailer

Don't mean to be all trailer-happy, promise something weightier later, but I found this trailer for a forthcoming movie (already out in LA & NY) Hysteria about the invention of the vibrator. Looks great!

God Bless America: Trailer

Must see this.

Quick Tips: The Drudge-to-Stupid Train

Hey, want to go crazy and lose your shit at the computer? You're in luck!

The quick path is to start at the Drudge Report (no, I will not post a link - guy's already gaming the system for stats), find an inflammatory headline, and click. You're already there!

Now, just go ahead and skip the story as it'll be some right-wing biased mess of illogical word diarrhea. Scroll down to the comments. Take a deep breath. And read.

Today's nutter drivel comes from comments at The Blaze where a crazy teacher lost her shit because she is a moron and was shouting that one of the kids could get arrested for talking about Obama:

I just learned recently that they have made it a crime to write to your Congressman to complain about the President..They have enacted 44 thousand new tyranus laws for us.. We are now Zionist /Fascist state. Their goal is to overtake the world.through our military..One would be naive to think that we pick our Presidents…the Federal Reserve (boss of the banking cartels) does that.and they answer to the biggest religion in the world..the Vatican. The Federal Reserve banks the Vatican’s gold. That is what we all want..right? To have the Zionists in control? Remember..anyone can become a Jew by being proselytized..conversion to Judaism by Torah observance..but the Zionists/Fascists are considered heretics…because most are atheists or secular..meaning they were never real Jews..What does the bible say about calling themselves Jews who are not? There is nothing we can do but prepare ourselves..Christ come in us..The prophesies are being fullfilled quickly.

(Sidenote: You can pretty much skip the Druge bit if you want to hang out on The Blaze all day.)

Now, get out there and get angry!

Ricky Shambles: Social Media Numbers (1500 posts!)

As a web developer, I'm enthralled by numbers when it comes to posts, web visits, and other tasty statistics. So here's my way-late update on my own benchmarks along with some other stuff that might be of no interest to you :)

Posts

This is officially my 1,515th post.

My first post ever was on 1/25/06 and it was about the travesty of Million Little Pieces - the travesty of the media, anyway. I thought the public shaming of James Frey in light of a little embellishment was unfounded, sanctimonious bullshit. So started Cause for Concern.

Which means I've been going for almost 6 1/2 years!

I added the widget to show the most fav of all time posts in the lower right - mostly sex n boobs. But since it's not quality and Google ganked up the widget display, I'll probably kill it this weekend.

I have 81 followers.

Sidenote: Twitter!

Yes, you can touch my Ricky Shambles Twitter any time you like. Just follow that link or come here often and catch the widget in the right column.

Here's how that looks:

1,059 Tweets
182 Following
147 Followers

And, as you can guess, I use that to spout opinion, troll idiot politicians, retweet stories, and sometimes speak irrationally while intoxicated.


Blogging - STAT!

Since I started:

192,260 people visited this site

Visits: 205,254

Unique Visitors: 192,260

Pageviews: 253,288

Pages/Visit: 1.23

Avg. Visit Duration: 00:00:25

Bounce Rate: 83.17%

% New Visits: 93.67%


Of that, I have had visits from 190 countries worldwide.


Mini-Sidenote: Tumblr

Ooh yeah, and I even tried my hand at Tumblr - Boehner Has a Sad, though it flounders as there are only so many pictures of John Boehner crying in existence. Check it out!


Conclusion

I'm awesome.

Or at least enjoy what I'm doing enough to have other people notice and continue this mess.

Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate it.

Walt Disney's Taxi Driver

Republicans? Get in that Vagina!

From Funny or Die:

Taliban Tea Party!

Idiot Nerd Girl: Revisited

Because I thought of another one:



For the Lulz. Now I've got a movie to re-watch :)

Idiot Nerd Girl FTW?

Needed a laugh today and turned to Idiot Nerd Girl (click for meme info).



Realized my daughter's kind of like this.

My First Heartbreak: Firestar

Warning: sappy content herein.



From 1981-1983, NBC Saturday Morning aired an animated show Spiderman and His Amazing Friends. I was five or six at the time, but I loved it: Spidey was always a quick-quipping badass, Iceman was, well, he made fucking ice out of his hands, and then there was Firestar. *le sigh*

I was absolutely head over heels in love with Firestar. I was many years away from feelings of sexual attraction, but somehow felt such a desire, such an affinity towards the character, that it made a lasting impression on me, even at such a young age.

