Yay More Followers! Say Hello!

I'd like everyone to say hello to BookSteve (BookSteve's Library) and MonogramGirl (A Nantucket State of Mind), two new followers who have joined the ranks of Linktastica! and received a sweet follow-back from me.

The boobs icon is a fake, spammy person and while I do enjoy the female form, will be removing them (if I can?). But that will drop me below 30! Tell your friends to stop by!

A special thanks to all my readers and followers - I've only been doing this this long because of you.

Cheers!

Weird Email

amq xwxe lhxgas mkkwvo qhok
(Aksel Chavez to me)

mqv wxe positlhxion
ashmkthe wvorpart
you hok by mwl
youvjfayme yrefrom toyptart.
Illbedojll beahefore ohl.
bejzk pounceamqvpony.
thiswxeceremony
lhx filashmklsmy wvor.
a punhokch toy vomwllunteer kvjfaynee.
is yrealu waoypnt tohdojllear
aahend aohlyou wjzksee.

It is not spam, at least not in the sense of trying to trick me into opening it or buying something or even clicking to a spammy site.

Message from the aliens? Secret cryptic from a spy? What do you make of it?

Flavors of Nigeria, Direct Response Email

Once, a while back, I tried to have some public fun with spam scams. Unfortunately, it was a fail as I was apparently too boisterously excited about getting more information and did not get a response back. The mouse did not keep moving so I could whack it again.

Since I don't have the time or energy to craft a response letter that is invigorated by the prospect of free money yet not too over-the-top, I've been going with a different tack.

Today I got this email:

Sir,

I am Dr. Garrett Kenneth, a member of independent committee of eminent person {icep} and I wish to notify you that You can be listed as Heir to the total sum of (Twelve million six hundred thousaund United states dollars) in the codicil and last testament of the deceased. I contacted you because you bear the surname identity and therefore can present you as the Heir to the inheritance funds.

I therefore reckoned that you could receive these funds as you are qualified by your name identity. All the legal papers will be processed in your acceptance. In your acceptance of this deal, we request that you kindly forward to me your letter of acceptance; your current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable me file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money.

Please indicate your interest immediately for us to proceed. I shall feed you with full details of this transaction and my particulars upon receipt of your reply towards this proposal.


I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Garrett Kenneth.

What a douche. "independent committee of eminent person {icep}"? Seriously? It shows me "Dr. Garrett Kenneth (kenneth@telefonica.net)" for the email, but reply-to is set at "drkennethgarrett@rediffmail.com" (feel free to spam the bastard), and rediffmail.com is an India email website.

Anyway, my past replies to these emails (Yes, I reply to every one) have been very simple and focused and along the lines of "May the pain you inflict be visited upon you tenfold." If nothing else, I'm looking at curse psychology and the quite suffering of someone with a conscience.

Today I was feeling a little randy and replied with:

I hope you are gang-raped by a pack of wild, syphilitic hyenas and slowly eaten alive when they are done.

And I think I've already put together my next one:

As Jesus once said: Go fuck yourself until you bleed to death.

Thoughts?

Fun With Scams - Project Top Urgent

While our last project saw us made at the first email, I have learned from the experience, and right now feel like Annie Potts in Ghostbusters hitting that red buzzer and screaming "We got one!"

That's right, you sadist readers, you read it correctly: Top Urgent.

Today's solicitation comes from another HSBC person:

DR.CHRISTIAN AKWA,
HEAD OF TREASURY DEPARTMENT
HSBC BANK ACCRA GHANA

A short, unremarkable note came with this poorly 'Shopped "document" (click to see bigger)



And, for your pleasure:



So with the quick ending of our previous experiment, I took it easy and didn't lay it on too thick for round 1. Gotsta gettem used to me:

Hey Dr. Akwa,

Are you kidding? Is this a miracel? Oh, my wife, Debbie and I are having a rough time of it and our car just broke down and - are you kidding? Aw, I can't believe this!

