It's Your Home! A Moment With the Pope and God

Another bit on the Vatican because...damn.

From the Vatican Information Service:

BENEDICT XVI ASKS GOD TO WATCH OVER THE VATICAN

The man who supposedly has a direct connection with God and owns the lineage of His corporeal time on Earth, and he feels the need to issue a press release in which he asks God to watch over the only country or international entity that can be called "God's Home?"

Doesn't God already live there? What did Benedict do? Walk up to His room and ask him to keep an eye on the place?

BENE: Hey, God, you got a minute?
GOD: Always for you, Ratzie.
BENE: I wish you wouldn't -
GOD: I know. You know I know. Why complain?
BENE: Could you at least put down that book when I'm talking?
GOD: Sorry omnipresence isn't enough for you.
BENE: I never said -
GOD: You did in your heart.
BENE:...
GOD: You were bugging me for a reason? This Asimov had his shit together. Seriously.
BENE: Yes. I was wondering if you could keep an eye on the place.
GOD: And omnipresence - seriously?
BENE: Over Vatican City?
GOD: Who's the next Pope going to be?
BENE: Well, I think there are several good - Wait, don't you -
GOD: Gotcha!
BENE: If you'd just -
GOD: Are you still here? I've got a book and a bottle of bourbon to finish.
BENE: You drink too much.
GOD: You don't know me! You can't know me!
BENE: God, sorry, I -
GOD: Yeah, I'll watch. You want me to do anything if anything happens? Put a giant force field over the joint? Wag my cock at the bombs? Or just watch. Cause I'm already doing that.
BENE: Bombs? Sorry. Watching will be fine I guess.
GOD: Good. Go get me my slippers.
BENE: Yes. Douche.
GOD: I heard that. Before you said it.
BENE: I'm sure you did.
GOD: Dick.

The Vatican Cracks Me Up

Oh, that crazy Pope.

The Vatican Information Service summary for February 7-9 came yesterday and the following headlines elicited such snark that it was my duty to comment upon them.

ABSENCE OF GOD IS MANKIND'S MOST PROFOUND SICKNESS

I would argue that one of humanity's utmost illnesses is over-reliance on the structure of organized religion, the heeding of the barker at the tent of worship for our two pence. You can still have a relationship with God from outside the tent. If God couldn't see you outside, He wouldn't be God. If he doesn't want to listen to you if you don't pay the toll, He's a Dick.


APPEAL FOR PEACE IN MADAGASCAR



Hell yeah, peace! That zebra always be bustin' shit up and don't even get me started on them penguins.

Don't even.


PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN POPE AND GERMAN CHANCELLOR

POPE: Seriously?
CHAN: Really. It happened. We have proof.
POPE: Damn. For reals? I always thought the Holocaust was an old wives' tale.
CHAN: Nope. Pretty serious shit.
POPE: So that bishop thing -
CHAN: Way wrong move.
POPE: Cause, ya know, I'z -
CHAN: You'z was not just playin'.
POPE: ...no. I'z wasn't.
...
POPE: So we cool, though, right?
...
Click.

Not Cheap Window Plastics: 3M Post (Color) Corrected

This weekend I noted that during Obama's now-famous call to cap the salary of corporate big-wigs, it looked like the window behind him had been poorly-sealed with 3M plastic. You know, the kind that stops drafts from freezing you out in the winter if you have crappy windows.

Turns out it was not cheap plastics over the windows. It was expensive window plastics.

My post got play on C&R Blog Roundup and one of the comment-folk brought the light (sorry -- lamp):

Murphy Tinsley said...

What you are looking at is a sheet of neutral density with color correction put on the window by the MSNBC television crew. This material allowed them to balance the light level of the exterior with the level inside the office. There is also color correction to balace outside daylight with the lights they were using inside (unless they were HMI's.)

A credible and completely valid response.

I thank all my readers for visiting and my comment-folk especially for setting me straight. Even I am not without ignorance.

