Gingrich on Drudge?

Today I took my painful peek at Drudge's site and saw - prominently - something that read "Obama plays golf with hooker-solicitor." Awesome.

And I thought to myself: what would happen if Drudge actually had a site that talked realistically about conservatives?

Here's my answer, your little peek into an alternate universe:

Perry's Pounce Commercial

Rick Perry might just be the most awesomely-misguided candidate when it comes to his marketing department. Here's his latest video which I refer to as "Pounce."



So I was able to do this:

Perry Push-Up!



Perry Ninja!



Enjoy your evening.

Bad Lip Reading: Newt Gingrich

"NEWT GINGRICH" — a Bad Lip Reading Soundbite - watch more funny videos

Cafe Press: That's No Moon

So I opened a CafePress account finally because I'm fun and create some cool images that people might like on shirts and stuff.

This was actually brought on by finding an image online in reference to a story about Earth's moon. The appropriate response to any reference to the moon is the Obi-Wan quote from Episode IV: "That's no moon."



So I stumbled upon a mediocre Photoshop of René Magritte's "Ceci n'est pas une pipe"



But the 'shop was all wrong: the top of the Death Star was cut off and - *gasp* - it used an image of the Death-Star-in-construction, which only existed AFTER it was destroyed, which was after Episode IV. So I did this:



And now you can buy that on a t-shirt.

(CafePress killed it on an undisclosed copyright thing.)

Yay nerds!

Racist Spelling Bee?

2 years old, but still good.

Mark Simone is a Lying Idiot

In my daily adventures traveling the dark and terrifying highways of the AM band, I'm bound to run into monsters. Many have been demystified; most I've encountered before. But while quietly observing these beasts I may see some new depravity, like a wild creature eating its own feces.

Thus was today's experience with this guy:



Mark Simone's got a gig on WABC in NY but today was subbing for Sean Hannity. The topic turned to Ron Paul because Ron Paul showed up on Leno and said Michele Bachmann doesn't like Muslims. You can see it here:



Oh, the humanity!

(Sidenote: Michele Bachmann, back in '05, in reference to Muslims in France, stated "Not all cultures are equal. Not all values are equal.")

But we're getting off topic. So we're back on Ron Paul and Mark Simone is jerking the Paul-supporting callers back and forth, putting words in their mouth, extrapolating opinions, generalizing, and changing the subject - for which all right wing nut radio hosts must have a book.

During one call, in order to discredit a caller, Mark said Ron Paul goes nutty, says crazy things, implies you'd have to be nutty to support him. The caller disagreed. Mark Simone then stated (paraphrase):

Ron Paul said that we were to blame for 9/11. Do you believe that? No patriot would back Ron Paul.

Not 3 minutes later, Mark received a call from an active duty member of our military who mis-attributed "No patriot would back Ron Paul" to the previous caller and said that was an awful thing to say.

Mark responded by saying (paraphrase):

I don't know, I didn't hear him say that; that would be a wrong thing to say.

Thus, Mark Simone is a lying idiot.

This is a prime example of the psychological back-talk and denial of reality that has gripped conservative radio for so long. It's obvious; it always is to thinking people. Unfortunately, most listeners are not thinking people.

I Didn't Know Iowa was so French

Iowa state flag

I Can Has Boehner Tumblr?

I'm not one to brag, but I started a Tumblr.

Boehner Has A Sad

I promise more sad quotes, pics, and videos based entirely on Boehner.

I love Ohio.

Boehner Blue n Buzzed

I see you!

Seriously, I need to start a Tubmlr on Boehner pics.

S. 1867: End of America

I wrote my senators today because S. 1867 is going up for a vote very, very soon.

There are only four things you need to know about S. 1867 (PPJ Gazette):

(1) Explicitly authorize the federal government to indefinitely imprison without charge or trial American citizens and others picked up inside and outside the United States;

(2) Mandate military detention of some civilians who would otherwise be outside of military control, including civilians picked up within the United States itself; and

(3) Transfer to the Department of Defense core prosecutorial, investigative, law enforcement, penal, and custodial authority and responsibility now held by the Department of Justice.

(4) John McCain is pissing his pants to pass this thing.

You won't find me getting all teary-eyed patriotic over America all that often, but this is truly affecting me. This legislation is turning the Constitution into toilet paper and our country into a potential police state. Every hear about some journalist or dissident locked up for months or years overseas and think "Holy shit, that place sucks balls." Well, that's what America is about to become.

Contact your Senators. NOW.

N00b Love, Long Overdue

As I slouch towards the Babylon Bethlehem of 1500 posts and 6 full years doing this, I realized yesterday that I'm up to 75 followers! W00t!

[EDIT: I was attempting to quote Yeats "The Second Coming"

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

]

Because it's been so long, some of the shout-outs are people who have been following me for a bit, so not all n00bs, but damnit - recognition is due!


(for purposes of this post, everyone after Jan 2011 is a n00b)

I see Massey
and Kyna at Crystal Coast Gardener
and Zev at Swords Into Plows
and Karla Marx.
Ooh, there's GEORGEPER
and CramCake at Finding Meaning in the Everyday.
Why it's Cake Betch at The Hot Mess Chronicles
and Goofy Girl at There is Grandeur...
and Courtney
and Mikeb302000.
I spy Jang chub Ozer at Mocksure (and others)
and Mike Spicer
and jane j Chiccoreal.
Hello Kris Bunda!


Link juice to you all through my post and Linktastica Magic Box! blogroll.


...I'd still like to have a Superman day...

Gov. Kasich: "I don't read"

Just kidding. That was taken out of context. He doesn't read newspapers in the state of Ohio. The state of which he has been elected Governor. I guess that's why he doesn't understand the constituents in his own state. Oh, so it's not a right wing conspiracy to decimate the Democratic voting base via disenfranchisement; he just doesn't know any better. Silly.

Watch it here:


(via ThinkProgress)

Hannity's Conservative Tomfoolery

Sean Hannity is choosing ideology over Democracy. Is that the right message?

If anyone submits themselves to the torture of listening to Sean Hannity's radio show as I do on a regular basis, you might be aware of his insistent retort any time someone "mistakenly" refers to him as a Republican. It goes a little something like this:

I'm not a Republican. I am a registered Conservative.

Aww, isn't that so ...maverick of him?

One of the other things Mr. Hannity insists on is that - right now - he's still not backing a single horse in the race; he's holding out to see where it goes. This is, as one might recognize, a total cop-out to make sure he's both not looking stupid and following the Fox playbook.

What no one seems to mention, though, is that it doesn't matter which Republican he decides to back, he cannot vote for them.

Sean Hannity, if he tells the truth, is registered with the Conservative Party USA dedicated to "true" conservative values, ending corruption, and a bunch of other things no politician will ever go for. And it's great for upping some Tea Party cred. But there are NO candidates running in the Conservative Party.

So Sean Hannity, registered in the Conservative Party, will, like someone who is a registered Independent, be unable to vote in the Republican or Democratic primaries; he will be unable to back his "support" with an actual vote.

What kind of message does that send?