So you're in a different country? IS Ghana in England? How does this work? I'm just wonderin to get more details to make sure you're not joshin me or tryin to pull one over on me.

I don't think we have any money over in England, but if you say so, and show me more that this is real, I think we can work this out. Just don't want to get burned. Ya know?

Talks to you soon Chris

Hoping heavily for updates to this one. Stay tuned.

Fun With Scams

Have you ever heard of baiting spammers?

I got this in the email today:

From:Mr.Ahmed Douglas
Private number / +226 783 479 20

Dear Friend,

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however, it's just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction. I am a banker by profession from Burkina Faso in west Africa and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and Accounting unit of the bank. I have the opportunity of transferring the leftover funds($8.7million) of one of my bank clients who died along with his entire family on 31 July 2000 in a plane crash. You can confirm the geniuses of the deceased death by clicking on this web site.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

Hence, I am inviting you for a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 60/30 while 10% will be mapped out for expenses. If you agree to my business proposal. further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your return mail. have a great day.

yours,
Mr.Ahmed Douglas.

I await for your urgent call trough my mobile telephone number/ +226 783 479 20

NB, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THIS TRANSACTION AS YOUR TOP SECRECT AND MAKE IT CONFIDENTIAL TILL WE RECEIVES THE FUND INTO THE ACCOUNT THAT YOU WILL PROVIDE TO THE BANK. DONT DISCLOSE IT TO ANY BODY "PLEASE", BECAUSE THE SECRECY OF THIS TRANSACTION IS AS WELL AS THE SUCCESS OF IT AS I AM STILL IN SERVICE.

...so I responded with:

OMG, My wife, Debbie, and I were just talking about how we need a ton of money! Debbie wants to go shoe shopping and has a small gambling habit (and a hairlip), so free money is awesome! We were just at the mall the other day and Debbie said she wanted more shoes and I said we don't have the money and she said she wanted shoes and we got into an argument and she's sleeping on the couch because I have a bad back and can't sleep on the couch. My spine's out of whack, I guess, but I don't have the money to get it checked out, let alone fixed and this is great because she'll be so excited and maybe I can get her back into our bed soon. And my back.

I am surprised! You succeeded!

I like business deals since I am a businessman and would like to conduct business deals in a business like manner. I like business. You have my top secret on the low-down assurance that we're on the same page and everything is all good. You had me at hello! LOL!

I can't call you because I don't know what that phone number means. We don't have long distance and that number looks REALLY LONG. LOL!

Talks to you soon.

Updates forthcoming.

UPDATE:

There is no update. As the tailing cops say as the bad guys hit the gas: We've been made. Either I was too outlandish, the scammer too edgy, or they didn't believe I had a wife named Debbie with a hairlip. Damn. We'll try again next time I get one and I'll post anew.

But not to leave you dry, while I do not engage these scammers every time, I do sometimes at least reply that I am not interested, as I did with this example:

The pain you cause shall be visited upon you ten fold and your penis will shrivel.

Right Wing Glurge Spam - Political Correctness

Sometimes you don't know someone's political leanings until you land on their "hay, this iz funny!" forward list. And even after that, you still respect them. After all, how else are you going to know what sorts of ultra-pseudo-patriotic, right-wing "librulz r crap" emails are going around?

This came from one of those friends:

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote,
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Hahaha. Oh, those righties.

Unfortunately, it has not yet hit Snopes.com, but the first pieces are, unsurprisingly, unverifiable. The Texas A&M website is void of any reference to turds, save one that has nothing to do with the supposed contest. I've also looked at over a dozen blog and web posts of this quote: none of them link to an actual contest and most actually refer to a forwarded email. Good show, folks.

Note to self: Make up quote that quips on the definition of the Constitution or some such fodder that pokes at righties then disseminate quote by emailing a liberal who is known to flagrantly forward unjustified emails to others who will do the same.

Note to self: Make friends with a liberal who is known to flagrantly forward unjustified emails to others who will do the same, should such be found to exist.