I specifically remember my father - working for the local NBC affiliate at the time - brought home a 5x7 promo glossy of the three heroes sliding / slinging / flying in action. And me: just staring at Firestar, alone in my room, until my emotive threshold met up with my realism that she was a cartoon and the awesome adoration exuding from my eyes turned to tears as I truly realized I would never be able to experience her beauty/persona personally. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Firestar had broken my heart.

And it's probably 90% of the reason I have a thing for redheads.

And I look back on that as a magical time of sorts, because at its core, it was pure, not an overwhelming desire to possess, but just to know more, comprehend more. And a despair that came with the inability.

Years later, I still see a little bit of that pull to know an inner beauty in every person I meet, though it only gets intense enough to tear up when I stare at the clouds or the Hubble Deep Field.

Beauty is in everything. And, in a sense, love is too. And I think I'm concluding that a cartoon character opened my mind to both and handed me the tools to appreciate them at just the right age to become the person I am today.

Yay! A New Conservative N-word!

Caught this comment on a conservative blog post earlier today:

I once made a wrong turn leaving the Philadelphia Zoo with my wife and son in the car and we got swarmed at a red light by Obama sons so I just floored it and blew right through the light. At the next corner I could see another large crowd of Obama sons gathering around so I barley even slowed down at the light. I preceded to blow through about seven traffic lights that day as I made my way to I-95 because on every corner there were Obama sons looking for trouble.

So to recap: an effort by our president to compel solidarity and compassion from an onlooking America two broken parents did not only become ridiculed as completely unnecessary (and race-bating and divisive), but is apparently now "Obama sons," the new racist euphemism to avoid that pesky N-word everyone gets so worked up about.

Octodad? Really?

Here's the trailer for Octodad: Deadliest Catch. Good lord, what in all tarnation? And why aren't they releasing it on Xbox360?

Awesomeness Videos: Biden Bad Lip Read & Two an Awful Music Videos & Slo-mo 'Splosions (UPDATED!)

Awww, we got knocked down to only ONE awful music video :( There was one up called "3 Second Rule" that was some bastard country music bad teacher in a classroom of cowboys singing that it was okay to catch an eyefull of lady, but only for three seconds. Removed by user. Boo!

UPDATE! My man Philip at pbump was able to find a re-hosted version of this terror we call "3 Second Rule:"



(4 more songs can be painfully listened to at this link. Don't click it. Here there be monsters.)


This one I described to someone on Twitter as Rebecca Black's Friday divided by zero:




Slow Motion Explosions. My favorite is possibly the wine bottle in the microwave. Science!




And finally, here's your Joe Biden BLR. Brilliant as always:

Ohio's Republican War on Women: Planned Parenthood

It may be entertaining to look at the Republicans rearranging deck chairs as the Titanic sinks and chuckle to ourselves and know how November goes down after they haven't done a damn thing about jobs but managed to alienate the entire female population, but there are real-world consequences for their actions.

State-level Republians have carried the torch of their war on women and bludgeoned the patsy of Planned Parenthood in several states, and Ohio has become the new battleground. In a mid-budget review bill, state republicans have inserted language that would functionally defund Planned Parenthood. Nice work on the unemployment numbers, guys! And here's a link to sign a petition because sometimes that has an effect. If you live in Ohio, PLEASE contact your state representatives and give this a voice.

SIDENOTE: One of the commenters in the link above aptly notes that this legislation alteration comes within one day of Ohio returning to capital punishment. Yep, one day we serve a grown, living human being an IV cocktail of death - next day we're crying bloody murder over a bundle of cells. Yay Ohio: showing the world how backwards we are every damn day.

Cat Piss & Cum Shots: Spring Stinks!

It's that time of year again! Oh, the stanks of spring. Cat pee is one of them. Semen is another. Now I love my honeysuckle and my lilac bush, but urine and jizz should not fit in.

You can read my giant treatise on cum bubbles and cat pee here, but here's the gist:

To me - and three other people I've been in contact with online - juniper smells like cat pee. My entire family thinks I'm nuts because they do not experience the same thing. And it's not a faint smell, a subtle waft of something encompassed in a cornucopia of exotic complexity; when I drive to the grocery store that's surrounded by it and my car vents are open this time of year, it smells like one of my cats just took a concentrated, stinking, steaming piss in the back seat. (I would love to talk to anyone who's had the same experience. It took me two years to figure it out.)

The Bradford Pear tree smells like semen. LOTS more people have experienced this one. It's not as horribly strong as the juniper, not like "Who just rubbed one off on my face?" - more like grabbing your laundry the afternoon after you had a wet dream and catching the odor of the semi-dry, cool, musty gob emanate from the pile.