(crossposted at All Things Democrat)

The Language of the Right: New English

Sure, it's been going on forever - language gets twisted and changed in ways that strike a nerve ("hot dogs") or are just laughable ("freedom fries"). I'll use Mario Piperni's delicious graphic as a reference:



It's funny, but allow me to enlighten the language some for those who don't listen to right wing radio. It's not called "crony capitalism" when republicans do it, obviously (last week I hear an "I've never heard" outcry from Hannity about Congressional insider trading with specifically Democratic references), but there's a new language from the Ay-Am band radio hosts making its terribly un-funny debut: Crony Socialism.

The Solyndra issue might be pushed through the crony mold, but it has nothing to do with socialism. At all.

Take note, now and forever: the language they use has effects - and sometimes it even sticks.

Boehner Has a Sad. Again.

Today John Boehner looked like this honoring Neil Armstrong. I guess someone woke up to scrambled eggs and Merlot this morning.

(from Politico)

Person of Interest

Have any of you been watching the new show Person of Interest where Benjamin Linus from Lost carries a limp and directs Jesus from Passion of the Christ who's an off-the-grid ex-mil man o' mystery towards people matched to Social Security numbers spit out by a super-AI computer program tied into the surveillance grid of all of New York? As weird as what I just wrote sounds, it's pretty damn good; serious A-Team vibe. You should check it out.

But today I'm not here to knock around teevee reviews. I'm here to be silly.

You may recall the 15 minutes of Rebecca Black when that horrid production shop video called Friday came out (if you haven't seen it, please do). Then everyone felt bad because the internet totally hated her because she was so easy to hate on, and she came back with a 5-minute extension of fame, My Moment and holy cookie crisps that sucked too.

We all thought it was over, but somehow she thinks she's doing well -- maybe? And today she released Person of Interest. As you can imagine, not so good.

So you're probably getting where this is going now. I present my remix of the Person of Interest (show) intro with a new, inappropriately TeenNick vibe.

Family Circus, The Other Family

Bill Keane has died.

So what better way to remember than to read one of the greatest parodies of him?



This is The Other Family, and there are about 2 hours of hilarity alt-titling Bill Keane comics. Language NSFW, and if you're easily offended, please avoid.

Enjoy.

Hannity Hypocrisy Cain Sources AAAHHHH!

Today I got a few minutes in the car with my good friend on the AM band, Sean Hannity. And as I've learned in the past few months, with the level of batshit crazy floating out there, a few minutes is enough. To make my head explode.

Can We Discuss the Ladies!?

Just late last week, Sean Hannity was decrying the claims of sexual harassment against Herman Cain, saying that it was categorically false and using it as a Standing Ovation to Conservative Values. Why? Did you see how Liberals attacked those ladies in the Clinton scandal? What OUTRAGE! Liberals are the anti-feminists, of course!

Today? (and I paraphrase) "And so now we've got these women and it looks like this latest one has a troubled history, looks like she's been often switching jobs. I'm not saying that this means anything, I'm just putting these women up to the level of scrutiny that liberals put the Clinton women up to. So what does it really mean she's switching jobs?"

*facepalm*

Out-Sourcing?

So just before I was listening to this drivel from Sean, I was catching up on Gawker posts and saw this one with a lovely clip from The Daily Show exemplifying the foolishness that occurs when the robo-dolls at Fox & Friends attempt to think. Click for the clip, but they decry the validity of the original complaints against Cain because of the anonymous source - followed immediately by an anonymous source backing Cain.

So then I hear Sean saying (and I paraphrase) "So CNN is now saying that the anonymous source is being backed by an anonymous source, her friend. This is reporting nowadays. Anonymous sources? What kind of schleppy news organization calls this journalism?"

Yours, Sean. Yours.


And then my head popped. But then it came back together when I got to vote down Issue 2 this evening. w00t! Suck it Kasich!

Ohio Issues and "All Things Democrat"

Some of you may recall when I wrote on occasion for a blogging outfit called All Things Democrat? No? Well stop on over there. I've been picked up again and will be doing something once a week. This week? Ohio's ballot Issues that'll be showing up tomorrow.

The gist:
Issue 1: Extends max age for judges which will result in a lopsided Republican majority all the way up Ohio's judicial ladder.
Issue 2: Kasich's union-busting bullshittery that will harm all public employees (except Kasich).
Issue 3: Kasich's Anti-Obamacare legislation, cleverly worded to include "preserve freedom" in the language.

Check out more of the outrageous detail over at ATD, and if you live in Ohio, remember: Vote 1, 2, 3, NO.

The Racism Race & Herman Cain

For the last 3 years, the conservative/Republican/Tea Party right has been working diligently to frame Barack Obama as non-Christian (Muslim), non-American (African), not-too-American (Exotic Hawaiian), nuanced (gay?), Capitalism-killing (Communist) America-hater (terrorist). The brush is broad and thick with the paint of the entity that is "the other," a well known psychological and linguistic methodology to indirectly (and incessantly) show that a person or group is "not like you." And with only an occasional slip-up, they haven't driven directly into the "he's black" otherness. But that doesn't mean it's not there. C'mon. I guess solidly half of all criticism of President Obama is an indirect attack that we have an uppity negro in the White House.

But along with all the innuendo and linguistic manipulation, the right has been vehement in one relatively-united message: it's not about race; it's about policy or past or ...not race. Stop saying it's about race. Why would it be about race? God, so NOT race already. Okay. Done. GTFO.

This is three years of constant attacks from all sides for the president orchestrated by hundreds of politicians and pundits and parroted by a plethora of hunt-n-peck bloggers (mmm...alliteration). All the while even the racist-tinged verbal diarrhea gets the notsoracist wash.


Then, two days ago, one single report from the Politico raised the fact that Herman Cain was accused of harassment at one point in his past.

(Subsequently, it was revealed there were two issues of settlements and now a third woman has come forward.)

And ALL HELL breaks loose! Why? Because a strong black man who can represent conservative values and family values can't exist because of the hypocritical left and liberal bias and they will tear him down as an Uncle Tom. Why? RACISM! (Note implied significance: Obama is "other" in that he is not strong and stands for NO American values. Also probably not black enough.)

It's not about his complete lack of political experience, his inability to navigate DC, his being a shitty CEO of Godfather's, his intenable 999 plan, his lack of campaign credibility with lack of infrastructure, his ignorance of foreign policy, the drunk smoker guy, the weird Yellow Flowers cowboy ad, his shady ties, or the man's creepy smile. It has nothing to do with a viable "hey, this has been a problem with a recent president" research into the past of a supposed sexual harassment complaint. It's racism!

Even Sean Hannity on his radio show wants to have a serious conversation about race now and all the negative things people are saying about black Republicans (read: Herman Cain and one other dude) and I caught Sean today in that serious, focused discussion yelling at an African-American caller who said he didn't necessarily think all the quotes he heard were offensive. Hannity replied (paraphrase) "You don't find that offensive? You think it's okay to say "bad apple?" That's not offensive? Oreo?"

