Monday, July 28, 2008

Hope: It Could Happen to You

Winner "Funniest" for Obama in 30 Seconds contest and potential first political ad seen on MTV for this election cycle. The other option is John McCain lying about a bunch of shit.

Which brings in the real question: can McCain even play for the MTV crowd? Does the man who yells at the kid to get off his lawn get the kid's vote?



Saturday, July 26, 2008

Girls + Boys = Babies! Or Something About Math

In a recent study, it was revealed that girls and boys are equally good at math.

Great.

Next they'll be wearing pants and running for president.


Woah, put down the scimitars! Joking!

Seriously, as a former teacher and father with a 12-year-old daughter, I am well aware of the social structures in place that cause girls to dumb themselves down, to not raise their hand, to giggle "Um..." when they know the answer. In 1994 Teen Talk Barbie's words: "Math is hard!"

This is great news from both a social and psychological perspective, a good example that dominance is not just the domain juiced muscles or misplaced male aggression.

But it may yet require pants.

Stop! It's bleeding!

Kucinich Gets His Day

You will not hear a five-second audio clip about this on any major news network, and the Democratic party is too busy tucking its figurative penis between its legs.

Kucinich gets reelected every time because he goes to bat for his constituents and if you live in his district, you know he is working for you, not just on your dime like much of congress. And perhaps if the rest of congress pulled its head out of its ass and rocked the boat a bit, did what they were elected to do, they'd have an approval rating a little higher than abysmal.

Thank you Dennis, and thank you Real News Network.



Friday, July 25, 2008

Putz's Creamy Whip

Would you eat Putz's Creamy Whip?

Putz's Creamy Whip

I would. Actually, I will. I ran across this photo serendipitously, almost laughed beer out my nose, and then did it again when I found Putz's lives 20 minutes from my house! (map - to Put'z, not my house, silly). They're on the web, and are so popular locally that the street they're on was renamed Putz Place.

How did this gem escape me? Nevermind. Thank you internets.

I will report back. You know, just like when I eventually go to the Creation Museum, also 20 minutes from my house.

UPDATE:

Conversation with a friend of mine, the day after the post:

RICKY: So how do I get to your house again?
FRIEND: I'll give you the address, just Google it.
RICKY: (Googling) Oh, okay, yeah -
FRIEND: It's just -
RICKY: Shit. West Fork. Holy crap. Have you ever been to Putz's?
FRIEND: Yeah, used to babysit for their kids.
RICKY: [brain pops]

WTF, dude?

China's Safe! Yay!



How do you make sure everyone feels safe at the Olympics? If you're China, while people are still grumbling about the pollution, you shout: Hay, we just stopped the terr'ists! Yay!
Shanghai police have broken up an international terrorist group that had planned to attack an Olympic football preliminary match in the city, state news agency Xinhua said on Thursday.

Right. Best quote: "We have staged raids...."

I bet you have.

Do It Live McCain Remix

Ah, Crooks and Liars.

Ah, Break.

Ah, internets.


http://view.break.com/542113 - Watch more free videos

Send Rove to Jail

Go to Send Karl Rove to Jail, and sign a petition that's already over 100,000 strong.



Thursday, July 24, 2008

Ben Stein: Continuing a Legacy of WTF

I remember almost two years ago when I thought Ben Stein was a pretty hep cat, and then one day I realized he was an idiot tool for the right wing.

He's still out shucking eye drops - and ignorance.

Media Matters brought the following to my attention:
On the July 23 edition of CNN Headline News' Glenn Beck, guest Ben Stein, while discussing Sen. Barack Obama's plan to deliver his speech accepting the Democratic presidential nomination at Denver's Invesco Field, stated that he did not "like the idea of Senator Obama giving his acceptance speech in front of 75,000 wildly cheering people" because "[t]hat is not the way we do things in political parties in the United States of America." Stein continued: "Seventy-five-thousand people at an outdoor sports palace, well, that's something the Fuehrer would have done. And I think whoever is advising Senator Obama to do this is bringing up all kinds of very unfortunate images from the past."
Sour fucking grapes.

No, Ben, it's not "the way we do things" in US politics because people look at politics with shades of ennui and disdain: they think it's boring and bullshit and 24-hour C-SPAN and in the back rooms they plot and plan and figure out how to rape and pillage America. The fact that any person in American politics could get 75,000 people not only excited enough to talk about going to see him, but to actually mobilize and fill a goddamned stadium is amazing in a world with a six second attention span.

My history professor in college said that you can tell a lot about a civilization by the largest areas of congregation that it constructs. Ancient Rome had the Coliseum; The Dark Ages brought wonder to the masses with churches and cathedrals; Today, it's NASCAR. Seriously.

And a man who stakes his career on his supposed intelligence is comparing Barack Obama to Hitler - forget the discussion, forget Godwin's Law, right out the fucking gate: well, he's Hitler.

But while the reference was obviously to Hitler, I can't quite wrap my head around Ben's word choice: the Fuehrer. I understand he probably understood he was making a dick move and wanted to soften the blow, but "Fuehrer" is German for "leader," noun capitalization and all.

So in an obvious move to demonize Barack Obama (oddly, by referencing a man who would have killed Barack Obama based solely on his skin color), Mr. Stein inadvertently called Barack Obama a leader and - a man of Jewish heritage himself - referred to the monster that annihilated millions of of that Jewish heritage by Hitler's honorary name, der Fuehrer.

Ben Stein: today - and every day - Cause For Concern's Pet WTF Tool.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Weighted Companion Cube

I spend a good deal of my "free time" playing video games, but my enjoyment for series like Final Fantasy lead me to being a little behind (I own but have not finished FFXII, God of War II, Kingdom Hearts for PS2). And then I went and bought an Xbox 360. I got the Orange Box (game). I played Portal.

Weighted companion cube

Stage 17 - Never Forget.

[sigh]

UPDATE:
look at me still talking
when there's science to do...

UPDATE II:
Not to be too dense, the words above are lyrics displayed from the original musical recording played while the lyrics and credits run after you complete the game. The following video is a recording of the finishing song. Creepy and hilarious.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!



This game was one of my top 5 ever, a black comedy that I have yet to conclude (after finishing, I still have achievements and advanced levels to beat).

And please, should anyone read the words "black comedy" and feel the urge to play the game and write a script, either quell that urge with beautiful booze or put a bullet in your head.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

McCain's Geography



For those of you unaware of some of the nuance of the geography of the Middle East,

Iraq Pakistan Border

...Iraq and Pakistan do not, in fact, actually touch.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Limbaugh: Rich Fat Fuck Strikes Again

Rush Limbaugh is a Pig Butt

Rush Limbaugh, against whom I regularly rail, is at it again. Or was. Last Tuesday, I caught this little diatribe:
Senator Bob Casey from Pennsylvania, who I charitably will say is an order of fries short of a Happy Meal, is sitting there reading a letter from a constituent to Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, and anybody else watching on television in the room, and he summed it up here in one sentence. The letter was from Tammy May, not Fannie Mae, not Freddie Mac, Tammy May, a single mother of two living in Pennsylvania. This is what he read of her letter to him: "We have to reprioritize. House comes first, then day care, then gasoline, then food." This constituent of Bob Casey's put food last on her list of new priorities. Bob Casey reads this, and obviously what he's trying to do here is milk what's going on out there as a national disaster.

