Geez, It's Just a Corn Dog...

I found this here. I'll just leave it here:



And I'm sorry you will never unsee it.

Feel free to repost, share the pain. Just reference the original post as they had no originator.

(And YAY, now Perry has his own blog post tag!)

Chupawho?

I was watching MSNBC this morning (way early) and they had this story on about what might just be the ...chupacabra?



You know, the chupacabra:



And then swarthy meterologist Bill Karins



was all like "Chupa - what?"

And the female anchor (Sorry, was half asleep) said "Um, Chupacabra?"

"So I can just Google that?"


I don't know if that weird deer/kangaroo/wolf thing in the video is the chupacabra, but who the hell hasn't heard of the chupacabra?

Weird.

Shitty 55-year Old Rapper Asks: U Livin De Life?

And he's generally untalented, but he does have the money to be untalented, so I guess there's a message here?

Santorum Waxes Stupid on Marriage

Rick Santorum explains why marriage is marriage and gay marriage isn't. Or something.



Between Santorum Stupid and Bachmann Batshit, the right doesn't really stand a chance come 2012.

Maybe There's an Opening for a Chimney Sweep?

Republicans are full of fuckery. They took a normal, expected, non-fanfare issue - raising the debt ceiling - and owned it and lied to America and whined and pissed and moaned and lied and got many ignorant Americans to back them.

So what if America is being downgraded and there are STILL no jobs? Let's do a sing-along!

McCain: Tea Party Hobbits!

I'm not a huge fan of McCain, but this clip is made of awesome.

Cazwell: This is WTF Gay Rap at its Best

Bachmann, Infomercials, Talking Vag, WarKitteh - Youtubes!

Oh, let's take a funny break. Been a little serious lately.

I love the internet.



Some awful infomercials?



Speaking of commercials, this is not fake.



Medal of Honor Cat


I sometimes fear that our age will be remembered in history not for its achievements in science or the arts but for...internet videos about cats.


Oh, and this, a senior citizen one-take dub. Seriously worth the watch. Kinda creepy though.


Amen. Have a great weekend.

George Carlin: We Like War

1992. Relevancy like that knows no time. RIP George.

Leave Fox News Alone!

I'm serious, folks. Murdoch is in some heavy shit across the pond and looking like the US is coming down the pike after him for hacking into 9/11 victim cell phones (despite his "Oh my, what's going on? Where's my pickles?" bullshit feigning senility).

Now I'm hearing some clamoring from the left: make Fox old news, knock down Fox, bring it to an end. Like hyenas circling the wounded zebra, some of us smell blood - we note the chink in Achilles' heel and feel the need to strike, to kill the stinking, hulking monstrosity while we are able to.


M'f'ing Shadow of the Colossus style!

No.
Stop.
I'm goddamned serious.


Success?

IF there is a groundswell grassroots push to knock down Fox, to take out the network, that would be a bad thing. Please: follow every legal outlet to investigate and prosecute to the fullest of the law should wrongdoing be found. But if there is a serious rising of liberals with online petitions and firey blog posts decrying Fox as an attachment to Murdoch and a call to tear down the beast, all we will garner is ridicule. With good reason. We will truly be hypocrites.


What is Fox?

Fox is a tool (in both senses), something that Sean Hannity this week referred to as a "weapon" of conservatives. It is right-wing machinations donning a mask of "news." This is a heavily-weighted propaganda machine that uses "Fair and Balanced" as their primary slogan.

But because of all that, Fox is a joke. Fox is a news station that exemplifies conservatives in humor by launching and immediately killing their answer to The Daily Show (they don't get humor). Fox is conservatism manifest, an aggregator in that Rush Limbaugh today said Heat Index was invented by the government and has never been passed off as a real temperature and Fox stressed the heat index (for rational, safety reasons), and tomorrow, somewhere, Fox will show duress over this clash. Manifest in the multiple personality hydra it sometimes seems to be in attempting to cater to conservatives and tea party and Republicans and RINOs with a reach-around for the Libertarians.



So What Do We Lose?

Fox is our beacon, our early warning sign for the pulse of stupid, our klaxon, our open playbook. Fox is a tool in a third way: our periscope.

If this goes away, we'll still have some spastic jolts of conservative reality in AM radio with the classic nutters like Hannity, Limbaugh, Beck, and that asshat they call the Great One, but nothing like the heart monitor we have now.

It's the monster we know, the nooks and crannies we're accustomed to, the madness we've accepted. And what do we lose? Exactly that. And Murdoch will get over his temporary insanity and bring something to life even more malicious. The devil you know and all that?


Right now we have a speaking template of how stupid the right can be. It's been limbering around since the Tea Party popped their heads out from another universe, but they're trying. And this Murdoch horror has brought red, steaming blood to the party.

Ignore the blood.

Let it stand, let it stumble, let it rant, let it mumble.

You can both be not a hypocrite and help the liberal cause. Woohoo!

Leave Fox alone.

Srsly.



Ignore it.

Couple of Notes on the Stupid Right

Today I heard Sean Hannity get really upset with the Republicans because there was a hint of some sort of deal that didn't drive the Democrats into the ground. It was cute, almost quaint in its madness. "They're not seeing the forest for the trees and right now Obama owns the forest and it's burning down!" Fucking adorable, really, in that "knuckle sandwich" "fisticuffs" "burns me up" throwback to Ward Cleaver language. It was somewhere between listening to a 4-year-old why he peed his pants and a 15-year-old trailer park baby-daddy read a love poem to his 35-year-old girlfriend on Jerry Springer.

Quick question: Are Cain and Bachmann getting crazier by the second? Yesterday I read that Bachmann openly prayed about being in the end days 6 years ago, and Herman Cain is hot and heavy on banning Mosques. Republicans won't run a Mormon, Black, or Woman anyway, but why make it so easy to say NO?

The budget thing is pretty basic: without borrowing, we'll have money to pay a good chunk of stuff that needs to be paid. But a whole bunch needs to be cut. We're talking large ticket items like Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, Military, FBI, CIA, and all those fat legislators. So when Obama says "Social Security checks might not have funding" and Republicans say "Social Security will absolutely get funded" they're both improv-ing. No one has made those decisions yet.

The Republican plan is to KEEP IN POWER. This has so far been moderately successful. By cutting unions, making it more difficult for the poor, elderly, and disabled to live - let alone vote, and giving the rich more jerk-off money, they're setting up a powerful drive to create a two-class country, disenfranchise millions of people, and make us invent the better guillotine.

Few thoughts to toss around.

Made of Bees

Been swimming in my head a bit...

Lorn opened the back door and stepped inside. The shock of the temperature drop was a welcome stilting, but it wasn't enough. He tracked his grass-stained shoes to the window unit and positioned his dripping face in front of the blower. The chill ran though his joints in an oddly-ecstatic jolt and he picked up his phone. All he could smell was gasoline.

"Wouldn't get too close to that," said the imp sitting on his computer desk, in a tart, British accent. "S'full of bees."

Lorn passed him a sideways glance. "Bees?"

"Yes," he said, standing up off the mouse pad. "Yellow. Black. Stingy. Hurt quite a bit." He leaned on his tiny cane. "Did I say stingy?"

He checked for voicemails. Nothing. Rachel should've called. Scanning texts he said "Bees, really. My phone's got bees in it?"

The imp's eyes grew two sizes. "Oh, my, no."

"Yeah. Thought so."

"The cooling unit's full of bees. Your phone's made of bees."

"Oh, fuck, Jacob. My phone? Bees?" He sat down at the desk within range of the AC fan.