Even if the 3M explanation was more fun.

Beer Bottle Dominoes

Yes. Beer Bottle Dominoes.

3M: the White House Energy Plan

Obama recently made a now-famous call to put a ceiling on corporate earnings when those corporations accept gov't money.

But what you may have missed is the 3M plastic-over-windows in the background.



Okay, it's not very obvious in stills. Check out the video:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

So do we laud Obama's team for plasticating the windows in the White House, or do we rail them for not doing it well enough that it doesn't waver and show up in the shot?

You tell me.

Kid on Drugs (After the Dentist)

(via BoingBoing)



Is this gonna be forever?

New York and a Dragon!

I was reading this article about how shady New York Republican politics have been shitting on a man's sense of accomplishment and duty, when I ran into this paragraph:

A member of the Passamaquoddy Tribe in Maine, he said he is being discriminated against because of his national origin and retaliated against for having sued the state.

Did you just see what I just saw?

That's right: Passamaquoddy


Yes, I did own this record/book as a child.

Pete's Dragon represent!

The Magic Woodworkings of a Stimulus Plan

The stimulus plan has all the creeps coming out of the woodwork, most of them tossing everything - including the kitchen sink - at the Obama administration cause day wont day monies!

Las Vegas, which by some accounts already glitters, wants $2 million for neon signs.

Boynton Beach, Fla., is looking for $4.5 million for an "eco park" featuring butterfly gardens and gopher tortoises.

And Chula Vista, Calif., would like $500,000 to create a place for dogs to run off the leash.

These are among 18,750 projects listed in "Ready to Go," the U.S. Conference of Mayors' wish list for funding from the stimulus bill moving through Congress. The group asked cities and towns to suggest "shovel ready" projects for the report, which it gave to Congress and the Obama administration.

Let's just call bullshit on all that fuckery. Now and forever.

You want to dance around the money game? You want to propose projects the Federal Government should fund? Fine: line item how much it should cost and how many jobs it will create. If you get that money and do not create those jobs, you are accountable for creating those jobs within 2 months. If you do not create those jobs, you lose 50% of funding to the state until you do.

Accountability. How are we going to get anything done if it's just a bunch of liars and cheats?

Answer: we won't.

Sarah PAC - Here We Go. Again.

Sarah Palin has started her own PAC with the stated purpose of "building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation."

The actual purpose, of course, is part of the "Pack it in like Kobayashi" strategy so that in three years she can shit out an Alaska-sized hunk of political capitol all over America. Or that's one of the guesses. When asked what a PAC does, Palin only replied "Ms. Pac-Man is sooooo fun!"



Seriously, though, what's up with the logo? Alaska in the middle of the US?

The imagery represents:

• Blowing an Alaska-sized hole in the breadbasket of America "'cause carbs just don't sit well on my hips."
• "Alaska's big and America is big so that means I'm qualified to be President."
• "When I'm President, this is the area we'll fence off for all America's enemies."
• "Swimming pool!"
• "I can see North Dakota from my house."

But those are just a couple thoughts. What are yours?

Kinda Like Tripping

Stare at this for the minute or so it runs, then look at stuff and you might get a 5% feeling of what it's like to trip for 20 seconds or so.

Don't watch if you have any issues with seizures!

Barack Obama - Fuck Yeah

Unexpectedly ran into this wonderousness earlier today.



Fuck yeah.

(via DothBrands via Inauguration)

How Voter Fraud Can Follow You

Two days ago, on my Twitter account, I commented on the fact that Ken Blackwell, walking example of both voter fraud and questionable interests in DieBold from the notorious 2004 election (He pushed the no-paper-trail electronic machines in Ohio, then was found to have investments in them) had created a Twitter account.

I said:

That fraud, that traitor of a human being, Ken Blackwell, has a Twitter. http://twitter.com/kenblackwell

WTF to my surprise, yesterday, I was greeted with this:



At the very least, that guy's got his social online thing going on, even if his financial interests at the time cost Democrats the 2004 election.

