Pat Robertson: Make it Stop

The latest stupid from Pat Robertson? Alzheimer's is grounds for divorce.



Yeah, sanctity of marriage and all that.

NASA, the Right, 9/11, and Lies

Today, Mark Steyn in for Limbaugh revisited one of the biggest, hypocritical tropes available in the conservative grab bag: NASA.

"You see," they say, "NASA was a bastion of American exceptionalism, a sign of America the Winner, and now it's done so it's Obama's fault. Obama hates America."

This is a Lies & Stupid sammich.

• NASA was and continues to be government-funded.
• The race to the moon was founded on a pissing contest with godless USSR.
• Hundreds of billions of dollars of tax money spent by the government got us to the moon.
• NASA was defunded by BushII.
• NASA was defunded by BushII because private enterprise is supposedly a good thing.

So welcome to brain rape. Spending billions on anything? Bad. Unless it's to prove our machismo against non-Christians (see: illegal wars). Defunding a government program to let free enterprise move in? Good! Until the defunding command rolls over to a Democratic presidential term where we can blame that president for not believing in America.

And then Steyn rolled it over into 9/11 - You know what we did in the 60's? We said "We're going to the moon" and we fucking did, yo (despite the absurd espense). "Can you see us going to the moon now?" (No. Remember? Government spending = BAD.) So on 9/11, we should've jumped on that hole and built up that skyline so fast it made Al Queda's heads spin! Yeah! Except "We" as in "America" don't control that. That's private enterprise confronted with political infighting, egos, etc.

So here's what you've actually proved in your diarrhea-mouth diatribe: If the government is solidly focused enough and dumps enough tax dollars into something, we can do something amazing like get to the moon. Maybe develop and build an entire interstate highway system. If we leave it to private enterprise, we get a hole in the middle of New York City that's getting filled WAY slower than American Exceptionalism declares it should be filled.

Folks on the AM dial are mad in their rhetoric, and the goons listening for the most part are slurping it up with a straw, ignoring inconsistencies, and becoming dumber by the minute.

Good for us, I guess. Except they're more ignorant and own more guns.

I've Got a Huntsman Thang Going

After tonight's Republican debate, if you were to ask me who I would vote for on the Republican ticket, I'd go Huntsman.

Seriously. Even as a liberal so f'ing left I can't even see "right," I'm pretty pissed about some of the shit Obama has and hasn't passed.

You bring in Huntsman, I might have to pause.

I want me some Huntsman. Some awesome, loud, angry Huntsman. I want him to get angry and start yelling and hollering and showing up on Newt's doorstep in a cape. C'mon, gimme some Huntsman.

I'll say it again, solidly with all caps: IF HUNTSMAN IS THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, I WOULD GIVE SERIOUS CONSIDERATION TO THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR 2012.

Luckily (unfortunately), the GOP and GOP media will happily designate Perry (Paul "crazy" and Romney "Muslim" - I mean Mormon - and everyone else black, female, or crazy) the front-runner.

Heaven help us. I think we need some angels with swords right about now.

Rick Perry Will Tear Your Soul Apart

As Rick Perry bows to the conservative money machine, lies about jobs and everything else, and slowly sells his soul to earn what is totally looking like the full-frontal Republican nomination for 2012, I post this lovely 'shop o mine to celebrate the fact that I just realized I have 666 images uploaded to Photobucket in my Blog album - and it just happens to coincide with Rick Perry getting his own tag here on CFC.

Happy Hump Day!

Colin Powell's Totally Black

Colin Powell is this week's whipping boy, and I mean that totally in a race-related way. See, Dick Cheney released his book this week in which he misremembers and revises recent history in order set the record crooked should the small amount of evil still keeping him alive dissipate and leave him an unanimated corpse before long.

So he apparently takes some cheap shots at Powell because under the Bush administration, Boy didn't quite know his place and sometimes spoke up against Massa Bush or Massa Cheney. And so Powell, this weekend, said Cheney was taking cheap shots.

Ooohh, no, Coli, don'ts a-bee talkin' that strooong talks!

Seriously, the result of this single statement has the entirety of right wing radio Murica blasting the hell out of Colin Powell - not on the merits of anything he said, grant you, but on the fact that he said anything.

And what did race-baiting, foreign-boy-viagra-banging, blubber-puss Rush Limbaugh have to say? That Powell will vote for Obama again because "melanin is thicker than water."

I shit you not.



I don't need to say it because you're already seeing it: this election is going to be the ugliest many of us have ever seen in our lives.

Rick Perry: When You Turn Off The Lights

Some of us see it when the lights are on...

Karl Rove Blows Your Mind: NOT a Christian Nation?

Where am I?

Geez, It's Just a Corn Dog...

I found this here. I'll just leave it here:



And I'm sorry you will never unsee it.

Feel free to repost, share the pain. Just reference the original post as they had no originator.

(And YAY, now Perry has his own blog post tag!)

Chupawho?