Jacob leaned back on the full 24-ounce can of Labatt Ice. "You carry a tiny computer that's connected to the entire world via voice, via text, via your stupid Angry Birds. No cords. No wires. And it buzzes."

Opening his Blogger account, Lorn didn't even twitch. "Yeah, so there's that."

Jacob stood, "Bees, you git! Bees! Your phone's made of them!"

Eyes. Rolling. "Yeah. Bees. Awesome. I'll take note."

"Well then. Okay." Jacob reached behind the pile of unopened mail and presented a thimble to Lorn. "Pour us a pint then?"

"It's a thimble, Jake."

"Then a thimble. Lorn? Lorn?"

"Okay, just a minute."

"No, Lorn, it's the bees."

Lorn grabbed the can as Jacob fell to the desktop. He cracked the top.

"No. Lorn. The bees. The bees."

And before Lorn could focus, Jacob's body collapsed, convulsed, pulled into the fetal position and then POP! turned into over a hundred bees, all angry, all hungry. And buzzing.

And how they stung!

Lorn dropped to the ground, thinking first of escape, then of survival. Sting. Survival. Sting. Did Jacob say *sting* anything about how to *sting* deal with *sting* these *sting* *sting* damn *sting* bees *sting**sting*? Maybe *sting* the beer *sting* is *sting* would be *sting* beer...

Maybe *sting* the phone *sting*

The remains of Lorn were never found.

Jacob never existed.

Gawker Star Time!

Hey, I just collected some awesome juice today. Yay!


Oh my Gawker!

Over the last several months, I've become horribly addicted to the Gawker Media sites, most notably Gawker.com that has an assortment of snarky articles concerning the world in general with a focus on news and entertainment. So to participate you sign up for your free account and comment along with the rest of everyone.

But there is a bit of an imbalance in the force: you must first be approved. That means that you have to comment a few times as an "audition" and then your account can be seen by folks other than the upper echelon. Once approved, you can comment like anyone else. However there is a third tier. After a while, if it looks like you're going to be hanging around and you are an active commenter and those comments are a nice combination of witty and snarky and informative, you shall be awarded a star.

Starred commenters can approve noobs, promote comments, and their comments always appear first.

I was starred today! Yay!

SO I'm not sure what's sadder: that I'm absurdly freakin' excited about this - it made my whole damn day - or that because my internet life is so internet-y and stuff I consider fun is done under the nom de guerre, I don't have one single person IRL who would know what I'm talking about, let alone appreciate it.

Either way, I feel pretty damn awesome.

John Boehner's a Dick

Today POTUS Barry-O was on teh Twitter answering questions in a town hall format. It was cute. It was quaint. It was for the kids ...until the kids' drunk uncle stumbled in about 10:40am.

Everyone pivoted just in time to see Speaker Boehner, cradling a magnum of Turning Leaf Merlot, stumble into the room. "Hay! Hay!" sputtered Boehner. "Where's the jobs! Hahaha!" *hic*

"If you'll wait just a moment John--"

"No. No, Mobama! I said werer the jobs? Huh? Why you so mean to the jobs?" at which point he collapsed into weeping pile on the floor and people tried not to stare.

Okay, so all that just kinda happened virtually. Seriously. In the middle of Obama's tech-savvy town hall, Boehner - instead of keeping quiet - decided to troll the event like a bratty kid who just got his internet limited by his mommy. Or he had Merlot for breakfast. Either or. Total dick move.




ROUND 2!

Take a look at the screenshot above. Boehner hits off the mid-tirade with a snicker and a RT from AFLCIO, the Union Movement. Because Boehner thinks it's funny that the Unions are wondering where the jobs are too. Yay! Everybody hates Obama! Republicans Win!

Not so fast, B. Turns out AFLCIO, probably a little more savvy than Boehner on teh Twitter, notice him using them and take a couple hits back.



Personally, I like "Where are the jobs? Answer: Not in House Republican Budget" Unsurprisingly, none of this activity was acknowledged by Speaker Boehner.


Keep it classy, you lying, corporate whore.


[SIDENOTE:
If you're unfamiliar with Twitter, the hashtags exist so you can search by a hashtag and follow a stream of tweets. For instance, #AskObama search would allow you to follow - and check out at a later time - questions and answers from today's event. Hyperlinks go to the Twitter search for each hashtag.

#AskObama - designated for today's event
#jobs - This is generally related to job offerings and proof Boehner knows not what he does.
#p2 - progressives 2.0, progressives on Twitter
#u1 - union workers/supporters]

Pat Robertson is an Ignorant Moron

What does Pat Roberston say in light of NY's awesome legalization of gay marriage?



Pat is a poor, ignorant fool.

The actual reason God destroyed the original Twin Cities was because of the worst of the social sins at that time: failure of hospitality.

SO please, Pat. Burn your stupid and hope you can still function. Otherwise, just go away.

More HATE from Ohio :)

You know what's scary? Illegal immigrants. You know what you're forgetting to be frightened of, what group is stealing jobs from real Americans? That's right: Legal immigrants.

This commercial showed up on Ohio airwaves a couple weeks ago.



Doesn't take a digital forensics degree to find this group, The Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), are the folks that brought you Arizona's SB1070 and were branded by the Southern Poverty Law Center in 2007 as a hate group.

So while the conservative no-job, no-idea train keeps a'drivin' forward to keep feeding the corporate machine and indoctrinate America with racism and destroy farming economies of entire states, be very very aware that the next tier of the bigotry "scared of the others" battle takes place on the backs of American Citizens who didn't happen to be born here.

Star Wars Blueprints: DO WANT

Bad news? Limited to 5000 copies, $500 pricetag. Starts shipping in September, so get on the stick if you want one at their website.

You Have Something More Important You Should Be Doing

Almost 14 billion years ago, you were born. The Big Bang, plasma coalescing into particles, suns born and dying to create heavier elements that eventually built the framework of galaxies and the solar system and the big rock we call Earth. About 4.5 billion years ago that last bit happened and through upheavals in astronomical collisions and a Goldilocks placement and evolution from single-celled masses, life was born. 65 million years ago, a journey began that turned mammals into you. Right there. Now. A human being, reading these words.

The entirity of existence has conspired to put you right there. Right now.

You probably have more important things to be doing than reading this.

Go do it.


Yours Truly,
Ricky


(sorry, having a moment. but seriously, go do it.)

The Republican Terror Looms

No, I don't mean Republicans have suddenly found weaving as a pasttime. I'm saying that - news to none, unfortunately - the group of "candidates" we saw for the GOP last night was a terrifying spectacle.

Here's the highlights:

• Everything Obama did is WRONG
• Obama continues to seek to destroy American jobs and freedom and people
• Republicans have, like, ideas!

All three of these points are lies.

Cherry on top last night is Batshit Bachmann entered the race. Just another reason for ignorant Republicans to claim both: 1) This female candidate is qualified AND 2) Democrats actually hate women and can't deal with female success.

Sorry Repubs: it's not a level of intelligence we're scrutinizing but a bottom-floor base of human competency.

This election is going to be the most horrid example of the American Election process most of us have ever seen. And for what it will reveal about the soul-less monsters we call conservatives, I personally welcome it.

Angry Hobos Unite!

Looking at DVD releases that came out this weekend, I saw this:


Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo buys a gun and goes on vigilante mission. (Rutger Hauer, Gregory Smith, Brian Downey)


Hahaha! Rutger Hauer's a hobo! Really, though, who says "hobo" anymore? Though I guess "Homeless Guy with a Shotgun" or "Transient with a Shotgun" doesn't have the zip that "Hobo" does.