It's spring! You've been warned.

French Cat Suffers From Ennui

Is it weird I feel like this cat? Often?

Child Celebrities Opposing Kirk Cameron (CCOKC)

CCOKC - Child Celebrities Opposing Kirk Cameron - watch more funny videos

Sketchy Alpaca is Watching You

Lost n Found Jumble Bag o Joy!

Here's some stuff I found while in the process of being on the internets today (and some stuff I just had laying around). Enjoy!

Titanic 3D ...Now With More 'Splosions!

What would happen if Cameron had brought in J.J. Abrams, George Lucas, and Michael Bay for the 3D re-issue special effects? Here's the brilliant answer:



(via io9)

My Senior Year Song: Tori's Winter

A little bit about me...

My senior year in high school, I was just popular enough to make it into the Senior Council and while we primarily planned the prom, we also chose the pool from which our fellow seniors would choose our class song.

During that meeting, I was sickened by the stupid, vapid choices presented. But I came prepared. When I was 18, Tori Amos's Winter was such a clear choice for a serious message of recognition of place and growth and fear that I couldn't but enter it.

Here's the song:



Lyrics? Yep:

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

And at the end of the day, I won. If by "won" you mean "got it on the ballot."

Two weeks later, the masses of our senior class, the masses that could not look beyond this wonderful, last year of their wonder, chose:



I wanna go back? And do it all over? Fuck that.

And that's why Winter holds a special place in my heart and why most of the people I went to high school with still live in Parma, Ohio.

Trayvon Martin & The Racist Gun Nuts

You might as well just embrace the rage now. It's okay. Let it come.



If you have not read about the tragedy of Trayvon Martin, an innocent 17-year old African American kid, and the racist, gun-toting nut who took his life, please take a minute to brush up on some of the bullet points of this horrible event - and the deplorable way it was handled.

Now, take into account the fact that this story, while not discussed or featured in any way by Fox, did appear on its website. Now imagine all those Fox commenters goin' buck nutty over this story and making their missives known to the whole of the internets. I know, it's an ugly mental image.

Little Green Footballs did the painful digging, and has come up with a grotesque pile of the worst of the worst of the comments from the Fox posting of that story. If you have the stomach, head on over there. Either way, here's a sampling:

What a shame—a tragedy, really— because the dead lil’ gangsta could’ve used “‘A-FIRM-TIV AK-SHUN” to go to kollige an play footballz and make lotsa cash munny!”

[…]

Let’s find out why the “po’ baby” was REALLY there!

[…]

The little thug ghetto monkey should have been home doing his homework, not out gang bangin.

[…]

I’m just glad Zimmerman didnt miss and hit an innocent bystander.

[…]

Whenever a prominent conservative is confronted with the idea that anyone conservative is racist or bigoted in any way, the first line of defense is that it is a liberal lie. Remember racist signs at the Tea Party rallies? Plants. Besides, Blacks would be better off in the Republican Party. Right?

I really don't have anything else but seething frustration to offer on this topic - it sums itself up, and Little Green Footballs has the long form.

Good luck and don't explode.

Of Bibles and Constitutions

On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at American University, was requested to testify. At the end of his testimony, Republican State Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." The room erupted into applause.

MoveOn's War On Women Ad is Awesome

Right Wing Dichotomy in 2 Videos

Jesus built my hot rod




...but Satan is my motor.



Which based on the lyrics of the former means Jerry Lee Lewis is my motor. So maybe it doesn't make as much sense as I thought. Or does it?

The President of Ireland delivers epic smackdown of Sarah Palin and the Teabaggers

Fricking amazing.

(via)

This Is What I Write at 3am

No apologies, no explanations. This is what you get:

Yellow and Red

Mom was acting funny.
"The robots," she said. "The robots are, they're talking to me."
"What robots?" I asked.
"In the teevee, in the computer."
"Mom," I tried.
She turned around, slid the drawer, and pulled the biggest knife I'd seen in the house.
"Mom, please. Stop."
"You don't understand, Ingrid, they want me to destroy."
"Destroy what?"
"Everything," she said and forced the blade into her neck. Blood. So much blood. "Everything." She dropped to the ground, mumbling "Yellow and red. Yellow and red."

The home computer was glitchy, kept showing abstract images of rings of yellow and bars of red. I watched only for a few seconds before getting dizzy. Yellow and red.

Pulling the cords under the desk seemed to do nothing. The monitor would fizz out and then pop into life with the same images.