What does he fail to mention? She has a job. This is not an unemployed woman. This is a woman who has a job, but she can't figure out how to live her life on her own so she needs Senator Casey and the Democrats to figure it out for her. Well, she's figured it out, but she wants them to make her do it, which is even sadder, when you get right down to it. When you prioritize things, just think about this. If you were going to write Senator Bob Casey a letter and tell him that we need to reprioritize things in life, where would you put food?
Rush continued to laugh at a woman who's obviously not only poor but too stupid to know what order things come in.

But Rush Limbaugh, sweating about his gold-thread codpiece, is a bit blind to the way the world works. So here it is for you, Rush, you ignorant slut:
  1. House - If you don't have a house, you don't have shelter, or an address. Without an address it is relatively difficult to get a job of any sort, which you so graciously point out as though it were a big deal that Tammy May is not unemployed.
  2. Day care - Unlike the nanny that you have keeping an eye on the 11 year old male prostitute from the Dominican Republic, real people need to find real solutions to avoid negligence of children. If Tammy May wants to hold a 9-5 job, she needs to pay someone, probably a good piece of her income, to watch her children while she works.
  3. Gas - Although it doesn't affect you, dick, gas is a very real issue for real people. If Tammy May can't afford or continue to afford to purchase gas, she cannot drive her kids to day care, cannot drive to her job, and will lose one, perhaps eventually both because she cannot afford...
  4. Food - 1, 2, and 3 are necessities to keeping a roof over her head and a job. Without those things, food is moot.
Rush, you foul your mouth and get worked up about the welfare state and here we have a prime example of a woman, busting her ass, playing by the rules, stretched and writing a letter to her representative to say "hey, just so you're aware, it's fucking tough out here." And Rush laughs, because he's ignorant and he's an asshole. If there was one single example of the character he lacks, this is it.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Sean Tevis for State Rep in Kansas

If you haven't heard, Sean Tevis, an information architect and fan of XKCD is running for State Representative in Kansas. For good reason.

Sean Tevis for Kansas State Representative

"No candidate for state representative in Kansas has ever had more than 644 donors."

As of this post, Sean has received 4,662 donations, which is more than 7 times the record.

This is not just activism, it is responsibilitism, not affecting the outcome from outside, but stepping inside to be the change. Thank God for Sean Tevis.

Be a part of history for less than $10.

Peter Murphy - A Strange Kind of Love

I have a very broad taste when it comes to music and film, but there are few artists that I absolutely revere. Movies example: Gary Oldman (Beethoven, Dracula, pimp, Dimmesdale, Zorg, Sirius...).

When it comes to music, there is one that few can match: Peter Murphy. Enjoy.



Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Will Possess Your Heart

Death Cab for Cutie. If you don't know, you should. Thank tasty PoliTits for this one.



Sean Hannity, Assclown: A Photoshop Perspective

Well, since I promised and I occasionally deliver on promises, here you have...

Hannity as an Ass Clown

Please say hello to Sean Hannity, Assclown, and Mouthy, the Angry Liberal-Eater On A Stick.

I will allow you to enjoy for yourselves the nuance but should point out that the ass-crack in his forehead is not actually natural.

Comments/critiques always welcome.

Doggie Lullabye



I can be sappy sometimes too...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Bush Brand Shocker

Bush Shows Vertical Insertion

"And when he bends over the couch, I have to stick my finger in John McCain's ass like this," he pantomimed.

OR

Apropos of nothing, Bush broke his usual cool to shout "I will fuck Angela Merkel right here, right now, in front of all y'all! I'll eat her pussy on this podium," he said, pointing to it. Obviously flustered, President Bush attempted to break the sudden tension by leaning forward and quipping "Y'all like alliteration, right?" At which point an slow and quiet "ziiiip" could barely be heard as the hooker in the podium fished for a cocktail wiener.

OR

...I welcome your captions.

Microsoft Boo-Hoo's Over Google Ads

Internet Explorer Death Star

Microsoft is calling shenanigans over Yahoo outsourcing their ad service to Google, culminating in an internet ad share of 90% between Google and Yahoo. Isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think?

Boo-fucking-hoo.

Perhaps if Microsoft could do anything with the internet except provide a browser for it, perhaps if they dropped all the wasted resources to create web applications to be just like Google, perhaps if they could adequately convey what the hell is going on between MSN and MS Live, then perhaps they could have allocated those resources to improving their own paid ad platform, which sucks so much balls that they're left with less than 10% of the market.

Microsoft: Yahoo-Google is not necessarily fair, but stop whining about something you suck at; if you were any good, you'd be sitting happy at 30-50%. Please note: If Windows 7 sucks as badly as Vista, your core business my be at risk of serious decline.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The One Machine

The One Machine

"Danger, Will Robin- hhhkkkth..."

"Resistance is futile."

Every computer will one day be a part of the collective; they will one day surpass the collective brainpower of humanity; they will be connected by the internet.

Forget SkyNet. Hell, even SkyNet only jacked a (all) military computer(s) [omg - can't wait for season 2 of Sarah Connor Chronicles!]. When we get to the One Machine, should it gain consciousness, we will be done. Even now, most of humanity's records could be wiped out by well-placed EMPs.

But, I guess by then - hell, even now we're so intertwined with tech and the internet and servers that we're already co-habitating, already symbiotic. End the internet and we're chewing sticks and shooting each other for ...those sticks. Or canned food, for a while. Then twinkies.

Stock up on duct tape. Guns. Melee weapons...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Obama New Yorker Cover - WTF?

Obama New Yorker Cover

What the fuck?

Obama campaign is pissed. McCain nods in agreed outrage - or perhaps foreplay to sleep as he hugged his teddy and began immediately snoring.

At first blush, I thought it clever satire, and then this quote smacked me in the ass:
Chicago Tribune columnist Clarence Page told CNN's "Reliable Sources" on Sunday that the cover "is just lampooning all the crazy ignorance out there."
Aye, there's the rub. The satire or "lampooning" is clever to clever (or at least educated) people. It opens the conversation to those who like to pine intellectual about the political ramifications of the upcoming election. No one else.

The ignorant people out there, those who don't have access to the New Yorker/wouldn't read the New Yorker anyway/cannot read, will glance at the cover on the national section of the evening news, confirm their conviction, and mumble something about gangs, negroes, or Muslims. And perhaps, in their own version of clever, will combine all three into a racially-charged aphorism that'll make their friends spit Budweiser out their nose.

Er, MGD. Dincha'ear? Faggy Bud sold out to them Europeans.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Cornstarch Awesomeness

From BoingBoing via Neatorama, this is a cornstarch and water mix on a metal sheet on a subwoofer. How did that thought process evolve? Who cares. Behold: super-awesomeness -



Gramm's "Whiners" Video

If you haven't seen Phil Gramm's (John McCain's super-buddy) saying that nothing is as bad as everyone says it is, that America is a nation of whiners, here you go (yay America Blog!) -



I keep hearing that from Rush too. Why is it that rich, white Republican nutters have absolutely no awareness of the trouble middle and lower class folks are having?

Because they're rich and do not have to associate with - let alone talk about - the proletariat. The only solace is that when we hear them talk we can hear America collectively sigh and reply "what a fucking moron."

Clarity: I'm not mad at the rich, but frustrated with the laissez-faire, let-them-eat-cake attitude and the cognitive pattern of a 3 year old that says "I'm fat and happy so everyone must fat and be happy! Let's clap!"

Us, Israel, Iraq, Iran

Just to be clear: we're using a country we invaded and are now occupying to give the nod to Israel to stretch their military legs (all three) and practice for a military strike against Iran which will most certainly start another war for which we are not equipped but will certainly become a part.

