Michael Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story"

Don't know if you saw this trailer, but I'm eagerly awaiting the movie.

Bowser and His Minions Video

Don't know if you've seen this, but I've been in a Super Mario mood today (little more Mario than super).

Ricky's Gout Update

Some of you may have read my post from Wednesday about getting the Gout. I know it's just called gout, but I feel I need to distance myself from the word with an additional article.

So over the last 48 hours I have done hours of research and acted on that research and am happy to say that I'm at about 25% of the pain, swelling, and stiffness level I was when I posted. I have not been to a doctor because:

Symptoms:

• Severe pain in the toe joint
• Swollen and shiny in appearance
• Tender to the touch
• Unbendable

These are tried and true indications of gout and nothing more.

What were my major risk factors?

• Sedentary lifestyle (web programmer)
• Lack of exercise
• Mediocre monitoring of diet
• Slightly overweight
• High alcohol consumption (2+ drinks 4+ nights a week)
• Low-moderate hydration

So what's helping right now?

• Lots of water
• Concentrated, organic cherry juice
• ...occasionally with a couple t of apple cider vinegar
• Lots of celery
• Increase of Vitamin C
• Baking soda in water to turn the acid knob down from 11

And what must I continue after it is gone to avoid another flair-up?

• Lots of water
• Cherry juice daily
• Vitamin C
• Exercise daily (and therefore lose weight)
• Pretty much remove beer and keep alcohol down to 1-2 times a week

And that's the long and short of it: get healthy and keep it away. Not so complicated. Any questions?

Like a Boss

Dick in a Box, I'm on a Boat, Jizz in My Pants. Yeah, those guys.

Michelle's Shorts Sanctimonious Blowout

Holy shit! Did you see this!?



This is Michelle Obama, the First Lady, getting off Air Force One looking like she's on vacation in Kenya or Hawaii or something. Sheesh!

At least that's some of the weird, misaligned flap coming off the whole photo op.

Let's make this clear: criticism of Michelle in shorts is coming from two camps - old folks who grew up with a different reality of propriety and conservatives looking to piss and moan about anything at all having to do with the Obamas.

Old folks I can understand. Conservatives I never do.

If Michelle came off the plane in a nice pants suit, they'd have the designer on the phone getting a price quote and bitching that she doesn't shop at Target and is an elitist. She looks like a normal person (who works out and looks pretty damn good in shorts) so it's improper or un-ladylike for them.

How about a burqa next time? She's already received flack from asshat conservatives that she's "mean" and "angry" because she has an opinion and a voice. And it would be surprising if some of that vitriol didn't have it's roots in the fact that she's not only a woman, but black, and the white man pundits have a problem with a class that doesn't know its place.

But I ramble. Michelle looks fine in shorts physically. It is not a fashion faux-pas to get off a plane in the middle of summer in the US in shorts; it actually humanizes her as First Lady. Michelle Obama is not - and never will be - a stretchy mom-jeans kind of woman. Nor should she. Us fans like her just the way she is.

Thursday's Wednesday's Mural on Van, It Is!

Wasted so much time whining yesterday I forgot to do that van mural thingy.

So here you go, in all Yoda's wisdom:



The painting's not all that bad (though it is on a mini-van), so why jank it up with a poorly-lettered "Do or do not" on the back?

In all my new searches, we're going to have to have a Star Wars second round put together for Van Mural Wednesday. I know, and it's okay that you just peed yourself a little.

Weiner v. Boehner

Haha! Fight!

(I really need a photoshop here. Coming soon.)

Barney Frank Steps Up

Can we get a woop woop? Can we get Obama to speak so plainly?

Awww Shit. I Got the Gout. Seriously.

About a month ago, the middle toe of my right foot hurt where that second joint of the foot meets the metatarsal. It hurt badly. Having been out the night before at an Irish festival, I figured I must've slipped in a muddy hole or off a curb at some point and sprained or even broken my foot. Yes, it hurt that badly.

A day later, the pain faded and I thought "Gee, that was weird." A week later the pain returned briefly and quickly faded. A week after that, a dull ache appeared for a day in the same secondary knuckle of my left big toe. I said to Mrs. Shambles "is there any weird thing that attacks your toe knuckles?" almost jokingly.

Well, today I can barely walk. The pain in my left big toe is probably twice as bad as as the break I had at once suffered, mostly because there is a constant, inflamed throbbing paired with the pain caused by the crystals of uric acid that are forming in the joint. (note: not hyperbole; site after site describes gout as "one of the most painful of the rheumatic conditions" fuck.)

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that. Gout is when your body holds on to too much uric acid. That uric acid - for reasons unknown - crystallizes in the big toe joints of men to start (in general - other joints are affected and it also affects women). It's been a chronicled condition for some 2000 years, but no one's exactly sure why it happens.

But they do know what contributes to it: purines. What has lots of purines? Shellfish, other seafood, rich meats, alcohol (especially beer), yeast, mushrooms, asparagus, and cauliflower, amongst other things. This list reads like my core diet.

And the rest of the common knowledge is jibberish. For example, dairy is shown to provide relief in some, but increased lipids in the blood are a risk factor. Oh, and a lack of exercise and being 25 lbs over my ideal weight isn't helping

There are prescription options, but they have more side effects than results. So that leaves natural remedies. Based on my extensive research efforts, dark berries (specifically cherries[?]) and apple cider vinegar are the way to go, as well as anything with antioxidants - like more dark berries - and avoiding anything on the purine list. Boo.

So I've already had a liter of black cherry juice (no, really, I'm not in the mood for -- okay, it's fucking hilarious) with some ACV (yech), and I'm planning for a full-on bomb this evening: another liter of organic cherry concentrate, some more ACV, concentrated Acai juice, and a pint of blueberries. Your prayers and thoughts are appreciated.

The bitch of the bunch is that everything I read talks about 80's and 60's and 50's and late 40's. I'm 32. My (online) name is Ricky. And I have gout. And it hurts like a motherfucker.

[Side note: I have not been officially diagnosed by a doctor, but the symptoms of gout are so specific that I have no doubt as to what I have. If I cannot remedy it on my own, I will have to push the med option.]

So, anyone know anyone with this? Remedies that worked? I'd love to hear from you.

I Say Juggalo, You Say ...WTF?

If you do not know Insane Clown Posse (ICP), the horrorcore hip hop duo, then you do not know of their followers/groupies/fans called Juggalos (the ladies are, appropriately, called Juggalettes). ICP has a very large and loyal following that sport their tattoos, scary clown makeup, and espouse the joys of Faygo pop.

Every year they assemble at the Gathering of the Juggalos. If you don't know, there's nothing I can do but show you. Truth be told, the actual volume of Faygo vs. Natty Light at the Gathering is up for debate.

Obama: That's About Enough

In which I rant about the things that are pissing me off about this administration.

Last year, I spent a great deal of time cheering for Obama, supporting him in my blog, and celebrating joyously after his election.

Now maybe it's because when the last Democratic president was elected I was too busy getting stoned and chasing tail in college to give much a shit about politics other than "Yay Clinton!" *gurgling bong noise*, or maybe it's because I own my own business and keep a tight watch on money, but as of today I'm disillusioned by Obama. I'm done; that's enough.

I'm not turning Republican (what kind of monster do you think me?), and while I float in the direction, am not going fully Libertarian. I'm still with the Democratic Party. For now.

Wha - happen?

Bailout
Wait. America's hurting and we're pissing money into bad-decision banks and car companies? What. The. FUCK.

Will letting them fall lose jobs? Sure. But when companies fail and other, larger companies purchase them and people move and shift and, basically, the brush has burned and the bigger trees are nurtured and some big trees fall and nurture smaller, smarter ones. And the market rebounds.

But we shit out money and many banks and car companies still failed. And they're weaker for it. As are we.