And there was a hum. I smashed the monitor and waited for a second only to hear the noise from upstairs. It was tilting my brain, making me just a little bit mad. I was waiting tables at a bar I'd never been to. Someone asked why I hadn't been there to pick up the slack. "I can do it," I said. "Then why aren't you here?" she answered.

The car's dead and I'm making a quick stop at the gas station down the street and I'm looking for a bag of Funyons. Funyons. But they're out and there's no beer and the only energy drinks they have are warm. Funyons. Yellow. And red.

I'm back in the living room and Mom's still alive and the remote I have has a big ON/OFF switch but when I walk to the television, I can't read it and the fizzled signal is pulling me in. I want to be a piece of face on the clothesline outside. There are already three out there, smiling, waving in the wind, flapping with the wandering joy of resignation. And I go out of the room so I can read the ON/OFF button and hold it and walk back in to flip it - and I do. And the television goes off, but only for a second, and back on. And yellow and red and yellow and red.

I feel myself going, losing my ground, but I run upstairs and I'm late for work and so ashamed because I haven't been in for a few days with no excuse and I'm just waiting on getting reamed out, waiting on getting fired. And the computer monitor is humming at me, is strobing yellow and red and I'm in an ocean-front hotel room and the giant wave is coming and I don't know how to avoid it, don't know why no one is not running away. They're all staring at me. And the wave is coming.

The television is still humming and mom is on the floor. Red. Everywhere.

"Why aren't you helping me?" I shout to no one. I run around the house pulling cords from the walls, but the humming only grows. A plane passes overhead so, so closely and crashes a few miles away in a ball of fire. Red and yellow.

Everything is pulled from the walls. The television is still on, playing a version of Super Mario Brothers I've never seen. But it's pulsing, pullling me in.

I run upstairs, turn on the shower, get to my room where the pillows are pulsing. The people-faces from the garden are stretched out, bleeding on the mattress. I can't stop anything. I can't keep my mind moving outside of the yellow and red cycle that's taking my head out. The alarm clock is even doing it, somehow making colors where there should only be sound.

We can't keep it. We can't.

The colors are daunting, consuming, and so, so wonderful.

And so: blood.

What Did FOX Say About Gas Prices in 2008?

Warning: this will make you angry.



Spoiler alert! They say politicians are helpless to affect the market :)

American Teens are Dumb

At least in this school. And my daughter's school. C'mon, if it's not Twilight or Bieber or Ke$ha or Facebook, they're pretty much clueless. I give you Lunch Scholars. I suggest a helmet so you don't get brains everywhere when your head explodes.

Overheard: California Douchery at the Bar

I was in the bar the other day and was sitting near a self-professed filmmaker and producer (I know, in Cincinnati?) who was talking to a woman exuding vapidity. Both their accents were so stereotypically LA and conversation so tragically void of reason I had to take some notes.

Note: I've spent time in LA, have a brother who lives there. And many - MANY - of the people who live there are solid, reasonable, interesting folks. These were not two of those folks.

Also note: these quotes are all from the guy because the gal didn't say much in the presence of Director Diarrhea-Mouth and are not exact, but all real.

Dude looked like Joaquin Phoenix all hairy, though he was better-groomed, wore a vest, and a scarf, and an overly-trying trendy jacket.

• Producers? They make people comfortable.
• You have a yoga physique.
• I love it! (repeat 50 times)
• Yeah, I climbed Mt. Whitney with that guy. [Mt. Whitney is the tallest mountain in the 48 contig at 14.5k feet.]
• OMG the Spider-Cam [Can-Am Spider] is a beautiful machine.
• So I go back in the sauna then the shower and back - when ya go from hot to cold like that your body makes amazing noises. AMAZING!
• Evolutionarily speaking, yoga is the BEST thing for you.
• You know, the Scandinavians invented sauna.
• (Suicide Story) He's like barfing on my hand and I told him to call 911. ...in a weird psych unit - all dark - and they wouldn't let me in, but someone came through the door and I snuck in and I saw [Jim] on a gurney in the hall - alive. And I say "We can fix this." And I'm with a chick, so...

I love it!

Religious Freedom: Princess Bride

One of the more clever bits of meme I've seen passed around Facebook:

Van Mural Wizard!

More on the Van Mural tag!



You know you love it.

Santorum Splattered by Santorum. Ewww.

For those of you who are not aware of the Santorum Google bomb that redefined Santorum on Google Search for all time, please Google Santorum. For those of you who do, please enjoy this video by Santorum of "Romney Smear Campaign Guy" shooting paper cutouts of Santorum with what looks like, well, Santorum. Ewww. Splat!