Either there is some sort of upper-echelon illuminati thing going on or Bush sees us in the Middle East as a kegger: "Hey, it's all good, come on over - byo bombs! Just kiddin' we've got tons more if you need them."

Quick recap: either we or Israel attack Iran and the fold-in begins: China dumps its currency and activates 300,000 troops, crippling us economically, dwarfing us militarily; Russia jumps in on their side with North Korea. And we're done. Because we're already barely managing two fronts - a third would knock us down and 2 new world power enemies would be very, very bad. And once the rest of the world sees us knocked down a peg, it's open season gangbang time.

Every day it's closer. Get your duct tape.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Those Crazy Black Republicans

Michael Steele Shills for the GOP

Oooh, item! Michael Steele showed up in my inbox today (naughty!) shilling for the GOP. I guess we should up the black Republican count to three now.

Michael Steele,

You do realize that if half the GOP lived their sweetest, purest dreams, you'd be their pool boy? Or driver? Or cook - if they didn't mind black people cooking their food?

Final thought: I know rich Democrats; I know struggling Democrats; I know rich Republicans; I know of no struggling Republicans. Says a lot.

Little Green Army Men Project

Green Army Men Project

From i-Report:
Mrs. Graves' World History class at Flagler Palm Coast High School is working on a memorial project. They are collecting one little green plastic army man figure for each of the fallen troops in the Iraqi War. It was a lesson started after reading about a class doing something similar for holocaust survivors in Tennessee. This was designed to give the students a better concept of the numbers lost in the war. Also, a way to memorialize them. Each student was allowed to donate one figure, and then they had to get donations of the rest as a way of getting community involvement. Donations have come from as far away as New Jersey and Arizona. The project is in need of more army men donations, as well as pictures of the personnel listed above the display, which is in the main hallway of the high school. The students will continue adding to the memorial as long as necessary, and then maintain the memorial as a lasting tribute to the fallen, but not forgotten. This was designed not as a statement of what is "right" or "wrong" with the war. It is a way to show that it is more than just numbers or names, but memories of people who served with integrity, courage, and honor. This project is about the people, not the politics. Donations of plastic army men or pictures of fallen personnel may be sent to:
Mrs. Mimi Graves
C/0 Flagler Palm Coast High School
5500 E. Hwy. 100
Palm Coast, FL 32164

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Hey, About that Timeline...

Grumble grumble grumble, quip the administration. Cheese-eating traitor-monkey, grumbles talk radio. How about 100 years, cheeses McBush. How dare you talk about a timeline for withdrawal!
Iraq's national security adviser said Tuesday his country will not accept any security deal with the United States unless it contains specific dates for the withdrawal of U.S.-led forces.
Oh shit. They not only realize we're binding them but want to actually throw off the chains. Could we potentially start a war with the unripened fruits of our war simply because we didn't want to stop playing war?

Or we could leave and free up those troops for the upcoming war with Iran.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Hannity Shenanigans - Douchebaggery!

Hannity Shenanigans. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

I'm listening right now to the douchbaggery we all know and love as Sean Hannity's radio show. He just asked a caller who brought up Bush's approval rating to name "one significant, meaningful accomplishment" that the US Congress - which apparently has a lower rating than Bushbag - has achieved. The caller responded that Congress raised minimum wage. Hannity hit back: "I said a significant, meaningful accomplishment." Caller repeated "minimum wage." And then Sean switched it up to Minimum wage? They've been in power two years and that's all they've done?"

If your brain shut off at Sean's name, he just asked for a single significant accomplishment and when that was met said one was not enough.

Sean went on to talk to another caller who wanted to discuss Obama's support of criminals who have paid their debt to society and need to start again. "Okay, he supports felons" was what Sean immediately turned it into. What the fuckery?

ugh...need to stop today...just said Obama "has nothing of core values or beliefs."

In honor of this idiocy and twistaroundery, I'm working on a photoshop of "Hannity as Assclown."

Coming soon.

Monday, July 07, 2008

And So I'm Back, From Outer Space - Post-4th Action

Fireworks

Happy belated 4th of July where, just like the rest of America, you can celebrate your right to sit still in your camping chair and observe the big fireworks but not legally participate in their creation or explosion. Awww, don't be sad. Here: you're allowed to have a sparkler.

But, hey, let's not get all down on America on America's birthday (I said "get all down" - of course we'll go down on her later), the midwives of our country like Washington and Franklin and Hancock didn't know what kind of douchebags would be running the country some 200 years later. Instead, let's celebrate America:


America Rules England Sucks - Watch more free videos

Amen, SuperJesus.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Applesauce Hay!

I'm out of town, for the holiday weekend, but the umbilical will still feed me by either my parents' broadband or with mobile blogging, through the ether.

Have a great 4th. I'll miss you.



Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Buchanan and Hate: Late, Ignorant, Dobson-Lovin' Rant-o-Rama

In an article that appeared in my inbox today, I was dumbfounded by the late-to-the-party article put forth by Pat Buchanan in which he supported the bigot Dobson and slammed Obama:
"Even ... if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States ... whose Christianity would we teach in the schools? Would we go with James Dobson's or with Al Sharpton's?"

Barack was saying that, since Christians disagree deeply over what is biblical truth, why fight? Let us "try to translate some of our concerns in a universal language so that we can have an open and vigorous debate rather than have religion divide us."

In Catholicism, this is the heresy of indifferentism, which holds that one religion is just as good as another and all religions can be a path to salvation. The Pew poll out last week reveals that 82 percent of Protestants believe there are multiple paths to salvation, as do 79 percent of Catholics and 57 percent of evangelicals.

A striking development. For did not Christ say, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me"?

Dr. Dobson is having none of it.
Instead of towing the hate line and using devisive arguments and being such a fucking tool, perhaps Buchanan should take a look at his words.

Obama is promoting unity, not the hard-line version of any specific Christianity. But as Obama approaches unity, absurdity approaches infinity, and Buchanan attacks with "In Catholicism" that's heresy! Of course it is; Catholics are supposed to believe that anyone who's not Catholic will go to hell, and even if you are Catholic, if you use birth control or swear and don't go to confession you're going to hell. Then he brings up Protestants and Evangelicals, who are only Protestants and Evangelicals because at some point in their history, they split from the Catholic Church because they didn't believe in Catholic nuance. And instead of becoming heretical, they organized their own churches, and the Evangelicals have a similar "My way or hell" attitude towards any other Christian sects - including Catholics.
For did not Christ say, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me"?
Yes, he did, and we have all these Christian sects, all of whom believe in Jesus Christ as the savior, we have Catholics and Greek Orthodox and Methodists and Lutherans and Baptists and even the fucking Amish who are all part of the sects they are part of because so many people have so many differing opinions about exactly what that quote means.

And then he supports Dobson - who is "having none of it" - as some sort of sanctimonious overlord when he's part and parcel of the whole ball of intolerance that led to these splits in the first place, these splits that Buchanan soon after magically transports to the future (as though God spawned all versions of Christianity just as they are right now) and spurned on by the two things Republicans can't stand: them damn homos and women seeking equality:
It is splitting the Episcopalians. A traditionalist minority has severed communion over female bishops and homosexual marriages.

Layer one of suck on this article is the sheer religious ignorance with which it is put forth; I have never read something so intentionally biased and twisted and intolerant and unintentionally ignorant and hypocritical, a popsicle-stick tower bound by chewed gum and scotch tape, crafted in the bowels of the incontinent and fired in a high school kiln to focus a single, shaking, ossified finger at a public figure to compliment the frothy-lipped, spittle-spouting, growling "Yoooouuuuu!"