Stimulus Bill Stalls
I'm looking at Obama, checking out the stimulus bill, cheering "Hell yeah!" and really hoping for the best from all this spending. And then I see that after months maybe 10% of that money has actually gone out. Months? 10%? Is a flood of money and projects and money something to be scared about when we've been hearing that it's ALL going to help the economy?

Where's the f'ing money? Where's the f'ing stimulus?

Pelosi
Honeslty, I'm an enormous proponent of female equality. If a man can be a feminist, I'm one of them. But power apparently corrupts. And Pelosi is doing some things that are total amateur wanker shit.

There's some illogical argumentation, a request for giant planes, and the stuttering and side-stepping you don't like to see in an official leader. I don't know if it's her tone of voice or general demeanor, but she doesn't present herself as a confident leader, not like Hillary does, not like Michelle does.

Cash for Clunkers
A cash incentive program to get people to buy cars with better GPM? Excellent! But we're going to destroy the car they're trading in? Retarded. For parts, for donation, for ...anything! If the program were really about going green, someone with a brain in the administration would've spoken up and said "Um, hey, since the carbon footprint of the car that's already been manufactured cannot be un-done, perhaps the best thing is for someone to get viable use out of the vehicle. Y'know? Like recycle, reuse, and all that other crap we keep saying?"

flag@whitehouse.gov
We just got out of an administration that lived and breathed big brother contempt for privacy. And you decided it would be a good idea to start up a snitch email where people can forward "fishy" information. That's fishy, shady, and stupid.

Single-Payer
One of the biggest parts of the '08 election, for me, was my support of Dennis Kucinich. His support for a not-for-profit medical program that overrided the madness of insurance companies - that are rationing NOW and operating as "death panels" NOW and preventing people from getting coverage that will save their lives NOW.

And today I read that The White House is positioning to drop single payer option.

So Obama and friends: I am well aware that you state that single payer is only a part of the health care reform plan. Unfortunately, insurance companies are most of the problem. If there is no public option and you pass a bill to just pass a bill, you will achieve NOTHING for the American people. You will shimmy just a little bit, just enough to make it look like things changed, but you'll still be wearing the girdle of the insurance companies, and you will be no better - actually, worse - than the Republicans lining their pockets with insurance company money.

America wants prescription drug costs bargained down. America wants a not-for-profit health care system. Call Dennis. Do lunch. He'll explain the way it needs to be.


And before my generally liberal readers have any negative feedback to pass along, I'd like to say that I post because I care. I know this is not the best the administration can do. I know that they know better. I think all of us who brought him to the Oval Office need to remind them all what their best is, and that before a general election in '12 there will be a Democratic Party primary.

FOX on Technology: Um...Durrr

I was clicking through the channels and came across FOX and Bill Sammon jizzing all over themselves saying that their reporting is why the White House pulled the plug on the flag@whitehouse.gov and is posturing on pulling the public option out of the health care bill (more on that later), but Bill Sammon needs to do a little research.

Bill, apparently pulling the headline off of Drudge, kept talking about how the White House had disabled the "flag" website. Problem is: there is no flag website. Never was. Just an email that is now apparently auto-responding with "no longer valid" or whatever.

I think the snitch email was a stupid move and am glad it's gone (or tells you it's gone), but if you're going to report about technology, get your shit together.

Shit! I Forgot Van Mural Wednesday!

So you get two because I love you.


This van will mop the floor with your van's ass.



This is what happens to vans when they lose their way.

Love you all! Promise to be on time next week!

Climage Change Critique - FAIL

Hrm? Is that pronounced like namaste? I'd guess anything about "climaste" would be mythy in some way since "climaste" is not a word.

(from here)

Some Shit About Stuff and Shit

Chanting Obama
How about a video of a town hall NOT gone horribly wrong?



The little kid drawing on the ground in the dark really hit me.

But note to pro-Obama folks: Stop the "We won" chant. "We won" describes ONE single success and intimates that the Democratic party can do whatever the fuck they want. That is not a good message. Ever. It is not a message; it is being a poor winner. If we toss a mandate on the election of Obama, we are no better than the sucking-on-the-Dubya-teat crowd. Say something with meaning. Your chants may not be catchy, but they'll be focused.

Woman on Fire
A woman set herself on fire in a mall. I'm awaiting the video. But if I were somehow coerced to the Mall of America (think B.A. Baracus on a flight) and awoke in that place, I might just do the same thing. The correct phrase, not used in the story, is self-immolation.

In a related story, a woman on fire in a mall deemed so hawt, 15 were burned trying to grab whatever clothing she had on. Damn.


Obama Threat
Some asshat thought it would be a good idea to concoct a freeway-exit-caliber cardboard sign that said "Death to Obama."

I'm sure some goon on the right will denounce his arrest.

But it's a pretty widely popular notion that a threat to the POTUS - in written or verbal form - is a federal offense. Or at least a viable threat. Like that other asshat who showed up to his town hall meeting with a firearm strapped to his leg.

I propose a new law: Deport the Fucktards.

Palin ...Again
In the same vein as the last section, Palin is spouting again. On fucking Facebook!

That's your platform? That's your "oh, conservatives didn't get it in '08" punch to the young folks?

No one reads anything on Facebook more than a couple sentences, and you post your manifesto TRYING to convince us that your vagrant, foolish nomenclature of "death panels" is valid?

Once again: the federal government's constant point has always been that a living will is probably a good idea. The new plan says the government will pay for setting that up. What's confusing about that? Are you trolling for another Schiavo? Do you want more pain?

Either way, go for it. Position yourself for 2012.

We'll have a damn ball.

If You Assume...

It's seven minutes long, but I watched it because it was passed along by - you know it by now - Brent, and it's worth every minute. There's even intrigue. Or at least I was intrigued.

Bush's Batshit Crazy War: Chriac, Gog, & Magog

I dug this article up somewhere, and it's not the only place it can be found. But take a look at this:

Now out of office, Chirac recounts that the American leader appealed to their "common faith" (Christianity) and told him: "Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East…. The biblical prophecies are being fulfilled…. This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins."

This bizarre episode occurred while the White House was assembling its "coalition of the willing" to unleash the Iraq invasion. Chirac says he was boggled by Bush’s call and "wondered how someone could be so superficial and fanatical in their beliefs."

If this is vetted - and I've got my doubts - then holy shit why isn't this leading ever newscast in America right now? Why isn't Bush being taken to account not only as a war criminal but a nutbag who started a war because of the Bible?

Holy hell we were in a much worse place than we thought we were when Bush was president.

Animation and Gaming Convention Ohio

The *ahem* Triforce

Animation & Gaming in Ohio. In Cincinnati! And after you read this description, you will not wonder why I read this and immediately "Holy shit! I must attend for the spectacle!"

• Cosplay Musical (Theme of Resident Evil)


• Wrestling Hoboken (Watch a full on show by the talented guys from Mad Pro Wrestling, followed by matches from you favorite games, cartoons and anime characters as they square off in the wrestling ring)


• Battle of the Rock Bands (Think you have what it takes to go into a Rock Band Tourney and come out victorious on the A&G Main Event Stage in front of a crowd of your peers? Then Bring it on.. it's time to rock!)

New Signature Events to this years line up will include:


• Zombie Apocolypse (it's a game, it's a LARP, it's live action, and it's lazer tag. All rolled up into one)


• Zelda live-action adventure (based off the hit game from Nintendo- Zelda)

Cincinnati. March 12-14, 2010. Weekend badge is $20 until Jan. 1. Be there.

Snacks n Shit

Snacks n Shit is a newly discovered (by me, anyway) blog that riffs on rap and hip-hop lyrics. It's hilarious. Examples, please?

"Man, her head was gooder than a music."
- Common, I Poke Her Face

Man, this might be the single worst sentence I've ever heard someone say, and it mostly just made me sad.