Jesus Had a Dinosaur

Van Mural ...Thursday Rides Again!

It's been so long (May!?), dear van mural lovers, so we've got some catching up to do!

For those of you new to Van Mural [insert day here], I've been collecting some of the best van mural magic I can find on the web. The project started as RapeVan, but I found that somewhat limited and potentially offensive. [UPDATE:"rapevan" has been replaced with "van mural"] HOWEVER, the tag endures if you click the RAPEVAN VAN MURAL tag at the bottom of this post, all Van Mural posts shall appear for your joy and approval.

For clarification, it may not always be a van per se, but it will always involve paint on a vehicle of some sort.

Without further ado, I give you Van Murals:


Let's ease on in with a partial of a surreal desertscape.



NYC: I guess I hadn't realized the Statue of Liberty came with a sex doll mouth.



Jack in the WTF?



So much magnificence I had to retain the larger one for your scrutiny. Click image to embiggin. Hobbits and bellies and doggies (and a pic of a pic), oh my!

We should do this more often.

Meat Causes Cancer

I just watched the documentary Forks Over Knives that discusses in detail the evidence that the myth that we need to over-protein-ate (and, of course, processed sugar and bleached flour, and processed food in general) is killing us with cancer and explores clinical evidence that an entirely plant-based diet can actually reverse certain types of cancer. Trailer below:



My practical take-away was not that I'll go vegan and be healthy forever, but that I have WAY too much meat in my diet. Give it a look - it changed the way I think about food, even if just a little.

Sexy Sexy Star Wars Tattoo-ine

So I picked up this picture over at Failblog's Ugliest Tattoos page (as a win, of course). It's a few years old, but got a fantastic response. So I wondered: wouldn't there be more images of this tattooed wonderousness elsewhere on the internets?

And, of course, said pictures do exist.

(Other sidenote: the script on her side is the lyrics to Matthew Good's "Waiting for the Destruction" and runs all the way down to her calf.)

So after a little detective-ing, I was able to dig up something salacious. I think here is where I meet but do not cross the obscenity line with a carefully-cropped close-up:



And if you like that line and feel the temptation to cross it, I shall provide the tools but will not give you direct gratification from this blog post - that wouldn't be fair as some people read me at work - or maybe I just hope people read me at work.

Either way, if you'd like to cross that line and see more of this woman's tattoos in a semi-tasteful but not really safe for work version (naked but strategically posed to hide ladyparts), then you can do so here.

Now, if you'd like to Kessel Run past that line in less than two parsecs, you can do so with the following image. Warning: TOTALLY NSFW.

_____
Genuine question: Was that too stalker-y? Too pornographic? I ran it because I was genuinely interested in what other cool, nerdy tattoos this woman had - and they are pretty awesome. Did I go too far and fly right past tasteful and reasonable? I'd like to know what y'all think; I generally don't talk about or link to naked images on the internets even if they are geeky, nerdy, and lovely. To the comments!

Who's on First? Mitt and Newt

Romney's Secret Service Name?

Even though to get a cool code name, gossip is you actually have to be POTUS, Mitt Romney gets secret service detail today and Twitter is HAWT with code name suggestions for Mittens. Check out #RomneySecretServiceCodeName for some solid laugh time.

My suggestions will be in my twitter feed at this link and, of course, in the right column of this blog.

Cincinnati Casino Collapse, Bus Driver Got a Job to Do

There was a collapse at the new Cincinnati Horseshoe Casino during construction. Unfortunately, the press conference got in the way of one bus driver who hit a news van on live television. Awesome. Way to Go go Ohio!

The Face of Conservatism: Dead Kids Are Funny

From this piece of foul bloggery:

One would have to have a heart of stone to fail to be amused by the death of this little punk:

A 65-year-old man who was knocked off his bicycle by three teenagers on a Pennsylvania trail shot two of them, killing one, police said according to reports. The Reading Eagle newspaper said the wounded teen, 16, was taken to hospital and the third, aged 15, was taken in for questioning and was later committed to a youth center.... According to police, the 65-year-old was riding his bicycle when the teens knocked him to the ground, the station said. Police said two teens then assaulted the man, who drew his gun and shot them.

What a pity that's not on YouTube. Can you imagine the expression on the face of the dying little prick? One moment, he thinks he's a happy-slapping bad ass impressing his friends with a little casual assault-and-battery and the very next moment, it's game over. For good. Way to go, tough guy.