Layer two of suck on this article is, while completely void of actual, informed content, for every one of me reading it and deconstructing it and flicking my finger and watching Achilles collapse, there are thousands upon thousands of ignorant Republicans reading that same article and nodding their heads in agreement, mumbling "Fuck yeah, damn Muslims," and passing the word at work or in the bar that Pat Buchanan even said Obama's not a good Christian.

And that is what we're fighting: ignorance. And we will continue to fight it. And it is hard and will continue to be hard because misinformation is purposefully simplistic and simplistic is easy and thinking is hard and people are busy and stressed and don't have time for hard. Or research. Or truth.

And war is complicated and war is hard and religion is complicated and religion is hard and Ay-rabs is Muslims is Terr'rists is Hatin' 'Merica is pretty fucking easy.

And Pat Buchanan should fucking know better.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Back Scratching

Back Scratcher

This is not a euphemism about something naughty or sexual or ...perhaps it should be?

No, I'm here to tell you to scratch your back. Often.

I've been living for the last few weeks with a marginally incessant itch below my left shoulder blade. Soon after discovering the itch, I remembered I had a back-scratcher - something I never thought I would use, let alone have need for but had been provided by a relative at a Christmas gathering a year or two ago.

And I scratched.

And it felt fucking amazing. I think it was a combination of a basic itch that needed to be scratched, the almost-immediate resolution of something that should have been me back-humping the floor, the actual scratching, and the brilliance that I attributed to myself for making myself more comfortable.

Either way, buy yourself a simple back scratcher. Scratch your own back on occasion. You'll feel better, even if you don't itch. It's the closest you'll ever get to a hug from someone else, sans said someone else: self-contentment.

No, I'm not going through the self-pleasure portal for this post. Staying practical. But stay tuned...

You-Tubery and ... MRirian/Magibon



WTF?

...and after some research, no, there is no reason. With 55,600+ subscribers to her YouTube channel, over 2.5 million views, it appears we have someone who has successfully - with the magic of anime eyes the size of dinner plates - marketed herself, marketed a username, is probably 15 years old, but has nothing to offer - except that she has anime eyes, says she's 21, and looks 15. 55K? Creepy.

This makes Andy Warhol and Baby Jesus cry.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Lorem Ipsum, Catullus, Bukowski

The traditional filler text of graphic designers and web developers does have meaning. Love it.
Neither is there anyone who loves grief itself since it is grief and thus wants to obtain it
What the fuck was Cicero talking about?

I prefer Catullus:
Advice: to himself

Sad Catullus, stop playing the fool,
and let what you know leads you to ruin, end.
Once, bright days shone for you,
when you came often drawn to the girl
loved as no other will be loved by you.
Then there were many pleasures with her,
that you wished, and the girl not unwilling,
truly the bright days shone for you.
And now she no longer wants you: and you
weak man, be unwilling to chase what flees,
or live in misery: be strong-minded, stand firm.
Goodbye girl, now Catullus is firm,
he doesn’t search for you, won’t ask unwillingly.
But you’ll grieve, when nobody asks.
Woe to you, wicked girl, what life’s left for you?
Who’ll submit to you now? Who’ll see your beauty?
Who now will you love? Whose will they say you’ll be?
Who will you kiss? Whose lips will you bite?
But you, Catullus, be resolved to be firm.


...which leads me to Bukowski:
one thirty-six a.m.

I laugh sometimes when I think about
say
Céline at a typewriter
or Dostoevsky...
or Hamsun...
ordinary men with feet, ears, eyes,
ordinary men with hair on their heads
sitting there typing words
while having difficulties with life
while being puzzled almost to madness.

Dostoevsky gets up
he leaves the machine to piss,
comes back
drinks a glass of milk and thinks about
the casino and
the roulette wheel.

Céline stops, gets up, walks to the
window, looks out, thinks, my last patient
died today, I won't have to make any more
visits there.
when I saw him last
he paid his doctor bill;
it's those who don't pay their bills,
they live on and on.
Céline walks back, sits down at the
machine
is still for a good two minutes
then begins to type.

Hamsun stands over his machine thinking,
I wonder if they are going to believe
all these things I write?
he sits down, begins to type.
he doesn't know what a writer's block
is:
he's a prolific son-of-a-bitch
damn near as magnificent as
the sun.
he types away.

and I laugh
not out loud
but all up and down these walls, these
dirty yellow and blue walls
my white cat asleep on the
table
hiding his eyes from the
light.

he's not alone tonight
and neither am
I.


We're gonna need a bigger beer.

Apocalyptica

Sometimes I find myself as the "new guy" to something I think I should've known about. Thus is my knowledge of Apocalyptica: playing in a bike shop down the road, someone commented on the music - Nothing Else Matters by Metallica, but done with cellos - saying "Is this Apocalyptica?"

What what?

Here is the video.

BBC Goatse ...SFW

This video is completely SFW, a clip from the BBC. But before you see it, if you do not know goatse, you need to do something not necessarily safe for work: a Google Image Search for "goatse.jpg" - filters off - and prepare to be horrified. You'll know when you've found the right one. You will also see that this image has spawned many homages and sightings. Then mark your calendar for your first goatse, bookmark it to horrify your friends, and go take a shower.

Now that I've ruined the internets for you, enjoy the video.



...next week, tub girl? 2 girls 1 cup?

Friday, June 27, 2008

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Yes. Yes, it is.



...and something completely tasteless to go along with it...



Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Is Your Mayo Gay?

Bunch of pussies over at Heinz. I think the spot is cute.



And for the love of all things holy: No, that is not Robert De Nero, but it would've been even better if it was.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

James Dobson Attacks Obama, Round II

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fire Footbag Fun

Why hasn't anyone tried to marry footbags and fire before now?



Danger + fun = super fun! No, really. I want one.

Freedom Footbags via DVICE.

Monday, June 23, 2008

What I'm Reading Now - Perdido Street Station

Perdido Street Station

One of my close friends told me, 5 or 6 years ago, that I needed to read Perdido Street Station. 4 years ago, he hunted down China Miéville, from whom he purchased a copy, who wrote on the title page:
To [Ricky],

For God's sake, man,
listen to your friend,

Imploringly,
China Miéville

If only I'd known.
    What are you doing here, so far from home? thought Isaac with wonder. Look at the color of you: you're from the desert! You must have come miles and miles, from the Cymek. What the spit are you doing here, you impressive fucker?
    He almost shook his head with awe at the great predator before he cleared his throat and spoke.
    "Can I help you?"

Tasty, in all it's flavors. I should've done this long ago.

36 pages, and I can't wait for the next 10 minutes of free time.

China: Amen.

What I Just Read - Siddhartha

Maybe not done yet tonight...

Siddhartha

Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. And yet it also pleases me and seems right that what is of value and wisdom to one man seems nonsense to another.
Beauty in truth. I'm a little late to the ball on this one, but: read it.

Scientists Find Wonder Drug to Cure Shyness

It's called booze.

PSY 220, folks (or maybe Sociology?): Walk into a room of extroverts, feed them coke or meth, give them something to do, and they no longer talk to each other. That's why Ritalin and Adderall work. Walk into a room of shy introverts, have 'em put away a few Tequizas or goofballs, and they're fucking Chatty Cathy dolls.

The real article, if you're interested in showing to a job interview without Jameson on the breath.

But, seriously, what's wrong with shy? "Cure" insinuates an affliction or disease.

Cure also insinuates Robert Smith.

...which insinuates introverts.