Filed under: Worst comparison ever / Extreme English failure

As you can tell, there are many layers here, from the raw lyric to the names of some of these artists, the album name, and, of course, the commentary.

Enjoy!

(via BoingBoing)

Lazy Cat on Treadmill

In Short: Silly CEO, It's Free!

That silly rabbit, News Corp. Chairman and CEO Rupert Murdoch (Fox News?), was talking about how he plans to be paid for all digital content. For those of you new to the internet, digital content is generally free and news digital content is ubiquitously free, so he's having some 2 girls 1 cup wet dream that he's going to change the paradigm of the interwebs.

"Quality journalism is not cheap," he said.

My immediate thought was: Okay, so how much is your kind of journalism then?

Glenn Beck: Choose Research, not Gossip

Indie band Gossip

This morning, in a throw away to a break, Glenn spouted the little gem that the origin of the word gossip comes from kings needing to know what the people were thinking, and so sent their minions to pubs and taverns with the instructions to "go sip" here or there. And that turned into "gossip."

Right. And back then most weddings happened in June because people bathed once a year in May...

Anyone who has been on the internet more than five minutes should know that research into historical or etymological claims is a necessity. And when you have a paid research staff, foolish errors like this make you look silly.

From Word Detective, just for Glenn:

The appeal of such stories is said to be that they "make sense," but the actual origin of "gossip" makes just as much sense even if it takes a bit longer to explain. In Old English, a "godsibb" was a godmother or godfather, a person's sponsor at baptism, from "god" plus "sib," meaning "relative" (related to our modern "sibling"). Eventually "godsib" acquired the broader meaning of "close friend" of either sex, although most often a woman. Since close friends share intimate secrets and news, "gossip" (as it was spelled by the 15th century) came to mean "one who indulges in idle chatter or rumors," and the modern sense of labeling someone a "gossip" was born. The use of "gossip" to mean the rumors themselves is more recent, appearing in the 19th century.

An ounce of prevention...

And here's Gossip's "Heavy Cross"

Kidd Video: What the Hell Was I Thinking?

I used to watch a show called Kidd Video on Saturday mornings in the early/mid 80's. It was about a teenie California band that was opted by Master Blaster, leader of Flipside, through a mirror during one of their rehearsals. He pulled them through, Zod-style, into a cartoon world. Sorry, no token black in this one.



What the fuck was I thinking? For fuck's sake!

Then again, Dungeons & Dragons was also my bread & butter:



But that I can respect. Right?

Van Mural Wednesday: Flowers, Peppers, and Poison

This week's Van Mural Wednesday shows that either someone loves the nature, or is celebrating the three ingredients that keep him high:



And as promised Monday or something, here's the joy brought to me by my friend Brent (Twitter - we're still working on the website thing.)



Image from Picture Is Unrelated.

In Short: Bill Clinton Brings the Beef

How fucking amazing was it that the whole fucking world is pissing up Kim Jong Il's communist ceremonial robe about the American reporters sentenced to years of hard labor and Bill Clinton shows up to the party, a walking monument to American cajones, probably jokes with Kim, punches him in the arm, passes on a Lewinsky cigar, watches a porno, and North Korea lets the journalists go.

The right barely had time to fart afoul of the visit before the release happened. They're already back with their families!

Screw that talk about W. Bubba got some swagger and he ain't afraid to use it.

Brazil Talks Pee Pee

Today Mrs. Shambles sent me this link from CBS in which, well:

New TV ads are encouraging Brazilians to save water - by urinating in the shower.

Brazilian environmental group SOS Mata Atlantica says the campaign, running on several television stations, uses humor to persuade people to reduce flushes.

The group says if a household avoids one flush a day, it can save up to 4,380 liters (1,157 gallons) of water annually.

SOS spokeswoman Adriana Kfouri said Tuesday that the ad is "a way to be playful about a serious subject."

The spot features cartoon drawings of people from all walks of life - a trapeze artist, a basketball player, even an alien - urinating in the shower.

Narrated by children's voices, the ad ends with: "Pee in the shower! Save the Atlantic rainforest!"

Sure. Fine. I can pee in the shower and start saving myself some water money to save up for the toilet with the Pee/Poo buttons. But what made this postworthy was not the story about peeing in the shower, though it did make me giggle.

It was this unfortunate juxtaposition:



So, so wrong. Next up: a public service announcement that amateur golden shower porn actually take place outdoors or in the bathtub to save the water that would be used to clean up that stank.

New Site: Picture is Unrelated

I got a new picture for an idea for Van Mural Wednesdays (Which will appear on Wedensday) and in that discovered a site as wasteful and time-consuming as FailBlog.org.

It's called Picture is Unrelated.



Mindfuck FTW! So much wrong with this that I ask your opinions, dear readers.

Also visit Ask A Urinal for more LOLs.

Project Censored - Ignored Stories

As much as I love commenting on political commentary and opining on opinion, there are some that dedicate themselves to exposing things that are in plain sight, even if just for a moment. This is where Project Censored comes in, presenting "the news that didn't make the news." Check out their site. In the meantime, check out some clips from the most recent newsletter:

American School Segregation

For example, current research indicates that public schools in the United States are more segregated today than they have been in more than four decades. According to a new Civil Rights report, published at the University of California, Los Angeles, schools in the US are 44 percent non-white, and minorities are rapidly emerging as the majority of public school students in the US. Latinos and blacks, the two largest minority groups, attend schools more segregated today than during the civil rights movement forty years ago. Millions of non-white students are locked into “dropout factory” high schools, where huge percentages do not graduate. The most severe segregation in public schools occurs in the Western states, including California—not in the South, as many people believe. Most non-white schools are segregated by poverty as well as race. Schools in low-income communities remain highly unequal in terms of funding, qualified teachers, and curriculum.

1 Million Dead Civilians in Iraq - Confirmed

Other taboo stories include civilian death rates in Iraq and questions on 9/11. Researchers from Johns Hopkins University and a professional survey company in Great Britain, Opinion Research Business (ORB) report that the United States is directly responsible for over one million Iraqi deaths since our invasion six and half years ago. In a January 2008 report, ORB reported that, “survey work confirms our earlier estimate that over 1,000,000 Iraqi citizens have died as a result of the conflict which started in 2003…. We now estimate that the death toll between March 2003 and August 2007 is likely to have been of the order of 1,033,000.” A 2006 Johns Hopkins study confirmed that US aerial bombing in civilian neighborhoods caused over a third of these deaths and that over half the deaths are directly attributable to US forces. Iraqi civilian death levels in the summer of 2009 likely now exceed 1.2 million.

9/11 Called Back Into Question

Former Brigham Young University physics professor Dr. Steven E. Jones and some 700 scientific professionals in the fields of architecture, engineering, and physics have now concluded that the official explanation for the collapse of the World Trade Center (WTC) buildings is implausible according to laws of physics. Especially troubling is the collapse of WTC 7, a forty-seven-story building that was not hit by planes, yet dropped in its own “footprint” in 6.6 seconds in the same manner as a controlled demolition. To support this theory, Jones and eight other scientists conducted chemical research on the dust from the World Trade centers. Their research results were published in a peer-reviewed scientific journal Open Chemical Physics Journal, Volume 2, 2009. The authors write, “We have discovered distinctive red/gray chips in all the samples. The properties of these chips were analyzed using optical microscopy, scanning electron microscopy (SEM), X-ray energy dispersive spectroscopy (XEDS), and differential scanning calorimetry (DSC). The red portion of these chips is found to be an unreacted thermitic material and highly energetic.” Thermite is a pyrotechnic composition of a metal powder and a metal oxide, which produces an aluminothermic reaction known as a thermite reaction and is used in controlled demolitions of buildings.