I was watching MSNBC this morning (way early) and they had this story on about what might just be the ...chupacabra?



You know, the chupacabra:



And then swarthy meterologist Bill Karins



was all like "Chupa - what?"

And the female anchor (Sorry, was half asleep) said "Um, Chupacabra?"

"So I can just Google that?"


I don't know if that weird deer/kangaroo/wolf thing in the video is the chupacabra, but who the hell hasn't heard of the chupacabra?

Weird.

Shitty 55-year Old Rapper Asks: U Livin De Life?

And he's generally untalented, but he does have the money to be untalented, so I guess there's a message here?

Santorum Waxes Stupid on Marriage

Rick Santorum explains why marriage is marriage and gay marriage isn't. Or something.



Between Santorum Stupid and Bachmann Batshit, the right doesn't really stand a chance come 2012.

Maybe There's an Opening for a Chimney Sweep?

Republicans are full of fuckery. They took a normal, expected, non-fanfare issue - raising the debt ceiling - and owned it and lied to America and whined and pissed and moaned and lied and got many ignorant Americans to back them.

So what if America is being downgraded and there are STILL no jobs? Let's do a sing-along!

McCain: Tea Party Hobbits!

I'm not a huge fan of McCain, but this clip is made of awesome.

Cazwell: This is WTF Gay Rap at its Best

Bachmann, Infomercials, Talking Vag, WarKitteh - Youtubes!

Oh, let's take a funny break. Been a little serious lately.

I love the internet.



Some awful infomercials?



Speaking of commercials, this is not fake.



Medal of Honor Cat


I sometimes fear that our age will be remembered in history not for its achievements in science or the arts but for...internet videos about cats.


Oh, and this, a senior citizen one-take dub. Seriously worth the watch. Kinda creepy though.


Amen. Have a great weekend.

George Carlin: We Like War

1992. Relevancy like that knows no time. RIP George.

Leave Fox News Alone!

I'm serious, folks. Murdoch is in some heavy shit across the pond and looking like the US is coming down the pike after him for hacking into 9/11 victim cell phones (despite his "Oh my, what's going on? Where's my pickles?" bullshit feigning senility).

Now I'm hearing some clamoring from the left: make Fox old news, knock down Fox, bring it to an end. Like hyenas circling the wounded zebra, some of us smell blood - we note the chink in Achilles' heel and feel the need to strike, to kill the stinking, hulking monstrosity while we are able to.


M'f'ing Shadow of the Colossus style!

No.
Stop.
I'm goddamned serious.


Success?

IF there is a groundswell grassroots push to knock down Fox, to take out the network, that would be a bad thing. Please: follow every legal outlet to investigate and prosecute to the fullest of the law should wrongdoing be found. But if there is a serious rising of liberals with online petitions and firey blog posts decrying Fox as an attachment to Murdoch and a call to tear down the beast, all we will garner is ridicule. With good reason. We will truly be hypocrites.


What is Fox?

Fox is a tool (in both senses), something that Sean Hannity this week referred to as a "weapon" of conservatives. It is right-wing machinations donning a mask of "news." This is a heavily-weighted propaganda machine that uses "Fair and Balanced" as their primary slogan.

But because of all that, Fox is a joke. Fox is a news station that exemplifies conservatives in humor by launching and immediately killing their answer to The Daily Show (they don't get humor). Fox is conservatism manifest, an aggregator in that Rush Limbaugh today said Heat Index was invented by the government and has never been passed off as a real temperature and Fox stressed the heat index (for rational, safety reasons), and tomorrow, somewhere, Fox will show duress over this clash. Manifest in the multiple personality hydra it sometimes seems to be in attempting to cater to conservatives and tea party and Republicans and RINOs with a reach-around for the Libertarians.



So What Do We Lose?

Fox is our beacon, our early warning sign for the pulse of stupid, our klaxon, our open playbook. Fox is a tool in a third way: our periscope.

If this goes away, we'll still have some spastic jolts of conservative reality in AM radio with the classic nutters like Hannity, Limbaugh, Beck, and that asshat they call the Great One, but nothing like the heart monitor we have now.

It's the monster we know, the nooks and crannies we're accustomed to, the madness we've accepted. And what do we lose? Exactly that. And Murdoch will get over his temporary insanity and bring something to life even more malicious. The devil you know and all that?


Right now we have a speaking template of how stupid the right can be. It's been limbering around since the Tea Party popped their heads out from another universe, but they're trying. And this Murdoch horror has brought red, steaming blood to the party.

Ignore the blood.

Let it stand, let it stumble, let it rant, let it mumble.

You can both be not a hypocrite and help the liberal cause. Woohoo!

Leave Fox alone.

Srsly.



Ignore it.