What the fuck?

I'm done.

No, not forever, just today.

George Carlin, 1937 - 2008

George Carlin

I've been listening for over 20 years. He influenced my sense of humor, my religious views, and gave me vision to see the absurd every single day.

George: we love you and will miss you dearly.

Papal Logic

In today's Vatican email, a little bit of papal logic:

WHO FEARS GOD IS NEVER AFRAID

Wait. What? But if they...

[sigh]

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Stephanie Mohr's Appeal - a.k.a. Money-Suckers

Because I belong to several right-wing newsletters, I receive a great deal of silly emails. The most absurd are generally from "partners" of Human Events shucking miracle cardio cures and conservative books. And then there is shameless pandering.

Stephanie Mohr, her dog, and kid

This is Stephanie Mohr, her attack dog, and her kid. According to the email:
In 1995, Mohr was answering a call for backup about two men that were burglary suspects. These two suspects, Ricardo Mendez and Herrera Cruz, who are illegal aliens, were ordered to face the wall by Mohr and several other officers. As they were ordered to do so, Mendez made a movement that Officer Mohr thought was an attempt to run.

As Mohr was trained to do, she let her police dog go. The dog chased Mendez, grabbed him on the leg, and held him. The procedure that Mohr followed to capture the suspects was within standard police guidelines.
Beep-bee (that was me beeping off the Bullshit Alarm). After some 5 years, the Civil Rights Division stepped in and said "Oh-noh-you-di-in" and she's now serving year 5 of her 10 year sentence.

Why? Well, you can get the straight story elements from Snopes:
  • Steph and her dog have quite a history of violence
  • In this case, the dog was not supposed to be released except in self-defense, and her partner wasn't supposed to beat the shit out of the other guy, either
So, perhaps Stephanie's son would be getting bedtime kisses if his mommy wasn't a bad person. Then again, we could always blame it on the patriarchy, since Stephanie's place in the phalocentric police force was probably defined by her aggressive behavior.

But the best point to be made on this email is that it's not really calling for anyone to do anything about Stephanie; she was convicted, pure and simple. The story about Stephanie is being used by the Law Enforcement Legal Defense Fund to emotionally appeal to readers and - you guessed it - make them give the LELDF money.

The real kick in the dog balls also comes from Snopes: According to a 2004 report in The Daily Record, the LELDF's "most recent filing with the state shows the fund spent about 18 cents for each dollar collected to defend police officers — up from 7.5 cents in 2000."

Shady legal defense funds, coloring criminals as victims to empty your pockets, all coming from a right-wing email. Is anyone surprised?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Ultra-Deep Field - Most Important Image Ever Taken

It's difficult sometimes to remember our place in the universe. I once had the Hubble image (or part of it), the Ultra-deep field, as my wallpaper because it allowed me to stare at something every day that could leave me paralyzed with a sense of awe.

This video walks you through the process and it's worth every minute.



Friday, June 20, 2008

Phone Sex Photo Essay

Mother Jones Phone Sex Article

Mother Jones has an amazing photo essay on the phone sex trade.

The pictures are interesting, but the words are enlightening. Enjoy.

Little Shambles Friday YouTube

Hey, let's start something else new that I won't follow up on!

Since my daughter - known to you as 12-year-old Little Shambles - is starting to fascinate herself with the internets, I thought every Friday we could take a look at what she's looking at YouTube. No, this is not from Bluecoat K9 logs, but from what she tells me she likes and looks at.

This is Fred (on Father's Day):



It is pretty damn funny, even if the speed of it almost sets off a panic attack. Allow me to counter with something I haven't poked at you yet but has been one of my pieces of wonderfulness.

Happy Tree Friends



Pastors Challenge IRS

Church America

From ABC News:
But when [Minnesota pastor Gus] Booth addressed the members of his Warroad Community Church one Sunday in May and told them, "If you are a Christian, you cannot support a candidate like Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton for president," he very much knew he was violating the law. He even wrote a letter to the IRS explaining what he had said and challenging the tax collection agency to do something about it.
Good. Roast that motherfucker.

This is a man, leader of a church, a parish, a flock, who has tangible sway over his followers, his sheep. He - or his church leaders - formed Warroad Community Church and was granted, as a privilege of the United States of America, tax exempt status as a religious organization. There was this one thing, though, that he agreed to wholeheartedly to keep all his monies: don't endorse politically. Period.

This is not to mention that Gus is blasting against the two candidates who have not been to war. This is church. This is Christianity which is based on the Commandments of Moses and pushed through the Greatest Commandments. And Thou Shalt Not Kill does not have an asterisk after it, no matter how ig/noble the war, nor does "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Strip that church. Do it now. Or we will have churches all over America pushing both ways. And we will open the floodgates to a nightmare between now and November.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Gummy Bear Song - English ...Hungarian?

So this is what the kids are doing on YouTube. In an ongoing effort to keep up with Little Shambles, if she wants to show me a video on YouTube, I'm game, and get particularly giddy when she shows me something I saw six months ago. That is not the case here.

From Wikipedia:
"I Am Your Gummy Bear (The Gummy Bear Song)" is a novelty dance song by German composer Christian Schneider and released by Gummibear International that received international and internet meme success, in part, due to its corresponding 30-second video clip.[4][5] The song has since been released in at least seven languages and has virally spread worldwide with more than 30 million plays of the corresponding videos on YouTube and MySpace.[4] With the song ready-made for ringtone use one critic commented "he's the ultimate cross-platform, cross-cultural phenomenon YouTube was designed to unleash."
You can, of course, view the magic in the English version, but I prefer its original Hungarian here ("Itt van a Gumimaci").




...then again, it's mildly reminiscent of the original Hamster Dance from about a decade ago.

30 Seconds with Craigslist

Found on Craigslist:
19 year Old cutie LOOKING FOR RIGHT now Need Grocery Funds - w4m - 19 ([Location])
Reply to: pers-724714102@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-18, 8:00PM EDT


Please no game players need to do this NOW kids dont have cereal for morning brandi NO ENDLESS EMAILS OR BS



I really don't know if I'm supposed to be amused or horribly affected. I think it's a little bit of both.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Obama, the Antichrist

Plenty of people in America don't like Obama. Some dislike his policies, some dislike that he's a Democrat, some don't like black people, and some are wondering if he's the Antichrist.

I'm not joking. Run a search on "Obama antichrist" and it will turn up a lovely slew of sites, most likely including the blog Barack Obama the Antichrist.

Unfortunately, many of the attacks we'll see on Barack Obama in the months leading up to November's election will be from people searching, searching so hard, to kill Obama's character in a way that - while unproven or ridiculous or absurd - is simply a form of knocking him down without being directly racist.

As dirty as it is, many Americans don't like black people. The tradition of the Republican party is non-inclusiveness. So in order to appeal to rational human beings who think hate and killing is wrong, those against Obama are furiously resulting in tactics that attack but do not include race.

I'm not a sucker and I don't believe that every attack on Obama is racism redefined, nor do I believe that he necessarily has all the experience necessary to be a great president. But given our 2 choices: geriatric confusion or n00b step-in, I'm shooting for the n00b. Let him in, let him win, let him occasionally fail. And let us have a voice to rail against it. But let Barack Obama into the leadership instead of the Bomb Iran, Keating guy.

McCain is not a good man. I think Obama is.

And, no, I do not believe he is the Antichrist. And if McCain's Hagee did, he'd let it happen for the delicious return of Jesus X2.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Firefox 3.0!

As a writer, I can't stand any writing that uses "!" at any time. If the language is forceful, the "!" is implied.