Wait, how did the hobo earn the money? Can you beg enough to feed yourself and your alcohol addiction and your occasional weed habit AND regularly tuck enough away to purchase a firearm? Does a background check bypass not having a residence? Does "Shitty maroon traincar with dick spraypainted on the outside in white" count?

Shit.

Now I'm going to have to see this.

Lawns. WTF?

Fuckin' Magnets, how do they work?



I started this with a little ICP because: Lawns - WTF?

Ever turn around and see something so normal and think "WTF?"

I have a lawn in the back and a lawn in the front. In general, un-abused nature, these should be small meadows. But American (+ other countries) general wisdom is that this patch of plant, when trimmed properly with a machine that eats gas, is a wonderful, beautiful, necessary part of living in a house.

(Granted, in water-poor areas, dirt and stone is fine.)

It wastes water, it wastes fuel, it adds to our garbage if bagged.

What the hell are we doing?

Why am I growing a lawn in my front yard? Why am I feeding it to make it grow and hacking the shit out of it every week or two to make it "pretty?"

I propose every lawn in America be killed and turned into a rock or sand or dirt pile in order to preserve the water we DO have at this time. To reduce the amount of pesticides and other chemicals we regularly dump into our ground water.

And then I could focus on more important things like if Weiner's cock shot is real or not.


Fuckin' lawns, how do they work?


Well, ICP, they work by eating our resources for a stupid show of vanity.

Sarah Palin's Paul Revere History Lesson

I wish this was a joke. She is, but it is not. This is as real as it gets.

Pull My Weiner

Not me, credit in the image. Brilliant.

Pledge of Allegiance - Whitest Kids Y'Know

Assassin's Creed Anagram

Looking at this, I was inspired to do some video game anagram action.



Amen.

Michelle, Ma Afro...

Not-Gout Strikes Back. And the Winner is...

For those of you who have been poking around my blog (stop it! it tickles!) as far back as August of 2009 may remember when I had the battle with something that followed textbook gout.

Quick summary: within 24 hours my left big toe joint went from stiff to immobile and excruciating just to touch and I was a limping, whiny mess. I toughed it out for a couple days, resorted to using the broke-foot boot I still have from college, and when I got to the doc and the labs came back: not gout because my uric acid wasn't high enough, it was lasting too long, and the swelling wasn't huge.

That was my GP.

FF to yesterday where that thing I just said happened again to my right big toe. This time I went right away to a Orthopedic surgeon with a podiatry focus. And what did he say? Um, totally gout. Blood uric acid levels can be misleading and swelling varies by person.

And he stuck a needle in the joint and filled it with cortisone. That sucked.

So, we're going to revise my 2009 experience to say: WAS gout. And now I've got it again. Hopefully for less time, and hopefully with the clear memory of holding my head in a pain that bent my sanity at 3am as impetus to make some dietary and lifestyle changes.

Yay gout!

Your Baby (Phone) Can Swear!

Let's take a break from politics and have a delicious laugh, shall we? The guy I got this from on Facebook had it titled "There must be 3 guys in a pub working on stuff like this full time." Absolutely.

Do The Trump Hair Lash! Devil!

While the Colossus of Trump may be attacked directly, his wisps of hair hold the key to his destruction and are grouped and randomly assigned +30 Undead (weakness:fire), +50 Rich (weakness:steal), +20 Vanity (weakness:female attack), respectively.


Trump. Ah, Trump. No runny, no winny. But we already knew that. Everyone did except for the ebb/tide morons (*cough* *tea party*) who cheered him on because they both recognized and remembered his name. Here's how the drama unfolded:

1. Trump announces he's exploring running.
2. The right entertains it.
3. The left finds it entertaining.
4. Trump goes all batshit Birther.
5. For the most part, the Fox/Hannity right back him.
6. The left finds it entertaining.
7. Trump pushes forward in his Obama callout.
8. Obama smacks down his birth certificate.
9. The right kinda edge off a bit.
10. Trump congratulates himself.
11. Obama smacks down Trump on CSPAN.
12. The right aren't really considering Trump a serious candidate.
13. The left is all "Ooh, snap, bitch!"
14. Right is all: Okay, so what do we do if he really runs?
15. Trump says he's not really running.
16. The left is not surprised.
17. The right says "It's because of left wing attacks!"

So, "right" you had a horse in the race, then you kinda didn't, then you had a dog in the race, then you thought you might because others weren't looking so good, then Trump bowed out like every sane person knew he would, and now: Liburlz sux!

Anyone surprised?

For anyone making the connection between this conservative absurdity and their call that science is religion for liberals, here's the other end: For conservatives, politics is religion; Republicans are God, Liberals are Satan.

Like God, if a Republican says something and does something else, they're testing us, or testing themselves. They mean to do well and will if given the chance against ...Satan! Liberals won't do a damn thing right and if they do, well they're just trying to seduce you so you die and go to hell.

Luckily, in the conservative world, they can claim ownership over the Bible and the flag and honor neither. Which kind of speaks to the Deceiver.

No wonder everyone's so confused...

Cum Bubbles & Cat Pee: Ah, the Smells of Spring!

I've already written about the natural odors of semen and cat piss that accost me every Spring, so I won't got into all the details of self-discovery, but here's the skinny:


Juniper

This time of year I am overwhelmed with the smell of feline urine, like a poorly maintained litter box, and in this weather it's like a poorly maintained litter box in a warm, damp basement. I have discovered it comes from the Juniper, the fuzzy-looking bush that can grow narrow and tall or low and creeping. And I am apparently one of the very few people whose nose so knows the smell in quite that way. I've found about half a dozen online, but my family thinks I'm a little mad because they don't sense a thing.


Bradford Pear

And every once in a while, if I'm lucky, I get a chance to whiff something familiar, though not something you'd expect while walking about or driving, like getting my nose rubbed into a wet dream: semen. This comes from the Bradford Pear Tree, and appears to be a much more common recognition than the Juniper cat pee connection.

So there you go. That's my olfactory experience of Spring. Every year. Yum!

Guns, Guns, Guns!

Hey, if you've got a good blog and I don't TOTALLY disagree with you and you're not trying to spam, and have something relevant for me to share with my readers, I'm happy to do it. Yay!

So today we've got http://mikeb302000.blogspot.com/ and Mike B talks, for the most part, about gun control - and our need for more. That makes me happy. And he's been at it since '08! Nice.

So take a look at his place, see what you think, comment there, comment here.

Incidentally, the title of this post is the title of an audio parody I'm working on for a gun show commercial. Seriously, folks: gun shows - WTF?

Miller Lite Thunder Thighs!

So I was on Pandora today and when it stopped after my Death Cab and I went to the window to click Yes, I'm Still Listening, I saw this:



Haha, okay, so silly Miller Lite - OH MY GOD! What in the name of all things holy?! From whence comes the flesh, woman? Whence?

Because I saw this:




...so. Either my graphics background kicked in or I've got a thing for ladies with giant, muscular thighs. Or, something.

People Teeth in a Fish

This is a sheephead.



Aah! People teeth!

Deer in the Headlights

Levi Johnston's new book cover has been released.



And I so wish I were joking. I am not.

Motherlover - Lonely Island

Happy Early Mother's Day!



Susan Sarandon & Patricia Clarkson, well, they are totally hot...

Dear Sophie - Chrome Commercial

Saw this on TV just now and kinda lost it. Jesus, man.



Told you.