A Quick Retrospective on Photoshop

Since I don't feel all that much like blogging today, I thought it might be nice to take a look back, as I publish my 966th post since I began, to the best of my Photoshop pieces. But since I'm too lazy today to copy/paste all those images from past posts, you get to click on the following link:

Ricky Shambles' Cause For Concern Photoshops

Ah, memories. Enjoy!

Van Mural Wednesday: Jungle Fever

So back in 'Nam ... or a South American jungle. Or something. The art is good, but the image takes some brain power to process, so the potential for accidents with this beast on the road is high.

Just a Few Questions

Do men with larger penises seek out smaller women so they look even bigger in perspective? Do men with smaller penises do the same thing?

(Congratulations! You are Queen of the Giant Cock Tower!)

----------

If Jesus and Mary Magdalene ever really nailed it, do you think it was weird for Jesus to call out his mom's name when he came?

(Oh Mary, Mary, quite contrary... Mom - oh, shit...sorry...give me a minute. I swear this almost never happens.)

----------

Would Dick Cheney consider it torture if someone pulled his dick through the middle of a CD and showed him porn?

(You'll never get me hard - oh, shit, is that torture video? Shit!)

----------

If it wasn't for the Laserdisc, would Compact Discs (CDs) have been called CDs? Would we just call them Ds?

(Hey, what Ds you pick up at FYE today? / Dude, I burn my Ds from tha internets; nobody buys them anymore.)

----------

Are you disappointed that the last question was not also about penises in some form?

(And what form should those penises take? Discuss.)

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Are Canadian lesbians more Canadian because they eat beaver?

(Nothing to see here folks; that was just terrible.)

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If God created ALL things and evangelicals say he did not create evil, how do you rectify that argument?

(He "allows" evil, of course! / But if he didn't create it, how does it exist? / Begone Satan!)

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The CDC is now saying every child from 6 mo to 18 years get a flu vaccine; do you believe the hype?

(Hype my ass, daddy gov't needs to pay the bills and scarin' the public and fuckin' the vaccine folks gets that done. Kinda.)

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Do I have too many questions?

(Please check yes or no.)

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Does this post have anything to do with the fact that I'm dangerously close to 1000 posts?

(Smack that 1K, bitch. That's right. Smack it like you mean it!)

Liquid Jesus Beer - Get Saved

A thought fart while coasting through some Google Image Search results. Needed to be done. Though it would be cool, it's unfortunately all smoke and mirrors folks. Until I get my homebrew going....

Fixing the California Economy

This video embarrasses me as a human being. Enjoy.

Disability: Not as Easy as You'd Think

This is a personal blurb. Feel free to skip, though I'll go light on the glurge.

My mother-in-law is 58. 32 years ago, she began showing symptoms and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. That's where your body sees the cartilage between the joints as an enemy to be attacked. 26 is absurdly early for symptoms and diagnosis.

She's had shoulders, knees, and elbows replaced and rebuilt, some twice. Once your cartilage goes completely, your bones will actually fuse together. Her wrists are fused, ankles and parts of her spine in process. Her fingers are curled tightly and almost immobile. She can barely get up from a sitting position, let alone do anything more complicated than that. She's been studied by doctors all over the world. She is 58.

This weekend we were in Cleveland to keep an eye on her in the hospital because she'd come down with pneumonia. It appears to be clearing, but the big issue that came through the family discussions was disability. Despite her limitations, she is still a licensed nurse and was working as of 3 weeks ago (interesting note: she is certified in CPR to do compressions with her elbows because she can not do them with her hands).

So stubborn as she is, she has finally agreed to go on disability. But you can't just go on disability. Short term disability is not quite the obstacle course, but since she is not yet 62, she can't just stop working and collect Social Security. So that's where disability comes in. And it turns out that even with some 30 years of records of limitations and surgeries and remedies and descriptions of her condition, there is about a 95% chance she will be turned down in the first round of long-term disability application.

And the reviewers work in groups. And when the group reviews the case and the Denied stamp goes on the application and is resubmitted, another member of the group is assigned to it for round 2. And since group dynamics in a working environment generally don't put you in a position where you are comfortable pointing to your colleague and saying "you're wrong," round 2 denial comes at a chance of about 99.9%. I guess that's a combination of job security and the governmental sieve to weed out some of the cheats by effort level.

Now, once denial 2 comes around it goes to court and as soon as they see her wheeled in, it's an immediate win. Unfortunately, that stage can take several months, enough time to leave a gap between short term and long term.

And then we spin out into a multitude of issues like rent, day-to-day care, inability of kids to support her, inability of her mother (with whom she lives) to take care of her, and - always - where is this money going to come from?

But I shall not bore you or trouble you with that. I haven't written since Van Mural Wednesday and thought I'd give you a taste of my world for the past couple days. But I guess if it were a real taste, you'd get a back-of-the-tongue lapping of that antiseptic, hospital, hand-cleanser-and-rubber-gloves that chokes you a bit and makes taking down food a little more difficult. And I wouldn't want that for anyone.

Gates, Obama Draw Out the Whacko Racists

I was heading back from Cleveland to Cincinnati this morning (more on that tale to come) and having been somewhat detached from the mass (and winged) media all weekend, I was surprised to find my drive filled and garnished and flourished with the whole Obama/Gates situation. Last we left it on Friday, Obama said his words were unmeasured in that generalized non-apology we've all come to know and love from all politicians and had contacted the two parties involved and invited them to have a beer at the White House.

(Sidenote: Yay beer! The last 8 years all the fun was drunk out of the bottle with our always-recovering POTUS.)

(Sidenote 2: As far as opinion goes on matters where not all the facts have been presented, I'm going with Gates as a "Do you know who I am" kind of attitude and Crowley as perhaps over-reacting to that. Race doesn't really seem to be an issue; Crowley just doesn't like dickheads.)

I should've been tipped off on Saturday when I heard a blurb on one of Cleveland's AM stations on a short errand about how Crowley should take Obama up on the beer offer and wear a wire and expose the other two men as frauds. Right. A wire in the White House.

But today my mouth was left agape. Listening to Quinn and Rose on Akron's 640 AM. Apparently they did some research and found out that there is a contingent of elitist blacks who meet with Obama at Martha's Vineyard, and they include Gates, and are socialist, communist, Marxist, Leninist folks that are pushing for a rise in the voice of revolt of the blacks, perhaps even with a revitalized Black Panther movement.

Rose, the female of the pair, then went into her absolute conviction that after the Gates incident this cadre of black Illuminati directly called Obama and told him he was required to bring up the issue in public and be outraged. This, of course, was the cause for the plant in the press conference, etc. She subsequently entertained the idea that she was being racially profiled as a white Italian woman because she wasn't treated very nicely one time when she got pulled over. And then wrapped the segment wondering why a black tenured Harvard professor and black POTUS were whining about the plight of the Black Man.

In my disgust and changing of the channel, I reflected on this event and the Sotomayor hearings and I smiled. If Barack Obama is doing this on purpose, it is not to bring about a black revolution. The events of the past month, if anything, have drawn out the truer candor of racism across America. The more inflamed the right wing becomes, the more loose they get with everything from their tightly-wrapped bigotry to their whack-job conspiracy theories.

And I think this is only the beginning of what we are going to see in the way of how truly hateful and dark the hearts of some of those on our nation's airwaves can become.

For now, how about that beer?

Van Mural Wednesday: Bad Luke and Gary Coleman

Let's take a quick look back. Another search term and another batch of vans and - lo and behold! - another Star Wars van!



I'm not sure if I'm more sorry that I didn't find this one for the official Star Wars VMW or that I found it at all. Crooked saber, tan Luke, TAN Obi Wan in XSmall hoodie, and a strung out C3PO. The image apparently belongs to Erik's Info Base. He can keep it. This mural makes me sad.

So what can pick you up out of sadness? Cherubs!



Now I don't know who that stunted chickie on the left is, but on the right it is quite obvious that we have a scantily clad Gary Coleman. I'll let y'all figure that one out.