Couple of Notes on the Stupid Right

Today I heard Sean Hannity get really upset with the Republicans because there was a hint of some sort of deal that didn't drive the Democrats into the ground. It was cute, almost quaint in its madness. "They're not seeing the forest for the trees and right now Obama owns the forest and it's burning down!" Fucking adorable, really, in that "knuckle sandwich" "fisticuffs" "burns me up" throwback to Ward Cleaver language. It was somewhere between listening to a 4-year-old why he peed his pants and a 15-year-old trailer park baby-daddy read a love poem to his 35-year-old girlfriend on Jerry Springer.

Quick question: Are Cain and Bachmann getting crazier by the second? Yesterday I read that Bachmann openly prayed about being in the end days 6 years ago, and Herman Cain is hot and heavy on banning Mosques. Republicans won't run a Mormon, Black, or Woman anyway, but why make it so easy to say NO?

The budget thing is pretty basic: without borrowing, we'll have money to pay a good chunk of stuff that needs to be paid. But a whole bunch needs to be cut. We're talking large ticket items like Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, Military, FBI, CIA, and all those fat legislators. So when Obama says "Social Security checks might not have funding" and Republicans say "Social Security will absolutely get funded" they're both improv-ing. No one has made those decisions yet.

The Republican plan is to KEEP IN POWER. This has so far been moderately successful. By cutting unions, making it more difficult for the poor, elderly, and disabled to live - let alone vote, and giving the rich more jerk-off money, they're setting up a powerful drive to create a two-class country, disenfranchise millions of people, and make us invent the better guillotine.

Few thoughts to toss around.

Made of Bees

Been swimming in my head a bit...

Lorn opened the back door and stepped inside. The shock of the temperature drop was a welcome stilting, but it wasn't enough. He tracked his grass-stained shoes to the window unit and positioned his dripping face in front of the blower. The chill ran though his joints in an oddly-ecstatic jolt and he picked up his phone. All he could smell was gasoline.

"Wouldn't get too close to that," said the imp sitting on his computer desk, in a tart, British accent. "S'full of bees."

Lorn passed him a sideways glance. "Bees?"

"Yes," he said, standing up off the mouse pad. "Yellow. Black. Stingy. Hurt quite a bit." He leaned on his tiny cane. "Did I say stingy?"

He checked for voicemails. Nothing. Rachel should've called. Scanning texts he said "Bees, really. My phone's got bees in it?"

The imp's eyes grew two sizes. "Oh, my, no."

"Yeah. Thought so."

"The cooling unit's full of bees. Your phone's made of bees."

"Oh, fuck, Jacob. My phone? Bees?" He sat down at the desk within range of the AC fan.

Jacob leaned back on the full 24-ounce can of Labatt Ice. "You carry a tiny computer that's connected to the entire world via voice, via text, via your stupid Angry Birds. No cords. No wires. And it buzzes."

Opening his Blogger account, Lorn didn't even twitch. "Yeah, so there's that."

Jacob stood, "Bees, you git! Bees! Your phone's made of them!"

Eyes. Rolling. "Yeah. Bees. Awesome. I'll take note."

"Well then. Okay." Jacob reached behind the pile of unopened mail and presented a thimble to Lorn. "Pour us a pint then?"

"It's a thimble, Jake."

"Then a thimble. Lorn? Lorn?"

"Okay, just a minute."

"No, Lorn, it's the bees."

Lorn grabbed the can as Jacob fell to the desktop. He cracked the top.

"No. Lorn. The bees. The bees."

And before Lorn could focus, Jacob's body collapsed, convulsed, pulled into the fetal position and then POP! turned into over a hundred bees, all angry, all hungry. And buzzing.

And how they stung!

Lorn dropped to the ground, thinking first of escape, then of survival. Sting. Survival. Sting. Did Jacob say *sting* anything about how to *sting* deal with *sting* these *sting* *sting* damn *sting* bees *sting**sting*? Maybe *sting* the beer *sting* is *sting* would be *sting* beer...

Maybe *sting* the phone *sting*

The remains of Lorn were never found.

Jacob never existed.

Gawker Star Time!

Hey, I just collected some awesome juice today. Yay!


Oh my Gawker!

Over the last several months, I've become horribly addicted to the Gawker Media sites, most notably Gawker.com that has an assortment of snarky articles concerning the world in general with a focus on news and entertainment. So to participate you sign up for your free account and comment along with the rest of everyone.

But there is a bit of an imbalance in the force: you must first be approved. That means that you have to comment a few times as an "audition" and then your account can be seen by folks other than the upper echelon. Once approved, you can comment like anyone else. However there is a third tier. After a while, if it looks like you're going to be hanging around and you are an active commenter and those comments are a nice combination of witty and snarky and informative, you shall be awarded a star.

Starred commenters can approve noobs, promote comments, and their comments always appear first.

I was starred today! Yay!

SO I'm not sure what's sadder: that I'm absurdly freakin' excited about this - it made my whole damn day - or that because my internet life is so internet-y and stuff I consider fun is done under the nom de guerre, I don't have one single person IRL who would know what I'm talking about, let alone appreciate it.

Either way, I feel pretty damn awesome.