Right Wing Logic: Nuh-uuuuuuh!

I heard some conservative asshat on Hannity yesterday arguing that we killed bin Laden and now we have to hunt down every single person in the world who threatens the USA and do the same to them. The liberal (rational) counter argument was that killing one spawns another and another and another kill order to an absurd degree. She was labeled crazy by both the conservative woman and Hannity.

Reminded me of a conversation I had while riding in the car with my parents as a child, though the exact context escapes me. It went something like this:

ME: Well, what if I want the cookie?
MOM: You can't have it.
ME: Maybe I'll just take it.
MOM: Maybe we'll call the police.
ME: Then I'll beat up the police.
MOM: They'll send more police.
ME: I'll beat them up too.
MOM: Then they'll send police from other states.
ME: Beat 'em up.
MOM: Then they'll send the army.
ME: And I'll beat 'em up. I'll beat up the whole world.
MOM: Then they'll call God and you'll go to hell.
ME: Okay. Nevermind.

At a VERY remedial level, how does a self-proclaimed Christian who readily demonizes an entire religion based on a couple radicals justify their own Christianity while calling for the normalized assassination of all enemies of America? Um, if she was in any other country she'd be on our terrorist watch list.

It's Van Mural Time Again!

No better way to take a break from the stupid of government and politics than to have a Van Mural Day.




I don't know if you can make it out, but that is in fact Legolas tearing through the fabric of reality ...but only on the van.




Chess is a game of ...van murals?




Mom! Tell the Duke to stop hogging my van!

Ah, That Old God & Gays Argument...

Oh, hells yeah. Could someone put this right-headed thought and concern upon every politician in America? (God? I'm lookin' at you! Shit. That's just the bathroom mirror.)



Representative Steve Simon (DFL Hopkins/St. Louis Park) says a proposed Minnesota constitutional amendment is largely about religion. He says if sexual orientation is innate as science is showing us, and not a lifestyle choice, then God created gay people. He asks how many gay people must God create before we accept that he wants them around.

Conservative America Reacts (pt.1, I'm sure)

Osama bin Laden is dead. The USA killed him. We have his body (well, the USA, not, like, at my house).

Pretty sweet news, and while I think Obama should get the cred (as Bush had so many years to do so), I'm expecting a flush of Fox cred for Bush for this as though he were still prez and #winning.

But almost 2 hours after the announcement, and I've been living on the TV and Twitter and FB and someone I follow posted this (I reversed it from the bottom-up feed, so the top was written first - less than 10 minutes from the second).



Shit, man. Is this - WTF? This is your first seal, readers. While knee-jerk reaction is "Obama wins!" it just means it has to get even uglier for them to properly defame him. Strap in. It gonna get stupid(er).

1974 Sucked Butts

This man is on the path to a 5-figure salary. Poor bastard. (ad from 1974 Deathlok comic book)


(click to embiggen)

Fake colleges you don't have to go to: financially and mentally raping Americans for almost 40 years.

Smile!

Musee des Beaux Arts by W.H Auden

One of my all-time favorites. And how appropriate, with our Icarus, the Economy, the ploughman the Republican needing to shut down abortions and minority voting.


"Fall of Icarus" by Breughel

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

Quote of the Evar: Peter Barnes

I know I am God because when I pray to Him I find I am speaking to Myself.

- Peter Barnes

We Don't Own All The OIL!

Let me say this a different way:

Some of the conservatives are correct: if you announced that the USA was allowing the drilling of every ounce of oil under its land, gas prices would drop tomorrow while the speculators scrambled and if it actually happened, prices of the world market would slowly decrease until, like... anything happened in the Middle East, we realized China was buying even more (and now cheaper) oil, or the wells went dry.

But here's where it gets hinky, and I heard direct evidence of this on Columbus 610AM WTVN with Chuck Douglas: While Chuck stuck to the potential of drilling as potentially lowering the gas price, he gave callers a blind crazy license to say, basically "We've got enough oil and natural gas and coal within our shores to carry the USA forever and FUCK foreign energy!" Of course without even questioning them let alone correcting them.

Here's the problem: The same ignorant goons saying "We own our oil!" don't quite realize that it is because of the entrepreneurial free market, the "government out of business" that they tout that THIS IS NOT TRUE.

Drilling companies pay the US a fee for exploratory - then drilling - rights. They own the crude they drill and will sell it not to the US (but we needs it, precious) but to the highest bidder who in turn sells the next product down all the way to gas, everyone getting the highest price on the market. We will buy it off the same market as China, even if it was drilled from my Cincinnati, OH yard and I was on the drilling team.

The ONLY way these right wing goons saying "We own our oil!" could be right is if the United States Government got its hands into the drilling business, the oil business, the refining business, the gasoline and petrol products - Hell, let's call it TAINT-OIL - and then we can cut off the rest of the world and TAINT-OIL can keep and distribute and control the flow of the fuel ("Hell, you can be Joe Cocaine with it") - and our livelihoods.

[Pause: You get this, right? The right wing is basically calling for eschewing free markets and governmental control of our energy resources.]

So how do so many people, people who don't want "the nanny state" thinking about talking about looking at them sideways, NOT understand this basic fact, this absolute catastrophe of logic?

Because people like Chuck Douglas and Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh let them. Because while these show hosts should (and probably do based on their measured speech) know better, realize that the USA will never drill and take our own oil -- those hosts, their livelihood, their base, their ratings are activated, are generated, are receiving salvation from the Lord Above from ignorant people who want nothing more than to yell at the radio about how Obama is screwing them.

Ironically, would the US Government open TAINT-OIL, those talk show hosts would be on the front lines of WTF! And, ironically, Obama cares more for these gas-price-cursing AM-drooling myrmidons than any of the hosts do.

Ignorance abounds. I would say Obama needs to push this basic reality, but it would be discounted because Obama said it.

So I leave it to you: How do we explain to the indoctrinated AM listeners that their basic beliefs in the free market and governmental control are keeping them from getting them cheap oil?

(Note: I am adamantly opposed to our government getting into the oil industry. That would be a BAD idea; Oil conglomerates need to be checked, but NOT controlled.)

OMFG, S.C., TEA? ROFL

"The fish is Glenn Beck."



That is all.

(h/t C&L)

When Can we Just Call a Racist a Racist? Santorum!

Today we've got a two-fer: a regular post AND a Take It Back.

Hey, remember when this happened?




For some reason it just fit here:




So then, this last Thursday, Think Progress pointed out that Santorum's (campaign? exploratory?) slogan is "Fighting to Make America America again" which is awfully close to a line in a poem by Langston Hughes that states "let America be America again"

Arguably one of America's most amazing poets, Langston Hughes also happened to be African-American and gay. Ouch. Not only that, but the stanza

O, let America be America again-
The land that never has been yet-
And yet must be-the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine-the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME-

clearly turns the Republican stance on looking back at Great America on its head, saying that that America never existed in reality.

At first when confronted with the similarity, Santorum said he didn't know the origin of the phrase, that he had nothing to do with it, that it might be on a website or something.

And now he's disowned it, distanced himself, and don't wanna talk about it. Somewhere in the last 48 hours in a back room somewhere the words "It came from a black faggot?" were spoken and taken very, very seriously.

The only thing scarier than this story is the fact that this man still thinks he can be president.

UPDATE: And then he turns around and says he's going to reinstate Don't Ask Don't Tell. AhhhhhHhh!

Minecraft Owns Me Now

So I watched this:



And I was like...meh.