Concealed carry is certainly one of the more effective means of teaching the little bastards to show the elderly at least a modicum of respect.

Unfortunately, it speaks for itself.

Drudge's Pitchfork & Reagan's Corpse: Tonight We Eat Newt

Awww, shit. It was to happen eventually: the powers that be on the Right would have to make a move to determine their candidate outside the electoral process. As the above image shows (click to embiggin), a stand has been made. Drudge has picked up the pitchfork (or had it handed to him) and figuratively killed the Gingrich campaign by invoking the Holy Ronald and calling up from the depths the Newt-flavored betrayals on the "Real Conservatives'" hallowed Saint. Drudge is the Kraken and he has been released.

They couldn't shut him down personally, could not point out his multiple stands on multiple issues, could not address his personal manifestation of the antithesis of morality. They had to say "Dude dissed RayRay!"

The supposed high-brow political discourse that Gingrich stood for is dead. Long live low-brow political discourse.

Now, about that Romney fellow...

In Short: Hannity Didn't Watch SOTU

I know, I know. Every time I begin a post with "Yesterday on Hannity's radio show..." a little part of your soul dies and a dribble of vomit leaks inexplicably from your left ear. Me too. So weird.

However, yesterday on Hannity's radio show, after listening for a few minutes on the way to Kroger, it became apparently clear that Sean Hannity was relying on what other people had to say about the SOTU Tuesday evening:

• He mocked Obama for saying "the state of the union is strong," but Obama notably did not say that. He said "The state of our Union is getting stronger."
• He said that Obama's recognition of the Military as an example was a call to work together, but Obama's statement was using the US Military as an example to focus on a mission and get the job done.
• Working together obviously brought out the "If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun" quote from Obama, but it was directly implied that Obama had said that to the military (when it was a one-off to the press pool about a debate in Philly with McCain in '08).

I know Hannity artfully and gleefully spins facts and pulls emotionally charged rhetoric - however disproved or irrelevant - to be another powerful voice in painting Obama as "the other," but this seemed particularly ignorant, like he was spinning an intern's notes.

Or maybe he's purposefully deconstructing every argument against Obama into a single, timeless, reference-less amalgam of foul vitriol, an abstract, artistic work in progress that will culminate Election night 2012 in a single, forced, guttural syllable followed immediately by his very essence being expelled in a protoplasmic blob as his human shell collapses like an ancient paper wasp nest whacked with a snow shovel.

Or he's just being a dick.

Republican Response: Women Don't Count

Last night I watched the whole SOTU and Republican Response. The item that left the biggest impression for me was when Gov. Mitch Daniels (R-IN), near the beginning of the official Republican response, stated

One in five men of prime working age…did not go to work today.

Immediately after that, my brain went into a repeating loop of questioning stupid. Did he just say that? What sausage-fest proofed that speech? Did he really mean it? What the hell is "prime working age?" Was the intent to really address only the working men of our country?

I can find the quote a couple of places through Google and full text on his campaign page (he does not have an official twitter himself), but no one seems to be addressing the misogynist angle that's pretty damn apparent.

HARDCORE Juliet: 8 years old

I could watch this all day. Seriously. Agent. Now.

In Brief: Republican Debate as NFL Pre-Show

You ever listen to the pre-show of an NFL game? It reads like this:

In order to win we've got to fire that hot offense, knock it down with the defense, get first downs, get that ball to the end zone and if we can't, get it through the bars for something.

And that stupid obviousness is the definition of the debate tonight.

"We've got to fix the budget, get into vaginas, and give free enterprise every fucking right they may or may not need and that fixes America. USA!" *flagpin*

I'm working on my notes, but that's what you get tonight. Because I need to get the notes up, watch the last ep of Supernatural, and then we'll be good for tomorrow.

Blue Laws: Etymology Edition

(image CFC original)

Back in the day here in Ohio, you couldn't buy alcohol before 1pm on a Sunday (certain stores: NO ALCOHOL ON JESUS DAY). Now it's settled down a bit, but there are still these "blue laws" on the books to keep us from buying (state-controlled) liquor on a Sunday or Federal holiday.

Anything under the flag of "Blue Laws" tend to refer to control of alcohol or relate to antiquated "still on the books" stuff like banning sodomy. Some (more British) phrases speak of porn as "blue movies." So, clearly, any laws that are "blue" have something to do with sin and punishment.

But Why "Blue"?

If you read your terrible internets or emails from Uncle Joe, you may believe that they were called "blue laws" because "back then" they were printed on blue paper. And if you take that in without question, I've a cousin in Nigeria who wants to send you $5,000,000.