So the reference to "bad apple" was Harry Bellefonte calling Herman Cain that. Racist? Meh. And the "Oreo" comment? Well, that was a couple people from the Congressional Black Caucus referring to Cain and Allen West as such (black on the outside, white to the core).

Wait, though, I seem to remember another direct reference to skin color and a cookie that might fit in here:

Well, it — what it’s going to be here, it’s actually a biracial cookie. You’ve got three of the chocolate wafers, and then you’ve got the white vanilla cream — the cream — and then there’s a chocolate cream. So you’ve got, you’ve got three — the stuff, the thing that says Oreo on it, the wafer.

In the midst of all this talk of obesity. And, I mean, every time Michelle Obama goes out there and talks about healthful eating, the food industry responds with, "Oh, yeah? Take this." And Kraft comes up with the Or-Bam-eo, the triple double-dipper.

- Rush Limbaugh

Now, I know, I know, that's not admissible because it was a conservative - a figurative colleague of Sean's of all things - who said that.

Ooh, I know. Wasn't there that whole "Barack the Magic Negro" song controversy? Oh, sorry. Rush was running that one too.

What about "Our blacks are better than their blacks?" Damn. Ann Coulter.


So, Sean, I guess the message is that if you want to actually have a serious discussion about race and politics, cherry-picking the few somewhat-ambiguous things tossed at Herman Cain and Allen West isn't going to cut it. Ignoring the sheer volumes of overt racist antics that have been hurled at our president would be hurdle #1.

You see, we, the liberals - the other - have a pretty good nose for bullshit, and when you stop making diarrhea come out of our speakers we might actually listen.


UPDATE: Holy Snooki, Cain's smoking campaign manager is calling out the Perry campaign for the leaks which makes this even weirder.

Drunk Rick Perry Just Lost the Primary

Every second is worth it. Addressing folks in NH:



Gets kickin' at about 2:00, and escalates horribly from there.

Pass it around.

via Gawker

Personal: Homeland Security Laws Suck

Main Point: Under Homeland security law, if your passport will expire in less than 90 days, you will NOT be allowed to travel internationally.

This afternoon, I drove Mrs. Shambles to the airport so she could go to France to visit her good friend's mother who was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. After viewing her passport, they said "Sorry, we can't let you on the plane." Her passport will expire in 82 days.

I went back to pick her up.

Through much phone calling and double-checking we found out that it is a law under Homeland Security: If your passport will expire within 90 days, you will not be allowed to travel internationally. France says: no problem; your passport is valid. Belgium agrees.

But how does anyone know that? Do they post an alert when you buy your ticket? NO. Is there a common understanding that something you pay the government to license you for for 10 years is NOT honored for the last 90 days of that license? NO. Passports are good for 10 years, so when this law was enacted, were all passport holders who would be affected by this law alerted to this new policy? NO.

So WTF? Isn't Homeland Security's plan of "security" to keep dangerous people out? How the hell does it keep our country safer by making my wife - trying to visit a dear, ill friend - inside the USA?

Dear Washington: This is case in point of why Americans don't trust bullshit laws and Washington, D.C. in general. You create a law and don't tell anyone and don't back it with anything but a wall - the airlines don't prevent you from purchasing a ticket or ask you for your passport expiration or even have a pop-up warning that this is a LAW.

I'd guess that it actually ended up as a rider to boost revenue by 90 days.

I want a check for a 90 day pro-rate. Assholes.

In Short: Conservative Conspiracies

In case you missed it:

College!
Barack Obama is now a dictator doing whatever he wants whenever he wants because he's upping the timetable for the aid to college kids - which is just a left wing ploy to socialize education, favor the elitist schools like Harvard, indoctrinate everyone into a humanities or social work degree and leave taxpayers with the bill. This will, of course, cause every college in the country to charge $50,000 per year. (Brian Thomas, WKRC, this morning)

Islam
We're going in and taking out leaders of Muslim nations like Hussein and Gaddafi and you know what the people are doing? Replacing them with Muslim people and instituting laws in line with their Muslim beliefs! Lybia's now in the throes of anarchy and Sharia and they're terrorists and there are 30,000 missing missiles and nuclear weapons up for grab. Islam IS terrorism; Muslims ARE terrorists. (David Horowitz, Sean Hannity Radio Show, yesterday)


Poking fun at Perry, chiding Fox news? That's peanuts. Above is the kind of serious right wing batshit crazy ignorance that's going out there every single day and being fully absorbed by the mindless myrmidons before the parroting ensues. I saw that Thomas drivel about college posted by someone I know on Facebook not two hours after it was spouted. And it had likes.

I listen so you don't have to. Happy Thursday.

Herman Cain: 9 Craziest Things He's Said

This is going to be a long primary season.

via ThinkProgress

NSFW Video - Duck Sauce: The Big Bad Wolf

I know you're going to watch it at least twice.

via i09

Columbus AM Radio Facepalm: Chuck Douglas

Almost forgot about this brief gem.

Last Sunday I was floating through Columbus on my way back to Cincinnati and, being the auditory masochist, was cruising the AM dial. Granted, on a Sunday it's much more nutritional supplements, computer shows, gun shows, etc. and not so much in the way of politics. But I got lucky: I found Chuck Douglas on 610 AM.

Chuck was talking about how the GOP re-drew the congressional lines - as happens every decade - for Ohio, the Democratic Party said "Woah, that's some crazy Spirograph shit!" and is challenging it by collecting signatures to put it to a referendum on the 2012 ballot. And he was very right on one count: it happens every time that the party in power takes advantage and shoehorns their map into law. Going referendum is a little stupid in this count since people will be running for districts that might be vastly different or not even exist after the election.

Of course, he immediately took the right-wing tack by picking whatever fit anti-Democrat purposes: what good is passing legislation if you're just going to turn around and take it to the people? Hrm? I'm pretty sure I've heard a multitude of cries of "shoved down our throat" and "put it to a vote" and "take it to the people" when it came to Obamacare. Of course, this is Republican-controlled Ohio circling the toilet, so the song is whatever it needs to be.

And then something stranger happened: Chuck vilified someone he heard on TV who mispronounced this practice because that person mispronounced and called it "gerrymanding" instead of gerrymandering. Three minutes later THE topic was gerrymandering and it happens every ten years and "there's a word for it because ...it happens on a regular basis." Fifteen minutes later, Chuck had repeated the "word for it" bit of wisdom twice without offering the slightest iota of definition or historical reference. It was obvious he really had no idea.

Quick lesson, Chuck:



Gerrymandering was first used in reference to this comic in the Boston Gazette newspaper on March 26, 1812 (it was also in every kid's Jr. High civics book). The caricature was demonstrating how Massachusetts legislature was drawing a district to favor then Gov. Elbridge Gerry and minimize the impact of the Federalists. As some thought the district looked like a salamander, the combination of Gerry and salamander gave birth to the term that still vibrantly lives today.

So now we all know what gerrymandering is and why it's called that. Yay! Secondary lesson: If you're going to be yappin' yer yaw about something, take a few minutes to pick up the basics.

Conservative Take, OWS: I Know You Want to Throw Up All Over Yourself

Or drive yourself to drink to blackout.