Then I saw this yesterday:

More Minecraft Videos

I thought: Hey, something I could check out.



That's my dog. Well, it's not really mine. I've got this house, which is just kind of a hole in a hill, and I put a door on it and lit it with torches and I keep digging and digging and I made a work table and chests to hold stuff... - sorry, so occasionally when I go out to kill cows for hides or chop down trees (only during the day; night has bad monsters) and I come home I find a skeleton has spawned somehow and the bastard shoots arrows but I kill him, sometimes after a spawn or two of my own (still working on good armor) and when I do I get a bone. I found some wolves and fed one of them 4 bones. And his/her collar turned red and a little heart <3 popped out of its chest and since then it just followed me. And if I accidentally hit it with a pick axe while mining, it doesn't even mind. But I don't like that so I tell him/her to sit on my bed.

I don't have a name for him (or her) yet because I'm viciously mining, as I mentioned. Actually, it's dead. Let's stop playing games while playing games. That screenshot was from when I had it sit on the bed. But I felt so bad, cooped up all the time? So I let him/her follow me (as he/she is wont to do) and while mining away from home a creature called a creeper came around a corner and exploded (as they are wont to do) and Dog-With-No-Name was just gone. And now I have to use my wood to make planks to make a sign so I can put it in that mine and give my dog a name post-mortem as a memorial.

Seriously, this post was going to be happy. I love this game. Then Ricky died. Of course: Ricky.

Well, Ricky will get a sign, and I need to get back to mining. Because maybe a skeleton will spawn and I'll kill it and take the bones and give them to a wolf and I'll name it Rickyz and it will never be allowed off my bed. Evar.

Yay Minecraft! Right?

Cute Break

Enough of all the bullshit and politics and Obama and Ryan and Trump and Hannity and Beck and sanctimony and flip-flopping and hypocrisy. STFU!



Okay. Now, back to business.

Romney Goes Legit 2 Quit

That's the logo. Apparently toothpaste is his thing. I smell nanny state and Romneycare and sister wives colliding with America. You know, those "true ideals" that non-Mormon conservatives change every six months.

Not sure what's suckier: the shitty branding or (if you look at the source code) that he chose to bring his message to America in a low-rent Wordpress template (ooh, probably the same source, a cousin perchance? who took this one course this one time on websites and totally can program and stuff?). Basic PR calls for custom design, programming, SEO, and that's just on the web side! Looks like he started his campaign by creating a job ...for an intern.


Sorry: Edit: Believe in America? Um, we already do. Thanks. Obama's message of Hope worked because many of us lost that with Bush. The left, the right, the gun-toting living bibles? We all believe in America. Well, our version. So, wait, what's Mitt's version of America? Mormon intifada? Sister Wives Sharia Law? Hell, we'll just get Glenn on Fox to expose... Holy Shit! He quit (was fired) and he's Mormon too!

What fresh torture have we just entered? What of Satan's carnal jubilation have we awoken? This is hell-jizz territory. Get a hat.

Jesus Babies: The Real Conservative Crusade

You've heard conservatives lament the horror of Anchor Babies: children born on American soil, making them American citizens, to the parents of illegal immigrants. It's the theme, purpose, and strategy of the immigrants and it must be stopped!

You may have also heard the paranoid rantings of some elected officials blathering on about Terror Babies. These are the Taliban counterparts to their Hispanic compatriots and should completely scare the crap out of us because, um, terrorists, duh!

(Your mission: draw cute, cartoon-y versions of stereotypical illegal immigrants and terrorists - as babies. Awwww...watcha watcha intafada taco? Brrth?)

But the real point of this post is that the sometime raving and ranting on the right over the Anchor and Terror Babies betrays the real reason for their perplexing focus of women's health care and Planned Parenthood: Jesus Babies.

It's the same reason (in my opinion) Christianity and other religions encoded into their doctrines the need to consummate a marriage and avoid birth control: more babies means more Christians. Some estimates have white people as a minority in the USA by 2042, and that scares the shit out of the rich, white right wing. More babies, more Whites, more babies, more Christians.

And yet they're wrong again. The growing secular population in America paired with the growing liberal - moving forward - crowd will actually mean less Christians, less 100% white people. It will mean more abortions - legal or not - and more deaths and more illness and more orphaned children.

In their heads, the brown people are winning the population race. And they don't know what to do about it. So? Apply Christian doctrine to law!

This is just me, but:

"Liberals look back at the last 50 years, figure we've done pretty well moving forward in the rights of women and minorities, but know there's much yet to do. Conservatives look back 50 years and are horrified that it still doesn't look like that now."

-Ricky Shambles


Sorry conservatives, but "Where's Mammy with my mint julep?" is never coming back.

Dear Washington: You're Assholes

You're all assholes.

Republicans: You lie and rely on your crazy wing and AM fakery to scare the shit out of everyone.

Democrats: You fold like a wet card castle and then whine about it.

America: You keep voting for people who want to be politicians.

We need to take representation like jury duty.

Why do things suck right now? WE made it this way.

Star Wars Perspective: Darth & Luke

I was in a client meeting this week that turned into a geekfest of sorts (as is wont with us web guys) and my client said something that I had not really considered before in relation to his son: the differentiation in the view of the six movies that we know as Star Wars.

For me, in my mid-30's, I experienced Star Wars - albeit not all in the theater (I saw RotJ with popcorn when I was seven) - as a wonderful trilogy, an arcing coming of age story of the development of a boy turned man who eventually knew the truth of his past and confronted his father. It was a story about Luke Skywalker. Re-watching this tale on VHS (over and over) only reconfirmed this reading.

When I was out of college and saw Episodes I-III, I saw it as an origin story: these are the tales that lead to the story of Luke Skywalker - and the coolest part is we see how Anakin grows as "The Chosen One" and (we all know) turns to the Dark Side to become Darth Vader. Oh, how wonderfully complex and nuanced! I just about literally drool over the presentation and resolution and composition.

But kids growing up now - or from slightly-pre-1999 on - see this basic culturally-relevant, pop-culture reality in a completely different way. Instead of starting with Episode IV and mulling over it for years, they start with Episode I, with Anakin. And that transforms everything.

In the generation quickly slipping just past me, there is an understanding that these six movies are a tale of Anakin Skywalker turned dark to Darth Vader, his interactions with his son, and, finally, his death. For them, Star Wars is the life story of Darth Vader.

The story had to be told (maybe without Jar Jar), and the younger generation will still get the overriding themes, but when I watched Episode IV, I was watching the beginning of the redemption of a villain. When they do, they begin with some level of empathy and understanding of who this masked man is.

Neither one is right, but I would argue that the original presentation provides a more dramatic experience, and would argue that: if you have children or know children being introduced into the Star Wars cannon, do IV-VI first and then present them with I-III.

And one day, when Lucas realizes the world will not actually end in 2012, perhaps we can look forward to some VII-IX with Leia and Han's kids, and we can all - once again - be children in awe watching this saga unfold.

Conservative Crazy #96: Kill the President?

You may recall I've been monitoring my right-wing email (Human Events) subscriptions for 365 Ways to Make a Liberal Crazy.

Today, I must report, ...shit man. I hate the "Really?" common phraseology, but - Really?

96: Say a Prayer
Dear Lord, you took my favorite actor Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen.

Let's joke about the President's death and pair it with a Christian prayer. Awesome. As always, the lack of understanding of humor and the batshit crazy flourishes on the right.

In Short: Hannity is a Rube

And I don't mean Rube Goldberg.