Name N Date: Alberto 1979

It's been a while, so here's how this works: I pick a first name and a year and do a Google Image Search (GIS for you geeks out there). Then I pick the interesting photo or photos I find and make fun of them or give them a photoshop work-over or both. Yay! Ready?

Generally anything circa 1990 or older yields some choice pics. But I was pretty disappointed by "Alberto 1979." Three damn pages went by before I was thoroughly entranced by this man's gaze:



Now I had to take an extra few minutes to find this mediocre gem (lesson learned: No more Alberto), and what better way to get revenge on an electronic file for time wasted than by wasting another hour of your time on it? Exactly. And I guess I'm kind of a dick on this one and went way too far, but here's your visual horror rebuilt:



Alberto copped quite the Coppertone glow on that nose-chin of his.

Promise: more clever next time.

On the Fucking Moon

"Digitally Enhanced" video of the moon landing. "Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket," I laughed until it hurt. Then watched it again and laughed just as hard.

Yelowjackets: This is How We Do It In Ohio

So you've got a yellowjacket nest, hrm? Looks like Ricky Shambles needs to do some schooling so ya don't hurt yerself (based on true events).



Yellowjackets are NOT bees. They are yellow and black and fly and sting, but they are wasps (sting multiple times), terribly ornery, and tend to make their nests in the ground.

When I was 8, I was standing on a railroad tie in our backyard like I'd done hundreds of times before to get some water from the spigot. Suddenly I was being stung multiple times in the legs, straight through my knee-high striped baseball socks. Screaming ensued. Then calming. Then Grandpa and Dad went to work.

Observe
My daughter found the nest, smack in the middle of the yard. Luckily for us we did not learn that day whether she shares her mother's toxic reaction to stings.

So keep back and spend some time observing. Yellowjackets sometimes have a secondary, back door to their nest. When you attack, you will want to know if that is a potential.

NOTE: If the nest is out of the way, it's up to you if you want to eliminate it. If it is near the end of summer, you may want to leave it alone either way - this is when they go batshit crazy in a last-gasp effort to gather food.

Buy Death in a Bottle
Best stuff from what I could find online is a powder that spreads. But for my money, I like the immediacy of an expanding foam - two cans please.

Wait Until Night
Yellowjackets are active during daylight hours and as the night gets cool, they hunker down and go mildly dormant. If you're lucky enough to get an evening when the temp drops below 50F, the buggers will have a hard time even flying - if they get a chance to get out.

Suit Up
It was warm, but I put on thick socks and tucked jeans into my Harley boots, tucked my thickest Guinness hoodie into the jeans, and tightened that hood. That image is yours to play with, but the electronic copy (procured by my daughter) will not be available for viewing.

Attack
I hovered for a bit, awaiting any sign of movement or activity. There was none. I was alone. I had both cans shaken and to the side. I moved quickly and decisively at the hole (about as wide as my thumb), held the nozzle close and sprayed. Within a couple seconds the foam had rapidly expanded and was coming out of the hole, but I kept steady, aimed straight. When the first can sputtered, I hit it with the second, keeping a close eye on the expanding foam bubble for any signs of a superbug of some sort making a break through the foam.

But there was nothing. No movement. Not even any buzzing when I was done. They appeared to be gone.

Set That Shit On Fire
When I was stung as a kid, it had been on a Saturday. I remember that because that night my father and grandfather hosed that nest. The next morning, after church, we stood outside and watched Dad kick over that railroad tie to reveal the nest underneath. A couple 'jackets lay dead beside it. He walked back to the garage and returned with a gas can. After a fair amount of pouring, he lit a match and we watched it burn, standing there before the small fire in our church clothes.

I joined my father in this tradition at 6am the morning after my own foamy attack. Treading carefully I quickly observed there was no movement or activity. I poured some gas down the hole and lit the emerging fumes.


(I know, it looks like JFK's Eternal Flame.)

After a few minutes and a visible spread of glowing orange below the grass that was beginning to smoke profusely, it was obvious I had been over-zealous in the application of gasoline. I batted the fire out with my broom and returned to the house, feeling proud, feeling part of a legacy, and damn ready for some breakfast.

Van Mural Wednesday: Thursday Edition

You thought I forgot. And I did until late last night.

But that makes it what time? I can't hear you!

That's right: Daïquiri Time



How can you tell that it's Daïquiri Time? The umlaut over the "i" is the first clue. The second is the seductive, lounging posture of the lady on the van. And third is the abundance of martini glasses both in the lady's hand and as a background element. Yay Daïquiri Time!


And as a bonus, here's a submission from Randal on the topic. I can't say it's a full-on van mural, but if our purpose here is to entertain, it fits the bill. If we count the level of suckitude, it even beats mine.



Thanks!

Jane Austin Gets a Solid Makeover: Zombies and Seamonsters

When I was finishing college, my English degree required a single author class. And the only thing available (unless I wanted to wait around) was Jane Austin. I read all 6 of her novels. And daily, it was like wiping all the crumbs and dirt and animal hair off the dinner table after a month of holiday parties, cleaning the grit between the leaves, and licking it all off a mildew-y paper towel that was on fire. Every day.

So I'm glad to see these two items. Enjoy them. And if you haven't read JA, don't. Ever.

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies



Sense & Sensibility & Seamonsters

Michael Jackson's Hair on Fire - Pepsi - Video Uncovered

You may be saying to yourself: "That's awful. No one wants to see that."

You're wrong. Enjoy it like I know you want to.

Gertrude Stein

After checking out Randal's Jabbering Wacky, I was reminded of a piece I put together a while back. Enjoy.


Gertrude Stein

Gertrude intrude rude Stein beer
A rose is a rose is a rose
Sounds pretty, doesn’t it?
Sounds pretty, aren’t they?
Sounds like stein. Pretty. Much. Many.
Sheds light: dark or bright?

She said her
repetition was necessity
Repetition is necessary
repetition, Mississippi
Over and over a clover Red Rover

A rose had never been so red she said
Bent red read twice after pretty
So read, so heady
Beddy ruddy ready
Not clover, but a mushroom like Alice
Told toad stool road read
Bedspreads quilt patchwork farms

A rose is read, gets pretty well, gets dead
Steins aren’t pretty, drink to death
The rap-rap-rap repetition wraps my head
Mississippi bent pretty, talk to us

“Okay, so what’s the question?” so she said
on her deathbed, what’s the question?
Red the rose? Are you ready?
Over and over heading the rose road sheds
Dead not dead is toasting is roasting
it hurts, my head.

In Short: Bush Admin Double Epic Fail

Our exalted ex-prezzy W has been long railed as a goon on many accounts, but the thread that runs through Osama bin Laden wanted "Dead or Alive" and the abject failure to do either is one of my favorites.

And today we learn that no only was Bush unable to catch Mr. 9/11 by conventional methods, but that a clandestine, super-hush-hush CIA operation aimed at assassinating Al-Qaeda leaders that was at least partially active and apparently shepherded by Uncle Grumpy Dick Cheney was also unsuccessful.

Double Epic Fail.

Freedom From Religion

Rut-roh. The Alabama Free Thought Association planted this one along I-20. And the result ...is exactly what I would expect.

Angry Christians are calling in a sanctimonious batshit outrage with messages about the FFRF and AFTA that are anything but Christian. It is unsurprising irony. I deal with black billboards purportedly with messages directly from God, others with specific religious messages, and this monstrosity along I-75 known locally as "Touchdown" or "Butter" Jesus.



They all offend me personally.

I understand that this may be the first time some of the folks down in Pell City have seen or heard of these lyrics by that dirty hippie John Lennon, but lighten the fuck up.

This is not a message for you to give up your beliefs. This is not a message for you to change your beliefs or telling your kids to worship the devil. It is a simple thought experiment. Look, if it makes you feel better: if there were no religion, there would be no Muslims either.