Then why not read the post on Conservapedia about OWS?

Leftist protest Occupy Wall Street is an ongoing anti-capitalism rally, with beginnings as an astroturfing campaign funded by a George Soros group called Adbusters; invoked by Bill Ayers "Days of Rage," the first Occupy protest was staged on September 17, 2011 in New York City after months of planning by co-founder of SEIU Stephen Lerner.[1][2][3] Occupy Wall Street protesters consist of radicals, anarchists, nihilists, college students, hippies, special interest groups, labor unions and vendors. They dislike capitalism, blame greed, Wall Street and the banks for economic hardship, and have been seen spitting on U.S. Military personnel.[4] Similar 'Occupy' demonstrations have spread to a dozen cities, and has caused thousands of arrests across the United States.
The Occupy Wall Street movement was inspired by the Arab Spring protests in Cairo that were organized by the Muslim Brotherhood.[5][6] Egyptians camped out in Tahir Square until Hosni Mubarak resigned.

Oh, it gets better. But I'm just here to give you the tools, not make you poke out your eyes and drink bleach because of the message. Happy hump day!

Mitt Romney - Bad Lip Reading Joy!

You peed yourself over Rick Perry, so here's some Romney from BLR. Enjoy!

Marijuana Majority

Who thinks the legalization of marijuana is okay? Most of Americans.



Giddyup! Oh, I mean Gallup.

Maybe it's time to get government out of our lives. What was that, Republicans? You don't like marijuana or hippies and need to save about half of Americans from ...themselves? Because you know better? Maybe like a Nanny would?

Well-played, control machine. Well-played. I have some alcohol to drink now.

Ohio's Issue 3: So Hard to Say NO

Ohio's Issue 2 on November's ballot is relatively straightforward. The Kasich administration is trying to kill unions, collective bargaining and anything that has to do with the Democratic base; and as opposed to Wisconsin, this includes police and fire. They tried to do this with SB5. After gathering many times over the required signatures, it turned into a referendum, Issue 2.

There is some confusion on whether you are voting yes on repealing or voting no on the bill (that is intentional), so here's a picture to help:



Vote NO on Issue 2 if you support your public employees including teachers, fire, and police.


"But wait," you're saying. What's this about Issue 3?

I saw an absentee ballot this weekend and was terrified by what I saw on that ballot as Issue 3.

Long story short, Issue 3 is Kasich's Anti-Obamacare amendment to Ohio's constitution. It's pure politics and nothing but BS. Why was it scary? Because the language is a little confusing except for the incredibly biased header which reads: To Preserve The Freedom Of Ohioans To Choose Their Health Care And Health Care Coverage

I mean, who doesn't want to preserve freedom?

This one's moving under the radar because so much has been put into Issue 2, but it cannot be ignored. Millions of Ohio voters are going to go to the polls this November and probably have a good idea about Issue 2, but know little about issue 3. How do you think that header is going to affect them? How will that affect their on-the-spot voting on an issue?

Vote NO on Issue 3 to stop Kasich's do-nothing, stop-Obama agenda.

Here's the page for info (and ballot language) for Issues 1, 2, & 3 in Ohio.


And have a great week!

Occupy Cincinnati: People Make Me Sad

I posted innocuously about Occupy Cincinnati because I'm totally going to go but because I own a business can't say "I'll be there fucking vampire corporations!"

Someone I consider a friend replied:

Socialism is not among the principles that have made this country the leader of the free world for the past 235 years... Life, liberty, property, pursuit of happiness... Socialism has failed everywhere it has been tried. Know history or repeat it.

Note: America has been the leader of the free world (kinda not so much now) because everyone else was either not industrialized enough, spending their money on kicking the shit out of someone else, or getting the shit kicked out of them.

Note: NOTHING about the Occupy movement has anything to do with socialism.

Note: It's about government-sanctioned corporate abuse of the system, lack of regulations on a financial level that - if they existed on the FDA level - would mean you'd be peeing out your ass once a week (or dead) because no one would make sure your Montsanto crops were anything more than leafy botulism.

Note: [person] knows very little about history, very little about the present. I'd guess he has a psychological receptor for anything that comes from the right-wing AM band. I still consider him a friend but mourn him as a casualty in the war of thought.

In Short: This is Government at Its Worst

Kansas is looking at decriminalizing domestic violence (via ThinkProgress)

Hey, since processing all those angry, violent people is so expensive, let's just NOT do anything to them; we'll make it fine to beat your wife or girlfriend or daughter or mother or anyone else you want to get drunk and beat the shit out of.

NEVER FEAR! We'll still be putting away those dirty hippie pot-smokers and other non-violent offenders.

Seriously: what the fuck are people thinking constitutes "savings?"

Rick Perry Will Make You Pee Your Pants

c/o Bad Lip Readers

Cleveland Muni Lot is Gold

A bastion of tailgating for the Cleveland Browns is and always has been the Municipal (Muni) parking lot.

I guess because drunk dude already has his shirt off, the rage factor is not met until he tears off his pants before attacking the other dude - who sounds sober and has a mic.



I miss you Cleveland.

Would You Like to Shave My Llama?

EDIT: Alpaca - thanks lunamother!



(via Twisted Sifter)

Big Dog

This is a real thing - tech awesome!

Republican Debates Make Me Angry

Meow! Romney and Perry!

But besides the suspect bullshit like Santorum's recalling of DADT and the weird Republican "OMG, what is this internet and Google thing?" for the proles, two items hit me pretty hard.

Bachmann on Religion

She figuratively said that all religious expression should be awesome and open to the public. No one mentioned her "scary Muslims" thoughts and ideals. So Michele, is it okay for Muslims to pray in public? I didn't think so.


Cain's Cancer

Honestly, I was unaware and AWESOME for him. However, he used his personal issue to say that Obamacare would have killed him.

So how about a thought experiment: if you were poor and unemployed and had no insurance, what would have been your chances then without universal healthcare? I know it's Rich People Problems, but, really? You basically said that because you're rich enough to pay for mad scannings and treatments you survived?


Overall

Perry won, except for his "badminton" remark. Romney made reference to the "side" people in the debate. Fox marginalized everyone else.

The most interesting part of the debate was the positioning of the candidates, the marginalizing, the posing of the questions to either push up or drop down certain candidates.

The only one missing was Jesus, the question: What is your position on killing prisoners? *Jesus gets booed*

Awesome.


Update:
Perry lost. His bit of jabbering was not endearing to the W crowd, and apparently everyone on the right wants to push Mittens. I would love to be there when they decide in their secret bunker that he's the candidate and someone says "Wait, will a Mormon pull the Evangelical Christian vote?" and everyone shits their pants.

The End of DADT!

So for realz it totally gonna be done like tomorrow or the next day or something like officially and until then, something completely different:

Pat Robertson: Make it Stop

The latest stupid from Pat Robertson? Alzheimer's is grounds for divorce.



Yeah, sanctity of marriage and all that.

NASA, the Right, 9/11, and Lies

Today, Mark Steyn in for Limbaugh revisited one of the biggest, hypocritical tropes available in the conservative grab bag: NASA.