Today on Hannity's Radio Debacle, he interviewed Vox Day, author of The Return of the Great Depression, and through the process of the softball sales pitch for Vox's book Sean gets more and more "troubled." "Well, I don't know; it's a little apocalyptic," he said.

Sean: Vox Day is the "brilliant economist" that is the basis of the ads on your show with the website address TheEndOfAmerica.com. What the fuck did you think he was going to talk about?

I swear every day is more surreal than the last.

April 1 is Internets Xmas

Seriously. On April Fool's Day, it rains meme seeds. Kotaku has the official round-up, but this, well... 2K games takes Duke Nukem to the next level: flinging poo.




And then there's the new Harry Potter TV Show:



Truly brilliant!

Take it Back: Album Covers

I took a shot at going back into my archives of lovely Photoshop pieces that perhaps you have never seen in I'm Hilarious in Iraq. Here are a couple album covers I did:

Combining two albums? Sure! Here's The Gray Album:




And in a double-entendre exercise, I would love to hear this band:

The White Kids Channel

Don't be mixin' races folks.



I guess if that didn't make you vomit (or have the skills it takes to hack and wipe out a website), you can catch the rest of Andrews videos at whitepridetv.com.

Mmm... Chewy

I was over at Cal's place and he was talking about Chewbacca - as one is wont to do - and he suggested a new Star Wars film which made me suggest "Wookie Nights" which turned into remaking movies with wookies.

I'm feeling an execution of about 8/10, but I'm pretty sure it's not as funny as it was in my head. Feedback is always appreciated!

Some Vampire Movie or Something

What if the picture above triggered no recognition in your brain, no social relevance, no movie connection, no thoughts of the scree of a tween clawing at your eardrums?

Over heard this week:

GAL: What's your granddaughter's name again?

GUY: Bella.

GAL: Oh, yeah. So pretty.

GUY: Yeah, I guess someone asked [my son] if they named her after, I guess there's some vampire movie or something.

GAL: Oh. Really? Hrm.

GUY: But [my son] just likes the name Isabella.

GAL: I don't know, I never heard of that.

GUY: Me neither. I'm not really a movie person.

GAL: Not unless it's free.

*they laugh*

My first reaction, after picking my jaw up off the floor, was OMFG! How can you not know Twilight? How can you be so much not a movie person that you're completely unaware of one of the biggest movie and literary sensations in years? Do you not read books either?

Is it even possible to be unaware of something that is so completely ubiquitous? This happened in a "work" environment, so the people in question leave the house every day. With billboards and posters and radio and television and conversations with people who know someone who read the book or saw the movie, you never heard about Twilight?

Then I stepped back and monitored my own reaction. This doesn't make these people any less people, but am I a media snob for reacting like that? I don't think I come across as "OMG I know everything about everything," even in my private thoughts.

So what are your thoughts? About the interaction and my reaction. I'd love to hear what other people think.

Limbaugh Stupid - Internets

Heard immediately upon turning on the car:

Rush: "No, if you put it in a PDF 95% of people won't be able to read it."

PDF stands for Portable Document Format. It is the de facto file format for electronic documents the world over. You can download Adobe Acrobat Reader for free. Well over 2/3 of all the computers in the world can open a PDF file because of this universality.

Rush regularly talks about things he does not understand, and when the funnel-eared myrmidons lap up his aural feces, they become even dumber.

Why is it conservatives/Republicans just do NOT understand technology, specifically the internet?

The Madness of the Right: Iraq, Libya, & Puppies

I swear that The Onion is going to go out of business. And it's all the fault of those damn Republicans.

Nine years ago when we invaded Iraq (again), all of us on the left were pretty damn vocal with a very clear WTF? Our question with two wars running? "How can you measure success?"

Today, I heard Sean Hannity wagging idiot-stiffies with Buchanan over how bad Libya was, how much of a debacle it is, a "quagmire (he will be creating a quagmire commercial for tomorrow, FYI)," and Sean was pontificating about what this "invasion" meant. "What is the measure of success?" He wondered what the extension of this would be - would it mean we'd just go willy-nilly into Russia, into China? "What's next? Saudi Arabia?" At which point the world turned upside-down, I was driving on the left side of the road, the guy in the car next to me was getting head from his sister, I wasn't drinking a Mike's Hard, and I vomited out my ass.

Bush drove a fear-of-self-preservation (& freedom) bill through congress and invaded Afghanistan cause we thought a guy who might've planned 9/11 was hangin' out somewhere there - almost 10 years later we don't really know where he might be. We invaded Iraq because of warmongering lies. We DIDN'T attack Saudi Arabia where almost all the terrorists came from. Bush's vague, unicorn-fart version of "finality" was somewhat along the lines of "when we get the terr'ists." And that was an AWESOME answer for everyone on the right and Fox News and Sean and Glenn and Rush and they threw down palm fronds and attacked any rational people by calling them cowards.

But since our president is "the other," since he might be a sekret terrrst, he can't use that. Actually, he can't do anything right. He can't be tough enough or compromise enough. He can't promote war and he can't promote peace. He can't act in concert with an international theater and he can't act unilaterally. But most importantly, he's either too black or not black enough.

As Ezra Klein tweeted, " If the president proposed the ‘More Puppies Act,’ the minority would discover it holds fervently pro-cat beliefs."

(Sidenote: check out Buchanan's website. It sucks my nads. In 1998.)

That Guy Who Sends You Emails and They're Not That Bad ...Until...

Got this from one of those guys. WTF?

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.

Some people think this is funny. You should be terrified at that.

Okay, wait. Let me try.

For centuries, Christians have worshiped an idol of a man nailed to wood. Most of us have naively thought this was...

Sorry. That is enough absurdity for today. Please fill in your own silliness.

Star Wars DJO Wondersynch

What I'm Havin' is Havin' You On

One of my fav Kids in the Hall skits, Season 2, Episode 1

Doggie Refugees in Japan

Seriously, teh sads:



Toldja.

Fox & William Tucker Say "Meh" to Nuclear Danger

Ahhhhhh! When will I learn? Ten minutes of Fox News is enough to give a thinking / informed person a terrible headache.

Last night I stayed up kind of late watching coverage of the tragedy in Japan and much of that coverage was on the danger of the nuclear situation there. After a few shows and many an animated graphic, I had a solid grasp. Here's the gist:

• Each of the 6 (!) reactors have an inner containment casing surrounding the reactor core, and an outer reactor casing.
• 3 of the reactors were offline for maintenance and contained no reactor cores.
• The remaining went offline with quake for safety.
• ALL six of the reactor buildings contain spent nuclear fuel rods, cooled by water, contained only by the outer walls.
• Because of quake damage, maintaining water levels has been a problem.
• Due to 2 explosions and 2 fires, outer walls of 3 reactors are severely breached (like the whole roof and most of the walls of #3)
• ALL 6 of the reactors pose varying levels of problems and concern.
• The local utility company TEPCO has a jaded history of not quite reporting the severity of situations.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

So imagine my surprise (and gag reflex) when I switched on Fox News for less than five minutes to see Doocy talking to William Tucker, author:



I paraphrase, but his assertion was thus: "Basically one reactor has a crack in it and might vent some steam, but it'll just dissipate. We've got 6000 miles of ocean between us and there's no reason for anyone in the US to panic or even be worried."

Wha-what?

Take all that exposition above along with the fact that the closest point between Japan and Sarah Palin's Alaska is 660 miles and, well, you wonder why Fox News viewers operate like barely-functional vegetables.

Drudge: Aahh! President's a Negro! / Haha! Doesn't Know Sports!