I believe I just heard a pressure valve puff. But the furnace is still charged, the thoughts still un-christlike, and there are angry fingers dialing even now, at the commercial break of General Hospital.

Some Parts of Some Days

Not a bad day; not by a long shot. But sometimes, maybe just an hour or two even out of a day can take this tone, and you're reminded of one of your tragically favorite poems.

Not Waving But Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.


Stevie Smith

UPDATE: Then it passes and you want to smack yourself in the back of the head for being a whiny bitch.

Just Some Stuff

That guy next to me in his Pathfinder this morning that blasted ahead of me before the merge and proceeded to drive 5 mph BELOW the speed limit: dick. The woman behind me, crowding up and gesticulating? Asshole. But then I've got a dick in front and an asshole in back every day, don't I?

---

Speaking of assholes, after stopping at the gastrointestinal doc yesterday and getting a prescription that made me blush*, I stopped to drop it off and with a crowd of pharm folks behind the desk, crossed my fingers and thought "Not-the-cute-girl-Not-the-cute-girl-Not-the-cute-girl- and when it was my turn, after three other techs walked by the counter, the cute girl looked at me and said "can I help you?" Ugh. She looked at the scrip for a second then looked at me and said "The wait's going to be about a half hour." "That's okay," I said, avoiding her gaze, "I'll pick it up tomorrow."

Today when I went it, I was pleased to see that the prescriptions now (because of HIPPA?) have the cover folded over so no one can see the name of what's in the bag. But it was the cute girl at the desk again. And she already knew.

[*Note: I can watch 2 girls, 1 cup without a shiver, but for some reason suppositories for minor hemorrhoids embarrasses me.]

---

Linguistic pet peeves, all of which I've heard this week:

asterisk pronounced ASS-ta-rix
especially pronounced ex-SPESH-a-lee
espresso pronounced ex-PRESS-o
"It's a mute point."
"I'm taking a different tact."

---

I was only lifting weights once or twice a week when they were in the basement so I moved them into my office with the logical assumption "I just don't work out that much because I'm too lazy to go to the basement." They are sitting two feet from me right now. Turns out I'm just too lazy to work out more than once or twice a week. But at least now they have my bike to keep them company and something in common to discuss.

---

The Palm Pre rocks out hard. But c'mon already with the apps, developers! Oh yeah, I'm a developer. How about an app that uses your location to find nearby bars and pubs? On the list...

---

It's 4:20. Since I no longer smoke pot it is time for a beer despite any work I have remaining. Didn't you know? That's the rule.

But I will leave you with How to Build a Lego Joint from www.pottube.com. Enjoy!

Ignorant Drunk Conservatives Crash Peaceful Mountain Party

It will make you sad and angry on multiple levels.



Thanks, Monkey, for getting this out.

XKCD - Wisdom Always

If you haven't heard me talk about XKCD, you're new or I haven't been talking about it enough. Self-described as "A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language," it's brilliant.

From a recent post:

More harm has been done by people panicked over societal decline than societal decline ever did.

Read it and love it and don't forget to mouse over the comic itself: extra tooltip humor!

Van Mural Wednesday: Star Wars Edition

I know you've been wanting. I know it's late.

You've already seen this phatty from the second post, but it's necessary once more:



But these are all gravy. Or butter. Or duck butter. Or mullets:







And for now, my fair star travelers, that is the extent of our voyage. I beg you enjoy your fare and wait. Until next time. When we again shall venture...

...into the van mural universe!

And don't forget to follow me on Twitter - I tweet all my posts, and most often something more, and most often something more offensive. Cheers!

A One-Legged Kid in an Ass-Kicking Contest

You might have heard that term. You might have laughed. But if that one-legged kid was Adam Bender, he'd be whoopin' the best of 'em. And that's all the snark you get from me on this one; he's awesome.

Matt Drudge's Numbers Are Bullshit

A BILLION THANKS FOR MAKING JUNE 2009 -- TOP JUNE IN DRUDGEREPORT'S 14 YEAR HISTORY! PAGE HIT 675,406,736 VIEWS FROM 129,922,878 VISITS... TRAFFIC ROSE 21% FOR MONTH OVER YEAR AGO [+39% OVER JUNE 2007]...

Matt Drudge is again dumping bullshit down the throats of his readers. While the site is popular (hell, even I visit it almost daily), the numbers he is reporting are NOT what they seem to be. And more people need to raise the call that he is duping everyone with his numbers.

I wrote pretty thoroughly about Drudge's fake numbers about a year and a half ago, so I won't get all that detailed. I will reiterate that the auto-reload and link loading in the same window is deliberately designed to inflate his metrics and mislead people into believing that he is getting much more traffic than he actually is.

(And much of the rise can be attributed to the increase of use of browsers with tabs that can let a page float [and reload] all day long.)

If you visit his site, get in and get out. Be informed about and not fooled by these engineered rankings.

And So I'm Back, From Outer Space - er, The Beach

Yes, your Ricky drought is over. I have returned from the East Coast (NC) and I'd like to talk about the beach.

The idea of the beach is an odd one to me. The beach is sand and ocean. The sand may be different colors in different parts of the world, but it's basically the same. The ocean is ...the ocean. It really doesn't change. It's big and humbling and will turn your shit into churned sand and wood and concrete in about five seconds in the right circumstance.

(NOTE: Granted, my entire career of web design could be turned into flailing electrons by a well-placed EMP, but I'm talking about the beach, damn it!)

There are people who love the beach. They would probably love any beach, but generally focus on one. And those people - the ones that get rich enough to afford it - purchase a house on the beach. And they name that house.

I'm not joking. I saw houses named Sea Therapy, Vitamin Sea, Ocean Hope, Sea Serai (sic), Julie's Dream, 3's a Charm, Bill's Place, What Happened?, The Office, and Everyone's Joy.

It's all very quaint.

And that's what made me sick.

I enjoy the beach. I can deal with it for an hour or two a day. But after that, I get burned by the sun and wonder what other lovely things I could be experiencing. So I read. Inside.

But what makes me ill is that I'm spending a bunch of money on a vacation that is basically...on the beach. We venture out to other places that are also on the beach but it is always a hot trap full of tourists.

And it is a solid mentality. People love it: House on the beach. Everything is about the beach. Or swimming. Or shopping at one of the 19,000 places you can see from your house that promises 5.99 purchases (in tiny words in tiny sections).

Those people who return to those places every year are the same ones who purchase homes and name them with non-witty monikers. And they laugh at trite commentaries and -- shit. Don't want to give it all away for you.

My ideal vacation is one of exploration of culture and exploration of geography and sitting in a pub and bartering at a market and killing an Arab. Sorry. That last one was a reference to a Cure song that was a reference to a Camus novel. Does that make me post-post-modern?

It's a wonder to sit on the beach that disappears at high tide. It's a wonder to be able to mellow out and think of nothing but what's on your mind. It's a wonder to be able to do any of the shit I just said.

Sometimes vacation can be beautiful, but not so much a vacation.

I'm still searching for solitude.

Van Mural Wednesday: Vacation Edition

I may be on vacation, but you still need your van murals.



The thing that guy is riding totally reminds me of a creature in Final Fantasy XII. Or maybe that's just me.

'nuff said.

This is Where it Gets Personal

If you like my funny, political, or often inappropriate posts, you should probably skip this one. Though it contains pieces of all those things, it's incredibly personal and only being shared because it's bleeding out my ears and almost no one I know in real life reads this blog and it's not time to talk to anyone here yet. I've got to say something to someone. And you win!


So here's a little story I've got to tell about three bad brothers ya know so well...

Sorry. Wrong track.