But he's still a horrible person. And fuck if I'll follow his antics.

February 3rd - Blogroll Amnesty Day

Link love, get down, do it right.



Thanks BlueGal!

Pork Chop Sandwiches - G.I. Joe

Hit this at the end of a tedious task and - damn, this is funny, even if it's a bit aged. But I guess because it's retro...sorry. Just watch the 'toon.



Tidbit: I found it again because I want to make pork chop sandwiches for dinner. Srsly.

T-Shirt Hell Shutting Down

I've been a fan of T-Shirt Hell for many years now and am sad to see they are closing their doors.

We're sorry to bring the news that T-Shirt Hell will be closing its doors on Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009. Everything is now on sale during our final days.

For a message from the creator of TSH, Sunshine Megatron, go here. To view our final new shirts, plus 14 shirts we are bringing back as a thank you to everyone (including some of the best of our old Worse Than Hell section), go here.

It's been a deliciously wicked ride. Devilspeed to all who supported us.

(Customer service on all orders will continue for 60 days beyond our close date.)

Visit. Purchase. Weep.

And, hey, my birthday's coming up. My fav?



(and the obligatory social marketing one as well)

XL on black ;)

T-Shirt Hell, you will be missed. Never forget. :'(

RatherGood.com - The Cure - LOLCats

OMFG

Haggard Going Down (Again)

The enchantment of dick-suckin' lips

It was almost two years ago that I batted around the Ted Haggard dirty homo meth story. Please note that Ted Haggard has opened himself up to the ridicule I ladle upon him because he is a hypocritical monster of a human being. When you're an evangelical megachurch pastor and shit grin your way to stardom by a doctrine of clean livin' and how homosexuals are going to hell and then trade drugs for gay sex and when you are caught try to shrug off culpability by saying you have a drug problem and hiding in rehab, you deserve a shitstorm of pain.

Well, it appears that our pastor cum persona non grata has another skeleton hiding in the closet with him. Looks like Haggard buggered a 20-year old male volunteer to the church. Say it ain't so, Ted.

Oh, he does. Kinda.

There was a little sumpin-sumpin going on, it came out at a low level or he knew it would come out, he met with his wife and the man to apologize for an in appropriate relationship and then the church paid the guy for moving expenses, counseling fees, and his college tuition. And Teddy bear says there was no physical contact.

Exactly. Because he was so fucking forthcoming last time. Clinton never inhaled and Haggard never swallowed. That's why there's egg on his face. Well, maybe it's not egg...

The only conclusion that can be drawn from these events, encounters, and bald-faced lies is that Ted Haggard doesn't truly, deep within his heart, believe one goddamned bit of the drivel he's been preaching for years. For if he did, he would act in such a way as one does when they have a conviction that one day they will have to answer to the God of the friggin universe for their transgressions.

Or maybe he's at peace with an eternity of hell for a little cock. Or a lot of cock - he's still young and there's a lot more tail (between the legs) to be had.

Why I Removed My Tongue Piercing

2001 - 2009

The other night, I just took it out.

Around eight years I held that stud in my mouth, originally put there by my wife. It was time.

I guess the main reason I removed my tongue piercing was that after all that time, it's inevitable - even if you're careful - that you're going to chip a tooth or two. I was working on my third. The reason I held onto it for so long is a different story.

As soon as I was eighteen I drove downtown to have my left nipple pierced. I may have almost passed out, but I was hooked. Soon after was my first tattoo. After I met my wife, she pierced my tongue, then my right nipple. Before we were married we each sat for almost 8 hours to get the same piece: I on my right upper arm and her on her back. I'm still aching for another tat.

About four years ago, I removed the nipple rings. My nipples were sensitive before and piercings added a level of sensitivity that was actually beyond comfortable or pleasurable. Turns out, after the removal, they're at the exact level of sensitivity I was hoping for with the piercings.