I did a minimal amount of searching and found this article on Snopes.

The listing talks about the Puritan colony of Connecticut and that "the Reverend Samuel Peters' 1781 book, General History of Connecticut, described onerous colonial laws in the following manner:

Blue Laws; i.e. bloody Laws; for they were all sanctified with whipping, cutting off the ears, burning the tongue, and death.

Okay, Still, Why Blue?

In the sordid etymology of "bloody," there are many considerations put forth about how people changed "hell" to "heck" and "Christ" to "Crikey" and "God" to "Gosh" in the avoidance of swearing or taking the Lord's name in vain.

Now this is entirely English-degree speculation, but I propose the Puritans did the same to the second degree: While "bloody" laws was a fine descriptor, as noted above, with a British origin, "bloody" also has many secondary, swear-y, uses, even if it is a first-tier morphology to avoid directly referring to the Virgin Mary or the Blood of Christ. So they switched it up to "blue."

Wouldn't want to be punished for a "bloody law" because you said "bloody law," right?

That's the linguistics and my own extension, but what do you think?

Hipster Jesus Sends Rich to Hell

Gingrich on Drudge?

Today I took my painful peek at Drudge's site and saw - prominently - something that read "Obama plays golf with hooker-solicitor." Awesome.

And I thought to myself: what would happen if Drudge actually had a site that talked realistically about conservatives?

Here's my answer, your little peek into an alternate universe:

Perry's Pounce Commercial

Rick Perry might just be the most awesomely-misguided candidate when it comes to his marketing department. Here's his latest video which I refer to as "Pounce."



So I was able to do this:

Perry Push-Up!



Perry Ninja!



Enjoy your evening.

Bad Lip Reading: Newt Gingrich

"NEWT GINGRICH" — a Bad Lip Reading Soundbite - watch more funny videos

Cafe Press: That's No Moon

So I opened a CafePress account finally because I'm fun and create some cool images that people might like on shirts and stuff.

This was actually brought on by finding an image online in reference to a story about Earth's moon. The appropriate response to any reference to the moon is the Obi-Wan quote from Episode IV: "That's no moon."



So I stumbled upon a mediocre Photoshop of René Magritte's "Ceci n'est pas une pipe"



But the 'shop was all wrong: the top of the Death Star was cut off and - *gasp* - it used an image of the Death-Star-in-construction, which only existed AFTER it was destroyed, which was after Episode IV. So I did this:



And now you can buy that on a t-shirt.

(CafePress killed it on an undisclosed copyright thing.)

Yay nerds!

Racist Spelling Bee?

2 years old, but still good.

Mark Simone is a Lying Idiot

In my daily adventures traveling the dark and terrifying highways of the AM band, I'm bound to run into monsters. Many have been demystified; most I've encountered before. But while quietly observing these beasts I may see some new depravity, like a wild creature eating its own feces.

Thus was today's experience with this guy:



Mark Simone's got a gig on WABC in NY but today was subbing for Sean Hannity. The topic turned to Ron Paul because Ron Paul showed up on Leno and said Michele Bachmann doesn't like Muslims. You can see it here:



Oh, the humanity!

(Sidenote: Michele Bachmann, back in '05, in reference to Muslims in France, stated "Not all cultures are equal. Not all values are equal.")

But we're getting off topic. So we're back on Ron Paul and Mark Simone is jerking the Paul-supporting callers back and forth, putting words in their mouth, extrapolating opinions, generalizing, and changing the subject - for which all right wing nut radio hosts must have a book.

During one call, in order to discredit a caller, Mark said Ron Paul goes nutty, says crazy things, implies you'd have to be nutty to support him. The caller disagreed. Mark Simone then stated (paraphrase):

Ron Paul said that we were to blame for 9/11. Do you believe that? No patriot would back Ron Paul.

Not 3 minutes later, Mark received a call from an active duty member of our military who mis-attributed "No patriot would back Ron Paul" to the previous caller and said that was an awful thing to say.

Mark responded by saying (paraphrase):

I don't know, I didn't hear him say that; that would be a wrong thing to say.

Thus, Mark Simone is a lying idiot.

This is a prime example of the psychological back-talk and denial of reality that has gripped conservative radio for so long. It's obvious; it always is to thinking people. Unfortunately, most listeners are not thinking people.

I Didn't Know Iowa was so French

Iowa state flag

I Can Has Boehner Tumblr?

I'm not one to brag, but I started a Tumblr.