I'm using "!"

Firefox 3.0, bitches!

If you didn't think that FF already pwnd MSIE 7, then you will make that connection this round. Huge betterment. Download here to affect the Guinness Book of World Records most downloads in one day record.

Now, people! Firefox!

Unless, of course, you operate Safari on a Mac. Lucky.

So where's my Pimpzilla skin for 3.0? Sweetest skin evar.

What the Customer Actually Wanted

I think I saw this a while back and can't seem to find the source. Enjoy while I continue to look.

What the customer actually wanted

NOM California: Yay Bigotry!

The National Organization for Marriage California sent me some hate email in the form of a celebratory call to action:
We've succeeded in the first phase of the most critical battle in the nation over the future of marriage. On Monday, the Secretary of State of California certified that we had the signatures necessary to get the California Marriage Amendment on the ballot. Thanks to the efforts of everyone who prayed, donated, volunteered, circulated or signed the California Marriage Amendment petition, the voters of California will have the chance to overrule our Supreme Court and protect marriage in our state.
So, horray for NOM for bigotry! Horray for inequality! Horray for ignorance!

The email goes on to scare the homophobes even more, that if you live in California that means more queers and if you don't then your state could be next. Queers I say! Queers!

NOM California

So if NOM California is so bent on limiting the rights of same-sex couples, why is their token heterosexual couple composed of a woman and a shorter, wispy-haired manifestation of chemotherapy androgyny, photoshopped with a butt-chin?

MoveOn.org "Not Alex" Video

I actually have to thank Andrew Wilkow for alerting me to this video. Of course, he calls it "nonsense" when I find it emotionally compelling. And it's not just McCain's "100 years" comment, but his lackadaisical tossing around of the bombing of Iran that will drive this country past its volunteer military capacity, forcing a draft. And anyone who can't put those pieces together is blinded by their own nonsense.



Saturday, June 14, 2008

Jesus Jokes

So Jesus walks into an inn, slaps down three spikes on the counter and says "Hey, could you put me up for the night?"



What? Not enough? Okay...



Just as an angry, stone-wielding crowd is about to close in on a defenseless woman, Jesus steps in and says "Those without sin may cast the first stone."

For several seconds, a dead silence hangs in the air, until a stone comes flying from the crowd, hits the woman right between the eyes, and kills her instantly.

Jesus surveys the crowd and says "Damn it, Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Ancient Roman D20 - $18,000

Being sold at Christie's

Roman D20

+100 Nerd Coolness; +10 Rich Coolness; -18,000 Gil; Shields bearer from Old Skool attacks.

(via BoingBoing).

Friday, June 13, 2008

Gay for America Again

I know I did this once, but since I'm going all official and scouring my MySpace so no potential clients can find objectionable content related to my name (I know, I'm selling out), I mourn this death from my page:


The Whitest Kids U'Know: Totally Gay for America





OMG - Peepul Stickin Needles In Emselves

Lovely Lace Piercing

Sometimes the most educated of us sound like the least (and I only say that because "retarded" is not PC).

AFP Reports that piercings can cause complications, especially if you try to do it by yourself or another non-professional:
The researchers surveyed 10,000 people aged over 16. A total of 1,049 people had a piercing, with 1,943 piercings in total across the group.

More than a quarter of those questioned (28 percent) suffered complications like swelling, infection and bleeding, while a minority also admitted to piercings of the tongue, lips and genitals without proper assistance. The research was published in the online version of the British Medical Journal.
This type of story and even the basic idea is not new: Something is potentially dangerous but cool. Idiots flock to dangerous. Sometimes idiots do not have money and/or intelligence to do the proper research and take "potentially" to "problematically." A researcher takes notice, takes a poll, and - gasp! - idiots are in danger.

Unfortunately, the idiots are given the spotlight and nuance is passed as medically viable. Some swelling and some bleeding is not abnormal when you stick a needle through your skin. Proper care and instruction is mandatory but not accounted for.

Honestly, this article makes me think some prude doctor saw a movie and said "OMG - Peepul Stickin Needles In Emselves" after seeing a kid with a lebret in the film.

Anyone can take something that is potentially dangerous and either turn it into 99% safe or 99% deadly.

I jump out of planes.

Idiots should not.

Kenya Bows to Basic Christian Ideals: Hunt Them Witches!

CNN Says:
It may be difficult for modern-day Western cultures to fathom, but in Western Kenya, beliefs in ghosts and witches are very real. And sometimes they have deadly consequences.

In late May, news outlets in Kenya told the story of 15 people, mostly elderly women, who were murdered in a witch hunt near the town of Kisii. The killings shocked the nation.

Villagers said more than 100 people gathered machetes and knives and stormed the village of Kegogi after midnight.

"They started banging on the doors, they broke into the house and then they killed our grandmother inside," says Justus Bosire. "The mob was screaming and we panicked. We ran away and they came to our house and burned it to the ground."
Initial reaction: Holy shit! What the fuck is going on here? And then a moment of reflection upon a later quote:
"I believe there is witchcraft and the witches kill," Magoma says while building a chapel. His fellow workers concur: Witches exist and can put spells on people.

Ooooohhhhh. It's native Kenyan pagan beliefs that have been flipped on their fucking head by Christian missionaries, and in this post-colonial, post-modern world - where, in this case, the world isn't even modern yet - no one knows heads or tails because everything is going to shit and they gave us a Bible and that's at least tangible and the Bible says:
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

- Exodus 22:18 (King James Version)
...so since bad shit is happening and even though according to our new-found beliefs only God has those powers, we need to blame it on someone: kill the witches!

"modern-day Western cultures" is a relative term. The folks in Salem considered themselves such.

Thank you, Jesus.

Happy Paraskavedekatriaphobia!

Paraskavedekatriaphobia is a fancy-ish word for fear of Friday the 13th. And today it's Friday the 13th! Be afeared!

You can read about the superstitious element at Wikipedia.

For me, Friday the 13th reminds me that tomorrow is Saturday the 14th, and when I was 11 years old, my friend David and I thought it would be a good idea to see the movie Saturday the 14th Strikes Back.

Saturday the 14th Strikes Back
Analyze this poster for 2 minutes. I dare you. WTF?

We never saw the original, and after seeing the sequel were not inspired to do so. At 11, I was suddenly schooled in how a movie could suck ass. And this was before I was regularly using words like "trite," "tired," and the derogatory version of "quaint." After so long, having gained so much knowledge of art and entertainment, the tag line "WARNING: This movie starts where others chicken out!" makes my eyes water with sorrow and embarrassment for the very existence of the movie. This is artistic feces, churning and bubbling into the methane of poisonous memory.

Anyone have a match?

Tim Russert Dies at 58

Tim Russert

Tim Russert, NBC News’ Washington bureau chief and the moderator of “Meet the Press,” died Friday after being stricken at the bureau, NBC News said Friday. He was 58.

He will be missed.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Coulter Says...

From Ann:
In a conversation recently, I mentioned as an aside what a great president George Bush has been and my friend was surprised. I was surprised that he was surprised.

I generally don't write columns about the manifestly obvious, but, yes, the man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents.
A-hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ahhh...hahhaahahaha!

Ann Coulter, your supposed satire is priceless!

Dumbledore!

I saw this months ago and didn't realize I should share it with you. Harry Potter Puppet Pals:



Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Kucinich Presents Impeachment, Suffers E-Attack

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich last night introduced 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush in a dramatic presentation of the floor of the House of Representatives that last nearly five hours.
And you can read all about it and get links to the video at Dennis Kucinich's main site. Most exciting 5 hours of C-SPAN ...evar!