The last few weeks I've been listening to a lot of music and situational filters have made everything seem so commonplace. Love songs are rocking into categories like: Unrequited Love, Longing for Love Lost, Apologies for Love Lost, Promises to Love Forever, Love of Jesus (that one time on Seek between here and Cleveland), and Love Love Love I Can't Get Enough Love - I Would Fucking Teabag Love - Because Love Solves Everyfuckingthing in the World.

And I'm wondering where the "Love is Great But After 8 Years of Marriage We're Splitting Up and Going to Continue to Live Together For a Few Months in a Limbo to Clear Off the Debt and Make it All Truly Amicable" category is.


Sorry. Just threw up in my mouth a little. I'm fine.


The wonderful lady you've sometimes heard referred to as Mrs. Shambles and I will be splitting at some point in the near future. We met 10 years ago, married 8 years ago with what was technically my step-daughter who was 6 when we wed (bio-dad was never in the picture, so I've been Dad since she started calling me that around the engagement).

When we met, we were both on the fence about having kids. Through the following years, our thoughts on the topic veered to the breaking point, where we are now: I'm happy with one daughter and do not want to have any children; she's not done being a mom and wants more kids. If I change my mind, she wouldn't trust it (happened once before that I acquiesced then reneged when I realized I was just trying to make her happy), and I wouldn't trust myself. If she changed hers, we'd both know it wasn't true to how she feels. If we stay together, either way, resentment ensues. And neither one of us can live that way.

The weird thing is that there is no anger but almost relief that there doesn't have to be any anger. The other weird thing is that there's no immediacy about it; we have to spend a few more months paying off debt - then figuring out selling the house - so we can make it as clean as possible. Not that that makes it even easier; hell, if anything: harder.

A breakup you know was coming, then one day it does. Suddenly every song is about your relationship, you relate this to past relationships, wonder what's wrong with you, see something while driving or hear something random and you're weeping uncontrollably. And then you go home to the spouse you'll be leaving.

I guess there's no real rules for this, no appropriate/inappropriate actions about it. It is what it is. And that we can be mature about it will be better for Irish Dancer. Thank God she's away at camp this week so we can hash it out a little more, confirm this is the definite decision before we'd sit her down.

But either way it sucks. There is no happy about it. There is no good about it. Maybe appropriate, but that's all you get. We'll do our best, but it's going to affect a 14-year old girl starting to solidify her opinions about life and relationships. And that, too, is sad.


As for me, I'm "fine." I can make it through most of the day focusing on work, break down once or twice when it hits me from a certain direction (like now, writing about it - note to self: retard!), and I haven't become a raging alcoholic over it. If anything, I'm exercising a little more. No, sorry, that's a lie. I haven't worked out in over 2 weeks.

For as much as I knew this time was coming - and even mentally hastened it after arguments about babies - I guess I'm holding it together a little better than I thought I would. And now I see pregnant women and babies and strollers every damn place I look. But I guess that's normal too.


Just so you know, I won't be updating this saga every day or month or anything. I'll probably make some sort of mention when it's all over, but venting and whining isn't really me when it comes to personal stuff on this blog; there are too many morons in politics and to many idiots in this world I need to post about. So I'm always happy about comments, but if you really want to interact about the subject, my email's available in by blog profile. I just wanted to let you know why you may not be seeing as much of me.


Wish me luck I guess. I want this to live up to our expectations of being completely adult and professional and etc., but when we're dealing with 10 years of memories and a 14 year old girl and the families (who - god knows when we'll tell them) and me who cried at the end of Short Circuit 2, that's a long, thin pole to balance over a sea of potential tumult.

I'll do the best I can.

Thanks for listening. I mean reading. You know.


Now quit'cha cryin' and watch that video below or look up "2 girls, 1 cup" or something.

Hello, I Must Be Going - Vacation to July 6th

Now don't get all weepy on me. I know, I know. It'll be hard for a while. But you'll get over it. C'mon, you won't even know I'm gone. You'll ease into it and just when you're feeling okay about my absence... Then BAM-motherfucker I'm all back up in your face with geek shit and van murals and political snark. Shazam!

Have a good one and I'll be writing at you soon.

Weird Email

amq xwxe lhxgas mkkwvo qhok
(Aksel Chavez to me)

mqv wxe positlhxion
ashmkthe wvorpart
you hok by mwl
youvjfayme yrefrom toyptart.
Illbedojll beahefore ohl.
bejzk pounceamqvpony.
thiswxeceremony
lhx filashmklsmy wvor.
a punhokch toy vomwllunteer kvjfaynee.
is yrealu waoypnt tohdojllear
aahend aohlyou wjzksee.

It is not spam, at least not in the sense of trying to trick me into opening it or buying something or even clicking to a spammy site.

Message from the aliens? Secret cryptic from a spy? What do you make of it?

Rush's Talent for Twisting the Truth: Hypocrisy is GOOD!

Today I was in the car for 15 minutes. And in those 15 minutes I heard Rush Limbaugh push the foulest of verbal buffalo diarrhea out his maw.

Rush was discussing South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and the fact that his affair was an act of hypocrisy - according to the Democrats.

But Rush declared that hypocrisy in and of itself is actually a good thing. Why is hypocrisy a good thing? Because by definition it proves that morality still exists! And therefore (it was implied), Gov. Mark Sanford was actually doing a great service to our country. Unlike those evil, godless Democrats who exercise moral relativism.

Hold on a second - this requires a sidenote:

Moral Relativism is a broad term 90% of Rush's audience wouldn't comprehend. It basically means: depending on the circumstances [i.e., subjectivity], the same action can have different moral implications. Rush's implication is that there is an objective morality, which would be fine if there were. The use of the phrase is to elicit a fat response on the general liberal dichotomy of "killing is bad" and the right for a woman to choose whether or not she has a child. Unfortunately, on our side, the "beginning of life" is not religion-bound. Also unfortunately, the right wing says that killing for war and killing for self-defense is okay. So if their definition of ending a life is dependent on circumstance, that falls directly into the definition of moral relativism. Red herring.

Rush is brilliant but he chooses to use his powers for evil, to distort reality, to make Democrats and liberals seem like a moral disaster while Republicans and conservatives deal with the same dichotomies every day.

Allow me to return to the main topic at hand: the Governor of South Carolina disappeared for seven days, let no one know where he was (at least as what is admitted publicly), and flew to a foreign country to shack up with his lady-friend. Forget the infidelity issue, forget the foreign-soil fuck-fest. This is a State (and potentially National) Security issue. If anything happened in SC while he was gone, anything serious, it would have been a bureaucratic disaster.

The issue, Rush, is not about hypocrisy. It is about one of your fav topics: national security. So where is that rant?

This post is not to say that right-wing radio is being biased. It is that right-wing radio is doing harm.

And yet I would fight - every day of the week - against any "equal time" legislation. If you can hear the filth of morons on a daily basis, wouldn't you want their rants and ideologies out there for the pickins?

Let me know your thoughts.

Van Mural Wednesday: Spaceman Wins!

I love it when the spaceman wins!

For the record, there is an absurd abundance of Star Wars van art. I know I have already posted one such example, but this might require a special edition that I will compose for next week.

FYI, I'm #1 and #2 for bad van mural on Google. WTF? FTW!

Wednesday Round-up (UPDATED)

Not a regular feature (or is it?). Just Wednesday.

Obama Still Smokin'

President Obama still has the occasional cigarette. Hey, me too. All the Repubs are still using the messianic language as a mockery. I think this flaw in particular makes him more human. Though I'm still pissed about the FDA legislation.


Jon & Kate Split

Yes, I watched the episode. In the above link, Kate says "It feels like I failed." Good, dear. You did. When they announced it, I all but jumped up off the couch and cheered that Jon was distancing himself from that poison energy and giving himself a chance to find out who he was again.


Sleepy Tattoo Face



If you missed the story, the above chicky came home with 56 stars tattooed on her face, her pops flipped his shit and she told him she only asked for 3 stars and fell asleep and woke up with 56. Oh Noes! International media coverage ensues. She sticks and sticks and this week finally confesses she asked for 56 stars and changed her story when daddy got angry. I believe everyone already knew that.