You know, if we have a black president and we say "PRESIDENT CHECKS OUT: FOCUS ON B-BALL BRACKETS..." that means "Lazy nigga rather watch b-ball than put in a day's work."

You know, if we want to make fun of (someone, our president) by claiming they know nothing about sports we say PREDICTABLE: Picks all No. 1 seeds for Final Four...

So our president's not only lazy, but he doesn't know sports. Haha! Loser!

Wait, that first link says he'd rather watch sports. But that second link insinuates he's not spending enough time on sports.

Maybe the racist contrarians should send out a memo to get their story straight. Maybe Mike Drudge should send one to himself.

Today in Reality...

The homosexual agenda is being pushed through anti-bullying efforts. (here)

Teachers have it easy - half days and summers off. (any RW-AM)

Jesus and/or Gaia caused the tragedy in Japan (Beck!)

Japan deserves it because of Pearl Harbor (seriously, don't look [new hobby - trolling people who tweet about Pearl Harbor - check the Twitter feed on the right!)

Just because nuclear plants in Japan are going haywire, it's still way better than those dirty solar panels and wind turbines. (Hannity)

We can control our immigration problem ...by shooting immigrants like pigs from helecoptors (here)

Gingrich still had a bunch of affairs, Mitt still passed Romneycare, and Palin is still a moron.

Just sayin'

Unfortunate Shark Logo

Squint a little then ask why Shark wants to steam your vag.

Wisconsin: Template for the Fall of America

Every time I think Republicans can get no lower, I am not surprised when they beat out my expectation and take another dip. What happened in Wisconsin yesterday was a swan dive straight into hell.

Here's how it went down:

• Gov. Walker takes power, immediately gives corporations big tax cuts.
• Gov. Walker suddenly has a money problem.
• Gov. Walker & Repubs craft "budget" bill that strips public employee unions of right to collectively bargain (gov't control of wages, basically).
• Gov. Walker shouts to the heavens that it is about the budget, not about busting unions.
• Union workers protest over proposed bill.
• Senate Democrats realize if they all leave, there will be no quorum, no vote, and bill cannot pass.
• Senate Democrats must leave the state and shack up in Illinois because Gov. says he could "compel" them to the capitol (Read: worst episode of Cops evar)
• Workers continue protest.
• Gov. takes fake "Koch" call, reveals he is underhanded goon, wants to trick Dems into coming back.
• Gov. says It's about the budget!
• Gov. discusses bounty hunters to get the Dems back.
• THEN: Breaking the legally-binding meeting rules, Republicans strip the bill of spending (therefore don't need a quorum) and pass the bill without Democrats.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Yes, the same Republicans who look at the health care bill as being shoved down their throats just practiced some of the most dirty, underhanded, illegal politics ever seen. These are not just crafty, clever, or manipulative elected officials - these are terrible people who lied, cheated, and finally weaseled their way through to breaking the unions for the *sole purpose* of decimating a source of finance for the Democratic Party and sticking their middle finger up the ass of the American Public Employee.

Doc Thompson in for Glenn Beck skimmed over the video of the committee vote and lied to his listeners, saying there was a Democrat from the Senate who came back (It was a House Democrat presenting rules). Rush Limbaugh managed to call teachers lazy bums and protesters bullying mobs in the first couple minutes.

And the best thing to see is the people in Wisconsin get PISSED. Someone better. These are the first dominoes in the Republican master plan of Corporate Wealth-ocracy ruling over the proles. If you're not in Ohio or Idaho - where it's already happened - and not in Wisconsin, keep the TV on. It's coming. And if you're not part of a union? Head over your shoulder, there - you're next.

Vans to Burn and Eat You (Dragons!)

Awwww hellyeah. I got some ass-kickin' dragon van murals, baby. Day gonna heat you up, chew you up and -- okay, I'll shut up now. I don't even know if that was a dialect or not. Here's your vans:


Dragon Fight!



Dragonized Van gonna eat you!



"It's the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker.'"



I don't know what the hell this is, but I guess it looks kinda like a dragon? Even though it's Lucky Sea Story? (maybe short for seagulling?)

STOP the Lies About Offshore Drilling!

I know that in Sean Hannity's superlative wet dream, God comes down from the Heavens to his second home - the USA - and cracks the crust of the Earth all about us to extract oil, pitch it in perfect drums and place it on the White House lawn.

Yay! Oil independence from the rest of the world! We win because of Jesus! Unicorns farting rainbows abound!


The sad truth is that even if we open up ALL drilling EVERYWHERE in the USA, we probably wouldn't see a whole lot of change, let alone energy independence.

Here's a short short version of how the process goes:

• Oil Drilling Company contacts the USA government and says "We think there's oil here."
• US grants them exploratory rights.
• After a few years, studies are concluded, and the Oil Drilling Company has found something viable. They purchase lease rights and plop down a few billion for a drilling rig.
• Crude magic happens, pumping, barreling, etc.
• Oil Drilling Company sells it to an Oil Refining Company or refines it themselves.
• Refining company splits crude into the most viable end products, sells some down the line, sells fuel to a Gasoline Company.
• Gasoline company sells to affiliates.
• We put gas in our car.

And here's why the right wing rhetoric of "US drilling = Energy Independence" = Bullshit

• Drilling rights only put a little bit of coin in USA's pocket.
• (We do NOT own the oil that comes from our land.)
• Oil Drilling Companies sell their crude to an Oil Refining Company at the best price they can get.
• Refining companies sell their products (gasoline) for the best price they can get.

The Entire Argument is Anathema to All Conservatism!
The only reason we talk about countries like Saudi Arabia as "oil-rich" is because they have government-run oil companies (we have a reserve because at some point the government bought up a shitload and put it in a garage somewhere). If the USA wanted to own the oil drilled on our land, they would need to create drilling, refining, and gasoline companies all owned by the governemnt - in order to remove ourselves from the much-lauded "free-market" system for a controlled price of oil - and ignore any sort of fair bidding to potential service providers.

But the additional problem here is that even if, in my opening paragraph, God came down and turned every drop of oil into gasoline, we wouldn't have that much. I mean, sure, we'd have a lot, but it would be finite.


The Bigger Argument

The bigger problem we're facing with Big Oil is that it is, precisely, big oil. And it acts like it is infinite. But it is NOT. And one day, Hannity's SUV is going to run out of gas and he won't have enough money to buy more (if there is any more).

I understand that Conservo-Repubs are in the pocket of the corporations, but open your eyes! Drilling here will do NOTHING. Eventually it will all run out. That's why we use the word "sustainable." It will hurt you too.

So why are conservative folks arguing against renewable energy when their current fav is going to eventually leave them poor before going away? It's not totally cost-effective yet but that's because it's relatively new. Do they truly want the rich to get richer? Are they looking for a global epidemic of destruction? Can they not wean from the reach-around they get from Oil Companies? Do they enjoy their nipples rubbed with baby oil?

Let me put forth two options:

1. In the USA, we take a sober look at gasoline and alternative energies and slowly transition as quickly as possible.
2. In the USA, we ignore the warning signs, play along with "all is good here" and one day it spikes and then runs out. Millions - billions - die in the chaos.

#2 will happen to much of the world (hehe #2). It's going to take someone everyone else calls crazy to see the reality and perhaps just save the lives of millions.

Thank you President Obama.