Boehner Has A Sad

I promise more sad quotes, pics, and videos based entirely on Boehner.

I love Ohio.

Boehner Blue n Buzzed

I see you!

Seriously, I need to start a Tubmlr on Boehner pics.

S. 1867: End of America

I wrote my senators today because S. 1867 is going up for a vote very, very soon.

There are only four things you need to know about S. 1867 (PPJ Gazette):

(1) Explicitly authorize the federal government to indefinitely imprison without charge or trial American citizens and others picked up inside and outside the United States;

(2) Mandate military detention of some civilians who would otherwise be outside of military control, including civilians picked up within the United States itself; and

(3) Transfer to the Department of Defense core prosecutorial, investigative, law enforcement, penal, and custodial authority and responsibility now held by the Department of Justice.

(4) John McCain is pissing his pants to pass this thing.

You won't find me getting all teary-eyed patriotic over America all that often, but this is truly affecting me. This legislation is turning the Constitution into toilet paper and our country into a potential police state. Every hear about some journalist or dissident locked up for months or years overseas and think "Holy shit, that place sucks balls." Well, that's what America is about to become.

Contact your Senators. NOW.

N00b Love, Long Overdue

As I slouch towards the Babylon Bethlehem of 1500 posts and 6 full years doing this, I realized yesterday that I'm up to 75 followers! W00t!

[EDIT: I was attempting to quote Yeats "The Second Coming"

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

]

Because it's been so long, some of the shout-outs are people who have been following me for a bit, so not all n00bs, but damnit - recognition is due!


(for purposes of this post, everyone after Jan 2011 is a n00b)

I see Massey
and Kyna at Crystal Coast Gardener
and Zev at Swords Into Plows
and Karla Marx.
Ooh, there's GEORGEPER
and CramCake at Finding Meaning in the Everyday.
Why it's Cake Betch at The Hot Mess Chronicles
and Goofy Girl at There is Grandeur...
and Courtney
and Mikeb302000.
I spy Jang chub Ozer at Mocksure (and others)
and Mike Spicer
and jane j Chiccoreal.
Hello Kris Bunda!


Link juice to you all through my post and Linktastica Magic Box! blogroll.


...I'd still like to have a Superman day...

Gov. Kasich: "I don't read"

Just kidding. That was taken out of context. He doesn't read newspapers in the state of Ohio. The state of which he has been elected Governor. I guess that's why he doesn't understand the constituents in his own state. Oh, so it's not a right wing conspiracy to decimate the Democratic voting base via disenfranchisement; he just doesn't know any better. Silly.

Watch it here:


(via ThinkProgress)

Hannity's Conservative Tomfoolery

Sean Hannity is choosing ideology over Democracy. Is that the right message?

If anyone submits themselves to the torture of listening to Sean Hannity's radio show as I do on a regular basis, you might be aware of his insistent retort any time someone "mistakenly" refers to him as a Republican. It goes a little something like this:

I'm not a Republican. I am a registered Conservative.

Aww, isn't that so ...maverick of him?

One of the other things Mr. Hannity insists on is that - right now - he's still not backing a single horse in the race; he's holding out to see where it goes. This is, as one might recognize, a total cop-out to make sure he's both not looking stupid and following the Fox playbook.

What no one seems to mention, though, is that it doesn't matter which Republican he decides to back, he cannot vote for them.

Sean Hannity, if he tells the truth, is registered with the Conservative Party USA dedicated to "true" conservative values, ending corruption, and a bunch of other things no politician will ever go for. And it's great for upping some Tea Party cred. But there are NO candidates running in the Conservative Party.

So Sean Hannity, registered in the Conservative Party, will, like someone who is a registered Independent, be unable to vote in the Republican or Democratic primaries; he will be unable to back his "support" with an actual vote.

What kind of message does that send?


(crossposted at All Things Democrat)

The Language of the Right: New English

Sure, it's been going on forever - language gets twisted and changed in ways that strike a nerve ("hot dogs") or are just laughable ("freedom fries"). I'll use Mario Piperni's delicious graphic as a reference:



It's funny, but allow me to enlighten the language some for those who don't listen to right wing radio. It's not called "crony capitalism" when republicans do it, obviously (last week I hear an "I've never heard" outcry from Hannity about Congressional insider trading with specifically Democratic references), but there's a new language from the Ay-Am band radio hosts making its terribly un-funny debut: Crony Socialism.

The Solyndra issue might be pushed through the crony mold, but it has nothing to do with socialism. At all.

Take note, now and forever: the language they use has effects - and sometimes it even sticks.