But it didn't help that the tattoo artist looks like this:



I'm not even kidding.


Where in the World is S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford?

As of right now, he's back in good ol' SC. Two days ago, when he'd been missing for 5 days and completely incommunicado, the staff said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. That is, the trail he didn't want stimulus money to fix and a hike that corresponded with National Hike Naked day, all over Father's Day Weekend.

Then today he returned ...from Argentina. Ooh, of course. Buenos Aries, that all-popular last-minute destination of so many disappearing politicians. I'm guessing 1) we have not heard the last of this story and 2) Marky Mark isn't going to be running for Prez in '12.

UPDATE: Marky Mark has admitted to an affair, revealing he went to Argentina with a lady that was not his wife. Sur-prize, sur-prize!


Internationally...

It appears Iranian citizens are still protesting pretty strongly despite the crackdown and violence against them. N. Korea is getting feisty and wingin' threats at the Good ol' US of A. Keep an eye on these two. We might be in store for some serious shit before the 4th of July holiday weekend (and pay SPECIAL attention then - that's when politicians get hinky because they think you're not paying attention)


Armani is Suddenly Stupid



Okay, okay, be on your way now. Nothing else to see here. Except a van mural. But that's after lunch.

Yes, Another Video: Cleveland Burb Pro-Star Lucky Shot

Jizz In My Pants

Today's just the video day, I guess. Totally random, guys. We can call it Video Monday or Movie Monday or something like that if it makes you feel good about putting this blog into a box but just know that I'm unique and that's what makes me different and you can't put me into a box - I don't even have a box, man! Oh, el-oh-el. Whatevs.

Sorry. Channeling some hybridization of my alternateen days with that of my daughter's beginning revolt. Weird.

But this video isn't weird. It's hilarious. From The Lonely Island's debut album "INCREDIBAD," I give you "Jizz in My Pants."

Read a Book - Bomani Armah

I heard this artist/song on the French station Sirius 87 Bandeapart. That is because American radio sucks a left nut unless you want to lick on Hanna Montana. Trust me; it is in English and it is brilliant.

It begins: "Read a book, read a book, read a motherfuckin' book..."
(semi-racy animation with rap-level cussin')



Bomani's official site is www.notarapper.com

I will be spending tomorrow's "not work" time getting to know him better.

JibJab and Barack Obama

All love for JibJab. They've still got it.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Spaceport America: Are We That Cool?

This is Spaceport America:



Are we ready for this?

Are we ready for landings?

YouTube Funny on Friday: That Bad Tattoo

This guy nails it, but, damn, who the fuck falls asleep during a tattoo?

Answer: NO ONE.



Except a whiny girl who "wanted to be different" and was transformed into "WTF" by showing that art to her father and boyfriend.

Like my t-shirt: Tool. Not the band, I'm just a tool.

Yoda as well: Do or do not; there is no try.

Quickie: Iran and Conspiracy

So Israel's had their panties in a jam to bomb the hell out of Iran for a while now. And then Iran has to go and get all election-y and potentially be "not so bad" in the near future. So Israel and probably the CIA or NSA quietly digs their claws into Iran, undermines the election so that everyone's favorite devil - Ahmadinejad - is solidly in place and all is well and good and back to par. The status quo remains and Israel's bombs can fall.

Not sure how N. Korea's shenanigans are going to factor into that, but it can't be good.

Spooky: Good, Clean (Republican Racist) Humor

Oops! Republican staffer sent this to a non-racist!

See C&L for the whole story.

Smokers Should Go Fuck Themselves

[I am a smoker - run through a pack in about a week, in a night if I'm drinking heavily.]

Humana, here in Cincinnati and elsewhere, is saying NO to hiring smokers.

Obviously, over the course of time, some smokers take advantage of their smoke breaks, some smokers rack up sick days and some of those days have to do with smoking.

But as the comments - and my own opinion - suggest, people who are overweight log more sick days too. I guess we need to not hire fat people. And people with kids use their sick days to stay home with their kids when their two-working-parent home would otherwise be vacated. We should probably not hire people with kids either.

I understand the logic, but am terrified at the slippery slope we are working at.

How do we resolve these ideas? How do I resolve them in my own head?

Where's the Crack? ...or Just Twitter Maintenance

Twitter is down right now. And I can't even tweet about how Twitter is down and how that sucks. What do I do? I'll blog about how Twitter is down and I can't tweet about how it's down. I'd tell you to follow me on Twitter, but you couldn't right now.

And the void swirls, I am left without balance.

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold" - Yeats.

Invisible Rope Prank

Another video to belay the thought process involved in writing about health care and smokers' rights.


EMBED-Invisible Rope Prank II - Watch more free videos
(h/t Manolith)

Ass Kicking Machine

24

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Sites

(h/t Calvin for the link!)

Captain Picard Day

Someone over at the Something Awful Forums declared today, June 16th as Captain Picard Day, referencing this video.

A link to The Captain Picard Song also emerged and reminded me that it is required viewing. Enjoy!



And have a happy Captain Picard Day!

This is Really Happening

Radiohead. Idioteque.

We're not scare mongering
This is really happening
Happening
We're not scare mongering
This is really happening
Happening
Mobiles quirking
Mobiles chirping
Take the money and run
Take the money and run
Take the money

Any questions?

On That Chicago Chick WITHOUT a Dead Baby

So a woman in Chicago started a blog about her pregnancy. The baby had a terminal illness and to die quickly after birth. But she would still have the baby. And anti-abortion nutters went gaga. Juicy fucking emotive gaga.

And then she published a picture of her and the newborn and concluded the story saying that the child had died. At least one of her readers owned the same creepy, lifelike newborn doll (surprise!), and called out shenanigans. And then it unraveled. You can read April Rose Mom Beccah Beushausen's apology, which is all that is left of the blog, here.

Beccah says she actually did lose a child in 2005 and that this was her finding that voice, a way to deal with that loss. But that's not the interesting part.

The right wing, anti-abortion zealots who had found a poster child, a patsy, an exemplar of their beliefs, are outrageously pissed. She betrayed their trust, made a mockery of their convictions, blah blah blah. And from what I've read, the left wing, surprisingly, is not soaking in the schadenfreude, but bitching their own sanctimonious bullshit about how awful it was to get the right wing, anti-abortion zealots all worked up over a false prophet. [NOTE: I'm guessing the glurge from the left is only emerging now because, like me, most of us only heard about this once the hoax became public and if we'd heard about the blog before we wouldn't have given it 5 seconds of our time.]

To both sides: stop your fucking whining.

To the right: You're the same mess that goes into depression in week 10 of Survivor because after the merge, the cute guy from Boston wasn't the tried-n-true person you thought he was. You got suckered. Get the hell over it. If you spend that much time on the internet and don't know that you're probably reading or viewing something that's potentially not true dozens of times a day, you deserve the emotional punch. It's the internet! Someone started a blog and started a story, played a role. There are no guarantees that anything is real. Hell, my name's not really Ricky Shambles! Gasp! And instead of doing something for real about your beliefs, you hung your hat on baby April, your sacrificial lamb. That's right; Beccah was just the vessel, and the fact that the vessel would allow that child to come into the world and potentially suffer a great deal before quickly dying rang a bell in some sick, sad part of you, justified that anti-abortion-under-any-circumstance bit that you're irrationally and desperately holding on to.

And then none of it was real. And your beliefs are hanging nowhere. And in a completely viable act of mob-rule ego-protection, you exhibit anger and flap the naive flag that all is not what it seems on the internets. Stop. You're compounding your foolishness.

To the left: Anything you say right now about being angry at Beccah is muddying the very clear whine of a million outraged suckers. Stop.

Keyboard cat, play the fools out...