Middle East DoubleNewSpeak Headache

I was listening to some nondescript AM dial goon today and heard the same thing we've been hearing from the right since Egypt erupted, and now Lybia:

Just because you don't care for a dictator and in the scheme of things they're kind of a horrible person, not-so-friendly to US interests, plenty of human rights violations, bit of a ego-douchebag does NOT mean you can just go in there and take him out. We have no right to force our design or opinions on them. What about the stability of the Middle East? Who's going to move into power? What about our ties with Israel? What about the oil for chrissakes?


Oh, wait. No. Sorry. That was my sentiment before we invaded Iraq. (I'd add Afghanistan, but that was kind of a fucksmack of a whole country because we thought one dude was hiding there and we can't even fart in the direction of Saudi Arabia.)


I guess the fact that they sound so similar is proof positive that we don't really want brown people to have freedom or liberty. We just want to sell them bombs.

Driving Libs Crazy #64: USA Nomba-Won Tough Guy

[UPDATE: Badger reminded me about the Crazy on Facebook. Thanks!]

Been following the 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy (click that "crazy drive" tag at the bottom to see the goodies) and mostly it's been foolishness. Okay, it's ALL been foolishness. I just grab and showcase the ones that lay out teh stupids inherent in the Conservative Condition™.

Give them another reason why Obama has GOT to go.

He doesn't think America's anything special. No really, he doesn't. Quote: "I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism." In other words: everybody's special. Tell your friend that, with his Barney the Dinosaur egalitarian worldview of everybody being special, Obama ought to be a kindergarten teacher, leading the kids in non-competitive, non-judgmental songs, not the leader of the free world.

This is a prime example of laying bare the cognitive and logical deficiency that is Conservatism: blind, faith-like fanaticism.

The Quote

I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism.

Wait, you don't believe that something's the best just because you're part of it? You don't believe USA is the best because by fate or chance or God you are President of our fair land? *applause*

The Argument

What the conservative argument is is we believe in our own exceptionalism and that's valid (Woohoo! #1!), but every other country's own feeling of national pride and exceptionalism is really just joke-shop fake shit because our exceptionalism is the TRUE exceptionalism. WTF?

If I'm not mistaken, the Barney the Dinosaur worldview has a few backers, like God, Jesus, Buddha. You know, those radical liberal goons.

It's Chinese Boob Squish Friday!

You don't need to understand English to get this commercial. Sound effects are priceless. No nipples, but probably NSFW.

WI Cops: Smarter Than the Average Bear

Wisconsin Senate Republicans want to have those durn Dems arrested. Police association says NO.

Don't the Repubs read? The Dems left the state because that voids the "compel them" clause if they flee.

But aside from that, this is probably how the convo worked out.

R-SEN: Go arrest those Dems!

COPS: Yeah. No.

R-SEN: The power of Legislature compels you!

COPS: But it's written right here we can't compel them.

R-SEN: But you can!

COPS: Uh, we're Wisconsin cops. We can't go gangbusters into Illinois and drag them out. That's illegal. You would need the FBI.

R-SEN: But the FBI is run by a black man in a white house.

COPS: Is that some sort of "eagle flies west" code?

R-SEN: Nevermind. So, just hypothetically, *wink* if they WERE in Wisconsin, would you go get in your big, strong cop car and hunt down those whiny, wobbly wittle Demmies?

COPS: Please don't touch my thigh. So you're asking if we would forcibly compel Democrats to return to the capitol so you can have a vote to pass a bill that will ruin public employee livelihood in an underhanded trade to give rich companies tax breaks?

R-SEN: Aww, COPS, you have such a way with words. But you're exempt. I mean, uh, yeah, kinda.

COPS: And how long until I'm next? You hold the gavel. Stick it up your ass. Then find another gavel and pound it in before I find a way to fit my foot up there.

R-SEN: Ooh, really?

COPS: Fuck off.

Or maybe that's how it should've been.

In Short: Conservative DoublePlusBackSpeak

Seems Eric Holder used the phrase "my people" outside the confines of his one allotted negro month. Black Nationalist! shouts the right (Glenn Beck). Radical!

But when Ohio Gov. Kasich addressed the head of the Ohio Black Caucus in regard to hiring ANY minority with "I don't need your people," well, he just meant Democrats.

Ooh! Ooh! Let's do another one!

When the Tea Party rallies, it's called representation. When Nazi and hate rhetoric shows up, they were obviously Democrat plants.

When public workers stand up for their rights and try to preserve unions as the only card they have to play when things get tough, they are bullying rioters who won't let lawmakers do their jobs. One Hitler reference (image missing) and the liberals and the unions have completely lost it.


Whee! Let's do more some other time!

Take it Back: I am Hilarious in Iraq

I was lamenting my lack of recent quality photoshops and then I realized: I've got a backlog that started even before I was blogging. OMG! So here's the first in an erratically-appearing series called Take it Back. And, of course, click the Photoshop tag at the bottom of the post to see other things I've posted in the past.

First one's a little rough (read:artifacted), but we're starting from the beginning.


This, of course, is the Ice Cream Mines of Southern Gumdrop Province, Iraq, where ice cream headaches are all-too common amongst these obviously exploited children.

In Short: Government Pushing Apocalypse?

Okay, I get Glenn Beck peddling food insurance, bringing out the crazy, end of the world bullshit to sell gold and backpacks full of freeze-dried food that'll last 10 years. But this video is from a .gov website:



Are they trying to tell us something?

In Short: Hannity's Arguments Trumped

Sean Hannity, king of the Awww Shucks I Don't Know About All That Elitist Learnin Republicans, was on the radios yesterday talking to the King of the Combover, Mr. Trump, who is apparently running for POTUS in 2012.

The thing I found strange (strange like if I suddenly shit jar of pickled haddock) was what was coming out of Trump's mouth, completely unimpeded by standard, right wing talking points.

Among these, Trump stated:

• America cannot compete with China
• China is taking all our jobs
• The USA is not producing much
• China's buyout of America IS happening in a vacuum

Had any of these things been spouted by a liberal, Sean would've gone into Robo-Republican mode: "No, you're wrong", [insert false talking point], "if it's free market, how can it be wrong?", *hang up*, "You know, it's just like those liberal elite..."

But not the Trumpster.

Hannity biases. You decide.

Meat Car

Problem With Eastern Protests? Geometry!

This is Tahrir Square




This is Pearl Square



Neither appears to have straight lines or corners. I say: first geometry, then freedom!

GOP Still All Up in the Lady Parts

Seriously, check this shit out:

Georgia state Rep. Bobby Franklin (R) has made a name for himself by introducing far-right extremist bills. He has introduced legislation barring the state from requiring vaccinations, eliminating income taxes and replacing them with nothing, and requiring state taxpayers to only pay in gold or silver.

Now, he has introduced what may be his most offensive and extreme bill yet. Last week he unveiled HB 1, which would, as the parenting blog Babble explains, "require proof that a miscarriage occured naturally." If proof could not be provided, the mother could face "felony charges."

Jesus Christ in a neon rubber thong, what are these Republicans playing at? The tide turns their way - which it naturally does cyclically - and they think they are channeling God's personal mission to jail and harm women. Only someone without a uterus would have the ignorant balls to bring this up as a conversation piece, let alone introduce legislation to the fact.

Who do you think? The Libyans!

The true speed of Libyan democracy?



88mph

Yous Likes 'em Short or Long?

Here's a question to which I would really like some feedback:

Do you enjoy the "Read More >>" function for its ease of perusing several titles in one quick stream or is it kind of a pain in the ass when you get to something good to click that and go to a separate page only to click the back button when you're done?

Looks like Google (Blogger) implemented that a while back and it escaped my notice.

Whatcha think?