But the tongue.

The tongue I held onto. I mentioned in a recent post that I'm soon to turn 32, and I think my holding onto my tongue piercing was a holding onto something edgy, something youthful, not that I think having one's tongue pierced makes one edgy or young.

Some of the logic I was mulling through said that cunnilingus was why I was holding on to that archive of my life. Why do I have my tongue pierced? Wink wink.

I realized the other night, in one single moment, that the flash, the edge was not in my piercing, it was in me, my charm, my personality. My talent was not in the stud, but in the tantalizing undulations of my tongue. "So you can make me come that doesn't make you Jesus." No, but at maybe St. Peter. Would you like to see my St. Peter?

Basically, it was a question of Samson in reverse. Samson believed - didn't God tell him? - all his power was derived from the length of his hair. And when his hair was cut off, his power was gone.

I realized my power was not in my "hair" but in me.

Then again, I've been trimming my "hair" for many years. Makes the power look bigger, they say.

So goodbye tongue piercing. I will miss you only in the funny way my mouth feels in your absence. You may have helped flick the bean, but the muscle was all mine. And that talent remains.

OMG! Earthquakes in California?

Next month I'll be 32. As I would guess my hard-issue mind for scientific inquiry got rolling about the time I was 7, I've been listening to this shite for some 25 years now.

Large earthquakes have rumbled along a southern section of the San Andreas fault more frequently than previously believed, suggesting that Southern California could be overdue for a strong temblor on the notorious fault line, a new study has found.

Exactly. WTF? Since I was a kid I've seen them; every couple of years, someone comes out with another report saying "Ooh, those California tremors are likely signs of a Long Overdue Event." No shit. The San Andreas Fault is supposed to explode like a golf ball hit with an axe and blow LA into the Pacific. (Yes, I know that's not how plate tectonics works)

I guess it comes down to the idea of worry. Predictions are fine and a wonderful tool, but when it becomes a prediction and a "warning" over and over again it loses all scientific value and turns into panic generation.

CHANGE: Sorry. Ever start writing and have a vague idea of where you're going and then, suddenly, it goes away and you're left with a waning buzz in the back of your skull and a pile of words that has no future? Yeah, that just happened to me. Might have something to do with the trance-inducing "How to Disappear Completely" by Radiohead pouring from the stereo speakers.

Science Tattoos, Without Research

If you are planning on getting a tattoo, at the first inkling, you must be thinking about your artist. Who is going to put permanent ink into your skin? You should probably not run out to the first tattoo shop you find.

Maybe I'm biased because when Mrs. Shambles and I were planning our matching pieces, we dug in deep and found Marty Holcomb working out of Columbus, a brilliant artist who was only taking ink jobs by appointment (yes, I'll add a pic of the finished piece within 2 days - promise).

But when I caught this bit on Discover's website, my first thoughts were "Oh, no, you didn't."



Take the time. Check out Discover's Science Tattoo Emporium. And please, please realize that just because you have a brilliant idea doesn't mean the artist knows what you want or can execute it well.

The bigger the piece, the more research you need to do, the more portfolios you need to view, and know that there is never a better time to say "um, no" than when you see the mock-up of what they are planning. Walk away. Better a pissed-off artist than thousands to remove something you look at a week later and think "WTF?"

Which comes back to the demonstrated art bit. Never let any tattoo artist tell you "everyone I've ever inked has been happy." Of course they're happy, initially. They just let you put permanent ink into their skin. If they admitted to themselves that they were not happy, they would have to admit that they had made a grave mistake, and in the ever-looming interest of self-preservation, I would guess that 99.999% of people who get tattoos, no matter how horrendous, initially claim happiness with the work.

Boil it down, now: Research. If you're a scientist, research more. Find the name of an artist, an actual person. View many, many portfolios. Get a good representation of what will be on your skin. Then - and only then - commit.

Rinse and repeat times the speed of light.