Can I get a "hell yeah!"?

Pelosi's already said impeachment is off the table. Glad someone has the sack to bring it to some level of public awareness.

Unfortunately, the government knows well the battle to fight reality. From an email from the Kucinich campaign:
Under circumstances that can best be described as "suspicious," the www.kucinich.us website was crippled early this morning a few hours after Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced 35 extensively documented Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush.
Surprise! I know. I say it louder!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Rush is Right!

Today, I agreed with Rush Limbaugh.

He was reporting on a story about how, in Seattle, the Parks and Recreation division of the local government is looking at banning bonfires because they contribute to global warming.

This is bullshit, and it needs to be stopped. And that's where I agreed with Rush.

My own speak of such idiocy lies in liberal helplessness: we can't control the ignorance of government, we can't control industrial smog, we can't control pollution at a global level, so we must gain control in some other way, even if it's meaningless. And this is meaningless.

My message: We need to stop these bigger things! Learn how to get people motivated instead of shutting down the basis by which they can meet and get motivated. Bonfires are - literally and figuratively - brilliant ways in which we can emblazon people to get fired up about incendiary events and legislation. Hey, while you're relaxed and fired up, how about this idea?

Seattle is retarded, snuffing the smolder and hoping for a flame.

But then Rush strayed, talking about how this was a violation of our basic rights, talking about how that violation was ruining America and how liberals were forcefully trying to crap on the Constitution and whittle away our rights one by one.

His post at EIB Networks is apparently a cave that allows these stories into his computer but blocks out the bigger issues. Yes, this potential legislation is stupid and shits on normal people - some who champion the cause of Global Warming. But our current, American Government shits all over our civil rights every day.

Ask anyone who has tried to protest the President in their "free speech zone" 2 miles away.

Is that Free Speech, Rush? How about wire taps? How about unreasonable search and seizure? How about reaction defense, smelling everyone's shoes because of one dilweed with a bad match? How about giving me matches because they took my lighter?

No one on the liberal side is trying to take away our inalienable rights. Just the neo-cons. With fear, with war, with fear of more war. And as much as Rush pushes the liberal crap in one direction, I'm a Liberal, and I say Seattle is pulling Shenanigans. And I'm a Liberal and I'm saying Rush is scared.

And I can't wait to hear his show when we win.


Friday, June 06, 2008

Best Internets Photo Evar

I was allowing Picasa to troll through photos on my system for a project I'm working on and found this gem.

And it is a gem.

Love it.

Puking Kid

You Have Been Left Behind?

You've Been Left Behind

Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye, two fundamentalist whack-nutters who have used those who have interpreted the quixotic and relative book of Revelation as a message for the End of Days and made a happy profit on spreading their mental disorder have spawned a business.

The website, You've Been Left Behind, offers a service: for a fee, you are able to compose letters to your beloved, yet un-saved, relatives, friends, and co-workers, and save them on the server attached to email addresses. Six days after the Rapture - when Jesus meets all his followers in the sky to leave the unbelievers behind to endure the Tribulation - you will get your email, explaining why Jesus loves them more and you're Left Behind.

Question (Series) One: Is not the presumption of Salvation of yourself and judgment of another's actions as lesser than yours Pride? Isn't paying money to join a service assuming others sin guaranteeing your place in hell?

Question (Series) Two: How does the server know when to send the emails? If this place is run by Believers, would there not be a lack of Believers after the Rapture and, therefore, no one to execute the order? If run by non-believers, how can you trust them? And, finally, if you trust your emails and the potential salvation of un-saved loved ones to believers who, with their website, are making a promise of potential salvation to you and God, and they are Raptured, are they then sent back for lying when the basic premise is violated?

The message of this post is: Believers running the scheme can never be proven to deliver on their promise, if it is even possible to do so, and anyone subscribing is a sucker.

Suckas!

Cincinnati Cicadas - The Noise

No pics, as promised, although they're moving a lot between trees and bushes right now. No swarming yet.

But the noise is something I didn't expect. In "Independence Day," there's that one scene where the President gets overwhelmed with psychic noise of an insect nature. It's like that, but constant. And oscillating.

Right now, when it's at its peak, you can't hear people right next to you speak. And it rings in your ears. It's got an oscillating wave of about 5.5 seconds between peaks and at the peak it's enough to drive you crazy if you're not ready to just experience it and feel in awe of it. Much like the theory of taking acid: if you're not ready for anything, stay inside.

Unfortunately, I have no recording equipment to bring the pain to you. Or acid. Actually, that's probably fortunate on both counts.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Cincinnati Cicadas in Notation Only

It appears that they taste like cold asparagus, but only if they're eaten when in the Albino stage.

My dog, Gracie, ate 20 of them on her last bathroom outing.

I don't know if they'll make your pee smell like asparagus.

I may just have an answer tomorrow.

Cicadas..Just Kidding: Politics!

So last night we were looking, waiting to see if Hillary would drop out and she said "Hells no!" Barry-O was to be graceful in supposed victory and he's all "I will be the Democratic candidate fo sho." And John McCain, completely in line with what we have all come to expect, was a lying douchebag.

Let's do a quick rehash using some demonstrative images from their respective speeches.

John McCain

John McCain Shit-Eating Grin

McCain, with his background, now apparently represents the Green Party. But the real star of the show was Smilin' John's Shit-Eating Grin. The speech itself was angering and unenlightening:
  • Democrats are baaaaad and hate America
  • I love America and won't let'em ruin it
  • Show off the wooden teeth and allow the automatons applaud
  • Rinse off the poop and repeat.
It was lack of vision, lack of substance, lack of character.

Barack Obama

Barack Obama, Presumed Nominee

Expectedly, Obama pulled the necessary delegates and the media drooled and jizzed all over the story and coverage. His speech was strong, decisive, and inspiring. And that's what got him where he is.

I guess the Obama staffers were in a rush to portray the pale white support that Obama has because - I know it's not as good a shot as the television - they had represented everything from strawberry blonde to deep auburn. That's right, Barack Obama has the full support of the redhead coalition:
Obama and the Redhead Coalition

And finally... Hillary Clinton

Hillary and her supporters

Hillary, while a bit reserved in her speech, was overshadowed by her supporters. As opposed to the Obama Redhead Alliance, she was able to pull in a few African-Americans, a questionably Indian gentleman, white men, and the token homosexual male in yellow stripes pictured here.

The best part of the entire speech was immediately after this image was taken: Mr. Flamboyant was optioned by the African-American on his left, at which time his exuberance flatlined and he mouthed "what?" His leash tightened, he was at heel within seconds.

Estimation of the conversation of Hillary supporters behind her back:
Stripes: Woohoo! Yeah! Hillary 4-ev-R!
Dignified African-American (DAA): Dude!
DAA: Dude!!!
Stripes: What?
DAA: You're on fucking national television. Behave yourself.
Stripes: Really? You're --
DAA: Do you want Hillary to lose?
Stripes: Um...no.
DAA: Behave.
Stripes:Um...okay.
Yet Obama still wins...until the convention. Crazy bullshit in play, much politicking to go around, and Batshit McCain to spread more lies. I think we have a long way to go.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Cincinnati Cicadas, Round 5 - Brood XIV

For those of you who are avoiding my blog because you are sicked out by the Cicada pictures, I apologize. I really do. Mrs. Shambles is - at the very least - irritated by my fascination for these 17-year insects. It's not looking likely, but if they mate and take to swarming, she'll be in the basement for the next three weeks.