"You see," they say, "NASA was a bastion of American exceptionalism, a sign of America the Winner, and now it's done so it's Obama's fault. Obama hates America."

This is a Lies & Stupid sammich.

• NASA was and continues to be government-funded.
• The race to the moon was founded on a pissing contest with godless USSR.
• Hundreds of billions of dollars of tax money spent by the government got us to the moon.
• NASA was defunded by BushII.
• NASA was defunded by BushII because private enterprise is supposedly a good thing.

So welcome to brain rape. Spending billions on anything? Bad. Unless it's to prove our machismo against non-Christians (see: illegal wars). Defunding a government program to let free enterprise move in? Good! Until the defunding command rolls over to a Democratic presidential term where we can blame that president for not believing in America.

And then Steyn rolled it over into 9/11 - You know what we did in the 60's? We said "We're going to the moon" and we fucking did, yo (despite the absurd espense). "Can you see us going to the moon now?" (No. Remember? Government spending = BAD.) So on 9/11, we should've jumped on that hole and built up that skyline so fast it made Al Queda's heads spin! Yeah! Except "We" as in "America" don't control that. That's private enterprise confronted with political infighting, egos, etc.

So here's what you've actually proved in your diarrhea-mouth diatribe: If the government is solidly focused enough and dumps enough tax dollars into something, we can do something amazing like get to the moon. Maybe develop and build an entire interstate highway system. If we leave it to private enterprise, we get a hole in the middle of New York City that's getting filled WAY slower than American Exceptionalism declares it should be filled.

Folks on the AM dial are mad in their rhetoric, and the goons listening for the most part are slurping it up with a straw, ignoring inconsistencies, and becoming dumber by the minute.

Good for us, I guess. Except they're more ignorant and own more guns.

I've Got a Huntsman Thang Going

After tonight's Republican debate, if you were to ask me who I would vote for on the Republican ticket, I'd go Huntsman.

Seriously. Even as a liberal so f'ing left I can't even see "right," I'm pretty pissed about some of the shit Obama has and hasn't passed.

You bring in Huntsman, I might have to pause.

I want me some Huntsman. Some awesome, loud, angry Huntsman. I want him to get angry and start yelling and hollering and showing up on Newt's doorstep in a cape. C'mon, gimme some Huntsman.

I'll say it again, solidly with all caps: IF HUNTSMAN IS THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, I WOULD GIVE SERIOUS CONSIDERATION TO THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR 2012.

Luckily (unfortunately), the GOP and GOP media will happily designate Perry (Paul "crazy" and Romney "Muslim" - I mean Mormon - and everyone else black, female, or crazy) the front-runner.

Heaven help us. I think we need some angels with swords right about now.

Rick Perry Will Tear Your Soul Apart

As Rick Perry bows to the conservative money machine, lies about jobs and everything else, and slowly sells his soul to earn what is totally looking like the full-frontal Republican nomination for 2012, I post this lovely 'shop o mine to celebrate the fact that I just realized I have 666 images uploaded to Photobucket in my Blog album - and it just happens to coincide with Rick Perry getting his own tag here on CFC.

Happy Hump Day!

Colin Powell's Totally Black

Colin Powell is this week's whipping boy, and I mean that totally in a race-related way. See, Dick Cheney released his book this week in which he misremembers and revises recent history in order set the record crooked should the small amount of evil still keeping him alive dissipate and leave him an unanimated corpse before long.

So he apparently takes some cheap shots at Powell because under the Bush administration, Boy didn't quite know his place and sometimes spoke up against Massa Bush or Massa Cheney. And so Powell, this weekend, said Cheney was taking cheap shots.

Ooohh, no, Coli, don'ts a-bee talkin' that strooong talks!

Seriously, the result of this single statement has the entirety of right wing radio Murica blasting the hell out of Colin Powell - not on the merits of anything he said, grant you, but on the fact that he said anything.

And what did race-baiting, foreign-boy-viagra-banging, blubber-puss Rush Limbaugh have to say? That Powell will vote for Obama again because "melanin is thicker than water."

I shit you not.



I don't need to say it because you're already seeing it: this election is going to be the ugliest many of us have ever seen in our lives.

Rick Perry: When You Turn Off The Lights

Some of us see it when the lights are on...

Karl Rove Blows Your Mind: NOT a Christian Nation?

Where am I?

Geez, It's Just a Corn Dog...

I found this here. I'll just leave it here:



And I'm sorry you will never unsee it.

Feel free to repost, share the pain. Just reference the original post as they had no originator.

(And YAY, now Perry has his own blog post tag!)

Chupawho?

I was watching MSNBC this morning (way early) and they had this story on about what might just be the ...chupacabra?



You know, the chupacabra:



And then swarthy meterologist Bill Karins



was all like "Chupa - what?"

And the female anchor (Sorry, was half asleep) said "Um, Chupacabra?"

"So I can just Google that?"


I don't know if that weird deer/kangaroo/wolf thing in the video is the chupacabra, but who the hell hasn't heard of the chupacabra?

Weird.

Shitty 55-year Old Rapper Asks: U Livin De Life?

And he's generally untalented, but he does have the money to be untalented, so I guess there's a message here?

Santorum Waxes Stupid on Marriage

Rick Santorum explains why marriage is marriage and gay marriage isn't. Or something.



Between Santorum Stupid and Bachmann Batshit, the right doesn't really stand a chance come 2012.

Maybe There's an Opening for a Chimney Sweep?

Republicans are full of fuckery. They took a normal, expected, non-fanfare issue - raising the debt ceiling - and owned it and lied to America and whined and pissed and moaned and lied and got many ignorant Americans to back them.

So what if America is being downgraded and there are STILL no jobs? Let's do a sing-along!

McCain: Tea Party Hobbits!

I'm not a huge fan of McCain, but this clip is made of awesome.

Cazwell: This is WTF Gay Rap at its Best

Bachmann, Infomercials, Talking Vag, WarKitteh - Youtubes!

Oh, let's take a funny break. Been a little serious lately.

I love the internet.



Some awful infomercials?



Speaking of commercials, this is not fake.



Medal of Honor Cat


I sometimes fear that our age will be remembered in history not for its achievements in science or the arts but for...internet videos about cats.


Oh, and this, a senior citizen one-take dub. Seriously worth the watch. Kinda creepy though.


Amen. Have a great weekend.

George Carlin: We Like War

1992. Relevancy like that knows no time. RIP George.

Leave Fox News Alone!

I'm serious, folks. Murdoch is in some heavy shit across the pond and looking like the US is coming down the pike after him for hacking into 9/11 victim cell phones (despite his "Oh my, what's going on? Where's my pickles?" bullshit feigning senility).

Now I'm hearing some clamoring from the left: make Fox old news, knock down Fox, bring it to an end. Like hyenas circling the wounded zebra, some of us smell blood - we note the chink in Achilles' heel and feel the need to strike, to kill the stinking, hulking monstrosity while we are able to.


M'f'ing Shadow of the Colossus style!

No.
Stop.
I'm goddamned serious.


Success?

IF there is a groundswell grassroots push to knock down Fox, to take out the network, that would be a bad thing. Please: follow every legal outlet to investigate and prosecute to the fullest of the law should wrongdoing be found. But if there is a serious rising of liberals with online petitions and firey blog posts decrying Fox as an attachment to Murdoch and a call to tear down the beast, all we will garner is ridicule. With good reason. We will truly be hypocrites.


What is Fox?

Fox is a tool (in both senses), something that Sean Hannity this week referred to as a "weapon" of conservatives. It is right-wing machinations donning a mask of "news." This is a heavily-weighted propaganda machine that uses "Fair and Balanced" as their primary slogan.

But because of all that, Fox is a joke. Fox is a news station that exemplifies conservatives in humor by launching and immediately killing their answer to The Daily Show (they don't get humor). Fox is conservatism manifest, an aggregator in that Rush Limbaugh today said Heat Index was invented by the government and has never been passed off as a real temperature and Fox stressed the heat index (for rational, safety reasons), and tomorrow, somewhere, Fox will show duress over this clash. Manifest in the multiple personality hydra it sometimes seems to be in attempting to cater to conservatives and tea party and Republicans and RINOs with a reach-around for the Libertarians.



So What Do We Lose?

Fox is our beacon, our early warning sign for the pulse of stupid, our klaxon, our open playbook. Fox is a tool in a third way: our periscope.

If this goes away, we'll still have some spastic jolts of conservative reality in AM radio with the classic nutters like Hannity, Limbaugh, Beck, and that asshat they call the Great One, but nothing like the heart monitor we have now.

It's the monster we know, the nooks and crannies we're accustomed to, the madness we've accepted. And what do we lose? Exactly that. And Murdoch will get over his temporary insanity and bring something to life even more malicious. The devil you know and all that?


Right now we have a speaking template of how stupid the right can be. It's been limbering around since the Tea Party popped their heads out from another universe, but they're trying. And this Murdoch horror has brought red, steaming blood to the party.

Ignore the blood.

Let it stand, let it stumble, let it rant, let it mumble.

You can both be not a hypocrite and help the liberal cause. Woohoo!

Leave Fox alone.

Srsly.



Ignore it.

Couple of Notes on the Stupid Right

Today I heard Sean Hannity get really upset with the Republicans because there was a hint of some sort of deal that didn't drive the Democrats into the ground. It was cute, almost quaint in its madness. "They're not seeing the forest for the trees and right now Obama owns the forest and it's burning down!" Fucking adorable, really, in that "knuckle sandwich" "fisticuffs" "burns me up" throwback to Ward Cleaver language. It was somewhere between listening to a 4-year-old why he peed his pants and a 15-year-old trailer park baby-daddy read a love poem to his 35-year-old girlfriend on Jerry Springer.

Quick question: Are Cain and Bachmann getting crazier by the second? Yesterday I read that Bachmann openly prayed about being in the end days 6 years ago, and Herman Cain is hot and heavy on banning Mosques. Republicans won't run a Mormon, Black, or Woman anyway, but why make it so easy to say NO?

The budget thing is pretty basic: without borrowing, we'll have money to pay a good chunk of stuff that needs to be paid. But a whole bunch needs to be cut. We're talking large ticket items like Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, Military, FBI, CIA, and all those fat legislators. So when Obama says "Social Security checks might not have funding" and Republicans say "Social Security will absolutely get funded" they're both improv-ing. No one has made those decisions yet.

The Republican plan is to KEEP IN POWER. This has so far been moderately successful. By cutting unions, making it more difficult for the poor, elderly, and disabled to live - let alone vote, and giving the rich more jerk-off money, they're setting up a powerful drive to create a two-class country, disenfranchise millions of people, and make us invent the better guillotine.

Few thoughts to toss around.

Made of Bees

Been swimming in my head a bit...

Lorn opened the back door and stepped inside. The shock of the temperature drop was a welcome stilting, but it wasn't enough. He tracked his grass-stained shoes to the window unit and positioned his dripping face in front of the blower. The chill ran though his joints in an oddly-ecstatic jolt and he picked up his phone. All he could smell was gasoline.

"Wouldn't get too close to that," said the imp sitting on his computer desk, in a tart, British accent. "S'full of bees."

Lorn passed him a sideways glance. "Bees?"

"Yes," he said, standing up off the mouse pad. "Yellow. Black. Stingy. Hurt quite a bit." He leaned on his tiny cane. "Did I say stingy?"

He checked for voicemails. Nothing. Rachel should've called. Scanning texts he said "Bees, really. My phone's got bees in it?"

The imp's eyes grew two sizes. "Oh, my, no."

"Yeah. Thought so."

"The cooling unit's full of bees. Your phone's made of bees."

"Oh, fuck, Jacob. My phone? Bees?" He sat down at the desk within range of the AC fan.

Jacob leaned back on the full 24-ounce can of Labatt Ice. "You carry a tiny computer that's connected to the entire world via voice, via text, via your stupid Angry Birds. No cords. No wires. And it buzzes."

Opening his Blogger account, Lorn didn't even twitch. "Yeah, so there's that."

Jacob stood, "Bees, you git! Bees! Your phone's made of them!"

Eyes. Rolling. "Yeah. Bees. Awesome. I'll take note."

"Well then. Okay." Jacob reached behind the pile of unopened mail and presented a thimble to Lorn. "Pour us a pint then?"

"It's a thimble, Jake."

"Then a thimble. Lorn? Lorn?"

"Okay, just a minute."

"No, Lorn, it's the bees."

Lorn grabbed the can as Jacob fell to the desktop. He cracked the top.

"No. Lorn. The bees. The bees."

And before Lorn could focus, Jacob's body collapsed, convulsed, pulled into the fetal position and then POP! turned into over a hundred bees, all angry, all hungry. And buzzing.

And how they stung!

Lorn dropped to the ground, thinking first of escape, then of survival. Sting. Survival. Sting. Did Jacob say *sting* anything about how to *sting* deal with *sting* these *sting* *sting* damn *sting* bees *sting**sting*? Maybe *sting* the beer *sting* is *sting* would be *sting* beer...

Maybe *sting* the phone *sting*

The remains of Lorn were never found.

Jacob never existed.

Gawker Star Time!

Hey, I just collected some awesome juice today. Yay!


Oh my Gawker!

Over the last several months, I've become horribly addicted to the Gawker Media sites, most notably Gawker.com that has an assortment of snarky articles concerning the world in general with a focus on news and entertainment. So to participate you sign up for your free account and comment along with the rest of everyone.

But there is a bit of an imbalance in the force: you must first be approved. That means that you have to comment a few times as an "audition" and then your account can be seen by folks other than the upper echelon. Once approved, you can comment like anyone else. However there is a third tier. After a while, if it looks like you're going to be hanging around and you are an active commenter and those comments are a nice combination of witty and snarky and informative, you shall be awarded a star.

Starred commenters can approve noobs, promote comments, and their comments always appear first.

I was starred today! Yay!

SO I'm not sure what's sadder: that I'm absurdly freakin' excited about this - it made my whole damn day - or that because my internet life is so internet-y and stuff I consider fun is done under the nom de guerre, I don't have one single person IRL who would know what I'm talking about, let alone appreciate it.