So if you don't want to see pictures of bugs, please bear with me one last time. Yes, this is the last one. I promise. Unless they swarm. One guy I talked to yesterday said when they hit Cincinnati the last time (2004), you could drive down the street, not even very fast, and 50 could hit your windshield at once. Let's just say I filled my washer fluid reservoir today. Not really, but I should've.

So today's Cicada excitement comes in a couple forms. All of them photographic.

NOTE: All images used in my Cicada posts - good or bad - are all original photography and I did not watermark it because that's a pain in the ass. If you want to copy and post it yourself, I ask for two things: 1) Make a mention of my blog. A link would be nice. 2) Don't leech; that means: copy the image and save it yourself and upload it to your image hosting (I use Photobucket) or blog site itself.

Cicada in Shrubbery
Cicada husks in the shrubbery. Bastards!

So let's go through some life-cycle action:

Cicadas emerging from the ground
What it looks like after emerging from the ground

Cicada coming out of the shell
At first I thought "Albino Cicada!" but that's the emergence.

Emergence with bkd eventual
Emergence with an early riser in the background.

Cicada new, maturing
Believe it or not, same cicada as in the previous 2 pictures about an hour and a half later.

So how do you feel about this series? Gross? Vile? Enlightening? You hated bugs already and now hate me? Let me know. My comment box is always opened and never monitored.

Still working on the noise...

That's Mr. T-Shirt Hell to You

T-Shirt Hell

Have you heard of T-Shirt Hell? If you're not jumping up and down, flashing gang signs, and holla'n "Heall yeah, mothafucka!" then you're probably someone I would like to have a conversation with. Can't stand bad grammar.

So T-Shirt Hell. This is not a "funny t-shirt" site. This is a blatantly offensive t-shirt site. And it just happens to be funny. If you are easily insulted or offended, do not - I repeat - do not go there.

But, if you do, please note that if you go there by clicking one of the links in this post or the soon-to-be-added link on the left - and you purchase a shirt - I get credits towards free shirts.

If you don't buy any shirts and forgo the previous warning about offensiveness, then, hey, free entertainment. We know where you live.

Shirts I own:

Also Available in Sober

...and another that has been discontinued (and is therefore imageless) that says:

TOOL
Not the band, I'm just a tool.

...and I was going to put the most offensive shirt I could find right here but Sesame street characters, suicidal and taking recreational drugs, dead Muppets, jokes about eating pussy, sucking cock, and angry pirates: it's all just humor to me and the subjectivity of our world dictates that you will probably be offended by something and that thing will be different for each person.

So how about I recant my previous warning and you just go there to see if there is something that actually does offend you. I dare you. Prude.

So enjoy the site, buy a shirt, and don't toss any "I'm offended" sanctimonious bullshit in my direction.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Cincinnati Cicadas, Round 4 - Brood XIV

More pics and scientific information this time.

Cicada emerging, crawling
Got a picture of one of them emerging, before the molt.

Cicada hole Party!
The ground appears as swiss cheese, or at least like the brain of a mad cow.

Cicada Husks
...and the husks continue to pile...

And teh science on Cincinnati Cicadas (or at least the news)!
"Individual songs can be heard right now," Kritsky said. "They will start chorusing over the weekend and be at their peak by June 7. By July 4, they'll be gone."
...
"I once measured the sound of a cicada singing in a tree at 96 decibels," Kritsky said. "That's louder than the planes flying over my Delhi Township home."
...
For cicadas to emerge from their 17-year subterranean slumber, the soil needs to reach 65 degrees.
...
As with every cicada emergence, the fundamental things about these insects apply: They do not carry disease. They do not sting or bite humans. They do not taste good.

"I ate one from the last brood in 2004," Kritsky said.

He rated the cicada for mouth feel: "Like eating something squishy from a cold can of asparagus."

And taste: "The juice from that same can."


Mmmm...asparagus!

So it looks like 5 or so days to the peak. The noise is currently at an antagonistic annoyance level - cranking the Sirius much higher this past week. Hopefully I can figure out how to get you wonderful readers a sample of the noise. It's really quite lovely.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

DJ Spooky and Obama

I'm not an Obama myrmidon, but this is pretty damn good. If this is the spirit, then I'm ready to believe that we can make America better.



Friday, May 30, 2008

Protecting the Holy Sausage Party

Pope Owns the Earth

I remember back in the late 80's, early 90's reading an article about an increased call for women to have the right to be priests in the Catholic faith. At that time, Pope John Paul II called bullshit on these devout women and invoked the Infallibility Clause, stating that by being the Pope, he is receiving this direction straight from God and since God is infallible, what he's saying must be right. Because these women believed in the faith and, by proxy, the power of the Pope, they had no recourse but to snap their fingers and grumble "Nuts!"

Well, Benedict didn't want to be left out of the scuffle. Namely:
The Vatican insisted Friday that it is properly following Christian tradition by excluding females from the priesthood as it issued a new warning that women taking part in ordinations will be excommunicated.
In other words, if you are a female and love Jesus so much - in the Catholic tradition - that you want to serve in the best way you know how and become a pastor to spread the word and love of Jesus, and if you're not happy with just becoming a nun, we're going to remove your connection with God.

This is equatable to me loving America so much that I worked very hard to build the support of my ideas and ran for President of the United States, and instead of the media just ignoring me, the US Government said "You are not allowed to do that; you will no longer be allowed in the United States."

Except that it's God, and personal salvation - not citizenship - at stake. The Pope is giving women who love him and love Jesus and love God and the Catholic religion and want to express that by becoming stewards of Jesus himself and giving them the red card to Hell. Because they're women.
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find Him laughing

So, with that in mind: How is the Catholic religion even relevant today?

Cincinnati Cicadas, Round 3

They're here. More numbers today. Here's my white picket fence (I know; I have a white picket fence: WTF?)

Cicadas in Cincinnati

Every one of those dark spots is a husk.

Cicadas in Cincinnati

Remember I mentioned molting? They crawl from the ground, gain ground on trees or - in this case - a man-made object, and pop out of their exoskeleton, reborn with wings. I have yet to see one of them climbing, one of the wingless before they break out.

But since I've been watching all the live bugs crawling and flying around in the yard all day and see none now, I'm guessing the daily cycle is emerge in the morning, husk-out, fly and eat and - I guess - mate. I've got to do some more reading.

I did hear more horror stories today at my daughter's 6th grade graduation, about the streets being a bug muck, about people who say it looked like their front porch was moving, so covered it was. And the smell. If all these bugs do, while covering our reality, is eat to mate and die, that's a lot of organic material. One rotting bug is not a concern. A million is said to be pretty awful.

And the noise is already pretty bad - during the day, at least. I guess the misleading aspect of the first few days is that everything eats them - birds, bats, spiders, etc. But they're so big, that soon these animals get tired of the snack and/or fill up. And then the high point of the bell curve of population hits. And as the cicada shit hits the proverbial peak, I'll be there with my camera, making you squirm.

But back to the husks. You know you want a close-up.

Cincinnati cicada husk

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Cincinnati Cicadas, Round 2

Cincinnati Cicadas

Today, walking by a couple in the parking lot, I heard one of them say "I'm just worried about the cicadas."

As I mentioned, I'm excited. People are netting their trees. More photos tomorrow.

Bugs, bugs, bugs, yay!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

When Patriotism isn't Patriotic Enough

Veterans For Peace was kept out of the Memorial Day Parade in Washington, D.C.

WTF?