Either way, I feel pretty damn awesome.

John Boehner's a Dick

Today POTUS Barry-O was on teh Twitter answering questions in a town hall format. It was cute. It was quaint. It was for the kids ...until the kids' drunk uncle stumbled in about 10:40am.

Everyone pivoted just in time to see Speaker Boehner, cradling a magnum of Turning Leaf Merlot, stumble into the room. "Hay! Hay!" sputtered Boehner. "Where's the jobs! Hahaha!" *hic*

"If you'll wait just a moment John--"

"No. No, Mobama! I said werer the jobs? Huh? Why you so mean to the jobs?" at which point he collapsed into weeping pile on the floor and people tried not to stare.

Okay, so all that just kinda happened virtually. Seriously. In the middle of Obama's tech-savvy town hall, Boehner - instead of keeping quiet - decided to troll the event like a bratty kid who just got his internet limited by his mommy. Or he had Merlot for breakfast. Either or. Total dick move.




ROUND 2!

Take a look at the screenshot above. Boehner hits off the mid-tirade with a snicker and a RT from AFLCIO, the Union Movement. Because Boehner thinks it's funny that the Unions are wondering where the jobs are too. Yay! Everybody hates Obama! Republicans Win!

Not so fast, B. Turns out AFLCIO, probably a little more savvy than Boehner on teh Twitter, notice him using them and take a couple hits back.



Personally, I like "Where are the jobs? Answer: Not in House Republican Budget" Unsurprisingly, none of this activity was acknowledged by Speaker Boehner.


Keep it classy, you lying, corporate whore.


[SIDENOTE:
If you're unfamiliar with Twitter, the hashtags exist so you can search by a hashtag and follow a stream of tweets. For instance, #AskObama search would allow you to follow - and check out at a later time - questions and answers from today's event. Hyperlinks go to the Twitter search for each hashtag.

#AskObama - designated for today's event
#jobs - This is generally related to job offerings and proof Boehner knows not what he does.
#p2 - progressives 2.0, progressives on Twitter
#u1 - union workers/supporters]

Pat Robertson is an Ignorant Moron

What does Pat Roberston say in light of NY's awesome legalization of gay marriage?



Pat is a poor, ignorant fool.

The actual reason God destroyed the original Twin Cities was because of the worst of the social sins at that time: failure of hospitality.

SO please, Pat. Burn your stupid and hope you can still function. Otherwise, just go away.

More HATE from Ohio :)

You know what's scary? Illegal immigrants. You know what you're forgetting to be frightened of, what group is stealing jobs from real Americans? That's right: Legal immigrants.

This commercial showed up on Ohio airwaves a couple weeks ago.



Doesn't take a digital forensics degree to find this group, The Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), are the folks that brought you Arizona's SB1070 and were branded by the Southern Poverty Law Center in 2007 as a hate group.

So while the conservative no-job, no-idea train keeps a'drivin' forward to keep feeding the corporate machine and indoctrinate America with racism and destroy farming economies of entire states, be very very aware that the next tier of the bigotry "scared of the others" battle takes place on the backs of American Citizens who didn't happen to be born here.

Star Wars Blueprints: DO WANT

Bad news? Limited to 5000 copies, $500 pricetag. Starts shipping in September, so get on the stick if you want one at their website.

You Have Something More Important You Should Be Doing

Almost 14 billion years ago, you were born. The Big Bang, plasma coalescing into particles, suns born and dying to create heavier elements that eventually built the framework of galaxies and the solar system and the big rock we call Earth. About 4.5 billion years ago that last bit happened and through upheavals in astronomical collisions and a Goldilocks placement and evolution from single-celled masses, life was born. 65 million years ago, a journey began that turned mammals into you. Right there. Now. A human being, reading these words.

The entirity of existence has conspired to put you right there. Right now.

You probably have more important things to be doing than reading this.

Go do it.


Yours Truly,
Ricky


(sorry, having a moment. but seriously, go do it.)

The Republican Terror Looms

No, I don't mean Republicans have suddenly found weaving as a pasttime. I'm saying that - news to none, unfortunately - the group of "candidates" we saw for the GOP last night was a terrifying spectacle.

Here's the highlights:

• Everything Obama did is WRONG
• Obama continues to seek to destroy American jobs and freedom and people
• Republicans have, like, ideas!

All three of these points are lies.

Cherry on top last night is Batshit Bachmann entered the race. Just another reason for ignorant Republicans to claim both: 1) This female candidate is qualified AND 2) Democrats actually hate women and can't deal with female success.

Sorry Repubs: it's not a level of intelligence we're scrutinizing but a bottom-floor base of human competency.

This election is going to be the most horrid example of the American Election process most of us have ever seen. And for what it will reveal about the soul-less monsters we call conservatives, I personally welcome it.

Angry Hobos Unite!

Looking at DVD releases that came out this weekend, I saw this:


Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo buys a gun and goes on vigilante mission. (Rutger Hauer, Gregory Smith, Brian Downey)


Hahaha! Rutger Hauer's a hobo! Really, though, who says "hobo" anymore? Though I guess "Homeless Guy with a Shotgun" or "Transient with a Shotgun" doesn't have the zip that "Hobo" does.

Wait, how did the hobo earn the money? Can you beg enough to feed yourself and your alcohol addiction and your occasional weed habit AND regularly tuck enough away to purchase a firearm? Does a background check bypass not having a residence? Does "Shitty maroon traincar with dick spraypainted on the outside in white" count?

Shit.

Now I'm going to have to see this.

Lawns. WTF?

Fuckin' Magnets, how do they work?



I started this with a little ICP because: Lawns - WTF?

Ever turn around and see something so normal and think "WTF?"

I have a lawn in the back and a lawn in the front. In general, un-abused nature, these should be small meadows. But American (+ other countries) general wisdom is that this patch of plant, when trimmed properly with a machine that eats gas, is a wonderful, beautiful, necessary part of living in a house.

(Granted, in water-poor areas, dirt and stone is fine.)

It wastes water, it wastes fuel, it adds to our garbage if bagged.

What the hell are we doing?

Why am I growing a lawn in my front yard? Why am I feeding it to make it grow and hacking the shit out of it every week or two to make it "pretty?"

I propose every lawn in America be killed and turned into a rock or sand or dirt pile in order to preserve the water we DO have at this time. To reduce the amount of pesticides and other chemicals we regularly dump into our ground water.

And then I could focus on more important things like if Weiner's cock shot is real or not.


Fuckin' lawns, how do they work?


Well, ICP, they work by eating our resources for a stupid show of vanity.

Sarah Palin's Paul Revere History Lesson

I wish this was a joke. She is, but it is not. This is as real as it gets.

Pull My Weiner

Not me, credit in the image. Brilliant.

Pledge of Allegiance - Whitest Kids Y'Know

Assassin's Creed Anagram

Looking at this, I was inspired to do some video game anagram action.



Amen.

Michelle, Ma Afro...

Not-Gout Strikes Back. And the Winner is...

For those of you who have been poking around my blog (stop it! it tickles!) as far back as August of 2009 may remember when I had the battle with something that followed textbook gout.

Quick summary: within 24 hours my left big toe joint went from stiff to immobile and excruciating just to touch and I was a limping, whiny mess. I toughed it out for a couple days, resorted to using the broke-foot boot I still have from college, and when I got to the doc and the labs came back: not gout because my uric acid wasn't high enough, it was lasting too long, and the swelling wasn't huge.

That was my GP.

FF to yesterday where that thing I just said happened again to my right big toe. This time I went right away to a Orthopedic surgeon with a podiatry focus. And what did he say? Um, totally gout. Blood uric acid levels can be misleading and swelling varies by person.

And he stuck a needle in the joint and filled it with cortisone. That sucked.

So, we're going to revise my 2009 experience to say: WAS gout. And now I've got it again. Hopefully for less time, and hopefully with the clear memory of holding my head in a pain that bent my sanity at 3am as impetus to make some dietary and lifestyle changes.

Yay gout!

Your Baby (Phone) Can Swear!

Let's take a break from politics and have a delicious laugh, shall we? The guy I got this from on Facebook had it titled "There must be 3 guys in a pub working on stuff like this full time." Absolutely.

Do The Trump Hair Lash! Devil!

While the Colossus of Trump may be attacked directly, his wisps of hair hold the key to his destruction and are grouped and randomly assigned +30 Undead (weakness:fire), +50 Rich (weakness:steal), +20 Vanity (weakness:female attack), respectively.


Trump. Ah, Trump. No runny, no winny. But we already knew that. Everyone did except for the ebb/tide morons (*cough* *tea party*) who cheered him on because they both recognized and remembered his name. Here's how the drama unfolded:

1. Trump announces he's exploring running.
2. The right entertains it.
3. The left finds it entertaining.
4. Trump goes all batshit Birther.
5. For the most part, the Fox/Hannity right back him.
6. The left finds it entertaining.
7. Trump pushes forward in his Obama callout.
8. Obama smacks down his birth certificate.
9. The right kinda edge off a bit.
10. Trump congratulates himself.
11. Obama smacks down Trump on CSPAN.
12. The right aren't really considering Trump a serious candidate.
13. The left is all "Ooh, snap, bitch!"
14. Right is all: Okay, so what do we do if he really runs?
15. Trump says he's not really running.
16. The left is not surprised.
17. The right says "It's because of left wing attacks!"

So, "right" you had a horse in the race, then you kinda didn't, then you had a dog in the race, then you thought you might because others weren't looking so good, then Trump bowed out like every sane person knew he would, and now: Liburlz sux!

Anyone surprised?

For anyone making the connection between this conservative absurdity and their call that science is religion for liberals, here's the other end: For conservatives, politics is religion; Republicans are God, Liberals are Satan.

Like God, if a Republican says something and does something else, they're testing us, or testing themselves. They mean to do well and will if given the chance against ...Satan! Liberals won't do a damn thing right and if they do, well they're just trying to seduce you so you die and go to hell.

Luckily, in the conservative world, they can claim ownership over the Bible and the flag and honor neither. Which kind of speaks to the Deceiver.

No wonder everyone's so confused...

Cum Bubbles & Cat Pee: Ah, the Smells of Spring!

I've already written about the natural odors of semen and cat piss that accost me every Spring, so I won't got into all the details of self-discovery, but here's the skinny:


Juniper

This time of year I am overwhelmed with the smell of feline urine, like a poorly maintained litter box, and in this weather it's like a poorly maintained litter box in a warm, damp basement. I have discovered it comes from the Juniper, the fuzzy-looking bush that can grow narrow and tall or low and creeping. And I am apparently one of the very few people whose nose so knows the smell in quite that way. I've found about half a dozen online, but my family thinks I'm a little mad because they don't sense a thing.


Bradford Pear

And every once in a while, if I'm lucky, I get a chance to whiff something familiar, though not something you'd expect while walking about or driving, like getting my nose rubbed into a wet dream: semen. This comes from the Bradford Pear Tree, and appears to be a much more common recognition than the Juniper cat pee connection.

So there you go. That's my olfactory experience of Spring. Every year. Yum!

Guns, Guns, Guns!

Hey, if you've got a good blog and I don't TOTALLY disagree with you and you're not trying to spam, and have something relevant for me to share with my readers, I'm happy to do it. Yay!

So today we've got http://mikeb302000.blogspot.com/ and Mike B talks, for the most part, about gun control - and our need for more. That makes me happy. And he's been at it since '08! Nice.

So take a look at his place, see what you think, comment there, comment here.

Incidentally, the title of this post is the title of an audio parody I'm working on for a gun show commercial. Seriously, folks: gun shows - WTF?

Miller Lite Thunder Thighs!

So I was on Pandora today and when it stopped after my Death Cab and I went to the window to click Yes, I'm Still Listening, I saw this:



Haha, okay, so silly Miller Lite - OH MY GOD! What in the name of all things holy?! From whence comes the flesh, woman? Whence?

Because I saw this:




...so. Either my graphics background kicked in or I've got a thing for ladies with giant, muscular thighs. Or, something.

People Teeth in a Fish

This is a sheephead.



Aah! People teeth!

Deer in the Headlights

Levi Johnston's new book cover has been released.



And I so wish I were joking. I am not.

Motherlover - Lonely Island

Happy Early Mother's Day!



Susan Sarandon & Patricia Clarkson, well, they are totally hot...

Dear Sophie - Chrome Commercial

Saw this on TV just now and kinda lost it. Jesus, man.



Told you.

Right Wing Logic: Nuh-uuuuuuh!

I heard some conservative asshat on Hannity yesterday arguing that we killed bin Laden and now we have to hunt down every single person in the world who threatens the USA and do the same to them. The liberal (rational) counter argument was that killing one spawns another and another and another kill order to an absurd degree. She was labeled crazy by both the conservative woman and Hannity.

Reminded me of a conversation I had while riding in the car with my parents as a child, though the exact context escapes me. It went something like this:

ME: Well, what if I want the cookie?
MOM: You can't have it.
ME: Maybe I'll just take it.
MOM: Maybe we'll call the police.
ME: Then I'll beat up the police.
MOM: They'll send more police.
ME: I'll beat them up too.
MOM: Then they'll send police from other states.
ME: Beat 'em up.
MOM: Then they'll send the army.
ME: And I'll beat 'em up. I'll beat up the whole world.
MOM: Then they'll call God and you'll go to hell.
ME: Okay. Nevermind.

At a VERY remedial level, how does a self-proclaimed Christian who readily demonizes an entire religion based on a couple radicals justify their own Christianity while calling for the normalized assassination of all enemies of America? Um, if she was in any other country she'd be on our terrorist watch list.

It's Van Mural Time Again!

No better way to take a break from the stupid of government and politics than to have a Van Mural Day.




I don't know if you can make it out, but that is in fact Legolas tearing through the fabric of reality ...but only on the van.




Chess is a game of ...van murals?




Mom! Tell the Duke to stop hogging my van!